Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While The Nation’s Dads Collectively Scream At Their TVs

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed and you’ve done nothing to improve your musical taste. Despite continued warnings from friends and loved ones about how lame you look when you put on ‘In On The Kill Taker’ for the thousandth time this week, you are seemingly resistant to new music and ideas. It’s a shame really, but maybe it’s not your fault. With literally dozens of songs being released daily, it can be hard to know where to start.

Because we care about your well-being and social standing, we’ve taken on the overwhelming task of sifting through song after horrifying song to present you with six new tracks worthy of your depleted attention span.

Melvins “Working the Ditch”

In case your dealer hasn’t already told you, sludge-rock veterans The Melvins announced a new LP entitled ‘Tarantula Heart’ due out in April. It is already being billed as one of the band’s most eccentric releases to date, which is quite the statement considering their storied career. Lead single ‘Working the Ditch’ is a dense, droning, and wildly textured effort thanks to additional drums from Ministry’s Ray Mayorga and extra guitar flourishes from longtime collaborator Gary Chester. This supersized line-up expands the band’s typical trio attack into a widescreen and noisy affair.

Pissed Jeans “Sixty-Two Thousand Dollars In Debt”

Next month, Philadelphia’s favorite rock degenerates Pissed Jeans are set to release ‘Half Divorced’ – their first album in seven years. If the first two singles are any indicator, the wait will have been more than worth it. The latest of these two preview tracks, ‘Sixty-Two Thousand Dollars In Debt,’ is a searing commentary on late-stage-capitalism as Matt Korvette details the endless cycle of paying down debt while making no real headway. To the all too relatable protagonist Korvette embodies on the track, the hard work of ‘paying it down every day’ will be finally worth it once they are only ‘61,000 dollars in debt.’ Yikes.

meth. “Shame”

Chicago’s experimental metal outfit meth. has steadily been making waves since their formation in 2017. Mixing elements of noise-rock, drone, and industrial, their unique sound is as ear-catching as it is hard to place. Whatever genre it brings to mind for you, one thing is absolutely certain: meth. is heavy as all get out. Not just in terms of their absolutely gut-punching sonic assault, but emotionally as well. Their latest and second full-length ‘SHAME’ is a brutal seven-song journey into the depths of despair brought on by the trials of adulthood, all rooted in the album’s title. It’s not for the faint of heart, but it is also not to be missed.

Glixen “foreversoon”

Phoenix’s Glixen is crafting oozy shoegaze masterpieces that would make Kevin Shields blush with pride. While the outfit might easily be compared to a handful of contemporaries, the airy and hypnotic vocals of founding member Aislinn Ritchie help propel the group into another realm entirely. Their latest single ‘foreversoon’ illustrates this point vividly. Melted melodies gracefully float atop an absolute wall of fuzzy blissed out guitars while pulling the listener into a soundscape dense enough in which to get irreparably lost.

Split System “Temporary Freeze”

Melbourne’s Split System just released their excellent sophomore LP, ‘Vol. 2,’ and it is an absolute banger. Beckoning to the rich rock and roll history of their home country, the band delivers their garage-punk stylings with a ferocious intensity that never loses steam throughout the entirety of the record. Album highlight ‘Temporary Freeze’ showcases the group’s propensity for incredibly catchy riffs, gritty sing-along choruses, and break-your-neck backbeats.

Dancer “Change”

Glasgow’s post-punk outfit ‘Dancer’ are preparing to release their highly anticipated debut album ‘10 Songs I Hate About You’ next month. The latest offering from the effort, ‘Change,’ showcases the quartet’s ability to keep things simple but not stupid. The track, with its sparse production consisting mostly of just bass, drums, and vocals, feels stripped without ever conveying emptiness thanks to the mathy guitar flourishes that aptly serve as punctuation marks throughout the lyrical themes of personal growth.

Did you know that we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you? Pretty great of us right? Right. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

2024 Puppy Bowl To Open With Ill-Conceived Firework Show

Posted on by B.S. Mitchell

NEW YORK – The 20th annual Puppy Bowl is expected to open with an elaborate fireworks display which has many of the animal handlers questioning the safety of the event, sources confirmed.

“Let’s be honest, the Puppy Bowl has gone stale. America used to love the adorable puppies flopping around with chew toys, but now they are tired of that. They need a spectacle, and we are going to fire off so many fireworks that the field of play will be soaked in dog piss before kickoff,” said Animal Planet’s new creative director, Vernon McClintock. “We want our Nielsen numbers to skyrocket higher than the goddamn Apollo 11. We want our gridiron to set the benchmark for America’s pastime, and what’s more American than copious pyrotechnics?”

Team Fluff Head Coach Dale Claremont is confident his team will be inspired and roused by the fireworks display.

“Some ASPCA goober said we’re ‘traumatizing’ the puppies, but you’d be surprised how fired up these dogs get when they see patriotism like that on display,” said Coach Claremont. “I’ve kept these dogs on their toes for the past two weeks by randomly banging pots and pans together while they sleep and running around their practice space with a chainsaw. This team is ready. Sure, we weren’t able to pull the litter out from under the green room couch through the first 5 practice takes. But once these pups stride into their zoomies, they really get going!”

Some critics are still questioning their novel approach such as event planner Odessa Shelton who coordinated a similar program before the 2005 National Dog Show.

“The National Guard put on a 21-gun salute for this German Shepherd who fetched an IED in Fallujah and that was a disaster,” said Shelton. “Though they used blanks, I knew it was a mistake before the first trigger pull. The entire Philly Kennel Club was painted wall-to-wall with projectile Purina Chow from both ends. I can still recall that awful stench almost 20 years later, but I’m still not sure these Puppy Bowl producers have the slightest whiff of the explosive shit they’re in for. It won’t just be gunpowder; I can safely predict that much!”

At press time, Puppy Bowl organizers were scrambling to call off the slated Air Force flyover show, planned promptly after the kitten halftime show.

Budweiser Doubles Down on Pride With Super Bowl Commercial Featuring Gay Clydesdale

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

ST. LOUIS – Budweiser is once again battling backlash after airing a Super Bowl commercial featuring Hank, a fancy Clydesdale pulling a hitch full of icy cold Bud Light who many conservatives and anti-LGBTQ+ organizations claim is gay as the day is long.

“While Budweiser strives to be inclusive of all communities, the choice to feature Hank in our advertising had nothing to do with his political alignment or sexual orientation,” said a spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch. “We just really like fancy horses. Gay or straight we just can’t get enough of those fluffy fucking feet and Hank has some fantastic hooves. We don’t judge Hank for who he chooses to love, and it’s sad that people have politicized Hank’s television debut.”

People on both sides are wondering how Budweiser would have determined the sexuality of a horse and warn that assuming a horse’s orientation is misguided and harmful to the Clydesdale community.

“I know for a damn fact that Budweiser put extensive research into choosing the right Clydesdale for the job. They basically had 24-7 surveillance of the horses,” said local beer drinker, Wayne Matthews. “They saw how Hank continuously mounted the other stallions and still chose to use him in their commercial. This isn’t about his charisma, or how great he looks on camera. They have an agenda, they want to turn our horses gay, then our children gay, and then turn our children into horses. They go really into detail about it in my Reddit sub. It’s sick.”

Budweiser has a history of pushing progressive policies. Back in the ‘90s conservatives boycotted the brand for adopting the controversial, “Drink Responsibly,” tagline.

“When Budweiser started selling out and caving to liberal rhetoric about drinking in moderation I could see the writing on the wall. If a hardworking, patriotic man or woman wants to get loaded at their son’s little league game and drive the family into a telephone pole on the way to Little Gino’s Pizzeria, that’s my right as a citizen of this great country,” said conservative media analyst Brian Welk. “Now they’re pushing us to accept these fancy horses. That beer cart should be pulled by something All-American like a Bald Eagle. Not a horse with leg-warmers.”

At the time of press, Papa John’s debuted their Super Bowl commercial meant to appeal to religious conservatives which showed a man and a woman eating the pizza in silence while staring at a television screen.

We Made the Perfect Grilled Cheese and Now Everything Else Sucks

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Is there anything better than a grilled cheese? That crisp, butter-soaked bread, the gooey, stretchy cheese, the divine pairing of a cup of tomato soup that’s just right for dunkin’. No, there is nothing better than a grilled cheese, and we should know.

We have made the perfect grilled cheese, and in a cruel twist of fate, after that experience, everything else in the universe fucking sucks.

We no longer know joy. We do not know happiness. Speak to us not of nights of passion and mornings of true love, for we have tasted the single-fucking-best grilled cheese sandwich ever made, and it made all that look like a drunk 50-year-old doing Limp Bizkit at karaoke.

Once we tasted the perfect grilled cheese, we experienced the highest expression of the proof of God’s existence. Unfortunately, after we swallowed the ineffable, incomparable final bite of cheese and fried bread, we realized the bitter truth of God’s utter indifference to everything else but the grilled cheese.

Since then, all food, even cheese toasties, is but dust in our mouths. We have dined at Michelin restaurants and kidnapped Wolfgang Puck to force him to grill us a cheese, all in hopes that perhaps we could have a single taste of the perfect grilled cheese.

Alas. Poor Wolfgang is now dead for his failure.

The perfect grilled cheese is the devil’s true bargain, for once you have tasted it, you shall never want anything more, not even watching the light go out of acclaimed Austrian chef Wolfgang Puck’s eyes. We are now but a bitter husk; our punishment for the exquisite knowledge of grilled cheese perfection is the awareness of how fucking sucky every other thing in the world is.

We no longer experience sexual arousal. Puppies are just things to us. A beautiful autumn sunset and an old gas bill look exactly the same.

And we can tell that you will not heed our warnings. You think that the perfect grilled cheese is a fire that your soul can survive. You are wrong.

Because we cannot let the world know the cost of a perfect cheese. We cannot bear that guilt.
We burnt the recipe. We swallowed the ashes in a vain attempt to experience even a charcoal echo of what we once had. It didn’t work.

Do not attempt the perfect grilled cheese. Do not seek after forbidden knowledge of savory, salty, buttery deliciousness. There be dragons, and their cheesy breath is not kind.

And no, mayo was not part of the grilled cheese. Gross.

Usher to Perform His Role in “The Faculty” During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LAS VEGAS — Pop R&B star Usher revealed that he will mainly perform his character Gabe Santora from the 1998 alien invasion film “The Faculty” during this year’s Super Bowl halftime show, confirmed sources who hadn’t seen that movie in forever.

“This is going to be just as memorable as the time we all saw Janet Jackson’s nipple during that one halftime,” said the singer, songwriter, and dancer who occasionally acts and even dabbles in balloon animal artistry. “Don’t worry, my performance will still be a part of a 15-minute medley of my biggest hits. That’s right. I’ll also be playing my role of Campus DJ from ‘She’s All That’ as well as my character of Ira the Janitor in ‘Scary Movie 5.’ We may even have some special guest appearances from the movie too, like Josh Harnett’s stunt coordinator and Jon Stewart’s makeup artist who made it look like he had a pen shoved in his eye that violently fizzed up. You just never know who’s going to show up at one of these things.”

Fans of Usher were disappointed at his decision to execute such an unorthodox halftime concert.

“You’re telling me that not only will I not hear his legendary songs, but I have to be reminded of a 25-year-old movie that I once saw on TBS on a Saturday afternoon in 2006?” said NFL fan Lucas Mackalay. “It’s bad enough that I only know that one song called ‘Yeah!’ I was really hoping to take this opportunity to learn some of his 25 other hits that I’ve been meaning to get around to. What good is football if I can’t learn about pop music? For instance, I now know who Taylor Swift is whether I like it or not.”

Music historian Leigh Heinsworth revealed that Usher’s upcoming performance is not actually unheard of for multi-talented artists.

“Musicians who are also actors notoriously take any opportunity they can to relive their theatrical experiences,” said Heinsworth. “Henry Rollins would often bust out a reenactment as Officer Dobbs from his role in the 1994 movie ‘The Chase’ during his spoken word shows. Iggy Pop used to frequently stop shows to perform his character Belvedere Rickettes from ‘Cry-Baby.’ Anything to spread awareness of their IMDb page and ‘Filmography’ section of their Wikipedia entry.”

In related news, Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs revealed that they would be performing live demonstrations of their roles in State Farm commercials between quarters for some reason.

Old Man Who Doesn’t Like Rap Song Somehow on Right Side of History

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal musician, and noted septuagenarian, Ozzy Osbourne broke new ground when he became the first old white man to complain about a rap song and actually be on the right side of history.

“This is the first time we’ve ever seen a person of Ozzy’s age, wealth status, and complexion complain about a rap song or artist and actually be correct. Especially when they say it in an all-caps Tweet,” said music scholar Aiden Lawrence. “Usually men his age complain about how rap songs glorify crime, or how they think it doesn’t take much talent to create a song, but Ozzy did something completely different. He called out Kanye West for his anti-semitism, pointed out how he already denied Kanye permission to use a Black Sabbath song, and then made it clear he wants no association with Kanye. This is a big day in history, but I expect it to quickly be overshadowed by someone like Don Henley randomly bringing up how he doesn’t like how rappers dress.”

Most longtime fans of Osbourne were pleasantly surprised by his stance.

“As your musical heroes continue to age you just hope they don’t say or do something to mess up their legacy. I have so many friends who grew up loving Morrissey and have spent thousands of dollars getting their Morrissey tattoos covered up or modified,” said metalhead Tony Garcia. “We are entering into a very dangerous era where legendary musicians of the ’80s and ’90s who don’t understand how the internet works could start publicly talking about their opinions about race, homelessness, trans issues, or immigration and frankly I’m scared. Maybe this is the reason so many great musicians die young, this way they don’t live long enough to be canceled.”

Legendary rapper T-Pain had a completely different experience with Osbourne on X (formerly Twitter) earlier this year.

“I sang on a cover of ‘War Pigs’ at The Sun Rose and Ozzy tweeted at me saying it was the best cover he had ever seen and wishes we had called him. Hell, I wish I had his phone number. I would have loved to share the stage with him,” said T-Pain. “But I’ll admit when I first saw he had tweeted at me I full expected a racist rant, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Ozzy is a real one.”

At press time, Osbourne was contacted by phone for further comment but we couldn’t understand a word he said.

Ten Underrated Albums From Dischord Records You Can Talk to Ian MacKaye About When You Crash His Birthday Party

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Washington, D.C.’s Dischord Records, which is often spelled incorrectly, was formed by two-fourths of seminal hardcore band Minor Threat, Ian MacKaye and Jeff Nelson, in 1980, and is still active over four decades later, just not as frequently as it was before, which is quite an accomplishment for any label large or small. Still, the record company is one of the more noteworthy ones in the punk rock world to all in the know and some that aren’t, and has put out monumental releases from Minor Threat, Jawbox, Fugazi, Rites of Spring, Shudder to Think, and Dua Lipa. We attempted to list ten underrated albums from DR in alphabetical order, and no bands mentioned above are listed, but, spoiler alert, MAYBE another Ian MacKaye act is. In addition, as architects of accuracy, no EPs or compilations are referenced below as well.

Black Eyes “Self-Titled” (2003)

Fans of the frenetic Skeleton Key’s “Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon,” a major label album so underrated that it is nowhere to be found on DSPs outside of YouTube despite being Grammy Award-nominated, will clamor for some dark-colored organs of sight courtesy of BE. Formed in 2001, Black Eyes eventually inked a deal with Dischord Records, and released their self-titled studio album two years later to some acclaim, but not enough, and sadly split after just more LP. Pity, as day turned to night much quicker than normal, but not as fast as it does on December 21. Anyway, post-punk had a revival around the time that this LP was released, and Interpol took over inferior publications just one year prior, and The Rapture broke your heart as well. We wish that THIS broke through.

The Crownhate Ruin “Until The Eagle Grins” (1996)

Drive Like Jehu had more of a critical than commercial impact, and the band that called themselves The Crownhate Ruin, who fans of DLJ would love deserved some more affection and non-creepy hugs via both sides as well. Formed in the wake of post-hardcore superstars Hoover, who were also great in their own right, The Crownhate Ruin had a truly short run, and released several singles, and one LP, “Until The Eagle Grins,” only to split up that same year. Maybe it was the band’s meh name that did ‘em in, or maybe the fact that “Until The Eagle Grins” was released in an overly saturated genre in the mid-’90s. Whatever it was, we know that outside of your cool step-brother, a non-blood relative who still lives in your stepmom’s basement, no one in your life knows about this album and band.

Dag Nasty “Can I Say” (1986)

Possibly the most successful effort referenced in this piece, yet still underrated to most pedestrians and most certainly you as well. Dag Nasty’s debut album “Can I Say” inspired a lot of underground chatter when it was first released, and not just because it featured former Minor Threat bassist and current Bad Religion guitarist Brian Baker, but that it acts as a sort of sonic blueprint for melodic hardcore in terms of quality, whatever that means. Anyway, while the band’s history was quite tumultuous in terms of a career start-stop stop-start, overabundance of band members and labels, and for just being NASTY like Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags, “Can I Say” has stood the test of time via circles and shapes, and was even remastered and re-released by Dischord Records sixteen years after its initial release.

Embrace “Self-Titled” (1987)

Ian MacKaye’s bands Minor Threat and Fugazi are not mentioned here, as neither act is underrated in any way, shape, or form, but in a sort of loophole, Embrace sure is, and the band’s self-titled and sole full-length studio album was one of the first to be categorized as emotional hardcore, even though its members publicly and privately lambasted said description.  While we will forever wish that the band stood the test of time and released more music, it can be said out loud or privately that the band went one for one, and the act you crazy kids call Fugazi may have never existed if not for the fall of Embrace. If you’re a fan of aggressive rock music, do not consider yourself free unless you listen to this album front to back and then some.

Faraquet “The View from This Tower” (2000)

Formed in 1997, Faraquet’s post-hardcore blend of sonic comparisons to former-Dischord Records act Jawbox and a meticulous master’s degree in jazzy mathematics from a Tier 1 university showcased that the view from this tower, which was an unintentional eerie foreshadowing of 9/11, was quite monumental. Like many who call themselves and who are called “underrated,” AND are mentioned here, Faraquet only made one full-length studio album. Still, the band is for sure one of the underappreciated power trios, though we doubt that the band would have ever called themselves “underappreciated” or a “power trio”. Actually, we’re sure, and don’t quote us unless you must for your term paper in MLA format, that they used the term “three piece” instead.

Lungfish “Artificial Horizon” (1998)

Let’s start this Lungfish mention with a note that may alarm youngsters: This album is NOT a Dance Gavin Dance title. Lungfish is one of the few acts mentioned here that are not from Washington, D.C., but it’s not like Baltimore, Maryland is that far away from the city where Ian MacKaye still resides. Anyway, Dischord Records caught wind of this unique act after their first full-length studio album, and the band subsequently released all of their other works via said label… but this is not about their entire catalog, as “Artificial Horizon” is not only the one that most deserves your time, but outside of DR-heads, many don’t know of this band/record, which is truly sad.

The Make-Up “In Mass Mind” (1998)

Are you live with us, baby, are you live, are you live in the rhythm hive? Well, we know we are! Hive assemblyman and constituent Ian Folke Svenonius is a man who doesn’t often get enough public flowers, but we are here to give him two, one for his next to be mentioned prequel band Nation of Ulysses and one to its prolific sequel act, The Make-Up. Do you like gospel music? If you do with a splash of garage rock, and buckets of weird, well, The Make-Up is for you. If not, Brokencyde has your number. Serious question sans hyperbole: Have any tracks from this LP been used in a Quentin Tarantino or Martin Scorsese movie-film? We assume no, so if any music supervisors are reading this, and we know that you all are, use your connections/make it happen!

The Nation of Ulysses “13-Point Plan to Destroy America” (1991)

How this reverential and difficult to apply a moniker to act has under 5500 monthly Spotify listeners is far beyond our comprehension and deplorable. If we have a small part in making the figures go up by at least a dozen then we are extremely satisfied but we’d prefer more, much more. The Nation of Ulysses’ debut LP “13-Point Plan to Destroy America” came out the year that Kurt Cobain personally shot hair metal in the head from behind, and Mr. Cobain would certainly think that you are behind if you never heard of TNOU. Fans of punk may prefer The Nation of Ulysses to The Make-Up but fans of odd will definitely choose the latter. Regardless of where you are on the Svenonius spectrum, you cannot deny that this and the former studio album deserve inclusion here, unless you do.

Q and not U “No Kill No Beep Beep” (2000)

Maybe the third or sixth biggest band listed here, the uniquely named four-piece that eventually became a three piece released their debut full-length studio album, “No Kill No Beep Beep,” via Dischord Records in 2000 just a short two years after forming, and erratically and succinctly danced into the hearts of many hip post-hardcore fans who were looking to boogie. Violent and murderous fans of The Road Runner’s nemesis Wile E. Coyote ardently championed this band and record, albeit not as much now as they did during the aughts. Sadly the band only released two more LPs before hanging their collective fedoras with no signs of reconciliation any time soon. Pity, as the more we got from Q and not U, the more we wanted!

Slant 6 “Soda Pop * Rip Off” (1994)

Let’s close this piece with a record that not only came out in 1994, the year that punk rock broke with such acts as Green Day, Bad Religion, The Offspring, and Ben E. King conquering Mother Earth, but it freaking contains an asterisk: Slant 6’s “Soda Pop * Rip Off.” The band also has the distinction of being a part of the riot grrrl movement, and no one, we repeat, no one will ever take that away from them, so don’t you ever try. Many call the band’s guitarist/vocalist Christina Billotte one of the better female guitarists in rock, but we here say that the word “female” is not necessary there, Christina is just one of the better GUITARISTS in rock. What kind of a monster are you if you publicly say something different? In closing, the band ended their career just one album later with the epically named “Inzombia”.

We Look Back at the Oasis-Blur Rivalry Because We Just Found Our Older Brother’s Case of Zima He Hid in the Garage in 1994

Posted on by Doug Kolic

The 90s were a simpler time. No smartphones. No social media. And the best way to hear updates on the Oasis-Blur rivalry was from Carson Daly or some British creep on mIRC. That’s why we decided to go down memory lane and look back at the height of this Britpop feud because we just unearthed our brother’s old case of Zima hidden in our parent’s garage behind a cardboard cutout of Craig T. Nelson.

This made-in-Britain clash was a historic moment for both bands. The chart battle between the boisterous working-class Northerners in Oasis against the pretentious college-educated Southerners from Blur had music fans transfixed. Or so I think that’s how it went down because these twelve Zima’s I just chugged are starting to affect my cognitive function.
The Oasis-Blur rivalry came to a head on August 14, 1995 when Blur decided to move the release date of their single “Country House” to coincide with the day Oasis was dropping their new single “Roll With It”. Even though Blur would narrowly edge Oasis out, the bands would continue to fight for position on the charts over the next couple of months, which is what my insides are doing right now thanks to this god awful lemon-lime-flavored atrocity.

I guess it was this dusty box of bullshit drinks that reminded me of Britpop. Both peaked in the 90s and both left a sour taste in my mouth. Both suffered from overhype by marketing agencies trying to fool the consumer that a bunch of coked out Mancunians somehow represented everyday people, and that this glorified wine cooler was somehow not absolutely revolting.

I don’t know why my brother drank so much of it but perhaps he wasn’t the hero I always thought he was. I guess my dad was right that he was a disappointment to the family and we should pretend he was dead. Not sure if it’s all the expired alcohol I shouldn’t be drinking or just my traumatic childhood memories suddenly flooding back to haunt me, but maybe I’ll just go watch this old VHS tape of Jumanji I found instead.

Right-Wingers Idolizing Churchill Horrified to Learn He Had Long Standing Beef With Hitler

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — Large factions of America’s right-wing who idolize Winston Churchill were united in horror at learning that he had a long-standing beef with German leader Adolf Hitler nine decades ago, confirmed multiple sources.

“Winston Churchill is the epitome of a conservative leader,” said Tim Scout, leader of the Young Republicans. “However, he also had some controversial views as well. Did you know that in the 1930s and ’40s, he advocated for violence against people with far-right views on a staggering scale? He literally sent armies into Europe with the express goal of silencing right-wing voices and called the duly elected leader of Germany a ‘monster of wickedness,’ which is an incredibly rude way to refer to Mr. Hitler. It’s almost as bad as when Hillary Clinton called us a basket of deplorables. And my grandfather who would have loved Trump actually fought in WW2 to make sure Clinton had freedom to say those kinds of things. Shame on her.”

British historians consider Winston Churchill to be a confusing choice for American right-wingers to rally around.

“Churchill is a divisive figure here, especially in the North,” said Professor Annabelle Smythe. “He deployed troops to break up strikes in Liverpool and Cardiff and had some wild ideas about race, but everyone on Earth can agree that one thing the man definitely had was a throbbing boner for killing Nazis. But now a large groups of conservatives are flying the Nazi flag as a point of pride. I don’t know how someone can claim to love America and democracy so hard, but then support it’s most evil enemy.”

The conspiracy theorist known as Q stated that they believe Churchill would support Trump if still alive.

“Just as JFK Jr. will one day reveal himself to be alive, it’s clear to me Churchill faked his death,” wrote Q during a recent Q drop on 4chan. “No, not faked his death, cos then he’d be 150 years old. They put his brain in…no that’s not good. Oh, here we go. Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was born in 1965, the same year Churchill died so Kavanaugh is Churchill reborn. There we go. Nailed it. So Kavanaugh likes Trump therefore Churchill does too. Future proves past #WWG1WGA, etc., etc.”

Far-right pundits announced they have decided to ignore history and common sense and to continue misquoting Churchill for the foreseeable future.

Unrealistic Standards? Ever Since Jeremy Allen White’s Photo Shoot, My Partner Expects Me To Wear Underwear

Posted on by Brett Olsen

Ever since Jeremy Allen White exposed his Calvin Kleins to the world, the newfound friction between me and my wife has reached its boiling point. Apparently my dangly bits are now chopped liver as she would rather have me shackle my genitals in a cotton prison than perpetuate the free willy-nilly precedent.

It’s important to be cognizant of what is within your control as the world becomes increasingly chaotic. Up until now, I didn’t have to look far—just down. There’s something reassuring about waking up and immediately seeing your junk still attached to your body. If being a little neurotic is a crime, can we at least admit it’s a harmless one? If not, you better bring a cage with those handcuffs because we plan on sharing a cell.

Our marriage had once blossomed on a firm foundation of nonjudgement, warmth, and most importantly: compromise. When I insisted on listening to Kanye despite all the headlines, we settled on nothing after “Life of Pablo.” When I picked up smoking, we met halfway by removing ashtrays from the bedroom. I don’t see any viable solution here, however. I hate boxers, briefs, and the unfathomable hybrid. When the Arctic breeze hits my jeans, I need to feel everything.

A new demand—pardon, “suggestion”—seems to follow whenever Chef Swole pops up on her feed. I have become a subservient yes-man and met every request head-on with a rejuvenated enthusiasm this house hasn’t seen in decades: the toilet seat is down and is staying down, sponges are replaced at a healthy cadence, I actively listen when she speaks, etc. I am doing my best to be the perfect husband in hopes that she simply forgets about the underwear thing. As much as I love her, this is still America, and I’m not letting anybody tell me what I can or can’t do with my genitals.

Everybody has a hill they’re going to die on, but this isn’t mine. I don’t know what my hill is. All I know is when I eventually find it, I am going to climb to the top and promptly die with my package pressed against my jean zipper. I just hope it’s before Season 3 of “The Bear” is released.