The Trump campaign has been in a downward spiral ever since the media caught wind of the fact that he and everyone around him are “weird.” So far, he’s adamantly denied this, which is frankly the wrong move given how clearly fucking weird he is. We never thought we would be giving advice to Donald Trump, but seriously guy, your best move is to just embrace it.
What better way for Trump to pivot his campaign into a weird-forward direction than to source his campaign song from the king of weird himself, Weird Al Yankovic?! It just makes sense. Every time Trump tries to use a popular song in his campaign he immediately gets called out by the artist and told to stop, but since Weird Al already steals his music to begin with, he won’t really have grounds to protest. Entrenching yourself with people on shaky legal footing so that they can’t call you out on your crimes is straight out of the Trump playbook, we’re surprised he hasn’t thought of it already.
Here are the top 30 Weird Al hits ranked by how likely they will become the anthem that carries the Trump campaign all the way to humiliating defeat this November (listen along to the playlist, click here):
30. Polkamania!
Really this spot is a placeholder for all of the Weird Al polka mixes; “Polka Power!,” “Polka Your Eyes Out,” “Angry White Boy Polka,” the list goes on. Probably not the way to go since they all directly quote artists who will condemn him if pushed, but there’s something about mashing a bunch of hit songs together to make “the greatest, hugest, best song” that feels very Trump-logic.
29. Inactive
Trump loves calling opponents names like “lazy” so it’s not unimaginable that he would adapt this song as a dis track against Kamala Harris. And then people will say “But the song says YOU’RE inactive” and he’ll say fire back with “No, use your brain, I have the best brain,” and like, you can see it, right?
28. Smells Like Nirvana
Probably the wrong move. Even through the lens of Weird Al, Trump doesn’t have the mental capacity to appreciate even the most mass-appeal offering of anything you would call alternative music. It’s been confirmed that VP nominee Tim Walz is the first major party candidate to know who Hüsker Dü is, so he should avoid going down that road.
27. Tacky
This could work if Trump goes full-force into the ironic self-depreciation. “Right now the Democrats are saying it’s ‘weird’ that I wanna make America great again. Well, what can I say? I’m weird. I’m ‘cringe.’ I’m tacky.” Cue song, he does a disgusting little old white man dance, everyone throws up in their mouth a little bit, it’ll be great!
26. The Night Santa Went Crazy
Let’s not rule out using one of Mr. Yankovic’s original compositions! What does a melodic account of a Santa murder spree have to do with politics? Absolutely nothing, and therein lies its strength. We’re going full-boar weird on this one, all logic out the window. Windmills cause cancer, bleach cures Covid, Santa murders people, vote for me!
25. Lasagna
It’s as catchy as “La Bomba” with the added bonus of featuring one of America’s greatest comfort foods, lasagna! Unfortunately, such food is a little too “ethnic” for Trump, so he’ll probably pass.
24. Ebay
All the catchy earworm power of an early ‘00s boy band hit coupled with a nod to his ever-popular “He’s gonna run the country like a business” narrative.
23. Like a Surgeon
Because he’s going to cut resources from government programs millions of people depend on “like a surgeon.”
22. I Love Rocky Road
Why should Trump use this for his campaign song? “Because the godless liberals are working tirelessly to make marshmallow chocolate ice cream illegal!” It’s not remotely true, but it has every bit of credibility as all of the other shit he says, so why not?
21. Foil
This one is for the hardcore Qanon believers. Those people are no strangers to tinfoil, and they’ll appreciate the shout-out to their hats.
20. My Bologna
In all his scramble to find a childish gibberish insult for Kamala that will actually stick Trump is bound to land on “Kamala Bologna” at some point in the coming weeks. He’s still hung up on “Kamabala” at the moment, but he’ll get there. With this song backing it up, it just might have some staying power. It’s his exact brand of nonsense, and we think it has potential not seen since “covfefe.”
19. Fat
To him, this is the height of comedy. Trump has never shied away from calling opponents derogatory names as childish as “old” and “fat,” and he’s never let objectively being both of those things get in his way. The confusion of the lyric being “I’m fat” and not “My opponent is fat” only plays further into Trump’s trademark chaos.
18. Couch Potato
Listen closely to the lyrics on this one, it’s basically a protest song for the type of people who want a reality TV star to be president.
17. Deja Vu (But Worse)
This is the closest Weird Al has ever gotten to a political protest song, and while Biden dropping from the race already puts it out of date, it actually features Trump soundbites. He would probably listen to it and think “Who the hell is this guy, he’s so damned smart!”
16. It’s All About the Pentiums
It’s still confounding to us that this senile geriatric became the go-to candidate for tech bros and Musk sycophants, but if you got it flaunt it?
You’d think one of the most beloved DC hardcore bands reuniting with fan-favorite frontman and putting out the first album in ten years would’ve been a huge deal but this mostly went under everyone’s radar. Why? It could be because musically it is a slightly bland retread of their earlier stuff but most likely it’s because Dave Smalley came out with his “Gonzo Conservative Punk” ideology during the height of the Bush-is-a-literal-war-criminal era and alienated their audience. Dag Nasty fans don’t really want to hear about politics and they definitely don’t want to hear how supply-side economics is “actually really punk when you think about it.”
This is basically “Can I Say” originally recorded in 1985 with their first singer Shawn Brown and shelved for decades. I’m probably going to lose punk points for ranking it so low but I have a perfectly valid response: Come onnnn. This is a fine album and if you like “Can I Say” you’ll like this but it’s just not the same with Shawn’s vocals. He would go on to front Swiz which was a much better fit for him.
Remember on “The Simpsons” when Milhouse’s dad got divorced and recorded a demo song “Can I Borrow A Feeling”? There are moments on “Field Day” that sound a lot like that. This might honestly be the weirdest fucking album you will ever listen to. It’s like every genre being played all at once. That said, there are some really outstanding moments, and the instrumentation at times is super catchy even if the vocals sound like they were recorded by someone who didn’t want to wake their parents in the next room.
Their first reunion album after the initial break up with Dave Smalley returning on vocals and Brian Baker taking a break from his questionable decision to form his cringey bar rock band Junkyard. Seems like the band as a whole got out of their system whatever the fuck it was they were attempting to do on “Field Day” and returned with a mostly great album. Arguably their most fun album with a number of songs that seem like they were custom-made for early ‘90s snowboard videos.
The title track is the anthem for the straight edge kids who have to deal with drunk friends at parties and “The Godfather” sounds like the soundtrack to an ‘80s movie training montage for those same kids except instead of training for the big race where they beat the blonde rich kid bully or whatever they are just trying to get past the stage in “Mario Brothers” with all the cannons. Yes, drugs are bad but a steady diet of Coke and Doritos isn’t the clean-living flex you think it is.
You could have a healthy debate about what the greatest melodic hardcore album of all time is. There are a lot you could mention but it would probably come down to Gorilla Biscuits “Start Today” and “Can I Say.” Travis Barker has “Can I Say” tattooed on his chest and not “Start Today” so I’m not sure if that helps the cause or not for this album but Dave Smalley’s earnestness and the sing-alongability not to mention Smalley’s “I walked by you on the street the other day” monologue put this in the hardcore hall of fame for sure.
Rankings are a tough racket, one album had to be listed in the brown stinker spot in this piece, and The Vines’ fourth album “Melodia.” Maybe we’d dig this full-length studio release more, and we must mention on record that we still do enjoy every album from The Vines, if it went with its original title, “Braindead,” but that also possibly is as false as the night. An interesting thing to mention is that the record often sounds ADD in that only one song, “True as the Night” is longer than three minutes, and that twelve out of the album’s fourteen songs are under two minutes and thirty seconds, and four are even under two minutes.
After two perfect by any stretch of your lack of imagination back to back LPs, The Vines found themselves in a difficult position for album number three, and released “Vision Valley,” which, again, like all The Vines records, is good, but unlike its predecessors, just isn’t great. A parable that we ascribe to is that good is the enemy of great, and even if you don’t agree. Also, a band in 2024 could NEVER have a song called “Futuretarded,” or they would be canceled and there would be online discussions about who can and can’t use that word. Today vocalist and chief songwriter Craig Nicholls is the only consistent member of The Vines, and “Vision Valley” started the leaving member trend with bassist Patrick Matthews exiting shortly before this one.
The band’s newest and seventh full-length studio album, “In Miracle Land” is not only NOT The Vines’ lowest ranked LP here, but it is also not in the second lowest slot, proving that what is new isn’t necessarily that bad. Surprise surprise with a newly mended heart? Yessir and yesmadam! Basically, we just LOVE the sound, and hate is a strong word but we really, really, really don’t like you. Also, “In Miracle Land” is the first to be mentioned that is somewhere between good and great, proving that this band not only is capable of creating works with a lot of killer and little filler. Why the title track is the only single here plagues our brain, as the record should have had at least two others, but that’s just showbiz! In closing, this album cover would be delightful as framed wall art for your overpriced studio apartment.
Missing the medal position by just a smidge, “Future Primitive” is still a more than solid release front to back, and was expertly and pristinely recorded by The Bumblebeez’ Chris Calonna, whose band you may not have heard of, but is quite successful down unda. If you have, we apologize for said blunder and promise to do it again soon. Anyway, especially considering that this is the band’s fifth LP, “Future Primitive” showcased that the band’s past dictated their future, and said future is the antithesis of primitive, and quite, wait for it, wait for it, (highly) evolved. In a badass move, the band was unsigned prior to 2011, self funded this badass release, and ultimately signed with Sony Music Australia, who ultimately released “Future Primitive”. So read on for something wicked, winning, and evolved.
You may not be able to recall any song from this record off the top of your metallic ladybug noggin, and anything you say proves it, but, like many songs in the modern age, you likely may have listened to some tracks passively on various hard/alt-rock DSP curated playlists. Well, still many Australians in fact do recall many tunes from this 2014 effort, and the Thunder Down Under Aussie fans likely account for the majority of the publicly viewed successful streams from “Wicked Nature,” and not Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” It is worth mentioning that shockingly to domestic diehards and casual fans, out of the top ten listed popular tracks from The Vines, FIVE, yes five, are from “Wicked Nature”. The band certainly had faith in this record as well, certainly their best since 2004, as it was released under their own label, the appropriately named Wicked Nature Music.
One of the more underrated Capitol Records LPs, at least from this century, “Winning Days,” is a proper sequel in that it truly sounds more expensive and certainly huger than its incredible predecessor, whilst not reinventing the wheels in too many ways that it successfully rode towards success the first time. Sadly, another way that it is a sophomore record is that its sales waned in comparison to and respect to the band’s debut full-length album. Fun fact: This record’s catchy opening track and second single “Ride” was featured in an Apple commercial in the mid-aughts. Fun opinion: Maybe this tune should have been the first single, as the label opted for the album’s closer “F.T.W.” instead, which stands for what you think it does and couldn’t be a hit because of its moniker. In closing, this album and the next mention have no “skip it” tracks.
The word “the” was used in 2002 before a plural noun in a band name almost as many times as George W. Bush avoided doing anything presidential whilst he golfed eighteen holes or more with Dick Cheney. “Highly Evolved” is a perfect record and certainly one of the more underrated aughts rock efforts, that’s for sure! Despite going platinum in their native Australia and gold in the U S and A, we rarely hear this band or album name checked in the concrete jungle one-millionth as much as we should, and that doesn’t make us come in, come in, come in. Producer Rob Schnapf, whose last name likely gets mispronounced often, killed it here, much like he did for Saves the Day’s “In Reverie” and several Elliott Smith LPs.
