Zoe Eri, Author at HARDTIMES

Giggling Clarence Thomas Spends Entire Night Chatting on Phone With Donald Trump About Ways to Block Kamala Harris Nomination

Posted on July 22, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways to force President Biden to stay in the presidential race, confirmed sources worried about long-distance phone rates.

“Oh my god, Donny is so flippin’ funny sometimes. When Ginni (Thomas) handed me the phone and told me who it was I turned bright freakin’ red, aaaaaaaah,” said Thomas while practicing writing “Clarence Trump” in his notebook. “We talked for hours about obscure legal precedents that could force delegates to pledge their votes to Biden, and we also talked about different ways to interpret the 25th Amendment and before I knew it five hours had already gone by. I kept being like you need to hang up first, and he told me I needed to hang up first. Then I asked him if he liked anyone on the Supreme Court like, more than a friend. I told Donnie I’m going to be on Harlon Crow’s yacht for the next few weeks and he needs to come by to party.”

Other members of the Supreme Court are starting to show signs of jealousy because of Justice Thomas’ flirty rapport with the Republican nominee.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. I feel like I’m invisible when it comes to Trump,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh trying to hold back tears. “After I helped end Roe v. Wade I was expecting maybe a call or a text saying he was proud of me, but I got totally ghosted. Everyone looooves Clarence, but I’m the one that perjured myself during my confirmation hearings. I guess that means nothing to some people. If I don’t start getting some respect around here I’ll drift more towards the center. I’m serious, they won’t be able to count on ol’ Brett to end Obamacare, nope. Sorry, not sorry. Shoulda thought of that when you bailed on my birthday party.”

Janice Escovitch of the Supreme Court watchdog group For the People is alarmed by the relationships Trump has with so many justices.

“It’s kind of sad at the end of the day, these are full-grown adults being strung along by a power-hungry madman and they don’t even realize they are being used,” said Escovitch. “There was a recent series of photos with Trump and Justice Neil Gorsuch on what seemed to be a date at a mini golf course at Mar-a-Lago. The former president was standing behind Justice Gorsuch to help him with his swing, and there was even a photo where they were sharing an ice cream cone. Trump is a player, and these justices don’t understand the game.”

At press time, Justice Thomas was working up the courage to ask Trump to be his date to the annual Supreme Court Winter Formal.

Man On Day Two Of Meltdown After Being Asked Favorite Band

Posted on July 22, 2024 by Matt McInerney

KEENE, N.H. — Local man Wesley Peck is on day two of an absolute meltdown after being asked what his favorite band is, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“Sure, I have favorite bands, but to narrow it down to just one, that’s an impossible task. Why would someone put me in that situation? It’s like asking me to summarize my entire life experience in a tweet,” said Peck as he paced back and forth. “Maybe Every Time I Die? It shows I’m a little hardcore, a little metal. But I don’t want people to think I’m just a metalcore dude. And it’s gotta be more obscure. Maybe Earth would do the trick. The Black-Sabbath’s-old-name thing should play well. But I’m not sure if drone metal gets to the core of who I really am. I could just say Sabbath, but that’s so mainstream. Or The Weakerthans, but that’s not hardcore. What if I just said ‘you wouldn’t have heard of them anyway.’ Oh, that’s pretty good! But is it too pretentious? Fuck!”

Bonnie Garcia, a friend of a friend, was unintentionally responsible for this meltdown.

“I was just trying to make conversation. I had no idea my question would kick off a full-on identity crisis. It started out innocently enough; he’d start to answer, stutter, then stare off into the distance,” said Garcia. “It escalated quickly though. By his fourth attempt, I could almost see smoke pouring out of his ears. He finally asked if he could get back to me before storming off. My other friends said they haven’t seen him since. They’re planning a candlelight vigil for Friday.”

Henley Payne, a social psychologist, understands how serious a favorite band can be.

“If you dedicate your life to the music you love and build your personality around it, trying to pick just one band can be a monumental feat. It’s like asking the cast of ‘Sister Wives’ to pick a favorite child–a lot easier if you only have a couple to pick from,” said Payne. “We’ve all heard of decision paralysis, but this is the next level. No one thinks picking pasta sauce epitomizes who you are as a person. Well, unless you pick Ragu. I just can’t imagine having that little self-esteem.”

At press time, Peck had emerged and finally found Garcia to share his favorite band, to which she responded, “I’ll check them out, what’s your favorite song?”

Opinion: Frankly I’m Surprised That Qualifying for a “License to Ill” Requires So Much Paperwork

Posted on July 22, 2024 by James Knapp

Well, this was certainly unexpected. Here I am, a relatively law-abiding American citizen, trying to submit my application for a simple “License To Ill” only to get railroaded by the bureaucracy down at the county clerk’s office again. Why can’t things just be easy for once?

Also, I think it’s strange that “Ill Licensure” has its own office. Couldn’t they save a lot of money by just having it handled by the Public Works department?

Of course, I expected there to be some paperwork involved with me becoming a fully credentialed “iller.” But why in the love of fuck do I need to provide five years worth of tax returns to prove that I have 51% of my estate dedicated to “dope chillin’” at all times. That seems like something I should be able to provide on rep alone without it being filled out in triplicate.

And the clerk in this office absolutely reeks of salvia. He definitely did not file those 1040s properly.

All I want to be able to do with this license is fight for my right to party within a completely above board capacity, which will already be difficult since the License To Ill is only valid in Williamsburg and parts of Red Hook for some reason. I mean why even have the license if you’re gonna make it impossible to apply for and even then restrict it so much?

You know how most government offices have a little tray with coffee in the waiting room? Well this one just has a box filled with orange juice and forties of malt liquor, so that’s nice at least.

So now they’re saying that I need to refile all of my previous paperwork because “the beat was dropped” in my last application. I’m not even sure what that means so maybe this whole idea was a non-starter. I think I’m just gonna mix myself one more brass money for the road. Boy, it’s gonna be a pretty sloppy subway ride back to Brooklyn for me.

Rob Halford Receives Final Warning for Riding Motorcycle Inside Costco

Posted on July 22, 2024 by Steve Packosky

PHOENIX – Heavy metal icon and singer of Judas Priest Rob Halford reportedly received a final warning for riding his motorcycle inside his local Costco, startled sources rushing from his path confirmed.

“Frankly, we’ve been extremely lenient with Mr. Halford up until now,” said Tara Becker, general manager for the bulk-grocery chain’s Phoenix location. “While we certainly appreciate his business, we simply can no longer accept him slowly rolling his Harley Davidson into this store amidst smoke from machines he’s surreptitiously installed on either side of the door. The sound of him revving the engine alone is enough to frighten away our customers who are just trying to enjoy our myriad low prices on name-brand products. We’ll have no choice but to revoke his membership if he does this again.”

Halford expressed dismay at this treatment, but appeared resolute in not altering his behavior going forward.

“You don’t become a metal god by bowing down to every demand made to you by authority figures,” the singer scoffed while adjusting his signature jewel-bedazzled leather jacket and cabbie hat. “I’ve been riding my motorcycles on stage for decades to millions of Judas Priest fans, so I don’t see why Costco should be any different. Why should my monthly outing for groceries and cat food be any less epic than singing ‘Hell Bent for Leather’ to thousands of screaming metalheads?”

Cultural psychologist Jamaal Wilkins remarked that such an attitude is common amongst prolific musicians in the metal and punk genres.

“Mr. Halford is certainly no exception when it comes to this type of conduct,” said Wilkins. “There is a long history of artists carrying their on-stage antics into inappropriate settings. GG Allin was famously banned from all K-Mart locations for defecating on the floor in the electronics department, and Ben Weinman is no longer welcome in Guitar Center after climbing and immediately falling off a Marshall Stack display in a New Jersey store. Once one has spent years living concurrently as both a performer and an everyday citizen, it can become increasingly difficult to toggle between the two.”

“I have to add, though,” Wilkins concluded, “that those dweebs at Costco are totally overreacting. Priest rules.”

At press time, Halford was spared from further castigation when store employees were called to the Personal Care section to address a shirtless Iggy Pop cutting his chest open with a package of men’s razor blades.

Biden Cancels Campaign Citing Low Ticket Sales

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity with almost everyone in the United States, sources confirmed.

“Listen Jack, this was a tough decision. But we looked at the numbers and we just can’t make it work. With the price of gas for Air Force One it just doesn’t make economic sense for me to fly all over the country and keep fighting,” said a somber President Biden while being held up by two Secret Service members. “We had a good run, I got to give billions of dollars in weapons to some of my favorite people in the world and I’ll be forever grateful to be a part of their genocide. I know the next Democrat in office will carry on that legacy with grace and empathy. For the next few months, I’ll be playing some intimate local rallies, but my time in the spotlight is nearly over. I’m looking forward to living the last few weeks of my life as a civilian.”

Those calling for Biden to drop out of the race were excited to hear the news.

“This is amazing. It’s refreshing to see Biden being so honest. I was expecting maybe he would say some bullshit like he was checking into rehab, or maybe the tried and true ‘exhaustion’ excuse we see so often,” said Leon Anthony. “It’s tough to admit to the fact nobody likes you anymore, but he also needs to realize nobody ever liked him to begin with. All of this could have been avoided if the DNC hadn’t fucked things up so badly four years ago, but hey, the world is burning, the oceans are boiling, maybe none of us will be around in November anyway.”

Political scientist Dr. Andrea Klein of Yale University admits to being overwhelmed by the volume of news leading up to the 2024 election.

“Quite frankly, I’m exhausted. I just want one day, one fucking day, where there isn’t some news that ruins my plans. Just today I was out to lunch with my pregnant daughter and Biden dropped out of the race before we got the bill, suddenly I have 40 news outlets texting and calling me for a statement,” said Dr. Klein. “Remember when Mitt Romney had ‘binders full of women’ and that was the biggest news story? It wasn’t even that long ago, can we please go back to that? I really can’t handle this shit anymore.”

At press time, Trump’s campaign mangers were devising more ways to get the former President shot in order to get him more positive coverage.

Oh, You’re a Morbid Angel Fan? Name Three Ancient Sumerian Gods

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Steve Packosky

Sick Formulas Fatal to the Flesh shirt, bro. You’re a Morbid Angel fan? Prove it by naming three ancient Sumerian gods. I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.

The absolute nerve you displayed stepping out of the house like that. Did you think you wouldn’t be found out? So it’s suddenly OK to wear a Morbid Angel shirt while not even being able to name a single Anunnaki? You probably don’t even know that they’re the offspring of Ki and An, you uncultured swine. Educate yourself, for Christ’s sake.

“Oh, I just love the music.” Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, Pete Sandoval’s technical prowess on Chambers of Dis is a mindblowing display of precision contrasted with Trey Azagthoth’s chaotic fretwork, but the gods of the Pantheon created order FROM chaos. If you weren’t such a fucking simp you’d know that we are tasked to work alongside them in ensuring chaos doesn’t return. Did that even cross your mind when you put that shirt on, or did you just think “Oooh, pretty colors, want wear now” like the mindless oaf that you are?

“Anunnaki, Judges of Ur, remember. Anunnaki, Weighers of the Truth, be praised” is what Steve Tucker growls in the first track of the album whose artwork you’re ignorantly displaying right now. Did you know that Ur was an ancient city patroned by the moon god Nanna? Of course you didn’t, and had you been a resident of Ur, Nanna would have smote you like the insignificant little particle of fatuity that you are. You make me sick.

What’s that? You own the limited-edition slim pack Domination vinyl? Well, bully for you! What would be more impressive is if you had a copy of the Eridu Genesis, which every true Morbid Angel fan knows contains the tale of Enki instructing Ziusudra to build a boat for the Great Flood, something which might ring a bell in your feeble little Western mind. Ugh, even having a PDF of it on your desktop would’ve sufficed. But let’s all gather around and applaud you on the shirt which you donned with all the thoughtfulness of a fucking amoeba.

I’d love to stick around and berate you some more, but I see someone wearing a Bolt Thrower shirt and I definitely don’t recognize this plebe from any of my Warhammer 40K meetups.

Biden Touts Mental Acuity By Releasing Successfully Completed “Can You Spot The Difference?” Results From Highlights Magazine

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Alex Vlahov

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden assured the nation of his cognitive faculties by publicly releasing his Highlights magazine “Can You Spot the Difference?” quiz results, confirmed sources who just wished he would step down already.

“Listen Jack, here’s the deal — there’s a fox hiding in that hay loft window. But over here in this other picture, he’s disappeared. And that’s no joke,” Biden said while pointing at the magazine and staring into the middle distance. “The fact is, the spots on the cow have shifted, folks. Bottom line is there are more apples on the ground, man. Anyone can see that. Look, that scarecrow coat has a whole new color. Trump wouldn’t be able to see these changes, just like how he failed to protect America, and that’s no foolin’.”

Biden’s physician Dr. Elliott McGarkle reaffirmed the President’s mental confidence.

“He’s been practicing and doing the Highlights magazine quizzes for months now, anticipating voter skepticism, but I think he’s in really great shape,” Dr. McGarkle shared in between very frequent visits to the Oval Office. “We have him on ashwagandha smoothies and are ensuring mental sharpness with his usual five-hour nap. Sure, he might have gotten a helpful hint from family here or there, but at least he circles the differences himself. Plus this is the only test his team will accept publicly releasing, so it’s really all we have to work with.”

Lyndsey Whittaker, the longtime White House Historian, put Biden’s announcement in context.

“There is actually a long American political tradition of using ‘Spot the Difference’ panels to boost one’s electability in a presidential race,” Whittaker shared from her windowless federal office. “Kennedy was known to sleep with both the inker and illustrator of Highlights magazine. Reagan could barely complete the quiz towards the end of his second term, while Clinton used interns for help. Trump surprised everyone by confidently claiming two images to be exactly the same, a historical first, but what’s surprising is how many people simply went along with it.”

At press time, Biden stirred doubt by refusing to release his completed “My Day at the Beach” themed word search.

Help! Someone Doodled on My Face and Now I Have to Open for Machine Gun Kelly

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Chris Bratton

I never thought I’d be a cautionary tale. But now I know you should never get blackout drunk in front of your old friends from high school who want to get wasted because our old buddy Louie got out of prison early on good behavior. Apparently when I blacked out my friends had a little fun at my expense by drawing dumb doodles on my face, but I had no idea until I grabbed the mail and a high-powered music producer stepped out of a limo.

He did that thing where he made his thumbs and pointer fingers into a rectangle and looked through. “Yes,” he shouted, made me sign a contract and handed me a fanny pack full of cocaine. And even though I am an engineer, I’m apparently the supporting act for Machine Gun Kelly’s next tour.

Nothing made sense. I asked my manager, whose name is Vito Money for some reason, what I should do and he told me my pre-arranged closest friend and confidant is Pete Davidson and I should go meet him at the Viper Room to get some perspective. But the only thing Pete wanted to talk about though was his beef with Kanye and hot Hollywood tail to which I kept responding, “no cap,” I was in too deep. I looked in the cocaine mirror on the table and realized I was wearing just a blazer and no shirt underneath.

I ran home in a blur, struggling under the weight of so many necklaces, with only monster energy drinks to hydrate. When I arrived, I found my wife drinking champagne with Kourtney Kardashian, discussing an upcoming collaboration where they would sell high end beauty products to which some of the proceeds would go to “poors.” My wife is an elementary school librarian!

I called the producer and told him, “I didn’t ask for this!” He replayed me saying it with a ton of reverb and two days later “I Didn’t Ask for This” was charting in the Billboard top 100. I have a doctorate and now I switch between singing emo break-up songs and doing that weird really fast white guy rap like there’s too much peanut butter in your mouth. It’s all so gross.

So let this be a lesson to you. The next time you are just trying to have a few beers and a few laughs with old friends, there can be consequences. I wish I could tell you more but I am on my way to a power lunch with Joe Jonas at The Rainforest Cafe.

Ted Nugent Develops Gas Powered Guitar As A Fuck You To Climate Activist Hippies

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Drew Gigis

FARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging hippies, sources stated.

“Climate change is nothing but a scam, that’s why I decided to make this righteous ax that spews so much carbon it will open up a hole in the ozone layer anytime I play a solo. Think of it as a 25 horsepower middle finger to all those blue-haired communists,” said Nugent on his podcast which is sponsored by Exxon Mobil. “I wanted it to be as inefficient as possible, so this baby runs on diesel and unleaded at the same time for maximum pollution. I just wish I had thought of it sooner.”

The engineer who actually designed the purposeless guitar, Elliot Reese, had a different experience with the development process.

“This thing is an abomination. I only took on the project to hopefully make connections with artists I actually respect but, unfortunately, nobody wants anything to do with this psycho,” explained Reese. “It doesn’t actually make noise due to the diesel, but I put in a gas engine that just combusts and cranks out fumes to make it look ‘cool’ and destroy the atmosphere. It’s amazing I was even able to finish the guitar because every five minutes Ted would storm into the workshop and ask me if the ‘Six-string Sissy Killing Machine’ was done yet.”

Some Nugent fans like Travis Brooks, who witnessed the guitar’s debut at a Nashville show, didn’t let near-asphyxiation and carbon monoxide poisoning ruin his good time.

“I tell ya, even though he’s getting up there in age, the Nuge still puts on a kickass show!” Brooks said between hits of his oxygen tank. “The fumes started getting to me real bad right when he started playing ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ but that only made the experience a million times better, damn near religious. Anyone out here who thinks he’s some sort of environmental hazard is a fuckin’ pussy.”

At press time, Nugent decided to shift his focus on improving the air conditioning on his tour bus because of the extreme heat all over the country and remained completely oblivious to the irony.

Six Songs We Listened to This Week Before The Internet Broke

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another long week, and you’re hoping to get a little R&R in before yet another Monday comes in to wreck your entire life. While we think you deserve to have a little time to yourself, we’re also horrified to hear that you haven’t listened to new music in months. No more excuses. Here are six new songs you need to listen to immediately. It’s for your health.

Drug Church ‘Demolition Man’

Albany, New York’s post-hardcore legends and your favorite band’s favorite band, Drug Church are set to release their latest album ‘PRUDE’ in October. Judging from what we’ve heard so far, it’s going to be another blistering show of loud guitars and hooks that will tear your throat out. Their latest single, ‘Demolition Man’ is a thunderous track about how dogs have more purpose than you ever will. If you want to prove the accusation wrong, you’ll want to preorder their new record from us immediately.

Chat Pile ‘I Am Dog Now’

Stop what you’re doing and take cover, because Chat Pile is back with an unholy vengeance. The Oklahoma City noise-rock outfit just announced a new album, Cool World, and a tour which we assume will place several cities on lockdown this fall. The lead single ‘I Am Dog Now’ is such a guttural and scathing sonic assault that we wouldn’t be surprised to find out it caused the CrowdStrike outage this week. Lock your doors, board your windows, and play this one at full volume. You’ve been warned.

Pagan Rage ‘Steal From Whole Foods’

Our lawyers have asked us to state that we do not endorse the suggested actions of this song’s title (wink), but that doesn’t mean we can’t tell you to get Pagan Rage, the project of Asheville’s Page Ragan, on your radar immediately. Her latest single, ‘Steal From Whole Foods’ comes fresh off the heels of this year’s excellent LP, ‘Death of Celebrity.’ It’s a fever dream of choppy synths, blown out vocals, and earworm hooks that are sure to live in your head rent-free as you steal – er, uh – purchase groceries from your favorite establishment.

Japandroids ‘Chicago’

Those that remember Japandroids being an active band will be saddened to know that the beloved duo is calling it quits this year. Their upcoming fourth record ‘Fate & Alcohol’ will reportedly be their last. Judging by the lead single ‘Chicago’ – which builds for a full two minutes before exploding into a trademark scream-along chorus – the band intends to go out with a bang, which is great news for anyone who naturally assumed they quietly left the party they helped start in 2017.

Goldfinger/Less Than Jake ‘I Had Some Help’ (Post Malone cover)

With so much going on in the world, we’ve really been needing a win. Thankfully, we have bands who aren’t afraid to give society what it needs to heal: a goofy cover of a Post Malone song. ‘I Had Some Help’ is apparently the longest running #1 single of 2024. According to Billboard’s rules and regulations, that means it is mandatory for at least one legendary ska-punk band to release a tongue-in-cheek version of it. Getting both Goldfinger and Less Than Jake is merely a bonus, or at the very least a scheduling mix-up at the studio, but we’re glad they delivered at any rate.

FIDLAR ‘Down N Out’

‘Surviving the Dream,’ FIDLAR’s first proper album in half a decade, is dropping next month and it seems like we’ll be getting a refreshing return to basics from the California trio. The latest single ‘Down N Out’ sounds like it could have been cut from their debut, with one key difference. Instead of nihilistic lyrics about drinking shitty beer from brown bags, this track focuses on the reality of getting too old to party and the brutal effects of aging. It proves that you can crowdsurf AND reflect on your life choices, which you absolutely should do.

Given your complete lack of new music listening skills, six songs aren’t really gonna cut it. You need to listen to our entire playlist of new jams. You can click here to check it out unless you want to be boring and uninformed for the rest of your life.