The Five Most Delicious Venison Dishes I Made Out of That Antlered Kid From the Fall Out Boy Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, I hope you’re hungry, because I went out hunting yesterday and put a Federal Premium 12-gauge 2 ¾ inch Magnum 00 Buck right between the eyes of this curious-looking fucker with big antlers. Caught a lot of shit from this girl near him, too. She was kneeling down near him and wailing about how I’m a “total monster” who “murdered her boyfriend” or something. Really put up a fuss while I hauled the carcass into my trunk, too, but whatever. She’ll be changing her tune once she tries one of these delicious venison dishes I prepared after cleaning and dressing him.

  1. Venison Stroganoff

The trick here was in cutting the meat into really thin strips before popping it into the slow cooker. It took a while, but was really worth it, and those egg noodles really brought out the kid’s natural flavors. You might give me flak for shooting him while he was strolling on a residential sidewalk, but I think that’s a bunch of beans. A deer’s a deer.

  1. Venison Pozole Rojo

I made full use of the neck on this one, and yeah, come to think of it, the lack of fur was kind of disconcerting. Weird things have been happening in this town since that train derailed and spilled all that ethanol in the creek, though, so maybe that’s it? Eh, I’m not going to lose sleep over it. The red chiles really gave this dish a delectable little kick.

  1. Venison Gyros

Yeah, now that you mention it, it was strange that this particular buck was bi-pedal. I’ve been hunting for over thirty years, and admittedly have never seen that before. I took an ethical shot though. Shouldn’t that count for something? Anyway, try these gyros I made from its rear portions. They’re really something, aren’t they?

  1. Venezuelan-Style Venison Tamales

I know these are more appropriate for fall or winter, but I just couldn’t resist the urge to make them from those great-looking shanks. Oh, you’re asking about the sweater and blue jeans this deer was wearing? I burned those. They seemed kind of extraneous, and I didn’t want them affecting the taste of the meat. Why are you looking at me like that?

  1. Fried Venison Backstrap with Currant Jam

Yes, the currant jam is homemade, too! Fried cornmeal with venison is such an underrated combination, and—wait, why are the cops here? Do you think they heard how good my venison cooking skills are, and they came to sample some for themselves? That’s probably it. I’ll go answer the door.

Woman on Boyfriend’s Shoulders Really Fucking Everyone Up in Pit

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MODESTO, Calif. — A local woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders was really wreaking havoc in the pit at a recent punk show, confirmed primarily unconscious sources. 

“Someone is really going to get hurt in here,” said mosher Vinny Frederick while tending to his fractured jaw. “I guess when someone’s feet are dangling that close to Adam’s apple level it can really do some serious damage. Spin kicks, roundhouses, and windmills are feeble compared to this man-woman amalgamation, who was nothing but a violent 10-foot-tall tornado of swinging appendages. I saw one guy passed out in a pool of his own blood. Another guy lost several teeth on a single kick. Oh, and someone else was brutally murdered as a result, but that’s actually pretty standard in the pit, so no harm, no foul there.” 

Gwendolyn Herman, the woman in question, didn’t quite see the unfair advantage she had.

“It’s not my fault I tower above the pit shorties,” said Herman while hopping down from her boyfriend’s shoulders as if she were dismounting a horse. “Turns out, some people in the pit had a real problem when I stood atop Craig’s shoulders and dove feet first directly into the back of some guy’s head. Or when Craig spun us around with his fists and my legs flailing about, like the Tasmanian Devil. Did 911 really have to be called? Sure, but mainly because of all the blood and broken bones. Let’s be real, there’s nothing that says I can’t do this.”

Experts were quick to check the pit etiquette rulebook on the matter.  

“All’s fair in love and moshing,” said Timothy “Shred Cakes” Baker. “For instance, crowdkilling is highly frowned upon, but not against pit policy. Brass knuckles are also legal in the pit, just not in every state, so check your local government regulations before equipping yourself at a show. Baseball bats, chainsaws, and semi-automatic weapons can also be good fun in the pit. But a woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders? It’s a tough call, but I’ll allow it.”  

At press time, things got even more savage when it was revealed that the couple was polyamorous and another woman got atop Herman’s shoulders, who was still very much on her boyfriend’s shoulders in the pit.

If I Had a Time Machine I Would Go Back to WWII, Find Hitler, and Perform “Ice Ice Baby” – guest post by Vanilla Ice 

Posted on by Kyle Donley

A lot of motherfuckers got something to say about me performing at the Freedom 250 concert, so I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Unlike treasonous snakes such as Bret Michaels and Young MC and Martina McBride and Morris Day and all of the Commodores and the second C from C+C Music Factory, I love our country and am honored to represent it the best way I know how – by performing “Ice Ice Baby”.

Let me be clear, I am not a political person. I’m an “Ice Ice Baby” person. Did I vote for Trump in the past 3 elections? Yes. Do I condone everything he has done in office? Yes. Am I only performing because Trump asked me to? Hell no! I’m performing because Trump is the only person in the last 20 years to ask me to perform anything other than a home inspection. Simply put, I’ll play for anyone who has an appreciation for early ‘90s rap with pop crossover appeal, whether it be an intimate performance in Dennis Kucinch’s living room or at the Nuremberg Opera House for Adolf Hitler himself!  

Calm down, snowflakes! Let me finish! I would also fully perform for the Jews at Auschwitz! That’s what people don’t seem to understand: “Ice Ice Baby” is for everyone. Whether you’re starving, wearing striped pajamas, or committing genocide with the homies, your ass will be dancing at a Vanilla Ice show. Whether or not I personally believe in ethnic cleansing is totally irrelevant. If Hitler wants to get funky, who am I to not perform “Ice Ice Baby” for him? I would actually consider it a war crime against me if I didn’t.

Look, this is what I do. Or what I did, I guess, before I started flipping houses. If you want someone to do the Holocaust, you go to Hitler. If you want someone to perform “Ice Ice Baby”, you come see me. Everyone’s always saying if they had a time machine they’d go back and kill Hitler. But me? I’m a man of peace. I’ll perform “Ice Ice Baby” and maybe even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze song for the prosperity of the Third Reich, but it’s got nothing to do with politics. And everything to do with heart.

Who knows, maybe Hitler would even come back with me in my time machine, and I could show him how we get down in Florida! Take him out four-wheeling, get his ass laid, chill poolside at Mar-A-Lago. Shit, we could have him give a speech at the Freedom 250 concert, y’all know he was a great orator! And see y’all wanted to kill this man when all he needed was for me to perform “Ice Ice Baby” at him. But as I said, everyone just needs to “collaborate and listen” instead of “spreading hate and friction”. Peace!

Help! Andrew WK Told Me My Bloody Nose Pics Aren’t Metal Because I Dropped My iPad on My Face Reading a Cozy Mystery Ebook

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Ever since I was a kid, I yearned for the effortless coolness of the I Get Wet album cover. Sure, it’s just a picture of a man with a bloody nose, but Andrew W.K., the bloodied man in question, looks so nonchalant you can’t help but think, “Damn. I wish I were that cool.” That’s why I was so excited the other day when I finally had my own I Get Wet moment. I was in bed at 9 P.M. reading a cozy mystery eBook like usual when suddenly my iPad slipped from my grasp and clocked me right in the nose. Once I felt the blood dripping down my upper lip, I knew what to do. I picked that iPad right back up, took a selfie, and posted for all to see with the caption “I Get Wet reading Agatha Christie.” I was even feeling bold enough to tag Andrew.

I think I look pretty fucking rock n’ roll in that picture, but according to Andrew Fetterly Wilkes-Krier, it doesn’t count if you’re a bibliophile.

He immediately commented, “Nice jammies, nerd. Forget your nightcap, Agatha? LOL.”

I cried straight into my bloodstains.

But then I thought about it and decided I shouldn’t let some illiterate man tell me I’m a nerd, no matter how cool and sexy and buff with beautiful hair he is.

I would argue that hovering a 1.5-pound slab of metal over your face every night is more metal than punching yourself for an album cover, Mr. W.K.

Further, and more importantly, I decided knowing yourself well enough to have your wind-down routine figured out feels pretty badass to me. I mean, sure, I guess it was pretty cool in my ‘20s when I would stay at bars until 3 AM and go home with an ex and then Uber to work in the morning, looking like what comes out of the shower drain. Damn, I kind of miss those times…but anyway, I was also in pain and tired all the time. And now that I have my sleep schedule on lock, well, I’m still in pain and tired because I’m older now, but like it could be much, much worse.

Now, off to bed with my next cozy mystery and a new stand for my iPad.

Inflation Impacting Food Baby Rates

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Higher than ever inflation rates have reached a point where they are now markedly impacting food baby rates, experts confirmed.

“We’re used to tracking things like death and birth rates, but with the economy where it is right now, we’re in completely new territory,” explained Josh Stone from the National Center for Health Statistics. “As inflation has just continued to go up and food prices have risen, we’ve been seeing more and more instances of couples and single people alike forgoing a life of food baby parenthood. They’re really missing out on the joys of raising a food baby. It’s so concerning, we’ve had to create a whole new branch just to track food baby rates. That branch makes up 35% of our annual budget.”

Food baby-free couples everywhere reacted to this news.

“I’m not at all surprised to hear that they’ve finally confirmed what we’ve been seeing with our own eyes for the past 10 years,” shared Jocelyn Miller. “None of our friends have food babies anymore. It’s become so normalized. My husband and I used to be able to enjoy going to Chipotle and spending $10 for a burrito that would give us one healthy food baby. We could even afford twins on date night. It’s crazy that we’re supposed to just be okay with this. It’s not the lifestyle we were raised to expect.”

Sarah Thomas, an acclaimed Economic Sociologist, shared an expert take on what this trend means for the population.

“This is another concerning trend we’ve been tracking amidst worsening inflation and job loss,” said Thomas. “I’m surprised but glad to see government agencies are finally recognizing it for the issue that it is. We’ve had our eyes on food baby trends for a while. Things in the ‘90s were so good, even kids were having food babies. Social trends change all the time based on the economy, so it made sense when the trend shifted a little so that only parents were having food babies. But now? Only the ultra-rich have the ability. It’s not right. The average American should be able to eat an entire pizza, become food baby pregnant that night, and then give birth to a healthy pizza baby first thing in the morning.”

At press time, government officials announced they are setting up a task force to get to the bottom of this crisis, and they assured the public it will place blame on citizens.

Goddamnit: New Friend Just Referred to COVID-19 Vaccine as “The Jab”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ugh, of fucking course. You can’t just make a nice, normal friend, can you? As if meeting new people in your thirties isn’t difficult enough on its own, you have to go ahead and attract every dipshit the right-wing ecosystem has deemed fit to create and shoot in your direction. Case in point: Andrew, the ostensibly cool dude you met at the Testament show last week, just referred to the COVID-19 vaccine as “the jab”.

Goddamnit. Maybe he just casually refers to them as such for no reason in particular? Hmmm, highly unlikely. It’s doubtful that there’s a single recorded case in all of human history of someone who’s not a gullible, anti-vax idiot unironically using that phrase. Plus, he just tossed it out while you two were discussing how your favorite metal venue started hosting shows again at the tail-end of the pandemic. To quote him directly: “I really wanted to go to the Cattle Decapitation show back in 2021, but you needed to have gotten ‘the jab’ to get in”. There’s really no way around it.

But fuck, man, he seemed really cool, otherwise. You both talked to some dude at the show last week wearing that Municipal Waste shirt with a picture of Trump blowing his brains out, and he didn’t seem bothered at all by that, so you just kind of assumed he was liberal or, at the very least, completely apolitical. Maybe he’s just a really big Jenny McCarthy fan, or something? Is there a way to casually mention to him that extensive clinical trials and ongoing monitoring of hundreds of millions of cases proved, without a doubt, that the COVID-19 vaccine is extremely safe and effective, and serious adverse effects were so rare as to be completely diminished by the risk of worse issues caused by the disease itself? No, too late. The conversation has already switched to whether the Pirates have what it takes to make the playoffs. And yeah, Brandon Lowe’s contract should definitely be extended. Fuck.

Alright, better just let it slide, unless a new red flag shows itself. It is his body, after all, and it’s not like your friendship is based on epidemiology. There are myriad topics you two see eye-to-eye on, so maybe focus on those. Just be on the lookout for any other sketchy comments.

Oof, he just said that it’s a good thing we attacked Iran, and these high gas prices are a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes with attacking the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism. Maybe it’s time to find another friend. 

Millennial Struggles To Explain What a DVD-ROM Was

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Exasperated millennial Mitch Kurtz struggled to define “DVD-ROM,” a piece of portable technology popular in the 2000s, sources reported.

“Let me try this one last time. A ‘DVD’ is a disc you insert into a player, like how a VCR played a VHS. Wait, that’s not helpful. OK, you know how people stream movies? A DVD was like that, except it was physical and shaped like a donut and only played one movie,” the flustered Kurtz said. “So you insert this disc, and a movie pops up on a screen. You with me? Well, sometimes a movie didn’t show up. Sometimes it was data, like files and photos and stuff. That’s a DVD-ROM. Hmm? No, we didn’t stare at files on big screens like watching a movie in a theater. You know what a movie theater is, right? Hmmm. OK, once upon a time we had to see new movies in a secluded room with strangers. Yes, this was seen as normal. It’s like how you weren’t supposed to get in cars with strangers, but now there’s Uber. Basically, society shifted its creepers from dark rooms to cars. I guess that’s progress. What were we talking about? DVD-ROMs? I gotta tap out. I can’t start over again.”

The younger generations had no clue what Kurtz was trying to say.

“My older cousin tried for dear life to explain it to me, even though I never once asked about it,” said 24-year-old Taylor Rayworth before checking their phone to get the definition. “He was going on and on about how a DVD-ROM could hold movies while a CD-ROM could not, except when CD-ROMs did. So, CDs held music, but you didn’t call a music CD a CD-ROM, because a CD-ROM was what you put in a computer, while a CD was what you put in a Walkman, but not the Walkmans that took cassettes. Or something like that. Safe to say I had no follow-up questions for him.”

Experts also struggled to define the optical storage disc.

“Confusing naming conventions in tech date back to when floppy discs were square, not round, and also not floppy,” said Tara Byet, curator for the Computer History Museum in Mountain View, California. “Simply defining ‘DVD-ROM’ only scratches the surface. Subtypes included DVD-RAM, DVD-R, DVD+R, DVD-RW, and you know what? I don’t get paid enough to spend 11 hours explaining this. Nonetheless, those were somehow simpler times.”

As of press time, everyone agreed DVD commentaries were fucking rad.

Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its “absolute best” by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, according to confused sources within the Pentagon.

“The only way we’re gonna have a better fighting force than Russia or China is by making sure our dicks are way harder than theirs,” said Hegseth, already a few beers in by noon. “In addition to testing for low testosterone, this new measure will guarantee that only the firmest, stiffest, and most robust cocks are entrusted to fight for Uncle Sam. Just like I used to do with my squad in the National Guard, I will be personally tasked with going barrack-to-barrack at unannounced times, like when they sleep, to test the speed and duration of each soldier’s stiffy. Welcome to the new warrior culture. Oorah!”

Infantryman Kyle Lubowsky was surprised by this announcement.

“I’m all for having a powerful military, but I’m not quite sure having the Secretary do hand stuff to us is the right way to go,” said Lubowsky. “How would that even work? Most of the time, we’re exhausted from doing combat drills or endurance runs, so I don’t think checking how our penis works afterwards would be an accurate representation of our stamina. Maybe they can take the cost of these programs and put it towards something a bit more useful, like better support for our mental health or fixing the widespread toxic mold in our housing. But sure, I guess getting a hard-on while we bomb Iran is important too.”

Military Analyst Casper Ferrero explained that these protocols were just the tip of the iceberg.

“It’s very clear that this current administration will be holding its troops to vastly different standards than in the past,” stated Ferrero. “Not only are they testing for things such as hormone levels and pecker strength, but Hegseth is planning to only promote soldiers with the broadest shoulders and most chiseled jawlines, the latter requiring a mandibular angle within the range of 120–130 degrees. He’ll also reportedly be issuing dishonorable discharges for any fighter who gets hornier for photos of Scooby‑Doo’s Velma over the ‘way hotter’ Daphne.” 

At press time, Hegseth also announced mandated circle jerks prior to combat, which he would supervise to weed out the soldiers who went limp first.

Opinion: Birthright Dave & Busters Rewards Memberships Are Ruining This Country

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Okay, I know it, and you know it, and all the patriots on a Subreddit which I would rather not specify know it: America is at a crossroads. This once proud nation is facing a crisis like none other. One that will leave our children as impoverished minorities without access to the basic necessities of life, entertainment, and valuable prizes. I’ll tell it like it is, if no one else will: birthright Dave & Busters Rewards Memberships are ruining this country.

I don’t care what you bleeding-heart liberal so-called Dave & Buster Rewards Members have to cry about. Just because the bylaws of Dave & Busters, as enforced by their proud private equity investors Hill Path Capital, BlackRock, and the noble Vanguard group, state that any child born on D&B grounds automatically has a lifetime Rewards Membership doesn’t mean that is right or proper. It’s just a Deep State scheme to take hard-earned Game Chips™ out of the mouths of true patriots!

Sure, this may have made sense all the way back in 1866, when David Bryant Jefferson and Bustamore “Buster” Morris founded their eponymous restaurant chain as a way to move a shipload of cholera-tainted punch and rancid chicken wings. But that was then, and this is now. If they knew what their syphilis-addled minds had wrought, I am sure that would be as full of seething hatred as my rants to strangers at the D&B’s Mega Sports Bar.

Our country is being overrun by alleged D&B Rewards members who suckle at the teat of the Power Card program, dilute the value of the Summer Season Savings Pass (the only unit of currency worth a damn these days) and hog all the good games like John Wick Continental Pursuit. 

Our country will not survive if we continue to do the exact same thing that we have done for decades without any significant economic impact. The only thing we can possibly do is to strip membership from anyone who was born on the air-hockey table in the Burbank Dave & Busters. 

My god, have none of you people ever even heard of air-hockey birth tourism?

My father was a D&B Rewards Member. My grandfather was a D&B Rewards Member. My great-grandfather was shot by Bustamore “Buster” Morris over a lawn bowling dispute in which he tried to substitute a large, specially weighted mussel shell for his bowl, but I feel that should still count. I came by my D&B Rewards Membership the white way. I mean, right way.

How long can our country survive if we allow D&B Rewards to be flooded by strangers bused over from Main Event so their kids can reap the benefits that should only belong to people I personally know and approve of? Birthright D&B Rewards Memberships were a mistake in 1866, and they are a mistake now, unless there is some kind of previously unknown associated bylaw that would grandfather me in back to 1866 and max out my Game Chips™. 

If so, it has my full support. 

Man With Free Moment of Peace Decides To Ruin It By Scrolling X  

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

CLEVELAND — Local man Johnathan Maxwell was enjoying an unseasonably beautiful day in Lincoln Park before he decided to completely ruin a rare moment of peace by taking out his phone and scrolling X, confirmed sources who tried to warn him but to no avail. 

“I can’t explain why I decided to do it, but I guess self-sabotage is no joke,” said Maxwell, whose mood went from jovial to downtrodden in seconds after watching a video of Nazi’s marching through a quinceañera. “I had one free moment of peace, uninterrupted by work or life’s obligations, and I felt somehow drawn to open up my phone and look at some of the most racist and sexist shit anyone could ever see. It’s like my brain craved online trolls and there was nothing I could do to counteract it. This isn’t the first time Groypers ruined my mental health and it probably won’t be the last.”

Julia Arnold was also seen in the park, reading a novel peacefully on a blanket handmade by her grandmother in the 1950s, when she also decided to open her phone and ruin a perfectly fine afternoon.

“It was Instagram for me,” said Arnold. “I was in the middle of ‘Stoner,’ an incredible novel by John Williams when I decided to check a text message. Next thing I knew I was scrolling AI slop stories for 47 uninterrupted minutes and getting uncontrollably irritated. I knew I had to get back to reality when I got sucked into a rabbit hole of arguments about whether or not Michelle Obama was male or female.” 

Dr. Jonah Berger, an expert on viral content and social influence at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, explained why we feel so compelled to check our phones and ruin a perfectly fine moment of peace and solitude.

“Medically speaking, our brains are absolutely fucked,” Dr. Berger began. “They’re fucked rotten. These bricks in our pockets have completely ruined us from being able to sit with ourselves for one fucking moment and take in one fucking second of peace and fucking quiet. We have to take our phones and scroll aimlessly, or we will die. At least, that’s what our stupid brains have been trained to believe.”

At press time, a group of parents was seen scrolling through TikTok and secret dating apps while their children played a soccer game on a beautiful day, and one father missed his daughter’s first goal because he was arguing on Reddit about a golf tournament in Saudi Arabia. 

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