ASBURY PARK, N.J. — An outdoor metal show unexpectedly came to a complete stop after the band’s bass player Todd Michaels became distracted by a cool bug that wandered onstage, confused attendees reported.
“This isn’t just any old bug, but a black swallowtail caterpillar! He must’ve been attracted to how low tuned our guitars were and nearly got stepped on by our frontman Josh (Olden). This dude only has a lifespan of ten days, so I need to find a safe place for him to pupate in the scaffolding or something,” said Todd Michaels while searching for something to transport the big. “I asked the audience if anyone had any milkweed on them to feed him, and all they threw on stage was regular weed like this is some kind of joke. The show can wait, the intricate ballet of life is playing out here.”
Less enthusiastic about the local fauna was the band’s lead guitar player, who felt Michaels’ fascination had recently been holding them back.
“Of all the times for Todd to lose focus, it’s at the goddam Stone Pony summer stage. This is our big break and he’s fucking blowing it. I can’t say I’m shocked though, when we first started out playing in parks and empty lots he’d get sidetracked and follow ants back to their hill. I wish he’d forget about his entomology degree for just 45 minutes and just play,” said guitarist Mike Williams. “It’s not like we can just kick him out though, being that he’s the only one of us with a van. Still, I’m giving him five minutes to get it together before I feed that goddam caterpillar to those seagulls over there.”
Venue manager Greg Esposito nearly pulled the plug on the show entirely when Michaels began regaling the crowd with bug facts.
“When you book a band called Serrated Newborn, the last thing you’re expecting is a lecture about arthropods. I figured if I didn’t start seeing some headbanging soon we’d have a riot on our hands, but this fucking guy’s banter is the best I’ve ever seen,” said Esposito. “Shit, at this rate I may just ditch the metal acts and book science talks the rest of the summer. Can’t remember the last time some nerd tried to stab me with a broken beer bottle.”
As of press time, the band found a workaround and played the rest of their set while Michaels detailed the best ways to mutilate and kill invasive spotted lanternflies.
This record opens with a Trump sample because of course it does. This is a bland collection of typical-sounding A-F songs. This record would be great if Anti-Flag didn’t already exist. It came out in 2020 (surprise!) prior to the presidential election. Good thing they put this record out otherwise we might be dealing with another four years of “Cheeto in Chief” jokes. Thanks, Anti-Flag! This isn’t a bad record, by the way. It’s just their worst.
Unfortunately, this is yet another collection of Anti-Flag-sounding songs by a band that sounds like Anti-Flag. Even though they used a more diverse variety of instruments on this one, the songs seem uninspired compared to the bulk of their catalog. Maybe they shouldn’t have spent so much time and energy finding creative ways to call George Bush a nazi when the genuine article was right around the corner.
Am I crazy or does this record start with the opening notes of “Baby, I’m an Anarchist” by Against Me!? I mean they did try to sign them back in 2002, inspiring one of the greatest songs ever written (Tonight We’re Gonna Give It 35%). Maybe this was an homage. Either way, super generic album. At least it’s not a bunch of recycled Twitter slogans like the Trump records. There are also a ton of featured artists on the album, which is interesting to hear since Anti-Flag has such a distinct sound. I’d say give this one a listen for that alone.
The criticism of those last three records may seem harsh so let’s give credit where credit is due. Anti-Flag has like ten fantastic records. How many bands even have ten records? “The People or the Gun” is a solid selection of catchy political anthems mixed in with some generic filler. Still fun though. I will say that Trump song is cringy. It’s got a real “Hello, fellow young democrats” feel to it.
This is one of the better records in the latter half of the A-F discography. While the band tends to borrow from itself, “The General Strike” fuses the tone of “For Blood and Empire” with “The Terror State.” It’s just not as great as those records. This album highlights a particular attribute of every A-F album. Say what you will Anti-Flag, but those spikey-haired 40-year-olds sure as fuck know how to open and close a record.
“Mobilize” was created as a direct response to the attacks on 9/11. Released on February 19 the following year, Anti-Flag basically made this record quicker than it took for the towers to come down. The lyrics are super hamfisted, though well-intentioned, but the music is incredible. They really learned how to build a song to a big moment on this record. Not sure why it’s considered a full-length, though. Poorly recorded live songs shouldn’t count.
This is hands down the best album in the back half of the A-F discography. “American Spring” combines the classic Anti-Flag sound with a ton of throwback ’90s punk, which is a very underrated era in punk. This album really shows Anti-Flag carrying the punk torch into the next generation. Elephant in the room, A-F put out a ton of records since what most consider to be their golden era and I’d venture to bet that a lot of casual fans just check out the singles. If that’s you, then listen to this record.
“The Bright Lights of America” is by far the most exploratory record Anti-Flag has ever released. The tone is dark, the instrumentation is diverse, and the lyrics get extremely personal at times. Overall the album is a very successful departure from the band’s usual sound. However, some songs drag on a bit due to length and tempo, putting it just out of the top five.
This album launched Anti-Flag and helped shape the entire genre of modern protest punk. “Die for the Government” is as important to punk as it is for the band itself. There’s a mix of great and “eh” throughout this album but you can’t tell me you don’t feel all your blood rushing to your face when you hear Justin Sane’s opening war cry in the title track. This is the only record in this ranking that features original bassist and vocalist “Andy Flag,” which is the perfect cringy punk nickname. It’s just insane. Pathetic, really.
This was probably the first “real” punk album I ever heard. The first time I saw this album cover all I could think was, “Woah. That’s a lotta mohawks.” Anyway, “A New Kind of Army” is made up of iconic songs, chantable lyrics, and couple tracks that are just okay. This was during an era when Anti-Flag was putting out some of their best songs but every record had a handful of duds. They were likely trying to find their sound during this time and wrote a ton of incredible songs in the process. Justin Sane’s vocal tone on this album is absolutely perfect.
Sometimes art predicts the future. Jules Verne predicted the submarine in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Orson Scott Card predicted internet forums in Ender’s Game. Well, in perfect Anti-Flag fashion, the title track predicted people snarkily complaining about the government on Twitter. If you boiled every A-F at record down to a 6 song EP this would be their best. “Underground Network” has some great coming-of-age songs about growing up punk, which I wish the band would make more of. Unfortunately, “Underground Network” contains a handful of skippable tracks. I feel like I’m repeating myself but we are ranking Anti-Flag records after all.
“For Blood and Empire” was a massive hit for the band and propelled them into permanent punk relevance. Upon its release, people were skeptical about the band signing to a major label and worried it would lack the edge of their previous albums. While their pop sensibilities definitely improved on this album, the slight change in sound only served to showcase Anti-Flag at their best: as songwriters. Slicker production and tighter songwriting led to not only a number of iconic A-F songs but also made for a record with no skips. I’d argue that the best tracks from “Underground Network,” “Die for the Government,” and “A New Kind of Army” outshine the best tracks on this album, but as a whole, “For Blood and Empire” is an overall better listen from start to finish.
During the post-9/11 political punk explosion, Anti-Flag was seen as a “poser” band. At the time, bands like Against Me! and Leftover Crack were quickly on the rise, making Anti-Flag appear tame and “too popular” in comparison. Hell, on the Against Me! tour DVD they catch footage of some drunk crustie outside of the Ottobar proclaiming, “Anti-Flag?! They’re like… my nemesis.” Illuminating. Anyway, “The Terror State” changed that perception. With its extremely dark tone and violently aggressive lyrics, A-F took inspiration from the new blood in the punk scene and re-established themselves as the kings of punk songwriting. This record is so good you can ignore all the Rock Against Bush lyrics that somehow feel more dated than Dead Kennedys lyrics about Californian politicians from the ’80s. I may not know what any “G-A-double-T”s are but it’s been 20 years since this record came out and I know I damn sure don’t stand for any of those.
Sure, it’s got some bangers like “Tender Situation,” “Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy),” and “Hey Fat Boy (Asshole),” but it’s also the album that has resulted in countless barroom “conversations” with undeservedly confident, slobbery dudes who keep spitting in your face claiming the band is a one-hit wonder because “Push th’ Little Daisies” was on Beavis and Butt-Head.
Lots of Ween fans place this album last, but it’s the origin of one of the best Ween songs in existence: the reflective “Friends” which emerges from its chrysalis as a VapoRubby party anthem (remixed by DJ Voodoo) on the separate EP of the same name. “Your Party” is an anthem for a different kind of party boasting tri-colored pasta and succulent juices from quality meat.
This is #8 but what a #8 it is! “Fluffy,” “You Were the Fool”, “Mister Richard Smoker.” There ain’t a bad song on this ode to country album and can be used effectively as a conversation starter with your Aunt Amy who’s a diehard country fan, even if she wasn’t too keen on all the cussin’.
“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” is required listening for New Jersey natives and transplants alike. “Dr. Rock” is a must for medical professionals and people named Derek. It’s also got the Leonard Cohen-inspired cover with Mean Ween wearing a so-called Scotchgard™ powered gas mask bong which was really funny until my carpets went to shit. Hey, RIP Leonard Cohen.
Ween has a bunch of live albums but this one places ahead of Live at Stubb’s because it has a 26-minute live version of “Poopship Destroyer.” In the liner notes they share, “If we get the money someday, we want to get two big cannons that spray diarrhea on the crowd when we play this. We’ve been talking about it for years. just a thin mist that wafts over the crowd, sending you home with blown eardrums, smelling like shit.” If that’s not honorable then I don’t know what is.
The Mollusk might be the most Ween album of all albums. And yet here it is at #6. But that’s the beauty of Ween, it’s #6 today, but next month it’ll be #3 or #10. Keep mouthing off and we will take it off the rankings completely and pretend it never existed. You will be like “But I own the album” and I’ll punch you in the chest so hard your will fart out a wrapped Cadbury Egg. So get off my back, Jack.
It’s not an album as much as it’s a compilation of refugee songs. “Boys Club” is probably my favorite song of all time, even if the Bible was a song this would still be number one. Speaking of which, it’s got a song on it called “Israel.” It’s also got “Gabrielle,” and “Tastes Good on th’ Bun.” And of course “Big Fat Fuck” because it wouldn’t be a Ween album if there wasn’t some document of a morbidly obese jerkoff.
Quebec is beautiful like growing old with dignity while the love of your family washes over you, but with a darkness always jogging a few car lengths behind in the side-view mirror. When I first heard it I thought, man, someone is going through something on this. And now I identify with it more than ever because I know the value of a good primary care provider. My friend Miriam agrees so you can take it up with her too.
This album is a popular entry point because it’s arguably the most accessible, so it loses a point for that. Ween is an earned secret and how dare they create something that brings joy to a lot of people. It’s got all these dense popscapes (“Flutes of Chi” and “Exactly Where I’m At”) plus the biker-cranked “Stroker Ace” that pairs well with the pairing celebrated in “Bananas and Blow.”
I went fishing with Dean Ween once for Milky Manchester’s bachelor party so yeah, he’s kind of a friend. A friend I paid to hang out with me and my friends. Unsurprisingly, he was very cool and shared lots of great stories, and I think we’ve been really tight ever since.
Just like these two foods together, this album is a party in your mouth and a party in your ears. It’s the perfect cocktail of sick and silly and you never lose sight of the fact that these guys love playing the music they create and respect music like it’s, uh, I don’t know, something that makes people’s days (and nights) better.
