NEW YORK — Local stoner Remy Clayton finally decided on the perfect living location within Roku City after an hour or so of staring, hungry sources report.
“You know the three-floor brownstone in the purple section of Roku City next to the haunted house? That’s the spot. Just imagine how fun it would be around Halloween,” said Clayton while using Visine drops. “I considered the bowling alley, but it’s loud, and I like keeping my shoes on. Trying to get a down payment together for a mortgage has been a bummer. My deadbeat dad won’t even help me at all. He keeps saying ‘it’s just a fucking picture on the TV, it’s not a real place. Why can’t you be more like your brother? He actually has a job and a real house.’”
Clayton’s father confirmed that his 32-year-old son has lived in his furnished basement for ten years.
“This little prick has been living down there rent-free since May 2013, after he graduated from college. I wanted to put a bar down there, and one of those little putting greens, but he’s down there stinking up the joint. All he does is watch that Cuckoo City video game and smoke marijuana cigarettes,” recalled the elder Mr. Clayton. “I’ve gone down there to tell him he really needs to get out of the house sometime, but he never listens. He just calls me ‘man’ and tells me to ‘stop blocking his view.’ ”
Marisa Boyd of Rocket Mortgage spoke regarding her recent phone conversation with the younger Clayton.
“He inquired about loans I’d recommend to first-time home buyers. I suggested a 15-year fixed loan,” said Boyd. “Then he rambled on and on about an active volcano erupting near the property, something about King Kong, and then had a coughing fit. That’s when I understood that he was talking about Roku City, like, the screensaver from the streaming device thing. I stressed that since the property is imaginary, we could not process his application. I wasted six hours of time on this guy when I could have been working with an actual client, I hate these dorks.”
At press time, both Clatyons were seen leaving the house together to go to a real-life bowling alley, though Remy secretly downloaded the Roku app onto his iPhone without knowing his “future home” wouldn’t exist on mobile.