We Asked AI To Make a Tom Waits Song and It’s Six Minutes of Skeleton Bones Falling Into a Pile

Posted on by Bob Kerr

We’ve listened to a lot of AI-generated songs in our time, and let’s be honest, it’s been laughably bad. To think, we’ve been so worried about AI taking over music! “Ha ha!” We chortled, mocking dumb ol’ AI.

Well, now we’re not laughing, because we asked AI to make up a Tom Waits song and it gave us a six-minute track of skeleton bones falling into a pile. It was so convincing, it made our actual human flesh curdle.

As we continued listening to the melodic clatter of human remains falling on top of more human remains, our boss barged in: “Why the hell are you playing Swordfishtrombones right now? It’s not even noon!” We told him that it was actually AI. “You’re fucking with me.” I slowly showed him my laptop.

His face went pale. “That’s it, then. They’ve done it. This is the beginning of the end.” The hollow click-clack of a skull tumbling over a ribcage punctuated his point.

Just then, we heard a loud clang of a metal trash can falling over in the alleyway. I went to investigate and realized we don’t have a trash can in the alleyway. My blood ran cold. It was the AI-Tom Waits song.

Our intern walked in and started singing: “The Earth died screaming, as I lay dreaming!” Our boss punched him in the mouth.

We heard a frightening mewling of a cat in heat. AI Tom Waits. Chains being dragged across more chains. AI Tom Waits. The sound of a circus tent being erected. AI Tom Waits. Some of us had to leave the room to trauma-vomit.

That night, I went home and curled up in bed. Music was dead. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t know how. So I asked AI to make a lullaby in the style of Bjork. It started playing seagulls screeching inside a kaleidoscope.

That’s the stuff.

Bruce Springsteen’s Grandkids Exhausted After Lullaby Last Four Hours, Two Encores

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

COLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them believe in the power of rock and roll but also just want to fucking sleep, confirmed sources.

“I love Grandpa, even though he makes us call him The Boss,” Wendy Springsteen, 7, said while yawning heavily. “He has all these funny stories about growing up in something called ‘The Working Class’ and hanging out with magic rats, but I really hate it when he sings us to bed. Me and my sister Mary and my brother ‘69 Chevy been wanting to sleep for hours now and he brought in some guy who he says is the nephew of a guy who used to play saxophone for him and now there’s another 20 minutes of solos.”

Springsteen himself was ready to keep going between lullaby encores.

“These kids are in for a show,” Springsteen said. “A number like ‘Itsy Bitsy [Spider]’ can’t be summed up in a 15 or 40 minute performance, you know? When people or my own grandchildren sign up for a Springsteen show, they know they’re getting an experience that they’ll remember for a lifetime and I can’t let them down. If I only did one encore during this lullaby, what’s next? A 15-minute set at my nephew’s bris? A half-assed Tom Waits cover during my neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s junior high school graduation? Rock and roll doesn’t die, no matter how sleepy someone is.”

Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that the tendency of legacy rockers like Springsteen to keep their progeny up at night is indicative of a troubling trend.

“It is typical for musicians like Mr. Springsteen to feel like they need to perform for hours for paying customers,” said Carter. “And that can bleed over to lullabies, voicemails, even takeout orders. Pearl Jam has been known to do six hour sets to commemorate savings time and Red Hot Chili Peppers once spent two and a half days going ‘ring a ding dingy dang’ when Flea’s niece won a spelling bee. In other words, musicians need to get a fucking grip.”

As of press time, Springsteen’s grandchildren burst into tears as he interrupted a lullaby to introduce a guest performance of “Rock-a-bye-Baby in the Free World” by Neil Young.

Crushing Blow Dealt to Oligarchy as Local Man Creates Bluesky Account

Posted on by Trevor Graham

DULUTH, Minn. — The massive tech billionaire-run oligarchy suffered a devastating blow today as local account coordinator and frisbee golf enthusiast, Michael Murray, created an account on the new social media platform Bluesky, sources who are not even sure where reality ends and nightmares begin anymore confirmed.

“I don’t really want to brag, but yeah, I am proud of myself for doing my part to take down these tech oligarchs who run all of our lives,” said a satisfied Murray. “It’s not every day you get the chance to take on the ruling class and it can be scary to make a change but sometimes you gotta step up and do the right thing. The next thing I had to do after taking a stand is spreading the word so I’ve been posting on Instagram about it all day. The people need to know it’s time to unite and fight back!”

Some who work for Bluesky say that while they certainly appreciate the number of recent new users they do not seem to share the same ideology as to what is fueling the uptick.

“Yes, we are absolutely thrilled that people like Mr. Murray and so many others have recently joined our platform and we look forward to continued growth in market share which Meta and X currently dominate,” said Bluesky executive Dan Smith. “And we will of course continue to be an ad-free, pro-free-speech platform until such time that we want to actually start making money. With the goal of course getting to a Zuckerbergian-level of megalomaniacal billionaire supervillain. That’s the dream we, and everyone who gets into this business, are hoping to achieve.”

Social media historian Kelsey Lambert says that Bluesky currently acquiring large numbers of naive activists is something the industry has seen many times before.

“First of all, can you please not laugh every time I say I am a social media historian? It is a real job. And secondly, the trajectory we are seeing Bluesky on is very similar to other smaller platforms which also ostensibly started with more philanthropic intentions such as Snapchat, TikTok, and even Google Plus,” said Lambert. “The perception of an SM company going from an underdog app for the people to an omniscient Orwellian nightmare happens around the time it actually starts to make a profit. We’ve seen it time and again in the field of social media history. Again, please don’t laugh.”

At press time, Murray said he was going to see the end of the climate crisis by starting to do Meatless Mondays.

If This Applebees Didn’t Want Patrons Hurled Across the Bar, Then They Shouldn’t Have Put “I’m Shipping up to Boston” on Their Touchtunes

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Look, I know I’m not perfect. Me and my boys, we got a reputation for getting a little riled up at times. Maybe we could stand to work on that. But at the end of the day, I can’t change who l am. I’m an Irish catholic gym rat named Mark—one of thousands living in this city—and if Applebees didn’t want all that smoke, then they shouldn’t have Dropkick Murphys’ “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” on their touchtunes.

It all started when I went out looking for some green Michelob Ultra to celebrate St Paddy’s. (Normally, I’d go for a Guinness, but I’m doing a cut right now.) The Applebees was the only place in the area that had what I needed, so since it wasn’t an authentic Irish pub, I took it upon myself to make it feel like one, right?

So I sat down at the u-shaped bar, yeah, and the bartender gave me the lowdown. She gave me a menu and told me about TouchTunes, an app that works like a virtual jukebox. I downloaded the app, and it was wicked easy to find what I was looking for. I mean, there was no Pantera or Trapt on there, which was a red flag, I guess, but there was plenty to choose from that fit the St. Paddy’s theme.

I paid my $1.99, and Applebees took my $1.99, so I should have been able to do what I want with it, right? Plus, I ordered round after round of tater tots and green beer, shouldn’t that count for something? But here I am, sitting on the sidewalk, talking to Boston’s finest. All this because a man was allegedly thrown behind the bar counter, allegedly damaging the entire supply of Tito’s vodka and 2 TVs on Paddy’s weekend. TVs that were showing the Celts game and Boondook Saints, respectively, l might add.

Anyway, so Dropkick plays because I paid an ADDITIONAL $1.99 to skip the line, and my memory’s a little fuzzy from here on, but words were exchanged and honor demanded that another man be lifted bodily and hurled across the bar Roadhouse-style. The bartender called the authorities, and that’s how I ended up here on the sidewalk talking to you fine folks.

By the way, have you seen my thin blue line punisher tattoo? It’s not just a look, it’s a lifestyle. Nothing but respect for my boys in uniform. So you don’t need to keep reminding me that I have the right to remain silent with increasing force. You don’t need to be here at all!

The real enemy here, I think you’ll agree, is this establishment. They dished it out, but they couldn’t take it. Should have called the woke police, am I right? I’ll just be on my way, and I’ll see you all at mass tomorrow.

“These Aren’t Your Dad’s Skinny Jeans” Claims Advertisement That Doesn’t Know What the Fuck It’s Talking About

Posted on by Tim Mehew

NEW YORK — Local ad agency Brunch Menu launched a new advertising campaign that simply read, “These aren’t your dad’s skinny jeans,” confusing every onlooker who was unfortunate to be within eyesight of it, confirmed sources who were less inclined to buy the product after seeing it.

“Skinny jeans are back and they’re not for people who listened to indie sleaze or emo in the mid-2000s who now have three kids and an unsettling inability to change with the times,” said Senior Marketing Coordinator Brad Dudley. “No! You and all your very youthful friends can bask in the unaccommodating rigidity of this new line of skinny jeans from the up-and-coming brand Tarred and Feathered. Sure, your dad might think they’re kind of neat, but we assure you, he is a nerd. His wants, needs, and opinions must be vanquished. Also, it’s not easy to come up with flashy ads nowadays. Unfortunately, we as an industry will never be able to replicate a Jake From State Farm or Geico gecko. Let us have this one.”

Those who noticed the ad didn’t quite understand what it was going for.

“I expect better from an advertisement on the subway platform,” said 19-year-old Lou Dawson. “I mean, I have no idea what they’re trying to convey here. For one, my dad evidently wore JNCOs back in the day, not skinny jeans, and I would kill to own a pair of them. Plus, my dad listens to Alice in Chains, Deftones, and Korn, so he rules. Dad is the best. I exclusively buy pants that my father would’ve worn in the late ‘90s. The bigger, the better. Nice try, advertisement. I find it alarming when an ad aims to separate me from my family.”

Experts noted an unnerving trend in current marketing strategies.

“Ad agencies have been struggling in recent years to get their intended audience to buy the products they’re promoting,” said analyst Dane Brunell. “So they’ve been trying to get more aggressive and downright vicious at times. Anthropologie recently put out an ad that read, ‘These mom jeans ain’t your mom’s jeans. Fuck that bitch.’ Then there was Urban Outfitters whose ad just said, ‘All 38-year-olds must die and go to Hell.’ It wasn’t even promoting a specific product or anything. Dire times we live in.”

At press time, Brunch Menu doubled down on the campaign by putting out a second confusing ad that read, “These aren’t your grandfather’s carabiner keychains.”

Noise Festival Sponsored by Harbor Freight Tools and Excedrin

Posted on by Chris Bowen

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local noise festival Thwack Fest announced it would be partnering with their sponsors Harbor Freight and Excedrin to give festivalgoers a weekend they wish they could forget, confirmed sources who could use a pain reliever now that you mention it.

“We couldn’t get Home Depot or Advil on such short notice, which was our first choice, but overall we are happy in the end,” said festival organizer Chase Bradshaw with his fingers in his ears to muffle the sounds of a performer using a buzzsaw over high-pitched electronic feedback. “Tylenol initially approached us about being a sponsor, but I’m sorry, we as the preeminent noise festival just will not stand for an inferior product that’s a placebo at best. Anyway, Excedrin was generous enough to provide us with free samples, which pairs well with the $11 bottles of Aquafina we will sell. Plus, there will be a booth where you can try out Harbor Freight tools to see if they will work as instruments in your noise band. And hey, if you do any construction work and have chronic back pain, even better. Most noise fans typically do.”

Fans in attendance couldn’t help but notice the sponsors.

“The enormous Monster Energy-like banners for Excedrin behind every band on stage and their mascot that was an anthropomorphic pill with the letter ‘E’ on it were a little excessive, but once you tuned it out it was a pretty sick show,” said festival attendee Clay Holmstead. “Either way, the live demonstrations of safe jackhammer and circular saw usage in between sets really added to the ambiance. Plus, I saved 20% on a cordless hedge trimmer. Sure, I don’t have a yard, but it’s really going to do wonders on the noise demo I’m working on.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances for outdoor concert series.

“Festivals are always looking for brands that target a specific fanbase to sponsor their events,” said music historian Sam Eldridge. “Shoegaze festivals are usually subsidized by Dyson, Eureka, and Hoover vacuum cleaner brands for their whirring sounds. Goth fests are typically sponsored by local funeral homes, headstone manufacturers, and exotic crow breeders. And nu metal events get funded by Coors Light, chain wallet brands, and bail bond agencies. See? Music festivals are a perfect way to advertise your product.”

At press time, noise fans at the festival once again mistook the sounds of a belt sander and leaf blower at the Harbor Freight booth for their favorite band.

Opinion: I’m in a Good Place Today, I Bet I Can Handle Googling Gene Hackman Death + Details

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, it’s been a long and particularly depressing winter, and it started to feel like it would never end, but wouldn’t you know it, spring has sprung. Between the lack of sunlight and the hellfire of world events lately, I got pretty down in the dumps, but now I’m back to getting my steps in, making healthier meal choices, hell I’ve even started meditating. Yes sir, for the first time in a long time, I am mentally in a good place. In fact, I’m so well-balanced, I bet I can google the details of Gene Hackman’s death without spiraling.

As a lifelong movie fan, I was of course saddened by the news that Gene Hackman had been found dead along with his wife and dog at their home last month. I tried to remind myself that he was 95 years old, lived an accomplished life, and that dying on your sleep of carbon monoxide poisoning, while tragic, is a relatively peaceful way to go. Then, when reports started coming in that the deaths were not as simple as that, I decided that for mental health reasons, I would not look into the story further. Well, you know what? I think I’m ready.

How bad could it be? It’s not like they were all beheaded or something; I definitely would have heard about that. I’m so stable that I’m back to checking the news every day. If I can handle witnessing the decline of America first-hand, I don’t think the details of one little celebrity’s demise, however macabre they may be, are going to rock my applecart. What’s the worst that could happen?

Okay, worst-case scenario, I suppose if the story is particularly gut-wrenching, and given the fact that Hackman was an actor whose work I have something of an emotional attachment to, maybe, and it’s a long shot mind you but maybe, looking into it would open some sort of depressive floodgate inside of me and, coupled with the worrisome state of the world today, cause me to spiral into oblivion, but that seems highly unlikely. Besides, what’s life without a little risk?! Okay, here I go!

Oh wow, she was like 30 years younger than him, huh? Yeah, okay, that’s a bummer, still had a lot of life left to live I suppose. Well, what are you gonna do?

Oh, Hackman had dementia pretty bad huh? Guess she was basically his caregiver. Well, I’m not gonna lie, that’s depressing, but hey, such is life. Wait, how did she die?

A mouse bite?! She died of hantavirus contracted by a mouse bite?! Fuck, that can happen! God, life is so random and cruel. Wait, if she died from a mouse bite how did he…

THREE DAYS! He just wandered around the house confused for three days until his heart stopped?! Just aimlessly puttering around, maybe thinking he’s Lex Luthor or Poppey Doyle or the guy from “Nightmoves” and discovering his dead wife’s body over and over?! That’s hell! That is literally a state of hell! Well, what about the dog?

You know what? I’m done. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my bedroom with the blinds closed, re-downloading a bunch of fast food delivery apps.

New Conspiracy Theory Suggests Neil Armstrong Faked Orgasm During Moon Landing

Posted on by Matt Husser

HOUSTON — Conspiracy theorist Giovanni Holland took to YouTube today to reveal a new theory alleging Neil Armstrong faked his infamous orgasm during the 1969 Apollo Moon Landing, sources confirmed.

“The story that the deep state has been feeding us for years claims that Neil Armstrong’s first orgasm on the moon wasn’t just one small nut for man, but one giant skeet for all mankind—But what if I told you that I have smoking gun evidence that proves that while the Eagle landed, Neil Armstrong’s meat rocket never actually achieved liftoff?” said Holland, teasing his new YouTube series The Moonshot Deception. “Listen to the calm timbre of Armstrong’s voice, does that sound like the orgasmic excitement of the first man to jizz on an alien world?”

NASA scientist Gunther Schwartz called the conspiracy theory “ludicrous” after personally witnessing Armstrong ejaculate vigorously during training.

“The idea that Neil Armstrong would endure seven years of astronaut training, travel 240,000 miles and get as close to God as any human being has ever been just to fake an orbit-altering orgasm is patently absurd,” said Schwartz, looking at a framed, autographed tissue. “In fact, I myself was present to witness Armstrong reach climax hundreds of times in the flight simulator. Just because he wasn’t howling like a dog in heat like Buzz Aldrin doesn’t mean that he didn’t have a perfectly dignified orgasm appropriate for the historic occasion.”

Fellow Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin was reportedly furious that someone would question the veracity of his co-astronaut’s orgasm upon landing on the moon.

“If I ever meet this Holland character I’ll punch that son of a bitch in the mouth, cause I got a real problem with these peckerwoods claiming they know what happened up there when we all know damn well they couldn’t even get it up with 5Gs of gravitational force pressing down on their flaccid little chubs,” said Aldrin during a fiery rant. “Now did Michael Collins pop his champagne cork a little early? Sure, but what mortal man wouldn’t when gently caressing the supple curves of that goddess Luna at 9,300 feet per second?”

Holland’s next documentary, The Warren Cummission, alleges a new JFK conspiracy claiming there was no shooter on the Grassy Hole.

Study Shows Birthrate Decline Linked to Prevalence of Other People’s Children at Breweries

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — A recent study from the University of Richmond revealed a startling link between the declining U.S. birth rate and the increase in other people’s children at breweries.

“There’s little doubt that Americans are increasingly delaying or forgoing parenthood,” explained lead researcher and craft beer enthusiast Susan Morgan. “But the question is always, ‘why?’ We developed a standardized questionnaire that could be administered at local establishments. And let’s just say Richmond proved to be very fertile ground for our research. We found that the majority of both undecided adults and those planning to start families were personally against procreation after spending the equivalent of just 20 minutes at a local brewery, cidery, or distillery. Something about the sound of crying babies when you’re trying to get day drunk while sitting around a barrel playing Uno with friends turns people off to parenthood.”

There was a notable gender split, where 86% of women surveyed decided against parenthood solely due to brewery experiences, while only half of men did.

“Fathers are probably more likely to view taking a child to a brewery as a bonding experience, albeit an indirect one,” speculated study co-author Gwen Ware. “Women often consider the practical aspects of child-rearing, like gestation, ensuring a child survives into adulthood, or the ability to take your toddler in public without it screaming directly into the ears of strangers, whereas previous research suggests men are more likely to compartmentalize. In other words, integrating a child into things they already like to do probably sounds ‘really cool’ to a dad, as long as they don’t really have to do any of the heavy lifting.”

Brewery employee James Parker seemed to confirm the findings.

“Honestly, the kids sometimes suck, but the adults who are supposed to watch them are worse,” said Parker while mopping a spill made by a patron of unspecified age. “Either way, after one week of working here, I got a vasectomy and deleted my Hinge account. There’s just no way I want to accidentally father one of these things. On top of that, don’t get me started on the beloved ‘small business owner’ who pays us shit and actively union busts.”

At press time, Dr. Morgan conducted a follow-up study revealing a link between dogs at breweries and people suddenly having an urge to adopt a Golden Retriever.

Opinion: I Should Get HomeGoods Rewards Points for the Stuff I Shoplift From There as Well

Posted on by James Knapp

Corporate credit rewards policy in this country has gone straight to hell. And HomeGoods is the most corporate credit hell of them all. Frankly I don’t even know why I got this rewards card in the first place if those greedy capitalists won’t honor all the points I earned on stuff I managed to sneak past the security sensors.

I’m not gonna lie. A not insignificant amount of my income is dependent on the rewards points I get from various, chain, economy bullshit stores, like the Gap or Fuddruckers. But HomeGoods, man, those guys will just not give me my due no matter how much shit I steal from them.

It’s not even like it’s a matter of if I’m self-reporting my thieving accurately. All those cashiers see this very big coat I’m wearing and know exactly how many Belgian waffle makers are missing from the inventory. Give me my points you cheap bastards!

I even had a system all worked out. For every dollar worth of stuff that I steal that means one trillionth of a dollar I get back in store credit for food processors that break easily. Then I trade those trillionths back to the store in a loophole that I haven’t found yet in the store’s rewards policy — that’s the part I’m still working on.

Though I admit it hasn’t quite worked out the way I planned so far, once it finally does I’ll actually be able to pay back my bookie enough to keep what’s left of one of my knees.

Honestly, I stole from HomeGoods every single day last year and still somehow ended up eighty grand in the hole. But that’s just an example of why this store’s extremely corporate-sided policy needs to change.

So for now, I guess I’ll just keep making free with bargain-priced condiments and discontinued, carcinogenic Bluetooth speakers the old-fashioned way until those capitalist jerks acknowledge my right to free stuff earned with rewards points instead.