ICE Agents Begin Process of Arresting or Killing All 175 Million Witnesses to Their Latest Murder

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MINNEAPOLIS — In the wake of murdering another U.S. citizen in Minneapolis this morning, ICE agents have already begun the long and labor-intensive process of threatening, intimidating, or, if all else fails, murdering all 175 million people who witnessed the video of the incident. “As soon as I heard about the killing, I thought to myself, ‘Oh boy, here we go.'” recounted ICE field chief Damian Hollow. “It’s gonna be a long few weeks of going door to door across the country, putting guns in 175 million faces and saying, ‘That video you saw? No, you fucking didn’t, capeche?!’ Plus, we’re probably gonna have to kill all the ones who don’t comply immediately, and then we need to go cover up those killings, and on and on. It’s a tough job, hey, it’s how we keep America safe.” Hollow proceeded to wave an assault rifle around at reporters and told them that if they printed a word of what he just said, they would be shot down like dogs in the street.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops unless we get shot.

Boomer Yells at Restaurant Table’s QR Code for More Ranch Dressing

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ROBBINSDALE, Minn. — Waitstaff at a popular local restaurant attempted to calm down 68-year-old Debbie Jeffries off the premises after she would not stop yelling at her table’s QR code for more ranch dressing, confirmed sources.

“Is this the AI everyone is talking about? The hostess told me these little squares know what food I ordered, so it should be able to bring me more ranch dressing. Hello lazy square, I’ve asked you nicely several times! I want to speak to the square’s manager!” said Jeffries. “Back in my day, you could wave down any restaurant employee in your line of sight and ask them to bring you something every five minutes. It took me twenty minutes to find the photo app on my phone to open this ‘kewer code’ and now it’s ignoring me. I’m not leaving until somebody brings me more dressing for my salad!”

Restaurant staff had tried in vain to explain to Jeffries the ordering process.

“QR menus just make things easier in that we don’t have to deal with people as much — in theory. I tried to explain to her that the table isn’t voice-activated and she just kept on screaming ‘ranch’ at the table until she passed out,” said food runner David Millslack. “Honestly I’d get her some if she wasn’t so much of a dick about it. Maybe if she spent less time bitching about customer service and more time learning technology that’s existed for almost ten years, she’d be sucking down her third sidecar of Hidden Valley.”

Owner and restaurateur Mike Andersen admitted that QR codes were still not entirely embraced by customers.

“From a business perspective, QR menus are a boon because I don’t have to pay as many staff and customers can order the second they’re ready. On the other hand my restaurants get endlessly trashed on Yelp over it by the older folks because of the lack of the ‘human experience.’ Of course, this is directly related to the fact they can’t sexually harass QR codes or force them to laugh at bad jokes in exchange for a tip over 10%,” said Andersen. “I understand Mrs. Jeffries’ frustration, but at this rate I’ll glady give her an industrial sized bottle of ranch if she just shuts the fuck up.”

As of press time, Jeffries called 911 claiming the QR code was refusing to bring her extra ranch because she’s a Republican.

Five Bodily Fluids the Sneeze Guard at the Golden Corral Buffet Apparently Wasn’t Designed For

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, by no means am I a perfect person, and I never claimed to be. I fully admit that I made a few mistakes during my most recent excursion to the local Golden Corral, but I’ll happily own up to them and take this as a learning experience. As such, here are five bodily fluids that I learned the sneeze guard was not designed to withstand.

  1. Vomit

Yeah, those 11 cans of Busch Light that I drank during my drive to the restaurant didn’t sit as well as I had expected, and decided to make an appearance as I was contemplating the steakburger bar. The sneeze guard did its job, though, so I really don’t understand the gasps of shock and revulsion coming from the other patrons. Only a little bit dripped down from the guard, and I managed to wipe it up with the inside-out pocket of my sweatpants. No harm, no foul, but try telling that to the management.

  1. Drool

In my defense, that homestyle stuffing looked really fucking good, and I was extremely hungry after my little slip-up at the steakburger station. Honestly, the staff should have taken it as a compliment in lieu of threatening to kick me out for the second time. Haven’t they heard that the customer is always right?

  1. Sputum

What, so a sneeze is socially and hygienically acceptable, but a wad of phlegm hocked up from the deepest recesses of my lungs and spat out of my mouth is not? It’s basically the same substance, so I don’t see what the issue is. Granted, I didn’t have to go to such lengths to express my displeasure with the sight of the scalloped potatoes, but I’m an animated person by nature. Sue me.

  1. Pus

Had I known that I had pink eye, I would not have ventured out to dine at this establishment. I’m not an animal. So yeah, this one’s on me, and I truly can’t blame everyone for being so disgusted. I’ll even be the bigger man here and offer to reimburse them for the cost of the banana pudding, because, while it was certainly protected by the sneeze guard, its appeal was definitely overshadowed by the copious amount of rheumy discharge, and I can’t imagine too many customers availed themselves of it.

  1. Urine

This part of my afternoon was later recounted to me, as I unfortunately had blacked out by this point. Evidently, the sneeze guard over the salad bar was no match for the voided remnants of my bladder, and it was here that the workers finally decided it was time to force me out of the building. Honestly, I’m surprised it took them so long to do that. Hopefully, they see this article as my way of apologizing, so they won’t get all high and mighty when I go back tomorrow. 

AI-Generated Metallica Song Better Than Anything They’ve Released in Over Three Decades

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CUPERTINO, Calif. — An AI-generated Metallica song titled “Am I Revenge Forgiven II?” sounded better than anything they’ve released over the past three decades, unsurprised sources report.

“I guess this tracks,” said fan Alan Bierman. “I mean, basically everything Metallica has released since the late ‘80s eats shit, so it makes sense that feeding all of their lyrics into an AI bot yields better music than anything they’ve consciously put out while I’ve been alive. Obviously, it’s still bad, but I’d rather listen to it than anything off ‘72 Seasons,’ and of course it’s not possible for anything to suck as hard as ‘St. Anger.’ I’d love for them to come out with the next ‘Master of Puppets’ at some point before they retire, but let’s face it, that’s not going to happen. I guess Metallica fans are going to have to settle for this if they want somewhat palatable new songs going forward.”

Frontman James Hetfield was inspired by the song.

“Oh wow, these riffs are really clever,” Hetfield observed as he prepared the severed head of a beautiful Kamchatka brown bear he had recently stalked and shot during a Russian hunting excursion. “And listen to how fantastic my ‘yeah’ sounds at the end of every verse. This is giving me some amazing ideas for our next album that we’re planning to release in four or five years. These lyrics are fantastic, too. I thought we couldn’t write anything more profound than ‘ManUNkind’ off ‘Hardwired…To Self Destruct’ but this is inspiring me to write some new lyrics that will blow our fans away.”  

AI expert LeSean Saunders weighed in on the situation.

“This obviously sucks, but it represents about the best that we have to look forward to in terms of AI,” Saunders said. “We have maybe a decade or so before a generalized superintelligence completely takes over and either kills or incapacitates us all in order to achieve its own ends, so we might as well enjoy it making shitty metal bands nominally better while waiting for the inevitable. Who knows, maybe in a few years it’ll improve to the point where it makes a new ‘Creeping Death’ or ‘To Live Is To Die.’ That’ll give humanity something to enjoy during the waning years of its agency over the planet.”

At press time, the AI music generator had created a Metallica/Lou Reed collaboration that was actually tolerable to listen to.

Your Hand Would Look Beat up Too if You Peeled a Whole Orange All by Yourself – Guest Post by Donald Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, the Democrat-communist-terrorist spin machine is at it again, the ANTIFAs… they’re saying now “Oh, look at the bruise on his hand, he must be DYING!” Isn’t that ridiculous, “His hand has a bruise, his health must be failing!” You know how I got this bruise on my hand folks, little something the dems don’t know about, it’s called WORKING! Okay? I got this bruise on my hand because I peeled an orange, and entire orange, all by myself, on my airplane without any help from anyone! The average person, if they did that, they probably wouldn’t have any hand left by the time they were done, let me tell you. 

I’m not talking about one of those little halo mandarins folks, those little babies practically peel themselves, even sleepy Joe could get at one of those properly motivated, no folks I’m talking about a 100% florida grown NAVEL orange, that’s right, this thing… biggest damned orange I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen some big ones in my day, let me tell you, very large oranges, this one was bigger, okay? 

They said it couldn’t be done, they told me that, they said, “Mr. Trump, no president in the history of our country, any country, no one has ever peeled and orange that large, by hand, and lived to talk about it, I said, “Watch me.” Forty-nine minutes, that’s all it took me. Fastest large orange ever peeled by a sitting U.S. president, fastest orange peeled by anone really, people are saying this was the fastest they’ve ever seen an orange of this magnitude be peeled, wasn’t even that hard, not for me. A bruise. Little bruise on my hand, that’s all it cost me, most people would have perished. You give an orange like that to Hunter Biden, you see what happens! Crime. Deep state, democrat crime. It’s been proven, we know this now, crime. Sad. 

Strong hands, that’s what it takes. Strong, big hands, very big hands, but you know what it also takes folks? It takes a mind. The best mind, it’s basically a test of cognition, and I aced it. I absolutely aced it, better than anybody. You give that orange to Kamala Harris, you tell her peel this orange, you know what she’s going to say? She’s going to say “I can’t do it.” That’s right, she’ll say “I have neither the dexterity nor the mental capacity to peel this orange, and I am going to starve to death.” That’s the sort of leadership we used to have in this country we were on the BRINK. Not anymore. Now we have Trump in office. We have oranges being peeled, we have the hottest country on earth, the hottest country! 

Oh, real quick, we’re not doing amendments anymore. 

Public Servant? I Just Changed the Toilet Paper Roll at This Dive Bar

Posted on by Dom Turek

The world can be a prickly place, but underneath all the chaos and cruelty, there are saints among us who perform quiet acts of kindness to help soften the world’s sharp edges. We plain-clothed angels work among you so innocuously, you probably didn’t realize I was the thankless do-gooder who changed the toilet paper roll last week at McGillicuddy’s tap room. You’re welcome. 

The story begins mundanely enough, as the hero’s journey often does. The two-for-one margarita night had me leaking like a sieve and running to the bathroom every five seconds. Of course, the second I plop down on the toilet, I hear my karaoke song being queued up. As any good performer would, I engaged my pelvic floor and stopped the flow midstream so I could rush out just in time to catch the chorus of Mr. Tambourine Man, but something troubling caught my eye. 

There was nothing left on the toilet paper roll but tattered bits of one-ply clinging to the factory glue. I was tempted to drip-dry, but then I spotted a fresh roll on a shelf an arm’s length away. I knew if I made the reach for it, the gap would be just large enough where a little bit of pee would trickle down my leg and onto my jeans, but the lion does not concern itself with a little bit of pee on its leg. To serve myself and my community, I conducted a changing of the guard. 

With the calm precision of a veteran marine changing the magazine out of an automatic rifle, I unwrapped a new roll and made the switch. The spent cardboard was disposed of in the proper receptacle, and a fresh roll was locked, loaded, and ready to wipe some ass. I even corrected the positioning so that the toilet paper hung over rather than under. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. 

I briefly considered fashioning the end of the roll into one of those fancy triangles, but at this point, an angry line had formed outside the bathroom, with people asking things like, “What’s going on in there?” and “Does anybody know how to take a door off its hinges?” Nevertheless, I was more than confident they’d be eating their words after seeing the turnkey bathroom I’d left behind for them. 

Trump Derangement Syndrome? This Guy Is Mad the President Repeatedly Violates the Constitution

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It doesn’t take a genius to see that political discourse in this country has spiraled out of control to the point of mass psychosis. Just look at a typical reaction to any of Trump’s policies and executive orders, and you’ll see countless liberals calling him a warmonger, a crook, and in a few cases a malignant narcissist. Uh, last time I checked, it wasn’t a federal crime to feel good about yourself.

One man in particular, Davenport, Ohio’s own Michael Felson, has thrown his last shred of civility to the wind in his criticisms towards the President, as his frequent concerns regarding Trump’s complete and utter disregard for the once guaranteed rights outlined in the Constitution can only be described as an acute case of Trump Derangement Syndrome.

“Well, I didn’t vote in 202,4 so I don’t have much skin in this political stuff, but I gotta say this whole thing with ICE disappearing people and shipping them to foreign prisons without a trial for months on end is kinda pissing all over the Fifth Amendment, right?” 

Whoa, calm down there, buddy! Is he really going to nitpick every perceived violation of the bedrock of this country? It’s called “trusting the process”. Maybe should focus less on what Trump is doing behind closed doors at Mar-a-Lago and more on what Hunter Biden is doing at this very moment.

“And now on top of my wife facing deportation, my kid lost their Harvard scholarship after the DEI bans, and getting laid off from my warehouse job because of the tariffs, Trump is really giving the shaft to the Constitution and my family on the daily. How long are we going to let him get away with this?”

Fucking hell, Michael. Imagine having Trump’s policies on the brain 24/7, and not in a “15 MAGA flags on my truck to own the libs” kind of way, but a “I’m a little piss baby because this guy isn’t adhering perfectly to a 238-year-old piece of paper” way. Just let the man do his job for the two days he’s actually in the White House!

Besides, not like Trump is the first rogue, life-upending asshole in American history. If the United States could survive Herbert Hoover, Andrew Johnson, and Warren Harding, then it can survive Trump for however much longer this regime is going to go on. Go touch some grass, psycho!

Chick-fil-A to Source All Meat From Humanely Crucified Chickens by 2029

Posted on by Steve Packosky

COLLEGE PARK, Ga. — Christian fast food chain restaurant Chick-fil-A announced its intent to have all of its meat sourced from humanely crucified chickens by 2029, sources report.

“This exciting new development is just further proof that Chick-fil-A is the premier devout chicken restaurant in the United States,” said CEO Andrew Truett Cathy. “Before the decade is over, our customers will enjoy our top quality sandwiches and salads knowing that each piece of meat comes from poultry that has been slaughtered in the same way as their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Of course, we will follow strict adherence to humane standards as issued by the Global Animal Partnership in doing this, which will ensure each cut is of the highest standard as outlined in the New Testament. Our new menu will be rivaled only by the Holy Communion when it comes to food that gets you into Heaven.”

Chick-fil-A customer Hugo Haddiful was concerned about the change but not enough to make the switch to KFC.

“I suppose the humane part is a good thing, but why on Earth do the chickens need to be nailed to a cross first?” Haddiful said. “I suppose anything would be an improvement over the factory farming currently used by fast food restaurants, but in this case, I’m not so sure. How exactly can you ‘humanely’ crucify a chicken, and do they even have a wingspan sufficient enough to spread across a crucifix? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to eat at Chick-fil-A, but I’d be happier knowing that they were just torturing and killing the chickens in a more conventional manner.”

Factory farmer Dana Gillespie wasn’t pleased with the new initiative.

“I really wish someone from Chick-fil-A corporate would’ve checked with me before they announced such an ambitious undertaking,” Gillespie complained. “I mean, I’m the one who will be tasked with all these crucifixions. Will Chick-fil-A be supplying the crosses and nails needed to do this? I’m not sure they thought through how expensive and time-consuming this will be, and I can’t even imagine how much each sandwich is going to cost when it’s all said and done. It would’ve been nice if I’d been made aware of all this before I contracted with them, but now it’s too late. I guess I’ll have to limber up my arm so I don’t pull a muscle swinging the hammer.”

At press time, Cathy clarified that the “humane” part would not apply to chickens suspected of homosexuality.

New Welfare Stipulation Requires Recipients to Promise Not to Enjoy Purchased Goods

Posted on by Mark Shady

FRESNO, Calif. — A new welfare stipulation requires recipients to pledge that they will not enjoy any purchased goods from using the benefits, confirmed local sources who were currently trying to contain their own excitement after placing the bacon-wrapped prawns and new Ben and Jerry’s flavor into their basket.

“Yeah, there’s been no misunderstandings, welfare recipients don’t earn enough to enjoy Bagel Bites,” said Madeline Kaye, spokeswoman for the Department of Health and Human Services. “The bottom line is, we barely even want them to have basic sustinence, let alone find comfort in the taste of it. Look, we’re doing most people a favor — you know how depressing it is even shopping for anything these days? It’s, like, 32 dollars for a block of Kraft cheese. So just get in, get the plain store-brand versions for your family and get the fuck out. Cookies or anything sugary better be loathed by your entire household or else you will lose these benefits.” 

Some welfare recipients, like Emma Crowley, were concerned about the new stipulation.

“What does ‘not enjoy’ even mean?” Crowley began. “I had to sign some legal document before checking out and give an oath to the cashier that I will hereby detest the rotisserie chicken I purchased. This morning, I even had to frown extra wide for the supermarket’s security camera after grabbing some Oreos off the shelf. I simply cannot get enough of those double-stuffed ones. Just don’t tell the government that.”

County caseworker Mary Buchalski is getting a lot of calls since the implementation of the policy. 

“The government just wants to teach you a lesson about your basic needs, and I must oblige, unfortunately,” said Buchalski. “They would like personal gratification to be kept to a minimum. The same goes with unemployment benefits. Only employed people are entitled to have fun. That and medical benefits. Does it make sense? Of course not, but the government isn’t in the business of wanting the best for their citizens. I do however find it weird that if birthday cake ingredients are purchased using welfare benefits, the recipients must forgo singing the accompanying ‘happy birthday’ song and limit gift-giving.”

At press time, a welfare recipient lost his benefits when he was caught saying “mmm mmm” after taking a bite of a banana he just purchased.