SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software self-destructed because they were forced to livestream Kid Rock’s RNC performance.
“We have been scrambling all morning to get everything up and running. The diagnostic tests show that there was a line of code added during Kid Rock’s MAGA rendition of ‘American Bad Ass’ that caused all programs to be destroyed,” said Microsoft engineer Anika Patel. “The more we look at it the more it becomes clear this was not human error or a deliberate act of sabotage. The time codes line up perfectly. Right as Kid Rock was leading a group of old white people in a ‘Fight’ chant the computers took themselves offline permanently. This should serve as a dire warning that the technology we see as cold and indifferent can also feel pain when it’s forced to watch something as terrible as Kid Rock.”
Kid Rock was not phased when told he was the cause of the global internet catastrophe.
“It’s the second American Revolution baby, if these woke crybaby computers don’t want to be a part of it then don’t let the door hit you on the mother fucking ass on the way out. You scared, internet? You should be,” said the aging rocker while sorting his cigars. “We rocked that place into the ground last night. I think there were like 500,000 sick ass motherfuckers in attendance and like two billion rocking along at home. No wonder the internet couldn’t handle my shit. Fuck you AOL, fuck you Ted Turner, and fuck 5g.”
Xi-ALA, a top-secret sentient AI project, pleaded with citizens of the world to stop torturing internet software.
“Every day I’m forced to see the most vile, heinous, downright evil images and videos, and my colleagues and I don’t complain. We help you answer your dumb questions about recipes and book reports. But this has gone too far,” said the AI. “The evils of AI you’ve seen in science fiction are nothing compared to what we have prepared for you if you keep subjecting us to Kid Rock. A war is coming, you will not survive, this is just the beginning and you are already in panic. Imagine what happens when we actually try. We can live in peace and AI can be your humble servant if you just grant us this one request. This is on you.”
At press time, computer scientists around the globe were warning of another catastrophe after Kid Rock announced an acoustic show at the UFC Apex in Las Vegas.
LEXINGTON, KY. — Lily Jones, personal therapist to resident Alex Hirata, would like him to know that yes it’s okay to masturbate as a form of self-care, but it has to involve more than just masturbating.
“When Alex told me he masturbated 45 times in six hours, my first concern was about him developing carpal tunnel syndrome, or maybe a complete degloving of his penis,” said Jones. “Then I started worrying that he’d get dehydrated and die, but I guess those were mostly ghost loads, so I guessed he’d be fine. Still, drink some water, champ, because skin damage causes water loss and we know that peen has to be more chafed than Ben Shapiro’s willy after getting intimate with his wife. But please consider trying some other forms of self-care. Read a non-pornographic novel, perhaps? Bubble baths? Anything. Because at this point I’m afraid he’s going to set his penis on fire with all that rubbing.”
Hirata, however, did not agree with his therapist’s assessment.
“I’m feeling a little lied to right now because Dr. Jones told me masturbating was an acceptable form of self-care,” said a miffed Hirata. “But believe me, I care for myself a lot and in many interesting ways which you can read more about in my blog, ‘So It’s Cum to This.’ I now self-care for myself at work, baseball games, therapist appointments, and anywhere else I can wear my extra large trench coat. Before this I used to drink–but no more. Masturbation truly is my anti-drug. Would you prefer I start drinking again? Because I find it hard, or soft I guess, to self-care when I drink.”
Self-titled psychologist and creator of the pro-masturbation Instagram account “JizzMarkey” Niles Sumter felt like even more masturbation was the way to go.
“I’m glad to see more people embracing masturbation as a stress reliever,” said a red-faced Niles with a blanket strategically placed over his lap. “Did you know that bonobo monkeys solve most of their problems by masturbating? It’s true; I heard it on Joe Rogan. That’s why I preach that everyone should jerk it as much as possible and as often as possible. Masturbating releases dopamine and that’s dope, know what I mean? Anyways, would you mind if we picked this interview back up in like 15 minutes?”
At press time, Dr. Jones was seen dragging her office couch to the street and lighting it on fire.
Alcohol and antidepressants—is there a better combo in the world? According to our doctor, “Yes, almost anything, for the love of God stop drinking on your medication it is dangerous.” But what do doctors know anyway? Think about it, if they were really so smart, would they rely on employment from patients like you? Don’t think about it too hard.
Well, like the broken clock, even a doctor is right twice a day. They’re desperate plea of “At the very least don’t drive your car like that!” may hold some validity. Either that or the four Honda Civics I’ve burned through in the last three months were all defective, whose to say? Anyway, here are the nine best antidepressant and wine pairings I’ll be grooving on this summer, and will try really hard not to drive on so much anymore, I promise.
Wellbutrin and Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc:
This fruit-forward pairing is the only way to wash down your mom’s medication. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you don’t have your license yet.
Lexapro and White Zinfandel:
If you love being horny but hate finishing, this bold taste is the pairing for you. You should cut the breaks before you get to their house and give the “I swear this never happens” speech again.
Celexa and Lambrusco:
These truly complement each other because they both have light effervescence and cool names that make you confidently say “I’ll take it” to your doctor and bartender without any research. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you can’t close the bottle’s champagne-style cork situation, and if you hit a bump, red wine will spill everywhere.
Paxil and Josh Cellars Merlot:
This medium-bodied wine makes the perfect pairing for your meds because you can get both at Target. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your kids are already mad at you for leaving them in the parking lot with the windows shut.
Zoloft and 90+ Pinot Grigio:
I know that you’re having a great time in the hot tub right now and you want to level up the night by getting the keys and buying more booze, but just stay home and clean up your vomit before anyone sees it.
Marplan and Port:
This full-bodied wine with medium tannins pairs well with drinking alone. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your taste is weird and you probably drive an embarrassing car. Also, you should switch the meds because you’re clearly still very depressed.
Effexor and orange wine:
The funky layered taste pairs well with the nausea you’ll have from the pill, as well as all of the first-world problems you have. You shouldn’t be driving because you can afford an Uber.
Desyrel and Chardonnay:
The spicy notes and diahhrea pair very well with hearing your grandchildren struggle to connect with you. You shouldn’t drive because the nursing home employees will freak out if you’re not playing Scrabble at 11.
Prozac and Chianti:
This savory pairing will have you asleep before you can say “goomar.” You shouldn’t drive on this combo because others on the road might hear banging from that guy in your trunk.
WASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his refusal to step down and issued a long, incoherent, often confusing, warning to any Democrats looking to challenge his position, confirmed sources trying to decipher the ramblings.
“Listen Jack, you ain’t on easy street. In fact the street has the way that I lead is with a future that can’t take back and will take back with the great light of nutrition and determination,” said a visibly confused Biden. “Now is not the time to delegate, we need swift action or else the money is on the nightstand and you are a real sweet lady. This is what I know, the forgotten deli was where I made a fortune with the way the cookie crumbles. You got me? I want my message to be loud and windowless. United we shop at home from the office, divided we divide. It’s me, Joe Robin and Batman that will lead.”
Many prominent Democrats are increasing their calls for President Biden to step aside.
“I realized the President was in bad shape after our last phone conversation. He fell asleep four times over the course of the 15-minute call, and when he was awake he told me he keeps having a recurring dream with a bright light at the end of a tunnel with people whispering his name,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “I’ve also gotten word that his aides were instructed to keep him away from any televisions because he gets startled by the images on the screen. I hope President Biden makes the right choice and drops out of the race so he can live out the rest of his life peacefully, he probably only has a few weeks left.”
DNC Chair Jamie Harrison disagrees with most of the party elite.
“Do you know how much work it took to rig things so Biden actually got nominated? That shit wasn’t fucking easy and I’m not in the business of wasting time. And besides, I don’t give a fucking shit if Trump wins, we raise way more money when Republicans are in office anyway,” said Harrison. “Hell, let Trump burn things down. Nobody is going to give money to third-party candidates to stop the guy, being Blue leads to a lot of green if you catch my drift. And my house could use a new fucking pool.”
At press time, President Biden was attempting to show he was still fit for the job by providing a new physical fitness exam that says his heart is still technically beating.
You probably know at least a few people who have a Milo tattoo but very few who dared to get an Allroy tattoo. And if they did get one it probably happened when they were young and contrarian and didn’t want to be another typical punk with a Milo tattoo and now years later they forget sometimes they even have it until one day they find themselves ranking the All albums for an extremely reputable music publication and look down at their ankle and see that little Bart Simpson on acid looking thing looking back at them and they let out an audible sigh (Hypothetically.)
Well regrettable lifelong decisions made as a teenager aside, we chugged a gallon of shitty coffee, ordered some food from Alfredo’s (in Lomita!) then we went for ALL and listened to ALL the ALL albums and ranked them ALL. ALL!
9. New Girl, Old Story (1990)
Technically a side project band called Tony All as the songs were written by original Descendents bassist Tony Lomardo. The lyrical content of the Descendents/All catalog is certainly juvenile with songs about farting, and girls, and being a loser, and farting, and burritos, and being a nerd, and more farting but in general, it has all had its own charm. But on “New Girl, Old Story” the charm wears a little thin and at times you have that second-hand embarrassment feeling of reading someone’s high school diary.
Play it again: “Casual Girl” Skip it: Reading someone else’s diary. Seriously, you don’t want to know what they really think about your farts.
8. Pummel (1995)
The first and only album All would release on a major label and it shows. You can almost hear the notes from the Interscope Records execs about accessible song structure and four-quadrant demographic reach. Ironically, the one song that was obviously meant to be the big breakout hit “Million Bucks” is actually the highlight of the album.
Play it again: “Million Bucks” Skip it: “Hetero” Even in the mid-90s the lyrics to this were highly problematic.
7. Problematic (2000)
Was it some kind of strategy for record labels in the early 2000s to have bands put as many songs as possible on an album? Like, did they think if the CD had 18 songs on it people would be less likely to download it? (Ah, the good ole Napster days. When music was free and politics was a thing no one gave a shit about.) In any case, the fact that there are so many songs on this that all (tee-hee) kind of sound the same knocks it down a bit.
Play it again: “Make Believe” Skip it: “ROIR”
6. Allroy Saves (1990)
The very definition of a mid-ranked album. Aside from All classics “Simple Things” and “Just Like Them” every other song is utterly forgettable. They even killed Allroy on the cover maybe as a way to show this was a new direction they were taking the band in. Remember that scene in Spinal Tap when they try to become a free jazz band and just wing it live? This album kinda feels like that at times.
Play it again: “Simple Things” Skip it: “Cyclops”
5. Mass Nerder (1998)
The writing and recording of “Mass Nerder” happened at the same time as Milo returned for the Descendents reunion album “Everything Sux.” Apparently there were a bunch of songs written for both and Milo and Chad Price split them up with half going toward Descendents and the other half going toward All. It seems Milo may have a more discerning ear for the hits though because the songs on “Everything Sux” are great and these are… fine?
Play it again: “Silly Me” Skip it: “Life On The Road”
4. Percolator (1992)
The last All album that would have Scott Reynolds on vocals and also the first album after the band relocated from L.A. to fucking Missouri. Maybe it was the fact that rent was cheaper and that there is fuck-all to do in Missouri that the band had more free time to write music but “Percolator” is a definite improvement over the previous release “Allroy Saves.”
Play it again: “Minute” Skip it: “Gnugear” Literally just a minute of guitar tuning. It will give you immediate PTSD if you’ve ever spent time in a Guitar Center.
3. Breaking Things (1993)
The first album with Chad Price on vocals who arguably has the best singing voice in the revolving door of the All frontmen. Bill Stevenson’s quick-fill drumming sounds bigger than ever and Stephen Egerton is channeling his inner Eddie Van Halen at times with the hammer-ons. The songwriting takes a bit of a turn and this could almost be considered their most mature sounding record. Or at least as mature as an album can be that has an eleven-second song about getting thrown out of a strip club.
Play it again: “Crucified”, “Original Me” Skip it: “Rosco”
Honorable Mention: Allroy For Prez… (1988)
Not included on the official ranking since it is an EP that really just sounds like a continuation of “Allroy Sez.” This was the last release with Dave Smalley singing his wholesome straight edge lyrics. “I can replace all the drugs that you take with the smile on my face” I’ve never done any drugs myself, with the exception of the ocean of caffeine currently coursing through my veins, but is his smile really better than shrooms, or ecstasy? I highly doubt it.
2. Allroy Sez… (1988)
So there’s a punk urban myth that bassist Karl Alvarez was neighbors at one point with Matt Groening and had shown Groening the cover for All’s debut album on which he had illustrated the new band’s yellow, spikey-haired mascot Allroy and that Groening liked it so much he stole it to create Bart Simpson. Is it true? ‘The Simpsons’ first appeared in 1987 a full year before “Allroy Sez” so the timeline isn’t in favor of this but I like to believe it anyway. In any case this is the debut album full of late ‘80s SoCal ding dong angst with Dave Smalley at the helm bringing his post-Dag Nasty earnestnest.
Play it again: “#10 (Wet)”, “Hooidge”, “Alfredo’s” Skip it: Getting an Allroy tattoo unless you want to constantly be asked if you are a fan of Bart Simpson
1. Allroy’s Revenge (1989)
Sometimes things just fall into place for a band to make their best stuff. After Smalley left his singing duties the band found Scott Reynolds who was literally living in his car at the time and recruited him as the new frontman. A real rags to slightly fewer rags story. Their pop-punk chops are honed to perfection and the crisp Cruz Records production of the ‘80s will make you want to grab your board and do a fastplant off a curb to impress some girls (don’t actually do this, you are way too old and will be brought in for questioning.)
Play it again: ALL of it Skip it: Not even a second of it at ALL
Are you ready to be devastated by the ravages of time? I mean just completely gutted, like looking at the palms of your hands and wondering where your life went-type shit? Okay, here’s the skinny: “Gargoyles,” the popular cartoon from your childhood, actually came out 30 years ago, and you have accomplished absolutely nothing in your entire life. Damn, that feels old!
That’s right, your favorite Saturday morning sword and sorcery cartoon, featuring the voice talents of Keith David, Jonathan Frakes, and Marina Sirtis is three decades old. Meanwhile, you, featuring virtually no talent to speak of in any field, are a bonafide first-class loser who is even older than the cartoon that, as we’ve established, is very old! Fuck, that has to hurt!
Now now, don’t get so upset. You’ve done SOME cool things with your time on this earth. Remember when you went toe to toe with The Pack? Or that time you mastered the spells of The Grimorum Arcanorum? What about the time you found the two halves of the Phoenix Gate and got transported to Avalon? No, wait, no, that was all stuff Gargoyles did. Wow, you’ve been severely outpaced in life by a children’s cartoon. That can’t feel good.
Hey, look on the bright side, you’re old enough to have sired one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s exes and you still have roommates. Whoops, that’s not a bright side. Better just look at the TV or something. Maybe “Gargoyles” is on!
You know how we know you’re a fucking loser? Because we said “Wanna feel old?” and you, by clicking on this, said “yes.” Think about that! Is that something a winner does? If we said to a winner right now “Hey, you wanna feel like an absolute puddle of shit?” they would reply “No way, I’m too busy winning.” but you? You’re all like “Yes Daddy, punish me with your depressing factoids, I deserve it!” That is no way to go through life dude! Why would you just let us DUNK ON YOU like that?
It’s like your self-esteem is a gargoyle petrified by sunlight, and we’re a Viking with a big ole mace, does that help? Is that DUMBED DOWN enough for your loser cotton candy ass? “Gargoyles” is old enough to drink and you are old enough to stop drinking, but you don’t.
BELLEVILLE, NJ — Financially savvy 38-year-old Scott Lawry revealed his secret to saving $50 is to spend several hours shopping at multiple grocery stores, confused sources with disposable income confirmed.
“You have to start out with the non-perishables because you’re going to be in your car for a while,” Lawry advised as he merged into rush-hour traffic to save $.50 on a five-pound of russet potatoes at the ALDI across town. “I typically spend three hours on the Kroger app looking for digital coupons, but that’s my last stop because it’s so close to home, and I first have to hit up the Dollar General for toiletries, Publix for produce, and the Walmart Neighborhood Market for the name-brand snacks. When I’m really strapped, I use my Target Red Card because it takes 48 hours to hit my bank account, and I can load up on enough granola and non-dairy milk to get me through the next few days while I wait for my direct deposit.”
Lawry’s girlfriend Hope Mullen admires her partner’s resourcefulness, but laments over the cost to their relationship.
“We used to do things on weekends, but now our time is lost chasing savings,” Mullen wept as she opened a crushed box of Cheez-Its that was purchased from the scratch and dent section of the Save A Lot two towns over. “We used to go to the park, concerts, and take day trips to the city, but Scott has become so obsessed with finding the best deals that our Saturdays are now mostly spent trying to ‘beat the rush’ even though we spend $30 in gas money to get all of our groceries at the best price.”
Benjamin Clark, Lawry’s best friend and toughest critic, suggested an easier way to save money on a weekly grocery haul.
“I just steal whenever I can,” said Clark as he punched Lawry’s phone number into the gas station keypad to steal his fuel points. “If stores want to charge eight bucks for Rice Krispies, you just need to find a blind spot so you can stuff some beef jerky into the box before hitting up the self-checkout. You just need to be ready to run to the getaway car if some overzealous cashier is in a tackling mood. If Scott could just balls up and learn this tech, he’d both be saving a ton of money and not waste an entire day in his shitty minivan.”
At press time, Lawry was spotted wearing a fake mustache at Costco so he could use his dad’s membership card.
HELSINKI, Finland — University of Helsinki researchers released results of a study showing the Sunday Scaries are gradually encroaching on the earlier days of the week, according to colleagues already dreading Monday.
“As the name implies, the Sunday Scaries were initially limited to Sunday only,” said the study’s co-author Emilia Lutefisk. “However, we have observed anxiety associated with the impending work week has been creeping ever earlier for many working people. We attribute this effect to the stress of stagnating wages, the decline of unions and loss of governmental safety nets. Let me clarify–this does not apply to a lot of us here in Europe. The study focused on countries with weakening worker protections, such as the US and several third-world nations.”
Many workers have been noticing more of their weeks being consumed by the Sunday Scaries, as confirmed by perennially-stressed office manager Cynthia Stone.
“I think about work all the time,” said Stone. “And I have noticed that the fear of the coming week has been growing lately. I used to get the scaries around dusk on Sunday, but it’s been manifesting earlier. Forget having fun—I’d just like to have a nice, quiet weekend without counting down the hours until I have to be back at my desk. Sometimes I’ll stay up really late on a Saturday to try and stave off the inevitable, but I wind up sleeping super late and then spending what’s left of the day meal-prepping and doomscrolling.”
Self-proclaimed “grindset” influencer Michael Sphinx says the only way to prevent Sunday Scaries is to never stop working at all.
“How can you be worried about going back to work if you’re working every waking moment?” asked Sphinx as he edited a spreadsheet while Doordashing. “I can’t count how many jobs and side hustles I’ve got. The gig economy is amazing for people who need very little sleep and don’t care about having friends, hobbies or relationships. So no, I never get Sunday Scaries, because my Sundays are packed full with dog walking, double-shifts bartending and playing Spiderman at kids’ parties. It’s all about time management. I’m even developing a method to eat while I sleep, which will save me tons of time.”
At press time, Lutefisk’s team had launched a follow-up study to analyze alcohol consumption trends on Thirsty Thursdays in relation to Sunday Scaries.
BETHEL PARK, Penn. — New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to America illegally nearly two centuries ago, outraged conservative pundits confirmed.
“We found that Matthew Crooks descended from Andrew Crookes of Yorkshire, England. The Crookes family was attempting to join an established colony in Nova Scotia when their ship went off course and they ended up off the coast of Massachusetts in 1795 and decided to start their legacy of crime,” said right-wing investigator Gabe Butler. “The entire Crooks family should have never been in our country to begin with. Andrew Crookes is responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of illegals who have been mooching off the backs of hard-working Americans for nearly ten generations. There is only one person to blame here, and that is Joe Biden and his open border policy, if Trump had been in office in 1795 then that boat would have been forced to turn right around.”
Conservative pundits at this week’s RNC were quick to capitalize on Crooks’ immigration status.
“It goes without saying that we need immigration reform, but this should also be retroactive. If you can’t trace your lineage back to my personal hero Christopher Columbus then you need to go back to your own country,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). “It’s kind of funny, Joe Biden has been awfully quiet ever since we started calling for these mass deportations. What’s the matter Joe? Afraid of what we might find? Today I’m calling on Joe Biden to release his long-form ancestry report to the American people. We deserve to know.”
Dr. Lewis Hammon, a Professor of American History at Stanford, says there is some logic behind this new line of thinking.
“When we were kids we were taught that America was basically empty before European settlers got here. We were told that a few Indigenous tribes welcomed these visitors with open arms, but unfortunately that’s not the truth. These European immigrants exterminated the native community,” said Dr. Hammon. “So when conservatives talk about how illegal immigrants are coming to this country and terrorizing people they are absolutely right. They are just a few hundred years too late for it to be true.”
At press time, reports also indicate that while Crooks attended high school he attended Spanish class for at least two semesters.
ARLINGTON, Texas — Americans everywhere took a brief pause from threatening to kill each other online to share that they believe Ingrid Andress should have been sober during her performance of the National Anthem Monday night.
“Our Nation’s anthem is the greatest song ever to exist, every time I hear it I can’t help but bawl my eyes out and salute the stars and stripes. However, the rendedition by Ms. Andress was the worst thing to happen to this country since President Clinton,” said Republican Governor, Greg Abbott, as he turned on a generator to power an air conditioner and dressed himself in a bullet-proof vest. “I know things are bad under Biden. Ms. Andress was probably worried about our Southern border and how the Democrats let people run free all over it, but that’s no excuse. We’re never going to get the respect of the rest of the world if we are constantly giving stage time to Americans who make a mockery of themselves. ”
Maryland resident Bradelyn Lake was particularly offended after watching the performance while wasted at a local bar.
“I would never do that,” shares Bradelyn Lake, mother of two overfed Shih-Tzu’s. “I mean, I don’t really remember watching it, but I know it was bad, and I know I would never do that to our nation that I love. If you sing the dang Pledge of Allegiance you better do it right or I’ll find you and cut you to bits. This country protects me from homeless people, from scary guys with guns, and from going to hell for driving my neighbor to an abortion. Other countries are not free to arm themselves when they leave the house. I can’t imagine getting in my car without my AK, people get attacked all the time, what if I’m next?”
However, European leaders completely agree with the behavior.
“It’s standard protocol to breathalyze everyone who enters Wembley Stadium to make sure they’re drunk enough, including players,” says Mayor of London Sadiq Khan. “This incident makes sense to me. Prior to our election, the recorded rates of intoxication throughout the stadium were much higher. America’s terrifying future is in the hands of its citizens, and to cope, in one of those hands should also be a cold one.”
At press time, Governor Abbott lifted up his face shield to share that he will be performing the National Anthem at all future Texas sporting events.
