Ben Shapiro Calls for Boycott of Zoltar Machine That Wouldn’t Make Him Big

Posted on by Sean Fallon

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.

“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

Larry Houdini, the CEO of MerlinCorp who manufactures the Zoltar machines, maintains that the magic works.

“I sympathize with the plight of that little guy,” said Houdini, a purveyor of magic carnival machines since the ‘60s. “But Zoltar can only grant wishes that are possible. He can’t raise the dead or turn back time and in Ben’s case, he can’t make the little man a normal-sized adult who is capable of reaching items off of high shelves, or the gas pedal in his car without help. At the end of the day the Zoltar machines are magic but they’re not that magic.”

Former toy company executive Susan Lawrence shared her own experiences with the Zoltar machines.

“In the ‘80s, I had a run-in with Zoltar,” said Lawrence, from her home where she is currently under house arrest. “A guy came to work with me at the MacMillan Toy Company, a wonderful man named Josh, who I fell in love with and had a wonderful affair with until I discovered he was a 12-year-old boy that Zoltar had made big. Eventually, he went back to his normal life and I embraced listening to the young voice in my head. Listened too much maybe, and now I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school, and I have to go door to door to tell everyone I’m a registered sex offender if I move to a new place. How was I supposed to know?”

At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.

New Edging Trend? This Man Listened To “In the Air Tonight” for 8 Hours but Stopped Right Before the Drum Part Every Time

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Edging, the practice of sexually stimulating oneself up to the point of arousal without achieving climax for some reason, may have a new trend. Local man Kyle Reuben added his own take on edging this past Saturday by playing Phill Collins’ 1981 debut single “In The Air Tonight” on repeat for eight hours but stopping the song right at the point before the drums begin.

“I started listening to that song when I was about thirteen years old and would listen to it almost every day, sometimes even two to three times a day,” said Reuben. “It’s pretty embarrassing though so I would only listen to it when I was alone. Like any time my girlfriend would run out to the store or something I would immediately throw it on.”

Reuben says this almost daily habit of listening to the song, which features an exploding drum fill a little after three minutes, began to cause a decline in excitement for it which led him to create his own version of edging.

“When I first started listening to it I couldn’t even make it to the three-minute, forty-second mark and would fast-forward to that part every time. But now that I’ve gotten older the excitement for it has started to wane a little and the song just feels like it just drags on and on and the big moment just doesn’t have the same feeling anymore. So last Saturday when my girlfriend went to visit her parents for the weekend and I had the whole place to myself I played it on repeat all day but stopped right after Collins sings ‘It’s no stranger to you and me.’”

With this technique of teasing himself for an extended period of time, Kyle says he now has a new appreciation for the song and the anticipation of finally hearing the drums has built up a tipping point for his excitement.

“After listening over and over without hearing the drums has me just buzzing with anticipation now and I can’t think about anything else. Tomorrow night once I say goodbye to my girlfriend as she heads out the door to go out with friends I’m going to let the whole song play through. I think I can safely say once I hear the ‘DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DU-DUNN’ Phil Collins’ revenge won’t be the only thing coming in the air tonight.”

Tom Waits Finally Clears Throat Revealing Actual Falsetto Voice

Posted on by Chris Bratton

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary musician Tom Waits spent over a minute clearing his throat to reveal a beautiful singing voice that was octaves higher and vibrating during a rare live performance last night, baffled sources confirmed.

“Well, I guess I never thought to hack all that nasty phlegm out of my throat. I just assumed that if it needed to happen, then it would have been done by something in this world that controls such things. The night of the show I was admiring a murder of crows flying towards the sun, their ineffable beauty inclined me to spit into the air, but my dry mouth made my neck evacuate itself,” said Waits wistfully. “Afterwards, I had the voice like the Vienna boys choir, it was startling but very transformative. I immediately belted out ‘Barbar’ Ann’ by The Beach Boys. And at my next show I may sing songs by this newer human, Bon Iver!”

Local Waits superfan Kevin Josephson described the performance of his favorite Waits song, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up.”

“It was perplexing! His voice usually sounds like chewing gravel in a windy desert. But then all of a sudden it was angelic, pure, and sweet. When he sang the lyrics to ‘I Don’t Wanna Grow Up’ I thought for a second at some point he was going to say it was because he was a Toys-R-Us kid,” mused Josephson. “He kept bringing up stuff about turkey vultures and donkeys between songs, but because his voice was so high it didn’t feel insightful—more like a kid saying the darndest thing.”

Medical consultants have recorded situations when small maladies affect large aspects of a band’s performance.

“Angus Young was one! For years, every time AC/DC played, everyone assumed he was doing a fun dance with his guitar. But it was a constantly inflamed ankle that caused him to bounce around, we cured it with orthopedic insoles and antibiotics,” said Dr.Kramer, local physician. “For years I would tell my colleagues that Tom Waits needed a lozenge, or in the very least a spritz of Chloraseptic. Heck, I’ve always wondered what the Smashing Pumpkins would sound like if Billy Corgan would use the neti pot I sent him.”

As of press time, Waits announced that he was recording a new album, but to the dismay of some fans, it will mostly be bird calls.

Every Iceage Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

The words “Ice Age” means something different for everyone. If you’re some sort of paleontologist dweeb, it means sabertooth tigers and uncovering ancient sticks our primitive ancestors used to scrape the ice off their Pontiac Azteks. If you’re a child of the aughts, Ice Age was all about Sid the sloth and the rest of those fuckers. However, if you’re unemployed and woefully depressed like us, Iceage is a band of Danish post punkers, notable for the contradiction between frontman Elias Rønnenfelt’s rambling vocal delivery and his poetic lyrics. So sit down and take a journey with us as we rank every album by Iceage, because let’s face it, it’s not like you have any other responsibilities to attend to.

5. New Brigade (2011)

It’s their debut, and well. It’s definitely a debut. It’s by no means a bad album, in fact we’d say it’s a great album. It sets the band’s sound going forward with their raw and fervent instrumentation. But, by pure comparison to the rest of their discography alone, the lyrics on this record feel a bit lackluster. Having said that, these Danish teenagers still outclassed most American songwriters on this album with their grasp of the English language. So for that, +1 to the Danish school system.

Play it again: “Broken Bone”
Skip it: “Collapse,” due to the incessant and ear piercing lead guitar riff

4. Beyondless (2018)

Look, we might get shit on for this placement as this album has the band’s biggest hit in “Pain Killer,” which features Sky Ferreira. If anything, this number 4 spot just proves Iceage is an incredible band with no bad albums, so mull that over before telling us to go throw ourselves underneath a frozen lake, they can’t all be ranked #1 ok? On “Beyondless,” the band seems a bit more playful, both with the instrumentation and vocal styling, with the addition of some solid brass. It’s just a matter of taste and unfortunately, we’re sadistic and depressed, which means we prefer the band’s somber work over this album in particular

Play it again: “Catch It,” “Beyondless”
Skip it: “Thieves Like Us”

3. You’re Nothing (2013)

We don’t know what happened in the two years between this album and their debut record, but it’s clear Iceage leveled up. Maybe it was something in the Copenhagen water or maybe it was the simple fact that the band were no longer teenagers. The lyrics on tracks like “Ecstasy” paint a vivid depiction of isolation and helplessness that comes with it while Rønnenfelt drops a Nietzche reference on the song “Everything Drifts.” With lyrics that showcase their flair for literature and philosophy, coupled with the increasingly harsher noise and post-punk elements of their sound, Iceage delivered an excellent sophomore album.

Play it again: “Everything Drifts,” “Coalition”
Skip it: “Interlude,” like most interludes, somewhat unnecessary

2. Seek Shelter (2021)

The band’s most recent studio endeavor where the band seems to have solidly encapsulated the sounds of their prior albums while maintaining a sense of novelty. The usual suspects are all here, the dense driving guitars, the slight bits of sparse piano parts on a ballad like “Love Kills Slowly,” and the poetic lyrics that even Genius.com has yet to fully derive meaning from. I’m sure we can figure it out, but that’s too much effort and we’d much rather be willfully ignorant and just nod our heads along to the music.

Play it again: “Seek Shelter,” “Vendetta,” “The Wider Powder Blue”
Skip it: “The Holding Hand”

1. Plowing Into the Field of Love (2014)

Now as much as we’d like to avoid using the word “drunken” to describe Rønnenfelt’s vocals, there’s no way around it. Just listening to this album can raise your blood alcohol content levels by .1%. Even our straight edge friend got a DUI after being pulled over while listening to this album. But, this is peak Iceage, with the trademark brooding and harsh guitars with the added contribution of bright piano riffs as heard in tracks like “On My Fingers” and “Against the Moon.” There’s even a country cut in “The Lord’s Favorite,” which almost fools you into believing the band is from Appalachia. Plus, Rønnenfelt contributes with some of his most poignant and heartfelt lyrics ever. All in all, this is a must-listen in the post-punk genre.

Play it again: All 47 minutes and 54 seconds of the album
Skip it: If you’re really a prude, you can skip “Cimmerian Shade” to move past the breathy moans throughout this track.

Every “Mad Men” Character Ranked by Their Likelihood of Having an Affair With My Wife

Posted on by Dan Rice

I can no longer stay in denial—my wife Tiffany is keeping something from me. All the signs are there. She’s been distant and withdrawn. She takes her phone with her to the bathroom. She reeks of Lucky Strike cigarettes and she’s been letting casual racism fly left and right. It’s all too clear that my wife is having an affair with one of the characters from the critically acclaimed program “Mad Men.”

Figuring out which fictional prestige TV character my very real wife is having sex with is no small undertaking. Luckily, I’m currently in the middle of a manic episode, so I’ve been able to put in the work and crunch the numbers. Here are the “Mad Men” characters I’ve narrowed it down to ranked by the likelihood that they’re the culprit:

45. Trudy Campbell

Jesus, what am I talking about? My angel from heaven would never hurt me like this. Trudy, I mean. My wife is definitely fucking around.

44. Lou Avery

I don’t care how drunk and vengeful she was feeling, there’s no way my wife would let this hack loser lay a finger on her without immediately hanging herself the following morning, scouts honor.

43. Salvatore Romano

He’s funny, he’s charming and he should probably be higher on this list. However, my wife is not exactly his type, if you catch my meaning. You know, because she’s not Italian.

42. Bert Cooper

Bert Cooper gets hard for two things—shoeless feet and Ayn Rand. My wife is self conscious about her bunions and has never even been to Russia.

41. Joan Holloway

There’s no way someone could land Joanie and not brag about it to everyone, even the husband whose heart they’re breaking.

40. Abe Drexler

A lateral move at best. She’s already got a terrible partner full of social rage at home.

39. John Mathis

This twerp butchered Don’s best joke, he would for sure strike out with my overly critical emasculating battle axe of a wife.

38. Greg Harris

My wife has taken self-defense classes every Thursday for the last 5 years. That’s a lot of time, money, and effort for a piece of shit like Greg to lay a hand on her with his windpipe intact.

37. Bobbie Barrett

I find it highly unlikely that my real-life wife is having an affair with the fictional wife and manager of the fictional comedian Jimmy Barrett. She seems happy lately, and that’s not the effect Bobbie has on people.

36. Lois Sadler

Impossible. Didn’t you see the sparks between her and Sal?

35. Jane Sterling

Can’t rule it out. My wife has expressed interest in women and LSD.

34. Francine Hanson

She would seduce my wife just to be able to spread the gossip that my wife is having an affair.

33. Meredith

Meredith and my wife? No. I don’t think so. I feel like I would have heard about that.

32. Jimmy Barrett

At best he cried in the corner watching her get it on with his wife.

31. Paul Kinsey

If my wife wanted to fuck some egotistical hack who writes “Star Trek” fan fic she would just keep sleeping with me.

30. Ida Blankenship

Sure, she was placed as Don’s secretary specifically to stop him from fucking his secretaries, but I’m not ruling her out. Let us not forget that according to Roger she was “The Queen of Perversions of the highest order” back in her heyday. Could she be taking up her old hellcat lifestyle with my beloved wife? I did find a Werther’s Original in her purse last week.

29. Stan Rizzo

Do I think my wife has a secret relationship with Stan that started as purely antagonistic and blossomed into a genuine friendship until one day they both realized they’d been in love with each other the whole time? That depends, does he still have the beard?

28. Duck Phillips

He can’t hold his liquor, but he did once manage to wrestle Peggy’s loyalty away from Don. I got my eye on you, Duck.

27. Glen Bishop

No, my wife is not a pedophile, but as “Mad Men’s” own Betty and Glen have taught us, a grown woman is completely capable of emotionally cheating with a child. I can’t prove it, but I think she cut a clump out of her hair…

26. Michael Ginsberg

If my wife could suss out the sane from the insane she never would have married me in the first place. Anyone who can pitch an unsolicited Jaguar tag to Don and nail it definitely has what it takes to charm my intensely frustrated, clearly looking-for-the-door wife.

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New Jersey Hardcore Band Cancels National Tour After Realizing They Have to Pump Own Gas

Posted on by Zac Lux

TRENTON, N.J. — New Jersey hardcore band Bust In canceled their first tour outside of New Jersey after realizing they don’t know how to pump their own gas, sources close to the musicians confirmed.

“This just shows proves what Springsteen has been saying all along, New Jersey is the best fucking state in the world,” said frontman Gord Wilmont. “Forcing the common people to get out of their cozy car on a brisk fall day just to pump their own gas and get all stunk up by the fumes that smother any scent of the pumpkin spice latte you just picked up from Starbucks is inhuman. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not afraid to pump my own gas, and I actually do know how to do it. I just choose not to, because I don’t want to take part in ripping jobs away from hard-working people who want to pump my gas. It’s unbelievable that so many sheeple blindly follow along and pump their own gas. What a bunch of conformists.”

This isn’t the first time a band from New Jersey has canceled a tour due to vehicular constraints.

“I’d say this happens with about 98% of the bands from Jersey,” said Trent Gazo, a booking agent who works with multiple national acts. “They whine and whine about wanting to build their audience by going on tour, but as soon as they’re forced to reconcile with leaving the state for the first time in their lives, they run and cower in some greasy spoon diner to drown their fears in milkshakes and disco fries. It’s sad, really. But, for many, the decision to live in Jersey was a deliberate one, giving them a baked-in excuse because they’re too lazy to actually go out and tour.”

Some think NJHC bands’ resistance to tour nationally is actually fueling oil companies’ larger agenda.

“From a finance POV, we’re hoping there’s enough kickback from New Jersey Hardcore bands, that this can reach a legislative level,” said Joseph Kim, CEO of Sunoco Corporation, “The more NJHC bands that complain about not knowing how to pump their own gas, the more leverage we have to take this to the supreme court and make it a law that every station across the country needs to be staffed by a worker who may or may not overcharge the driver for gas by squirting out a couples squeezes on the asphalt.”

At press time, Sunoco representatives were too busy talking with lobbyists to squander the New Jersey Department of Education in an effort to get an earlier start on diminishing students’ fluency in pumping their own gas.

Is America Ready for a President Who Can Convert a Word Document to a PDF?

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

America’s expectations for its leaders have always been low. We’ve had presidents who needed help with basic tech, and we were okay with it. But now, we face a terrifying prospect: a leader who might know how to convert a Word document to a PDF.

In 2024, Kamala Harris has the potential to be the first president with this ability, reportedly mastering PDF conversion by typing “pdf” into Microsoft Word’s search bar. Is this progress? Or is it a slippery slope toward a future where our leaders are expected to perform basic tasks without passing the buck to those with less status and wealth?

PDF conversion has eluded each of our previous presidents in the digital age. Bill Clinton was president when PDFs were invented in 1993, but when a junior staffer brought up this new file type, he asked her, “Does that stand for ‘pretty damn fine’… like how you’re looking right now?” That was the end of any serious tech conversation during his term.

With his youthful, tech-savvy vibe, many assumed that Barack Obama knew this stuff. But when pressed about how to convert file types, he responded, “What do I look like, some kinda fuckin’ nerd?” His honesty was refreshing. After all, converting a file shouldn’t be the president’s job. That is what interns are for. (Recent surveys show 90% of interns’ work hours are spent combining, condensing, and converting documents in a way that doesn’t crash the aging government servers.)

Let’s remember what’s really at stake here: the intern-to-advisor pipeline. This sacred institution has molded countless young, wide-eyed college students into seasoned political operatives, making six figures based solely on their ability to click “File” and then “Save As PDF.” If a president starts handling this themselves, what’s next? Will the interns have to pivot to writing macros in Excel? It’s a slippery slope that could disrupt not just the economy, but the very fabric of American democracy.

So, the question remains if America is ready for a president who can operate thirty-year-old software. Maybe some mysteries are better left unsolved—at least by those in the Oval Office. The future might be coming, but does it really need to arrive in PDF form?

Woman Who Lost Entire Wallet Considers Elaborate Identity Theft Scheme to Avoid Calling Banks and the DMV

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local woman Andrea Wellson is reportedly considering a risky and in-depth plan to commit identity theft to spare herself from having to go to the DMV after losing her driver’s license, sources confirmed.

“I lost my entire fucking wallet last week,” said a visibly frazzled and manic Wellson. “There is no way in hell I’m about to go through the hassle of replacing every single credit card, every single piece of identification in there–I’d rather actually die. Have you ever been to the DMV around here? I can’t do that. It’s probably way easier for me to plumb the depths of the Dark Web to concoct and execute a very elaborate identity theft grift. I’m thinking the best way to start is to start making AI-generated robocalls to old people. Or like, rich or evil old people, just to make it a little more palatable, ethically speaking.”

Wellson’s partner, Julia Ion, weighed in on her potential schemes.

“The only reason I’m not dumping her immediately is because I know at the end of the day, I’ll just physically drag her to the DMV and take her out for a coffee after, and it’ll be fine,” lamented Ion. “But Jesus fucking Christ, this is the fourth replacement license she’s had this year alone. I don’t know how many more insane gambits she can come up with before she realizes she just needs to buy a goddamn wallet chain.”

A spokesman from the FBI provided critical expert insight into situations like Wellson’s.

“Now I’m not sure what I’m legally allowed to share, but I will say this: the number-one cause of identity theft isn’t anything like blatant monetary greed or other malicious motivators by petty criminals, no. It’s actually people like Ms. Wellson who just really, really don’t want to deal with bureaucracy,” said Special Agent Dane Collier. “There is truly no motivator like avoiding an hours-long line and filling out paperwork. The only reason we haven’t addressed this phenomenon more publicly is because honestly, we kind of get where these would-be thieves are coming from.”

At press time, Ion was seen purchasing Wellson a set of Apple AirTags for her upcoming birthday.

15 Music Video Tie Ins To Remind You That You Failed At Both Your Music Dreams And Your Film Dreams

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

When you were a starry-eyed youth, you thought you could do everything. You could be a rockstar or even the next Speilberg. We all know how that went. Let us look back at when music and films formed the perfect marriage in music video tie-ins to remind you of two failed dreams at once.

Prince “Batdance”
Batman 

Tim Burton’s Batman film was absolutely groundbreaking. Then the studios brought in musical genius Prince to form his own personality with the intellectual property in a spectacular 7 minutes. Great costumes, great choreography, overall a great note to end the ‘80s on. Tim Burton was barely 30 when he made this let alone on his 3rd big hit, what’s your excuse?

Devo “Doctor Detroit”
Doctor Detroit

You really can’t go wrong when it comes to Devo. Why didn’t you ever commit to a Devo act? Despite this Dan Aykroyd flick not being a memorable one, Devo goes out of their way to incorporate the movie perfectly into their unique style of video effects and music. And hey, Dan Aykroyd made this movie which is more than you can say.

U2 “Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me”
Batman Forever

Oh, uh another Batman one. Despite your feelings on U2 or “Batman Forever,” there’s no doubt this is a great music video. Bono and friends are animated to look just like a classic Batman comic book. Becoming a successful graphic novelist is also something you could have done.

Smashing Pumpkins “The End Is The Beginning Is The End”
Batman And Robin

Okay, a third Batman one. Kind of a weird choice to do a non-Batman one then three Batman music videos in a row. Billy Corgan flies around in Batman’s CGI head. Pretty cool. When is the last time you did something remotely cool? Back in college? That was 17 years ago big dog.

Seal “Kiss From A Rose”
Batman Forever

Are you serious? Four Batman videos are on this list? And didn’t we just do “Batman Forever”? Great song though. Video is not much to write home about. Perhaps if you stuck to your film aspirations you could’ve given it more zazz.

Digital Underground “Same Song”
Nothing But Trouble

Finally, we’re back on track. Some very ‘90s choices of culture costumes aside, Digital Underground does a great job capturing the style of the Dan Aykroyd classic. This is also the first single to feature 2pac. Must’ve been nice for Tupac to get this big break…

Dan Aykroyd & Tom Hanks “City Of Crime”
Dragnet

Tom Hanks raps with Dan Aykroyd in this- Wait a minute… “Dr. Detroit,” “Nothing But Trouble,” “Dragnet”… are these Dan Akyroyd choices on purpose?

The Elwood Blues Revue “Land of 1000 Dances”
The Great Outdoors

So just to be clear, this list is Aykroyd-Batman-Batman-Batman-Batman-Aykroyd-Aykroyd- Aykroyd? I’m just trying to rub it in your face about your failed dreams but now I’m distracted by whoever chose the songs for this list.

Paul McCartney “Spies Like Us”
Spies Like Us

At one point Paul McCartney rips his mask off to reveal he’s who else? Sigh… You guessed it, Dan Aykroyd. Hey, at least “Ghostbusters” will probably be on this list soon. “Ghostbusters” was a comedic and special effects anomaly that really inspired you as a kid to be creative. I doubt you ever saw “Spies Like Us.” Also remember when you first learned how to play a Beatles song on guitar?

Siouxsie and The Banshees “Face To Face”
Batman Returns

Now we’re back to a Batman music video. The crossover with “Batman Returns” is much more subtle than the other music videos much like how “Batman Returns” is a much more subtle Batman movie. You read lots of books about how to create subtle symbolism in your art but nothing happened from that. This has to be the last Batman one, right?

Memphisto Odessey “Crash”
Batman Beyond Return Of The Joker

Fitting band for an early 2000s cyberpunk Batman. Wayne Static Appears with his giant hair gelled into Bat ears. Wayne Static expressed himself with his hair in ways you never could. But maybe you could get into hats now. Ever thought about being a hat guy?

Avenged Sevenfold “Bat Country”
Batman Begins

A forgotten cross-promotion from the Chris Nolan reboot. Did you know that the 2016 film “Suicide Squad” had like 7 music video tie ins? I’m not making that up. Unfortunately they’re not Batman focused enough to include here.

Art Of Noise “Dragnet”
Dragnet

Okay back to the Ayk man with “Dragnet” I guess. This one is very similar to the Devo one and that is meant as a compliment. It’s very creative and 4th wall breaking just like the films you never got around to making. Dan Akryoyd sure has attached himself to a lot of great work. It shows what happens when you commit to something.

Beldar & Prymaat “Conehead Love”
Coneheads

Oh look, Aykroyd is rapping with Jane Curtin this time. Not gonna lie this kinda slaps. There’s only one music video left on this list. It better be “Ghostbusters”. There can’t be any more Batman or Aykroyd music videos that can be chosen. Now let’s get to busting!

LL Cool J “Deepest Blue”
Deep Blue Sea

His hat is like a shark’s fin.

New Study Reveals 92.5 The Scorpion Is Not the Only Station That Rocks

Posted on by Kyle Donley

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A new study from Arizona State University revealed that local radio station 92.5 The Scorpion has not been the only one that rocks, despite their bold on-air claims of such, stunned sources confirmed.

“In fact, we’ve discovered a good 237 other FM stations in the area that rock equivalently or even slightly more so in some cases,” said airwave radio scientist Radha Unjit after performing a basic litmus test to confirm their findings. “Our study concluded that the Scorpion has played the likes of Hoobastank and Nickelback, so the bar was set rather low. If the station is able to up their game and throw in some Alice In Chains or even the radio-friendly Metallica stuff, empirical evidence points to them actually turning the corner and rocking. In conclusion, these guys are lying sacks of shit.”

Disgraced 92.5 Scorpion DJ Jax Orlando shared his thoughts on the controversial research.

“The station managers give us the playlist and we pop it on. Blame them for us playing wall-to-wall Puddle of Mudd,” said Orlando who was forced to put on Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal” for the third time this hour against his will. “We have a community of listeners that are hurting and we want to hear from them. And give them the opportunity to win tickets to see Trapt at the Brickstone Lodge on October 3rd. The seventh caller will win a pair of tickets to the show. Unfortunately, we’re still waiting for our first caller on that.”

Understandably, the news has rocked local residents of the area.

“Any time I started to lose signal I would just turn the radio off and drive in silence because I only listen to alternative rock and thought that was the only radio station in the country that played that kind of music,” said Chad Radcliffe, a local vacuum cleaner repairman. “So the fact that this whole time I could have been listening to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ elsewhere followed by whatever music Papa Roach is making now, all while driving across county lines is upsetting. But I guess you just can’t believe everything you hear on the radio these days.”

At press time, researchers were quick to start a new study to reveal whether the station was, in fact, our nation’s “Home of the Rock.”