Emo Rap Songs Ranked by Someone Way Too Old to Listen to Emo Rap

The genre known as “Emo Rap” (or “Sad Trap” if you want to be a hipster about it, which I do) is the unlikely combination of rap beats with emo vocals and guitars. Sure, it’s more complicated than that, but in the simplest definitions that’s what it is. And it fucking rules, which is a real shame because I’m 37 and that’s way too old to be listening to this stuff. But the truth is, if this music came out when I was in high school it would have blown the JNCOs off my 20-inch waist. Discovering emo rap felt like when I discovered punk, which is something I’d love to tell my favorite emo rappers but they’d probably just get offended that I called them a “punk.”

Lyrically, the genre combines aspects of rock and hip-hop, often in a way that contrasts the other. For example, a rapper may brag about their clout, financial status, and hoe inventory. An emo rapper, on the other hand, will brag about these things but they also want to kill themselves. It’s like if DMX had depression. Wait… I think I just realized why I love DMX so much.

While the genre as a whole peaked around 2019, many of these emo rappers have gone on to incorporate different styles of music into their sound, leading to a slew of artists to watch. From afar though. I’m not trying to be the old guy at an emo rap show.

Honorable Mention: “Awful Things” by Lil Peep

Lil Peep is the godfather of emo rap. However, he’s an honorable mention because he’s more of a personality and aesthetic than a great songwriter or musician. But that’s okay because Lil Peep wasn’t about music. He was about rebellion! About political and social upheaval! Or maybe that was The Monkees. Either way, I completely get the fandom surrounding the Peepster, it’s just that the artists he inspired went on to greatly improve upon his sound.

Best Lyric:
Burn me down ’til I’m nothing but memories

10. “Get Lost” by Convolk

Convolk’s sound hasn’t changed much over the extensive history of the genre (the length of which is somewhere between 5-7 years depending on who’s little brother you ask), but he keeps perfecting the classic “emo rap” sound. It’s depressing how much I relate to his lyrics that are likely designed to appeal to dramatic tween girls, which works out since it’s the perfect emotional state to listen to his music.

Best Lyric:
New tattoo/aren’t you cool
You look like the girl who broke my heart in two

9. “Feel Like Shit” by Shinigami

Shinigami is an insanely talented singer and producer. “Feel Like Shit” has subs so deep you’ll feel it in your soul. I don’t mean that figuratively. Researchers found that low vibrations at certain frequencies can trigger sadness in humans and many songs in this genre apply to this. But I’m too cool for all that school shit, I’m a middle-aged dad who likes emo rap.

Best Lyric:
Kiss my lips/Make me feel like I have you
This is it/And I know that you’re sad too

8. “Hurt Before” by guccihighwaters

This is a classic emo rap song. guccihighwaters got signed to Epitaph, which is pretty surreal but definitely makes me feel less alone about listening to this stuff. This one has a great video of repurposed cartoon footage. I made a playlist of these artists and now YouTube is giving me targeted ads for Lexipro and Better Help. My algorithm’s fucked but my mental health has drastically improved.

Best Lyric:
We’ve all been hurt before, it don’t make you a savage

7. “Pumpkins Scream in the Dead of Night” by Savage Ga$p featuring Shinigami

It’s hard to tell if Savage Gasp (aka “Gasper” on this track) is entirely ironic, or just strategically. Either way, this song is hilarious and it’s a good example of the sense of humor a lot of these emo rappers have about themselves. There’s a self-awareness that makes the vulnerability of the genre less cringy. Basically, they know what they’re doing is “weird” but they just don’t care.

Best Lyric:
Shinigami told me, “Kill ’em,”
I said, “Let me grab my death note”

6. “Someone” by 6 Dogs

“Someone” is a great example of the dichotomy of emo rap lyrics. It’s about the alienation of being separated from your peers by success. It’s about achieving what you want but paying the heavy price of losing everything that you now realize truly mattered. Or as 6 Dogs so eloquently puts it, “Fuck this cash. Makes me sad.” Also, go on YouTube and find the video of this song that’s all Simpsons scenes recut to tell a sad story about Bart’s love life.

Best Lyric:
Dough make me feel like a no one
Prolly ’cause I’m just another someone

5. “Hammer” by Nothing, Nowhere

Nothing, Nowhere is one of the more popular emo rappers on this list and “Hammer” is a great song to start with if you’re still iffy on all this genre-bending. It’s a more straightforward rap track about being a loser who finally won. It’s a classic emo rap topic and this song spells it out perfectly. This is great music to pump yourself up if you’re still holding onto baggage from being an outcast in middle school.

Best Lyric:
In high school, they would laugh, try to label
Eatin’ lunch with nobody at my table
Everyone that used to doubt got a day job
I just made a few stacks off a merch drop

4. “Long Way Home” by Fats’e featuring XLHC

On the 2022 record, “Arson Green Nostalgia,” Fats’e (pronounced “fat-see”) perfectly showcased his own version of the emo rap sound. He showcased his most unique skill among this cohort of emo rappers: midwest emo guitar. The whole record is full of tracks like “Long Way Home” with trap beats, autotuned emo vocals and, taking center stage, two twinkly guitars. Also, this song features a dude from Hot Mulligan, which is the first thing about this whole genre that doesn’t make me feel ancient.

Best Lyric:
Didn’t know that I was capable of being what you want
‘til you’re sick of it
It was good to feel on top for a little bit

3. “Toothpaste” by 93FEETOFSMOKE

93FEETOFSMOKE is my personal favorite on this list. He’s the most interesting emo rapper to watch moving forward as each new album brings in new genres and influences, while maintaining the core of emo rap. His albums each have a cohesive sound and it’s clear they were written as collections of songs as opposed to random singles that were later compiled together. “Toothpaste” speaks for itself and features an incredible “production solo.” Production solos have slowly usurped the typical instrumental solo ever since Kanye West and Skrillex made it a thing in the early 2010s. 93FEETOFSMOKE also makes his own merch that’s clearly meant for fashionable Zoomers. I have so many 93FEETOFSMOKE shirts I can’t wear in public.

Best Lyric:
Let the skeletons dance around town
But I’ma dip once they start to hash it out
‘Cause I ain’t really got a bone worth picking now

2. “Candles” by Juice Wrld

Juice Wrld should be Kurt Cobain for Zoomers. Unfortunately, kids today have such short attention spans for trauma. It’s like they’ve become desensitized to it somehow. Anyway, Juice Wrld was one of the best vocalists to channel emotion into melody. Ever. His sense of melody in general was off the charts and he had the ability to make hits on the spot. His popularity transcended genres, but his album “Goodbye & Good Riddance” will always be an emo rap masterpiece.

Best Lyric:
Don’t pray for me
Just bring me drugs

1. “Scraped My Knee Pt 2” by Fats’e & 93FEETOFSMOKE

A lot of the best emo rap songs aren’t even on albums. Case in point, “Scraped My Knee Pt 2” (of the 3-part knee scraping trilogy) is simply amazing. It shows the split from classic emo rap to a new musical landscape where tons of these artists can venture off into their own style. Like several bedroom artist/SoundCloud genres, emo rap didn’t just popularize an unlikely genre of music. It also massively expanded what alternative music could sound like. Musically and lyrically, “Scraped My Knee Pt 2” is the embodiment of this musical expansion.

Best Lyric:
I’m glad I got out of my head and got out of my hometown

Straight Edge Guy at Bachelor Party Spends Entire Time Trying to Convince Stripper to Go Vegan

LAS VEGAS — Lifelong straight edger Logan McGuire spent the majority of his future brother-in-law’s bachelor party convincing the stripper to go vegan, despite being surrounded by endless debauchery, confirmed multiple tanked groomsmen.

“I don’t know how anyone in this strip club can think about naked women when hundreds of thousands of cows are being brutally slaughtered every day, their blood is greasing the gears of capitalism. My sister’s fiance didn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the dancer at our table was surprisingly attentive and it’s been a while since I’ve been able to talk about the benefits of veganism without someone walking away mid-conversation,” said McGuire. “It cost me $200 to get my entire point across about how dairy cows are tortured on a daily basis, but I bet when she goes home tonight she’ll switch to soy milk.”

The dancer at the bachelor party’s booth noted that McGuire was the first client she ever met who paid her to not do her job.

“I’ve met a lot of gross dudes who’ve paid me to do weird shit, so this was a nice reprieve. Usually when men want to just talk they complain about their wives, but Logan was the first one to show me data about how factory farming is exacerbating climate change. I have to salute his commitment to explaining the evils of the farming industrial complex with my tits in his face,” said Candy Jones. “The other guys in his party were getting kind of annoyed, but honestly he was shelling out the most cash. I would’ve offered him a private dance but he refused. I think he was Mormon or something.”

McGuire’s soon-to-be brother-in-law was hoping for a more “traditional” stag party without any politics.

“I can’t wait to marry his sister, but I cannot wait even more to only see this guy on holidays. My best man really went out of his way to curate a neverending cavalcade of pussy and beer for three days straight, and Logan kept knocking the drinks out of our hands any time we walked by him. I’m trying to get this stripper to sit on my face but he keeps sidetracking her about how overfishing is destroying delicate ocean ecosystems,” said Bill Lawrey. “None of the other dancers will even come near us now. I can’t imagine the rant he’ll go on when I tell him we’re going out for cigars and steaks after this.”

As of press time, the party was asked to leave the club after McGuire insisted on giving Candy a copy of Earth Crisis’ “Destroy the Machines.”

Heartwarming: This Second Grader Dreams of One Day Becoming President Despite Being Named Tristan

If you’re looking for a feel-good story about overcoming adversity, we’ve got the perfect one for you today out of Indianapolis, where local second grader, Tristan Fuller has announced his intention to one day become President of the United States, despite the fact that his name is literally Tristan.

According to his classmates and teacher, the plucky, if utterly deluded, eight-year-old came to school for his presentation on “what I want to be when I grow up” in a full suit and tie, and announced his future candidacy for the highest office in the land, as if there’s a future in which someone named Tristan would hold the nuclear codes.

This isn’t to say that Fuller isn’t a precocious and civically minded boy. When I had the chance to sit down with him, he was all too happy to list some of the policies he would enact, such as: “Shorter school days, less homework, and longer summers.”

He’s got our vote! I mean, not literally, his name is fucking Tristan for chrissakes, but you know what we mean.

While childish, these policies show a clear focus on enacting change. It’s just too bad that when one thinks of the name Tristan, one can only see a future to be a future of skinny jeans, bass guitars, bad tattoos, and a semi-serious nicotine addiction.

Many community members have voiced their anxieties about Tristan’s goal of Presidency, suggesting that a career selling weed outside the local movie theater might be just as rewarding and more within his grasp. Historically, American presidents have been named things like John, Abraham, and George. But Tristan won’t let any naysayers dissuade him. He’s going to ride this presidential dream all the way to when reality sets in around 17 or so. Go Tristan!

Tristan told me that he intends to keep pursuing this doomed dream in the coming years, much like his friend Tanner Harrison, who has the laughably unachievable goal of becoming a heart surgeon.

It’s an incredible feat of strength for such a young child. But ultimately, of course, as hard as things will be for young Tristan, one can only imagine it’ll be so much worse for the Tanners.

Old High School Friend Flattered to Receive Facebook Invite for Band’s Gig 600 Miles Away

MARIETTA, Ga. — Local IT manager Caleb Summers was taken aback earlier this week to receive a Facebook Event invitation from high school friend of Paul Willis, guitarist for the punk band The Spit Cups, for an upcoming performance in Baltimore.

“Man, Paul and I used to be super close as teens, but we fell out of touch. It was so considerate of him to invite me to his band’s show,” Summers said soon after declining the invite. “Unfortunately, Baltimore is just a few hundred miles too far away for me to make it, but it was so nice of him to invite me anyway. I kinda feel bad that we haven’t spoken in like ten years. Maybe this is his way of reaching out and trying to reconnect. I actually looked into booking a flight, I’ve never been to Baltimore before, that would be a good excuse to go. Oh well.”

Willis, however, didn’t see the invite as anything more than a blanket gesture.

“I just mass invited every single one of my Facebook friends,” Willis explained, looking through an old yearbook to try and remember who Summers was. “Oh, right, he’s the guy that got suspended from high school because he took a shit in a vending machine. Oh man, I really hope he actually doesn’t come. Before I moved to Baltimore like 8 years he kept messaging me that we should totally have a beer sometime at ‘B-dubs,’ which I guess is Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m really not surprised that he took this as a personal invitation to come see the show.”

Social Media expert Marianne Hamilton explains that some people misunderstand the meaning behind Facebook events.

“Almost 90% of all event invites to like a particular page or attend a show are random, blanket gestures meant for anyone desperate enough to actually look at them,” Hamilton, who asks that you like her own page Hamilton Social Practices, explained. “Some people misunderstand this and see it as an invitation sent to them personally, with actual thought and meaning behind it. This can lead to some incredibly award encounters and mixed messages.”

As of press time, Summer was drafting an apologetic message declining Willis’ invite and hopes they can meet up again one day if he’s ever in town.

Every The Strokes Album Ranked

The Strokes, everyone’s favorite contemporary rock band that surprisingly isn’t British. Their award-winning career has spanned 25+ years and 6 full-length albums. From iconic songs and stoic performances to predictable curmudgeonly on-stage rants, multiple solo careers, side projects, and most recently, a Grammy. Not bad for a group of boarding school punks, whose fathers include millionaire business moguls and famous songwriters, and whose mothers are literally beauty queens and international models. The Strokes are what happens when the Gallagher brothers have a wealthy, privileged childhood and for that, we’re thankful.

So whether you’re a fan or not, strap in for this rundown of their records. As always, if you don’t agree with this definitive ranking, please refer to the words of vocalist Julian Casablancas on “Razorblade” – “My feelings are more important than yours. Drop dead, I don’t care, I won’t worry.”

6. Comedown Machine (2013)

It’s ok to like this album, but if this is anywhere near your favorite Strokes record you are officially required to burn that Urban Outfitters band tee you’re wearing and attend an actual show. Past Strokes albums have been defined by the band’s consistency and signature thinned-out sound, but this time around an array of diverse production techniques and synths has buried the band’s real charm in much less thoughtful noise than listeners are used to. The record starts out as a spiritual successor to 2011’s “Angles,” with its bouncy synths and experimental elements, but ultimately delivers a less enjoyable experience. Like a third cup of tea made with the same leaves, this one will leave you feeling unfulfilled.

Play it again: “Welcome to Japan”
Skip it: “Chances”

5. Angles (2011)

Fresh off a lengthy hiatus, “Angles” sought to introduce a fresh new take on the band’s iconic sound by immediately going back in time 30 years. “Angles” sees the Strokes coming out of their hibernation sounding a lot like Minus The Bear for some reason and admittedly it works, at times… Despite a strong start, “Angles” quickly loses the plot as it descends into full ‘80s synth nostalgia where speculation of drum machine usage from their early days became reality. Fans and the band alike don’t seem to care for this one too much, seeing how it’s been largely absent for tour setlists.

Play it again: “Taken for a Fool” or, if you’re a purist, “Under Cover of Darkness”
Skip it: “Call Me Back”

4. Room on Fire (2003)

Picking up where their debut left off, “Room on Fire” has some definite heat, with iconic songs like “Reptilia,” but to be honest a lot of this record could have been “Is This It” B-sides. “Room on Fire” is still beloved, and for good reason, but like an old friend that shows up to a party empty-handed, it’s predictably good company with a few shortcomings. Some people will call this album 1B to their debut’s 1A, but those people are stuck in the past and they know it.

Play it again: “Reptilia”
Skip it: “Under Control”

 

3. The New Abnormal (2020)

Despite their longest break in releases to date, the band ultimately made the smart decision not to hang it up after “Comedown Machine,” henceforth referred to as “Letdown Machine.” In fact, “The New Abnormal” is the comeback album “Angles” wishes it was–giving the band’s second chapter something sturdy to stand on. But, like “Star Wars” before it, the second trilogy will never live up to the original. The band teamed up with legendary producer, the famously homeless-looking Rick Ruben, to capture an extremely well-put-together album that is equal parts nostalgic and modern with some fun self-referential moments to boot. We love this record because it essentially puts the prior two through rigorous distillation to produce one of their most palatable releases to date. Despite coming out in the darkest months of a pandemic, this record is a summer-y, beach-rock Strokes record if the band could ever have one. There are some melodies that border on annoying and childish, but overall this is a fun one that old-school and new-era Strokes fans can easily appreciate.

Play it again: “Brooklyn Bridge to Chrous”
Skip it: “Why Are Sundays So Depressing”

2. First Impressions of Earth (2006)

Dialing back the compression a little and driving up the tempos and distortion, this record takes what The Strokes do well and pours a 16oz coffee right down its throat. Tracks like “You Only Live Once” bring their classic sound in its highest form before yoloing (sorry) into some of their heaviest tracks ever recorded. “First Impressions of Earth” led to many discoveries including the popularity of the Arctic Monkeys, Julian Casabalanca’s solo career, and the band’s first Billboard Hot 100 hit with “Juicebox.” But despite the record’s notable energy boost, the center cuts actually drag a bit. The aptly titled “15 Minutes” sort of feels like it, and at nearly an hour in length, the album’s runtime is double that of the band’s other releases. Fortunately this is the only real criticism of the band’s most rock-centric album.

Play it again: “Heart In a Cage,” “Juicebox,” and the iconic “You Only Live Once” #yolo
Skip It: “Evening Sun”

1. Is This It (2001)

“Is This It” is a certified classic for a reason so we’re not going to sit here and risk crapping on it. The band struck gold with their debut release, delivering hit-after-hit and some of the genre’s most-iconic songs. Casual music fans will recognize 70% of these tracks–even if they mistakenly attribute one to some nineties one-hit wonder or The Killers. Hell, if a song from this album plays at a wedding everyone from your grandmother to your 5-year-old niece will legitimately “bop to it” and the only complaints will come from audiophiles and bedroom producers blathering on about telephone effects and envelope filters. Who invited them anyway? Like any good rock record, this one burst onto the scene unexpectedly and was the subject of not one, but TWO, scandals—leading to re-releases with alternate album art and the removal of “New York City Cops” from the tracklist following 9/11. All in a days work for this legendary piece of rock history.

Play it again: Good advice. If you were born after 2001, play it twice.
Skip it: If you’re too pretentious to enjoy a universally-beloved, genre-defining, iconic post-rock record.

A Full and Complete List of Every Band from Boston Other Than Aerosmith and Boston

When you think of Boston music, you may think of mainstream dad-rock like “Sweet Emotion” or “More Than A Feeling.” And it turns out that’s pretty much all Beantown has to offer. It’s not much of a music town. We compiled a list of every band that ever existed in Boston since the Revolutionary War, and it’s pretty sparse.

Converge

Metalcore godfathers Converge have been pummeling audiences with their frenzied cacophony for over 30 years. If you haven’t lost a tooth in a Converge pit, can you even call yourself a Boston hardcore fan?

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

One of the early third-wave ska bands to crossover to mainstream success, the Bosstones would likely still be playing sold out shows to huge crowds if Dicky hadn’t broken up the band by being an anti-vax meatball.

Mission of Burma

Who knew that post punk needed live tape manipulation? No one, at the time—but the loops and delays added an integral layer of surreality to Mission of Burma’s innovative, baroque songwriting.

The FU’s / Jerry’s Kids / Gang Green / SSD

Apologies for lumping these guys together, but we’re tight on space, and these crucial OG Boston hardcore knuckleheads are peas in a pod.

Slapshot

Are there any two things that Boston loves more than hardcore and hockey? Slapshot got their hardcore chocolate in your hockey fan peanut butter and became legends in the process.

Cave In

Cave In helped define metalcore, and then defied expectation by going all weird and proggy—and most surprisingly, they stayed good.

American Nightmare

These guys came out of the womb pissed off, and their dark themes were a refreshing antidote to the Youth Crew-inspired positivity that was on the rise at the time. Even the most posi kid would find it hard to deny the catharsis of lines like “Fuck everyone I’ve ever known” when shit goes south.

Pixies

We’re pretty sure Frank Black bought a private island based on “Where Is My Mind?” licensing alone. The reunited lineup has been chugging along for far longer now than their first run as a band, Deal or no Deal.

Siege

Siege’s global influence on grindcore is pretty astounding considering the original lineup only produced 20 minutes of recorded material. Four more songs were recorded in 1991 with Anal Cunt’s Seth Putnam on vocals (just mentioning this because we wanted to include Anal Cunt somewhere).

Isis

We were abducted by the NSA for discussing Isis shows at the Middle East nightclub online. It was worth the enhanced interrogations because these post-rock metal titans ruled. Now we’re pretty good friends with our kidnappers—though that might just be Stockholm Syndrome.

Have Heart

Despite only putting out two full-lengths, these straight edge heavy hitters had a huge impact on hardcore. They broke up too soon, but thankfully, a couple of the guys went on to form the awesome Fiddlehead.

Lemonheads

If you’re of a certain age, you’ve probably sobbed while holding a photo of your ex with “Into Your Arms” on repeat. While you may associate Lemonheads with fuzzy twee pop, their debut “Hate Your Friends” has serious Hüsker Dü energy.

Bane

We may be confused, but these are the guys that broke Batman’s back, right? Bane seems to be in an informal contest with The Who to see who can have more farewells and comebacks.

Dropkick Murphys

If there’s another Voyager mission, “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” will certainly be on the golden record they send into space to represent humanity. The song is so ubiquitous that Biden used it for walkout music, for Christ’s sake.

Negative FX

How’s this for influence? A young Fat Mike and his nascent band were such fans of Negative FX that they named their group NOFX in tribute.

The Freeze (honorable mention)

The Freeze might be from Cape Cod, but their massively influential title track on 1982’s “This Is Boston, Not L.A.” comp cements their place on the Mount Rushmore of Boston punk. Singer Clif Hanger’s extralegal antics embody punk’s disregard for authority and personal safety possibly more than anyone else on this list.

Study: 95% of Bras Have Old Popcorn in Them

ANN ARBOR— A new study out of the University of Michigan found that 95% of bras being worn worldwide contain a small handful of popcorn at any given time, researchers feeling very smug and a little hungry confirmed.

“We suspected that pretty much all bras, whether or not they are on a body, would have popcorn in them at all times,” said Natalie Katz, lead researcher. “And furthermore, that the popcorn would be stale and kind of gnarly. Thanks to this new research, we now know that bras can harbor popcorn for years, or even decades. It’s really breathtaking to behold. I’m just thrilled that our extensive study has paid off, as we were sorting through a lot of really smelly and deodorant stained bras for like, months, and some of those kernels could be practically carbon-dated.”

Regina Ferguson, a woman and self-identified slob, found the results of the study validating.

“It’s nice to finally have some data that legitimizes the struggle I’ve been dealing with since I was a teenager,” Ferguson said while trying to lick up a stream of spilled Diet Coke from her own cleavage. “For too long, we’ve lived in shame, hiding the fact that we have dozens if not hundreds of ancient popcorn kernels stuck to our sweaty tits. Now I know that statistically, it’s actually weird if you DON’T have old, deflated popcorn in your bra, like you’re some sort of food hoarder. I love this for me.”

Burt Pomeroy, Head of Marketing at bra manufacturer Noémie, said the bra industry has been working toward this goal for years.

“We take pride in our brasseries being the best way to trap delicious snacks, and make sure they never leave, no matter how many times you try to pull the bra away from your body to make all the crumbs fall out,” he said. “We’re also working on new and innovative ways for bras to achieve this even more effectively. For example, if a bra went all the way up to the wearer’s chin, we could really up the percentage of ‘kernelage’ as we call it. That’s just one idea.”

At press time, the University of Michigan was working on a follow-up study to determine the global number of dress pockets that contain old unwrapped gummy candy with lint all over it.

Five Ways To Make the Student Driver in Front of You Fail Their Test

There will come a time in your life when you’re driving and you suddenly realize that the car in front of you is being driven by a student driver during their final driving exam. The roads are already crowded enough, so here are five ways to make that student driver in front of you fail.

Mercilessly Tailgate Them
Tailgating is the perfect thing to do to cause the student driver to freak out. Did they anger you by doing something wrong? Not really, but they don’t know that. They’ve only driven forty hours under adult supervision. They’ll assume you have a good reason to be driving dangerously close to their bumper.

Pretend Every Action They Do Causes You Immense Anger
Road rage is the enemy of the competent driver and seeing someone get angry can be an unnerving experience. If you begin wildly gesticulating at every action the student driver undertakes, they’ll think that you’re moments away from pulling over and getting the tire iron you keep in the back. For extra effect, laugh maniacally as you gesture towards them incredulously.

Seduce Them With A Sexy Striptease
Student drivers are taught, and assessed, to constantly be checking their mirrors. That means if they want to pass, they cannot avoid looking back and seeing you perform a turn-of-the-century inspired burlesque striptease. Arouse them with your feather boa as you distract them from the road ahead.

Challenge Them To A Drag Race
Pull up next to the student driver at a red light. Rev your engine while staring at them. Eventually they’ll look over and get the idea that the first off the line is a hero and the last off the line is a zero. In all likelihood, they’ll let you make an ass of yourself and screech off the line when the light turns green. Fortunately, this would be an automatic fail since most driving instructors don’t like speed-averse cowards.

Invite Them To Join Your Crew Of Street Racing Rebels
At the end of the day, family is all that matters.

Juggalo Diagnosed With Insane Bowel Syndrome

FENTON, Mich. — Local dyspeptic Insane Clown Posse fan Lou Stroszek was relieved to finally receive an official diagnosis for his peculiar digestive issues, according to nauseated sources.

“My guts have been all fucked up for a long time, yo,” said Stroszek while stacking boxes of baby wipes in his hall closet. “It took me a while to find a doctor who even understood my condition. Most of those idiots tried to tell me my bowel was ‘irritated.’ Irritated, really? Juggalos don’t get mildly annoyed, we get insane. Same goes for our fuckin’ guts, man. I’m not walking around with an upset bowel. That motherfucker is straight up psychopathic. I’m talking about geysers of shit just shooting out of me without warning, and farts that last for like 15 minutes. And the pain—it felt like there was a little Hatchet Man running around in there just chopping away, you feel me?”

Stroszek’s roommate Brian Coolidge described how difficult it is to live with someone suffering from Insane Bowel Syndrome.

“I felt bad for my homie, sure, but the sounds and smells he was producing were really taking a toll on me, our friendship, and our shared toilet,” said Coolidge while steam-cleaning the couch cushions. “I was losing sleep due to the obscene noises coming from the bathroom all night. Maybe I was going nuts, but I swear his gut utterances started sounding like one of the killa clowns was on the mic. I’m as big an ICP fan as anyone, but no one wants to hear what amounts to a farted version of a Violent J verse, whoop whoop.”

Stroszek finally found some relief after being treated by Dr. Manfred Ewing, a gastroenterologist who specializes in rare, music-related alimentary illnesses.

“Insane Bowel Syndrome is a relatively new diagnosis,” explained the doctor. “Treatment involves regular flushing of the system with Faygo in a process similar to dialysis, as well as the application of powerful magnets. How do they work? We’re not exactly sure, but they seem to help. There are many rock n’ roll associated ailments that patients are finally getting proper help with. I’ve treated patients suffering from such diseases as Ulrich’s Ulcers, Fat Mike Fissures, and the very painful Billycorganitis.”

At press time, Stroszek had reportedly attended his first Gathering of the Juggalos in years without needing to wear a full-body diaper.

Every Jimmy Eat World Album Ranked

What do artists ranging from My Chemical Romance all the way to Ben Rector and fucking Taylor Swift have in common? They all fuck with Jimmy World–that’s what. And it’s easy to see why. Very few bands have been able to pull off both forging new genres and adapting their sound to the evolution of music without coming off as a gimmick as well as Mesa, Arizona’s hometown heroes Jimmy Eat World. Whether it’s helping invent emo altogether or inspiring a young and eager Mark Hoppus, Jimmy Eat World have been making an immense impact on the music scene since back in the ‘90s. While everyone blasted breakthrough hits like “The Middle” and “Sweetness” on our car radios back in high school, the rest of their discography doesn’t get nearly enough love. Of course every album isn’t full of total bangers that will make you want to fistfight your old gym teacher quite as much as songs like “Bleed American,” but there are still plenty of underrated jams in their collection that you could find yourself wanting to play on repeat. So, spare yourself the tears because I’m ranking every Jimmy Eat World album from worst to best.

10. Jimmy Eat World (Self-Titled) (1994)

If you’re not Neil Young, or one of the only other people still refusing to use Spotify in 2023, then you probably didn’t know this album even existed. It seems like the only platform to listen to it on nowadays is YouTube, which is great if you somehow like trying to decipher inaudible lyrics that are frequently interrupted by BetterHelp commercials. But for the rest of us that aren’t batshit insane, tracking down and listening to this album just feels like a chore. So the real question is–is it worth finding obscure ways to listen to “Jimmy Eat World (Self-Titled)” today? No. In fact–not at all. Jimmy Eat World appear to have gone out of their way to make sure that no one listens to this album, and it’s pretty easy to understand why. Guitarist and backing singer Tom Linton sings lead vocals on the entire album, except for one song that’s fortunately performed by future frontman Jim Adkins. While Tom’s great and all, his vocals are just not nearly up-to-par with Jim Adkins, and never will be. Sorry Tom, but you don’t sing weirdly angelic like Jim does.

Play it again: “Usery” (If you randomly have YouTube Premium)
Skip it: All other songs on the album

9. Damage (2013)

Breaking up is a hard thing to do, but breaking up as an adult? That’s fucking unbearable. Just ask Jim Adkins, who obviously was going through some deep shit when writing an entire album about adult breakups with 2013’s “Damage.” While its single “I Will Steal You Back” is more than listenable, some of the album’s use of mellow acoustic guitar makes too many songs struggle to stray away from sounding like easy listening. Look, I’ve got nothing against easy listening, but the subject matter of these songs is far from easy to listen to without getting depressed. Unless you unfortunately just had your heart ripped out unexpectedly after forming your life around someone and need a soundtrack to help cope with it, then this album is most likely not for you.

Play it again: “I Will Steal You Back”
Skip it: “Byebyelove”

8. Invented (2010)

“Invented” seems like the album where Jimmy Eat World tried to reinvent themselves but accidentally ended up playing it safe instead. While the album was supposed to showcase the band’s transition into new sounds, the resulting songs sadly came off as the band trying too hard to structure songs for radio play instead of being full of the emotion-powered big rock moments Jimmy Eat World fans were told to expect. Jim Adkins wrote this album solely referencing a series of photographs, which you think would make things more interesting. However, that also could be what made the songwriting come off as oddly boxed in. The album’s true saving grace is one of its singles, “My Best Theory,” which you might remember getting solid airplay in 2010. While it can be a bit repetitive, it’s still a banger nonetheless. There just isn’t enough variation in this album’s top tracks to give them the replayability that Jimmy Eat World’s greatest hits enjoy. To be fair, 2010 was a weird time to release a rock album though. For example, Maroon 5’s ear-bleeding “Moves Like Jagger” was somehow dubbed a “top rock” song that year.

Play it again: “My Best Theory”
Skip it: “Evidence”

7. Static Prevails (1996)

Do you like Sunny Day Real Estate? If so, then you might actually enjoy Jimmy Eat World’s attempt to emulate them in 1996 with “Static Prevails.” While this album has a die-hard following, there’s no way in hell it is even close to being one of Jimmy Eat World’s greatest releases. I know this might piss off the bizarre niche of people that for some reason have declared that this is Jimmy Eat World’s only good album, and that the rest of their work is just bubblegum pop bullshit. But just take the time to give it a listen today and you’ll realize that in this album Jimmy Eat World’s influences are far outweighing their artistry. Don’t get me wrong, “Thinking, That’s All” opens the album with a contagiously unhinged rage that I’ve struggled to find in the band’s other releases, but much of the album just does not meet the incredibly high standard the band set later in their career. While it’s fun to hear Jim and Tom trade off vocals occasionally, the end result is just not a cohesive album that you’ll want to play on repeat.

Play it again: “Thinking, That’s All”
Skip it: “Robot Factory”

6. Integrity Blues (2018)

Three years after the release of 2013’s heart-crushing “Damage,” Jim Adkins and the band seemed to truly get the stride back in their step. One of the later releases of Jimmy Eat World’s discography, 2016’s “Integrity Blues” features catchy jams shamelessly at the pop end of the rock spectrum to bait you into the album’s more intricate songs that offer more depth. This is truly a winning songwriting formula for Jimmy Eat World, as they have proven by this point with other albums like “Bleed American,” “Futures,” and “Chase This Light.” Some of the instrumentals and choruses in this album just downright sound like Jimmy Eat World at their best. From the mysteriously spacy guitar in “Through” to the crowd-belting “Sure and Certain,” this album demonstrates the band’s ability to experiment and expand their sound without abandoning what made us Jimmy Eat World fans in the first place.

Play it again: “Sure and Certain”
Skip it: “It Matters”

5. Surviving (2019)

Repeat after me–Jimmy Eat World is still releasing great music today. That feels weird to say right? Well, it shouldn’t! It’s a shame that the world struggles to view Jimmy Eat World beyond the 2000s, because 2019’s “Surviving” is truly one of their greatest albums. Maybe it’s because the world shut down for two years right after it dropped, but it really feels like this album came out yesterday, and the modernity of its sound and themes still feels more relevant than ever. The album’s 80s electro-inspired hit, “555,” plays on the fake phone number always used in pop culture. In the song, the band uses someone attempting to dial the nonexistent number to illustrate the struggle to keep going when life just isn’t working out, excellently portraying that feeling of frustration when your desperate pleas are going to an uncaring universe. The song’s great concept paired with Jim Adkins fully dolled up as a sad boy intergalactic supervillain also makes for the best music video the band’s released since “The Middle.” Needless to say, the pandemic that followed its release made the title track’s lyrics, “Yeah, You can still survive but not exactly live” and the album’s overall theme of hopelessness truly resonates with fans.

Play it again: “Delivery” and “All the Way (Stay)”
Skip it: “Recommit”

4. Chase This Light (2007)

Many Jimmy Eat World fans view “Chase This Light” as their magnum opus of albums, and admittedly I was confused as to why at first. Sure, I thought “Big Casino” was a rock solid jam with face-melting guitar and all, but can we genuinely compare this album to “Bleed American,” “Clarity,” “Futures,” or even the recent addictingly experimental “Surviving” without feeling like we’re taking crazy pills? However, after finally giving the album the attention it deserves with a full listen-through, I’ll be the first to confess that I was wrong. In fact–holy hell was I wrong. This album is so damn good that I no longer would feel the need to challenge someone to fisty-cuffs if they ranked it above “Bleed American.” Yeah–it’s surprisingly that fucking good. From the clever Death Cab for Cutie-esque songwriting of “Let It Happen” to the emotional power ballad that is “Dizzy,” this album is a damn fun time all the way through.

Play it again: “Dizzy”
Skip it: “Here It Goes”

3. Clarity (1999)

It’s hard to believe that “Clarity” is the album that got Jimmy Eat World dropped from Capitol Records. Apparently the label’s new CEO at the time was confused by its raw emotion and uniqueness from more pop-focused bands blowing up in the late ‘90s, making him disregard the band as not even worthy of being taken seriously. If this dude is still around today, then allow me to be the first person to offer him a nice roundhouse kick to the nuts, because “Clarity” is nothing short of a goddamn masterpiece. This album is just about as emo as it gets–so emo in fact, that it went on to be dubbed as one of most formative albums pioneering the whole fucking genre. While it was a commercial flop upon release, “Clarity” has lived on to build a well-deserved and borderline cult-like following. With powerhouse hits like the title track “Clarity,” “Lucky Denver Mint,” and “Crush” mixed in with emotionally raw and stripped ones like “Just Watch the Fireworks,” this can easily be considered one of the best Jimmy Eat World albums of all time–despite most people not even knowing it exists.

Play it again: “Clarity”
Skip it: “Goodbye Sky Harbour” (Because 15 minutes is just too damn long even for this die-hard Jimmy Eat World fan)

2. Futures (2004)

The pressure was real for Jimmy Eat World when it came time to make a follow-up to 2001’s “Bleed American.” Fortunately, they truly hit it out of the fucking park with 2004’s “Futures” though. This album definitely sounds the most alternative out of Jimmy Eat World’s discography, but the band somehow accomplished this while pulling from their quintessentially emo book of tricks that they perfected with “Clarity.” From opening with one of their best songs of all time, “Futures,” acting as a hopeful protest against the government to exploring the struggles of addiction in two completely different styles with the infectious lead single “Pain” and the tear-inducing “Drugs or Me,” this album feels as if Jim Adkins’ songwriting ability truly went full fucking super-Saiyan. Hardly anything sounds like filler on this album, which is especially impressive when you realize one of its top tracks, “23,” is a whopping seven minutes in length. Sure, Blink-182’s song about being 23 is way more popular, but does it make you tear up for seven whole fucking minutes? I didn’t think so.

Play it again: “Futures”
Skip it: “Night Drive”

1. Bleed American (2001)

And here we are at number one. We all saw this coming. Did you think I’d be some edgelord that ranks this album second, third, or dare I say–fucking fourth–like I’ve seen plenty of neckbeards do on the internet? Hell no. “Bleed American” is Jimmy Eat World’s most popular album for a reason god dammit, and I’m willing to die on this hill. I mean–come on! With the albums featuring their greatest hits like “Bleed American,” “The Middle,” “A Praise Chorus,” and fucking “Sweetness” (also known as one of the greatest songs of all time), what’s not to love? And let’s not forget about “Hear You Me.” Even if you don’t love that song, I can sure as shit guarantee your girlfriend does. As incredible as the rest of Jimmy Eat World’s music is, this album just has too many good fucking songs to not take the crown.

Play it again: “Sweetness” and “A Praise Chorus”
Skip it: Don’t fucking insult me

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