Press "Enter" to skip to content

Juggalo Diagnosed With Insane Bowel Syndrome

FENTON, Mich. — Local dyspeptic Insane Clown Posse fan Lou Stroszek was relieved to finally receive an official diagnosis for his peculiar digestive issues, according to nauseated sources.

“My guts have been all fucked up for a long time, yo,” said Stroszek while stacking boxes of baby wipes in his hall closet. “It took me a while to find a doctor who even understood my condition. Most of those idiots tried to tell me my bowel was ‘irritated.’ Irritated, really? Juggalos don’t get mildly annoyed, we get insane. Same goes for our fuckin’ guts, man. I’m not walking around with an upset bowel. That motherfucker is straight up psychopathic. I’m talking about geysers of shit just shooting out of me without warning, and farts that last for like 15 minutes. And the pain—it felt like there was a little Hatchet Man running around in there just chopping away, you feel me?”

Stroszek’s roommate Brian Coolidge described how difficult it is to live with someone suffering from Insane Bowel Syndrome.

“I felt bad for my homie, sure, but the sounds and smells he was producing were really taking a toll on me, our friendship, and our shared toilet,” said Coolidge while steam-cleaning the couch cushions. “I was losing sleep due to the obscene noises coming from the bathroom all night. Maybe I was going nuts, but I swear his gut utterances started sounding like one of the killa clowns was on the mic. I’m as big an ICP fan as anyone, but no one wants to hear what amounts to a farted version of a Violent J verse, whoop whoop.”

Stroszek finally found some relief after being treated by Dr. Manfred Ewing, a gastroenterologist who specializes in rare, music-related alimentary illnesses.

“Insane Bowel Syndrome is a relatively new diagnosis,” explained the doctor. “Treatment involves regular flushing of the system with Faygo in a process similar to dialysis, as well as the application of powerful magnets. How do they work? We’re not exactly sure, but they seem to help. There are many rock n’ roll associated ailments that patients are finally getting proper help with. I’ve treated patients suffering from such diseases as Ulrich’s Ulcers, Fat Mike Fissures, and the very painful Billycorganitis.”

At press time, Stroszek had reportedly attended his first Gathering of the Juggalos in years without needing to wear a full-body diaper.