LAS VEGAS — Lifelong straight edger Logan McGuire spent the majority of his future brother-in-law’s bachelor party convincing the stripper to go vegan, despite being surrounded by endless debauchery, confirmed multiple tanked groomsmen.
“I don’t know how anyone in this strip club can think about naked women when hundreds of thousands of cows are being brutally slaughtered every day, their blood is greasing the gears of capitalism. My sister’s fiance didn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the dancer at our table was surprisingly attentive and it’s been a while since I’ve been able to talk about the benefits of veganism without someone walking away mid-conversation,” said McGuire. “It cost me $200 to get my entire point across about how dairy cows are tortured on a daily basis, but I bet when she goes home tonight she’ll switch to soy milk.”
The dancer at the bachelor party’s booth noted that McGuire was the first client she ever met who paid her to not do her job.
“I’ve met a lot of gross dudes who’ve paid me to do weird shit, so this was a nice reprieve. Usually when men want to just talk they complain about their wives, but Logan was the first one to show me data about how factory farming is exacerbating climate change. I have to salute his commitment to explaining the evils of the farming industrial complex with my tits in his face,” said Candy Jones. “The other guys in his party were getting kind of annoyed, but honestly he was shelling out the most cash. I would’ve offered him a private dance but he refused. I think he was Mormon or something.”
McGuire’s soon-to-be brother-in-law was hoping for a more “traditional” stag party without any politics.
“I can’t wait to marry his sister, but I cannot wait even more to only see this guy on holidays. My best man really went out of his way to curate a neverending cavalcade of pussy and beer for three days straight, and Logan kept knocking the drinks out of our hands any time we walked by him. I’m trying to get this stripper to sit on my face but he keeps sidetracking her about how overfishing is destroying delicate ocean ecosystems,” said Bill Lawrey. “None of the other dancers will even come near us now. I can’t imagine the rant he’ll go on when I tell him we’re going out for cigars and steaks after this.”
As of press time, the party was asked to leave the club after McGuire insisted on giving Candy a copy of Earth Crisis’ “Destroy the Machines.”