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Study: 95% of Bras Have Old Popcorn in Them

ANN ARBOR— A new study out of the University of Michigan found that 95% of bras being worn worldwide contain a small handful of popcorn at any given time, researchers feeling very smug and a little hungry confirmed.

“We suspected that pretty much all bras, whether or not they are on a body, would have popcorn in them at all times,” said Natalie Katz, lead researcher. “And furthermore, that the popcorn would be stale and kind of gnarly. Thanks to this new research, we now know that bras can harbor popcorn for years, or even decades. It’s really breathtaking to behold. I’m just thrilled that our extensive study has paid off, as we were sorting through a lot of really smelly and deodorant stained bras for like, months, and some of those kernels could be practically carbon-dated.”

Regina Ferguson, a woman and self-identified slob, found the results of the study validating.

“It’s nice to finally have some data that legitimizes the struggle I’ve been dealing with since I was a teenager,” Ferguson said while trying to lick up a stream of spilled Diet Coke from her own cleavage. “For too long, we’ve lived in shame, hiding the fact that we have dozens if not hundreds of ancient popcorn kernels stuck to our sweaty tits. Now I know that statistically, it’s actually weird if you DON’T have old, deflated popcorn in your bra, like you’re some sort of food hoarder. I love this for me.”

Burt Pomeroy, Head of Marketing at bra manufacturer Noémie, said the bra industry has been working toward this goal for years.

“We take pride in our brasseries being the best way to trap delicious snacks, and make sure they never leave, no matter how many times you try to pull the bra away from your body to make all the crumbs fall out,” he said. “We’re also working on new and innovative ways for bras to achieve this even more effectively. For example, if a bra went all the way up to the wearer’s chin, we could really up the percentage of ‘kernelage’ as we call it. That’s just one idea.”

At press time, the University of Michigan was working on a follow-up study to determine the global number of dress pockets that contain old unwrapped gummy candy with lint all over it.