My Spotify Wrapped Does Not Define Me but It Does Illuminate My Declining Mental Health

Posted on by Lana Kim

As someone who tends to curate playlists, I always get excited to see my end of the year Spotify Wrapped, because it typically just shows my listening trends and what artists especially spoke to me. This year, it was a little different—a little more foreboding.

While everyone was excitedly sharing their minutes listening to Taylor Swift and Doja Cat, I was staring down the barrel of 50k+ minutes of listening to some of the most hellishly depressing and anguished music I could have possibly queued, in the most upsetting order imaginable. Why didn’t anyone ask how I was doing when I listened to “No Shade In The Shadow Of The Cross” by Sufjan Stevens, followed by Scotland by McCafferty (a canceled band, mind you)?

If that wasn’t enough, my Spotify recommended an “updated” list of antidepressants I should try. I’m not sure anything could be more effective than lamotrigine for me, and the suggestion that I try Abilify is downright insulting. What part of my listening history suggests that I need an SSRI? Is it the playlist consisting entirely of Pinegrove? Foxing? God fucking forbid, Elliot Smith??

The most baffling statistic was July 17th being my most active day on Spotify. I had to wrack my brain to figure out what could have been going on that day, until I remembered I had a particularly fucking exhausting phone call with a family member, and had to decompress by alternating between white noise and “Class of 2013” by Mitski. I did cry for several hours and I’m unsure of how Spotify knew that.

If anyone else was given a list of mental health professionals in their area in lieu of a city with music taste similar to mine, I would love to know.

Ten Underrated Albums From SideOneDummy Records That Will Make You Feel Stupid for Ignoring

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Los Angeles-based punk/alternative label SideOneDummy was founded in 1995, the year that Rancid, Alanis Morissette, The Presidents of the United States of America, Foo Fighters, and GG Allin broke, and has released hundreds of records you are likely a fan of or and others that you’ve yet to discover because you’re truly out of touch and time. We listed ten underrated albums from S1D in alphabetical order that demand your attention and bands like The Gaslight Anthem, MxPx, the now-canceled Anti-Flag, Flogging Molly, and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are disqualified from entry simply for being too big. You know we’re right; too bad, so sad. This list is a diverse calculated strategic move to recruit you in our corner but we anticipate comments with inquiries and statements in the comments like, “Why did you leave (x shitty band) off of your list? You suck.”

CLIFFDIVER “Exercise Your Demons” (2022)

Let’s get right to business with the newest studio effort to be mentioned here, CLIFFDIVER’s excellent LP, “Exercise Your Demons”: At just nine tracks and under thirty minutes, Tulsa, Oklahoma’s all-caps punk act CLIFFDIVER successfully rock the listener to exhaustion on their debut album and leave said brilliant human clamoring for more. Opening a record in 2022 with a Skatune Network collaboration is quite a statement, but “New Vegas Bomb” succeeds at satisfying even the most bitter of bitter hearts. Formed in the late 2010s, CLIFFDIVER has hit the ground running for a minute, and even played a set at 2022’s Riot Fest that you likely missed due to waiting in line for overpriced PBR at a bitter kiosk. We all know how the story ends, and we hope that CLIFFDIVER sticks around long past its ending. In closing, find a better closing song title than “IKEA Strikes Back”.

The Dan Band “The Dan Band Live!” (2005)

Hold on, we bet that you didn’t think we’d list a live album and/or cover act here, but we also surmise with every stretch of our being that you’re a doofus. Los Angeles, California’s The Dan Band initially warmed our cold/bitter hearts in the movie film “Old School,” and when we got wind that they were playing a show in LA, we had to go, and boy were we impressed. There are few male fronted cover bands that uniquely put a stamp on female performed pop songs as well as TDB. Sadly Spotify doesn’t have the whole “The Dan Band Live!” record in its original form, but it has nearly twenty-four minutes for you to check out instead of an episode of “Velma.” In a unique flex, Dan Finnerty, frontman for The Dan Band, is the husband of Kathy Najimy from “Sister Act” and “Hocus Pocus!”

Gogol Bordello “Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike” (2005)

If you can list a band more unique and genre-blending than the Lower East Side of Manhattan’s Gogol Bordello, you’re lying through your teeth, but please spout your oh-so-cool deception in the comments. Lead singer Eugene Hutz turned heads in “Everything Is Illuminated,” but moved bodies with the Bordello. Like The Dan Band above, Gogol kills it in recordings, but slays many more at each of their live shows. Don’t believe me? YouTube a show right now! Still not sold and more into “quality” recordings? Watch their video for “Start Wearing Purple” and try not to get energized/rock out. The most pedestrian way to describe GB is to imagine if Borat Margaret Sagdiyev sang for an aggressive folk punk act. A much better metaphorical way is to imagine sweat was combined with grit, strings, accordions, and a plethora of percussion.

Jeff Rosenstock “WORRY.” (2016)

Before the indie G-d (intentionally hyphenated) not named Matt Cardona, Long Island’s pride and joy rock and roller, Jeff Rosenstock, started his kickass and prolific solo career, he also moonlit in The Arrogant Sons of Bitches and Bomb the Music Industry! While both acts are amazing, Mr. Rosenstock’s second solo effort “WORRY.” is a punk/indie masterpiece that trumps all, and just hits all of the right notes. Even though we still wish that this record was one long track a la NOFX’s single “The Decline,” it still rules, and beggars shouldn’t be choosers. Also, at just under thirty-eight minutes across seventeen, YES, seventeen, songs, the album isn’t too much of an investment of your time, AND more than half of its tracks are under two minutes. We truly worry about you if you don’t enjoy this full-length, and we will hold it against you.

The Lees of Memory “Sisyphus Says” (2014)

If you wished that the glorious, glorious four-piece known as Superdrag listened to a hell of a lot more shoegaze and even more My Bloody Valentine, then The Lees of Memory’s LP “Sisyphus Says” is right up your alley and then some. Featuring two members of, you guessed it, Superdrag, and the drummer for Epic Ditch, which also featured Superdrag frontman John Davis, The Lees of Memory fuzz and buzz through eleven tracks of grandeur that will even please the most hipstery of hipster hipsters by more than a landslide. Open your arms, hearts, stars, and seas to this gem of a record, which may be the most underrated/underappreciated effort in this sterling piece, and possibly the entire history of SideOneDummy.

Microwave “Much Love” (2016)

Grunge may have died a cold-hearted death in the mid-’90s but Atlanta, Georgia’s Microwave’s blend of pop rock resurrected said genre in some form in 2016, for sure! Featuring a throwback-esque surprisingly happy photo album cover, the band showcased personality and spunk over the course of its ten all killer no filler tracks with one word titles that all lean unsurprisingly negative. Much love to you if you bumped this in the mid-2010s and even more so if you do it now! In addition, SO many of your favorite bands have shown, err, love to the band in support slots like Jimmy Eat World, Motion City Soundtrack, The Wonder Years, and Bobby Taylor & the Vancouvers, so the band is officially stamped with the seal of approval by all or none of you. The band’s Pure Noise Records follow-up “Death is a Warm Blanket” rules as well, leather daddies/mommies.

PUP “The Dream Is Over” (2016)

One of the hardest working bands in rock, and if you need proof, Google their tour history since inception, Toronto, Ontario’s PUP released their breakout LP “The Dream Is Over” to critical acclaim in inferior publications worldwide. Although the band has been on several labels, this effort is their most superior and their prior, PUP’s self-titled debut studio effort is their second best, and was re-released on SideOneDummy in 2014 after initially coming out the year prior on Canadian indie label Royal Mountain Records, former home to White Reaper, Black Angel, Orville Peck, and Orville “Punk AF” Redenbacher. Fun opinion that doubles as a fact, depending upon who is reading: This particular album’s cover is a strong and badass statement. Also, PUP is a better name than Topanga, even if her “Boy Meets World” character is a saint.

Rozwell Kid “Precious Art” (2017)

You may have caught this underrated band, Rozwell Kid, on tour with the aforementioned PUP, or you might have discovered them because of their song with the best title ever, “UHF On DVD.” Regardless of which two of those sterling ways, or a completely different one altogether, brought Martinsburg, West Virginia’s smart grungy power pop band Rozwell Kid into your minds and hearts, one can easily say that the four-piece is WV’s best band, and your older brother Samuel’s favorite. Art can be precious for anyone with eyes, but for Rozwell Kid, Wendy’s, their trash cans, their videos on cold drinks, and, of course, their Frosty Dairy Desserts showcase an exquisite outlook/attitude/lot on life/musical effort. As of press time, it’s been six years since this, their latest full-length studio album, so we are pining for more with bated breath and MadTV YouTube clips featuring Alex “Lois Griffin” Borstein.

The Smooths “No Brakes” (1998)

We here unironically love our third wave ska like a milkshake, and if you’re lactose intolerant, a Tofutti “ice cream” bar, and Baltimore, Maryland’s The Smooths executed a very solid take on the genre seemingly effortlessly, but never actually rose to the lofty heights of peers in the previously mentioned ska-punk juggernaut acts The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, and two-tone superstars Cradle of Filth. This is the only ’90s release here, and thus is the oldest mentioned, but sadly the band split last century, shortly after this, their second particular LP, hit stores, unintentionally making this album title turn from its original name “No Brakes” into “Long Break.” Take a look, ladies and gentlemen, like we said about Rozwell Kid above, we long for big decisions like making at least one more, so our hearts can return to the smooth dragon. Look out!

Title Fight “Floral Green” (2012)

Formed in 2003, Kingston, Pennsylvania’s Title Fight, took their sweet time to make their debut LP “Shed” eight years later, which is the combined amount of time a smart doctor takes to go through undergrad and med school, and released their polarizing sophomore full-length studio effort “Floral Green.” : YouTube says “This video may be inappropriate for some viewers” and the conglomerate is right, but it could have said what “South Park” said as well in that “The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.” Watch at your own risk, especially around small and/or dumb children. Although the band alienated some and impressed many with their shoegaze dream pop ANTI- Records follow-up “Hyperview,” “Floral Green” remains their most superior release. Fun closing fact: Will Yip killed it here/captured the band’s raw sound expertly.

Woman Struggling to Adapt to New Polyamorous Lifestyle After Cutting Bangs Too Short

Posted on by Alexandra Houle

DENVER — Local woman Margaret Phelmer is reportedly struggling to embrace her new polyamorous lifestyle following a disastrous haircut, concerned sources confirm.

“I went to a new hairdresser for a bang trim, and I guess that was my first mistake, because she cut the damn things three inches above my eyebrows,” claims Phelmer. “The next thing I knew, I was using terms like ‘primary partner’ and ‘ENM.’ I woke up the next morning to find out I had signed myself up for a polyamory weekend retreat, with rules written down my forearms in Sharpie. ‘Always wear condoms…no dating within the friend group…don’t ask, don’t tell.’ It felt like a Christopher Nolan film if Nolan had avoidant-attachment issues and no sense of self.”

Phelmer’s fiance Ryan Taylor has also been struggling to adjust to the changes in his relationship dynamic since the haircut.

“Look, I can deal with the haircut itself. I mean, I took Fem Lit in college. But these midweek dates with men named Skeet and River? It’s getting unconscionable,” Taylor shared. “I tried to talk some sense into Margaret, convince her that this is just a phase, that she’d be happier at home watching some good-old-fashioned cheating on ‘The Crown’ with me, but she said the only thing that will be oppressed in our household from now on will be her forehead. I’ve even considered purchasing some headbands to speed along this process but apparently that makes me a ‘misogynistic bootlicker keen to fall in with the indoctrinated masses.’ This has to end when her hair grows out, surely.”

Hinge spokesperson Susan Rogers claims Phelmer and Taylor’s predicament is not an uncommon phenomenon, and one not likely to end any time soon.

“We actually acquire 94% of our polyamorous app users this way,” said Rogers. “One fatal snip of the scissors, an accidental flick of the wrist with the clippers, and male, female, and nonbinary users alike will download one or more dating apps like a compulsion. They’ll scour our app for equally idealistic liberals with competitively bad haircuts and then lie to their primary partners about their condom use. Frankly, they’ve become our bread and butter because they always come back. At least, until the grow-out stage is complete.”

At press time, Phelmer could last be observed measuring her fringe and calculating the amount of time before she could let her three secondary partners down easily.

The Top 20 Fleetwood Mac Songs Your Mom Will Absolutely Screw Up Trying To Remember

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Congratulations, you’re back at a family gathering and tolerating it as long as you can. Time for your mom to grab that karaoke mic, bust out the pinot grigio and hit the living room floor. With a hostage crowd of cousins and visiting siblings, she’s just happy to have “all her ducks” home. This wonderful woman is ready to cut a rug and sing along loudly to her favorite Fleetwood Mac songs. Only problem? She will absolutely fuck up every single lyric. Don’t even try correcting her, it’s not worth it. She’ll only make the argument far worse. Here are 20 songs you’ll be hearing interpreted in a new warped fashion, whether you want to or not. (Listen along with the playlist)

“Rhiannon”

“Rhiannon flies like a bat in the night,” your mom sings, and it’s off to a solid start. Impressively, she’s already stumbled on the very first line of this track from their self-titled 1975 release, also the first Fleetwood Mac album with Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks. Retro dance instincts kick in as she does groovy “peace fingers” across her eyes. She invites you to join along, but you politely smile and wave, wondering how long this has to go on for.

“The Ledge”

You wonder why your mom throws on this oddity from their 1979 album ‘Tusk.’ For one thing, it’s way too fast. Nobody else can sing along. And furthermore, your mom begins playing spoons with the salad tongs. Wow, she’s actually really good. Has she been practicing? Your mom is an incredible spoon player. Sure, everyone contains multitudes, but this is a surprising wrinkle.

“The Chain”

Oh boy, she’s doing an ambitious one. You don’t know how many times she’s thrown 1977’s ‘Rumours’ on, it was like wallpaper in your house. In fact, it literally is – she’s framed the LP. You’re surprised how hard she’s stomping her heels, almost cutting into the wood. “And if you don’t see me now / You will never see me again / I can still hear them singing / You will never break my chain!” This is one where most of the words are half-mumbled until she gets to the chorus, which is still half-mumbled.

“I Loved Another Woman”

Your mom always talked about the band’s blues roots, specifically the “Peter Green” era. What helps as a crash course is throwing on Fleetwood Mac’s first album, 1968’s ‘Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac.’ Uh-oh…. she’s using that blues voice again, the one that veers on problematic. You wave at her to stop, but she thinks it’s encouragement and only leans in.

“Everywhere”

Your mom loves the Christine McVie-penned smash hit, singing it to herself while driving or pouring herself another glass of red. “Do you hear them calling? / What’s your name? / Da-da-dabada-baba, don’t know what to say” she sings, once again completely messing up the lyrics until the very memorable chorus. This is also one where she closes her eyes and dances romantically, slightly dangerous and concerning since the Roomba is gliding around.

“Jewel Eyed Judy”

As your mom digs deep into Fleetwood Mac’s discography, you’re somewhat amazed at how bottomless her bench of knowledge is on this band. Pulled from their 1970 album Kiln House, she mumbles something about this being the last album to feature founding guitarist Jeremy Spencer. She can remember this fact, yet forgets your birthday. Thanks Mom!

“Dreams”

“Thunder only happens when it’s lightning! / Players only hate you when they’re dying!” your mom joyously sings. Bless her, it’s way past trying to correct her now or hand over a phone with lyrics. Still, this song is another undeniable banger, one she turns up so loud that the neighbors are forced to join the listening party. John McVie’s steady bass rumbles through the block. Somehow the neighbors don’t mind, this tune is so unavoidably catchy. During this song you try to slip your mom a glass of water for hangover avoidance, but she takes one sip and throws it back, complaining that “it’s just water.”

“I Know I’m Not Wrong”

Is there a title that encapsulates your mom better than this song? At this point she’s barely keeping up with the rhythm, now pretty tipsy and dancing with a terrified corgi. She’s slinging appetizers at relatives watching football and doing “finger guns” at new guests while half-singing along to this jaunty track. You want to stop her, but this evening will provide your extended family with gossip for decades to come, like nourishment in winter.

“Prove Your Love”

Founding namesake member Mick Fleetwood comes in with the drums on this groovy riff from 1974’s ‘Heroes Are Hard to Find.’ Your mom makes lingering eye contact with too many people at the party, almost a tacit message that family members don’t appreciate her. Uh-oh, she’s pointing and wants someone to sing along. Unfortunately nobody else in the family actually knows this one, but people politely smile and wait for her to target another corner of the room.

“Rollin’ Man”

And suddenly, the party is rolling to a deep cut from an album you haven’t listened to quite enough, 1968’s ‘Mr. Wonderful.’ This is such a shot of blues that you want to pack and move to Chicago. Also moving would help yourself live down this embarrassing moment, as your mother has now climbed the kitchen counter. Though you should probably get her down, she’s stepping in the deviled eggs.

“Red Rover”

The haunting repetitive chorus doesn’t lend itself to singalongs, but the fast strumming makes your mom want to dance on her tiptoes. She flies around the room, tugging at beards and pulling on ponytails. Why is she in such a buoyant mood? She is also the only person you know that stans Fleetwood Mac’s 2003 album ‘Say You Will,’ their last album of original music. Did someone spike her potato salad with LSD?

“Gypsy”

The angelic backing vocals and nostalgic lyrics get you every time. However much you dislike the cover of 1982’s ‘Mirage,’ you have to admit that your mom has generally solid taste in music – this tune is such an earworm. Also, this title aligns with her conservative political beliefs, since she “hates PC culture.” Whenever asked to use more updated language regarding the Roma people or stop using this word as an abbreviated verb, she just laughs and sings this. You imagine that her fondness for this song grows stronger each year because of the poorly-aging title.

“Like Crying”

You didn’t realize how much your mom enjoys the early Fleetwood Mac era as she selects this bluesy 1969 track from their album ‘Then Play On.’ After five straight glasses of pinot grigio, she actually begins crying, complaining that nobody appreciates her. Family members awkwardly shuffle into other rooms and you quickly change the song to hopefully get your mom stomp-clapping away in no time.

“Landslide”

Uh-oh, here come the waterworks. This song devastates your mom. You have to admit, it’s profoundly moving. And like all Fleetwood Mac songs, your mom will completely fuck this one up: “You took my love, yeah you took it down / you climbed a mountain but ya turned around / and I see my reflection in the something-something hills / But the landslide will bring me around!” She has a lit lighter in the air, waving it back and forth, the flame licking the curtain.

“For Your Love”

Alright, now it’s picking up pace again. Whoa, this track has bongos? Let’s roll. From the under-appreciated 1973 album ‘Mystery To Me,’ this tune gets your mom swinging her hair so hard that it gets caught in the chandelier. No matter – she continues raging on, crashing through a sliding door screen, knocking over condiments near the barbecue. Concerned family members ask you if your mom is feeling alright as she belts these lyrics, suddenly climbing an oak tree outside.

“Never Going Back Again”

Your mom sings this ballad as a taunt while you beg her to come down from the oak tree. People are beginning to stare. Instead, she strums an air guitar to this twangy joyous tune. The speakers are now turned off. She is singing acapella, still swapping in lyrics of her own invention. It veers on modern performance art.

“Save Me A Place”

As everyone is called inside for dinner, your mom climbs down, screaming this song. It’s a more mellow laidback tune that she somehow makes frenetic. She’s specifically talking about a “place” at the dinner table. Unfortunately, nobody wants to sit next to her since she smells like tree sap, cheap wine, and won’t stop fucking singing Fleetwood Mac.

“Dissatisfied”

OK, now your mom is just being rude. She uses this song to express dissatisfaction with the meatloaf, dissatisfaction with the green beans, just dissatisfaction all around. The 1973 album ‘Penguin’ that spawned this track suddenly comes on from a Bluetooth speaker that she snuck in. You’re honestly surprised that your mom knows how to use Bluetooth.

“Go Your Own Way”

You are shown the door and asked not to return until your mom calms down. She begins shouting the verses to this megahit. And of course she’s singing it completely wrong. “I will go my own way! (Go my own way) / You can call me on / Some other funky day!” she sings, jumping up and down in the street. It takes another twenty minutes to get her inside the car.

“Tusk”

Uh-oh. Your mom has entered a “Tusk”-hole. She’s replaying over and over what is arguably one of Fleetwood Mac’s most audacious releases. She’s even doing all of the side goblin chant voices. You drive on, trying to get her home safely. It’s cringe-worthy. It’s distracting. But it’s love – she is your mother, after all. Who else tucked you in while absolutely destroying Fleetwood Mac lyrics? You fondly reminisce and notice your mom replaying “Tusk” one more time – wait, where did she get that flask from?

Go listen to the playlist:

Millennial Can’t Afford Mid-Life Crisis

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

SOUTHBRIDGE, Mass.–Newly 40-year-old man Gregory Chaudhari is experiencing a new type of mid-life crisis like many others his age–the inability to afford one.

“In my 20s, I realized I wouldn’t have whole MTV Cribs lifestyle, but I figured if I worked hard, maybe when I grew up I could travel, get the cars I wanted, and a home arcade,” Chaudhari said, sitting in his Subaru Forester outside of his daughter’s gymnastics lesson. “When my dad was my age, he freaked out, got a hairpiece, signed up for the Boston Marathon, and bought a Harley. But he worked at the same company for 35 years and owned a house. I still have student loans and only got health insurance last year.”

Chaudhari’s wife Becky says she understands the urges of middle age and is trying to be supportive.

“It took us years of being gouged by landlords and lowballed by bosses to finally scrape enough together to find a place we could afford and start our family,” she said between teaching music classes. “Greg’s smart enough to not waste money on a new car, but even a younger haircut, buying books on existentialism, or signing up for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is out of our budget. I can’t even see him having an affair, because he definitely doesn’t have the time considering the kids’ activities and his second job unloading trucks at the Market Basket.”

Experts report that this situation is not unique amongst millennials.

“People who started their careers around the turn of the millennium have dealt with a post-9/11 economy, the 2008 financial crisis, and COVID-19,” said University of Minnesota Economics Professor Eileen Hong from the office she shares with four graduate assistants. “Millennials never had the financial opportunity to settle into a stagnant suburban lifestyle that led previous generations to buy sports cars and sleep with their secretaries. Even those who scrapped and saved to no longer live paycheck to paycheck still won’t have the opportunity to say, backpack across Europe, because it took fucking forever to get tenure.”

At press time, Chaudhari announced that his family will be going on the Flogging Molly Salty Dog Cruise in 2025, in addition to seeing in-laws in Boca Raton.

Punk Dog Only Eats Doc Martens

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk dog Rex Pistols reportedly refuses to eat anything but Doc Martens boots, puzzled sources confirmed.

“Hell no, I’m not eating anything that represents a capitalistic consumer mentality, man,” Rex barked. “That includes canned wet shit marketed as ‘dog food,’ and torture devices like stiletto pumps—a damning invention created with the male gaze in mind. It’s just another way to control the masses, dude. It’s disgusting and I’d much rather eat my own diarrhea than the tears of the oppressed. In fact, I have done just that.”

Rex Pistol’s owner Jeff Martinez is a proud supporter of all that Rex stands for ideologically, but misses his favorite shoes.

“It all started with my first pair of Docs,” said Martinez longingly. “I thought he just liked the smell of my sweaty feet, but it was so much more than that. They seemed to resonate with him in a way that other shoes didn’t. It just sucks that I’ve had to buy three new pairs in a month, the cost is really starting to kill me, but even worse, my feet are torn to shit because I keep having to break in new pairs. He won’t eat anything else—I’ve tried feeding him roast chicken and a rare steak, but he just flips the bird at me before swatting it at the wall. He also says he can’t fully enjoy his kibble without a nice ‘leather aftertaste.’”

Veterinarian Albert Hart recommended Rex limit his consumption of the boots for health reasons.

“He’s nearing age 35, in dog years of course, and he really needs to start watching what he eats,” Hart said. “I can tell he’s passionate about more causes than any other dog that comes into my office, but Rex is one of our toughest patients. We have to sedate him anytime we take his anal temperature. He usually just bites me anytime I talk about limiting animal by-products like leather Doc Martens. One time I told him to try replacing them with a healthier vegan leather Doc and he pulled a knife on me.”

At press time, Rex’s girlfriend Greta Van Fleas lovingly referred to him as a “bad boy,” despite the K-9 community’s negative associations with the phrase.

Trauma Dump? This Judge Keeps Complaining About All the Shit I Allegedly Did

Posted on by Doug Kolic

If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that life is precious and we need to protect our mental health at all costs. People barely have enough time to deal with their own issues, let alone have the bandwidth to sit through someone else’s bitch session. Like this judge here, who’s been blabbering about his work problems and how my presence in this courtroom has made a “mockery of the judicial system.” Tell it to a therapist, dude.

I’m sure the jury would love nothing more than to call it a day and head home for the weekend, but instead, they have to sit through more of this judge’s lectures about my conduct and the additional laws I’ve allegedly broken while representing myself. I’m so tired of his bullying that I’m seriously thinking about requesting a mistrial, as soon as they loosen these restraints and take this stupid spitguard out of my mouth.

If anyone deserved to be tased by that large bailiff it’s this clown in the black robe, not me. You know what’s worse than having a defendant pretend to call a sidebar just to take a swipe at the judge? Having to listen to him whine about how I’m a “danger to society” and deserve to be “locked up like a dog.” Relax Drama Whore, my bite barely broke your skin, so I’m pretty sure the Hep C test will come back negative.

Whether you’re forced to listen to a colleague vent about their job, or you’re stuck listening to a friend endlessly complain about their love life, it’s important to put up a wall and protect yourself from those negative vibes. That’s why I’ve decided enough is enough and I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs to drown out this energy vampire with a gavel who just won’t shut up about me and my behavior. Like, obsessed much?

At the end of the day, our biggest commitment should be to ourselves, and not to people who see us as nothing more than opportunities to dump their bullshit onto. It’s important to stand up for yourself and clearly set boundaries otherwise you’ll never be free. Which is what I’m planning on doing with the help of this shiv, as soon as I can wiggle out of these zip ties and flush the pepper spray from my eyes.

Lord of the Rings Fan Impressed by Swiftie Lore

Posted on by Peter Woods

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local Lord of the Rings Fan Eldridge Carey has shared his overwhelming appreciation for “the detail and nuance” within current Taylor Swift lore, confirmed sources close to the self-identified nerd who has not stopped talking about this new obsession.

“At first I wasn’t impressed with Swift’s lack of references to medieval music,” said Carey. “But then she mentioned how she heard Gandalf’s voice in her head every time she re-recorded one of her songs and I knew I needed to learn a little bit more. I started by mapping the character arcs of each boyfriend and immediately recognized the fully realized hero’s journey that Swift has embarked upon. And when I got to the symbolism of the cardigans and friendship bracelets, I was sold.”

Fans of the singer have shown support for the new recruit, but also remain skeptical of his ability to understand Swiftie lore.

“This guy is clearly out of his depth,” said Taylor Swift Fan Discord moderator Deanna Patel. “Tolkien is a hack, the rubbish that guy crapped out can’t touch the rich universe that Taylor already created with her first album alone. And it’s done nothing but grow and evolve. This lore spans decades, with more characters and plot twists than he can even begin to comprehend. Let’s be honest: the road to the lakes of Windermere where poets go to die is paved with the bodies of people who can’t keep up, and I just saw a pothole that needs filling.”

While Patel’s warning may seem severe, other experts have also relayed a sense of caution to the new fan

“Starting from square one is never easy, but it’s nearly impossible when becoming a Swiftie later in life,” said Elise Vaughan, the Cedrick McMillan Professor of Literary Studies at Western Michigan University. “To understand Taylor Swift is to solve a puzzle within a puzzle within a puzzle. Unlocking the secrets of the albums is only the start. Now, the entire NFL is intertwined with the Saga of Swift and every team holds its own clues and deeper meanings. There’s at least 6 to 7 dissertations worth of untangling to do, so just waltzing in like this will never go well.”

Ignoring these warnings, Carey continued to explore Swiftie lore on his own but is off to a rocky start, as reports have surfaced claiming that Swifties ran Carey completely off social media for saying he “liked the maple wood paneling on the Midnights cover” when, clearly, it is cedar.

69 Christmas Songs Ranked By How Horny They Are

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

The holidays are a time of family, reflection, and raw-doggin’ in the back of the sleigh. And what better mood music to get your nipple juices flowing than the musical genre that perfected the double-entendre!? If you think about it, sex really is the reason for the season, so here are 69 Christmas songs ranked by how horny they are.

69. Eartha Kitt “Santa Baby”

Nothing says, “All I want for Christmas is St. Nick’s lap meat,” like the thirstiest song you’ll hear in the grocery store. You were shopping for frozen shrimp, but now you’re horny for men with white beards, too. Eartha Kitt knew what she wanted, and that confidence is HOT.

68. Gene Autry “Frosty the Snowman”

There’s something about being ghosted by a dude who can’t afford to dress himself that really turns people on. Frosty may not stay long enough to know your name, but he knew how to look good on his way out the door. They say you’ll never forget finding your first magic silk hat that turns a lifeless pile of snow into a sex machine that will disappear the second after he nuts.

67. John Lennon “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”

This dysfunctional Christmas song protesting the Vietnam War has the sexual tension of an ill-timed “u up?” text. Sure, you’re tired, but isn’t it nice to know that the couple you met candle shopping is thinking about you? Begrudgingly pop a boner pill and be ready to drive the sleigh because some guy is expecting you to rail his girlfriend in less than thirty minutes.

66. Dean Martin “Winter Wonderland”

Walkin’ in a winter wonderland used to be the code word my professor would use when her husband was out of town. Every time I hear this song, I think of her leathery musk, her thick, white back hair, and how erotic it was to help her grade papers at the dining room table instead of visiting my family for the holidays.

65. Gene Autry “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

Rudolph was a submissive sideshow freak who flourished when his dom lifted those sweaty black boots just high enough to let a little red light out. So hot.

64. Bing Crosby “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”

I love coming home for Christmas because my step-sister is too hot, bro. Everybody loves to make fun of that Folgers commercial, but that is my literal wet dream. I’m so home for Christmas that I just live at home with my mom and step-dad the other 364 days of the year, too. It’s weird she doesn’t come over any day other than Christmas, but one day I’ll get her to say, “You’re my present,” and put a bow on me. And then we’ll totally bone.

63. Bobby Helms “Jingle Bell Rock”

When you spend most of your time off stage in sex clubs, the weather isn’t the only thing snowin’ and blowin’–if you know what I’m sayin’. Legend has it that Bobby Helms would giddy up jingle horse and pick up his feet with a bridle and saddle anywhere, any time if you asked for a ride in his one-horse sleigh.This man was very horny for horses.

62. Beach Boys “Little Saint Nick”

There’s something about a four-foot, greased up Santa Claus running wild through my no-rules, bisexual cuckfest of a relationship that really gives me the Christmas spirit. The Beach Boys flexed their kink pride in JFK’s America, and I am there for it every time my wife buys Vaseline and starts kissing mall Santas.

61. Elvis Presley “Blue Christmas”

This calamitous sex jam sounds like it was performed by a drunk raccoon, but there’s something about a guy whining over an acoustic guitar that makes you realize that sometimes even famous people don’t know how to hit and quit.

60. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”

This song sounds like an office Christmas in a Cajun karaoke bar. When Dylan says, “Ho, ho, ho,” like a lecherous derelict, you can hear young professionals shouting wild confessions at each other because they’re drunk in work clothes at 10 p.m. on a Thursday. Play this at your office party and HR will be approving multiple maternity leaves before the end of next year.

59. Jose Feliciano “Feliz Navidad”

Something about a bilingual person’s lowered chances of getting Alzheimer’s or dementia does it for me. You mean to tell me you know two languages and will be more likely to remain a stable and loving companion for the remainder of our time on this strange plane of existence? Kiss me while we’re still young!

58. Perry Como and The Fontane Sisters “It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas”

Polyamorous megastar Perry Como’s biggest holiday hit happened when he recorded a song with his three girlfriends. The sexual tension Como and the Fontane Sisters caught on tape is still palpable all these years later. You can almost hear the loving admiration and respect each member of this sexual rectangle had for one another.

57. Nat King Cole “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”

This is the first holiday number to celebrate a homosexual orgy. Why else did those merry gentlemen need so much rest? Tidings of comfort and joy, indeed.

56. *NSYNC “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”

This little bop by the late ’90s thrust bunch *NSYNC was pure dick-wiggling fun. The beat was catchy, the singing pretty wholesome, and everyone listening to the song was compelled to dry hump the lifelong best friend they were secretly crushing on–even if they were in their local GAP clothing store!

55. Ariana Grande “Santa Tell Me”

This song follows the love affair between a racially-ambiguous-presenting woman and Santa Claus. All Ms. Grande wants is for Santa would leave Mrs. Claus, move to Los Angeles, and let her straddle him on the chair in the mall. Love was never really an option, but Santa has no problem leaving a few non-committal presents in her stockings every Christmas Eve.

54. Bing Crosby “Little Drummer Boy”

Bing Crosby was known for throwing the best sex parties. The lyrics are actually about Crosby trying to hire a rhythm section for his next get-together. He just happened to throw in the birth of Christ to make sure he really got the players he wanted. Everybody knows a good sex party is better with a steady beat!

53. Mannheim Steamroller “Carol of the Bells”

There’s just something about a neo-classical electronic version of a beloved Christmas song that really makes you want to undo the top button of your shirt and ask out your crush. Sure, they’ll say, “EW! YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH COLOGNE!” and “PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I THROW UP!” but they’ll never take your confidence away.

52. Chuck Berry “Run Rudolph Run”

Want to know why Rudolph ran like that? He got a text from his girlfriend that said, “My parents aren’t home. Cum over when you can.” This is the classic story of a boy racing against the clock to see his lady before mom and dad get off work. We’ve all been there.

51. Celine Dion “O Holy Night”

Any time Celine Dion comes on, you know an older woman is about to plow. The sultry tones and lusty tempo of this loin-roasting diddy unleashes a ravenous sensuality that pushes women to the brink of sexual insanity. Play this song with caution unless you absolutely want a woman that remembers Ronald Reagan being the president to desperately paw at your belt.

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Our Band Could Be Your Stocking Stuffer: 15 Band-Related Products That Don’t Exist Yet But Should For This Holiday Season

Posted on by Matt McInerney

The holidays are right around the corner, and you’re looking for the perfect gift for friends. Or maybe you’re even dropping heavy hints in front of your parents. Well, guess what, this list won’t help you at all because these products aren’t even real yet. But if Papa Roach’s ‘Cut My Life Into Pizzas’ pizza cutter taught us anything, it’s that there is potential for success with even the stupidest of merch ideas. And in an industry where album sales aren’t the revenue generators they used to be, these novelties are perhaps soon all bands will have left. That’s why we’re here to help. Think of us as a modern-day Ali G – holding a skateboard without wheels, pitching it as a hoverboard. We’re the idea guys. We’re just going to need you to make it all real. And, of course, cut us a slice of that pie once they hit the market.

Thursday’s Fully Collapsible Salad Spinner

What better way to celebrate the 22nd anniversary of Thursday’s iconic album “Full Collapse” than with a fully collapsible kitchen marvel? Yes, that’s right, this unique salad spinner not only pays homage to the band’s groundbreaking work but also brings a touch of musical history right into your kitchen. Just as “Full Collapse” broke barriers in the music world, this salad spinner breaks the mold in kitchen gadgetry with its space-saving design and sleek look.

Details: This one-of-a-kind salad spinner is designed for easy storage, collapsing to a quarter of its size. It features a 5-quart capacity, perfect for all your leafy greens. The non-slip base ensures stability during use, and it’s dishwasher-safe for easy cleanup. Dimensions: 10 inches in diameter when expanded.

Maylene and the Sons of Disaster’s Plenty Strong Dirt Bike Jack Stand

Dangerous curves ahead! If there’s one thing we know about every Maylene fan, it’s this: You have jumped your fair share of dirt bikes, and you sure as hell haven’t nailed every landing. But have no fear, because we’re here to give you a little lift. This sturdy-as-heck bike stand is exactly what you need for dirt bike repairs and adjustments so you can get back to mudding. We think that’s what you call it.

Details: Made with heavy-duty steel, this jack stand can support bikes up to 5,000 lbs. It features an adjustable height from 14 to 41 inches, with a large top surface for stable positioning. The anti-slip rubber pad prevents slippage and scratches.

Between the Buried and Me’s Colors & Colors II Crayon Coloring Set

When you heard “Colors” for the first time, it changed your life. By the time “Colors II” came out, you’d heard all the songs you were ever going to hear, but you still pretended it changed your life again. Well, it’s time to make sure your kids can feel the same way about these progressive technical death avant-garde metalcore giants. With their very own coloring set!

Details: These crayons offer rich, smooth laydown, perfect for coloring and drawing. “Colors” features 12 standard colors. “Colors II” comes with 12 neon colors that nobody will ever reach for. All crayons are non-toxic, easy to grip, and made with durable wax for long-lasting use.

Ghost’s Pepper Flakes – Mild Flavored Premium Pepper Flavoring

Oh no, it’s not a ghost pepper. It’s Ghost’s pepper. This product might look scary, but just like the band, it is absolutely not. Seriously, it’s about as spicy as milk. These mild flavors are sure to please any palate, or at least any palate that shares the same taste as someone who would listen to Ghost.

Details: Comes in a sleek, easy-to-use 4 oz shaker. The flakes are a blend of premium, mild peppers meticulously selected to reduce flavor. They are perfect for adding a lack of zest to any dish.

The Weakerthans’ Sundial in an Empty Room

If only we could somehow make use of those parallelograms of light that dance along the walls of your empty guest room. Well, forget that empty feeling and fill that space with this one-of-a-kind sundial! With lyrics adorning the face, it serves not just as a functional piece for that spare room you probably have in your house but also as a conversation starter. It’s perfect for fans who value both the practical aspects of timekeeping and the artistic expression of a modern away message.

Details: This beautifully crafted sundial features a 36 inche diameter, making it an ideal size for display in an outdoor garden space, or in the center of a room with no furniture. Made from high-quality, weather-resistant materials, it ensures durability whether used indoors or outdoors. The sundial includes an adjustable gnomon for accurate time-telling throughout the year.

Underoath’s “Writing on the Walls” Erasable Markers

Uh oh, worried your kids will really fuck up the walls with that crayon set? Sure, they’re a little too young to start on Between the Buried and Me. Maybe you need something for a younger age? Well, kids will love Underoath and their “Writing on the Walls” erasable markers! Hand that boy one and watch as he brushes your living room in black and white. No worries, just wash it away when he’s done.

Details: These innovative erasable markers come in a pack of 10 vibrant colors, perfect for little artists who love to express themselves on any non-porous surface, including walls, windows, and whiteboards. The markers feature a non-toxic, washable formula, making cleanup a breeze – just wipe with a damp cloth or sponge. Each marker has a durable tip for both fine lines and broader strokes, and the ink dries quickly to prevent smudging.

Kirk Windstein Presents Crowbar’s Bar Crow

Have you ever found yourself hanging out in a seedy bar in New Orleans, deep into the night, only to be forced to drunkenly stumble home in the darkness? You realize you need some protection, but your more sensible friends have already called it a night. What you need is a more loyal companion. You know what we’re talking about. That’s right: a crow! Better yet, a Crowbar-branded Bar Crow, to keep you safe as you recklessly wander through sludge-filled alleyways, searching for home.

Details: Crowbar’s Bar Crow is a real, specially trained crow, bred for protection in social settings like bars. This loyal bird, with an average wingspan of 18 inches and a body length of around 12 inches, is perfect for accompanying you on late-night outings. The Bar Crow is trained to respond to basic commands and recognize its owner. This crow doesn’t require a harness (although we do have some great ideas there) and is comfortable in various urban environments.

Hawthorne Heights’ ‘Ohio is for Lovers… and More’ Travel Guide

Is your heart in Ohio? Well, then let some local boys show you around with this ultimate travel guide. Discover every attraction and hot spot that Ohio has to offer. And don’t worry: it’s not just for lovers. They’ll even help you find your favorite singles bars, because obviously, you’re getting over some heartbreak.

Details: This comprehensive travel guide is your key to exploring Ohio like a local. It features hidden gems, popular attractions, and the best singles bars, all curated by the members of Hawthorne Heights. The guide includes maps, tips, and insider knowledge to help you navigate the state with ease. It’s a paperback edition, easy to carry around, measuring 8×5 inches.

Korn’s “Beak on a Leash” Bird Leashes and Harnesses

His name may be Munky, but the man loves nothing more than birds. As you can imagine, it won’t be a tough sell to get the rest of the band on board. Not with an idea this good: Korn brand bird leashes and harnesses! For the cockatoo lover in your life, give them the gift that sets them free. Or at least give them the freedom to take their bird for a walk every once in a while. Finally, you’ll feel like you do have some release!

Details: This series offers high-quality bird leashes and harnesses, suitable for various bird sizes, from cockatiels to cockatoos. The harnesses are made from lightweight, durable materials that are comfortable for the birds and easy for the owners to use. The adjustable design ensures a snug fit, and the strong leash allows for safe outdoor adventures. The product comes in a variety of sizes and includes a step-by-step guide on how to safely use the harness with your feathered friend.

Refused’s ‘The Shape of Punk to Come’ Toddler Shape Sorting Cube

Okay, so maybe even those Underoath markers were still too much. Well, how else are you supposed to show the world you have a little punk-to-come on your hands? You already bought that kid a Black Flag onesie. I guess your only other option is to get them some sort of branded toy that will let everyone know that your child is merely an extension of you and your tastes. God forbid someone thinks this kid might grow up to be a Foo Fighters fan.

Details: This wooden cube features various shapes, each representing a different element of punk culture, that fit into corresponding holes. It’s designed to help develop fine motor skills and shape recognition in young children. The cube is painted in vibrant colors with partially-non-toxic, mostly-child-safe paint, and measures 6×6 inches.

Sunn O)))’s Decorative Black Boxes That Just So Happen To Have Speakers in Them

We’ve always wanted an amp that makes our guitar sound exactly like the monstrous hum of ‘Life Metal,’ but after some research, we realized there’d be significant challenges in releasing an amplifier with the Sunn O))) logo on it. There’s like a whole story there or something. So anyway, these are just decorative boxes. That might have speakers in them. It’s not entirely clear if they can officially state that or not.

Details: These distinctive decorative boxes, inspired by the sound and aesthetics of Sunn O))), are an intriguing addition to any space. Externally, they present as sleek, matte black boxes with a minimalist design. Hidden within each box are high-quality speakers. While they serve primarily as elegant decor, the boxes offer a surprise element of functionality, blending in seamlessly until their audio capabilities are revealed.

Explosions in the Sky’s “The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place” Heated Blankets

Actually, the earth is starting to feel like a colder and deader place. But it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re soaking up some sweet post-rock and watching a heartwarming episode of Friday Night Lights. Coach! Coach, help! It’s not snuggly enough in here! Fear not, as this band-inspired heated blanket will solve that as you waste the rest of your evening with Tim Riggins.

Details: This cozy heated blanket features adjustable heat settings, ensuring you find the perfect temperature for relaxation. Made from soft, plush fabric, it measures a generous 60×50 inches, making it ideal for snuggling up on the couch. The design subtly incorporates motifs from the band’s album artwork, creating a stylish and functional piece. It’s equipped with an easy-to-use controller and a safety feature that automatically shuts off after four Fright Night Lights episodes, ensuring peace of mind.

Job for a Cowboy Organic Non-GMO Gluten-Free Horse Treats

We have to be honest upfront. We haven’t really listened to Job for a Cowboy; we just heard about them, and they seemed like a nice country band. And like any good country boy, you must know: you just can’t trust mainstream horse treats these days. Equestrian enthusiasts understand that not all horses can stomach the gluten found in the average grocery store horse snack. Well, all your problems are solved with these good-for-you horse treats! Now, your only challenge is thinking of a cooler horse name than “Job for a Cowboy.”

Details: These premium horse treats are made with organic, non-GMO ingredients, ensuring a healthy snack for your equine friends. They are completely gluten-free, perfect for horses with dietary sensitivities. Each treat is carefully crafted, combining nutritious ingredients like oats, barley, and molasses for a flavor that horses love. The treats come in a resealable 5-pound bag, ensuring freshness and easy storage, cowboy.

The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die Kitchen Wall Decor

We know. You’re going to lose it if you have to stare at that stupid “gather” decal adorning the walls of your kitchen one more time. And why does your partner always pick signs in that overused wedding invite font? There’s only one answer: an act of rebellion. Like proudly displaying the band name of your favorite Willimantic legends! This isn’t just a statement piece; it’s a nod to your edgy, musical defiance. It’s about time your kitchen reflected the real you. And it also kind of just works with everything else in the room.

Details: This wall decor piece measures 24×36 inches, made with high-quality, fade-resistant ink on durable canvas material. Easy to hang with included tamper-proof mounting hardware so it can never be removed, it’s perfect for adding a touch of rebellion to any room.

Bring Me The Horizon Temporary Child Throat Tattoos

Wow, your kid couldn’t handle the sorting cube? I guess you’re shit out of luck. Okay, one more idea. Just ink your kid. Temporarily at least. Give them a flat-brim hat and a throat tattoo to show your friends that you are deathcore through and through. Or at least you used to be. Now you’re just kind of listening to electronic rock in a deathcore outfit? Sheesh, maybe this was a mistake.

Details: These temporary throat tattoos are the perfect way to let your child rock a bold look without scarring them for life (at least physically). The tattoos are waterproof and last for 2-3 days, perfect for a weekend of pretend play. Each tattoo measures about 2×3 inches, designed to fit comfortably on a child’s throat area.