Someone told me you find my communication style “passive-aggressive” and “conflict-avoidant to the point that it creates a bigger problem than there was in the first place.” I’ve actually been sending crystal clear signals by avoiding eye contact and sighing with exasperation after every time I speak to you, during which I use the bare minimum of words and respond with phrases like “Really? Ok, if you’re sure, I guess,” and “Um, sure, I’ll see if I can help you with that, but I don’t know, I’m pretty busy right now and this is a lot for you to throw at me.”
You sound just like my teachers, friends, partners, bosses, family members, and the guy next to me on the subway, who have all said that I’ve made them feel things like “uncomfortable in their work environment” or like I “don’t deserve to be in the will anymore.”
But after spending months nitpicking my communication style and trying to coerce me into sharing my private feelings, they each saw the light. My refusal to offer the merest glimpse into my vulnerable interior, which is frankly none of their business, has driven everyone in my life to give up trying to change me because I communicate that there’s no chance. My communication style is very effective!
You want to know how I feel? That’s for me to know and for you to piece together based on how I sign my emails. If you think I’m above flippantly saying something mildly to astoundingly insulting and walking away casually, as if I’d just made an innocuous comment on the weather, you need to examine what happened in your childhood that made you that way.
I pity your need to know everything. There’s no mystery to that. Can you imagine if Darth Vader had been introduced as Luke’s dad and Luke and Leia were introduced as siblings up top? We’d lose out on a whole world of psychosexual incestual family drama. Boring!
So the next time you want to corner me and demand to know why I’ve been glaring at you from across the room every day for three weeks, don’t be surprised when I tell you that you need to brush your teeth first if you want to have a conversation with me like an adult. You’re welcome for preserving a sense of mystery in this appallingly transparent world!
With cordial regards.