Looking on the Bright Side: Here Are Five Times Vince Neil Was Able To Drive to the Liquor Store Without Killing Anyone

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil definitely has a troubled history with driving. He came under fire in late 1984 for an incident in which he drunkenly lost control of his car while partying with members of Finnish band Hanoi Rocks, killing their drummer and seriously injuring two occupants in another vehicle. While Neil was ultimately punished for this transgression with a grueling two weeks in jail, we think the lifetime damage to his reputation has been a much more profound miscarriage of justice. What about all the times he made it to his destination without racking up a bodycount? As such, here are five times he was able to drive to the liquor store without killing anyone.

January 14th, 1984
Look at this! Neil, although still unspeakably intoxicated, managed to drive the three blocks from his LA mansion for a new bottle of top-shelf tequila without leaving any corpses on the road. Try telling that to the bloodthirsty media, though. They’re still too busy focusing on that vehicular manslaughter conviction he racked up later that year, as if they themselves have never made a mistake.

July 16th, 1984
What’s this? He’s perusing the aisles of his local Wine & Spirits, and his De Tomaso Pantera is sitting in the parking lot without so much as a human-sized dent? Imagine that! It’s too bad we live in such a depraved society, otherwise this would be among the most notable life events on his Wikipedia page.

December 3rd, 1983
Did the booze and sex-addled hair metal vocalist make it to the liquor store on this day? Technically, he did. Did he happen to sideswipe a parked Porsche 959 in Beverly Hills on the way? Yes, he did that as well, and without stopping to so much as leave a note. Look, we’re not writing this list to outline his exceptional driving prowess. We’re just saying he didn’t kill anyone during this trip.

August 9th, 1982
To be fair, that goldendoodle ran in front of Vince’s car, and in his defense, he tried to swerve out of its way, albeit in an extremely delayed and sluggish manner, before resuming his drive to the Martinez Beverage Center. We’ll use this example as an opportunity to clarify that by “anyone” in the title, we’re talking about humans. That poor dog, as well as the sobbing, but very much alive, six-year-old child he left in his wake, do not count.

December 04, 1984
You go, Vince! Nevermind what transpired a mere four days after this; it’s what happens in the moment that counts! You may be piss drunk on a Tuesday afternoon, arguing with the M&K Wine and Spirits clerk who says he’s legally not allowed to sell you this bottle of Wild Turkey, but you made it here without any blood on your hands. Today is your day!

Nostalgic Glenn Danzig Rekindles Old Lawsuits

Posted on by Brett Olsen

LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.

“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me tell you—life was simpler back then when I had my lawyer on speed dial,” a reminiscent Danzig chuckled while refilling his iced tea. “Kids these days just want to hear songs about hellish whorehouses, infant mortality, or alien transmogrification. It’s exhausting, albeit profitable. Misfits aren’t just some spooky band—we’re a family, a family that peddles merchandise, and I deserve a bigger cut, quite frankly. Our legacy would be nothing without our deep-rooted history in litigation, and I’m excited to rekindle that flame and remind people that even us old-timers still got that New Jersey judicial system spunk in us.”

Distraught Misfits’ bassist Jerry Only spiraled as he reflected on recent events.

“I thought he got this out of his system, but I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Danzig’s generation never really learned how to communicate their feelings effectively, but this was something we had come to terms with before getting the band back together,” said Only, who is four years younger than Danzig. “The burden has always been on us to decipher his body language. I should have known he was irritable when he referred to Doyle as ‘Temu Frankenstein,’ but I pushed my luck regardless by asking if we could cover ‘Monster Mash’ live just one time. God, how could I have been so stupid?!”

Judge Gary Klausner, who previously dismissed multiple Danzig lawsuits, was noticeably cranky when he heard the news.

“Those New Jersey hooligans are bickering again?” Judge Klausner barked incredulously. “Let me guess—Danzig’s back, trying to sue the Presley estate because it was Elvis who somehow ripped him off? Or is this about the hotdog allegations? Kitty litter royalties? Oh, wait! It’s the one where he thinks he deserves more pie because he had the genius idea of tracing a skeleton in the ‘70s? What was it again? ‘The Fiendish Skull?’ Blah! None of this is about music—it’s satanic phooey!”

At press time, Danzig had a eureka moment and was feverishly searching to see if any members of Samhain were still alive and liable.

Fox News and CNN Vow to Keep Their Journalists Safe By Never Reporting Anything About Israel

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Executives at top corporate media properties Fox News and CNN promised that all of their journalists will remain safe from targeted assassinations by the IDF by continuing to not report any of the news coming out of Palestine, sources confirmed.

“Fox News has proudly kept its journalism ‘America First’ for the last two decades. We don’t care what is happening in the rest of the world, our reporters are on the ground here in America finding proof that Obama is a Kenyan nationalist who colluded with Russia to discredit President Trump’s win in 2016,” said Fox News Media spokesperson Erol Hanley. “The American people don’t need to know about what Israel is up to. Our viewers are more interested in how President Trump is doing a perfect job, and if anything bad happens, it’s because Joe Biden and the radical left fringe in Washington are creating Antifa super soldiers who are going to invade your town and kidnap your children.”

CNN representatives had similar reasoning for not making reporting on Israel’s war crimes a priority.

“We have heard that the entire Al Jazeera journalism team was killed in Israel, and as sad as that is, we cannot be certain that the bullets that entered their bodies came from Israeli forces. For all we know, they could have had all those bullets in them for months, and they just happened to explode in their bodies all at once. We don’t actually know how bullets and guns work,” said CNN executive Lynn Fleming. “We’ve talked with the IDF media relations team and they assure us that not a single person has died in Gaza for the last 18 months, and we simply have to take their word for it. They have no reason to lie.”

Independent media analyst Carla Flores says this is all part of a plan to make Americans blind to the atrocities happening in Gaza.

“People love to imagine scenarios of what they would do if they were alive when Hitler was perpetrating a genocide, but now one is happening in real time and most people have no idea,” said Flores. “The top news outlets are more interested in ratings and partisan political talking heads endlessly debating nonsense that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Over 200 Palestinian journalists have been killed in Gaza during the Israeli occupation. These war crimes continue to be ignored because the American media system is bought and sold and only exists to sell you more pharmaceuticals to fix your chronically dry penis or some stupid shit.”

At press time, The New York Times publishes a new editorial from Benjamin Netanyahu titled “You Would Have to Be A Dumbass to Call this a Genocide.”

Scientists Warn Flushing Unused Meds May Lead to Fish Losing Creativity and Ability to Get Hard

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

SALEM, Ore. — Local scientists at the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) warned this week that flushing unused and expired SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics may lead to a serious crisis in the creativity and sexual potency in marine life, confirmed sources.

“We’ve all seen ‘Finding Nemo.’ Now picture that movie with less fish boners. That’s what we’re dealing with here,” said Dr. Mariclare Berendo of the ODFW. “All drains lead to the ocean and flushing unused head-meds really robs the fish population of their creative spark. They can’t make their little fish music. They can’t paint their little fishy paintings. They can’t tell their little fishy stand-up jokes. All they do is go through long bouts of depression where they can’t seem to get themselves out of their coral reefs in the morning. Plus, at night, their eyes roll around in their heads, which is real weird.”

While Dr. Berendo provided no explanation as to how fish could paint before, this news has nevertheless been a shock to locals.

“Look, family court made me go on meds to see my kids,” said Kyle Wendice. “Something about my clinical paranoia and constant mood-swings didn’t gel with the judge for a safe upbringing. But I don’t take that shit. It all goes straight from the pharmacy into the toilet. I always assumed it would be no trouble to flush the meds. After all, I flush most of my garbage and recyclables down the john. But now I know I’d be better off taking those expired meds myself.”

This has come as a surprise to local fish merchants as well, such as Daniel McGuirken, head fish-monger of Beaver State Seafood Market.

“It ain’t what it used to be,” said McGuirken. “Used to be they’d haul in the catch of the day with bloodshot eyes and huge, swollen cloacas, stuck out like any man’s rosy pecker. Boy, you’d never seen randier fish. We’d have to chop ‘em right off before we’d show ‘em to people or the city’d come down on us. Nowadays, I bet most of you’ve never even seen a fish’s massive hard-on. It’s a travesty.”

At press time, scientists at the ODFW were preparing final edits on a new study on the effects of over the counter pain killers on the state’s massive beaver population.

As the Proud Owner of a $3,200 St. Vincent Signature Guitar, I Think I Know a Thing or Two About Feminism

Posted on by John Danek

My life’s march towards being the male embodiment of fourth-wave feminism began the moment I was born. I opened my placenta-soaked eyes, looked up at my mother, and thought “Wow, we truly are equal.” And that journey culminates today with my purchase of a brand new Ernie Ball Music Man St. Vincent Goldie Signature 6-string electric guitar in a Velveteen finish with 3 gold-foil mini humbuckers and whammy bar.

I no longer have to couch my verifiably correct opinions with “Look, I know I’m a dude and this isn’t necessarily my place to speak,” or some bullshit like that. I can just launch right into it. Why? Because I am literally financially supporting women in one of the most expensive ways possible. Just peep my phone background of the guitar being held up against the sky. So yes, I think I know how to represent women and their needs.

I bought the guitar this morning. As I waited in Guitar Center for them to fetch me an untouched model from the back of the store, I pulled bell hooks’ “Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center” out of my backpack, which I’ve been reading for the last 6 years or so. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from her, it’s that capital letters are the patriarchal devil made flesh. so fuck you, mr. grammar man. i am not using any in the rest of this article.

the guitar center employee finally returned, rang me up at the register, and said “dude, this is a sick guitar.” i responded with a curt “dude? women can play guitar too,” then looked around the room for a woman to make knowing eye contact with and eventually start talking to. alas, there were none. the patriarchy strikes again.

feminism only has a chance if we are honest with ourselves. and in the nature of pure honesty, i am going to be fully transparent. tax was an additional 312 dollars. so i need you to understand that i actually spent $3,512 on this piece of women’s herstory.

for anyone saying that feminism isn’t measured by the amount of money you spend and that you could have gotten the sterling model for a fraction of the price, i think you should susan b. minding your own business. now excuse me while i go make some pinch harmonics that are so nasty, they shatter glass ceilings.

Crust Punk Worried His Drugs Aren’t Laced

Posted on by Dom Turek

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local crustie Hank “Spew” Collins was shocked and appalled to discover the cocaine he’d been snorting all night and well into the next afternoon wasn’t laced with a single additive, reports confirmed.

“I got ripped off,” said Collins. “To think I panhandled and stole money to afford drugs, only to discover they weren’t cut with meth or even a common household cleaner, is honestly embarrassing. I knew something was off when I didn’t feel the intense urge to cover my windows with newspapers or accuse my friends of plotting to murder me. You have to be really careful about who you get your drugs from these days.”

Unlaced narcotics are causing noticeable apprehension in some drug-addled communities, but users maintain the trick to finding good drugs is to get them from someone you don’t know and don’t trust.

“My product is totally and completely impure, guaranteed,” said Chris Atkins, a small-time drug dealer for the lower Ogden area. “Scouts honor. If anyone says otherwise, they’re either lying or died immediately after buying drugs from me. If you’re looking for safe, reliable drugs, go to a hospital or Lollapalooza. When people snort or shoot my stuff, I want their first reaction to be, ‘Ow, was there glass in that?’”

Despite the stigma associated with hard drug use, experts say the availability of laced drugs and the demand for them are signs of an ailing society.

“Back in my day, if you wanted to see God, you had to chug a gallon of orange juice and use a pipette to mainline LSD straight into your eyeballs,” said Ruth Jett, recovering addict and founder of the sober living facility, Freedom House. “Now, you do one bump of coke at a Sabrina Carpenter concert, and ‘Espresso’ could be the last song you ever hear. Having to numb out on a budget so badly that death no longer scares you indicates a nationwide dissatisfaction with our standard of living, but the blame will likely be pinned on rap music or drag queens.”

During press time, Collins was seen beating the piss out of his drug dealer for selling him heroin that had no fentanyl in it.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Desperately Waiting For The Interstellar Probe To Take Us All

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

There’s a new kid in town. 3I/ATLAS – an interstellar object that many ‘scientists’ are calling a ‘comet’ – has just recently entered our galactic backyard. At least one person is already raising the alarm that it’s most likely a malicious alien probe sent to doom humanity, to which we say: ‘about damn time.’ According to this lone report, we’ve got just over two months to enjoy the spoils of Earth before the stock market crashes, money is irrelevant, and we welcome our alien overlords to a new era of humanity. Here are six songs we’re listening to this week to help ease the wait.

AFI ‘Behind the Clock’

If you’ve seen a photo of Davey Havok’s illustrious new mustache and mullet combo, you’d think AFI were prepping the soundtrack for the next season of Monster Jam. As glorious as that sounds, the goth-punk legends are digging their heels into – you guessed it – more goth music. ‘Behind the Clock’ is the first single from the band’s forthcoming album ‘Silver Bleeds the Black Sun’ and it’s sure to have you dancing under a bridge with a bunch of weirdos in no time.

Algernon Cadwallader ‘Hawk’

Legendary emo-revivalists Algernon Cadwallader had already stunned fans enough: first when they announced a slew of reissues, then with a month-long reunion tour a couple of years later. It would be greedy to expect a new album from the Philly legends, but they’re doing it anyway. ‘Trying Not To Have A Thought’ will be the band’s first album in 14 years. The lead single ‘Hawk’ makes that long stretch feel more like a blink of an eye, and finds the group having not skipped a single beat if you don’t count all the time signature changes.
Trying Not to Have a Thought by Algernon Cadwallader

Deftones ‘milk of the madonna’

All legendary bands find themselves the victims of product placement at one point or another. It’s just an inevitability. The latest in a long line of mighty who have bent the knee to corporate interests is unfortunately, Deftones. Their latest, ‘milk of the madonna,’ is nothing short of a blatant advertisement for Madonna’s new health product line ‘Madonna Milk.’ While they do their best to hide this opaque cash grab with brilliant guitar work and vague lyricism, we at the Hard Times know the truth. Killer song though.

Snõõper ‘Worldwide’

Snõõper, a band whose genre can only be described as ‘short-circuiting Devo,’ is back with their latest single ‘Worldwide.’ It’s a psychotic romp that maintains the band’s signature deranged sound that has contributed to their status as one of the most exciting new voices in punk. This song will have you asking the big questions like: ‘Are my speakers broken?’ and ‘Is it supposed to be this tempo?’ Their new album ‘Worldwide’ will be crashing into your stereo or headphones in October so you still have time to figure out your jerky dance moves.
Worldwide by Snooper

Brian Damage ‘King Of The Opera’

Midwestern power-pop freaks, Brian Damage, just released their fourth album ‘All Hell Broke Loose’ via Anyway Records. It’s a pandemic driven DIY masterpiece that will have you wondering how it’s possible to have so much fun while hearing so many horrifying synth sounds and chord changes. That’s a compliment for those wondering. If you’ve been itching for an album that sounds like The Rentals desperately trying to break their contract as Hell’s house band, this one is for you.
All Hell Broke Loose by Brian Damage

OSEES ‘Abomination’

Can someone do a wellness check on Jon Dwyer? We’ve reported on this before, but there’s no way a healthy individual can be making this much goddamn music constantly. Our only hopeful guess is that he’s some sort of half-man, half-cyborg, half-Casio-keyboard-demo type deal. We understand no one can be three halves, but we have to believe Jon Dwyer is capable of this mathematical impossibility as there is no other plausible explanation. Anyway, OSEES’ 4,578,942nd album ‘Abomination Revealed At Last’ dropped on Friday and it rips as per usual.

We cancelled our Spotify account, so you’ll have to make your own playlist. We’d say sorry, but it’s probably a good thing to force you to take some agency in your own life for once.

Aging Killer Knows What You Did But Can’t Recall If It Was Last Summer or the Summer Before

Posted on by Greg Heller

SOUTHPORT, N.C. — A veteran Southport slasher slash longshoreman is “beyond embarrassed” after botching the timeline in a series of threatening missives mailed to local youths, confirmed sources.

“As I get older, the years are just sort of blurring together,” said the killer. “I actually suspected I might be a little confused and had an early draft that read, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer Or Perhaps The Summer Before,’ but that just felt so, I don’t know… clunky. You know, I do sometimes find myself reeling in a marlin or standing over a mutilated human corpse with no idea how I got there. And just last week I asked my wife where my shiny black head-to-toe foul-weather gear was and she was like, ‘Um, honey, you’re wearing it.’ But some things you never forget, and I am positive that at some point over the past few years, I was involved in some sort of traffic accident.”

The killer’s warnings were meant to reference an event in which he says 23-year-old Caitlyn Cline and a group of fellow Gen Z dickheads ran him off a winding road on the outskirts of Southport, plunging him down a steep ravine to his apparent death—an event he now realizes transpired the TWO summers prior.

“A note that was under my windshield wiper just read, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer,’” said a very puzzled Cline. “But I spent last summer yachting through The Med with my parents. I guess the sender could somehow know I blew that random German guy at a club on Mallorca, but what… he’s gonna kill me for that? I don’t get it.”

Neurologist Dr. Jorge Kwan noticed an alarming trend among those in the vengeful murderer community.

“Cognitive decline is a real issue in the slasher population,” said neurologist Dr. Kwan, whose book, “Have You Seen My Machete?: When Psychopaths Lose Their Minds” is the definitive tome on the topic. “We’ve seen this recently when both Candyman and Freddy Krueger were hospitalized for forgetting which hand they wipe with. And Jason Vorhees often can’t remember if his signature outfit uses a hockey or baseball catcher’s mask.”

At press time, the killer hoped the recipients of his letter can both forgive him for the error and also prepare to die via fishhook to the midsection.

These Losers Are Paying $15 for a Cocktail Where 2 Ativan and a Modelo Tall Boy Is Like $3

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

You know what’s truly pathetic? The crowds of trust-fund influencers desperately trying to get a bartender’s attention, only to drop fifteen bucks (plus tip) on a watered-down lavender-ginger cocktail with crushed pink sea-salt on the rim and a splash of Grey Goose. Meanwhile, there’s a far more effective and much cheaper solution available to have a great night: two Ativan and a Modelo tall boy. You could even save another 75 cents if you switch to a Milwaukee’s Best, but it’s good to have some standards.

Let’s crunch the numbers: even if you don’t have health insurance, or your doctor refuses to give you a script because you’re “Just fine” it wouldn’t take but 5 minutes to find someone in the Rite Aid parking lot selling benzos dirt cheap. Meanwhile, these idiots line up outside bougie bars to drop their rent checks on drinks named after fuckin’ characters from The Goonies or whatever the shit.

“Oh, but it’s about the experience,” they whine. Sure, if your ideal experience involves a crowded, unlit “speakeasy” with a garbage early-2000s indie-folk playlist berating your eardrums while you sip on a $19 Pineapple Macha Rum Punch. You know what’s a great experience? Dissolving a few Xanax in a box of wine and floating on my back in a public fountain until the police escort me away.

Let’s be honest — bar culture is a scam. They charge you $5 to strain jackfruit pulp through a mesh screen and garnish your drink with a sprig of rosemary. You know what garnishes my drink? Crushed Ambien on the rim of a Gatorade bottle spiked with homemade potato vodka, enjoyed on my fire escape as I shout incoherent insults at passersby. Assuming I stole the Ambian from my mom and the Gatorade from 7-11, the entire evening is free. And I did!

“But what about the community atmosphere?” These hashtag-trend-chasers protest. Please. The true social butterfly knows nothing brings people together better than the thrill of mixing Zippo fluid fumes with the questionable Vicodin a guy just handed to you on the subway, then asking strangers if they have any strong opinions on Israel.

So keep your $26 turmeric-cayenne Mezcal concoctions on your carefully curated TikToks feeds, losers. I’ll be out here pioneering the real artisanal cocktail movement. One that involves stealing mini-bar shooters from housekeeping carts, forging an Oxycodone prescription, and having a nightcap at the most exclusive club in town — the floor of a Taco Bell bathroom — knowing I’m smarter than all of you.

Experts Warn Education Cuts Could Lead to Even More People Thinking Ghost Is a Metal Band

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Experts at the Department of Education (DoE) have issued a dire warning that further cuts to their institution could result in even more people thinking Ghost is a metal band, sources report.

“Education cuts by this administration will cause issues we could not have foreseen,” advised DoE official Shemeca Anderson. “Currently, roughly 36% of the American public believes Ghost is a metal band despite their music clearly being synth-pop. We have reason to believe that number can as much as double in the next ten years without desperately needed funding to music education. Now more than ever, children need to be given the tools that enable them to discern between genres of music so this trend can be halted, and that absolutely cannot be accomplished with money instead being diverted to give tax breaks to billionaires.”

Concerned parent Beverly Horwitz expressed her consternation at the news.

“I don’t think this was such a profound issue when I was growing up,” Horwitz mentioned. “I don’t have a musical bone in my body, but I was able to obtain a basic rudimentary understanding of what constitutes different music genres through what I learned in elementary and middle school. Now I fear that my six-year-old son Heath won’t be afforded the same experience in the coming years. The thought of him growing up to think that Ghost is a metal band doesn’t sit right with me. It just seems so tragic and preventable.”

Ghost fan Dom Serris did not see the issue with the cuts.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Serris said. “I grew up going to public school in Mississippi, so I barely had any music education whatsoever. However, I know enough to consider Ghost a metal band. In fact, they’re one of my favorites. Just look at how the lead singer dresses like an evil pope and sings about Satan. What more information do you need to conclude that they’re a metal band? Also, they won the Grammy for Best Metal Performance in 2016 for their song ‘Cirice,’ and who knows metal better than the people who decide the nominees and winners for those awards? I think these DoE dweebs are just freaking out over nothing, like they always do.”

At press time, experts were further concerned that the funding cuts would result in people thinking synth was a necessary part of all metal music.