Robert Atkinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Eight Key Takeaways from the Third Republican Presidential Primary Debate

Posted on November 9, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

Five Republican presidential hopefuls with absolutely no chance of winning their party’s nomination took to the stage last night in Miami for the third Republican debate. Frontrunner Donald Trump was once again absent from the event and was most likely watching from a hotel room where he was eating piles of hamburgers by himself.

Here are eight takeaways from the big night.

Chris Christie Used His Platform to Push His “Sopranos” Rewatch Podcast

The former Governor of New Jersey seemed to realize his chances at winning the nomination were slim, so he used his limited speaking time to push his clumsily-named new podcast “Chris Christie Rewatches The Sopranos and Then He Talks About the Episode w/ Chris Christie.” When asked about continued support for Israel Christie said “That reminds me about Tony Soprano’s continued support of Chrissy Moltisanti. I actually just had Michael Imperioli’s former assistant on the latest episode of the podcast which is available wherever you get podcasts.” Christie closed by urging Americans to use promo code “ChrisChristieRewatchesTheSopranosandThenHeTalksAbouttheEpisode” for 25% off their first HelloFresh order.

The Sexual Tension Between Nikki Haley and Vivek Ramaswamy Nearly Boiled Over

Haley has been critical of Ramaswamy’s use of TikTok, which led to Ramaswamy calling out Haley’s daughter for being active on the social media platform. This caused a tense exchange which, as it soon became clear, was all sort of some sick psycho-sexual foreplay between the two candidates. Haley called Ramaswamy “Scum” and he replied “I’m so fucking hard right now, my dick is about to knock over this lectern.” Haley then turned to the moderators and asked “Does this building have flood insurance? Because my pussy is so wet it’s about to raise the sea level.”

Tim Scott Was Still Bothered By the Unpleasant Uber Driver Who Drove Him to the Debate

The South Carolina Senator seemed distracted throughout the night and had trouble staying on message. “I don’t think it’s out of the question to ask your Uber driver to turn down the music in the car, but this guy seemed offended when I asked and then started smoking with all the windows up,” said Scott when asked about Biden’s handling of the economy. “I tried telling him I needed to focus because I was coming to this debate, and then he told me if I didn’t leave him a good tip he would say I tried kissing his neck.” Scott then asked for help contacting Uber’s customer service.

The Sexual Tension Between Ron DeSantis and Vivek Ramaswamy Nearly Boiled Over

The two presidential hopefuls shared a terse exchange about their political experience levels which led the Florida governor to say “I want you inside me so bad right now, like I wish you could split me in half in front of all these people.” Ramaswamy responded by saying “It’s like I have a cinderblock made out of flesh in my underwear right now. Did we ever find out if this place had flood insurance? because I’m about to cum so much it will raise the sea level.”

Ron DeSantis Must Have Recently Watched the 1994 Comedy “The Mask” Starring Jim Carrey

When moderators asked Ron DeSantis how he feels about the current poll numbers he replied “SMOKIN’!” and then danced around the stage for two minutes before returning to the podium and screaming “SOMEBODY STOP ME!” This led to an exchange with Chris Christie where Christie admitted his favorite Jim Carrey movie is “The Number 23.” The audience responded to the admission with a chorus of boos.

Chris Christie Tried to Find a Sexual Spark With Vivek Ramaswamy But Got Nowhere

Following a tense exchange over their support of former president Trump, Chris Christie said to Ramaswamy “I’ve got a plump New Jersey sausage that I want you to devour.” Ramaswamy then admitted he does not feel a spark with Christie, saying “Most of this debate I’ve been so rock hard that I’ve felt lightheaded, but you caused my penis to get so soft that I’m afraid it might disintegrate.” Christie tried to laugh it off by saying “I was just kidding anyway,” but he was clearly about to cry.

Nikki Haley Admitted to Multiple Hit and Runs

“Sometimes when I’m driving at night it’s tough to see people in the crosswalk, and yeah my car is always covered in random dents and blood because of it,” said Haley. “That’s why if I become president my first order of business will be making sure the sun stays out 24 hours a day.” Haley did not apologize to any of the families she hit with her car, but does hope they will be able to vote for her.

Vivek Ramaswamy Enjoys the Post-Debate Orgies When More Candidates Were Present

Towards the end of the evening, Ramaswamy admitted he wished Asa Hutchinson qualified for the debate because “That man’s mouth is like a velvet-lined vacuum” and Mike Pence “Did things to me that made me see God, and cum buckets.” Ramaswamy then made it a point to remind Chris Christie that he is not invited to the orgy, which Christie claimed he didn’t want to attend anyway because he had a sexier orgy to attend.

Woman Worried Date Might Be Serial Entrepreneur

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Henrik Persson

HENDERSON, Nev. — Doctorate student and single woman Calise Sundell is increasingly worried her date for the night might be a serial entrepreneur.

“The date’s been fine. He’s very polite and funny in a kooky kind of way. But I’m getting a weird vibe,” said Sundell. “It’s not that he’s wearing a suit with expensive sneakers, even though that’s kind of odd; it’s the little things. Like, he casually said this eatery we’re at is going to be the ‘Uber of Mexican food’, and then went on about how he’d love for someone to ‘disrupt the gastro pub market’. If he goes to the men’s room again, I might make a run for it”.

Sundell’s date for the night, 30-year-old Sean Shelton, says he’s pleased with the way things are going, but thinks she seems a bit nervous and uptight.

“The potato skins were great, but she seems a bit… cold? I get it: I look good, I drive a Tesla. People get self-conscious. But it’s not like I’m a basic bitch who only cares about money. I’m not that dude spewing inspirational business memes on Facebook, let’s put it that way,” said Shelton excruciatingly smugly. “I post that to my LinkedIn, because LinkedIn is a great forum for connecting with other people who are as passionate about growth as I am. Actually, as I was listening to Tim Ferriss’ podcast this morning on 1.5x speed to save some time, and–oh, I guess she’s left.”

Relationship expert Dylan Teague says it’s a common problem among his clients.

“It’s easy to pass this off as neurotic thinking. But this is a real issue for young women. No, your date is probably not a serial entrepreneur, or even a social media ‘thought leader,’ but just knowing that he might be, makes it hard to relax when you meet new people,” said Teague. “This all makes it even harder to commit to a burgeoning relationship. No-one wants their parents to get that phone call saying her daughter has hooked up with some douche who’s the ‘CEO’ of his own one-man company.”

At press time, Shelton was arrested and is believed to be the infamous “Silicon Valley Slasher.”

Finally Some Good News: I Can Fit My Cat’s Whole Head in My Mouth

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

Let’s face it, folks: We live in some dark and troubled times. Israel and Palestine. Russia and Ukraine. Worst of all, my wife Larissa left me and decided – I don’t know why – to take the kids. Ha. Silly kids. They should be with papa. With daddy. In these times, it’s up to each of us to look inward towards the light. To be the change we want to see in the world. And that’s why I’m pleased to publicly announce that today I discovered I can fit my cat’s whole head in my mouth.

Now let me be clear: This is not a perverted thing that I do. Nor am I doing it with the end goal of harming my cat, Dorothy Pringle Princess. It’s merely something that materialized one day, as I was sitting home alone in my new studio apartment. The lights off. Freshly signed divorce papers at my feet. I was having my usual dinner: a bowl of microwavable ramen noodles, sans water, and ketchup, when Dorothy Pringle came and sat down next to me.

Needless to say, my first attempts were unproductive. It required practice and patience. It required a lot of free time. Which, fortunately I had, since my kids told me they wanted my wife’s new friend DAVID to be at their sporting events instead of me. So it was me and Dorothy Pringle’s sweet little Godzilla head against the world.

My ambition to fit my feline friend’s head into my mouth was not met well with others. My mother called and told me she was going to look into having me declared incompetent. My co-workers looked askance at me when they saw me doing mouth widening exercises in the breakroom at lunch. And I was taken off several projects by my boss because I “kept bringing the cat thing up to clients.” The world is bad right now! The world is fucked up! That’s why I had to bring up the thing with the cat’s head to the clients. It’s because the world is bad.

One day, Larissa phoned me to let me know that: “If the cat thing is true, I’m suing for full custody.” Well, that was what pushed me over the edge: I laid back on the filthy, unsheeted air mattress that now constitutes my bed, said: “Come here, kitty, kitty. Kitty, come here!” And then, I grabbed Dorothy Pringle, and with a force I’d never known before, stretched my mouth out like the mouth of a snake and I fit my cat’s whole head into my gaping maw. It was triumph, my friends.

But sadly, not a triumph meant to last. A few days later, I was arrested and imprisoned by the ASPCA. I didn’t even know they had the jurisdiction to do that. From there Dorothy Pringle – much like my children – was sent to live full time with Larissa. So, as I write this from my jail cell, I’m here to pass on a message of hope: The world is dark. Conflicts arise. Marriages end in acrimonious failure. But we always have goals. Every cat has a sweet little head. It’s simply up to us all, in our small way, to stretch out our mouths.

Every Gob Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Scott Waldman

What do Gob, Billy Talent, Alexisonfire, and Marianas Trench have in common with each other, other than the fact that they are all overtly Canadian bands that play guitars sometimes? Well, all four acts are FAR bigger in their native land, the Great White North, than they are here stateside, proving once and for eh that Americans are idiots, you and me included. Back to the “Big Four” of Canada according to literally no one: We decided to rank all of Gob’s six studio albums from worst to best below, and spoiler alert, two are tied in the middle positions, you won’t agree with a single ranking, “play it again” track, or what we chose to place in the “skip it” section, and your opinions regarding all of the above are incorrect even IF you agree with us.

6. Apt. 13 (2014)

This may sound cold, as we really wanted to rank this one higher than the bottom slot, but after much reflection, love, light, and prayers to the main man upstairs, Barry “Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli” Zuckercorn, we couldn’t do so in good conscience. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again ad nauseam, it’s tough for a band with a revered and expansive catalog like Gob to consistently put out hit after hit after hit after hit. So, “Apt. 13” is go-od, but not gr-eh-at, so it legally has to start this piece, and we see no counter argument for such unless we do. Still, any Gob release is an enjoyable romp, making it the same as it ever was, so “Apt. 13” is better than some band’s best LPs. We think that the long gap between this one and its predecessor “Muertos Vivos” didn’t help its cause.

Play it again: “Radio Hell”
Skip it: Most of it is good but not great, so take your pick

5. Too Late… No Friends (1995)

Since we just semi-brutally dissected the band’s newest LP “Apt. 13,” let’s get to their oldest right this very moment, Gob’s cult favorite debut LP “Too Late… No Friends.” This record is definitely fun AF for kids of all ages with dirty mouths and minds, but the songs don’t translate as well from a songwriting and production standpoint in 2023 as they likely did in the mid-90s. To put it bluntly, all vocals and instruments got so much better for the next five, but this record’s charm is what got it ranked just above the dreaded lowest position here at number six. Also, you know you’re in for quite a treat when your album’s longest song clocks in at two minutes and seventeen seconds and is called “Asshole TV,” and that the second longest is named after WWF, not WWE’s, Goldust’s slimy savvy vixen seductive smokeshow valet Marlena.

Play it again: “Soda”
Skip it: There are slightly more good songs here than on “Apt. 13,” but take your pick again

4. The World According to Gob (2000)

Slots three and four here in this piece could be swapped depending on the day, but on this very day, Ellin beats Sleepyhead by a small yet winning margin; that’s just the way that it is, morons with 144 problems. Gob’s third LP “The World According to Gob” not only features their own band name in its title, but as of today, certainly yesterday, and likely tomorrow, is their best selling effort, Juno, yes Juno nominated, and officially certified Gold in Canada. Also, as you may or may not know, “I Hear You Calling” is likely Gob’s biggest hit in Canada and “hit” stateside, so you can listen to it twice: once here, and once on its follow-up “Foot in Mouth Disease.” In closing, “The World According To Gob” has the band’s coolest cover art.

Play it again: “I Hear You Calling”
Skip it: “ExShuffle”

3. Foot in Mouth Disease (2003)

After a fun, fun, fun release via Arista Records, then-home to peers who never took off called Wakefield, (freaking) OutKast, nu-metal sludgers with a heart of gold and stone known as Adema, and KIDZ BOP superstar GG Allin, called “F.U. EP” shortly after “The World According To Gob” hit stores, the four-piece released their fourth studio album “Foot In Mouth Disease.” and said record is WAY too slept on for its own good. We wish that the world was more according to Gob than other mid pop-punk acts that did better domestically during the early-aughts, and we are not specifically singling anyone out in print, so you can surmise who we are referring to in your bones, cold feet, this evil world, and boring lives. We’re forever fed up with the music industry, but don’t worry, we won’t cut ourselves whilst we are in deep thought about spoiled lemon-aid.

Play it again: “Oh! Ellin”
Skip it: “Bully”

2. How Far Shallow Takes You (1998)

This is a non-shallow substantive, yet bite-sized Jordans Morning Crisp Wild About Berries cereal box commentary regarding Gob’s last ‘90s release: “How Far Shallow Takes You” is easily one of the most enjoyable melodic punk rock albums of all time, and “236 E. Broadway,” a track covered perfectly by Silverstein on “Short Songs,” might be the best opening track to ANY late-90s rock record; we’re the self-appointed leaders of musical authority, so we will forever stand, deliver, bury your past, and paint it, black. Ok? Cool! Also, “How Far Shallow Takes You,” for lack of a better term, took the band to their biggest heights at the time, and certainly caused “suits” to take notice, and Nettwerk Management proved such by re-releasing the then-Fearless Records, err, release. Together things happen all the time, so please assist in letting love reign o’er me, you, all we are, and Crown Royal.

Play it again: “236 E. Broadway”
Skip it: “Together”

1. Muertos Vivos (2007)

Why isn’t number #5, #4, or #2 in the gold medal slot in this stupid bad take article ranking all of Gob’s studio albums? Well we have two words for you that apply to every season: You’re wrong. Wake up, face the ashes, get a new prescription to pain medication, and check out this “no skip” slept upon Gob release right this very moment. Still feel nothing, banshees? Pity. “Muertos Vivos” is Gob at their angry best, and said emotion is translated perfectly in musical form here. This album is the literal dawning of the age of Aquarius, the living dead declaring war on cemeteries, Ash Wednesday, and your least favorite family member, likely named Tula. In conclusion, the band’s moms may be concerned with what Gob became, but we love their 2007 headstrong, heavy, huggable, and hellish vibe.

Play it again: All of it so we can bring it to the foreground
Skip it: None of it so you embitter us in a sour manner

Unplugged Kraftwerk Show Just Four Germans Staring at Audience

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Bex Kane

ANTWERP, Belgium — An “unplugged” performance by German electronic music titans Kraftwerk at Antwerp’s TRIX caused confusion after the band primarily stared down the audience without music for a good 60 minutes, sources confirmed.

“Obviously I thought an unplugged Kraftwerk show sounded like a weird idea to begin with, but I mean, it seemed like they would be kinda pushing their own artistic boundaries,” attendee Inge Kemmerer told us. “But then when it was time for them to come out, they set up their synths like they would have for a normal show, and then literally unplugged them. Then they just stood there, looking at us all intense. They somehow didn’t even blink the whole time. Had to look away a few times because the extreme eye contact was too intense. Still a great show though. I’d go again.”

Kraftwerk founder and frontman Ralf Hütter seemed glad to try something new.

“We had heard of these ‘unplugged shows’ for years, you know,” Hütter explained, maintaining his characteristic cool demeanor. “It confused us a bit at first, really. But the more we thought about it, the more we realized this was a great opportunity for artistic expression. Think of it this way: when we record, we are creating music without the element of live performance. So why shouldn’t we see what happens when we create the live performance without the music? And so we set this show up. We think it turned out excellently, in the end. A good experiment and a good show.”

The sound engineer Ben Smith from the show was unsure how to prepare for this one.

“Yeah, I’ve worked some weird fucking shows, but I feel like this was really something else,” Smith told us, brushing off the front of his Misfits shirt. “They insisted on having this full sound check, even though there was no sound. They kept yelling at me about the monitors, and I was like, you’re not using the fucking monitors! But I turned a couple knobs and they nodded and I guess it was all good. It was worse than the time I got hired for an all-instrumental set by Rockapella. Still though, it was really impressive how much intensity these guys were able to put out while doing nothing. Anyway, I got paid and nobody even noticed me walking off with like 500 feet of cable 20 minutes into the show, so I’m not gonna complain.”

In related news, the “dancing guy” from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones announced a solo unplugged performance at Red Rocks.

GOP Debate to Feature Goldendoodle Who Only Barks at Black People

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Freelancer

MIAMI — Skippy, a two-year-old Goldendoodle who only barks at Black folks, qualified for the third GOP primary debate being held tonight at Miami’s Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts, sources confirmed.

“In order to qualify for this primary debate, candidates needed to poll at 4% or higher in two national polls, have at least 70,000 unique donors, and promise to support whoever is the final nominee,” said RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel. “Skippy, a racist…I’m sorry…uhh…good dog, has not only met all the qualifications to appear on stage tonight, but he is blowing Ron DeSantis out of the water when it comes to campaign donations. Skippy polls especially well with older white women who have pet allergies. We’re looking forward to a substantive debate on the issues.”

Republican candidate Nikki Haley criticized the late addition of Skippy to the debate and attacked the bigoted canine for his lack of concrete policy positions.

“If I’m being honest, it is absolutely absurd that we’re allowing Skippy to participate in this debate. It’s absurd not because he’s racist…I mean…NOT racist…or because he’s a dog but because he hasn’t taken a stand on ANY of the issues impacting real Americans,” said Haley. “What is his position on Israel? Where does he stand on abortion? How does he plan to combat the leftist forces working to undermine the Constitution? If you asked Skippy, you wouldn’t know! Because he hasn’t spoken about these issues at all. The most he does is sit on command, anyone can do that.”

Janet and Mark Smith, residents of The Villages in central Florida and Skippy’s owners, said Skippy’s insurgent campaign has caught them by surprise.

“I just want to clear the air here,” said Mr. Smith. “Just because Skippy is my racist…sorry…my VERY GOOD boy and is running for president DOES NOT mean I don’t still support President Trump. Because I do. OK? You all in the lamestream media need to hear that. This whole ‘Skippy running for president’ idea was my wife’s. She thought it’d be cute to make a ‘Skippy for 2024’ Instagram page. My granddaughter taught me how to use it. I had no idea he’d gain such a supportive, viral following among my fellow conservatives. They especially liked the videos where he’s barking at certain strangers while on our walks.”

At press time, Skippy was outside the Miami venue growling at Tim Scott’s campaign bus.

50 Best Music References In “The Venture Bros.” Ranked By What They Signal From The Illuminati

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Rob Steinberg

It has been an open secret for years that “The Venture Bros.” creators Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick are both connected with the invisible hands that manipulate our world. There’s even a recurring character with invisible hands. Not to mention that Monarch butterflies are connected with MK Ultra. There are not many reasons that a show twice as long and thrice as animated as their other 2003 programming would be not only picked up, but on the air for 15 years despite not raking in as many viewers as a “Family Guy” rerun. “The Venture Bros” is equivalent to the mysterious channels on the radio that just recite numbers instead of numbers, but with deep-cut pop culture references. After several hours of decoding these references, it became clear that the music references were the most important. Here are the top 50 most important findings:

50. Republica

Monarch says that when he first met Dr. Girlfriend she looked like Saffron from Republica. This is accurate in her flashbacks as the name Queen Etherea. The exact dates of these flashbacks are unknown, but it hints at when Queen Elizabeth secretly retook control of England’s Republic

49. In Living Color

In The Forecast Manufacturer, The Monarch and 21 are wearing wetsuits which he claims make him look like they’re in the Cult Of Personality music video. It kind of looks like that enough since the singer is wearing a bright colored onesie. Can you think of any cults that center around “personality” or perhaps “personality tests”? We are not allowed to say as they fund this website, but much like the episode, they control the weather.

48. The Human League

In “Assisted Suicide,” 21 completely butchers “Don’t You Want Me” by The Human League with a completely different rhythm than the actual one. Or did he? What he sang was the real rhythm of the song that only the elites are allowed to know about. This will also likely be the only reference to New Wave or ’80s music on this list.

47. Kraftwerk

While goofing off in a mech suit, Pete White sings the song “Robots” by Kraftwerk. We as Americans are not slacking off in real life due to an electronic music classic, or so the Germans have us believe.

46. Phil Spectre and Harry Nilsson

Two of Dr. Z’s evil friends include Shrill Spectre and Scarry Nilsson. Shrill Spectre attacks with a Wall of Sound and a huge guess here, probably also likes trying to shoot people. Harry Nilsson wrote “The Point,” which takes place in a society that refuses to believe that nothing can exist without a point. Harry Nilsson was a discordian agent that Venture Bros wants you to think is equal to murderers like Spectre.

45. Led Zeppelin

Brock loves Led Zeppelin. He references Led Zeppelin all the time in the show until the end of season 2 when he gets a tattoo of Icarus without wings. Whatever the show was trying to tell us, they were letting us know that they were flying too close to the sun on that one and got their wings clipped.

44. Adam Ant Fashion Montage

Dr. Z has a Clueless-style fantasy of going on a shopping montage and dressing Guild Agent S-464 to look like Prince Charming-era Adam Ant. Adam Ant is secretly in control of all future fashion trends and has the ones for the next 30 years planned out.

43. Mark Knopfler and Loverboy

To cover up the fact that he has six eyes, Jared wears an ’80s headband that welcomes him to be compared to the band Loverboy and Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits by bullies. Mark Knopfler is also who The Monarch is supposed to be when he’s playing party games in “Home Is Where The Hate Is.” Both The Monarch and Jared are awkwardly tall. Dire Straits is most famous these days for containing arguably the first CGI in television. The tall people are responsible for the evil replacement of CGI with practical effects in movies.

42. Mr. Roboto

Dr. Dugong protects himself and the cuttlefish with Mr. Roboto from the Styx music video. Styx is known for being lame music. They want you to think manatees and cuttlefish are lame to avoid people from seeing what is really hiding in the ocean.

41. Rusty’s Dorm Posters

In Rusty’s dorm room, he has knock-off posters for bands such as Pink Floyd and Yes but strangely just straight up the poster for the album “You” by Gong. You is the final part of the “Radio Gnome Invisible” trilogy and VB is telling You that it’s the only thing that is true.

40. The Specials

Colonel Gentleman’s full name is Colonel Horace Gentleman, a reference to the nickname Horace Gentlemen for the bass player for the Specials. Colonel Gentlemen is full of Sean Connery references, so this is the secret wink that Sean Connery is actually the bass player for the Specials.

39. Christmas Songs

Did you know that the creators of the show also release Christmas songs every year? Some include joke versions of “Fairytale In New York” by The Pogues, “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton, and “A Spaceman Came Travelling” by Chris De Burgh. These aren’t even in the show, this is extra homework needed to be done. They are likely released as a part of a blood pact deal with Santa and the consumerist leaders.

38. Jesse’s Girl

While at the altar for The Monarch’s wedding, Dr. Venture quotes lines from “Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield. Oddly enough, the song was originally going to be called “Gary’s Girl” but Springfield decided to change it. Gary(21) is in love with The Monarch’s wife not unlike Dr. Venture. Isn’t that a fun fact? Where was I going with this one?

37. Captain Sunshine and Wonderboy

Captain Sunshine is a Superman parallel with the power of sunshine. Though unconfirmed, this is likely a reference to the Donovan song “Sunshine Superman.” His sidekick meanwhile, is probably-not-by-coincidence the same name as the song “Wonderboy” by the Kinks. If you play both songs at the same time, you will find where exactly on the sun the real president lives.

36. The Doors Movie

When an Andy Warhol-themed group of villains take over Doctor Venture’s building, the Andy Warhol-like Wes Warhammer recreates the scene from Oliver Stone’s “The Doors” biopic in which Crispen Glover plays Andy Warhol. Crispen Glover actually does have a phone that lets him speak to God.

35. Buddy Holly And The Big Bopper

Council of 13 members Red Mantle and Dragoon are heavily implied to be Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper sewn together. This is based off the truth that the day the music died was actually not the literal death of music but rather the sewing together of genres. The Big Bopper claims he invented hip hop so by being sewn together they represent the creation of Nu Metal in the late 1950s.

34. Yazoo

Watch or Ward apparently has too many Yaz albums. Yaz, or Yazoo as the people who think their British call them, only released two albums so the others are just the same songs as compilations and remixes. Or so the nonelite are to believe. Yazoo has created multiple albums only billionaires are allowed to know about.

33. Jesus Jones And Ladysmith Black Mambazo!

In “20 Years To Midnight,” Doctor Venture shouts out the name of the South African Chorus group Ladysmith Black Mambazo as an exclamation. Later on in the episode The Pirate Captain shouts out Jesus Jones as if an exclamation as well, but then is revealed he was remembering one of his favorite bands. You can connect the dots from there.

32. Stop Making Sense

When King Gorilla is emaciated from falling ill, The Monarch compares how he looks in his clothes to David Byrnes wearing the giant suit in “Stop Making Sense.” This is because David Byrnes is the real Koko The Gorilla and there’s no real explanation why.

31. Whitesnake

While explaining the birds and the bees to Dean, Doctor Venture somehow uses the music video to “Here I Go Again” to help explain things. Specifically about how the singer left his wife for the model in the music video leading to what Rusty and Brock both believe was the band’s downfall. Tawny Kitaen did cause Whitesnake’s downfall but because she was the one who worked with the Illuminati to destroy all hair metal with grunge.

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Hawthorne Heights Merch Table Only Selling Abortions and Weed Now

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Freelancer

DAYTON, Ohio — Members of Hawthorne Heights announced they would be pivoting their merch strategy at shows in their home state following a vote to make weed legal and protect abortion rights, multiple sources confirmed.

“We want to ride this wave of enthusiasm so we partnered with a local weed vendor to create our own ‘Hawthorne High-ts’ strain of weed. Most of the band is straight edge, so we kind of just have to take everyone else at their word that this isn’t some skunk weed,” said guitarist and frontman JT Woodruff. “We also partnered with Planned Parenthood to give counseling to any woman dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. We will not personally be performing any of the abortions, but anyone who buys a package from us will get a password-protected link to a Vimeo video of a special live performance that they can watch during the procedure.”

The new merch offerings were seen positively by younger scene members, but older scenesters believe Hawthorne Heights has gone too far.

“I look around at shows and it looks nothing like it did back in the glory days of 2003. Back then bands only sold one piece of merch. It was a black Gildan shirt with white ink, and the biggest size you could get was medium. Nothing fit, and we loved it,” said 47-year-old Ezra Hansen. “Now instead of vegan literature everyone immediately tossed in the trash these kids are getting quality pot and access to reproductive care? It makes me sick. If things keep going this way then soon I won’t be able to carry my gun into shows anymore.”

Lawmakers in states surrounding Ohio warned the band about touring with their new merch items.

“Here in West Virginia, we have strong family values. That is why women who are pregnant through incest only have eight weeks to seek an abortion after jumping through many legal hoops,” said Governor Jim Justice. “We don’t want these rock and roll bands bringing their contraband to our great state. Thankfully most music acts drive right through to bigger markets, and that’s the way it should be. The only entertainment we need here is all found within the pages of the Bible.”

At press time, members of The National vowed to get increased visitation rights for divorced dads on the ballot in Ohio for next year.

Historians Discover CBGB Originally Stood for Cock, Balls, Garbage, and Butt

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Ryan Dondero

NEW YORK — Recently discovered journals from the founder of the famed punk and hardcore club CBGB revealed that the venue’s name originally stood for “Cock, Balls, Garbage, and Butt,” surprised historians confirmed.

“I was incredibly fortunate to be given unique access to the journals of CBGB founder, Mr. Hilly Kristal, by his estate,” said Sharon Holland, a professor of history at New York University. “These journals are truly a treasure trove of information about the music scene of the Lower East Side in the early 1970s. Hilly’s writing touches on a variety of issues; from the cost of a liquor license to squabbles with his landlord. Most shockingly, however, one entry revealed that CBGB didn’t originally stand for Country, BlueGrass, and Blues, as was previously thought, but for Cock, Balls, Garbage, and Butt. You can imagine the absolute tizzy this has caused the academic and musical communities.”

Kristal’s lifelong friend, Linda Page, remembers him bouncing around a lot of different ideas before opening the club.

“Hilly was an extremely creative guy. He talked endlessly about what type of bands he’d book, how to use the space, and what the CBGB name would ultimately stand for,” said Page. “I don’t remember him saying where he originally came up with the CBGB acronym but I do remember some of the more outrageous names he threw out there: Cat, Blimp, Gremlin, Boner; Cobbler, Bilge, Goober, Barf; and Chicken, Bent, Garlic, Blitz, to name a few. And then, of course, there was the full CBGB & OMFUG name Hilly initially settled on: ‘Cock, Balls, Garbage, Butt and Otter Mothers for Ulcer Goopers.’ He only booked one show with that name, though. Then he changed it to the now world-famous Country, Bluegrass, Blues, and other Music for Uplifting Gormandizers.”

Lifelong Bowery punk Shane Terry claims to have been one of only a few people in attendance for that first CBGB show.

“I’m glad they discovered Hilly’s journals because no one ever believes me when I say I saw the first and only show at the original CBGB,” said Terry. “All these fucking posers are out here acting like they saw Talking Heads or some shit, and we all know that they not only didn’t see anything there before like 2002, they also don’t know the true name of the damn place. I was there on opening night, but all the bad actors in the scene make it impossible for anyone to hear me out. I’m an unrepentant liar so it makes sense but still…it’s nice to tell the truth and have that truth vindicated by history, you know?”

At press time, the now-closed CBGB at Newark Airport was attempting a rebrand using the “original” name.

Gold Digger? My Wife Is Demanding I Pay Back All the Money I Owe Her

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Dom Turek

If you think giving women credit cards in 1974 and making spousal rape a crime in 1993 would be enough liberation for one century, you would be wrong. Some women won’t be satisfied until they’ve taken you for every penny you owe them.

When I found out my wife was only staying married to me so I could repay the massive debt I owed her, I was devastated. She didn’t strike me as a money-grubber, especially since she knows I haven’t been steadily employed since 2012, but it just goes to show, you can’t truly trust anyone.

In the beginning, it was all thoughtful gifts and expensive dinners, but the most romantic thing she does now is pay for my car insurance since she’d “rather die” than let me drive her car. Apparently after two DUIs, no one trusts you behind the wheel of an automobile anymore. I guess all that “in sickness and in health” stuff didn’t include my addiction to Twisted Tea and poor impulse control.

I’m sure when the divorce proceedings are set in motion, she’ll magically forget about all those two times I bought her lunch with the money I earned stealing a tip jar from a coffee shop and the countless nights I let her work overtime and was forced to order myself a pizza.

Luckily, this isn’t my first time dealing with a shameless greedmonger. One day your partner is politely asking you to pay your portion of the rent “whenever you can” and the next she’s taking out a life insurance policy on you before bringing you on a long hike where she’ll ask you to pose for a scenic picture on the edge of a suspiciously lethal looking cliff.

This betrayal should hardly come as a surprise since I know a couple of her ex-boyfriends whom she also scammed into paying back the money they owed her, but I never imagined I’d be her latest extortion victim. My friends tried to warn me she was only staying married to me for her money, but I was just a young naive 37-year-old man then. If I’m not careful, she couldn’t end up taking me for everything she’s worth.