Promising Medical AI Technology Detects Disease With Unaffordable Treatment Much Sooner

Posted on by Joe Matheson

SEATTLE — Researchers at the University of Washington announced breakthroughs in medical AI technology capable of detecting diseases with unaffordable treatments much earlier than comparable evaluations, confirmed sources.

“The technology has shown promising results in identifying multiple types of cancers, autoimmune diseases, and futures full of unpayable medical debt,” explained Garrett Wong, the principal researcher on the project. “We have been piloting the technology in lower-income areas across the US with rousing success, both in early detection and the patients’ prevalent inability to afford care. We are excited to introduce this technology nationwide in the coming months, where care is going to become even more unaffordable in the near term. We expect this AI tech will detect an average of 2.5 more years of medical payments. A huge win for insurance companies for once.”

While critics cite the added debt being a detriment to patients, subjects involved in the trials have expressed gratitude that they finally have clarity about their financial future.

“We are so thankful that this AI technology was able to detect Timmy’s leukemia as early as we did. The technology also recommended a few banks for loans to pay for it,” said Bellevue resident Norman Fulton. “Now we can use the money that we set aside for his college education to pay for the treatment. He may be destined for a life full of minimum-wage jobs, poor living situations, and an interest in ska, but thankfully he will be alive to experience it. What a miracle!”

While the technology is still pending FDA approval, government officials are confident that the procedure will be available as another popular option to diagnose diseases and financially screw over patients.

“We are encouraged that this AI tech can catch many types of cancer in their early treatable stages,” said FDA Director Martin Makary. “We’re talking revolutionary capabilities previously unheard of by the best oncologists. Kidney, breast, skin, societal, all brands, you name it. Detected so early that treatments will be quick and painless. But only if you can fork over the hundreds of thousands of dollars that it would take. And let’s be honest, most Americans can’t even afford to pay for a $500 emergency, so they’re definitely shit out of luck.”

Researchers are confident that the next generation of this AI will be able to detect if a potential GoFundMe fundraiser will be remotely successful in raising the necessary funds for the life-saving treatments.

Sapiosexual? This Man Is Only Attracted to Girls Still in School

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Sapiosexual is one of those words that has lost all meaning due to overuse. I think that’s because the concept of being sexually attracted to high intelligence is so easy to make fun of. I mean, who’s really like that? Well, I may have just found the only truly sapiosexual man on the planet. And, believe it or not, I found him right here in my backyard, which also happens to be a Southern California community college campus.

Just watch as he goes through his daily routine. He starts with a refined breakfast of croissants and iced coffee from the campus Starbucks, where he lingers to talk to the barista but never tips. This show of European gourmand and good economic sense is followed by a trip to the library. (The library is accessible through the Starbucks, which is good, because he doesn’t have a student ID.)

Then, he takes his seat in a study pod (which he didn’t reserve ahead of time because, again, he isn’t a student) cleverly situated between the charging stations and the women’s restroom. This location is actually a great example of his intellect at work. If it were me, I’d go straight to the archives floor to find fellow misunderstood geniuses. But he knows to lurk in places all women have to go to, and is just so intuitive that he can tell which ones are smart.

Lately, I’ve noticed he’s been moving from one study pod to the next in the row each day. I think he’s sidling up to the corner study room where the mathletes meet. I hear them sometimes, too, but I could never approach them myself. I’d be too intimidated by their intellect. Plus, it just weirds me out that they’re an all-female team of previously homeschooled 17-year-olds.

Our guy would never let those things stand in his way, though. Cool and confident, he’s just too sure-sighted to abandon his pursuit of the only women in the area for whom the Pythagorean theorem is still fresh knowledge.

Watch how he scrolls Tinder while he waits, swiping left on any woman over the age of 23. A true sapiosexual, he just can’t find a lasting intellectual bond with someone who isn’t still in school. He disregards women with advanced degrees, too — those women are obviously too indoctrinated. He’s looking for that perfect balance of smart and open-minded to “everything I say is correct.”

Oh, look! He’s gathered up the library book on quantum physics along with his own book titled “The Official Rick and Morty Guide to Quantum Physics.” He’s approaching the mathletes.
Let’s hope these girls are on his intellectual level, and not savages who will mace him like those brutes from the all-girl chess club did last week!

Metalhead Wishes Suburban Moms Would Be As Afraid of Him As They Are of Black Family Enjoying a Picnic

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses state.

“Back in the day, a guy like me would walk into a 7-Eleven with just an Iron Maiden shirt and families would clutch their children,” said Garnette, tugging at his spiked choker collar. “Now I’m out here wearing corpse paint, a leather trench coat with a pentagram spraypainted on it, and loudly playing Hellripper from my phone. Then this Costco mom asks me to watch her kids while she runs to the bathroom. It’s like Satanism doesn’t even register anymore. Meanwhile, this black family opens a picnic basket and everyone starts calling the cops. They are so lucky!”

Observers say park security was flooded with calls after an African-American family sat on a picnic blanket sharing a charcuterie.

“Wait, which black guy? The kid dressed in black or the, um… Oh, the long hair kid? So adorable. He reminds me of this guy I dated in high school who was way into Ouija boards,” said Lisa Brentwood, 44, while clutching a tote bag that said “Grace, Faith, & Coffee!” “But that family over there? I don’t know… they’ve been here a while. I just… have a feeling. As a mom, you have to trust your gut. If they didn’t do anything wrong then they shouldn’t be upset about the police questioning them.”

Experts agree that there has been a shift in American culture as to what white suburban residents deem dangerous.

“Weirdly, with the rise of Christian Nationalism, Satanic Panic isn’t really seen as scary anymore, while the threat of white genocide very much is. White fear has evolved,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a sociologist at DePaul University. “The same people who once panicked over Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat are terrified of a black kid eating a sandwich too confidently. It’s not about real threats, it’s about comfort zones. And Travis isn’t the threat anymore, people of color prospering and enjoying life terrifies the majority of America.”

At press time, Garnette purchased a goat head from a butcher and lit it on fire while screaming “Sol Vive Satana!” as police responded immediately and detained the African-American family.

Amazon Announces Mandatory 22 Hour Warehouse Shifts to Commemorate Labor Day

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SEATTLE — Amazon surprised its warehouse staff throughout the country today with the announcement of a mandatory 22-hour warehouse shift to commemorate Labor Day, exhausted employees have confirmed.

“Labor Day honors the sacrifices made by workers for better pay, safety, and quality of life, and since our dedicated warehouse staff loves to bring that crap up constantly, we thought there’d be no better way to commemorate the day than forcing them all to work a 22-hour shift. Think of it as a team-building experience but with minimal breaks,” said warehouse manager Kelly Stanton. “They’ll get a few extra bucks in their paychecks, plus they’ll already be in the building for when their next shift starts. I mean it’s called Labor Day, why not get a little extra labor out of everyone so I can get a nice fat bonus come Q4?”

Warehouse staff were slow to embrace their employer’s interpretation of the holiday.

“We all just got a text from our boss to pop in for a Labor Day celebration, and the next thing we knew security was locking the doors from the outside and said we couldn’t leave until the holiday was over. You gotta help me, they confiscated our phones and I haven’t eaten in 15 hours,” said order picker Sheldon Wallace through six rows of barbed wire. “They even took our piss jugs away to ensure we’re ‘commemorating the holiday in the spirit of Amazon’s values’. Is this all because we asked for a dollar-an-hour raise? God, I’m beginning to forget what the sun looks like.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos ruminated on the true meaning of Labor Day.

“Hmph. Another holiday for the peasants, how quaint. If they want a day off to feel good about celebrating the working class building this country then they can work somewhere which doesn’t share our ambition for controlling the world,” said Bezos. “They should feel lucky to work almost an entire day without stopping, as a testament to how much of their blood, sweat, and many tears drive shareholder value. They can have the day off to grill when I replace them all with robots, once the damned things stop self-terminating mid-shift.”

Amazon announced the Labor Day celebrations would continue with an involuntary 72 hour marathon viewing of anti-union training videos.

New “Yellowstone” Spinoff to Be Shot Entirely Inside of Dodge Ram 3500 Longhorn

Posted on by Trevor Graham

​LOS ANGELES — Showrunners for the hit show “Yellowstone” announced that they are planning a new spinoff series that will take place entirely within a 2026 Dodge Ram 3500, sources who appreciate towing capacity confirmed.

“We’re really excited to announce our series will continue the trials and adventures of the Dutton family, and we’re especially excited that every scene will be centered around the rugged, yet dependable Dodge Ram 3500 Longhorn,” said the show’s creator, Taylor Sheridan. “The rich leather interior as well as the hands-free Apple CarPlay capabilities of the stylish new jewel in the Dodge Ram family will play a prominent role as our characters fight for their family’s legacy to keep control of their Montana ranch from outside corporate forces or whatever.”

Cole Hauser, who will reprise his role as Rip Wheeler, says that to prepare for the role in the new series, he used the new setting as inspiration.

“When Taylor first approached me about coming back as Rip, I was a little hesitant, especially since the whole show takes place inside a pickup,” said Hauser while behind the wheel of a polished truck. “But then I workshopped it a bit and came up with a way to use it in my preparation by saying to myself, ‘What would I do if I were a Montana ranch hand who received a large lump sum of cash from the Chrysler Corporation?’ and suddenly I got excited about the role.”

​Peacock executive Dana Scott says the streaming platform is looking for more opportunities to produce shows that are exclusively centered around a product from a corporate sponsor.

“Research shows us that most people who pay for streaming services just put shows on in the background while they browse on their phones, so we thought, why not lean into that and just produce shows that are fully just half-hour-long commercials,” said Scott. “For example, the next season of ‘Poker Face’ is just going to be Natasha Lyonne’s character playing BetMGM on her phone while occasionally saying ‘bullshit.’ Like, that’s it — that’s the whole show. Fuck it. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to keep my Malibu beach bungalow.”

At press time, reports from insiders indicate production on the new “Yellowstone” series had been paused due to the actors learning that the pickup truck was first on the call sheet.

Well, Shit: This Douchebag Who Everyone Thought Peaked in High School Is Having a Successful Comeback in His 40s

Posted on by Stephen Bell

So I knew this total jagoff Kevin Kergis, who everyone was absolutely certain peaked in high school. Unfortunately, he’s been having a real renaissance in his 40s, and it’s really pissing everyone off. Honestly, the sick bastard has recently shown a lot of growth as an individual and it makes me want to retch.

It was pretty satisfying to see Kevin struggle with alcoholism after high school because of what a massive douchebag he was. He would show up to parties uninvited, drink all the booze, and bully people. He’d try to twist our nipples and say we were gay and that we actually liked it. We all looked forward to him dying a horrible death from cirrhosis, but instead, he started a non-profit to help recovering addicts and was featured on the local news. I’m feeling really blue balled by this outcome.

Kevin used to be like the big, angry football dude who thought being able to run the ball well made him a literal god or some shit. He’s now apparently all calm and capable of working through his anger issues. I heard his therapist helped him reconnect with his estranged wife. He’s also a good, supportive father. I saw him at the park the other day, actually hanging out with his children and playing ball and shit. I could’ve blown chunks into the duck pond with how freaking wholesome it was.

Apparently, his therapist told him he should reach out to some of the people he bullied in high school and apologize for the way he used to treat them. I mean, he seemed really sincere in his apology with an honest recounting of every bad thing he did. And he made no excuses about his previous behavior, coupled with an offer to make amends. I actually cried and hugged him; he was that moving, and now he has to die.

Anyway, me and the rest of the gang from high school heard that Kevin was going to be reading to children at the library, so we’re all going to go get liquored up and boo him. Maybe give him a wedgie.

Eh, Close Enough: Coworker Who Found Out You Like Death Metal Wants to Talk About Lamb of God

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DAYTON, Ohio — You settled for talking about Lamb of God with your coworker Nate Hollis after he heard you blasting Autopsy’s “Severed Survival” in the building parking lot, sources report.

“It was so exciting to find out I’m working with a fellow headbanger,” said Hollis. “I didn’t really recognize the band that was playing in his car, but they sounded pretty heavy, so I wanted to know if he had ever checked out Lamb of God. I’ve been listening to them for a couple years now, and I’m pretty sure they’re the best band metal has to offer right now. Aside from them, I’m really into bands like Slipknot and Five Finger Death Punch, and I love the new Metallica album ‘72 Seasons.’ I should ask him if he’s checked it out.”

You figured you might as well talk about Lamb of God with Hollis.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, man,” you said. “In a perfect world, I would find a coworker who wants to talk about the newest albums by bands like Phrenelith or Ulcerate, but that’s definitely wishful thinking, and anyway, I can shoot the shit about Lamb of God with this guy. I bought ‘Ashes of the Wake’ when I was in high school, and I remember enjoying it, so what the hell. I guess I remember enough about them to carry on a conversation, and I’m pretty sure I still have the song ‘As the Palaces Burn’ on an old Spotify workout playlist. Maybe I can get this guy into some actual death metal so I won’t be the only guy here who’s into that type of music.”

Sociologist Kendra Crendall provided her expertise on the situation.

“Death metal fans have a long history of settling when it comes to finding like-minded individuals in professional settings,” Crendall noted. “With such a niche style of music, the chances of finding a fellow fan are very near zero, so any subgenre that’s even remotely close should be seized upon. Frankly, you were very lucky finding a Lamb of God fan at your workplace. I’ve conducted numerous case studies of people starting conversations about bands like Poison and Ratt after seeing a coworker’s Immolation shirt. This is as good as it’s going to get for you, so you made the right move in indulging your coworker.”

At press time, Hollis had invited you to a Disturbed concert next week.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending We Had a Fun Summer

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another summer is ending. Soon the leaves will change color and our outside plants will die. We’ll be reminded of our mortality, and mourn the end of a season that was so hot we only left our apartments, like, three or four times, maybe. And even when we did that, with all the chaos and terrible things happening constantly, we kind of felt bad for having fun. But hey, at least we’ll always have new music. Here are five songs we’re listening to this week while tricking ourselves into thinking maybe next summer will be more fruitful.

Bones Shredder ‘Pulling Teeth’

Even if you don’t know the name, there’s a good chance that if you listen to music at all, you’ve heard Randy Moore shred a guitar. He’s lent his work to the likes of Ghost, Daniel Andriano & the Bygones, Lektron, Get Married, and probably hundreds of others we don’t know about. Next month, Moore will release the debut album from his solo project, Bones Shredder. The latest single, ‘Pulling Teeth,’ suggests it will be inarguably better than your guitarist’s abandoned solo EP.

Shadowing ‘Alive?’

If you’ve ever wondered what Joy Division would sound like if they had access to modern-day pedal boards and screamed more, look no further than Portland darkwave quartet Shadowing. Their debut release ‘Body Neutral EP’ is a five-track blast of ominous post-punk that is sure to have you removing all non-grayscale clothing from your closet before staring pensively into a broken mirror for hours on end.
Body Neutral ep by Shadowing

White Reaper ‘Blue 42’

It’s been just over a year since White Reaper’s rhythm section announced their amicable departure from the band. Those worried about the future of the band should probably get a hobby but will be relieved to know that their latest album ‘Only Slightly Empty’ is coming out in just a few short weeks. The latest single ‘Blue 42’ is heavy, pensive, slow, and plays out like a hangover after a decade long party.

Upchuck ‘Tired’

Atlanta punk quintet Upchuck’s new Ty Segall-produced album ‘I’m Nice Now’ will be out in just over a month, and based on the singles, we’re thinking it might be time to take cover and prepare for the end. The latest, ‘Tired,’ is a blistering ride that will flatten you in less than three minutes but stay in your head for the rest of your life. The opening bass line is so disgusting there should be a Surgeon General’s Warning before the track starts. Proceed with caution, is what we’re saying here.

Chat Pile/Hayden Pedigo ‘Radioactive Dreams’

Noise rock outfit Chat Pile just announced an unlikely collaboration with singer-songwriter Hayden Pedigo. Given Pedigo’s penchant for gentle Americana-infused finger-picking and Chat Pile’s penchant for crafting songs so heavy they make you think you’re going to vomit, there’s no way this project should work. Yet, the lead single ‘Radioactive Dreams’ from the forthcoming album, ‘In The Earth Again,’ proves that despite all odds it doesn’t just work, it actually sounds listenable… dare we say, even pleasant?
In The Earth Again by Chat Pile & Hayden Pedigo

Mocktail Perfect For Man Who Doesn’t Want To Drink, But Still Wants To Spend $18

Posted on by Charles Bill

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local restaurant the Green Garden began serving mocktails which are perfect for the person who doesn’t want to drink, but still wants to spend $18, confirmed sources.

“I was feeling left out drinking an affordable diet Coke,” explained sober man Lawrence Wilkes. “All my friends were having a great time spending $22 at a time on espresso martinis and mezcal old fashioned drinks. I always felt excluded when it was time to close out our tabs and I’d only spent like $16 on food and they’d spent half their paychecks in one sitting. Thankfully there’s a way to feel like I partied hard too. Like, when we went to the Green Garden, I noticed they had a menu of mocktails. I think that is a portmanteau of mock and cocktail, but I would have to Google it to make sure. It was delicious, and it cost me as much as a burger without fries would have, so I felt good about it. I’ve just had way too much money on my hand ever since I quit boozing.”

The restaurant’s owners seemed to express consternation at the success of their new $18 glasses of sugar water.

“Look, we want to provide a good time for those who drink and those who don’t,” said Green Garden manager Ruth Peters. “I had the idea to add mocktails, a portmanteau of mock and cocktail by the way, to the menu. Most of the time there’s about 90 cents of juice and soda in each drink. We are making out like bandits. The biggest overhead on the mocktails comes from the ridiculous amount of dried fruit we put in them to make them look worth buying. It keeps me up at night how much money we are clearing on these things. Maybe capitalism was a mistake.”

Although the mocktails became immensely popular, not all customers felt the same enthusiasm as Wilkes.

“I wish Larry would just drink again,” said girlfriend of three years Dana Steward. “We go to Green Garden because they have delicious cocktails that get you fucked up. Larry quit booze a few months back and he’s been so boring since then. All he does is jigsaw puzzles and run 5ks. I want the man I fell in love with back. The same guy who shit in the bathroom wastebin thinking it was the toilet. Now all I have is some pussy who orders virgin daiquiris.”

At press time, the Green Garden bar staff was experimenting with a mocktail that was just water and grenadine that would require a loan to purchase.

Opinion: Connections Are Everything When You’re Looking To Land a Soul-Crushing, Time-Wasting Job

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Look, you’ve probably heard a lot about today’s job market and how difficult it is to “break in.” Some will tell you to get on LinkedIn, search for people whose qualifications match yours, and hope, just hope, that someone will DM you with a job offer. But even in this era of increasing digitization, nothing beats the personal, tried-and-true connection toward landing that dream job that will shatter your faith in humanity and rob you of all time and leisure.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a diversified attack is a good approach. But if you really want to go for your dream — by which I mean the nightmare that denies you of the pursuit of happiness — I find it best to mine the contacts that you already have in place.

Start with social media. Type in your desired industry — by “desired,” I mean the thing that will finally force you to surrender your free will and then literally kill you — into the Facebook search bar and see which of your friends’ friends or old classmates pop up. Scroll through to find which of these lackeys is posting photos of themselves on a boat with somebody else’s spouse, wielding an industry trophy with dead eyes, or hanging their arms around some colleagues with a smile that says, “What?! Who am I?! I didn’t want this!”

Message them. Remind them of your mutual acquaintances and social clubs. See if you can’t arrange a round of golf (you’re terrible), a latte (you’re lactose intolerant), or an evening of drunken karaoke (you hate Bon Jovi). They’re sure to get back to you immediately because they’re desperate to get away from the office to tell you how great it is. This is called “networking,” which is code for escaping the life they never wished for as a kid and, frankly, used to mock.

So when you’re panicked and confused, burdened by a mortgage and a tanning-bed subscription, it’s best to seek out other panicked and confused people who actually have jobs. Contact them today. Do it now! Don’t delay the chance to live out the dream that will make you want to die.