It’s almost time for Whore-o-ween, and apparently you are considering dressing as a sexy law enforcement officer. We think that’s a great idea: after all, what could be sexier than America’s police force, a benevolent and uncontested system that we’re pretty sure has not been in the news at all in the past 3 years. What’s that? We are being told to check our Twitter feed, which hasn’t been refreshed since the Obama inauguration. Uh-oh—we have to say, this is not looking good. Like, really not good. Well, we already started this list, so here are some sexy cop outfits that say, “take a look at my hot ass,” and, a few seconds later, “this is the first I’m hearing of all that.”
The Catsuit Cop
This cleavage-bearing catsuit takes a flirty spin on America’s policing system, and will have you going: “Sorry, what protests? Seriously, I was in a coma from 2009 to 2023. Can someone explain?” It also comes with a fully loaded gun.
The Male Bondage Cop
We’re loving this hot and dangerous costume that we think was legitimately made for BDSM. This male lingerie cop suit says: “Wow, I am truly sorry to hear about the events of 2020 and beyond. As a side note, I can’t help but feel the slightest bit awkward learning about police brutality in latex.”
The Schoolgirl Cop
Nothing says “What’d I miss?” like a school girl-cop combo fit. As we always say, the only thing sexier than looking like a police officer is somehow also looking like an underage girl.
The Blue Cop
This one’s blue. Is that better? No? Well shit, what else are you supposed to go as? A sexy social worker? Something about that just doesn’t hit the same.
The Potentially Real Cop
This one is just your uncle’s old cop uniform that you can wear in confidence as long as you had on noise-canceling headphones while he was telling his stories. As an added spooky twist, everyone will be legitimately scared when you come to their door.
The Couples Cop
This sweethearts’ cop fit will show all party-goers that while neither you nor your significant other seem to have been watching the news much, you do have an extremely high sex drive.
The Couples Cop + Incarcerated
This one is just like the previous costume, except this time you also get to flex the strange power dynamic going on in your relationship, as well as make further lighthearted commentary on America’s prison system.
The Vampire Cop?
I don’t know, we’re running out of ideas here, and since it is absolutely necessary that you go as a cop for Halloween and not literally anything else, just throw on some vampire fangs and pretend it’s a political statement.
The Wild West Cop
If the current climate of police brutality is getting in the way of your costume’s reception, you might as well take it back to the good old days of policing: 1861.
The Positive Message
Since you can’t seem to avoid opening a difficult conversation with your well-meaning sexy interpretation of the police, here’s a costume that’ll be sure to lighten the mood. This one is just a sign that says “All Lives Matter.” Now how could you go wrong with this positive-sounding message that bears no further implication than its literal meaning?
Johnny’s haunted house is going to be overrated as hell. This guy made one iconic one in the late ’70s and we’re all still supposed to be impressed by it decades later. What have you done for haunted house culture lately, Johnny?
Right-wingers are scared of a lot of things that aren’t inherently terrifying. This will be evident almost immediately at the Proud Boy’s haunted house. For instance, there’s going to be someone dressed up as Nancy Pelosi. Not like a zombie Pelosi or anything. Just an impersonator of the former Speaker of the House holding a can of Bud Light. While it is slightly disturbing, we all know there’s nothing more horrifying than looking at Mitch McConnell’s face.
Tim doesn’t seem to quite grasp the concept of a haunted house because what he constructed is an escape room. Even still, it’s just a room with no windows that locks from the outside. Not sure he quite understands escape rooms either.
The Screeching Weasel singer and guitarist is going to talk so much shit about everyone else’s haunted house in the neighborhood, but he probably should have put that energy into his own because this is elementary work at best.
The PUP vocalist and guitarist is a Millennial so he can’t afford a house. He may have the financial means to rent one from one of the Boomer punks on this list since they each have four or five apiece, but even that’s pushing it.
The DIY sentiment is so strong with Crass that when I get to the location of Steve’s haunted house and see a bunch of construction materials and tools laid out, I’m going to get suspicious that he thinks we’re all building it ourselves right there on the spot.
The last time I went through a haunted house of the Distillers’ singer and guitarist, some actor with a fully functioning chainsaw left a massive gash in my forearm. Brody claims it was all part of the charm. Tell that to my health insurance who evidently won’t cover haunted house-related injuries. Isn’t that the whole purpose of Aetna?
Mark’s haunted house costs like $450 per ticket because we’d have to buy from Ticketmaster who jacked up the price. They would even include some questionable charges that are called something like “knife sharpening tax” and “blood handling fees.” Feels like I’m getting ripped off.
You know those restaurant chains that deploy intentionally obnoxious servers and are generally rude when you’re just trying to order a sandwich? That’s going to be the feel of the Black Flag guitarist’s haunted house. Only I think his temp workers are sincerely disgruntled. What has Greg done to them? Truly horrifying.
The Jawbreaker singer’s haunted house is based on his own inner turmoil. He’s going to leave out his journals on various end tables and we’ll have to read various depressing passages from them. However, books aren’t scary. At least I don’t think so. I only read TikTok.
Siouxsie advertises her haunted house as an “A24-like slow burn,” which makes perfect sense because it took a good 90 minutes of walking before anything even happened. Then all of a sudden it was over and nothing was explained. Haunted house bloggers will say her haunted house is a metaphor for grief. I don’t quite get it.
For the Social D singer, this is going to be less of a haunted house and more of a haunted garage with about 50 classic cars strategically parked. In general, motor vehicles aren’t that spooky. For instance, have you seen the John Carpenter movie “Christine” about a possessed ‘58 Plymouth Fury? Me neither.
Fat Mike’s haunted house is a 12,000-square-foot space located in Las Vegas that appears to have a lot of punk memorabilia. The sign outside even says “The Punk Rock Museum.” It won’t be long until I realize that the NOFX singer and bassist tricked us into going to his punk gallery instead. Damn you, Michael.
The former Ramones drummer thinks modern horror is straight trash. He’ll have exactly one life-size Nosferatu, a replica from “Creature From the Black Lagoon,” and a cardboard cutout of Bela Lugosi in everyday clothes. He really needs to update his references. We only do A24 or Terrifier now.
There’s going to be like four or five other lesser-known haunted houses that open for the Circle Jerks’ singer’s one. The first of which was supposed to start at 7:00 p.m., but it’s been an hour and a half and they’re still doing soundcheck on the background shriekings. This is going to be a long night.
The guy from the Menzingers’ haunted house is going to tell a story with a lot of passion that is going to evoke and unlock something within me. Unfortunately, that is the last thing I want in a haunted house. Just make me piss my pants. I’m not asking for much here.
Henry’s haunted house is going to be scary as hell. That’s because he’d play his spoken word albums on a loop to “make a point.” This is going to cause irreversible cognitive damage. I knew I shouldn’t have paid extra for the VIP package that included the full “Henry Experience.”
Youth of Today’s guitarist is straight edge. That means there will be no alcohol in his haunted house. Sure, haunted houses don’t typically serve booze. But still, it’s the principle. Also, I will be five beers deep and don’t want any side-eyed looks tonight.
For some reason, goats look like they worship satan and are therefore evil as hell. The Adverts bassist is going to double down on that imagery so hard that her haunted house will be 75% horned livestock. Only she didn’t consider the smell. You have to consider various stenches in your haunted attractions. That’s rule number one.
All of the actors in Doyle’s haunted house are over six feet, have 0% body fat, and look like they say the words “bench press” regularly. Doyle must know these people from the gym. Either way, this is going to make me feel self-conscious. I do not want to think about my physical shortcomings. I want to think about blood and guts exclusively.
This man is the drummer for no less than 30 bands so he’ll have no time to dedicate to a haunted house. This will be evident almost immediately upon stepping in. Maybe just stick with one band. Two tops. Josh needs to focus on real hobbies.
Although “Living Outside,” Sense Field’s fifth and final studio album is better than most band’s LPs in ANY genre, one record had to be listed last here, and we know, we know, we’re wrong about this and everything else we write below and moving forward for the rest of our sordid lives tonight and forever. The band went out with a bang here with “Living Outside” as said LP was their only Billboard charting record and debuted at #37 on U.S. Heatseakers, which is no small feat or pair of shoes. Sadly the band split just one year after this album was released, and sporadically reunited several times until Bunch’s untimely passing. Thankfully, Jon wasn’t done singing, as he eventually joined Further Seems Forever as their six-hundred-and-sixty-sixth vocalist before they disbanded in 2005, and fronted an underrated and rocking act called War Generation.
“Save Yourself,” which is by far Sense Field’s biggest “hit” single, is likely why you’re here unless you’re punker than a rock, and reason enough for this record to not be in the dreaded bottom slot. “Tonight and Forever” asks its listeners two questions: 1) Are you ok? 2) Am I a fool? The simple one-word answers are obvious on your end: 1) No. 2) Yes. “Save Yourself” provided the band the opportunity to perform on late-night shows like “The Tonight Show,” “The Late Late Show,” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” but that might of actually been a fever dream we had when we stayed home from school. The record precludes a haunted memory regarding Sense Field’s future, and sadly the fun never starts again, but you’ve got to be strong. In closing, 2001 was quite a year for acts in SF’s sphere, as Jimmy Eat World, Dashboard Confessional, Thursday, and Boston all released groundbreaking records then.
While not a straight up punk rock record per se, Sense Field is still in said rock world, and released their debut self-titled LP to an aggressive sea of mainstream punk or “punk” if you’re feeling nasty/frisky/freaky/magical albums like Green Day’s blockbuster “Dookie,” The Offspring’s highly successful “Smash,” Bad Religion’s harmonious “Stranger Than Fiction,” and Sade’s compilation to end all compilations known as “The Best of Sade”; your love is king, as a smooth operator is much more than a smooth criminal but not as smooth as a smoothie from Erewhon. Containing a lot of one-word song titles like “Dreams,” “Sage,” “Soft,” and “Pizza,” Sense Field set the stage for one-word responses to said songs like, “rad,” “sad,” “mad,” and “Vlad(imir)”. Even though many SF shows don’t have public setlists , a quick search shows that another one-word title, “Voice,” was a favorite.
After their breakout self-titled debut, Sense Field released their sophomore follow-up LP that same year called “Killed For Less,” and it’s where the band truly came into their own and into another. Opening said record with “Today And Tomorrow,” easily a top ten SF song, was a solid choice, as both old heads and new listeners of the band alike seemed to be drawn into a feeling of goodloveall, thus becoming super fans… And don’t get us started on the simple yet effective opening riff and “scream” for track two, Linkin Park’s “Hybrid Theory” opener known as “Papercut.” Also, like the album before it, there are many one-word song titles featured on “Killed For Less,” and said stat truly gets highlighted with tracks six through nine being called: “Futon,” “Voice,” “Soft,” and “Allyouneedisloveloveisallyouneed”. Now we’re building towards the end, and everyone we see will agree, or won’t.
Reason to believe: We’re here at the top of the world, you and I, and said roof has no “skip it” tracks. Sense Field’s third record “Building” took many by storm, but we theorize that it would’ve been so much bigger if it came out when its follow-up was released. Still, we hope this album’s legacy remains strong and outlives all men/women/human beings/cockroaches. As stated above, the world still cries for vocalist Jon Bunch, and if you were lucky enough to attend the benefit shows for Jon’s son Jack on one or both coasts, it must’ve been a sight unseen any day prior, as bands like Rocket From The Crypt, Texas Is The Reason, Knapsack, and Debbie Gibson performed, and many singers guested on lead vocals with the remaining members of Sense Field.
Absolutely not. Michel is a meticulous French concierge who wouldn’t be caught dead with a greasy kebab. He is repulsed by bagels, committed to the egg-white omelet and has a meltdown when he realizes he’s been drinking 2% instead of skim milk for a week. In fact, Michel might have an eating disorder disguised as early 2000s diet culture. Regardless, no street meat for Michel.
A drill-sergeant parent and a zealous Seventh-Day Adventist with a strict, likely religiously imposed diet. John Kellogg was a Seventh-Day Adventist, and he invented a bland cereal so that people would stop masturbating. Sylvester Graham also tried his luck at getting a boring fucking cracker to get people to stop self-pleasuring. Apparently it was an issue of the time. Anyway, Mrs. Kim is a hard pass.
I just have this feeling that Taylor is eating sweets at all hours of the day. He kicks off his morning with a cinnamon roll and ends his day with a fudge sundae, skipping lunch in between. His taste buds rarely crave a juicy, savory french dip. Also, he’s a little bitch who is the type to say shit like “back in my day, we didn’t receive participation trophies,” so here you go, Taylor – no participation trophy.
Mitchum seems like the type to subsist off black coffee, pills, martinis, and filet mignon. Shira seems like the type to subsist off protein shakes, Diet Coke, and salmon salads. They think Cubano is a type of ballroom dance and not a buttery sandwich with pork, ham, pickles, and mustard on toasted bread. And frankly, it’s better that way.
No, Miss Patty wouldn’t be cool with street meat. Not unless we’re talking about a male prostitute.
Sherry is a chamomile-tea-and-kale-chips bitch who would scoff at the suggestion of souvlaki. While she would absolutely slay at healthy weekly meal planning, she would rather have her Mary Kay credit card get revoked than eat a hotdog outside of the stadium.
Nope, Tristan is a fork-and-knife, country club kid who probably has never seen a menu with numbered meals. He’s skeevy, he’s scummy, and he’s a sexual predator–so even though he’d fit right in a dark corner of a dive bar, he’s more inclined to harass waitresses at high-end establishments.
Doyle is high-maintenance and a bit sheltered, so I don’t think he’d do well with spontaneity, which is half the fun of street meat. He seems like the type to get a tummy ache from eating basically anything and then complain about it all night long. He chronically forgets his Lactaid and then makes it your problem. I’d make sure this guy stays away from chili dogs, and me.
She’s the eldest Lorelai and the namesake of the whole god-damn clan. Because of her eugenicist-esque obsession with pedigree, I wouldn’t expect to find her inhaling a hoagie. On the other hand, she did rent a house to Korn. On the other other hand, she was a landlord. It’s a no from me dog.
Nicole is a lawyer (one strike) who cheats (two strikes) and who enjoys the types of salads that we’re being served in a diner in Nowhere, Connecticut in the early 2000s (three strikes). You know the ones–iceberg lettuce devoid of all chlorophyll topped with coins of carrots, black olives, shredded mozzarella cheese, and some Newman’s Own Italian Dressing. So no, she sure as hell wouldn’t be found eating a beef taquito from her local 7/11.
Nah, Max isn’t a food truck guy. This prep-school professor is a bit of a simp, so the only way he could be found eating a bucket of chicken would be to give a woman the impression that he’s a chill dude without a stick up his ass. But he actually kinda has a stick up his ass. And it’s not a KFC drumstick.
He was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth, and he can still be found sucking on it from time to time. He might indulge in a lobster roll when on vacation in the Vineyard, but he’d look at a sausage roll with skepticism. London’s street food scene is wasted on this pretty boy.
Since he’s a busker, you’d would think he’d be pretty comfortable with grabbing a late-night brat. But actually, this Troubadour is a dirty, crunchy vegan who slacklines and refuses to wear shoes, only going barefoot. He runs his own produce stand and definitely got scammed into buying some essential oils one time.
Jason is the human version of a $250 omakase menu. He likes confined spaces and tiny bubbles. He can’t sleep in a bed with another person and hates fast food. Get a life, Jason. He’s not dead last because he was willing to eat a giant grocery store egg roll, but still, he’s nowhere near the gold.
Chris would try an empanada, but he would mispronounce it and then embarrassingly defend himself. He would get so flustered that he wouldn’t even care about the delicious, steaming little pocket of beef and onion in front of him, only taking one small bite and then letting it get cold while he talked incessantly about his experience studying abroad.
Marty gives off “nice guy” Midwest vibes. He fucks with ranch, blue cheese, heavy cream, sour cream, whipping cream and cream cheese. He’s seen a hotdish in his day. I just imagine his upbringing in a depressing ’90s dining room with a distant father and saccharine mother, a la “Freaks and Geeks.” He’s a bit sheltered, and I just don’t think he’s the first to reach for a sambusa.
Emily Gilmore doesn’t know what “street meat” is. The only reason she made it this high is because she had a meltdown in a mall and then ate food-court Sbarro pizza with a fork. But still, she ate it.
Stars Hollow’s beloved-yet-curmudgeonly diner owner can be found serving up bacon and eggs every day. His career choice makes it seem like he’d be down to clown on some chimichangas, but Luke is actually an Almond Mom. Not only does he prefer turkey burgers and carrot sticks to ground beef and fries, but he also gleefully judges people who don’t share his healthy habits.
Sookie is what one might call a “foodie.” A classically trained chef, I think Sookie is happy eating anything from tacos to steak tartare, as long as it tastes good. But Sookie cannot relinquish control, and one component of enjoying street meat is removing yourself from the process. You just gotta close your eyes and dive straight into that dumpling, but Sookie would say something like “hmm, it needs chives,” and frankly, it would kill our vibe.
Jackson is a local produce supplier–he can always be found with his arms full of blueberries, zucchini, mushrooms, and rasp quats (don’t ask). Plus, he’s sleeping with–okay, married to– the best chef in town. Would he turn his nose up to Pelmini if offered? No. But does he have the inherent makings of a street meat savant? Also no.
Logan’s chaotic and deluded besties, these two would only be found eating a corndog on some sort of crude fraternity dare. But guess what? They love crude fraternity dares. They tend to be the hazer, though, not the hazee.