RICHMOND, Va. — Local woman Monica Langley reported that the constant negative feelings surrounding her new apartment were a direct result of a near-fatal carbon monoxide leak, sources currently dizzy confirm.
“I dunno, I just get like, mega shit vibes from this place,” Langley said while struggling to keep her eyes open. “I was moving some furniture around and got really lightheaded and started seeing weird colorful spots. I have really high vibrations so I’m not surprised this would happen to me–my wiccan friend told me to watch out for this kind of thing with these old buildings. I can’t believe she was right. I’m thinking of doing a sage cleanse. I’m kind of tired of having dreams about sentient triangles. And super specifically weirdly, I found some loose double A batteries on the floor.”
Building owner Alvin Dales was reportedly skeptical of the new tenant’s claims.
“Typically these Gen Z kiddos find all kinds of things to complain about, especially if they think they can get me to pay for it,” Dales said while calculating the best way to fuck over the maximum number of tenants at once. “I’m sure it’s just an overactive imagination. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it turned out that some kind of drug use was to blame. All I know is that the building is up to code, and if these girls have any other kind of complaints they can submit them through the archaic tenant portal online.”
Jeffrey Adams, the building’s maintenance worker, gave his professional opinion.
“Yeah, so all that was totally a carbon monoxide leak,” Adams said, mildly panicked. “I gotta come back with some more shit to get this wrapped up but uh, yeah. I told all the residents to dip out for the day until I’m done fixing the leak and the sensors. I don’t know why nobody bothered to check their CO detectors. You’d fuckin think that this shit would be inspected before resident move in, but I guess some corners gotta get cut.”
At press time, Langley was seen lighting several ceremonial candles around her hospital bed.
It’s perfectly fine to use hair gel to style your mohawk, as long as you don’t mind being a total fucking poser. Gel won’t bring a lot to the table, structurally speaking, so unless your hawk is shorter than two or three inches, this probably won’t work out too well for you.
Hairspraying your hair and blow drying it is a tried and true method of mohawkery. However, hairspray won’t usually hold up an entire mohawk on its own with additional help. That’s why we only recommend using the hairspray and blow dryer trick on thinning hair, otherwise the support needed just isn’t there.
Glue is a time-tested and approved mohawk styling substance, though with so many options available it’s important to choose wisely. Elmer’s glue is fine for touching up loose ends, but not as a primary load-bearing goo. If you’re looking for a more robust glue to hold up your mohawk, Gorilla Glue is the only way to go. Plus you’ll only have to do your hair once a month at most, freeing you to focus on more important things in life.
If you need to put up your mohawk and don’t mind using ground up horse hooves to do so, gelatin could be right for you. The only problem with this method is most people can’t wait in their refrigerator for 2-4 hours waiting for the gelatin to set, despite the fact that the majority of people with mohawks are largely unemployed.
Egg whites are still a viable option for doing your mohawk, even if its use has declined as veganism becomes more prevalent. Studies about whether Egg Beaters work or not are inclusive, so let us know in the comments if you’ve used them to do your hawk with.
Wheatpaste has been used to slather show flyers, propaganda posters, and missing dog announcements since time immemorial. A lot of people don’t know that it can also be used to hold mohawks up. Not unlike with egg whites, the rise of veganism has sent punks searching for wheatpaste alternatives such as quinoa, rice, and flax seed paste.
Consumer-grade pomade is basically hair gel that takes at least three showers to fully wash out, and is not recommended to do your mohawk with. You can, however, stop by your local rockabilly club to pick up some industrial strength pomade. Just be prepared to constantly have to talk to rockabillies, which for many of us is a total deal breaker.
You know the movie, the scene, and the gag. While we’re not officially endorsing this method, the results speak for themselves. Just try not to feel too guilty afterward, as it’s part of a healthy, normal hair care regimen when properly regulated.
As any punk will tell you, the longer you don’t wash your hair, the more rigid it becomes. At first the weight of all the dirt will hold your hair down, but after a few weeks that same dirt will provide excellent support as your mohawk becomes almost as hard and crispy as your dirty ass socks are.
Obviously we’re not saying anyone should go out and procure the blood of the innocent, as that would be immoral and illegal. Having said that, if you ever get tired of normal people continually asking you what products you used to get your mohawk up, just tell them that you used the blood of the innocent. That should get them off your case.
One of the most durable substances on earth is the McDonald’s strawberry milkshake. It can’t be melted, evaporated, frozen, or even boiled. Meaning that you can put a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake in your hair and immediately give your mohawk a robust volume that will stay standing up for weeks on end.
Many of us bombard our hair with a litany of damaging products, fry it with endless blow drying, and spend hours and hours trying to break its will so it can be styled how we want it. Rather than bullying your mohawk into doing what you want it to do, why not simply ask it if it would stand up on its own? In hair as in life, open communication goes a long way.
Sometimes you don’t need to put your mohawk up, but rather convince others that it is up. That’s where smoke and mirrors come in. A few simple misdirections combined with a solid audience patter should be more than enough to fool people into thinking your mohawk is actually standing up.
Start by placing the rebar approximately one foot to either side of your head. Next you will need to tie the rebar so that it remains in its respective position. Once the concrete is in place, observe the configuration to ensure that no shifting in the mohawk has occurred. Wait between 24 and 48 hours before use.
This Gordian knot of a hair product involves simply tying helium balloons to your hair and having them do the lifting. Sure, you’ll look like a complete tool walking around with balloons on your head like an idiot, but your mohawk will be standing up won’t it?
Similar to the helium balloon strategy, this one also involves holding your hair up with strings. In this case, however, you’ll need a partner to operate the little wooden sticks. While effective, this method is only practical when your mohawk needs to move and transform throughout the evening.
Say you wanted to do the marionette puppet strings method but your friend is an idiot and can’t operate a piece of wood with strings attached to them. Just have them hold your mohawk up with their hands, if you think they can manage it.
The anti-gravity ray is the most effective tactic in getting your mohawk to stand up. Only problem is, unless your aim is spot on, everything else in the room will begin floating into space alongside your mohawk.
If you get a gross ass skin disease your hair will naturally stand up in an effort to avoid open sores, pustules, boils, and more. This could be the most affordable method on our list.
Let’s face it, unless you’re 17 or younger you look like a moron with a mohawk. It’s probably best that you shave it now, and save yourself the embarrassment down the road.
This cleavage-bearing catsuit takes a flirty spin on America’s policing system, and will have you going: “Sorry, what protests? Seriously, I was in a coma from 2009 to 2023. Can someone explain?” It also comes with a fully loaded gun.
We’re loving this hot and dangerous costume that we think was legitimately made for BDSM. This male lingerie cop suit says: “Wow, I am truly sorry to hear about the events of 2020 and beyond. As a side note, I can’t help but feel the slightest bit awkward learning about police brutality in latex.”
Nothing says “What’d I miss?” like a school girl-cop combo fit. As we always say, the only thing sexier than looking like a police officer is somehow also looking like an underage girl.
This one’s blue. Is that better? No? Well shit, what else are you supposed to go as? A sexy social worker? Something about that just doesn’t hit the same.
This one is just your uncle’s old cop uniform that you can wear in confidence as long as you had on noise-canceling headphones while he was telling his stories. As an added spooky twist, everyone will be legitimately scared when you come to their door.
This sweethearts’ cop fit will show all party-goers that while neither you nor your significant other seem to have been watching the news much, you do have an extremely high sex drive.
This one is just like the previous costume, except this time you also get to flex the strange power dynamic going on in your relationship, as well as make further lighthearted commentary on America’s prison system.
I don’t know, we’re running out of ideas here, and since it is absolutely necessary that you go as a cop for Halloween and not literally anything else, just throw on some vampire fangs and pretend it’s a political statement.
If the current climate of police brutality is getting in the way of your costume’s reception, you might as well take it back to the good old days of policing: 1861.
Since you can’t seem to avoid opening a difficult conversation with your well-meaning sexy interpretation of the police, here’s a costume that’ll be sure to lighten the mood. This one is just a sign that says “All Lives Matter.” Now how could you go wrong with this positive-sounding message that bears no further implication than its literal meaning?
Johnny’s haunted house is going to be overrated as hell. This guy made one iconic one in the late ’70s and we’re all still supposed to be impressed by it decades later. What have you done for haunted house culture lately, Johnny?
Right-wingers are scared of a lot of things that aren’t inherently terrifying. This will be evident almost immediately at the Proud Boy’s haunted house. For instance, there’s going to be someone dressed up as Nancy Pelosi. Not like a zombie Pelosi or anything. Just an impersonator of the former Speaker of the House holding a can of Bud Light. While it is slightly disturbing, we all know there’s nothing more horrifying than looking at Mitch McConnell’s face.
Tim doesn’t seem to quite grasp the concept of a haunted house because what he constructed is an escape room. Even still, it’s just a room with no windows that locks from the outside. Not sure he quite understands escape rooms either.
The Screeching Weasel singer and guitarist is going to talk so much shit about everyone else’s haunted house in the neighborhood, but he probably should have put that energy into his own because this is elementary work at best.
The PUP vocalist and guitarist is a Millennial so he can’t afford a house. He may have the financial means to rent one from one of the Boomer punks on this list since they each have four or five apiece, but even that’s pushing it.
The DIY sentiment is so strong with Crass that when I get to the location of Steve’s haunted house and see a bunch of construction materials and tools laid out, I’m going to get suspicious that he thinks we’re all building it ourselves right there on the spot.
The last time I went through a haunted house of the Distillers’ singer and guitarist, some actor with a fully functioning chainsaw left a massive gash in my forearm. Brody claims it was all part of the charm. Tell that to my health insurance who evidently won’t cover haunted house-related injuries. Isn’t that the whole purpose of Aetna?
Mark’s haunted house costs like $450 per ticket because we’d have to buy from Ticketmaster who jacked up the price. They would even include some questionable charges that are called something like “knife sharpening tax” and “blood handling fees.” Feels like I’m getting ripped off.
You know those restaurant chains that deploy intentionally obnoxious servers and are generally rude when you’re just trying to order a sandwich? That’s going to be the feel of the Black Flag guitarist’s haunted house. Only I think his temp workers are sincerely disgruntled. What has Greg done to them? Truly horrifying.
The Jawbreaker singer’s haunted house is based on his own inner turmoil. He’s going to leave out his journals on various end tables and we’ll have to read various depressing passages from them. However, books aren’t scary. At least I don’t think so. I only read TikTok.
Siouxsie advertises her haunted house as an “A24-like slow burn,” which makes perfect sense because it took a good 90 minutes of walking before anything even happened. Then all of a sudden it was over and nothing was explained. Haunted house bloggers will say her haunted house is a metaphor for grief. I don’t quite get it.
For the Social D singer, this is going to be less of a haunted house and more of a haunted garage with about 50 classic cars strategically parked. In general, motor vehicles aren’t that spooky. For instance, have you seen the John Carpenter movie “Christine” about a possessed ‘58 Plymouth Fury? Me neither.
Fat Mike’s haunted house is a 12,000-square-foot space located in Las Vegas that appears to have a lot of punk memorabilia. The sign outside even says “The Punk Rock Museum.” It won’t be long until I realize that the NOFX singer and bassist tricked us into going to his punk gallery instead. Damn you, Michael.
The former Ramones drummer thinks modern horror is straight trash. He’ll have exactly one life-size Nosferatu, a replica from “Creature From the Black Lagoon,” and a cardboard cutout of Bela Lugosi in everyday clothes. He really needs to update his references. We only do A24 or Terrifier now.
There’s going to be like four or five other lesser-known haunted houses that open for the Circle Jerks’ singer’s one. The first of which was supposed to start at 7:00 p.m., but it’s been an hour and a half and they’re still doing soundcheck on the background shriekings. This is going to be a long night.
The guy from the Menzingers’ haunted house is going to tell a story with a lot of passion that is going to evoke and unlock something within me. Unfortunately, that is the last thing I want in a haunted house. Just make me piss my pants. I’m not asking for much here.
Henry’s haunted house is going to be scary as hell. That’s because he’d play his spoken word albums on a loop to “make a point.” This is going to cause irreversible cognitive damage. I knew I shouldn’t have paid extra for the VIP package that included the full “Henry Experience.”
Youth of Today’s guitarist is straight edge. That means there will be no alcohol in his haunted house. Sure, haunted houses don’t typically serve booze. But still, it’s the principle. Also, I will be five beers deep and don’t want any side-eyed looks tonight.
For some reason, goats look like they worship satan and are therefore evil as hell. The Adverts bassist is going to double down on that imagery so hard that her haunted house will be 75% horned livestock. Only she didn’t consider the smell. You have to consider various stenches in your haunted attractions. That’s rule number one.
All of the actors in Doyle’s haunted house are over six feet, have 0% body fat, and look like they say the words “bench press” regularly. Doyle must know these people from the gym. Either way, this is going to make me feel self-conscious. I do not want to think about my physical shortcomings. I want to think about blood and guts exclusively.
This man is the drummer for no less than 30 bands so he’ll have no time to dedicate to a haunted house. This will be evident almost immediately upon stepping in. Maybe just stick with one band. Two tops. Josh needs to focus on real hobbies.
