Punk Confuses Waitress’s Kindness With Interest in 2008 YouTube Video of Davey Havok Performing “Straight Edge Revenge” With Ceremony at 924 Gilman

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local punk, Joel Locke, reportedly mistook a waitress’s inherent kindness as an invitation to make her watch a 2008 YouTube video of Davey Havok performing “Straight Edge Revenge” with Ceremony at the famous Berkeley punk venue 924 Gilman, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“Lydia is the best! She kept my coffee filled, brought me extra jam for my toast, and even complimented me on my ‘All Hallow’s’ E.P. t-shirt. She said she liked the art,” said the absolutely clueless Locke. “I started telling her about the East Bay hardcore and punk scene and she was really interested! I said she absolutely NEEDED to see this video of Davey Havok doing ‘Straight Edge Revenge’ with Ceremony at Gilman. She was so stoked. I had queued it up for a third rewatch before she apologized and said she needed to go check on her other tables.”

Lydia Daly, the waitress who waited on Joel at the Denny’s on College Town Drive, says that unfortunately many patrons mistake her kindness for interest.

“It’s kind of an ongoing problem. My manager Cara Jean says I have to practice putting my foot down in these situations and stop being so nice to the nerds and obsessives who come into the restaurant,” said the painfully empathetic and compassionate Daly. “Look, my grandma always said the greatest gift you could give to someone is your attention and I believe it. That Joel fellow was passionate about something. I think the world would be a better place if more people showed that kind of passion.”

Cheyenne Hale, a sociologist at the University of California, San Francisco, says these types of interactions most often impact lovely, tenderhearted workers who regularly interact with the public.

“There are so many wonderful, kind, and gentle individuals working in service industries, especially as waitstaff and bartenders. That kindness can often be mistaken for interest in the customer or their hobbies and interests,” said Hale. “These workers are captive audiences. When the goodwill of these individuals clashes with the brutality of endemic loneliness, situations can arise where susceptible service workers get stuck in boundaryless conversations.”

At press time, Locke was paying his bill at the front counter and explaining to the unlucky hostess how Project X was one of the many bands that branched off from Youth of Today.

Couple Who Promised Never to Go to Bed Angry Experience First Hallucinations On Day Three

Posted on by Izzy Maurer

LANSING, Mich. — Recently married couple Wendy and Patrick Clark are facing a fourth night without any sleep whatsoever after refusing medical assistance despite constant, often terrifying hallucinations, according to concerned friends and family.

“I really can’t imagine what everybody is so worried about. We made some important vows when we got married in September, and one of them was never to go to bed angry. We’d heard about that rule from so many kind people who wanted to give us advice after we got engaged, and all we’re doing is honoring that,” said Mrs. Clark in between visions of dead family members. “And I’m sure I wouldn’t still be mad about Pat not cleaning the dishes, except I found out this morning that they can sing and dance, so I’m heading into day four of waiting for an apology fuming mad on their behalf.”

Mr. Clark claims that he can no longer remember how the argument started three days ago.

“I’ve been drinking coffee every few minutes to try and help me remember, but all that did was send me to the bathroom constantly. The giant purple duck sitting in the bathtub is my constant companion and he never criticizes the way I take out the trash,” said the newlywed who reportedly now has a 102-degree fever. “You know, Wendy suggested earlier that giant purple ducks don’t belong in bathtubs. Maybe that’s what we were arguing about? How dare she say something like that about my friend!”

Marriage counselor Mary-Jo Plinker, who spoke to the Clarks in an emergency appointment after friends became aware of the situation, is not sure what more can be done to help them.

“I’ve seen a lot in my time. Couples trying to revitalize their sex life by getting a bunk bed. A pair who were both allergic to shellfish powering through a meal because they’d heard oysters are a great aphrodisiac. All kinds of mishaps with power tools and ordinary household appliances where people’s feelings got hurt, as well as their bodies,” said Plinker. “Now, having a fight over nothing last for days, that’s not new. But I’d never heard of anyone butchering common marital advice quite this badly. If I even could be of any help to them, it won’t be until someone makes these poor idiots get some sleep.”

Plinker’s recommendation for the Clarks is sedation followed by consultation with divorce lawyers.

Help! My Neighbor’s Having A Heart Attack and Now I Have To Talk To Them

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

I was hoping for a quiet weekend. Watering plants near the window, I noticed my neighbor outside, clutching his chest.

It’s a heart attack and I can see it, plain as day, right outside my living room.

This is typical Chuck, my 90-year-old neighbor. And as he stumbles to the lawn with a stiff left arm, I watch him and wait for about a minute to see if anyone else notices.

Shit. I guess this one’s on me.

Problem is: Chuck is the most talkative neighbor on our block. I have to specifically time my trips to the car just to avoid him, otherwise, I’m sucked into a half-hour of small talk about the weather, work, or how I shouldn’t park my cars on my lawn.

Honestly I barely even know Chuck, and it’s with good cause. Between screaming at his own leaf-blowing gardeners, or frequently criticizing Biden on Nextdoor, there is plenty to dislike.

I brave the social interaction, running outside with a pillow and bottle of water. I quietly judge Chuck for being sweaty and gross and I can see in his bloodshot eyes that he’s judging me for the exact same reason. But come on Chuck, not a good look, laying in dirt like that. While on hold with 9-1-1, I ask him what he thinks of SZA but he begins breathing more frantically.

I calm him down, hold his hand and make a mental note to use sanitizer later. I look into his eyes and tell him it will be OK, knowing this is all a lie and hoping I can head back inside to finish that ‘Yellowjackets’ episode.

Finally, a response on the line. As we wait for the ambulance, Chuck starts talking about how my dog barks all night. I want to tell him to shut up, but I don’t have to because he started making all these weird gurgling sounds.

I try to wake him up by asking questions I know he wants to answer like “What sort of stain do you use on your deck?” And instantly snaps back to reality. Fuck, now we have a connection. He takes strained breaths. This may be his last moment on earth, but I have an iced coffee to get back to and now I bet it’s at fucking room temp.

As soon as the ambulance arrives, I hurry inside and close my shades. Unfortunately Chuck’s survival means I’m going over to his house for dinner next weekend. It’s a whole conversation ritual every time I want to leave the fucking apartment, “thank you, thank you, you saved my life, blah blah blah…” Guess I’m never leaving my apartment again.

Crowd Braces for a Long Night After Band Opens Set With Their Biggest Hit

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — An uneasy crowd braced for a long night at a local club after once popular ‘90s alt rock band Wheat Pigs opened their set with their biggest hit, annoyed attendees have reported.

“My husband and I were excited for exactly 15 seconds into the show when it dawned on me that ‘Pigs Get Fat, Hogs Get Slaughtered’ was their only hit. I don’t think anyone here could name another song after their first album, but these guys are clearly plowing ahead,” said attendee Regina Wilson. “I just wanted a casual evening of late ‘90s nostalgia, and now I’m supposed to stand through 70 minutes of half-assed retreads and crap from their electronica phase? But we already paid the babysitter for the whole night, so I guess we’re stuck here.”

It did not take long after the opening of the set for the band to realize they made a grave miscalculation.

“Every county fair and nostalgia festival for the last 15 years people are always yelling out that damn song from the start, so we figured tonight we were giving the people what they wanted. After all we’ve had like nine albums since 1995, we assumed some people in the audience had heard them. Apparently not,” said lead singer Johnny ‘Swine’ Baker. “I mean why not hype up the crowd to stretch that energy across 12 deep cuts and a late career Ramones cover. How else could we get people out to commemorate the 25th anniversary of our maligned second album?”

Gavin Newell, who has booked dozens of shows for alt rock legacy acts, stated that his biggest priority is to avoid this exact situation.

“Every smart has-been band knows you’re not supposed to blow your wad right out of the gate with your biggest hit, unless you want the crowd to leave immediately after. I told these guys to at least hold out until halfway through or better yet at the very end of their set, now I have the club owner up my ass about non-existent liquor sales. I told Stroke 9 the same thing when they opened with ‘Little Black Backpack’ and they ended their set playing to just the janitor,” said Newell. “The trick is to tease the crowd for as long as possible, and maybe impose a four drink minimum to get them through the lesser-known shit without having to block the exits.”

As of press time, the crowd was seen running for the door after the band announced the encore would be entirely new music.

Tireless Chris Christie Begins Preparation for 2028 Presidential Election Dropout Announcement

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The notoriously hardworking Chris Christie began preparing for his 2028 presidential election dropout announcement mere hours after revealing he had ended his 2024 campaign, confirmed sources who just wondered if they could get their donation money back.

“It’s never too early to start thinking about abandoning future endeavors and aspirations,” said the former governor of New Jersey. “It’s clear that there isn’t a path for me to win the nomination for the next few decades or so. In fact, I already have farewell announcements lined up for presidential bids in 2032, 2036, and 2040 too. I was even considering writing one up for 2044 just in case, but thought that might be a little too forward-thinking. I mean, I still have a few months before I actually have to start considering 2044’s campaign suspension. On the other hand, you just never want to wait until the last minute for these kinds of personal failures and public humiliations. Believe me. I’ve had a ton of those.”

Christie supporters were elated to hear about the upcoming announcements.

“This is exactly why I like him. He seems like the kind of guy you can have a beer with and continually give up on your dreams together. That’s my kind of leader,” said longtime New Jersey resident Joe Alderfield. “That being said, I didn’t even know he was running for president until he announced his campaign suspension. That’s the same that happened in 2016. The guy really needs to focus on telling people he’s running for president as opposed to telling people he’s not running for it. Who am I to judge though? I’m still going to write in Harambe for my 2024 presidential ballot regardless.”

Experts seemed to applaud Christie’s work ethic and sensibility.

“If you’re not the frontrunner in your political party, your bid for president is pretty much a fool’s journey,” said political analyst Julie Reinhold. “Christie is actually smart for dropping out so early and even more brilliant for bowing out of the next few decades’ campaigns. Otherwise, it just would’ve looked sad. Remember in 2016 when Bernie Sanders electrified the Democrat base, but the DNC had already chosen Hillary Clinton much to the chagrin of their voters? If Bernie had dropped out early, no one would’ve been excited for their party at all. No political party wants that.”

At press time, Christie also began preparations for dropping out of his Netflix membership in 2026.

Report: Crowds of People Begin Sprinting Towards Lovers as Frou Frou Plays Through Airport Speakers

Posted on by Matt McInerney

NEWARK, N.J. – Local officials are responding to reports of crowds sprinting towards their lovers through Newark Airport as Frou Frou’s “Let Go” plays over the intercom, wistful sources confirmed.

“I was at the Hudson News looking for a sandwich for under $18 and then things got weird. There was an announcement about a Jetblue flight moving gates then ‘Let Go’ started playing. It was as if the entire airport turned to see where it was coming from. As soon as the lyrics ‘Drink up, baby, down’ left the speakers, the horde of people shifted into a running stance,” said Rudy Huber, a traveler who witnessed the event. “Before I knew it, the entire crowd began sprinting in multiple directions. Panicked men burst through security. Throngs of women kicked their heels off as they barreled down the terminal. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Brock Cohen was one of those caught up in the frenzy.

“I don’t know what came over me. When the song started, images began flashing through my head. I had just met a nice young woman in my hometown and was leaving to fly back to the big city. But suddenly, scenes of her dancing, laughing, and cuddling me under the sheets raced through my mind,” said Cohen. “She kept silently smiling at me in a kind of sexy but also wholesome way. I couldn’t help myself. It was as if my brain had pinpointed her location and steered me to her. I just started hurtling uncontrollably down a nearby escalator to find her.”

Kayla Davenport, a music supervisor who has worked on rom-coms like “Garden State” and “The Holiday,” says she warned airports about using Frou Frou’s modest hit on playlists.

“I’ve known the power of this song for years. Whenever I need to score a movie that shows a character suddenly realizing the love they are about to lose, I pipe it in. What I always worried about, though: if this works so well in a movie, why not in real life?” wondered Davenport. “So, I’ve been proposing legislation that would ban it from public places like stadiums and airports, fearing what might happen if it fell into the wrong hands. No one would listen, though, and now I fear it’s too late.”

At press time, the airport realized their mistake and instead started playing “Hide and Seek,” only to watch the crowd stop and drop to their knees, screaming, “Marissa, no!!!!”

The Next Oasis? I Just Filed A Restraining Order Against My Brother

Posted on by Connor Donnelly

For decades sibling rivalry has been the core of legendary British rock band Oasis. Due to their multiple extended hiatuses, I think it is time my brother and I rise to the occasion and take their place.

My brother and I have been at each other’s throats for as long as I can remember. He would break into my room, steal my clothes, and throw them in the river, no matter how much we fought he would never tell me why. But it led to me wearing a trash bag as pants to school at least three times. Despite our differences, we were able to come together and form our band Disciples of Decatur. We played 8 shows and gave out several burned CD-Rs that I’m sure are still in heavy rotation. I will never forget the feeling of ripping off a Stones riff and pairing it with his deep introspective lyrics that lacked any meaning whatsoever. It was magic.

This brotherly relationship took a nosedive two years ago when he stole my dog Gingerbread claiming “he needs to serve a greater purpose.” Since this incident, I began to distance myself from him for the safety of myself and my family, despite this distance he still found a way to continue meddling with my life. Because of this, just last week I was forced to file a five year restraining order against him. The stress of this conflict has made me want to be creative again.

Even though we have our differences there is a part of me that misses rocking out with him and making waves. We really had something going on and I truly believe our separation could fuel our fiery creative partnership again. I am beginning to stock up on burnable CDs while the market is low and I am putting money aside to record once we are reunited.

My excitement for this reunion cannot be overstated. I have been looking on Craigslist to find a suitable guitar for our future career. My wife does not understand the potential of this situation and is trying to squash my dreams by saying bullshit like “Do you even care about your kids?” and “We don’t have the type of money to just save for your stupid dreams when you don’t even have a job!” Even with my wife against me, I have started listening to music more seriously and watching guitar lessons on YouTube in preparation for the long-awaited reunion of Disciples of Decatur.

20-Year High School Reunion Devolves into Real Estate Convention

Posted on by Tim Mehew

SACRAMENTO, Calif — Several Attendees of the Montgomery High School Class of ‘03 Reunion were left baffled when the night suddenly turned into a collection of realtors presenting properties they had for sale within the area, sources looking over their finances claim.

“I was grabbing a drink and catching up with my old fling Carla Flores and the next thing I know I’m signed up to attend two open houses and some first-time home buyer education thingy tomorrow,” said Dan Mathews, Montgomery ‘03 grad. “I’d never move back to this shithole town. I was just trying to rekindle the magic and get her number, but she insisted I check out this mid-century bungalow in an up-and-coming neighborhood just 40 miles from downtown. I’m in no position to buy a home, but it was nice just to have her pay attention to me again.

Event Organizer and Montgomery HS ‘03 alum, Allison Albrecht, was pleased with the turnout and happy to catch up with old friends.

“I got to see my old cheer squad and yearbook crew; it was even great to see what some of my old boyfriends are up to these days,” she bubbled. “I was able to link Auston Bronde with my lender since he’s trying to refi, and I got Danny Wilson to come take a look at a modest three bedroom two bath on Lakeview early tomorrow morning that would be perfect for him. He was so excited he signed up for my seminar about navigating banks and mortgage loans. It sounds promising!”

“Sure, my methods have been perceived as questionable, maybe even unethical, but I’m putting people in homes!” she touted. “You don’t get Coldwell Bankers’ #1 North of the Feather River title for letting opportunities like this pass you by.”

For Event Coordinators like Rebecca Skaggs, integrating real estate strategies into private events is a trend she only sees accelerating.

“To these people, everyone looks like a potential buyer. Nothing is sacred to them,” said Skaggs. “Last week an agent approached me about connecting with him to use open houses as wedding venues. I’ve even had offers for funerals! They’re just so abysmally shameless that it’s kind of impressive. A woman from Sotheby’s reached out to me to see if I could coordinate a parade to pass through a neighborhood where she has seven listings. I mean, it’s exploitative and unscrupulous, but you almost have to tip your hat to them.”

At the time of press, Albrecht presented Mathews with the “Most Likely to Close on a Modest Starter Home” award during the class superlatives ceremony.

Photo by HHawk.

Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis to Debate Whether Slavery Was Good or Never Happened

Posted on by Chad Kubrak

DES MOINES, Iowa — Republican hopefuls Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley are expected to make slavery a big topic for their debate tonight ahead of the 2024 Iowa caucus with one candidate claiming slavery was beneficial while the other pretends it never happened, strategists confirmed.

“Folks keep talking to me about this ‘slavery’ nonsense. I have no idea what you people are talking about. Sure, I heard a thing or two about ‘slavery’ in high school history. But that’s the thing, there’s too much history to keep track of. Sometimes we just need to accept things as grains of sand––too minute to even acknowledge. That’s history to me,” Haley said. “Were there bad working conditions that almost exclusively harmed Black people? Yes, but that’s not slavery, it’s the American way! Besides, everybody knows the Civil War was fought over states’ rights, not, uh, damn it. What’s it even called again?”

DeSantis, however, while acknowledging the existence of slavery, argues the unspeakable atrocities committed are arbitrary when compared to the net positives.

“As a perfectly normal human with perfectly normal human feelings, I’m sick and tired of seeing this endless spiel of woke nonsense about ‘whiteness, generational trauma, the wealth gap, redlining and international anti-blackness,” DeSantis explained after attempting to smile for five minutes. “My dad never taught me how to use a shovel, or anything. You know who did teach folks how to use shovels? Slave masters, they were educators. People forget that. This is what the woke left wants, they want to make white kids feel bad about themselves because their great-grandparents taught Black people about agriculture. This is what the American public wants addressed. Normal Americans like myself, we don’t want this DEI critical analysis of history, we want more guns, and our pizza delivered on time.”

Political pundit and historian Maya Carter suggested the debate is counterintuitive and helpful to absolutely no one.

“This is one of those things that, while terrible, isn’t really surprising,” Carter stated. “Any chance at discussions of reparations and real analysis of the profound effects of slavery and systemic racism have been replaced by ‘the military is woke because of Black lesbian pronouns.’ We’re talking and walking in circles about nothing. It almost makes you wish climate change would happen even sooner so we could put an end to all of this.”

Sources confirm that Republican voters are excited to tune into the debate and vote for Trump anyway.

Man Rushed to Hospital After Accidentally Laying On Pillow With Decorative Button

Posted on by Matt McInerney

STONINGTON, Conn. — Local man Eddie Walker was rushed to a hospital in critical condition after accidentally laying his head on a pillow with a decorative button, horrified sources confirmed.

“The last thing I remember was throwing my body onto the couch after a long day. I could never have imagined there would be something so hazardous waiting for me,” said Walker as he rubbed his head. “When I came to, they told me I suffered both a concussion and severe lacerations. I guess I suffered amnesia, too, because I couldn’t remember a thing for days. But they were able to treat that with an experimental procedure that involved hitting me in the head a second time with the same decorative button.”

Aubrey Skinner, Walker’s longtime partner, just thought the button would be cute.

“I just kept looking at our boring old couch pillows and thought they needed a little something new. That’s when I found the TikTok button tutorial video,” said Skinner. “The lady never warned that something like this could happen though! All I did was stitch a few large metal buttons in the middle of Eddie’s favorite pillow. I thought he’d notice how adorable it was, and maybe post a story on Instagram. I could have never imagined he’d violently smash his head into it without even admiring my craft first.”

Emery Ingram is an ER doctor who sees this on a shockingly regular basis.

“Most of my day is spent on these TikTok decorating trends and DIY projects gone wrong. Yesterday, I saved a man’s life after he nearly decapitated himself on a newly installed floating shelf. Then I treated a woman who almost lost a hand that was crushed under the weight of a poorly applied backsplash,” said Ingram. “Oh, and the worst was someone last week who was trapped in their home for days after building themselves into a custom closet system. They managed to survive by extracting nutrients from a dirty sock until a neighbor finally heard the screams.”
At press time, Skinner was seen silencing a smoke alarm as she waited for a “toaster grilled cheese” to finish cooking, a welcome home meal for Walker.