NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s best song of their set, annoyed sources confirmed.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t bring Jessica up, but I just couldn’t help it,” Clearing admitted. “Mud Butt started playing this song that reminded me of her. We’re on a break because she says I’m too vanilla. She wants to try pegging and keeps talking about opening the relationship. I’m just not ready for either of those things. Now she’s seeing some jerk who works at the Subway next to my apartment. I don’t want some random dude who permanently smells like an Italian BMT to watch my girlfriend penetrate me. Am I not enough for her? Thank God my boy Lewis was there to listen. I really opened my entire soul to him during that show.”
Samson had a completely different sentiment when recalling events.
“Dude, I was this close to punching him in the throat,” said the longtime friend. “I paid a lot for these tickets and honestly only invited him because my buddy canceled last minute. He used my favorite Mudd Butt song as background music to his weird relationship issues. He could have talked about this to me at absolutely any other time—before the show when we got beers or on the bus ride home or when the opening band played, like a normal person. I didn’t need to know how little sex they’ve had in the past six months or how hung that sandwich guy is during the best moment of the show.”
The lead singer and guitarist of Mudd Butt, Danny Mooreland, was able to witness the event from the stage.
“I’ve never had someone have a conversation so loudly during a set that I could hear them,” Mooreland said while restringing his guitar. “If I could hear him talking about how he was unable to satisfy his girlfriend from the stage, I’m sure everyone else could as well. At first I was a little annoyed, but then I wanted to hear more about that dude with a monster dick that makes paninis. I just let him scream away, even though it was during our biggest hit, ‘Eat. Sleep. Shit.’ For some reason, that song always inspires audience members to open up about their relationship problems.”
Since the show, Mudd Butt has asked Clearing to retell his story as an opening act for their next gig.
Every band has to start somewhere, and Shades Apart’s lone-1980s self-titled LP proves just that. You punks will all claim to love Orange County, California’s Uniform Choice, but we know the truth, and that you only know that one U.C. “Straight and Aware” longsleeve. Anyway, the two Pats of Uniform Choice, P. Dubar and P. Longrie, signed the band to their personal Wishingwell Records label, and put out SA’s debut just after the punk AF George Bush, Junior’s CIA poppa dog was elected Commander-in-chief. Though imperfect like most first records, we believe that the band’s self-titled studio album deserves your time, especially if you’re a hardcore Shades Apart fan and want to hear them literally come of age in sonic form.
Shades Apart’s second/final major label effort, which led to the band going into hibernation for almost twenty years, (we’ll get to that in a bit) was a misfire by definition that landed in a, you guessed it, sonic boom. Perhaps the band would have churned several more LPs by now, instead of just one, if “Sonic Boom” was morphed into a four or five-song no-filler EP, but, alas, the band got shot down by themselves. Still, it would have been quite tough for any band to release a follow-up album to “Eyewitness,” so we can understandably cut the band some slack.
Shortly after the band released their “Dude Danger” EP in 1992, the band put out their second LP “Neon” via St. Paul, Minnesota indie label Skene! Records. This album is likely the good luck charm and sole reason that Revelation Records, then home to post-hardcore legends Farside, Into Another, Iceburn, and Kelly Pickler, signed SA, “Neon” is the band’s first consistent effort front to back, and at just nine blistering tracks, it bashes you in the skull with melodic sensibilities that also work as aggressive lullabies until its finish at just over a half an hour. We’re forever calling for Skene! to upload this LP to DSPs so we can listen to it on a platform not called YouTube.
The COVID-19 pandemic was strange for all of us, but one of the better surprises occurred in the summer of 2020 when Shades Apart released their (lucky) seventh full-length “Eternal Echo,” and it ended up becoming their finest LP from this century. Happily, it’s mostly light not in terms of subject, but in regards to brightness and overall quality here! Lots of recording/songwriting technology changed from 2001 to the year that “Eternal Echo” came out, and the band took advantage of such for this album’s creation in the best way. Perhaps if it was released as album #6, things would have been different, but, as an interesting, at least to us, posit, maybe the failure of “Sonic Boom” inspired the victory of this effort.
Likely your favorite release here, unless we’re wrong, but we know that we aren’t, Shades Apart’s debut LP for Revelation Records, “Save It,” is a solid record front to back with the band’s finest original compositions at that time, but it is most known for its “Tainted Love” cover, which is so good it is our “play it again” track below… By the way, that is NOT a bad thing! Fun fact: Synthpop duo Soft Cell’s “classic” non-secret life version is also a cover song, so this version is a cover of a Gloria Jones cover. There is nothing new under the sun. Anyway, reverential doo-wop pioneers Descendents members Bill Stevenson and Stephen Egerton produced this raw yet polished effort to a “T,” and set the band up for the next successful six years or so.
First of all, we hope that DSPs eventually fix the typo in the second word to this album title, as not only is “Seeing Thing” not grammatically correct, it is wrong and the person who uploaded it should be chastised forever and ever. By far Shades Apart’s best non-major label LP, “Seeing Things” is also one of the better/more underrated melodic punk rock albums of the ’90s. Why doesn’t it get its justifiable flowers? Beats us, but we will get over it, turn it back around, and provide a fearless bravado with our fist(s). Also, this LP contains little filler, but we legally had to list one song in the “skip it” section, so we did below. While this studio album is the silver medalist, the divide between number one and two would be smaller if said track was eliminated and the record was just ten tracks.
Speaking of underrated, Shades Apart’s fifth full-length studio album and major label debut for Universal Records is one of the more overlooked rock albums of the ’90s, and try to disagree once you listen for the first time or revisit for the 1999th. There are no “skip it” tracks here at all. In addition, not every band can make the shift from melodic punk rock to beyond melodic pop rock so effortlessly but not every band is SA… What a major label debut! We will forever wish that the band rose to major headliner status, but sadly that’s not how the underground cookie with stevia and salt crumbled. Still, the band had a minor radio hit with track four, “Valentine,” and we can’t scoff at that. We’ll see ourselves out and make our escape at the end of “Casablanca”.
You’d think we’d be stupid enough to even ask Susie to help lift a bass cab? All we’d get is her screaming at us that we’re a fat, bald, or four-eyed fuck the whole time and that we’re doing it wrong. Just the thought of it is enough to cause us to curl in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably.
He’s dead, so he probably won’t be at your show, let alone able to help unload your gear. You can blame the New York Jets for that. Still, we think attempting to raise the dead in order to put them to work is less stressful than having to deal with Susie.
If she can’t be bothered to get her own sponge, we can’t really see her unloading amps and other large instruments from a van. Just be happy if she doesn’t ask the band is going to pray before going on stage.
Given that Larry can barely get Antoinette to perform her actual job duties without it becoming a whole thing, the likelihood of her offering you any assistance is next to zero. Though given that she’s not especially good at her day job, this might be a good thing.
You honestly think the guy who always had to go to the bathroom whenever the check showed up is going to unload your van for you? Not a chance, but he will ask to be on your guest list.
He just seems like a generally unpleasant person to be around altogether ( even in death, Larry called him a prick,) so he’d likely just flat-out turn you down and say something about his high blood pressure. He’s a slow golfer, and golf is way easier than lugging your gear down a flight of dimly lit, soaking-wet stairs to play a basement show, you’re probably better off having him shoot you down.
Probably a no, but, given her tendency to simply take things out of other people’s vehicles without even asking, there’s a possibility that if you park the van close enough to her, she might just poke her head in and grab a cymbal or some merch. Just don’t expect it to be in the same condition it originally was.
Not to cast aspersions on Albert Brooks’ work ethic, we’re just a bit skeptical that the kind of person who hoarded masks and hand sanitizer during Covid and threw a “living funeral” to hear his friends say how great he was is going to help unload your van.
Hard no. The man just wants to enjoy a quiet evening with his wife in peace after a hard day’s work. If you’re a patient of his, you shouldn’t even ask him to come to the show as he doesn’t like to be bothered by patients outside of office hours. Call his service, they might be able to help.
Given all the demands she made when Larry offered to pay her just so he could use the carpool lane, it’s not looking good. She’d probably expect you to pay her, have her tab covered, and get put on the list. Any refusals would likely result in her pimp being called. Just ask if she’s got any Chronic and get on with your day.
The only way this sleazebag would do it is if you agreed to let his talentless daughter be your band’s new lead singer and if her singing is as good as her acting, you’re set is kinda fucked. Plus, he seems to be a litigious type and would probably make up some bullshit about hurting his back and sue you.
He’s got a whole country club to run, a swan murderer to find, golfer’s wives to fuck. You think he has time to help your little pissant band unload their gear? Besides, he probably views manual labor as being beneath him. Ask him again and you’re going to find yourself banned from the club.
Just because you’re paying him to be your private investigator doesn’t mean he’s at your beck and call 24/7. Especially for something like this. He has other clients you know and is still pretty pissed about you eating his edible panties while stuck on that ski lift.
Just like you don’t mention his love of truffles, you don’t ask your therapist to help you move your shit. Like not mentioning anything he told you during your session, asking him to do you a favor violates the patient-doctor trust, which we’re still not really sure is a thing.
You would think a character played by Sleater-Kinney’s Carrie Brownstein would be higher on this list, but given her limp, work ethic, and tendency to use constipation as an excuse to take a sick day, it’s not likely she would and probably wouldn’t be much help anyway. Just foist her on the merch guy.
Sure, he owes you more than a few favors as you’ve helped him move, cleaned his apartment, and even went to see his god-awful show. It’s just asking a blind guy to help carry your gear could be seen in poor taste and people will talk.
Why are you even asking Auntie Rae to unload your gear? This poor woman survived a horrible hurricane and got uprooted across the country and you’re asking her to take your Marshall stacks up to the stage? There aren’t even stairs, it’s just milk crates stacked up, shes going to get hurt. Just be happy she came and let her enjoy the show. Fuck you, that’s some bullshit.
As a yoga instructor, she probably has good core strength and heavy lifting is definitely a good way to work on your core. Plus, believing in harmony and balance, she’d see good karma coming from performing a favor. On the other hand, we didn’t say Namaste with the rest of the class at the end of our last class.
He’s a celebrity and they’re not used to having to do actual work. Plus, he’s got his own musical thing going on and he’d likely only offer to help in exchange for you coming to his show or letting his band open for yours. Unless you like terrible covers of “Peaches” it’s probably best to just not even bother.
Within the Curb universe, Krazee Eyez is an established star, so if anything your band would be unloading gear for him. On the off-chance he is at whatever garbage venue you’re lucky enough to play at, just thank him for attending and ask if he has any tips for eating pussy.
She was working as a struggling actor in the late seventies in New York, so she might’ve gone to punk shows then, but now that she’s an Oscar winner and 70, she may not go to many shows anymore. She might offer an empty “anything I can help with” gesture, but you probably shouldn’t take it up.
You can try asking, she might even say yes! But, prepared to be confronted by Richard Lewis asking where the hell you get off asking his girlfriend to be your roadie? Plus, she’d probably talk your ear off about some bullshit the whole time and you really need to be in the zone before your gig and not engage in small talk.
In Sammy’s defense, she’d probably help, but the second Susie finds out, she’d put a stop to it and ask who the fuck we think we are making her little girl haul our shit around and to “do it yourself you lazy fucks’. Then she’d start throwing accusations of us being up to something and you don’t really need that energy ahead of a gig. On the plus side, this interaction will likely keep your frontman from sliding into her DMs.
For one, the likelihood that an elderly Jewish man is going to a punk show is slim. In his younger days, he probably would be game, but are you seriously asking an octogenarian to haul the theremin your pretentious frontman just got? Just let him enjoy the show until it gets too loud for him.
