With Larry David announcing that the twelfth season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” will be the iconic comedy series’ final one, we decided to offer our take on the show. So, keeping in the spirit of the show’s regular look at social rules and faux pas, please enjoy the list of which characters will be most receptive to your band’s request for help bringing your gear from the van to the venue that we happen to think is prettay, prettay good.
50. Susie Greene
You’d think we’d be stupid enough to even ask Susie to help lift a bass cab? All we’d get is her screaming at us that we’re a fat, bald, or four-eyed fuck the whole time and that we’re doing it wrong. Just the thought of it is enough to cause us to curl in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably.
49. Carl
He’s dead, so he probably won’t be at your show, let alone able to help unload your gear. You can blame the New York Jets for that. Still, we think attempting to raise the dead in order to put them to work is less stressful than having to deal with Susie.
48. Cheryl’s Mom
If she can’t be bothered to get her own sponge, we can’t really see her unloading amps and other large instruments from a van. Just be happy if she doesn’t ask the band is going to pray before going on stage.
47. Antoinette
Given that Larry can barely get Antoinette to perform her actual job duties without it becoming a whole thing, the likelihood of her offering you any assistance is next to zero. Though given that she’s not especially good at her day job, this might be a good thing.
46. Stu Braudy
You honestly think the guy who always had to go to the bathroom whenever the check showed up is going to unload your van for you? Not a chance, but he will ask to be on your guest list.
45. Norm
He just seems like a generally unpleasant person to be around altogether ( even in death, Larry called him a prick,) so he’d likely just flat-out turn you down and say something about his high blood pressure. He’s a slow golfer, and golf is way easier than lugging your gear down a flight of dimly lit, soaking-wet stairs to play a basement show, you’re probably better off having him shoot you down.
44. Cassie David
Larry’s cousin Andy’s wife doesn’t really seem like the type that does heavy lifting. Actually, from her few appearances, we’re not really sure what it is exactly she does. Something arts and crafts related we think? Anyway, if she did say yes, she’d probably just send Andy in her place.
43. Marla
Probably a no, but, given her tendency to simply take things out of other people’s vehicles without even asking, there’s a possibility that if you park the van close enough to her, she might just poke her head in and grab a cymbal or some merch. Just don’t expect it to be in the same condition it originally was.
42. Albert Brooks
Not to cast aspersions on Albert Brooks’ work ethic, we’re just a bit skeptical that the kind of person who hoarded masks and hand sanitizer during Covid and threw a “living funeral” to hear his friends say how great he was is going to help unload your van.
41. Dr. Morrison
Hard no. The man just wants to enjoy a quiet evening with his wife in peace after a hard day’s work. If you’re a patient of his, you shouldn’t even ask him to come to the show as he doesn’t like to be bothered by patients outside of office hours. Call his service, they might be able to help.
40. Monena
Given all the demands she made when Larry offered to pay her just so he could use the carpool lane, it’s not looking good. She’d probably expect you to pay her, have her tab covered, and get put on the list. Any refusals would likely result in her pimp being called. Just ask if she’s got any Chronic and get on with your day.
39. Marcos Estrada
The only way this sleazebag would do it is if you agreed to let his talentless daughter be your band’s new lead singer and if her singing is as good as her acting, you’re set is kinda fucked. Plus, he seems to be a litigious type and would probably make up some bullshit about hurting his back and sue you.
38. Mr. Takahashi
He’s got a whole country club to run, a swan murderer to find, golfer’s wives to fuck. You think he has time to help your little pissant band unload their gear? Besides, he probably views manual labor as being beneath him. Ask him again and you’re going to find yourself banned from the club.
37. Omar Jones
Just because you’re paying him to be your private investigator doesn’t mean he’s at your beck and call 24/7. Especially for something like this. He has other clients you know and is still pretty pissed about you eating his edible panties while stuck on that ski lift.
36. Dr. Templeton
Just like you don’t mention his love of truffles, you don’t ask your therapist to help you move your shit. Like not mentioning anything he told you during your session, asking him to do you a favor violates the patient-doctor trust, which we’re still not really sure is a thing.
35. Merle
You would think a character played by Sleater-Kinney’s Carrie Brownstein would be higher on this list, but given her limp, work ethic, and tendency to use constipation as an excuse to take a sick day, it’s not likely she would and probably wouldn’t be much help anyway. Just foist her on the merch guy.
34. Michael
Sure, he owes you more than a few favors as you’ve helped him move, cleaned his apartment, and even went to see his god-awful show. It’s just asking a blind guy to help carry your gear could be seen in poor taste and people will talk.
33. Auntie Rae
Why are you even asking Auntie Rae to unload your gear? This poor woman survived a horrible hurricane and got uprooted across the country and you’re asking her to take your Marshall stacks up to the stage? There aren’t even stairs, it’s just milk crates stacked up, shes going to get hurt. Just be happy she came and let her enjoy the show. Fuck you, that’s some bullshit.
32. Yogi Tina
As a yoga instructor, she probably has good core strength and heavy lifting is definitely a good way to work on your core. Plus, believing in harmony and balance, she’d see good karma coming from performing a favor. On the other hand, we didn’t say Namaste with the rest of the class at the end of our last class.
31. Dylan O’Brien
He’s a celebrity and they’re not used to having to do actual work. Plus, he’s got his own musical thing going on and he’d likely only offer to help in exchange for you coming to his show or letting his band open for yours. Unless you like terrible covers of “Peaches” it’s probably best to just not even bother.
30. Krazee Eyez Killa
Within the Curb universe, Krazee Eyez is an established star, so if anything your band would be unloading gear for him. On the off-chance he is at whatever garbage venue you’re lucky enough to play at, just thank him for attending and ask if he has any tips for eating pussy.
29. Mary Steenburgen
She was working as a struggling actor in the late seventies in New York, so she might’ve gone to punk shows then, but now that she’s an Oscar winner and 70, she may not go to many shows anymore. She might offer an empty “anything I can help with” gesture, but you probably shouldn’t take it up.
28. Cha-Cha
You can try asking, she might even say yes! But, prepared to be confronted by Richard Lewis asking where the hell you get off asking his girlfriend to be your roadie? Plus, she’d probably talk your ear off about some bullshit the whole time and you really need to be in the zone before your gig and not engage in small talk.
27. Sammy Greene
In Sammy’s defense, she’d probably help, but the second Susie finds out, she’d put a stop to it and ask who the fuck we think we are making her little girl haul our shit around and to “do it yourself you lazy fucks’. Then she’d start throwing accusations of us being up to something and you don’t really need that energy ahead of a gig. On the plus side, this interaction will likely keep your frontman from sliding into her DMs.
26. Nat David
For one, the likelihood that an elderly Jewish man is going to a punk show is slim. In his younger days, he probably would be game, but are you seriously asking an octogenarian to haul the theremin your pretentious frontman just got? Just let him enjoy the show until it gets too loud for him.
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