PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 49-year-old Corey Nulf was a self-proclaimed feminist until anyone around mentions musician Courtney Love, confirmed sources who turned off “The People vs. Larry Flynt” movie when he entered the room.
“Despite being a cishet AMAB, I’m a pro-choice sex-positive intersectional fourth-wave feminist constantly looking to educate myself by reading and listening to the great minds of both yesterday and today to be a positive role model to my two amazing daughters,” Nulf said, placing a Ruth Bader Ginsburg bookmark into a worn copy of bell hooks’ “Teaching To Transgress.” “I don’t have a prefab mold for them as young women, but I can tell you who I don’t want them to emulate—that succubus Courtney Love. Between the gold-digging, hoarding the rights to Nirvana’s music, and without a doubt murdering Kurt Cobain with her bare hands and framing it as a shotgun wound, is there a more contemptible woman in history? I can’t wait to see her dead.”
Nulf’s feelings toward Love were concerning to his immediate family.
“Dad was so excited to take us to ‘Captain Marvel’ when it came out to show us a strong female character on the big screen, but he threw an outburst when a Hole song came on during the credits. I hadn’t seen him this upset since he petitioned the Pop Warner football team to let me play,” said Nulf’s tween daughter Penelope. “It was so embarrassing. I didn’t know people could get kicked out of a movie after it was over. When we got home he forced us to watch ‘Kurt and Courtney’ and ‘Soaked In Bleach,’ giving the middle finger to the TV any time Courtney appeared on screen.”
Experts report that when people are faced with devastating pop culture news they abandon their core values.
“This is a classic scapegoat scenario,” said Dr. Gar Franks, Sociologist at Vassar College. “Even in so-called tolerant groups, there is a tendency to blame an undeserving and underrepresented minority. Sometimes you can’t even see blatant misogyny even as it’s happening. Like all the people who attacked poor Linda McCartney, while ignoring how that she-demon Yoko Ono basically served up John Lennon on a silver platter to be murdered. It’s a real shame Linda is so villanized.”
At press time, the left-leaning Nulf was heard blaming all the shortcomings of the Democratic party on Monica Lewinsky.
If you’re doing a list of best metal albums for a year, and Cannibal Corpse put out an album that year, it’s on the list. We don’t make the rules. But it helps that this album is also genuinely killer, and one of the best CC albums with the adorable metal dad himself Corpsegrinder at the helm.
It’s Botch. It’s their best album. There’s a reason dudes in their 30s and 40s lost their shit when Botch announced a reunion show and tour. There are bands that have never even heard of Botch, and Botch is still their main influence. This album is immensely listenable and yet not really catchy at all, which is genuinely an impressive feat.
What an absolutely wonderful clown show. And as someone who has taken clown classes, we say that as a compliment. One thing that can be unequivocally said about Sigh is that while you might not like an album, you will not be bored. Great riffs, out of nowhere changes, and then just the weirdest instrumentation. And then there’s the production. Oh, the production! Genuinely some of the most bonkers choices on levels of any metal band ever. Shouldn’t the guitars be louder than the circus organ? Not if you’re Sigh. Maybe the most UNboring band in metal?
Scissorfight has been described as “if Rob Zombie’s ‘Dragula’ was about a snow plow, and the motif was hunting and camping instead of kitschy horror movie stuff.” And… yeah, that’s kind of it. There are Sabbath-inspired riffs, punk, southern rock, and even butt rock. But it’s Scissorfight. However stupid you think it is, they think it’s stupider, which makes it cool. There’s a song on here about a pit-fighting monkey. The opening line to the album is “Weed, guns and axes. We don’t pay our taxes.” Why are you even asking questions?
Either you can roll with Abbath’s “evil Popeye” vocals or you can’t. And we can. We love this band, and this album. “At the Heart of Winter” starts a pretty killer 3-album run for Immortal that took them from mostly being a niche band in a niche genre to a respected metal band. The group seemed to both take themselves very seriously and also not seriously at all. Which makes sense if you’re gonna slap on corpse paint and write albums about a fictional Winter Kingdom. This album is also notable for being their first album to not feature the band on the cover in their cute little coordinated outfits.
However scary black metal bands try to make hell seem, nobody makes it seem scarier than Christian metal bands. Probably helps if you actually believe in it. And we know Zao isn’t really a Christian band anymore, but they were when they put out “Liberate Te Ex Inferis” / “Save Yourself from Hell.” So just let us make our point, jerk. Because for a Metalcore album, this thing feels scary. While maybe not as beloved as their previous effort, “Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest” we think this one goes way harder. Also, this album is arguably where Daniel Weyandt’s vocals went from “Carcass-worship” to “Zao-vocals.” The Carcass-worship is still there, but he’s clearly in his own lane on this album.
This is prime In Flames. Well, it’s prime OLD In Flames. It’s almost bizarre to talk to folks who’ve never heard In Flames now. Not only has their sound changed so much, but they’ve put out so many albums since this era that they really seem like a different band. We know “Clayman” is considered the high point for a lot of fans, but when we think of In Flames, the opening lead of this album’s opening track “Embody the Invisible” is the first thing that pops into our head.
For the following decade, its safe to say this album was one of the most influential Metalcore albums, for better or worse. Similar to Botch, this band’s sound spawned a LOT of shittier ripoff bands, many of whom became much more successful. Not to mention this album is responsible for a lot of really sad entries in diaries and journals. While we’d argue a lot of Metalcore from this time is pretty hard to listen to, this album is actually still very listenable.
Sometimes power metal is just anthemic pop punk with a double bass pedal. And that’s not a bad thing. This album is catchy as fuck and understandably burst this Finnish band onto the scene. The opener “Blank File” alone is worth the ride. The high notes are so high that they band re-recorded the album a few years back and moved the song down a few keys most likely so vocalist Tony Kakko could still hit the notes.
Splits can be weird, and this one is weird. At the time as a Converge fan, who had no idea who Agoraphobic Nosebleed was, the opening AG track, “Mantis,” was immediately jarring in the best possible way. As far as the Converge half, it has “Locust Reign” on it. So you know. Because, C’mon. That breakdown. Jun. Jun. Jun. JUNJUNJUN.
Guitarist (at the time) for symphonic fantasy metal legends Rhapsody, Luca Turilli released this “solo” album in ’99 and it honestly whittled down all the great stuff of his main band, and left out most of the skippable stuff. It’s a straight-forward, catchy fantasy-themed symphonic power-metal album, that has good production and is under an hour. And after a listen, we dare you not to be singing the chorus for “Black Dragon” for the next week.
In the current resurgence and appreciation for death metal, it seems that maybe Immolation is finally getting some of the recognition they deserve. The production on this album is… not good. And yet this album still crushes. It sort of sounds like the death metal counterpart to all the horrible production of Black Metal in the ‘90s. This album is often overshadowed by the group’s next two albums, “Close to a World Below” and “Unholy Cult,” often considered to be two of their best, but I have a real soft spot for this one.
This is where we get in trouble. “Nu-metal” is technically metal, it’s in the name of the genre so back off. But despite hating this album and everyone who listened to it when it came out… we’ve come around. It’s fun. Stupid for sure. But fun. And honestly, Wes Borland really does some interesting stuff here. We can’t even think about Fred Durst and keep a straight face and yet it all kinda comes together in this weird, hilarious, and surprisingly listenable package. And we haven’t even gotten into the influence that this album had on music. And we’re not gonna.
Before Ozzfest and almost breaking into the mainstream and thereby ruining all credibility, Dimmu Borgir was killer symphonic black metal band. The first album by DB to feature bassist and (more importantly) clean vocalist ICS Vortex, who really brought an atmospheric depth to the band, separating them from other bands in the genre. This is prime Dimmu Borgir. We understand the argument of those who like the earlier stuff better but this album and the following one, “Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia,” really hit the sweet spot. PEM just slightly beats this one out due to Nicholas Barker joining the band, but this is still in their top 5 albums for sure.
When this album came out we hated it. But that doesn’t change how important it is in metal. And on a re-listen we can see why plenty of bands have come and gone but Slipknot is still out there doing… whatever the fuck they do. We don’t have to love something to respect its impact. That’s our entire relationship to the film “Interstellar. And the state of Rhode Island.
This is arguably the Mortician album. As the ‘90s are having a moment, this band seems to also be having a resurgence, and for good reason. It’s unrelenting and it exactly what your parents were afraid you were listening to. The production borders on hilarious with the drum machine almost rivaling The Berserker at times. Yeah some of the movie clips are too long, but honestly its a nice rest from this otherwise fun but relentless classic album.
We previously mentioned how killer this 
Following up “Evil Empire” was always gonna be hard. But this is an album that actually has aged incredibly well. Outside of the depressing fact that most of the issues De La Rocha talks about on the album still exist, the music on this album sounds maybe the most ageless of all the RATM albums. And we feel like there is more emotion in De La Rocha’s voice than in the past. And yes we already know a large portion of you reading this will say “Rage isn’t even metal.” Neither is the internet, suck it up.
Their production choices on this album sorta make sense for the genre, but considering the higher quality of production on some of their peers’ albums this year, we sometimes wish they’d been open to not recording this inside what we can only guess was an aluminum hallway. At the same time, it’s Emperor and it all just adds to the atmosphere.
Arguably a genre-creating album. We know Atheist were a huge influence on DEP, but this album is really its own thing. The gold standard for the mathy-widdley judd judd music that took over the scene. The jazzy parts of this album are underrated as well. So many bands tried to borrow this sound and genuinely nobody could do it remotely as well. Also, it really says something about a band that is this technically talented, and pretty much all anyone talks about is how insane the live show is.
Easily in the top 5 Testament albums. Not to mention the only Testament with Dave Lombardo on drums. That alone is worth the price of admission. Like several other albums on this list, if you don’t know this band, this is a great intro. Also at a time when Metallica was stuck doing whatever the hell they were doing in the late ‘90s, Testament put out an album that basically sounds like what everyone was wishing Metallica sounded like. “True Believer” honestly sounds like it could’ve been on a follow-up to the Black Album. And the fact that the vocals go back and forth between thrash singing and all-out screaming makes the album a more interesting listen.
Has anyone ever noticed there is something inherently sexy about Type O Negative’s music? Back in our youth we found it very off-putting. But now we might put on some Type O, and take a shower with the curtain open just checking myself out in the mirror. What’s up hot stuff? Yeah, there’s a lot of hair where we don’t want it, and minimal hair where it should be. But who cares? Looking good. What were we talking about? Oh right. This is a pretty good album.
This is definitely an album we didn’t know about at the time but clearly was influential for a lot of folks. And it’s obvious why. This album kinda has everything. There are big riffs, doomy parts, chaotic parts, and vocals that feel very 1999 in a good way. We remember feeling uncool because we didn’t hear about this band until they put out “Carpe Diem.” And re-listening to this album made us realize how cool we could’ve been if we’d found WHVN when it came out.
It’s hard to overemphasize Today is the Day’s influence on heavy music. They kinda did/do everything. This album is considered a classic in their impressive catalog, and should be checked out just on the basis of it boasting two members of Mastodon. Bran Dailer and Bill Keliher play drums and bass, respectively on In the Eyes of God. This album sounds like what we thought doing hard drugs would feel like when we were a good little D.A.R.E graduate.
What’s that? He put Tom Waits on the metal list, and left out Opeth, Children of Bodom, Dream Theater, and Metallica?!?! Damn right. Cry about it. Tom Waits is metal and if you disagree, YOU’RE WRONG. Very few people can pull off cookie-monster vocals in music that isn’t classically metal. It’s pretty much Waits and the guy from Future Islands, and he clearly takes cues from Waits. This album is an absolute front-to-back classic. We can listen to Cannibal Corpse for hours and feel nothing. If we listen to “Georgia Lee” once, We are depressed for a week. That is metal.
Scurrilous is the third album by Protest the Hero, and the only use of the word scurrilous since the 1920s outside of “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.” It is a pivot point on their musical journey,and the band starts to embrace guitar theatrics and shred more and more, sometimes to the detriment of the songs. This is also the last album to feature original drummer Moe Carlson before his sellout era, going to college to work a square job (literally, as he is a tool and die maker). Not a bad album (and there are no bad Protest the Hero albums), it’s just that with all due respect “Scurrilous,” we wish you weren’t so awkward bud.
Recorded with the blessings of Lamb of God drum gonzo Chris Adler, “Volition” finds balance between the shred and their punk cred, even writing the Newfoundland and Labrador national anthem with “Mist,” to the joy of Canada’s newest province. This was also the last album to feature original bassist Arif Mirabdobaghi, and occasional backing vocalist Jadea Kelly, as they left to pursue other endeavours, signalling winds of change for the boys, and a misty one at that. Best enjoyed among pints and friends, preferably in Goddamn Newfoundland.
Possibly released hoping that people would confuse it with the more successful “Pacific Rim,” this EP feels like an extension of “Volition,” with similar songwriting, vibe, and ragged and jagged energy to it. It’s also the first release to feature Mike Ieardi on drums, and he fits right alongside longtime session/live bassist Cam McLellan, proving that even without Moe and Arif, there were still plenty of riffs in the band, and that’s not Mentioning Rhythm Guitarist Tim MacMillar’s gorgeous keyboard playing.
Released in the year of Satan 2020, this devilishly delectable album proved that Protest were not going down with the rest of the music industry, even if longtime guitar wizard Luke Hoskin retired from touring to focus on writing spellbooks (Guitar Tabs) for novice spellcasters. “Palimpsest” feels more topical and down to Earth with its subject matter compared to earlier releases, covering the then-growing migrant crisis, social unrest, and climate crisis facing us all, even to this day. All accomplished with the class, musicianship that we all love from the boys. The album even features a cameo from Prophagandi bassist Todd Kowalski on the track “the Canary,” and as a result, no further analysis required.
A feminist concept album split into three parts covering the last rights and execution of the titular Kezia, sung from the point of view of the Priest giving the last rights, executioner, and Kezia. This debut established the band as another Canadian legend Ginger Fitzgerald would say, as a “Goddamn force of Nature ” in the National Metal scene. “No Stars over Bethlehem ” kicks off the album like a hailstorm of bullets from a chaingun right out of the starting gate, and the fury doesn’t let up for a single second until the album closes. If this was the sole release of Protest the Hero, we would still be writing an article on this band, with its blend of high-minded ideas and emotional delivery, not to mention the then-young band given’er on all fronts musically. Oh yeah, she’s a monument of dicks and ribs for ya.
The soundtrack to the act of conquest, “Fortress” is a furious, sprawling and enthralling prog metalcore epic, toning down the skate punk influence of “Kezia” and the band is left with a rich, full sound that contains aggression, beauty, and melody in all the right quantities, even cementing lead singer Rody Walker as Canada’s answer to Bruce Dickinson. So good that it shot to number one a former Commonwealth Nation despite containing the lyrics “The Royalty Must Die,” even Queen Elizabeth gave this album two thumbs, but unfortunately perished rich, instead of as a common beggar and petty thief that all monarchs, oligarchs, and Bourgeois are by nature. All we have left to say about this album is, oh Bah’d.
