PHOENIX — The children of the Aaronson family forgave their father Billy for leaving them with empty, growling stomachs in order to purchase overpriced Tool merch at their recent Phoenix show, the children reported.
“We love daddy! Do you have a banana? I’m hungry and there hasn’t been anything to eat for days,” said Lila Aaronson, the eldest child of 3 and aspiring elephant. “Our babysitter Kayla came over the other night while daddy went to see his favorite band, and she kept asking if we have another fridge somewhere else with food in it. Daddy came back super late smelling like a bonfire looking really really REALLY happy. He said it was going to be a lean few weeks, and he kept strutting around to show off his new jacket. Which does look really cool, but Daddy said he’s going to have to cancel my birthday party this weekend which stinks. I’ve been dreaming of cake at night.”
Mr. Aaronson admits he has seen Tool at least once during every album touring cycle since their debut “Undertow” came out in 1993.
“Look, times are tough financially, and my kids are being great little troopers during this period while I try to find a job, but I couldn’t miss Tool coming through and this sick Lateralus parka is quite a bargain if you think about it,” said Aaronson, who is being audited by the Arizona Unemployment Department. “Not only is it stylish merch, but it’s functional winter weather gear too. And in Phoenix, climate change could affect things so hard that it actually starts to get cold here in the next 50-100 years. Or, my kids could all fit inside as a sleeping bag. So I’m responsibly prepared.”
Budget experts expressed caution about the tempting nature of concert merchandise.
“If you have kids, your days of buying overpriced merch should be over,” said Bridget Eisen, senior writer for Kiplinger. “You don’t need to prove to other people that you actually went to the show- no one is checking receipts. Just tell the other dad in the school pickup line and move on with your life. If you really want a shirt, wait until the tour is over and the band lists all the leftovers for 50% off online. But please just feed your kids first.”
Child Protective Services have taken custody over the Aaronson children after hearing rumors that the father is “getting into guitar pedals.”
When a woman joins a group of all men–whether it be a night out with her boyfriend’s bros, a conversation at the water cooler, or the comments under some hot nineteen-year-old TikToker’s post–she will eventually be accused of trying to break up that group. She’s trying to steal her man away from his friends; she’s stifling guy talk at the office; she’s ruining the vibe by asking about the hot teen’s sweater instead of bookmarking for later.
Her mere presence makes her a Yoko–an archetype and phenomenon named for Ms. Ono’s apparent role in breaking up The Beatles, a band of hard-headed, egomaniacal men who would still be touring together today if she hadn’t come along and brutally married John Lennon.
Blaming a woman for the actions of a group of men is laughably offensive. It’s textbook misogyny.
But if their issues were her fault, how exactly do we think she went about it? And how long did it take? Would a marketer at a startup and his semi-employed buddies from college who all live together in a basement unit (that we were supposed to share) be susceptible to the same techniques?
Any given group of four or so guys is likely not as talented as The Beatles–or Yoko–so I’m not worried about having to be the voice in anyone’s ear, convincing him he’s better off without the others holding him back. They’re not holding him back. He’s not doing anything. Wait, did Yoko also have to convince John not to be a total loser?
I’m willing to be completely derivative if it works. In 1969, Yoko Ono made and released Self-Portrait, a short film that was just 42 minutes of John Lennon’s John Thomas. Is alienating, experimental art of Liverpudlian pud my gateway into Yoko-ing? If given the right tool, I think I could be really good at this.
I’m not saying I could ever crack the glass ceilings that Yoko shattered 50 years ago. She’s one of our greatest living feminist villains. I just want to follow in her footsteps (or the Memory of Footsteps from her 2009 album Between My Head and the Sky). I’m not looking to be the boogieman to four super-talented British guys for a decade. I just need the bathroom to be free more often.
CHEYENNE, Wyo. — Upstart businessman Vance Macauley ambitiously numbered the first release of his brand new record label, Place/Value Records, as PVR-0001, confirmed sources who wish they never loaned him money.
“I’ve got it all laid out. The first few thousand copies of this record are getting printed right now and once those sell out in the first week I’ll use that money to fund a second pressing and the next few releases,” said Macauley. “We’re going to drop the debut LP from local faves David and the Peak Time Bangerz. They had, like, over 30 people at their show last Friday. I mean that’s a crazy amount of people for a Friday night because the bar next door was doing ‘The Office’ trivia and most people in town show up to that. Between local sales and online orders we should fly through the first run once the reviews come in. As long as we can do that every month for a year, we should have cash on hand for our first 60 releases.”
Following the announcement, numerous Cheyenne musicians have sent messages of support to Macauley.
“Yeah, I told him it was pretty cool that he was willing to put the money in,” said David Bridgers, frontman for David and the Peak Time Bangerz. “I hope he makes his money back and all that, but mostly I’m just stoked that I get to hear my band on vinyl and give my mom a copy. But what we’re supposed to do with the other 70 copies he gave us, I have no idea. I was thinking of making a few of them into ashtrays and selling them on Etsy. But I think most of them will end up at Goodwill.”
The enthusiasm shared by the local community has yet to translate to the international music industry.
“Upstart labels like this used to worry us,” said Alannah Johns, a label representative from Universal Music Group. “We would hear about some new imprint and immediately sprint to the war room. Every single one was an instant target that we had to absolutely eradicate. But then we realized that all of those labels die within 45 days, give or take, and we don’t ever have to lift a finger, we just sit back and wait for them to start complaining about algorithms and watch the entire world they built for themselves burn down.”
As of press time, Place/Value Records had already published a GoFundMe, which they started after paying the “ridiculously and unexpectedly large” down payment to the pressing plant.
Like Toronto and Montreal, Vancouver has a world-class music scene, but unlike either city, Vancouver has never had the front page or the fame recognition. Which means that bragging about bands from that scene gives you cred, so let us begin by ranking one of the best Vancouver (Hell, CANADIAN) bands of the 2010s. “White Lung” was defined by the soulful howl of lead singer Mish Barber-Way, the expansive, dazzling guitar work of future six-string legend Kenny William, the robust, consistent drumming of Anne Marie Vassiliou, and the steady, legendary bass sound of a Yorkville Amp operated by a rotating door of bassists. White Lung made futuristic, forward-sounding, and incredibly technical post-punk that was wholly theirs.
Unfortunately, due to unforeseen life circumstances (a pandemic, parenthood, geography and sobriety, aka the killing blow to any band), their run came to a grinding halt. But what was left will never stop chugging on, lest we all stop chugging ourselves. So wait in your homes and drown with us here at the Hard Times as we give you the definitive White Lung ranking.
5. It’s the Evil (2010)
White Lung’s debut album is a noisy, grungy and scummy affair, and contains glimpses of future glories, but never quite hits a home run in terms of songwriting or performance. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with that, like ol Squirrely Dan from Letterkenny would say, since this album can be fun to kill a mickey of Canadian Crown in the woods with your friends, providing the soundtrack to the party, and all the chaos that would ensue on that rip.
Play it Again: “Sleep Creep” Skip It: “Viva la Rat”
4. Sorry (2012)
White Lung’s second album pushed the band out of their comfort zone while still retaining the rawness of their first album, even earning them a Guiness World Record for most Canadian album title. Just like a rare steak, it satisfies your primal lust for blood and stimulates the sophisticated palette with its aggressive but melodic sound that would not sound out of place at a squat house, with the added technical flair courtesy of Kenny William. This album is where the legend was born, or something like that.
Play it Again: “Bad Way” Skip it: “Glue”
3. Paradise (2016)
The closest thing to a major label debut for a punk band in the 2010s, due to its pristine, sometimes too sterile production and poppier direction. But even with their sound clean and pristine, White Lung continued to sound bellowing and mean, with deceptively nihilistic tales spun atop all the pretty colours conjured by Kenny William (pairs fantastically with BC’s other best export if you know what I mean). As they say in Canada, Oh bah’d that’s givin’er.
Play it Again: “Below” Skip It: “Sister”
2. Deep Fantasy (2014)
White Lung’s first album in three piece configuration, before Kenny decided that rather than be killed, he was going to do the killing, murdering the need for anyone else to play bass for this band (in the studio anyways). This iteration of White Lung would prove punishing and emotive, with a refined, but still cutting edge take on post-punk providing propulsion to their burgeoning career. But with such perfection, how could this album be topped? Which brings us straight to the top of the list in the next entry.
Play it Again: “Down It Goes” Skip It: “Face Down”
1. Premonition (2022)
White Lung may have split in 2022, but Holy Hell did they go out with a bang. Written and recorded pre-pandemic, this combines all the tech punky goodness with Mish’s newfound motherhood and sobriety, leading her and the band to give the performance of a lifetime. This album is the crowning achievement of a Canuck band unsung by the masses. So let’s do better and sing their praises to God from the rooftop, but tell him we’re out of darts when he needs a smoke, because, you know, blasphemy.
Play it Again: Always Skip It: We wouldn’t for the world
Green Day are one of the few punk bands to achieve and maintain mainstream success for decades. Because of this, it’s almost a guarantee that your mother has listened to some of this music, and as luck would have it we had your mother compile a list of 20 Green Day songs that she doesn’t seem to be able to tell apart. (Listen to the playlist as you read)
20. “One Of My Lies”
Ok, I think I like this. It’s so catchy. I don’t approve of him saying he likes to “get real high” though. I thought these guys were one of those straight edger bands you used to listen to? Are you still a straight edger? Didn’t I see you drinking wine at your cousin’s wedding last summer? Good for you, you don’t want to be a weirdo.
19. “Having A Blast”
Ok now wait a minute, mister. This isn’t the same song we just listened to? It almost seems like it is. I see this song is from some album called… “Dookie”? Now why would they do that? Why would they call an album “Dookie”? What would their mothers say about that? You’re not selling too many records with a name like “Dookie,” that’s for sure.
18. “Jaded”
This is a new song? It sounds just like the last one. Maybe it is a little faster. Too fast for me, honestly. I guess I missed the last song ending because I was looking at Facebook. Your Aunt Connie just posted pictures of her trip to Italy. Eck, I would love to get away on a trip like that, but it seems too hot there. Did you see her photos? What do you mean you’re not on Facebook anymore? It’s alright I’ll print them out for you.
17. “Give Me Novacaine / She’s A Rebel”
Ok, now here we go. This is a different-sounding song. I really like the melody but do the drums have to be so loud? Oh, this is actually two songs and the second one is starting… Now wait a second! This “She’s A Rebel” thing sounds exactly like that other band you used to like. What were they called? The Jawbreakers? Yeah, this sounds just like The Jawbreakers! Jeesh, can’t these guys write an original song?
16. “Welcome To Paradise”
“Welcome To Paradise”? This must be about your Aunt Connie’s trip to Tuscany! (Don’t let me forget to show you those pictures!) These lyrics though: “Dear mother can you hear me whining?” Yeah, I’m sure she hears you whining, you do it on every song! Maybe if you didn’t have blue hair or whatever you could get a job and not live in such a bad neighborhood. I bet they had to move back in with their parents after their music career ended. That’s not to say we wouldn’t let you move back in with us. You’re welcome home anytime, pumpkin.
15. “American Idiot”
Isn’t this still the paradise song? It sounds just like it. Oh my God, did he just use THAT word about gay people?! You know I hate that word. What is this song even about? “Redneck agenda”? What does that mean? This guy singing is the real idiot if you ask me.
14. “Brat”
This sounds just like the “American Idiot” song! “Mom and Dad don’t look so hot these days”? Well, speak for yourself, mister. Speaking of which your father just got himself a Peloton and has been riding this thing every day, it’s driving me nuts. He has lost some weight though. Have you been eating by the way? You look too skinny.
13. “2000 Light Years Away”
Oh, you used to listen to this one all the time because you were sad about that girl you asked out to see one of those Matrix movies but she didn’t show up. You were so emo back then. What? Your mother’s not allowed to use the word “emo”? I’m still with it, Buster. I just listened to a podcast with that skateboarder Tony Hawks. Did you know he’s been married three times? How does he afford the child support? He can’t be making that much as a skateboarder, I’ll tell you that much.
12. “Jinx”
Who is this guy singing anyway? What? Billy Joel? Don’t be silly. Billy Joel sings the song about the piano. Your Aunt Connie met him years ago when she was out in The Hamptons. She said he was there with a woman but it wasn’t his wife. You know the one… ugh, what was her name? She was a model. She was in that awful movie with the family that goes on Vacation. Was it called Vacation? Kristen Brimely or something?
11. “Only Of You”
I know I already said this, but didn’t we just listen to this one? Didn’t these guys learn how to play any other notes or whatever? These guys are nothing like The Beatles. Now THERE is good music! “Here comes the sun doo doo doo-doo.” I’ll take The Beatles over The Green Days any day. And you need to call me more.
10. “Outsider”
Oh, good grief. Another song about being a loner and an outsider. I’m not buying it. These guys must’ve made at least a million dollars by now. You know who was a real outsider? Jesus. You should think about that, mister rock and roll. When was the last time you went to church, by the way?
9. “Let Yourself Go”
Now we definitely heard this one before, right? This sounds so familiar. And speaking of which, you know who has really let themselves go? Aunt Connie. I think she’s just given up on finding a man, honestly.
8. “Disappearing Boy”
Disappearing boy? Yeah right, this guy’s not a boy. He’s got to be at least thirty. I’m going to look it up. Hey Siri, how old is Billy Joel from The Green Days? Ugh, this thing never understands me. SIRI… BILLY JOEL… THE GREEN DAYS… HOW OLD?
7. “Green Day”
So let me get this straight. They call themselves The Green Days and have a song just called “Green Day”? These punk rock guys are always just trying to be difficult, aren’t they? I mean The Eagles never had a song just called “Eagle” did they?
6. “Look Ma, No Brains!”
Yeah no brains, boy you can say that again! These guys write all these songs that sound the same instead of getting a real job. You were in a band like this when you were young but now you’re an account manager who gets to sit in an office all day wearing a nice shirt and a tie. You must be so glad you gave up your dreams of becoming punk rock stars like these guys.
5. “Do Da Da”
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me, Do da da? I think these guys have smoked too many pot bongs. And I know I sound like a broken record here but ALL THESE SONGS SOUND THE SAME! OH WHOOPS, I SOMEHOW MADE ALL THE LETTERS UPPERCASE. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP? SHOOT. HEY SIRI, HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPITAL LETTERS ON KEYBOARD? SIRI… CAPITAL LETTERS… TURN OFF.
4. “Too Much Too Soon”
This sounds like all their other songs (of course, LOL!) But I do like the lyrics to it. “She’s always living like she’s running out of time / Too much just ain’t enough to keep her satisfied / And her plastic card is filled with nothing comes to mind” You know who these lyrics remind me of? Your cousin Jessica. Oh, and also Aunt Connie. But then they have to say the F-word again and ruin it.
3. “Who Wrote Holden Caulfield?”
Excuse me, you dumb dumbs but Holden Caulfield is not the name of a book. Holden Caulfield is the main character in “The Catcher in the Rye,” ostensibly a coming-of-age tale that delves into themes of isolation and existential angst told from the point of view of an unreliable narrator through which J.D. Salinger exorcizes the trauma he suffered while witnessing the horrors of World War II. Me and Aunt Connie read it in our book club. I can’t say I enjoyed reading it but oh, I loved the cabernet we drank as we discussed it. Yum!
2. “Sex, Drugs & Violence”
Honestly, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. Did these guys just write one song thirty years ago and just change the title each time? And look at this! Sex, Drugs, & Violence. Three subjects these punkers just can’t seem to get enough of. Don’t they ever just want to write a decent song about holding hands with a girl or eating a nice piece of fruit or something?
1. “Christie Rd.”
Oh, thank God, we’ve come to the end of this whole thing. Oh my, what a day. I need to lie down after this. We just got one of those Purple mattresses and it is just heaven. I heard an ad for it when I was listening to that podcast with Tony Hawks. Anyhoo, this song… I actually like this song. Seems like this guy misses going to some road and just loitering around or something? I don’t know, I’m at my wit’s end, I really am. But this is a nice song, Christie Rd. Oh… Christie Brinkleys! That’s who Billy Joel was married to!
LONDON — Internet detectives trying to solve the mystery surrounding Kate Middleton are dissecting a series of paparazzi photos that show the princess out for a stroll with musicians Andrew W.K., Avril Lavigne, and professional wrestler the Undertaker.
“I’ve gone back through nearly a decade of photos and I’ve never seen Kate with the Undertaker before. I thought maybe he would be in some of the photos from Queen Elizabeth’s funeral, but no, there are no photos of a 6’10” man in a purple suit and hat with her. It seems just a little convenient that she’s seen with him now,” said TikTok investigator Abigail Hannon. “And we know the original Avril Lavigne died and was replaced by her friend Melissa, so maybe this body double is giving new Kate some pointers? It’s really tough to tell what’s going on here, but we will get to the bottom of this.”
The current actor playing Andrew W.K. claims the photos are being blown out of proportion.
“I’ve known Rachel, sorry wait, her name is Kate now. I’ve known Kate for years. I remember when she was recruited. We knew she was going to make it to the big time eventually. If you are a body double for a female member of the Royal Family you’re eventually getting called up to the big leagues,” said W.K. “Me and the crew just wanted to show her our support and let her know she’s doing a great job as Kate. She might be a bit too tall, but from 100 meters away she’s nearly identical. It’s just so cool to see someone you started with make it to this level of fame. We just continue to pray that the corporations that own our life rights don’t decide to kill us off.”
Conspiracy theorists say this scandal goes even deeper than the public realizes.
“If you think Kate has a body double then you’re a legitimate moron. She never even existed in the first place. Have you ever met Kate Middleton in real life? I didn’t think so, she only exists in photos and newsreel footage that is heavily doctored by the elites controlling the media,” said Archie Liston. “Prince William, Prince Harry, King Charles, none of them are real. They are all cyborgs modeled after what royal inbreeding would have looked like if the entire Royal Family hadn’t been consumed by the lizard people after the Falklands War. Time to wake up.”
At press time, Middleton was seen congratulating 75 different Vladimir Putins on their landslide reelection.
NEW YORK — Board members at New York University decided to do away with any attempt at holding up appearances and just allow students to declare “Being Famous” as a major, sources confirmed with a shrug as if to say “makes sense.”
“We simply looked at the fact that 100 percent of our graduates go on to be famous in the arts in some form or another, and decided to cut out the middleman. Kids were applying to our school with the express purpose of making it big, why not make that ‘express’ all the quicker?” said NYU Head Linda G. Mills, as she copy-and-pasted the entire text of today’s Variety into the upcoming alumni newsletter. “It’s a very popular major, with nearly every new student we’ve accepted since the announcement declaring it. We had to read through so many application essays, which we requested, of course, to be written in the style of SNL five-time host monologues. That’ll get that out of the way for them when that day inevitably comes.”
Those who have completed the required coursework for the major were surprised at the perks it came with.
“Graduation was really fun because in addition to my diploma, we were also given the option to take a Tony award, a five-picture movie deal, or an official adoption from a potential famous parent that had connections to the John Oliver writer’s room. I couldn’t decide, with all the lights in my eyes and cameras going off, so they just told me to take all three,” said recent graduate Gerard Holcomb, who minored in “Talk Show Anecdotes.” “They did scold me afterward for not being used to the lights and cameras though, since a lot of the curriculum was based around…that…Ah, sorry to trail off, I’m just noticing the weird ‘grey’ color of this carpet…I’m just so used to red, it really threw me off.”
Hollywood agents are beginning to take note, relieved that their already easy job has been made that much easier by the streamlining.
“It’s just nice to know that someone has a four-year degree in being famous, to prove they’re ready for it,” said talent manager Taryn Linskey, as he sent a client an email requesting 10% of the pay from an acting role the client booked on their own and he in no way helped them get. “From now on, no more walk-ons, even if they’ve got talent spilling out of every one of their head-holes, capisce? They’ll need to make that dean’s list if they want that shot at the A-list, plain and simple! Now, excuse me, I need to go make a bunch of empty promises or I won’t hit my quota.”
Not to be outdone, the Berklee College of Music has now begun to offer the major “Couch Surfing” to prepare their graduates for the life ahead of them.
I took ASL classes for a year because I didn’t want to look like an asshole at tonight’s Godspeed You! Black Emperor show. I couldn’t wait to sign, “Play ‘Motherfucker=Redeemer’!” to the stage and watch the band play the song out of pure respect for my sensitivity. But then I found out they’re a bunch of liars.
Did you know those motherfuckers can talk?
Before I saw that interview on YouTube, I thought Godspeed You! Black Emperor’s albums were an attempt to rhythmically communicate their lived experience to the rest of the world. But why would a band that can fully sing Jason Mraz barbershop songs a cappella in the train station choose to play nine minutes of atonal noise and audio samples of trains? I always thought of Godspeed as a bunch of speech–and possibly hearing–impaired people trying to make a statement about the inherently flawed nature of human existence. Turns out they’re just a bunch of perverts dickin’ around with feedback and cellos.
Which brings me to another point:
What kind of “band” makes music like that on purpose?! Can you imagine slowly building an intricately layered, spiritually transcendent movement that incorporates fluctuating dynamics, multiple rhythm section players, ambient noise for dramatic tension, huge swells of noise meant to surprise the listener, selfless guitar playing, and audio samples, when you could be doing, “OOOHHHH-WAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AAA!” instead? Their lack of down-with-the-sickness vibes is probably why I’ve never finished a single one of their structureless 12-minute songs.
Also, Godspeed’s field recordings of dystopian poetry from the late 1990s count as reading, and fuck reading.
The band is Gen X, so maybe someone should tell the band that archaic physical instruments accompanied by antique visual media is no longer necessary since TikTok exists. Maybe the members of Godspeed You! Black Emperor should duet some videos and share sponsored content, plugs for their merch, podcast, side projects, blog, upcoming festival dates, backup account second podcast, Cameo account, various solo albums, and Twitch streams instead.
I guess they’re just, like, really fucked up or something. Do you think they get high? Wait. They’re CANADIAN? That makes a lot of sense now. Nevermind. Please don’t talk. Or sign. Just keep up whatever it is you think you’re doing.
LAFAYETTE, La. — Local sludge band Acid Jacuzzi embraced recent technological advances at their show this weekend by wearing Apple Vision Pro to experience what it would be like to look out into the audience and actually see people, sources close to the band confirmed.
“That show was literally the most wild experience I’ve ever had,” expressed Acid Jacuzzi vocalist/merch guy Billy Fontenot. “By the time we had to play our set, everybody was gone, the place was a ghost town. So we all strapped on the Apple Visions Pros I bought with my girlfriend’s credit card, and then suddenly we were about to rock out to a packed audience, sort of. Honestly, the AI-generated audience was truly amazing! One lady kept on glitching by bashing her head into the monitor. Fucking brutal. We can’t wait to play for them again.”
According to staff who were working during the band’s set, it wasn’t quite as magical as members of the band seemed to remember.
“It was super slow for a weekend,” noted venue bartender Crystal Melancon. “We typically get a decent crowd for live bands, but these guys couldn’t even get friends or family to show up. I was a little confused when they started playing their set they were acting like they were playing at the Superdome to a sold-out crowd, but the only person there was me, and half the time I was yelling for them to wrap it up early so I could send the staff home. At one point, the drummer threw his sticks out to where the audience normally is, but they just hit the ground. It’s like they thought actual people were cheering for them.”
Noted local music scene historian and tech enthusiast, Cornelius Vandersmoot, weighed in on how the use of technology may affect local music scenes in the near future.
“This is new territory for bands, audiences, and live music in general,” remarked Vandersmoot. “The tech itself is fun, but what are the long-term consequences for shows in general moving forward? Today you have a band thinking they’re playing for an audience. In the weeks to come, we could have musicians jumping from the stage thinking they’re going to be caught by an adoring crowd or start high-fiving invisible avatars after a set. One cringes at the very mention of it.”
At press time, Acid Jacuzzi ultimately decided to play future shows without Apple Vision Pro due to the drummer’s mom butt-dialing him repeatedly during the set, causing him to drop beats while trying to swipe away her calls.
Ask any metal purist and they’ll probably insist that their genre was barely breathing once “Smells Like Teen Spirit” hit the air. The reality, though, is that many heavy bands embraced the sea change, creating a fertile period where at any moment you might catch a dude with dreadlocks, a girl with a shaved head, and a gorilla with an MPC sampler all on the same stage. Here are 30 records released in 1994 that showcase the smorgasbord of musical flavors that arise when metal and alternative rock are thrown in the same pot.
King’s X “Dogman”
Hot off the heels of their successful 1992 self-titled album, Texas power trio Kings X decided to give their longtime producer Sam Taylor the boot in favor of grunge luminary Brendan O’Brien. You can sense a quiet wink and nod to the listener because these guys know they’re way too talented for grunge, with ultra-tight grooves and vocal harmonies to make Crosby Stills & Nash take a knee.
Prong “Cleansing”
On their fourth offering, NYC heavyweights Prong employed superproducer Terry Date and two ex-members of Killing Joke (Paul Raven and John Bechdel) to revolutionize their sound. The result is a satisfying slab of borderline industrial metal so tight and clean you can set every clock in the house to it, with lead single “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck” getting love bombed by Headbanger’s Ball.
Alice In Chains “Jar of Flies”
Essentially an audition tape for newly minted bassist Mike Inez, “Jar of Flies” bears the distinction of being the first EP ever to top the Billboard charts. Due to all the acoustic guitars we’re leaning much more “alt” on this one, but if you search “early Alice In Chains” on Google images you’ll know that these guys have always been metal to the bone.
P.O.D. “Snuff the Punk”
Long before they made your local rock station feel so “alive,” San Diego nü-metal crew Payable On Death dropped their debut LP on the very first day of 1994. What you get is basically what you expect from a band of this ilk just finding their bearings: bouncy metallic riffs, hip-hop flavored vocals, and enough slap bass to send Flea to the nearest restroom.
Therapy? “Troublegum”
If asked to choose a perfect example of the marriage between “alternative” and metal to shoot into space for future angsty teen extraterrestrials to enjoy, the lead single “Screamager” off this Irish band’s most commercially successful release would be the one. Sugary pop hooks soar over Helmet style stop/start riffage, and the goatee game is bulletproof.
Animal Bag “Offering”
The only reference point any normal person would have for Animal Bag is a scene of them performing their funked out ode to country livin’, “Everybody” on the pilot episode of “My So Called Life.” These North Cackalacka natives take a more laid-back, folky approach on their next LP, and also win the blue ribbon for band member with the coolest name in drummer Boo Duckworth, who unfortunately passed away in 2002. Rest easy, Boo.
Stabbing Westward “Ungod”
These Macomb, Illinois (wherever the hell that is) industrial rockers came out of the gates swinging with their major label debut, spawning the pinch harmonic-laden single “Nothing” and earning them opening slots with both Depeche Mode and Killing Joke the same year. 10,000 chain smoking goth girls sighed in approval.
Nailbomb “Point Blank”
A one-off collab between Sepultura’s Max Cavalera and Fudge Tunnel frontman Alex Newport, “Point Blank” is the musical equivalent of a Sawzall entering your skull, in the best way. While Cavalera revisited this record on tour with Soulfly in 2017, the one and only proper Nailbomb gig was at the Dynamo Festival in 1995. Do yourself a favor and go watch that set on YouTube right now. It’s damn near therapeutic.
Powerman 5000 “True Force”
Michael Cummings aka Spider One never managed to reach the height of success that his big brother Rob Zombie achieved, but that’s a lot for anyone to live up to, so let’s go easy on the fella. On his second EP, Spider serves up that distinct brand of sample-heavy proto-metal that seems frozen in the carbonite of the early ‘90s. It’s something a twenty-something with Ableton Live and a Depop account will never recreate.
downset. s/t
For all intents and purposes, Downset are an LA hardcore band, but they always seemed to exist on the periphery of said genre. One could also draw a line from their lack of commercial success to the fact that lead single “Anger” contains a not-so-subtle dig at superstar Zach De La Rocha’s street cred: “Fake motherfucker never even seen a nine.” In the interest of our physical health, we’ll leave it at that.
GWAR “This Toilet Earth”
The fourth album by Antarctica’s interplanetary metal ambassadors, “This Toilet Earth” was also their first to have its artwork and tracklist censored in stores due to the band’s rising popularity. This was in no small part thanks to frequent MTV spins, and their feature in the storyline of the Beavis and Butt-Head video game. Also, blood. Buckets and buckets of blood.
Rollins Band “Weight”
Everyone’s favorite fourth Black Flag frontman returned this year with another serving of that muscular, groovy post-hardcore we’d come to expect. He also, albeit maybe accidentally, endeared himself to the metal crowd with the music video for “Liar,” which is basically five kickass minutes of Hank screaming into the camera in cool makeup while shit is on fire all around him. Hell yeah.
Meshuggah “None”
Progenitors of the über technical, yet moshy flavor of metal now affectionately referred to as “djent,” this Swedish band’s fourth release might not be something you’d want playing in the car on a first date if you’re trying to get some, but it’s DEFINITELY something you’d want to blast on the way home if the night ends well. Remember kids, djent responsibly!
Killing Joke “Pandemonium”
On their ninth full-length, these British post-punk legends put the pedal to the metal and deliver a punishing collection of tracks that are as forward-thinking as they are true to the Killing Joke formula. It’s kind of like a family dinner. You don’t know why, but it’s just better when the old folks do the cooking.
Front Line Assembly “Millenium”
There was quite an obsession with the oncoming new millennium amongst industrial bands around this time. To be fair, all of their post-Y2K paranoias proved to be true and then some. On their seventh studio album, Canadian synth beaters Front Line Assembly pour on enough distorted guitars and apocalyptic samples to keep the fishnet and pleather crowd partying like it’s 2099.
Corrosion of Conformity “Deliverance”
On their fourth full length, these North Carolina metal mainstays eschew their crossover thrash roots in favor of some Southern fried stoner groove, with guitarist Pepper Keenan fully in place as lead singer and songwriter. This creative shift earned them a gold record, and you can even embarrass yourself trying to play “Albatross” on Guitar Hero.
Helmet “Betty”
The flagship outfit of the crew cut and stripey t-shirt generation of heavy music, NYC’s Helmet scored some generous MTV rotation and a spot on “The Crow” soundtrack with lead single “Milquetoast.” By generous I mean that shit was played ad nauseum every day, but can you imagine a time when a band this awesome was on TV enough to make you sick of them? The early ‘90s were magic like that.
Widowmaker “Stand By For Pain”
Somewhere in the murk between MTV superstardom fronting Twisted Sister and box office floppery in writing 1998’s torture porn “Strangeland,” Dee Snider assembled some of his most able-bodied rocker pals to form Widowmaker. The result sounds like a bunch of highly competent metal musicians attempting grunge, which honestly could be a lot worse, ya know?
Kyuss “Welcome to Sky Valley”
The third full-length by future stone age queen Josh Homme and crew serves up another helping of the desert-grown Sabbath-worshiping stoner rock they put the trademark on. Ten tracks clocking in at just under an hour might rub your punk rock ADD the wrong way but, like, maybe just rip a bong and chill out, man.
Drown “Hold On to the Hollow”
As per Amazon’s product description: “Corrosive industrial metal with all the requisite torment on the lyrical front marks this debut from a Los Angeles quartet.” Amazon might be the only place you can snag a hard copy of this obscurity, too, but at least your lyrical torment comes with next-day shipping.
Infectious Grooves “Groove Family Cyco”
The third installment by Suicidal Tendencies frontman Mike Muir’s funk metal supergroup boasts a murderous rhythm section in future Metallica bassist Rob Trujillo and future Avenged Sevenfold drummer Brooks Wackerman. It also turns out to be the second album on our list with a diss track against Rage Against the Machine: “Now you’re makin’ your political statement, or are you tryin’ to add to your financial statement?” Sick burn, bro.
Melt-Banana “Squeak Squeak Creak”
Attempting to put into words Japanese noise rock unit Melt-Banana’s sound is a tall order, but let’s give it a try: Imagine suffering a grand mal seizure while a group of children in animal masks smash a pinata full of colorful broken glass all over you. It’s both as uncomfortable and fun as it sounds, and it only lasts half an hour.
Warrior Soul “The Space Age Playboys”
Legend has it that Warrior Soul frontman Kory Clarke started the band on a bet, and within months scored himself a multi-album deal with Geffen. By “legend” I mean Wikipedia, because nobody is actually talking about this band in 2024. Apparently Lars Ulrich really took a liking to this album, though, inviting the band to open for Metallica at Donington. Suffice to say, Kory won the hell out of that bet.
Marilyn Manson “Portrait of an American Family”
Legendary edgelord Brian Warner aka Marilyn Manson dropped his debut full-length this year, sparking a generation of bad fashion decisions and… possibly even worse behavior. “Portrait of an American Family” does contain some bangers, though, particularly the bass heavy anti-bullying anthem “Lunch Box” and the stompy, b-movie horror inspired “Dope Hat.” Just don’t lose a rib over it.
Danzig “Danzig 4”
Original Misfits front ghoul Glenn Danzig described his fourth solo offering as “A very challenging record, philosophically, vocally and musically.” Maybe for him, but for us it’s more of that good bluesy, devil worshiping rock ‘n roll we’ve grown to love him for. No need for hyperbole, Glenn. We’re here for it.
Tiamat “Wildhoney”
If you’ve ever wondered what happens when a Scandinavian death metal band discovers psychedelic drugs, this Swedish group’s fourth release is a pretty good case study. Spoiler alert: there are keyboards, acoustic guitars and… rain sound effects? Also, you can rest assured at least one of these guys was rocking a hemp poncho at the time.
Melvins “Prick” & “Stoner Witch”
It’s no surprise that the most prolific band in all of heavy music would drop two releases this year, “Prick” being an intentionally inaccessible clusterfuck on underground noise rock label “Amphetamine Reptile,” and “Stoner Witch” being their most commercially palatable offering, released on the very major Atlantic Records. Proof positive that even a maniac like Buzz Osbourne enjoys a little balance in life.
The Jesus Lizard “Down”
Both their final release on Touch & Go Records and their last to be produced by Steve Albini, “Down” continues this Chicago band’s legacy of bottom-heavy, stompy noise rock. A fun music video for “Destroy Before Reading” accompanied the release, depicting singer David Yow’s severed head being tinkered with by children in a laboratory. It’s the kind of tongue-in-cheek nightmare fuel that Gen X couldn’t get enough of.
Body Count “Born Dead”
With the smoke still simmering from their controversial 1992 ode to law enforcement “Cop Killer”, the second studio album by Ice-T’s metal project Body Count experienced a much quieter release. A pretty competent rendition of “Hey Joe” (which also appeared on the Jimi Hendrix tribute album “Stone Free”) serves as the standout here, proving that Ice is as multi-talented as he is utterly terrifying.
Cop Shoot Cop “Release”
Ok, this is gonna be a tough sell, but hear me out… This band didn’t have a guitarist. Are you still there? Good. Now what if I told you that instead of a guitarist, they had TWO bassists? Please don’t run away, because Cop Shoot Cop was legitimately awesome. Like, should have sold a million records awesome. Listen to Cop Shoot Cop. Stream them until they’re rich.
White Lung’s debut album is a noisy, grungy and scummy affair, and contains glimpses of future glories, but never quite hits a home run in terms of songwriting or performance. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with that, like ol Squirrely Dan from Letterkenny would say, since this album can be fun to kill a mickey of Canadian Crown in the woods with your friends, providing the soundtrack to the party, and all the chaos that would ensue on that rip.
White Lung’s second album pushed the band out of their comfort zone while still retaining the rawness of their first album, even earning them a Guiness World Record for most Canadian album title. Just like a rare steak, it satisfies your primal lust for blood and stimulates the sophisticated palette with its aggressive but melodic sound that would not sound out of place at a squat house, with the added technical flair courtesy of Kenny William. This album is where the legend was born, or something like that.
The closest thing to a major label debut for a punk band in the 2010s, due to its pristine, sometimes too sterile production and poppier direction. But even with their sound clean and pristine, White Lung continued to sound bellowing and mean, with deceptively nihilistic tales spun atop all the pretty colours conjured by Kenny William (pairs fantastically with BC’s other best export if you know what I mean). As they say in Canada, Oh bah’d that’s givin’er.
White Lung’s first album in three piece configuration, before Kenny decided that rather than be killed, he was going to do the killing, murdering the need for anyone else to play bass for this band (in the studio anyways). This iteration of White Lung would prove punishing and emotive, with a refined, but still cutting edge take on post-punk providing propulsion to their burgeoning career. But with such perfection, how could this album be topped? Which brings us straight to the top of the list in the next entry.
White Lung may have split in 2022, but Holy Hell did they go out with a bang. Written and recorded pre-pandemic, this combines all the tech punky goodness with Mish’s newfound motherhood and sobriety, leading her and the band to give the performance of a lifetime. This album is the crowning achievement of a Canuck band unsung by the masses. So let’s do better and sing their praises to God from the rooftop, but tell him we’re out of darts when he needs a smoke, because, you know, blasphemy.
