Every The Cure Album Ranked

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Dave McNamara

The Cure rule. If you’re reading this, you probably agree with that statement. You also probably spent some time in your teenage years, smoking cloves in a Denny’s parking lot at 1 a.m., buying ecstasy from a guy wearing a Jamiroquai hat. Or maybe that was just me and my friends. In any case, here is the definitive ranking of all The Cure’s studio albums by a pretend journalist.

13. Three Imaginary Boys (1979)

The Cure never made a “bad” album, but you gotta start somewhere with these lists, so here we are. This is a fine record, it’s just not really the Cure. It’s a fun post-punk pop band that would eventually become The Cure. So as far as we’re concerned: no hairspray, no lipstick, no Cure.

Play it again: “Grinding Halt”
Skip it: “Foxy Lady” (Not sure what the hell is going on here…)

12. Wild Mood Swings (1996)

This was the follow-up to The Cure’s most successful record “Wish.” And most of us wished that it was as good. It’s kind of even keel gothy-pop with a hit song called “Mint Car,” which isn’t about cars at all, but sex as a metaphor for fleeting happiness. Shocker. The production sounds good, and, well, there’s not much more to say about this one. The Cure has a lot of fucking albums, so there is no sense in focusing too much time on the weaker ones.

Play it again: “Mint Car” (it’s a good song damn it!)
Skip it: “Numb” (aptly named)

11. The Top (1984)

After the abyssal gloom of “Pornography,” most of the band quit, leaving Robert Smith to make most of this record himself. It’s weird and has all the psychedelic playfulness of a “Zoobilee Zoo” episode. This was also the record that started introducing “world music” elements to The Cure’s sonic palate, for better or worse. It’s a rainstick of a Cure album, that has its moments, but certainly not the place to start.

Play it Again: “Wailing Wall”
Skip it: “Bananafishbones”

10. Bloodflowers (2000)

This is the third in a “trilogy” of albums that included “Pornography” and “Disintegration.” And it is definitely the “Return of the Jedi” of the bunch. This one is riddled with late-90s production tricks that have not aged well. I’m talking tiny techno drums, phased-out keyboards, and reverse guitar intros. It’s as if Butch Vig took a bunch of ketamine and drooled all over a Garbage album. And yes, that makes total sense.

Play it Again: “Bloodflowers”
Skip it: “The Loudest Sound”

9. 4:13 Dream (2008)

This is the most recent album from The Cure and it’s actually pretty good. Most folks have probably never listened to it. It has the sad, it has the happy, and then it has more of the sad. Just what you want from a Cure record. The cover art is pretty bad though. Sort of like an AI Lars Ulrich painting.

Play it again: “The Hungry Ghost”
Skip it: “Freakshow” (really, skip this one.)

8. Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me (1987)

This is The Cure’s “Sandinista” – some real bangers here, but a few too many tracks. Home to “Just Like Heaven” most of these songs are fairly upbeat. It’s like the Welbutren has finally kicked in and Bobby and the boys are here to have a good time. This is also one of those records where the ’80s production sound actually enhances the songs, especially the synth horns in “Why Can’t I Be You?” It’s like a red Maserati with the top down, tearing down the cocaine highway to Malibu.

Play it again: “Catch”
Skip it: “The Snake Pit”

7. The Cure (2004)

This is an album that some music sites have chosen to shit on. But not this one. This is the edgiest record in their catalog. They traded out the chorus pedals on this one and replaced them with some Boss Distortion. Robert Smith’s voice even approaches something close to a growl at times, which actually rules. Fuck you, Stereogum.

Play it again: “End of the World”
Skip it: “Anniversary”

6. Faith (1981)

This is where shit gets real. From here on out, it’s all glorious gloom. “Faith” is the dark twin to “Seventeen Seconds” in sound, mood, and amount of grey on the album cover. “The Funeral Party” might go down as the most Cure song to ever Cure. I can imagine the Chris Kattan character in the Goth Talk SNL sketch being based entirely on the vibe of this song. Full goth abandon.

Play it again: “The Funeral Party,” duh
Skip it: “All the Cats are Grey” (only for the title)

5. Pornography (1982)

Any record that has an opening line of “It doesn’t matter if we all die” has a lot of despair to sustain, and boy does this one do just that. “Pornography” is one of those records that if it stopped answering the phone, you’d definitely want emergency services to go and check on it. Despite the despair, it’s also the most rhythmically interesting record The Cure ever did. The drums are front and center on this one, like some proto-industrial Blue Man Group shit. But instead of performers catching marshmallows in their mouths, they’re catching quaaludes.

Play it again: “Siamese Twins”
Skip it: the whole record if your depression is flaring up

4. Wish (1992)

Everyone loves this record and for good reason – it continues the tradition of windchime use on a rock record. “Wish” is like if “Disintegration” got its shit together and finally finished that Psychology degree it started fifteen years ago. “Wish” always has money for rent and is an album you’d feel comfortable having cat-sit while you’re out of town. “Friday I’m in Love” is the one Cure song your norm-friends will know and for that, this record deserves a spot near the top of the list.

Play it again: “A Letter to Elise”
Skip it: “Wendy Time”

3. Head on the Door (1985)

This one finds the band reformed after The Top, and their sound has a decidedly more approachable vibe. It has one of the strongest openers in the Cure’s catalog (In Between Days) and is the first to use a very rare wooden instrument that would feature prominently on future records – the acoustic guitar. “Close to Me” remains one of the band’s danciest jams and a reminder that the term “goth” is about as effective at characterizing the Cure as long sleeve fishnet shirts are in getting you laid.

Play it again: “In Between Days”
Skip it: “Kyoto Song”

2. Disintegration (1989)

I know, I know… this should be number one. Ranking “Disintegration” number 2 is some contrarian-Pitchfork bullshit and I should be stripped of my black fingernail polish and Aquanet for doing so. But hear me out – yes, it’s The Cure at their absolute highest powers. Yes, there’s not an album in their catalog that captures the band’s essence as well as this one does. And yes every song is a dark magic jewel in the crown of sad rock. But “Disintegration” is the logical culmination of a decade’s worth of solid songwriting and development, and for that, I let this one fall at number 2. Feel free to pour absinthe in my gas tank.

Play it again: And again
Skip it: Don’t

1. Seventeen Seconds (1980)

We will end this list the way we started it – by using abstractions to rate music rather than the music itself. The Cure’s second record is a wild departure from its predecessor in like, every way. It’d be like if U2’s second record sounded like Depeche Mode, if Depeche Mode didn’t exist, and they continued to sound like that for the next 40 years. To try something so different and unique, and to nail it so perfectly on a single album is a feat rarely seen in music. And for that, I rank this number 1. Come at me, nerds.

Play it again: “A Forest” is the greatest Cure song
Skip it: Only if you put on “Disintegration” instead

Singing Drummer Feels Just as Weird About This as You Do

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — Local musician Tommy Petro, drummer and backup vocalist for metalcore band The Song of Sisyphus, admitted he feels the same sense of awkwardness you do every time he’s forced to sing, confirmed multiple uncomfortable sources.

“It’s unnatural. I don’t like it. And the fact he’s doing the clean vocals makes it even worse. If he was just screaming every now and again it wouldn’t be so bad,” you said, after sitting through three songs from the band. “The way he has to crane his neck to reach the microphone looks like a zoo animal trying to eat leaves from a tree just outside its cage. They need to hire a keyboard player immediately to do these vocals or I’m going to have to call the cops, because this is a crime.”

Petro himself echoed your discomfort while trying to avoid eye contact with fans between sets.

“You think I want to be this way? I’ve been to several healers to change my voice. I even tried contracting laryngitis to give myself an excuse to quit this Hell I’ve created for myself. At the end of the day, nobody in the band can sing as well as I do. Such is my curse,” said Petro, who admitted that his songs aren’t about heartbreak or addiction, as most fans assume, but about the agony of being a drummer who sings well. “Most days I pray for the show to end so I can go back to my apartment and be a normal human being —- though I know I can never be ‘normal.’ Other days I think fuck it, maybe we’ll just go by way of the Beatles and stop touring.”

Music historian Henry Gallo believes singing drummers are some of the most maligned musicians.

“The hope is that the band gets big enough to hire a legit drummer, some ugly bastard like John Bonham, who’ll disappear the moment he counts them in. That way, the singing abomination behind the kid can regain some human dignity and just stand there with a tambourine like Stevie Nicks,” said Gallo. “I mean, you don’t see Dave Grohl singing from behind a set anymore because he knows it makes him look like a monster unworthy of love. I encourage any drummer to move to the front of the stage pick up a prop-guitar, like Don Henley, if their vocal contributions are absolutely necessary.”

At press time, you were seen dry-heaving at the sight of Petro moving his mic stand over to a marimba.

I’ll Give You $20 if You Stop Saying I’m Only Capable of Transactional Relationships

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Tim Graham

Come on, man, just take the money. Who doesn’t want twenty bucks? Listen, it’s simple: All I’m asking is for you to stop accusing me of only being a decent person when I expect to get something in return. It’s just not true! But since you won’t give it up, I have no recourse but to offer you what is frankly a very reasonable sum of money which will hopefully persuade you to change your opinion on the matter.

Remember when you were in the hospital with kidney stones and I brought you your Switch to help pass time? Then later, when I told you to take my admittedly flatulent and kind of racist grandmother to the airport, you had the nerve to accuse me of holding that hospital favor over your head just because I immediately did that when you said you couldn’t get her.

If you’re so convinced I’m this monster who can only view relationships in terms of “What can I get out of it?” why don’t you go ahead and ask my girlfriend what she thinks? Not now of course. She’s outside washing my car. She asked if we could take her mother out for a birthday dinner this weekend and four car washes seems like a fair exchange to me. Generous, even.

I’ll have you know I do nice things for people all the time. Okay, yes, I do record each act of kindness in a ledger book and will at times call upon those people to reciprocate. Is that so strange?

I said I’d feed your cat while you’re away, didn’t I? All I asked in return is that you sign a little contract that you owe me a favor of equal or greater value (to be determined by me). You balked at what was a completely equitable transac- I mean, deal. Or agreement between good friends. Yeah…

So you’re not going to take the twenty? Whatever. How about instead, I’ll just buy you lunch? Great! And on your way to the diner, you can pick up my dry cleaning since you’ll be passing right by anyhow.

FBI Plant at Food Not Bombs Slowly Getting the Hang of Pronouncing Quinoa

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Tim Sheard

PORTLAND, Ore. — An undercover federal agent implanted in the nationwide food-sharing collective Food Not Bombs is finally making strides to learn the correct way to pronounce “quinoa,” confirmed volunteers who are completely unaware they are being surveilled.

“I’m doing my best to blend in with these people. I’m volunteering with these hippies every weekend to help out a bunch of freeloaders who could just get a job, and I haven’t complained once,” said the undercover federal agent. “The toughest part is being exposed to all these new ethnic foods. I honestly think it’s criminal to serve this stuff. When I first showed up people looked at me funny because I was pronouncing it ‘kwin-noah’ and I thought my cover was blown. But I have been watching a lot of vegan Youtube channels and I finally think I’m pronouncing it right because nobody laughs at me anymore.”

Local community organizers admit they have been suspicious of the man they’ve known as “Blake” for over a year.

“You know, a decade ago when quinoa was the hot new protein on the block it really wasn’t unusual to hear all sorts of strange pronunciations of it, but after a few months of coming here every weekend it just seemed like Blake wasn’t really getting it,” said organizer Tara Gomez. “I tried correcting him once but then he got kind of aggressive and started prying and asking personal questions about politics. Then he laughed and said something like ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if we blew up the courthouse?’ I’ve kept my distance ever since then.”

FBI Director Christopher A. Wray says the Bureau puts in extensive time to train all undercover agents in the field.

“You know, it’s easy when we have a guy try to infiltrate the KKK or some drug-running motorcycle gang because most of the agents are intimately familiar with those worlds,” said Director Wray. “It becomes far more difficult when they have to blend in with these liberal whack jobs trying to ‘make the world a better place for everyone.’ We train our agents about gender-neutral pronouns, consent, and racial tolerance, but we can only do so much. I just want to plant illegal firearms on these people and get my guys out of there as soon as possible.”

At press time, the undercover agent was almost outed once again after he asked another volunteer if they listen to “The Joe Rogan Experience.”

Every Less Than Jake Album Ranked

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Eric Navarro

Less than Jake are the unsung heroes of 3rd wave ska. While they may not have had a giant radio hit like Reel Big Fish and Mighty Mighty Bosstones, their influence on ska was just as impactful. Just listen to any up-and-coming ska band (assuming those exist) and you’ll hear the countless ska tropes that LTJ basically invented along the way.

So sit back and enjoy our rankings of every studio album from the band with the best “time spent on Warped Tour-to-accusations” ratio of all time. Oh, and we can’t wait to read the comments about how some EP or B-Side collection we didn’t rank is, “AKCHOOALLY THEIR ONLY GOOD ONE.”

9. See the Light (2013)

This entire album is a disappointing listen. With the exception of one song that sounds just as huge and emotional as some of the more epic tracks on “Anthem,” the rest of the album plays like a collection of the blandest songs across their entire catalog. They’re not bad but they’re not nearly up to par with the rest of the discography. This record suffers from a massive influence of a bland type of modern punk rock that many people call “Fest Punk.” Just don’t call it that around anyone who actually goes to Fest.

Play it again: “Sunstroke”
Skip it: “Do the Math”

8. In With the Out Crowd (2006)

This is the only other Less Than Jake record that isn’t amazing. They’re a fantastic band so let’s get this out of the way before gushing over the rest of their catalog. “In With the Out Crowd” is LTJ’s major label follow-up to “Anthem” and gets the nod over “See the Light” simply because it’s a major departure from the band’s typical sound. It’s at least an interesting collection of iffy songs as opposed to a boring collection of iffy songs. This record made me want to call cry “Sellouts!” but my voice was still hoarse from doing that when they put out “Anthem” (except I was wrong that time).

Play it again: “Hopeless Case”
Skip it: “Don’t Fall Asleep on the Subway”

7. Silver Linings (2020)

It’s wild how Less Than Jake’s musical palette is expanding while Reel Big Fish’s is shrinking. In the ’90s, LTJ was the distant 4th on the Mount Rushmore of ska behind No Doubt, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and RBF. That changed drastically with the success of “Anthem” and Less Than Jake has continued to be a major force in keeping ska alive, and even pushing the genre forward, ever since. “Silver Linings” does an incredible job showing that LTJ can still experiment and modify their core sound in a way that’s classic yet fresh. There are a lot of corny lyrics and the Fest Punk-vibe is strong, which holds it back a bit.

Play it again: “So Much Less”
Skip it: “Move”

6. GNV FLA (2008)

Once the band was freed from the ska-hating shackles of a major label, they released GNV FLA. This album is a complete return to form (and genre). This record is rawly produced, which matches the songwriting. The less-polished production works perfectly as a (likely accidental) throwback to how their early records sounded. Lyrically, this album doesn’t hold a candle to LTJ’s top 5, but musically it’s right up there with their truly S-tier records.

Play it again: “Abandon Ship”
Skip it: “Malachi Richter’s Liquor’s Quicker”

5. Pezcore (1995)

Now we’re fucking talking! The rest of this list is primo-LTJ gold. “Pezcore” sounds like a local band at times (which they were when they made it) but it sounds like the best local band of all time. The songs are incredibly well-written, lightning-fast ska classics, recorded exactly how you’d expect for an unsigned ska band in 1995. It’s full of little flaws but that’s part of what makes it perfect. Catch 22 often gets credit for popularizing “hyperstrokes,” but “Pezcore” led the way. This is a game-changing record if you care about ska. So I guess it’s not that game-changing for most of you. But it is to me, dammit.

Play it again: “Liquor Store”
Skip it: “Process”

4. Borders & Boundaries (2000)

“Borders & Boundaries” is the album where Less Than Jake truly came into their own as writers of, let’s say, anthems. The songs on this record sound gigantic. Many of the songs are instant campfire sing-a-long classics. Oh, also, this album has a lyric about how people in the punk scene aren’t funny. The only other time I’ve heard a lyric like that was in a song by Against Me!, who are from the same city. Damn, the Gainesville Florida punk scene must have the worst sense of humor. I wouldn’t worry about it though, Gainesville isn’t a big punk town.

Play it again: “Last Hour of the Last Day of Work”
Skip it: “Mr. Chevy Celebrity”

3. Losing streak (1996)

There is a special place in my heart for any ska album that came out between 1995-1998. This was when 3rd wave ska had its largest influence in the music world and the records that were produced during this period were so inspired and advanced the genre so massively. For instance, on “Losing Streak” you can hear countless ska tropes that were basically created while making this album. The singers learned how to synergize their vocals in a way they’d continue to perfect throughout their career. It’s a real shame the only radio hit they had during this era was “We’re All Dudes.” Just kidding, that’s worth a million “Sellout”s.

Play it again: “Krazy Glue”
Skip it: “Rock-N-Roll Pizzaria”

2. Anthem (2003)

Long-time fans know that this record was a fucking force. Even longer-time fans know it was not initially well-received. As a major label release that was almost entirely stripped of ska, hardcore fans were initially put off by the album’s radio rock vibes. Hell, there’s an entire album of B-sides from this record that sound like the ska album the band intended to make as a follow-up to “Borders & Boundaries.” “Anthem” is a prime example of how limitation breeds creativity. Go listen to this record, especially if you’re not into ska. It’s also pretty sick how they called their shot by naming this record “Anthem” and then wrote like 14 songs that were damn sure anthems.

Play it again: “Plastic Cup Politics”
Skip it: “Motown Never Sounded so Good”

1. Hello Rockview (1998)

Ungodly-catchy hooks, perfect instrumental and vocal synergy, and lyrics that still make me want to scream off the rooftop that I’m leaving this town, nobody gets me, and fuck you Mom and Dad. If you can find the CD booklet, open it up and immediately listen to this album even if you’ve heard it a million times before. The booklet re-orders the songs and turns them into comic book pages with the lyrics serving as dialogue and exposition. In this context, “Hello Rockview” tells the story of an adolescent re-visiting everything in his hometown and contemplating his past, future, and self before finally leaving for good. Though you can get the same basic story from listening to it in the regular order too, I guess.

Play it again: “Danny Says” (I don’t care what you say Chris Demakes, this song rules)
Skip it: N/A

Top 15 Iggy Pop Songs That Make You Realize What A Guy Can Do When He’s Not Burdened By Shirts

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

We all know that Iggy Pop is a streetwalking cheetah with a heart full of napalm, but the man born James Osterberg is much more than your standard war-crime feline. As such, we here at The Hard Times have taken the time to put together a list of the Iggy Pop solo songs that really indicate the breadth of his oeuvre, which don’t even require you to smear peanut butter across your bare chest. If you want to, though, that’s up to you.

15. “Real Wild Child (Wild One)”

That’s right, we’re starting off with the poppiest song that Iggy ever made, a straight cut of 1980s cheese that was the best part of “Crocodile Dundee II: Dundee Nights.” If you’re Australian, you might know this as a cover of the iconic Johnny O’Keefe song that is often considered the breakthrough of Aussie rock, but to everyone else, it’s just a straight-up fun time.

14. “Fall in Love with Me”

The final track of Iggy Pop’s 1977 album “Lust for Life” (more on that one later), “Fall in Love with Me” apparently came about through a jam session with the Sales brothers, two guys whose mustaches are not too be fucked with. While “joyful” might not be the word you associate with Iggy, listen to him sing “You’re young at heart/ A bottle of white wine” and try not to think it sounds like a good time to hang with him.

13. “Living on the Edge of the Night”

We’ll be direct: “Brick by Brick” is a pretty shitty album and includes a song written by John Hiatt, so we know we’re toeing the line here. But “Living on the Edge of the Night” manages to transcend one of Iggy’s worst efforts by channeling the embarrassingly earnest balladry of Meat Loaf which elevates the album, if only for a few minutes.

12. “Loves Missing”

In recent years, Iggy Pop has grown increasingly contemplative, which makes sense for a 75-year-old man who has looked exactly the same since 1996. That explains the poignancy of “Loves Missing,” a ballad that works exactly because of the weathered, battered tone of the icon’s voice and the sensation that this is a guy who’s actually seen some shit in his life.

11. “Wild America”

“Wild America” might have one of the greatest riffs that Iggy has ever sung over, a metallic k.o. courtesy of Eric Schermerhorn, who would later go on to play with Seal, Pink, and other people who only have ridiculous names. This track might be the closest that Iggy has ever come to recapturing the vicious nastiness of peak Stooges, and there might not be a better closing line in his oeuvre than “We all made mistakes.”

10. “Turn Blue”

Okay, now we’re getting into the good shit, also known as the Bowie years. “Turn Blue” is as much a free-association tone poem as it is a song, reportedly recorded in an ecstatic, extemporaneous session before the singer’s girlfriend dragged him out of Bowie’s studio. It’s a bizarre, mournful, and gospel-like journey through Iggy’s darkest years, and as soulfully confessional as he would ever get.

9. “Get Your Shirt”

At one point, Iggy Pop and Underworld decided that the “Trainspotting” soundtrack was a good enough reason for them to get together and record an EP and that it actually fucking slapped. Sometimes stupid ideas actually work out.

8. “Candy”

Despite our best efforts, “Brick by Brick” is back on here again, which makes us think, is this album actually good? Fuck no, it’s not, but “Candy” is an undeniable banger, buoyed by the B-52’s Kate Pierson and the best pop melody Iggy’s ever written.

7. “I’m Bored”

“I’m Bored” is the most memorable track off “New Values,” Iggy Pop’s third solo album and reunion with late-period Stooges guitarist James Williamson. It may be the apex of the singer’s youthful snottiness and the blueprint for pretty much every pop-punk singer ever, which has to count for something.

6. “La Vie en Rose”

Did you know that Iggy Pop released an all-covers album of mostly French pop songs in 2012 titled “Après?” Did you know it includes “La Vie en Rose,” the signature song of Edith Piaf, the greatest singer to ever live? Did you know it actually is fucking heartfelt, heartbreaking, and makes a case for Iggy as a not-so-closet romantic? Now you do.

5. “The Passenger”

You know it had to be on here. This song might be the best thing Jim Morrison ever did, and that was to inspire Iggy Pop.

4. “Nightclubbing”

At a certain point, the dividing line between David Bowie’s sonic treatments and Iggy Pop’s solo works in the 1970s begins to blur. Bowie himself later admitted that he basically treated the Stooges singer like a guinea pig in his synthesizer experiments, but since it resulted in immortal drug anthems like “Nightclubbing,” all can be forgiven.

3. “Sister Midnight”

Oh hey, we’re back at “The Idiot,” Iggy Pop’s first solo album. The riff to this one is so fucking sick, it had to be recycled for Bowie’s “Lodger” album and turned into yet another hit for Iggy’s best friend and frequent lifeline. It also features Iggy at his most evocative and poetic, drifting from lovelorn ballad to strange Oedipal reverie to ecstatic baying at the moon. It doesn’t get much better than this, except for the next two songs.

2. “Lust for Life”

How is this not Iggy’s best song, you ask? What can be better than those fucking drums, based on an Armed Forces Network call signal and played by Hunt Sales? Bowie wrote the song on a goddamn ukelele like a YouTube personality and it should be engraved on Iggy’s tombstone, so what could be better than this track?

1. “Tonight”

This one. This is the best track of Iggy Pop’s entire solo career and we don’t care what you think. There is no song in his entire discography that more completely utilizes everything that makes him great than “Tonight,” a ballad with a perfect Bowie pop hook and Iggy’s world-destroyingly heartbreaking tale of lying to an OD’ing girlfriend that everything will be okay, even though it most assuredly will not.

The song begins with a shotgun kick of drums, before wailing, mournful choral vocals usher in Iggy himself, bleakly describing finding his love dying in their bed from the addiction destroying them both. The singer never sounded bleaker than in this declaration, before a gorgeous synthesizer line kicks in and Iggy sings in his warmest, most comforting voice that “everyone will be alright, tonight/ no one moves, no one talks/ no one thinks, no one walks tonight/ tonight.”

For all of the darkness of Iggy’s songwriting (and life), there is a core of bizarre, heartfelt humanity at the center of it. That’s what makes the rest of it so harrowing, and both sides have never been expressed so well as on “Tonight.”

Dive Bar Clearly Displays “Cash Only” Sign on Tiny Handwritten Piece of Scrap Paper Taped to Darkest Corner of Bar

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Russ Bizaro

PHILADELPHIA– A local dive bar is making sure all customers are made aware of their payment policy with a helpful “Cash Only” sign handwritten on the smallest piece of scrap paper that’s taped to the corner of the bar where all the lightbulbs are out, according to sources.

“When the bartender said they don’t take credit cards, I was like ‘sweet, you guys must’ve upgraded to Apple Pay,’” said patron Alex Schwartz. “Then the bartender pointed to a scraggly ‘Cash Only’ sign written in pencil that was clearly soaked in water at one point. Someone told me it’s really easy to see if you look at exactly 6:36 p.m. when the sun aligns perfectly and a thin sliver of light comes through the crack of the door. Totally my bad for missing it, I fucking guess.”

Bartender Andrea Patterson remembers creating the sign.

“I added a second, even smaller sign as backup. Some of the letters wore off so it only says ‘Cas ly’ but there should be plenty of context clues,” explained Patterson. “Plus in those rare cases where someone doesn’t carry large amounts of cash anymore, we now have an ATM that sometimes works. It’s the one that says ‘Lehman Brothers Bank’ and it has a small convenience fee of $25.”

Owner Max Retner takes pride in the work he’s done to keep the bar authentic.

“I remember when I first heard of this new technology called credit cards. The year was 2016 and I thought it would never catch on. And it didn’t,” said Retner. “We strive to make sure we always stay behind the times here. It’s not easy ensuring that one toilet is always broken and half the lightbulbs are out. We’re currently looking to downgrade our register to a mechanical one that gets jammed and all of the buttons are worn down so it’s impossible to train new staff.”

At press time, Schwartz was seen trying to peel his boots off the recently re-stickied floor.

Inside the Ironic ICP Fan to Earnest Juggalo Pipeline

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Charles Bill

I walk into a dark room. Sitting on a chair in the shadows is a man with a painted face. He’s asked to remain anonymous, for safety reasons, he preferred to go by his Juggalo name ‘Sexy Dead Bitch’. I’m here today to discuss a sensitive issue, one many would rather keep quiet. This man is going to be my guide inside the ironic ICP fan to earnest Juggalo pipeline.

SDB was not always the painted face Faygo consuming Juggalo that sits before me today. He used to be just a college student when the video for Miracles came out. He thought it was so funny that these harlequins didn’t know about magnetism, and made fun of them with his friends. Sure, it was funny to say that Violent J looks like Guy Fieri if he had less self-respect, that got a laugh from his friends. For them, that was enough. For Sexy Dead Bitch, his ironic obsession had just begun.

SDB tells me about his first time going to an ICP concert. He convinced his roommate to go with him, it would be so funny to go there and make fun of these face-painting idiots. “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we painted our faces too?” They went to the concert, indistinguishable from any other Juggalo. Only a strange thing happened. SDB’s roommate was making fun of the Gander Mountain employees at the show when SDB didn’t find it funny anymore. These folks understood something deeper, the fact that we are all just living in the Dark Carnival, and Shaggy 2 Dope was the only one brave enough to talk about it.

The next day SDB had a craving for Faygo that he couldn’t control. He drank liters of it before noticing he hadn’t cleaned off his face paint from the night before. And why should he? This was his new face, his true face. From that day forward he presented an encyclopedic knowledge of all states’ age of consent. He had become a true Juggalo.

I sat across from Sexy Dead Bitch with my mouth hanging open. I offered to bring in a scientist to discuss his transformation, but he affirmed that he didn’t want to talk to a scientist because those motherfuckers lie and make him pissed.

Local Man’s Latest Rambling Voicemail from Mother Features Phoebe Bridgers

Posted on May 14, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

ROCKLAND, Mass. — Local man Eddie Clifford was surprised to discover the most recent extended voicemail from his mother Ruth featured a cameo from acclaimed singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers, confirmed multiple confused sources.

“My mom’s voicemails always start off the same. She starts with ‘I love you, I miss you’ and then it usually gets kind of dark when she starts to let loose with what she actually wanted to say,” said Clifford while trying to upload the voicemail message to Youtube. “Today was different though, around the four-minute mark my mother just stopped talking and suddenly it was Phoebe Bridgers singing a beautiful song about how my mother raised me to be better than this, and how I need to take a long look in the mirror. Then it cut back to my mom who sounded a little tipsy saying ‘Don’t bother calling me back.’”

Bridgers, who has been a featured guest vocalist on multiple notable tracks over the past few years, says she was excited to work with Clifford’s 64-year-old mother.

“I first discovered Ruth by accident on Facebook in 2017. She would post some of the most hilarious status updates like ‘Why is Eddie getting married?’ and ‘Can I force my son oldest son to get a divorce?’ I think she was trying to use Google but got confused,” said Bridgers during a 40-second break from touring. “I had my management reach out to her immediately. It took her nearly six years to respond, but it was worth the wait. When I heard she planned on having a bottle of wine and calling her son I needed to be a part of it. I asked her to do some work with boygenius, but that led her to talk about how Eddie did really good in school and now acts like an idiot.”

Popular music reviewer Anthony Fantano was quick to praise the collaboration between Mrs. Clifford and Bridgers.

“Ruth Clifford has been known for years in the underground voicemail world as one of the most prolific talkers of her generation, and combining that with the toned-down style of Phoebe Bridgers is taking the ‘guilt trip voicemail’ to a new level,” said Fantano. “Not once do any of Ruth’s complaints seem forced, and it’s justifiable that she wants to hear from her oldest son more often. Then when Phoebe comes in—it’s just a punch straight to the guy. I just hope my own mother and Phoebe can also collaborate on a voicemail about how I’m a personal disappointment despite my success.”

At press time, Mrs. Clifford admitted she would be taking a break from voicemails while she tries to figure out why her television remote is “acting so weird.”

REPORT: Someone’s Gotta Tell Mom That’s Not What Fisting Means

Posted on May 14, 2023 by Patrick Coyne

CHESTERFIELD, Mich. — Local siblings recently came to the awkward conclusion that one of them needs to tell their mom fisting means something very different than what she thinks, following an embarrassing social media gaffe.

“My mom was at a charity golf event and got to meet some former Tigers pitcher. Only when she bragged about it on Facebook, she told everyone she ‘fisted’ Justin Thompson, as in ‘fist-bumped’ him,” said oldest daughter Shannon Levine. “It was one thing when mom kept calling a conference call between her, myself, and my brother a three-way. Or referring to the strap she uses to hang her glasses from her neck a ‘strap on,’ but this needs to be stopped. Still, we’re all dreading having to break it to my sweet, Christian mother that some people enjoy the sensation of a clenched fist invading their anus.”

Mom in question, Loretta Levine, gave some insight about her life.

“Well, I’m a retired school teacher. Sure, I miss it sometimes. Cutting it up with the kids, felching until we can’t breathe, which is slang for laughing, so they told me. Now I mostly just stay at home felching with my husband, fingering through my phone, or catching the lunch specials at Guiesppes, which us locals call ‘The G Spot,’” explained the family matriarch. “But the highlight of my week is watching my grandson Aiden. The other day we caught the new Spider-Man. It was so thrilling seeing Tim Holland shoot thick, white ropes all over Michael Keaton.”

Digital expert Erica Bridges offers services specializing in training parents to avoid such moments.

“While most Baby Boomers are immune to social media embarrassment thanks to a hardy insulation of ignorance and naivety, it’s their children who really suffer. God forbid a parent share a laughing emoji on a post about a friend of a friend’s suicide, or mistake Facebook for Google, or worse yet, PornHub,” said Bridges. “Our goal is to train the technologically impaired ME generation how not to make fools of themselves online. Or if that’s not possible, set them up with a dummy Facebook app that can’t connect to the internet, so they can instead shout their malapropisms and right wing propaganda into the void.”

At press time, the seemingly innocent mother of three casually mentioned her plans to cuck her husband later as decades-long members of their local swinger’s community.