CHESTERFIELD, Mich. — Local siblings recently came to the awkward conclusion that one of them needs to tell their mom fisting means something very different than what she thinks, following an embarrassing social media gaffe.
“My mom was at a charity golf event and got to meet some former Tigers pitcher. Only when she bragged about it on Facebook, she told everyone she ‘fisted’ Justin Thompson, as in ‘fist-bumped’ him,” said oldest daughter Shannon Levine. “It was one thing when mom kept calling a conference call between her, myself, and my brother a three-way. Or referring to the strap she uses to hang her glasses from her neck a ‘strap on,’ but this needs to be stopped. Still, we’re all dreading having to break it to my sweet, Christian mother that some people enjoy the sensation of a clenched fist invading their anus.”
Mom in question, Loretta Levine, gave some insight about her life.
“Well, I’m a retired school teacher. Sure, I miss it sometimes. Cutting it up with the kids, felching until we can’t breathe, which is slang for laughing, so they told me. Now I mostly just stay at home felching with my husband, fingering through my phone, or catching the lunch specials at Guiesppes, which us locals call ‘The G Spot,’” explained the family matriarch. “But the highlight of my week is watching my grandson Aiden. The other day we caught the new Spider-Man. It was so thrilling seeing Tim Holland shoot thick, white ropes all over Michael Keaton.”
Digital expert Erica Bridges offers services specializing in training parents to avoid such moments.
“While most Baby Boomers are immune to social media embarrassment thanks to a hardy insulation of ignorance and naivety, it’s their children who really suffer. God forbid a parent share a laughing emoji on a post about a friend of a friend’s suicide, or mistake Facebook for Google, or worse yet, PornHub,” said Bridges. “Our goal is to train the technologically impaired ME generation how not to make fools of themselves online. Or if that’s not possible, set them up with a dummy Facebook app that can’t connect to the internet, so they can instead shout their malapropisms and right wing propaganda into the void.”
At press time, the seemingly innocent mother of three casually mentioned her plans to cuck her husband later as decades-long members of their local swinger’s community.