PORTLAND, Ore. — An undercover federal agent implanted in the nationwide food-sharing collective Food Not Bombs is finally making strides to learn the correct way to pronounce “quinoa,” confirmed volunteers who are completely unaware they are being surveilled.
“I’m doing my best to blend in with these people. I’m volunteering with these hippies every weekend to help out a bunch of freeloaders who could just get a job, and I haven’t complained once,” said the undercover federal agent. “The toughest part is being exposed to all these new ethnic foods. I honestly think it’s criminal to serve this stuff. When I first showed up people looked at me funny because I was pronouncing it ‘kwin-noah’ and I thought my cover was blown. But I have been watching a lot of vegan Youtube channels and I finally think I’m pronouncing it right because nobody laughs at me anymore.”
Local community organizers admit they have been suspicious of the man they’ve known as “Blake” for over a year.
“You know, a decade ago when quinoa was the hot new protein on the block it really wasn’t unusual to hear all sorts of strange pronunciations of it, but after a few months of coming here every weekend it just seemed like Blake wasn’t really getting it,” said organizer Tara Gomez. “I tried correcting him once but then he got kind of aggressive and started prying and asking personal questions about politics. Then he laughed and said something like ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if we blew up the courthouse?’ I’ve kept my distance ever since then.”
FBI Director Christopher A. Wray says the Bureau puts in extensive time to train all undercover agents in the field.
“You know, it’s easy when we have a guy try to infiltrate the KKK or some drug-running motorcycle gang because most of the agents are intimately familiar with those worlds,” said Director Wray. “It becomes far more difficult when they have to blend in with these liberal whack jobs trying to ‘make the world a better place for everyone.’ We train our agents about gender-neutral pronouns, consent, and racial tolerance, but we can only do so much. I just want to plant illegal firearms on these people and get my guys out of there as soon as possible.”
At press time, the undercover agent was almost outed once again after he asked another volunteer if they listen to “The Joe Rogan Experience.”