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Dive Bar Clearly Displays “Cash Only” Sign on Tiny Handwritten Piece of Scrap Paper Taped to Darkest Corner of Bar

PHILADELPHIA– A local dive bar is making sure all customers are made aware of their payment policy with a helpful “Cash Only” sign handwritten on the smallest piece of scrap paper that’s taped to the corner of the bar where all the lightbulbs are out, according to sources.

“When the bartender said they don’t take credit cards, I was like ‘sweet, you guys must’ve upgraded to Apple Pay,’” said patron Alex Schwartz. “Then the bartender pointed to a scraggly ‘Cash Only’ sign written in pencil that was clearly soaked in water at one point. Someone told me it’s really easy to see if you look at exactly 6:36 p.m. when the sun aligns perfectly and a thin sliver of light comes through the crack of the door. Totally my bad for missing it, I fucking guess.”

Bartender Andrea Patterson remembers creating the sign.

“I added a second, even smaller sign as backup. Some of the letters wore off so it only says ‘Cas ly’ but there should be plenty of context clues,” explained Patterson. “Plus in those rare cases where someone doesn’t carry large amounts of cash anymore, we now have an ATM that sometimes works. It’s the one that says ‘Lehman Brothers Bank’ and it has a small convenience fee of $25.”

Owner Max Retner takes pride in the work he’s done to keep the bar authentic.

“I remember when I first heard of this new technology called credit cards. The year was 2016 and I thought it would never catch on. And it didn’t,” said Retner. “We strive to make sure we always stay behind the times here. It’s not easy ensuring that one toilet is always broken and half the lightbulbs are out. We’re currently looking to downgrade our register to a mechanical one that gets jammed and all of the buttons are worn down so it’s impossible to train new staff.”

At press time, Schwartz was seen trying to peel his boots off the recently re-stickied floor.