We are well into winter. It is cold. It is gray. So it goes.
The one good thing about winter is that it gives you the chance to showcase your defining personality trait—having seasonal affective disorder, or kind of adorably, SAD. Unfortunately, every other self-serious schmuck has the same idea. How do you separate yourself from the pack? By going deeper into the abyss.
Sometimes the only way up is down. You don’t want to go into springtime wondering if everyone around you knew just how much the lack of sun fucked with your brain. You want to get all that shit out and have it validated by your psychiatrist, your family, and everyone in your sphere so when those tulips start poking out you’re ready to pivot into full-blown attention-grabbing mania! Enter one Kurt Vonnegut.
Vonnegut was America’s greatest satirist and while his comically depressing work is peppered with uplifting maxims such as “If this isn’t nice, what is?” his overall vibe is the catalyst you need to get the most out of your seasonally triggered depressive episode. Which Vonnegut novel will give you the most bang for your sad bed-ridden buck? Let’s break it down!
10. Bluebeard
This one had so much promise in terms of bumming the reader the fuck out. It’s the tale of a fictional, insanely skilled artist, Rabo Karabekian, who got swept up by the abstract movement and achieved fame by putting simple stripes of colored tape on canvases, work that in his heart he knows is bullshit. What’s more, it turns out the tape he used wasn’t very good, and all of his priceless masterpieces are falling apart. Everything is sailing smoothly toward bummersville until a spirited young woman enters his life and teaches him to abandon his closed-off hermit ways, open himself up, and reveal his secret masterpiece to the world. That’s right, this guy starts in a bad place, learns, and changes for the better. You might as well read a book by anyone else. This is simply not what we come to Vonnegut for.
9. Galapagos
This is the story of how mankind evolves into sea lion-like creatures that pretty much are just sea lions who laugh at farts. It is told from the perspective of Kilgore Trout’s son, or rather his ghost, who refuses to cross over into the afterlife for a million years. There’s good depression here what with the world’s economy tanking and a virus rendering all humans infertile except the survivors of a shipwreck on one of the Galapagos islands, and the book’s central argument that humans are only unhappy because of our large brains sure looks how you feel right now. At the end of the day, however, it’s just too zany to fully bolster your seasonal depression. This is Vonnegut telling us “Hey, I’m a crazy old man now, look at me!” and honestly it’s pretty fun.
8. Slapstick
Vonnegut’s fictionalized meditation on his own loneliness and the tragic loss of his sister is certainly a labor of sad, but truth be told it seems like it was way more depressing to write than it is to read, and let’s be honest, “Hi ho” is no “So it goes.” And while the novel is set in a world where a large portion of the population has been killed and Western Civilization has virtually collapsed (a trademark setting for Vonnegut) his protagonist’s plan to cure loneliness by randomly dividing the population into 20 new extended families does sort of work, and is sort of uplifting. Save this one for summertime, you’ve got abysss’ to stare into!
7. Jailbird
Now we’re starting to cook, depression-wise. “Jailbird” is the autobiography of Walter F. Starbuck, an ineffective bureaucrat who winds up going to prison over the Watergate scandal. The book opens on the day of his release and ends with him going back to prison, which is a bummer, but the real tragedy is to be found with side character Mary Kathleen O’looney, who lives as a bag lady in NYC despite secretly being CEO of one of the largest corporations in the world. A lifelong communist, Mary is hiding from corporate spies who wish to see her dead as she ponders the best way to use her considerable wealth to help the world. She never figures it out, dies, and her company is dismantled and reabsorbed into traditional capitalist channels. The world doesn’t end in “Jailbird,” The tragedy is just everything going back to business as usual, but that’s its own sort of bummer, and if you’re not convinced of this book’s bum-out power here’s a sample line: “The human condition in an exploding universe would not have been altered on iota if, rather than live as I have, I had done nothing but carry a rubber ice-cream cone from closet to closet for 60 years.” It’s FULL of shit like that.
6. Timequake
With this 1997 book, Vonnegut showed the world that just because he was a crazy old man at that point he still had the power to make you hold a newborn baby, look it in the eye, and think “This means nothing.” In “Timequake” there is, well, a time quake. Basically, time reverses and everyone in the present of 2001 goes back to the year 1991, but the thing is everyone is stuck doing whatever it is they were doing in 1991 because of course free will is an illusion. If you, say, accidentally ran over a kid on his bike in 1995, you just have to watch yourself do it again, and said kid has to just watch himself get hit again! By the time the world catches back up to 2001, everyone is so depressed and complacent that they simply stop moving. The only man unaffected (Kilgor Trout of course) has to shake everyone one by one and remind them that they are still alive. Holy fuck. Apparently, Vonnegut wasn’t satisfied with the depressing powers of the initial draft so he went ahead and peppered in sad anecdotes from his own life throughout the text and even threw in a bunch of last words from dead famous people for good measure because fuck you.
5. Breakfast of Champions
Don’t let the fun drawings of assholes and the fact that Vonnegut tells you the size of every character’s dick fool you, this book is gut-wrenching. Everything from racism to the cruelty of capitalism to the idea that free will is an illusion is gloriously explored here. In it a man reads a science fiction novel addressed to the reader, telling them that they are the only person in the universe and that everyone else is a robot. The unhinged man takes it to heart due to a chemical imbalance in his brain and goes on a rampage. Thanks a lot, Kilgor Trout! Meanwhile, you’re reading THIS book and having thoughts like “If I put tinfoil on all the windows I won’t notice the dishes as much.”
4. The Sirens of Titan
This one will kick the last of your dopamine out of bed faster than you can say chrono synclastic infundibulum! Almost all of Vonnegut’s work has elements of science fiction, but this one is the most science fiction-y. Don’t worry about all the fun space hijinks cheering you up! There is SO MUCH to get bummed out about here. Highlights include an orchestrated war between Earth and Mars, the rise of The Church of God The Utterly Indifferent, and the word “Greetings.” Seriously, he takes the word “Greetings” and uses it in such a way that it is the most devastating, gut-punching word you have ever read in your life. Tear through “The Sirens of Titan” and no one will ever challenge your status as king sad ever again.
3. Cat’s Cradle
Since this novel (*spoiler*) ends in a doomsday forever-winter it’s arguably the most on theme for this, the season of brooding. Vonnegut turns his satirical lens to issues of religion, technology gone mad, and war, themes as relevant today as they were in 1963. I’m sad already! Thrill as everyman narrator John endeavors to write a book about the bombing of Hiroshima only to discover the bomb’s co-creator made an even deadlier weapon, a substance that can cause all water to freeze at room temperature by the name of ice-nine! Become oddly aroused by the small island religion of Bokonon in which practitioners have sex by touching the soles of their feet together! Experience crippling dread as the last survivors of the ice-nine apocalypse commit ritualistic suicide by eating the doomsday substance, and it really really works! Every sun-lamp in the world burning right in your face at the same time can’t save you from the crushing wit of “Cat’s Cradle!”
2. Slaughterhouse-Five
If you think being stuck in bed is bad, try being unstuck in time. That’s what happens to Billy Pilgrim, a prisoner of war who witnessed the bombing of Dresden. Upon witnessing the bombings Billy becomes non-linear, and spends the rest of the novel traveling to and fro various points of his past and his future, which include a brief stint as an exhibit at an alien zoo on the planet Tralfamadore. It’s basically a big crazy metaphor for PTSD and disassociation. If you’re looking to reach the type of depression where you go to the McDonald’s drive-thru and, when asked what you would like to order respond “What’s the point?” “Slaughterhouse-Five is your golden ticket!
1. Mother Night
This one just, I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, you know what I gotta go lay down. I’m going to shut off my phone, don’t text, don’t call.
The much-anticipated album after reuniting with classic singer, his sexiness David Vincent, and the first without Pete “the feet” Sandoval, which gave the band the benefit of having a guy with an onion-style haircut on second guitar. Oh boy was this a disappointment. Shifting away from their classic death metal sound towards some indigestible industrial insanity, this album truly worked hard to earn the bottom slot, despite some moments of former glory thrown atop the slop.
The second outing with Steve Tucker has all of the traditional Morbid Angel fixings, like a Fast Food Death metal album, while breaking no new ground, it still provides the seductively satanic sonic feast that one craves when listening to Death Metal, even if it’s no fillet mignon. And most of us are so broke these days that a Big Mac will suffice over any fancy schmancy sit-down meal. So you can listen to this in a pinch, but there are plenty of better options out there.
After the objective failure that was Illum, Trey sacked David Vincent and re-hired Steve Tucker, course-correcting Morbid Angel back to their signature sound. Thankfully, it also reminds us of how FUN Death Metal can be without any of the meandering tracks, failed experiments or masturbatory mish mash that Trey claims to come up with while in the Temple of Ostyzx (in some alternate universe,an anagram for Tripping Balls).
First and foremost, this collection of flagitious tracks is the first album with the criminally underrated Steve Tucker, proving that the band was a strong independent band, that didn’t need no heartthrob frontman. Point being, with a reliable, solid frontman who could deliver the goods, and an album rips just like its predecessors, all while teaching us that maybe it’s what’s on the inside that counts, dear shallow readers.
Undeniably the best of Tucker era Angel, this album pulled off the impossible by not only crafting an album that could stand tall next to their classic works, complete with all the riffs, blast beats, and mind-bending guitar solos the public had come to expect. The resounding success led to the firing of Steve Tucker, and the return of original vocalist David Vincent, in an ill-fated attempt to recapture the lightning in a bottle of their first four albums, leading to the crapsterpiece that was “Illum.” For one steeped in mythological knowledge, you would expect Trey to know the dangers of flying too close to the sun, but he’s always seemed like more of a Dionysus dude over an Icarus Individual.
The last album with frontman David Vincent and the first to enlist Guitarist/Producer/go to replacement for iconic guitarist Erik Rutan, while this album still has the chops and evil of previous releases, it’s a little too polished and produced for our tastes, which is frankly blasphemous. Mathematically, this makes the “Domination” less blasphemous than previous records, leading it to our number four spot. Still a classic though.
Their sophomore release sees the boys in Morbid Angel experimenting more with different instrumentation and song structure, paving the way for what was to come next. From the raw brutality of “Unholy Blasphemies,” to the beautiful acoustic standalone used by every intermediate high school guitarist to impress their crush with “Desolate Ways” (RIP Richard Brunelle, Heaven gained another wingman). A perfect midpoint between the raw death metal of early Morbid and the more technical death metal that came next.
Morbid Angel’s first album as a three-piece, and the album feels both tighter and more expansive for it, with every inch of this album moving like a juggernaut akin to the devil bringing an apocalypse. This was also the closest Morbid Angel, and the death metal genre as a whole came to mainstream success, with the video for “God of Emptiness” not only being featured on MTV (paving the way for future metal heartthrob Pete Steele), but also garnered them a well-earned spot on Beavis and Butt-Head. And if that ain’t metal royalty material, then I don’t know what is!
A collection of early demos and recordings with original singer/drummer Mike Browning, this record serves as an interesting look at a band pushing the limits of thrash metal and the beginnings of their burgeoning death metal sound of later full-lengths. A time capsule showcasing a band on the cusp of a musical revolution. The flint to this ignition was the inevitable inclusion of El Salvador’s best and beastliest blast beater Pete Sandoval, and commanding frontman David Vincent, this artifact of ancient death metal belongs rightfully in a metal museum.
Oh come on. Going into this list y’all knew which album was going to be number one. An all-American death metal album that not only belongs in a museum but the Library of Congress due to its radically patriotic free expression, while also promoting religious intolerance (A CORE AMERICAN VALUE)! This writer even owns TWO copies of this magnificent milestone of metal, deviating death metal from its thrash roots and bringing trve mvsical heresy to the masses by way of demonic death growls, furious drumming, and guitar riffing straight from the tormented souls on the album cover. Luckily for the band, all of these souls had passed from this mortal coil, leaving the band FREE FROM COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. Now without further ado, GHOULS! ATTACK THE CHURCH!
Probably one of your safest bets. Anyone wearing this costume will make people think they’re a misunderstood sweetheart who got hurt in the past and needs a little comfort in life. Put this one on and you’ll get more deals than all of Wall Street combined. You might also get a back rub while you’re at it.
Perhaps one of the more intimidating costumes at first glance. However, once you get past the 15-inch tusks, and blueish devilish face, it’s actually quite a charmer. You also need to airbrush a 10-pack to your core, and thick meaty thighs, giving the impression that you work out often and care about your health. Thus you care about your clients’ health and wellbeing as well.
This one might be tough but once you get past the fact that you have no eyes with this and can’t make proper eye contact, they’re in. Clients won’t know where to look after they sign their life away to you. So they’ll be drawn to your razor-sharp airbrushed abs. And who can say no to abs like that? Exactly. This one’s a safe bet.
This costume really has it all. Charm, class, elegance. The beard has gotten a little out of hand so you might have some explaining to do as to why you haven’t had a touch-up in a while. But if you can schmooze your way out of that dealbreaker, you can certainly sell any knucklehead whatever bullshit insurance you have to offer.
You might be able to make the sale with this one. Just maybe. But when you’re out for dinner celebrating your one and only victory they’ll see your true colors. The intrusive thoughts that come with this costume are hard to avoid. You’ll just want to cut everything in half, including the clients! You’d better add a no refunds clause into that contract if you want to pay your parents’ rent.
Okay, hear me out. At first glance this is not the most trustworthy costume. Although he reminds us of Count Volpe from “Pinnochio, “so you’re not off to a good start. But something about the costume seems like you’re just trying to make an honest living in this fucked up world.
Looking like the long-lost female member of a Kiss cover band, dressing up as Mrs. Hymen might not be so bad. Your target demographic would be hardcore Kiss fans, so know your base. Know the references and don’t use as much tongue.
This one looks like a half-assed prehistoric Daft Punk costume. With this costume you’re going to have to show full chest. Are you ready for that? Probably not. No one in the world is ready for that.
Toe’s costume reminds us of that one cousin who decides to show up randomly to Thanksgiving dinner after not hearing from him for five years. You don’t know where he disappeared to, but every time you see him he has a new personality and a new way to make a million dollars. Toe looks like he just spent 3 months mining .0001% of a bitcoin. So if you choose this costume, know your audience. You might just do well.
This one looks like if The Hulk and Godzilla had a demon baby that grew up with Daddy issues. We’ve all been screwed over before by someone who looks like this cave troll before. So you’re going to have an uphill battle when it comes to selling anything to anyone using this costume.Maybe if you hit another rock bottom and decide to sell cars instead, this could work. But for insurance, probably not.
See back in the ’80s, this costume was killing it. But look, it’s 2024 now, and this, this is just your average burning man attire. Are we selling insurance or did we just spend two weeks in the desert after three weeks of not showering.
This costume looks like the creature that hovers over our beds when we have sleep paralysis. Clients will be sweating profusely from the moment you walk in as you remind them of the worst sleep they’ve ever had.
We created a fake Tinder profile to see how likable someone wearing this costume could be in today’s society. And let’s just say, you would attract some very interesting characters with this. There’s just something about those overly exposed thighs that can be too distracting.
Are you serious? Don’t even consider this one. See that giant fucking wrench? How can anyone get anything done with that thing attached? Why have such an attachment and not squeeze everything around you? While this may seem like a lot of fun to wear, you can’t use that to sell insurance. Work can’t be fun, remember that.
This costume reminds people of a freshly shaved ballsack, and that shit just doesn’t sit right with us. It feels like you can’t even touch this costume without it burning. Also, what’s up with the shirt? It’s ripped to shreds! No one would listen to a word you say when they are forced to maintain eye contact with your nipples in this costume.
Imagine trying to explain to someone why you’re 90% flesh, 10% fur and teeth, and then trying to sell them something. You put this on and your soul is immediately transformed into the freak show of a werewolf you’re meant to be. It’s hard to resist the temptation to take a bite out of your clients wearing this.
With a face like the worldwide family classic 2001 Jeepers Creepers, you’re going to freak most people out. Your only possible clientele will be those people who buy the blue alien Fleshlight as their first choice. Is that really who you want to be dealing with?
Something about this costume makes it feel like it comes with a dump truck of an ass. And that just has to get in the way of getting anything done in the insurance business. Have you ever seen Cardinal Syn turn around? Neither have we. They’re hiding something back there and they can’t be trusted.
Let’s say you’re meeting a client with this costume. Fancy restaurant because, maybe, your parents taught you something right. You go up to shake their hand, and BAM. You accidentally fatally pierce your client’s head with your giant teeth. Your short arms make it impossible to be able to properly greet a client. Unless you wave hello to them. But then who would want to buy insurance from someone who greets them with a wave?
Just… no.
Are you kidding? How could anyone get anything done using this? She squirts blood from her nipples! And it’s fucking uncontrollable. Imagine you’re pitching insurance rates, meanwhile the nice white shirt your mom bought you for this is quickly getting soaked with gooey blood, only for it to burst through the shirt and splash on the faces of your clients. Think again.
Sexcuse me? Absolutely not. Why would anyone buy insurance from the guy that resembles The Gimp from “Pulp Fiction”? You know you can’t trust anyone in this costume. One minute you’re talking insurance rates, the next you’re on all fours with a gag, belt, and feathers, trying to muffle out “SEXCELLENT!” No thank you. Putting on this sexy latex costume you wouldn’t know if you should be discussing plans or your BDSM test results hoping your client is also a rope bunny.
Good news: this might just be the best-looking maggot anyone has ever seen.
Oderus Urungus is solid without this attachment. But when you decide to incorporate the FULL Oderus costume, you’re in trouble. You turn around with this costume and you knock all the paperwork off your desk with your giant cock! Another big factor: the giant penis squirts out blood! With a mind of its own, you never know when it’s going to squirt three gallons of blood all over your insurance papers. Can’t file legal papers when it’s covered in demonic blood.
Jesus, what a sight! Clients will immediately want to climb on those antlers and ignore anything you want to sell them. How can we ignore the giant death-eating udders in your core that shoot out blood? That’s like Oderus Urungus with the Cuttlefish activated four times! And if they try to push those death udders to the side, their hands would get caught in the fangs and lose their arm completely! Can’t sign any documents without your hands.
