Guitarist’s Pre-show Warm Up Mainly Just Texting “No Worries” to All the People Who Aren’t Coming

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local guitarist and noted pushover Jackson Ermine revealed his customary pre-show ritual consisted of letting everyone he invited know that it’s alright they’re not coming, relieved sources confirmed.

“Yeah, usually I stretch a little, run through a few scales and finger exercises to get the blood flowing, and then I take three or four hours to text back ‘no worries’ to the few dozen friends saying they aren’t going to make it tonight. I’d just feel ‘off’ without that, y’know? Gets me in the proper headspace,” said Ermine, not looking up from his phone. “And sure, I could just send out a mass text or an Instagram story saying it, but they took the time and energy to let me know personally that they wouldn’t be watching me pursue my dreams and passions, so why should I give them any less. It’s a matter of respect, their total lack of respect for me.”

Many of Ermine’s loved ones have gone on record saying blowing off his gigs is a mutually beneficial situation.

“It might seem like we’re being fair-weather friends by standing him up show after show, but trust us, it’s just making him work harder. I think it makes him play better and better each time” said Ermine’s PetSmart coworker Teona Gazzariti. “I say ‘I think’ because, again, I’ve never actually attended one of his shows, and likely never will. But I’ll be damned if I ever forget to let the guy know I won’t be there. The hope he has up for me and all his other friends coming is the only hope he’ll have…who am I to dash them by quietly letting him go about his night none the wiser? I’m not an evil mastermind.”

T-Mobile analytics liaison Harriet Bellflower attests that “no worries” texts create the bedrock of total texts worldwide.

“At any given minute of the day, there are an average of 46.1 musicians worldwide texting their friends ‘that’s cool, next time’ before they play a mostly empty bar show. It’s just solid data.” said Bellflower, as she received one herself, as if on cue. “In fact, and this doesn’t leave this room, if people started showing up for their buddies’ performances, it would single-handedly bankrupt every cell phone company and conglomerate into oblivion, with no hopes of rebuilding. Luckily, it’s clear that will never happen. I’m blowing off three rock shows, a zine-release, and a pot-luck/poetry reading as we speak. At the end of the day, we’re only human.”

At press time, Ermine was frustrated to find that everyone he texted followed up to say they’d be free to get wasted somewhere after, though.

Bored Donald Trump Pardons Jared Fogle for the Hell of It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decided on a whim to pardon former Subway spokesperson and confessed serial child molester Jared Fogle, sadly unsurprised sources report.

“It was a pretty slow day today,” said Trump. “Elon’s taking care of most of the work, so I just watched Fox News and ate McDonald’s all morning. I remembered I needed to do something that flexes my presidential muscle so people wouldn’t forget who’s boss, so I pardoned that Subway guy. He seems like a nice enough guy despite those little child predator charges. I mean, the guy managed to convince the whole country that a 12-inch meatball sub is somehow healthy, so I admire his ability to lie under pressure. I also can’t fault him for the sex offenses, either. They didn’t happen under my presidency so they don’t even count.”

Fogle was perhaps the most surprised at the pardon.

“I would’ve campaigned for Trump had I known this was going to happen,” said Fogle as he prepared to leave his prison in Jefferson County, Colorado. “I was actually pretty accustomed to my life behind bars, so now I’m unsure what I’m going to do. Being a Subway spokesperson and showing my former pants on national television are literally my only skills, and I sincerely doubt that place is going to hire me again. Maybe I’ll see if Jersey Mike’s or Firehouse Subs are looking for people to star in their commercials, or, at the very least, hire me as a crew member at one of their locations around here.”

Senior South Carolina senator Lindsay Graham reacted to the latest bit of news he’d be forced to defend.

“This had to happen right before my CNN interview,” Graham sighed as he stared dead-eyed at the wall of his office. “At least if it was on Fox News they wouldn’t even bring it up, but I just know Kaitlan Collins is going to ask me about it. Maybe I could mention Fogle’s past focus on child fitness and say his release is a net positive for society? Ugh, I don’t know. I got into politics because I sincerely believed in conservative ideology. Never in a million years did I think I would be defending a child predator because a talk show host-turned president needlessly pardoned him from prison.”

At press time, Trump decided to make Fogle the new Secretary of Education.

Opinion: As a College English Professor, It Is My Duty To Try and Sleep With Students To Inspire Their First Great Novel About Middle-Aged Men

Posted on by Tim Sheard

My name is Professor Henry Davison. I have been a professor of English for twelve years at Grover Cleveland University here in Ohio. And it’s time to face facts: Everyone is so damn sensitive these days. It’s like nobody remembers that it’s the job of a teacher to mold and motivate his pupils. And this is what I do, the only way I know how. It doesn’t matter if they’re a mousy Freshman woman or a haggard, but still very beautiful grad student, it is my job to try and sleep with my co-eds to inspire their first great novel about middle-aged men.

I am a disciple of the greats: Bukowski, Updike, Wallace. And I am here to tell you there are only two acceptable things to write about in the whole of literature. One is office culture, which I usually tell my male grad students to write about for their first novel. And the other is the sexual liberation and coming of age of forty-year-old men, which I find only a young woman’s perspective can achieve with my careful tutelage.

It’s worked for me, you know. I still remember writing my first novel: Lessons Learned on Bitterbuck Terrace. It’s the story of a young man, just barely thirty-nine, being reintroduced to his love of life by a naïve, but beautiful twenty-two-year old, who helps him gather the strength to leave his mean wife when she tries to make him give up his semi-professional curling league. That’s pure autobiography. It was barely cheating. She gave me an ultimatum. Her or curling. I could’ve gone Olympic if it hadn’t been for my sciatica.

Do my attempts go over well? No. Mostly no. Do I get slapped in the face? A lot. If it was nickels, I’d have at least a dollar the amount of times someone’s hit me. It’s the vicious cycle of being a creative. No one ever understands me. I’m just a young, gleeful, forty-plus-year-old adonis, here to inspire art.

And I know what you’re asking me: Professor, how can you possibly be this cavalier about all this? Doesn’t the nanny state of academia discourage these attempts? Well, you’d be right — in a wrong sort of a way — but let me ask you this: Have you ever tried to fire someone with tenure? You might as well go swim in the desert. But it doesn’t make the slaps hurt less, that’s for sure.

Songwriter’s Dark, Deep, Lonely Creative Process Mostly an Excuse to Get Day Drunk on a Tuesday

Posted on by James Knapp

MANITOWOC, Wis. — Brooding songwriter Evan Stone’s dark, deep, and lonely creative process was seen mostly as an excuse to get day drunk on a Tuesday, sources who are going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow confirmed.

“Crafting a song is a deep and complex process that explores your rawest emotions at their very core. That’s why I need to be absolutely blasted before I even consider putting pen to paper. It really strips away your filter,” explained Stone. “It’s especially important in the first draft stage. Remember what that one guy said: ‘write drunk, edit sober.’ I’m pretty sure it was Dr. Seuss. Or Roald Dahl. One of those.”

Rick Jacobson, bartender at The Greasy Moose where Stone was exercising his songwriting process, expressed doubt that any progress was actually being made.

“That guy’s been sitting in here for four hours and I think I’ve seen him write down two things in that entire time. Mostly he just stares into the middle distance with a profound look on his face and then orders another shot of Goldschlager,” commented Jacobson. “Not like I really care – people are allowed to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t make a mess in the bathroom. What bothers me is that I know he’s one of those assholes who is gonna say he’s light on cash and then try to tip me with a poem. Yeah, he has that look about him.”

Notable day drinker, Jawbreaker singer, and patron saint of all things deep, dark, lonely and creative, Blake Schwarzenbach, sympathized with Stone.

“I don’t necessarily wanna say that mindless alcoholism and creativity go hand-in-hand, but while I was writing ‘Dear You’ I started everyday in the studio with a case race against the guitar techs,” stated Schwarzenbach while taking his sweet goddamn time writing any new Jawbreaker material. “The bummer part is, you do actually have to bother to write something once you’ve gotten sloshed. Otherwise you’ve just wasted your time and probably more money than any song you could have crafted would ever even net you.”

At press time, Stone had scribbled the words “Breakup Song?” on his notepad before deciding to take a break to play the bar’s Golden Tee game for a little while.

Epstein Island Only Place Unaffected By Trump Tariffs

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — As a flurry of new US tariffs continued to shake the world economy, President Trump announced the only place unaffected by his new trade policy would be the infamous Epstein Island.

“My great and powerful tariffs have finally liberated America from the world’s economy, with the exception of the wonderful people of Epstein Island, who have always been very good friends to me. I’ve met a lot of friends there, dear friends, and the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. We love Epstein Island, don’t we folks?” rambled Trump from the Rose Garden. “We will open a beautiful trade relationship with them, and many people are saying this is the greatest trade partnership in the history of the world. They have agreed to give us groceries and goodie bags at a very affordable price, unlike those backstabbers on Norfolk Island. I hear their island is infested by very nasty and incompetent penguins, who can’t even fly away from that shithole. Very sad!”

Economist Paulson Thatcher retained an optimistic view of the global economy after hearing of the Epstein Island exemption.

“Today’s announcement will prove to be another cunning economic chess move by President Trump, as Epstein Island has long been a favorite place of commerce among the world’s elite—uh, I assume anyways, I’ve certainly never been there myself,” said Thatcher, adjusting his tie. “But what we do know is that the island has a thriving economy and is reportedly the leading importer in fourteen-year old—that’s weird, the next word has been redacted—but I assume it’s referring to aged scotch or cigars.”

Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly hailed the announcement as a great success after Trump named Ghislaine Maxwell as new ambassador to the island following a full Presidential pardon.

“Nobody knows the inner workings of Epstein Island better than Ghislaine Maxwell, and her vast network of connections to world leaders and global financiers will help President Trump shower golden riches all over America,” said Baier. “Only someone as visionary as President Trump would think to make a 78-acre island the USA’s primary trade partner, but it’s that genius business acumen that will lead him to a historic third term.”

Elon Musk was reportedly advising President Trump to place the next round of tariffs on the mothers of his fourteen children.

Guy Who Wrote Title for PornHub Upload Clearly Going Through Some Stuff

Posted on by Charles Bill

PHILADELPHIA — Frequent PornHub uploader Tyler Jones was clearly going through some stuff as evidenced by the title of his latest entry, confirmed masturbators nationwide.

“I was browsing for something to beat my meat to, and I came across this really curious title,” explained pornography connoisseur Patrick Adams. “The video was called ‘Dirty Whore Cucks Her Pathetic Boyfriend Who Has Done Nothing But Love Her And Provide For Her, and Co-Sign A Loan So She Can Buy A Ford Fiesta.’ I cranked my hog to it of course, but I was feeling a little weird about it. I checked out the comments, and the poster was really active in there. For instance, he posted a lot of comments about how love is a lie and we all die alone. Really put a damper on my afterglow.”

Although the video quickly gained views, the uploader himself did not seem to revel in his pornographic success.

“Women don’t care about anything except money and looks,” said Jones, who had clearly been crying. “They’ll just use you up, make you take them to the Cheesecake Factory, and never offer to pay, even when they get the herb crusted filet mignon. Sure, I don’t mind paying, but then we have to go out and see ‘Wicked’ in theaters? Again? Hopefully this video helps to show horny dudes from around the world that women aren’t worth it. They just take, and take, and then you find out that they’re sleeping with your best friend Kyle. I miss you so much Jessica. I’m so sorry.”

The phenomenon of pornography titles revealing elements of the uploader’s psyche is one that has existed as long as erotic art has.

“Porn has always been a window into the soul of the creator,” stated pornography historian and clinical psychologist Dr. Helga Stein. “The original title of ‘Deep Throat’ was ‘Even Though This Woman Is So Good At Sucking Dick, It Doesn’t Mean She Is Happy,’ but it didn’t test well with audiences so they cut it down. Even the paleolithic fertility icon, the Venus of Willendorf, included an inscription that archaeologists recently translated as ‘Please don’t take the kids Grunka Thump.’ Carbon dating revealed that she did, in fact, take the kids.”

At press time, Jones was uploading another video to PornHub, the title of which was an impassioned plea for everyone to get a prenuptial agreement.

5 Easy Weeknight Meals That Are All Just a Whole Rotisserie Chicken With No Utensils

Posted on by Violet Meeker

Weeknights are busy. You come home after a long and hellish day of being told what to do by people you don’t respect…and now your stomach is rumbling? Perfect. Time to figure out what will fuel you for the next depression-riddled maze we call “tomorrow.”

Let’s be honest, the only thing that sounds appetizing lately is the idea of clawing your own eyeballs out and popping them like gushers while you sob blood. That’s why this meal plan is magic! See below for some easy AND appetizing dinners you won’t want to miss.

Bon appetit!

Below you’ll find an accompanying shopping list you shouldn’t share with anyone else:

– 5 Whole Rotisserie Chickens
– Absolutely 0 (zero) utensils
– 1 unhealed heart

WEEKDAY MEAL PLAN:

Monday: A historically horrible day of the week deserves nothing short of a carnal experience. Dive into one of those…how many days old? No – it doesn’t matter – chickens until you’re sucking the smallest bone dry.

Tuesday: Another case of the terrible Tuesdays? Why make it harder? Just use your hands to decimate a whole entire rotisserie chicken you got at Walmart.

Wednesday: It’s Hump Day, isn’t it? Why not get off while you eat a whole-ass rotisserie chicken and watch Traitors? It’s not not fun.

Thursday: You’re so close – Why stop now? Grab one of those hens, dress it up, and kiss it before ripping her apart.

Friday: More like FriYAY! You deserve a big meal after all your hard work. You know what? Probably best if you don’t start thinking about what you do and do not deserve. For now, it’s time for you to go absolutely HAM on a whole entire fowl eaten with just your hands and no utensils.

I can’t help but come back to this time and time again, no matter how much my loved ones beg me not to. I can guarantee that once you experience ravaging a carcass it will become both your greatest joy, as well as your greatest point of shame. And isn’t tha the most appetizing combo of all?

Tattoo Artist Starting to Suspect Client Just Coming in to Get Back Shaved

Posted on by Matt Husser

EUGENE, Ore. — Tattoo artist Joe Brennan reportedly began to suspect his longtime client was just coming in to get his back shaved after the man left repeated sessions early, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been working on Tom’s back piece for the last three years, but I’m beginning to think he’s just in it for the pre-tattoo shave—he even started bringing in his own lavender-scented sensitive skin shaving cream,” said Brennan, wiping up a tumbleweed of back hair from the shop floor. “It takes like an hour to hack through the fucking rainforest on his back, and then he bails after five minutes of tattooing. He’s paying my hourly rate so it’s not a total loss, but I just hope this isn’t some weird fetish thing.”

Tom Papadopoulos denied any wrongdoing, arguing that he simply liked to take his time completing his back piece.

“I have no idea what Joe is talking about, I just prefer to book my back piece appointments in five-minute sessions once a month, or sometimes twice if I have a really big Hinge date,” said Papadopoulos, applying aftershave to his back. “That green soap they always use irritates my skin, so I prefer to pamper myself with something a little more delicate. Besides, it’s not my fault that the only thing my deadbeat Dad left me was a hereditary shag carpet on my back that I can’t reach by myself.”

As word spread around town, fellow tattoo artist Bucky Clarke reported that his suspicions about his former client were finally confirmed.

“Wait a minute—that hairy guy that brings his own lotions and balms, comes in for five minute sessions, always asks if he can light a candle? That’s the guy that tried to get me to shave his ass!” shouted Clarke, recoiling from the memory. “I was doing a big piece on the back of his legs and he kept asking if I could shave a little higher. I must have shaved ten acres of brush before I finally caught on and kicked him out.”

At press time, Papadopoulos’ chiropractor was starting to suspect that he was only coming in for the free hugs.

Val Kilmer, Star of “Real Genius” and My Confusing Sex Dream, Dead at 65

Posted on by Dan Rice

Today, the entertainment world mourns the loss of one of its most polarizing but respected figures. Val Kilmer, star of such films as “Tombstone,” “The Doors,” and a series of sexually confusing dreams I keep having, has died of pneumonia at the age of 65.

Throughout his career, Kilmer’s unapologetic self-seriousness made him tedious but undeniably magnetic. His Batman movie is often derided, but no actor quite captured the complexity of Bruce Wayne like Kilmer. It’s hard to imagine anyone else as Jim Morrison. It’s outright impossible to envision any other actor walking in on a tryst I was having with my third grade math teacher Mrs. Hinterland and making snarky criticisms about my performance.

Like any genius of a craft, Kilmer could often be difficult to work with. Throughout his career he had highly publicized clashes with some of the top directors in Hollywood. His prima donna antics on the set of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” were legendary, and partially blamed for the film’s failure. The moment he realized his snarky taunts at my sexual prowess were arousing me, he started giving me the silent treatment. Still, the man’s work and the stains on my sheets speak for themselves.

Kilmer was that rare breed of actor whose choices made it impossible to take your eyes off of him. You never quite knew what he was going to do moment to moment. There was an irresistible danger to him, like when Iceman suddenly chomps at Maverick in “Top Gun,” or how all the sudden we would be on a boat, just me and him, the latter dressed as Mark Twain, slowly removing his prosthetics and then removing everything else, his toasted-chestnut skin soaking in the sun, my hungry eyes soaking in every inch of his immaculate body.

His attitude may have stunted his career. At one point it seemed he was on track to become a leading man on par with Tom Cruise, who is too short for me, but as his difficult reputation grew he found himself relegated to supporting roles, and eventually my homoerotic dreams shifted to Idris Elba. At the end of the day, however, it was that somewhat volatile streak that set his work apart and made it special, a fact that he fortunately seemed to come to terms with at the end of his life.

Rest in peace Val Kilmer. Whether we’re looking for a blockbuster film whose lead is unafraid of making strong choices or subconsciously coming to terms with the internalized shame of our latent bisexuality, you’ll always be our huckleberry.

DOGE Launches GoFundMe to Fund Purported Savings

Posted on by Holden Klym

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) launched a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the savings they claim to have already achieved, confirmed sources.

“We’ve been working around the clock for days, trying to get every taxpayer to donate. We’re recommending a minimum donation of $714.29 to match the exact amount we keep saying out loud. So far three people have donated. Only hundreds of millions more to go,” admitted Preston Stockwell, a 19-year old DOGE employee and college dropout. “If Musk finds out about this GoFundMe, he’ll either fire us all or bring his chainsaw to the office and start making puns about slashing government spending again. We just can’t risk it.”

Musk supporters tried their best to donate to the cause.

“I was kind of shocked to see a page titled ‘Make Savings Great Again’ asking me to donate my hard-earned money to create them,” stated Ivana Brayncel, a Republican mother. “My cousin Rod took a break from posting pictures of his baby holding his AK-47 to share the GoFundMe though, so I knew it must be important. I wish I could help them meet their goal of 11.5 billion dollars, but unfortunately I had just donated to a handful of family members’ hospital bills on their GoFundMe pages yesterday. I swear half of my paycheck goes to crowdfunding medical expenses.”

Musk, in his ketamine-fueled haze, repeatedly denied the non-existence of their purported savings.

“These savings are very real. Maybe even too real. A GoFundMe page would be less efficient, and that’s not what we’re about. We’re here to create transparency about where taxpayer dollars are going,” stated Musk while his eyes darted around the room as if independent from his body. “It’s embarrassing that Americans think so little of DOGE to make such a claim. The numbers are there on the website. For instance, you have no idea how much we saved by defunding humanitarian aid, veterans, and governmental transgender mice.”

At press time, the DOGE team also started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the Tesla stock that has been plummeting.