Season 4 of “The Bear” to Focus Entirely on Good Arch Supports

LOS ANGELES — “The Bear” showrunner Christopher Storer announced that Season 4 of the hit FX series will shift focus from high-stakes kitchen drama to a quieter, more insidious reality of chronic, all consuming joint pain and foot problems, confirmed sources.

“We’ve done the anxiety, the chaos, the substance abuse,” Storer said. “What we haven’t gotten into is the restaurant industry’s deep love affair with arch supports and compression socks. This season, we’re spotlighting back problems, plantar fasciitis — the true evil that no one is talking about. This is going to be the greatest test for Carmy. To maintain realism, Season 4 will feature episodes centered around Carmy’s worsening physical condition, including one that contains zero dialogue and is just him trying and failing to get out of bed and scrolling through Amazon reviews of Dr. Scholl’s and Hoka’s while taking pulls off of a bottle of ibuprofen.”

Lead actor Jeremy Allen White, who plays Carmy, prepared vigorously for the upcoming season.

“It was brutal,” said White. “I talked to line cooks and sous chefs who’ve been in agony for years. One guy said he hasn’t felt his left foot for a decade. There’s this scene where I’m just opening packages, trying on orthotics, and wincing. That was a real challenge as an actor — getting the wince just right. You know? I just tried to think of what it was like to be 35 with no real skills and knowing it’s too late to do something else. Like how FUCKED you are in this industry. Heh, I mean could you imagine?”

Early test audience scores were, at best, polarized.
“I loved the first few seasons — the yelling and the family tension,” said Juston Carley of Oneonta, NY. “But this? This was just… feet. Forty minutes of close-ups of the cooks rubbing their feet and groaning. Long sequences of them staring into the void, and muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ while stretching their hamstrings against a prep table. Other times just soaking their feet in epsom salts. Like, what did I just watch? I felt like I was in the room for something I wasn’t meant to see. I’ve had nightmares for weeks. I’m just not into this much feet, man”

As of press time, the season reportedly gained some notable fans, namely Quentin Tarantino, who is said to have watched one episode called “Arch Support” over a hundred times for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Opinion: Don’t Worry, We Can’t Have Re-Education Camps if We Weren’t Educated in the First Place

With growing concern surrounding misinformation, propaganda, and proposals of state-sanctioned “wellness camps,” Americans today are friggin’ scared. Are re-education camps in our future? Lolz, no. The most patriotic of Americans know that won’t happen, because we’ve never had like, education in the first place.

Our great nation was founded by people who refused to learn things. This is a group of sweaty-ass people who wore long sleeves and collared shirts in the summertime. These are fearless travelers who had never been to this land before, immediately dismissed any useful information from the people already living here, and instead started accusing each other of witchcraft.

There’s no limit to what our badass country hasn’t learned. And if there was a limit, we wouldn’t know how to measure it. The metric system, common core math, converting Fahrenheit to Celsius: We can’t do it, and we won’t try. Climate change isn’t real? Our weather isn’t changing? Cool, I guess. Or hot. We don’t know.

There is so much we Americans have proudly refused to learn, even in our own education system. And honestly, calling it an education system is pretty bold. You wanna rewrite history? You wanna keep history whitewashed? Whatever, man, USA never learned history other than Eli Whitney invented a type of gin, and Whitney kinda already looks like it has the word white in it if you glaze-read over it.

Teach us new doctrines? Gen Z can’t read, man. Don’t even think about throwing some fancy-ass word like doctrine at us.

We warm-blooded Americans refused to learn science past the parts of the cell that aren’t the mitochondria. That’s it. And that’s only because it’s the cell’s FREAKING POWERHOUSE, just like the good ol’ US of A is the POWERHOUSE OF THE WORLD. We can’t re-learn what hasn’t been taught, so don’t even think about re-teaching it, baby.

Remember, our best defense against re-education camps is to NEVER FORGET how much our country hates education. Only nerds enjoy being educated and only even BIGGER nerds would want to be educated AGAIN, right? It’s our patriotic right to refuse to learn anything, and any suggestion of RE-learning something simply un-American.

We hope you didn’t learn anything from this.

Touring Punk Band Cuts Transportation Costs 90% After Stealing Van From Costco Parking Lot

DAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking lot, onlookers have reported.

“The label signed the band contingent on us immediately going on tour to promote the album but none of us have a ride. I thought we were screwed until our usual band meeting in the Costco parking lot when we found the answer right in front of us, specifically this Ram ProMaster with the keys still in the ignition,” said Hurt Vonnegut frontman Eddie Cleaver. “Now that we have something to haul our gear and provide a place to sleep, we can buy more important stuff like more distortion pedals and beer. We’re already five shows and three states into the tour, so the investment has already paid for itself. I just wish it had better speakers.”

The van’s owner did not share Cleaver’s optimism.

“This is the fourth van I’ve had stolen by a punk band! What is it with these assholes and their obsession with making off with my work vehicles to tour the country? If they needed a tour van, they should’ve done it the honest way and saved up for one working at the Home Depot for 15 years until they give up on their dreams like I did,” said Bob Stillwater. “It feels like every time I leave Costco some patch-wearing little shits are tossing guitars into the back of my van as they peel out of the parking lot, just to play six dive bars and then ditch it behind a strip club in Michigan. I’m financially ruined!”

The band’s label head made it clear he has nothing to do with how touring acts procure their transportation.

“We’re not one of those big fancy labels like Sub Pop that can throw money around. We give every act around $1,000 and a fake license plate and tell them to make it work. So yeah, I’m well aware most of our touring bands’ rides are hot,” said Joe Diamond. “Hurt Vonnegut showed some real initiative to kick off the tour and keep us in the black. They have a bright future ahead of them, so long as nobody talks to the cops.”

As of press time, the band was able to reduce expenses further after stealing spare tires and gas from a Walmart auto center.

New Study Finds that Everything You Thought Was Three Years Ago Was Eight Years Ago

FLOYD KNOBS, Ind. — A new independent study revealed that basically anything you think happened around 2022, was probably closer to 2017, if not earlier.

“We can add this to the list of the great mysteries of science. I first hypothesized this peculiar phenomenon after purchasing a Fischer Price Corn Popper for my niece’s birthday, only to discover the toddler had been replaced by a third grader, which was weird because I just visited her not long ago, and the kid was totally a baby,” said horologist Jillian Ford. “What came before the Big Bang? How does anti-matter work? And how the hell has it been eight years since ‘Ozark’ debuted? I’ve studied the phenomenon of time exhaustively, and in my expert opinion, there’s no freakin’ way I’m in my mid-40s, and yet all data points to that being the case.”

Physicist John Demalti was skeptical of Ford’s claims at first, but has since come to realize we are indeed somehow living in the year 2025, a full one-quarter into the 21st century.

“It seems contradictory,” explained Demalti. “But despite the fact that Prince died just a few years ago, he also, apparently, died nearly a decade ago. It’s truly a Fermi Paradox-type situation. Another thing that may seem like a Mandela Effect is that, according to research, there was actually a four-year gap between Trump being president, though at this point it’s still a mystery as to who, if anyone, actually filled the position.”

Those outside of the scientific community were also shocked by this revelation, including electrician Allen “Skip” Malin.

“Call me a chronology snob, but honestly, I liked time better back when eight years could really change things,” said Malin. “I mean talk about shrinkflation. From 1992 to 2000, I went from playing with ninja turtles to starting college. I watched fashion change from glam, to grunge, to goth, to nu-metal. But from 2017 until now, I’m not sure I’ve even changed my sheets. And do people even dress differently than they did eight years ago? I guess it’s about time for us to start having 2010s nostalgia, but what does that even look like? Does fashion even change anymore?”

As of press time, the study also revealed that we, as a society, were somehow closer to 2055 than 1994.

How To Hold an Intervention for Your Straight Edge Friend’s Liquid Death Problem

Your straight edge loved one has become ensnared in the terrible trap of Liquid Death abuse and you can’t stand to see them like this. Their addiction has advanced to the point of drinking cans outside of hardcore shows, and they are now indulging before work, family activities, or even while driving. Here’s how to hold an intervention for your straight edge friend’s Liquid Death problem:

Step 1: Gather friends and loved ones who are equally annoyed by how much your friend talks about Liquid Death

The first step is admitting you have a problem. A problem with the amount they talk about Liquid Death, a canned water that’s allegedly from a mountain but is indistinguishable from a bathroom sink. You’re happy about their sobriety, but could they try being clean from talking about how counterculture drinking branded water is?

Step 2: Write personal letters about the ways in which Liquid Death consumption is ruining your relationship. Here’s a template you can use:

Dear (Loved One),
Your Liquid Death addiction has affected me in the following ways:

1) It’s impossible to talk to you when you’re drinking. Seriously, the incessant popping of cans is driving me insane. I have a show I’m trying to invite you to.

2) You know there’s regular water that does the same thing, right?

3) The booker says if I don’t have more than 2 people this time, we have to play the 4 pm slot.

4) Trust me, we already knew you were hardcore when you started speaking in tongues in the Underoath mosh pit. Your water choice doesn’t change that.

5) Could you at least throw away the cans in your truck? I need to borrow it to load in this weekend.

It’s important to use your letter to let them know you are coming from a place of love and not from a place of being a big, jealous hater. Seriously, you can’t let on that their ability to have fun while drinking flat tin-flavored water might be at the root of your complaining.

Step 3: Remove all Liquid Death from the premises until they detox with real water

This is crucial. They may have stashes of Liquid Death hidden in places no one would ever want to look, like their shredded underwear drawer or their bass case. Make sure they have a safe place to go through withdrawal where they won’t be a danger to themselves or others, so stay away from Guitar Centers.

Recovery: Keep them away from triggers: no hardcore music til they kick the can. And whatever you do, don’t let them find out about Topo Chico.

Girlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the Corner

MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.

“Eek! Those things disgust me,” disclosed a terrified Gagnon while holding up her dress and standing on the bed. “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to sleep now with that thing in the corner, especially while it’s making that weird buzzing sound at us. How didn’t I notice it before? I mean, look at the huge web it’s made already! Isn’t this how the guy from Slayer died? I ain’t goin’ out like that guy.”

Landlord Connor Walters confirmed that this wasn’t an isolated incident.

“Alright, I’ll spill, but let’s just keep this between us. There’s a bit of an infestation of Line 6 Spiders in the complex right now,” Walters frustratingly admitted. “This isn’t the first tenant that’s complained to me about them and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve done everything I can to get the apartments looking ready and appear functioning for new tenants. I’ve painted over a few during renovations but after seeing nest after nest made from rusty First Act cables I think it might be time to call in an expert.”

Lance Gerald, the exterminator on scene, provided some insight on these disgusting but misunderstood creatures.

“Spider phobias are quite common. This species, Acies Sex Aranea, better known as the Line 6 Spider are harmless although they can make a harsh screech when threatened,” said Gerald while loading up his exterminator equipment which included a slipper and a paper-back copy of “Old Yeller.” “These little buggers are quite prevalent in low income areas, I’ve got a couple in my house too. Sometimes I like to play with them but only when no one’s looking. Generally, it’s best to scoop them up and place them outside, but I’ve got a sledgehammer I’ve been wanting to try out.”

At the current moment, the very pregnant black widow spider living inside the Line 6 sure hopes no one hurts her beautiful home and harms her hundreds of babies.

Trump Signs Executive Order Demanding “Song of the South” be Reinstated at Splash Mountain

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order that required Disneyland to reopen Splash Mountain and “Song of The South” be restored to what he called its “beautiful heritage,” sources confirmed.

“The way that all-time classic has been treated by Disney is a disgrace,” Trump said during the signing of the order. ”People come up to me at my rallies, tears streaming down their face, can you believe, and they say, ‘Well, sir, the Democrats decided honoring Southern heritage was offensive so they replaced our beloved ‘Song of The South’ with Tiana’s ‘Bayou Adventure,’ and it’s just shameful. And you’ll never guess what happened when they did that. It closed down! You had all these people showing up to Disney going, ‘Who the hell is Tiana?’ and they just leave. They leave the park. If Disney doesn’t do the right thing I hate to think of what might happen to them. Once Pete Hegseth finishes drinking his lunch we’re going to discuss our military options because this is a disgrace.”

Disney representative Dianna Brooke was surprisingly on board with the order.

“President Trump made some excellent points in between his rants about ‘the radical left’ and how McDonald’s french fries use to be saltier than they are today,” said Brooke. “We plan to comply with the order fully as soon as we figured out what we did with all the parts from the Splash Mountain ride. After all, Southern heritage is something all Americans should be proud of and celebrate. It’s not about race. It’s about an infinite supply of free labor, which is an initiative Disney can get behind.”

Chief Strategist and aspiring cuckold Stephen Miller applauded Disney’s complicity.

“This marks a brave first step in denouncing the shameful smearing of the Confederacy by Disney, and President Trump and the entire administration congratulate them on their bravery,” Miller said. “The American people can rest easy knowing that the president is committed to renewing state rights and restoring order to our country. This is just the first of many steps the Trump administration will be taking. Next, he will be signing a follow-up order requiring Disney to bring back racist stereotypes in their cartoon characters. Discrimination and bigotry brought a lot of joy to children.”

At press time, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were being treated at the Disneyland medical center after drinking too much of the chemically treated water on Splash Mountain during the inaugural ride at its grand reopening.

Oh, You’re a Strokes Fan? Name Three Pitchfork Writers

You there. Yeah, you. I see you in that, ahem, “vintage” Strokes t-shirt, leaning against the wall in your ripped jeans and your Chuck Taylors. Hey hey hey. Take off those douche-y Wayfarers and look at me with those coked-out eyes of yours when I’m talking to you. At least you got the drug-habit part right. Good good good.

Anyhow, if you’re such a Strokes fan, name three Pitchfork writers. If you’re wearing that shirt, then you know Pitchfork loves their first two albums and hates every one that came after, because all of their records since then have been dogshit. Any Strokes fan worth their obscenely-expensive leather jacket knows their best record since Dubya’s first term is Albert Hammond Jr.’s Momentary Masters, because the band as a creative unit are more dysfunctional than my marriage.

So name some Pitchfork writers. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Lester Bangs? What decade do you think you’re in? Yeah, OK, I guess if you’re into post-punk and booger sugar, you probably think it’s 1978 or whatever. That said, Bangs is a porn-stached asshole who shit on Black Sabbath, the most coked-up band EVER, so fuck him.

Brent DiCrescenzo? That pretentious douche hasn’t been on Pitchfork’s staff in twenty years, which is probably for the best, since he spent more time overwriting than a CD-RW drive. That so-called review of “St. Anger?” He talked about ProTools snorting fire ants. Like, what the fuck does that even mean?

Name one current Pitchfork writer. Just one. You should at least be able to tell me who reviewed their first—and, obviously, best—album.

No no no, “The Modern Age” was their first EP. Their first LP was “Is This It.” Duh.

Give up? Pitchfork’s founder Ryan Schreiber wrote about “Is This It,” because of course he did. No one else was qualified to write about an album THAT cool, by a band THAT cool, on a site THAT cool — except for its insanely-cool founder. Schreiber’s so cool he left Pitchfork before it went downhill and became totally un-cool. Shit, he was probably wearing a Strokes shirt when he strutted out those doors one last time.

Anyway, got any coke I could buy off you?

Country Songwriter Has Totally New Angle on Dirt Roads, Cold Coors Light, and a Pretty Blonde Gal Whose Mama Raised Her Right

NASHVILLE — Country songwriting newcomer Bill “Ribeye” Jackson unveiled a new track that reportedly had completely inverted the dominant paradigm of down-home narratives about dirt roads, cold Coors Light, and pretty blonde gals whose mama raised ‘em right, confirmed sources.

“In the hands of lesser performers, dirt roads are just a simple stand-in for small town simplicity and the idea that communities with populations greater than 5,000 are weird and scary,” said Jackson. “But hoo boy, you’d better believe listeners are going to love my first hit about how the federal government ought to descend upon small towns to pave over those dirt roads in order to encourage commercial investment. No more four-wheelin’ and country cruisin’, boys. In my quaint fantasy world, the best way to connect with your rough-around-the-edges buddies involves non-profit social justice collectives and enjoying a few warm Coors Lights that have been sitting out in the sun for a while.”

Country performer Jeff McCoomb expressed enthusiasm for Jackson’s groundbreaking approach.

“All the bigshots who get radio play and platinum records these days just seem to want to chug cans of cheap domestic beer and drive out to the edge of town with their buddies. I don’t know if my esteemed colleagues know this, but impaired vehicle operation is illegal,” said McCoomb. “Well, after a nasty bidding war, my manager just bought the rights to Jackson’s newest song, which will provide an important corrective to such recklessness by telling the tale of a rowdy young man who does some serious soul-searching after downing a 12-pack, plowing into a family of four, and getting off with just probation because his daddy plays poker with the local prosecutor.”

Record producer Jimmy “Ace” Brennan expressed similar approval of Jackson’s characterization of women.

“Instead of cowboy boots, Daisy Dukes, and an old checkered shirt tied just right to show what God gave her, the girl in Ribeye’s newest song wears a tastefully tailored business suit to prepare for her admissions interview at Oberlin. The song’s narrator will rethink his casual objectification of women when she comes home for Thanksgiving break and introduces him to the work of feminist academic luminaries like bell hooks and Joan Copjec,” said Brennan. “We all know that modern country music fans crave variety in their music, and a song like this will really challenge them to think about a new perspective on what women are capable of.”

At press time, Jackson was putting the finishing touches on a new track about how, although a very small percentage of folks on food and housing assistance might be working the system, a comprehensive social safety net is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.

Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin Laden

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011 by elite military forces, sources confirmed.

“We got him, well I got him. Because this was my idea, and it was a great idea I had, I’m not sure why nobody thought of this before me. Today all of America, and the world, can sleep a little bit better because we killed a really bad dude. Osama, sounds like the name of a president we used to have, is dead. America’s big beautiful bombs landed right on top of him and turned him into dust,” said Trump. “Some people, not very smart people, say he has been dead for over a decade. But that was part of the radical leftist lunatic Democrats’ plan to open up our borders so even more people could fly planes into towers. That’s what they want. Democrats were cheering in New Jersey when those planes hit.”

Trump supporter Darren Osgood was ecstatic when he heard the news.

“You see, I knew the government was lying when they said they killed him back in the day. We never even saw the body. If they actually killed him they should have put him on top of a truck and drove him around to every town in America so we could see that dead son of a bitch,” said Osgood. “But thankfully Trump used real bombs to vaporize that piece of crap. And I don’t want to hear any of these liberals whining and complaining about how this was an illegal strike that goes against American values. Think about the gas prices, those are probably going to be lower again, I think, and that’s what really matters.”

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard refuted the president’s claim.

“There is no evidence that Osama bin Laden was still alive, and there is certainly no evidence that he was in Iran trying to enrich uranium in order to make a nuclear weapon. These were targeted strikes on multiple facilitie,s and we tried to keep civilian casualties to a minimum,” said Gabbard. “That said, President Trump has now installed himself as the honorary leader of the new SEAL Team 6. He also said he plans on holding a celebration where he will present himself with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and a Purple Heart. While he’s doing that I’ve been smashing every mirror in a ten-mile radius because I can’t stand to look at myself anymore.”

At press time, Trump claimed he personally arrested bank robber, and Public Enemy Number One, John Dillinger, and plans to ship him to El Salvador.