DOGE Cuts Leave NOAA Unable to Warn Midwest Towns About Incoming Emo Bands

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OMAHA, Neb. — Recent budget cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration by the Trump Administration has rendered it unable to adequately warn Midwest towns of incoming emo bands, local government officials have confirmed.

“What are they thinking? They left us with like two people to monitor the entire Midwest’s early warning system for emo bands. This is the hotbed of third wave emo bands blowing through dive bars, and these towns are being left completely wide open to people forced to think about calling their high school exes,” said NOAA scientist Walter Hodgekins. “Now I’m working 12 hours a day trying to monitor developing emo bands across five states. Have any of those DOGE goons ever seen a county ravaged by six American Football knockoffs? People are going to die inside!”

DOGE staffers were adamant the cuts were necessary.

“I was brought in to find fraud and abuse, but more mostly to gut agencies this administration doesn’t give a shit about. We looked into it, and personally I don’t think the NOAA needs 20 people to monitor emo band tour dates and tour van movements. Not to mention how much it costs to maintain the warning sirens,” said DOGE employee Gavin Johnson. “Emo bands are going to come through those states regardless! Just look outside if you want to know if Brand New is coming towards you. The taxpayers should be grateful, because we single-handedly saved them $5,000 by cutting staff.”

Amateur emo band chasers were worried the cuts would have widespread ramifications.

“I chase bands for fun and to educate the public, but now it feels like my peers and I are the last line of defense between overly confessional misanthropes and unsuspecting small towns. We don’t have the same reach as NOAA’s warning system. This is a slippery slope to eliminating text alerts for solo acoustic tours. This is pure negligence,” said Macus Keller. “Rumor has it Elon’s goons are burying reports about the detrimental impact of shitty vocals and arpeggios in the heartland. And you can be sure as hell FEMA won’t lift a finger to help anyone at a basement show after reminiscing about their last breakup.”

As of press time, DOGE announced cuts to the NOAA office in Florida, leaving residents open to not receive communication about impending EDM festivals.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Just Unmatched Me on Tinder After I Sent Her an Unsolicited Dick Pic

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Nobody is completely honest while online dating. Some guys will fudge their height a couple inches or pretend to be more into reading than they actually are. So when I labeled myself a “moderate” to attract more chicks, I didn’t really think much of it. However, I soon got an idea of just how close-minded and dismissive these lefties are when the first woman I talked to unmatched me just because I sent her an unsolicited dick pick.

Unbelievable. So much for the tolerant left!

I thought these people were all about acceptance? Here I am, all ready to initiate some light-hearted debate about Israel or trans people in bathrooms (I can go on for hours on that second one), but the conversation comes to an abrupt halt just because I send a nude bathroom selfie while at half-mast? What’s that all about?

Honestly, these liberal women are just as bad as that bartender over at Ruby Tuesday who said she wasn’t flirting with me. Didn’t they get the message with the election back in November? It’s now OK to act like a man, thank God. That socialist cuck Biden is no longer in office, so we don’t have to walk on eggshells when it comes to hangin brain. Women like men who are assertive, and what’s more assertive than taking a snapshot of your pecs and abs along with your partially erect penis? I’d love to know.

President Trump’s only been back in office a few months, so I guess we just have to give it some more time before concepts like masculinity and locker room talk are acceptable again. In the meantime, these Democrats really need to lighten up. They did as much damage as they could over the past four years, but they need to learn their place and step aside so the men can take over again.

Ugh, and she was wearing a Chappel Roan shirt in one of her pictures, too. I didn’t even get to give her my great take on how that music is contributing to the feminization of our culture. I even wrote down what I was going to say in my Notes app. She would’ve loved it.

Oh well. Looks like I just matched with a barista with a septum piercing. Hopefully this one will go over better.

Friend With Upcoming Gig Suddenly Remembers That You Still Exist

Posted on by Sara Tabin

SALEM, Mass. — Your friend Jared Bunter finally reached out today to let you know about his band’s upcoming gig despite six months of radio silence prior to that point, sources report.

“Honestly, I’m mostly just relieved to hear he’s still alive,” you said. “I haven’t heard from Jared in like, half a year now. I assumed he was okay because the band’s Instagram’s updates included occasional photos of him, but you never know. He never responded to the last three memes I sent him and he didn’t show up at my birthday party. He didn’t even reply when I told him my father died. It’s whatever. His shows are fun. I sort of wish the venue wasn’t an hour away, but maybe I can catch a ride with someone and sleep in the car on the way home.”

Bunter, who invited you by texting you a flyer for the show, adding the personal touch of “can’t wait to see you!” with three sets of eye emojis, didn’t even seem to notice how much time elapsed between communication.

“It’s true, the Deltacat Kickbacks have a show this Thursday and we are going to be playing some really cool new songs,” Bunter explained. “The openers are amazing. They start at nine. Well, nine if everything goes to plan. So we should be on by 11:30 or so by the latest. I texted all of my closest friends, my family, the guys I met at a bar last weekend, my coworkers, and some of my mother’s coworkers. I’ve been a little MIA lately and I can’t wait to catch up with everyone there.”

Scene veteran Rachel Honquist, who has been attending her friends’ shows for decades, said your experience is par for the course.

“People in bands are busy. They have lives, sometimes jobs, occasionally families, and on top of all that they have to practice,” Honquist explained. “It’s normal for them to be unable to hang out on the regular or text you back despite being on their phone for eight hours a day. Or sometimes they just don’t like you. It could also be that. They’ll ask you to attend their show either way.”

At press time, Bunter had not responded to your text confirming you are excited about the concert and asking if he wants to get together for dinner next week.

Acoustic Guitar at Party Wired to Detonate When Capo Placed on Second Fret

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

STOWE, Vt. — Party attendees are on high alert after learning that the acoustic guitar on the premises has been wired to detonate if a capo is placed on the second fret, sources who would rather die than hear another shitty version of “Wonderwall” confirmed.

“After my last rager was ruined by yet another three-hour singalong, I decided that this is the only practical way to ensure that ‘Wonderwall’ is never played on my property ever again,” stated Kyle DiNatale while adjusting the straps on his kevlar-lined undershirt. “I don’t mind if any other song is played in the background, but ‘Wonderwall’ is such a party ruiner that I’m willing to shove a block of C-4 into the soundhole that will blow this entire shindig sky-high if a capo goes anywhere near the second fret.”

Self-proclaimed guitar whiz and tone deaf singer Matt Arnold is willing to find a workaround if it means he can serenade the crowd with his rendition of the iconic Oasis song without incident.

“Listen, I know that the thing’s primed to level an entire neighborhood, and I’ve experienced my share of controlled detonations in the past,” confirmed Arnold while sizing up the wiring job on the Martin acoustic sitting in the corner. “But there are variables to consider, like whether the explosive device is triggered by pitch to detonate when an open F# is strummed, or if Kyle simply has a motion sensor placed specifically on the second fret. The latter scenario can be rectified by tuning the guitar down half a step and placing a capo on the third fret. I reckon if I’m right, then we’re in the clear. If I’m wrong, just maybe I’ll go out in a blaze of glory like a Champagne Supernova in the sky.”

Local SWAT team captain Carl Stewart is prepared for business as usual after an anonymous tip from concerned partygoers.

“Honestly, I’m not too concerned with what is by all measures a standard Gallagher-class threat,” said Stewart while packing his go bag consisting of wire cutters and tuning forks. “There’s not much we can do because we can’t proactively show up at every single party that has an acoustic guitar on sight. At this point, as guitar bombs become more sophisticated, the problem will solve itself in just a few short years, collateral damage notwithstanding.”

At press time, DiNatale was spotted rigging the drum kit to prevent anybody from playing the fill from “In the Air Tonight.”

Now He’s Gone Too Far: Vladimir Putin Just Said “Diabolus in Musica” Is Slayer’s Best Album

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Few leaders are as internationally reviled as Russian president Vladimir Putin. Whether he’s unlawfully invading his neighboring countries or meddling in American elections, the 72-year-old autocrat has a way of drawing ire from the Western world. While, unfortunately, he has been embraced in recent years by the American right, his recent statement on a state-run Russian news network is something that every American can unequivocally reject.

Vladimir Putin just said “Diabolus in Musica” is Slayer’s best album. Now he has officially gone too far!

In an interview with Dmitry Kiselyov of RT, Putin revealed that, not only does he consider the 1998 album his favorite of Slayer’s catalog, but he has lamented that their brief foray into nu-metal with this effort was abandoned on all subsequent albums.

Unforgivable.

The sadistic gall of this maniacal tyrant knows no bounds. Has he no shame? How could one possibly listen to the murky chord structures and down-tuned guitars of this album and look upon it more favorably than “South of Heaven” or “Show No Mercy”? Naming literally any other derided work in their catalog could have been understood if not condoned, but with this take, the Soviet leader has crossed an unforgivable line. “God Hates Us All?” We disagree, but sure. “World Painted Blood?” We’d be open to his insight. But “Diabolus in Musica?” No. Never.

This whole ordeal is leading us to mistrust Putin, as such a statement couldn’t possibly have been made had he actually listened to Slayer’s entire discography. Is he even a fan? And if not, the lack of effort shown in him not even performing a cursory look at the band’s catalog is more telling to us than anything else he’s ever done. Any fledgling Slayer fan can just give “Reign in Blood” as a stock answer for their favorite Slayer album, but it takes a special type of monster to do what he did. Now we’re going to find ourselves second-guessing everything he says going forward.

We hope you’re boiling with rage as much as we are, dear reader, and are ready to mobilize and finally stand up to this bully. In the meantime, we’ve just heard North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has denounced all Dio-era Black Sabbath albums. This had better not be true.

Democrat Reflexively Replies “Stop” to Text From Friend Asking for Five Bucks

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LA CROSSE, Wis. — Local Democrat Kevin Forrester automatically responded “STOP” to a friend’s genuine request for financial help after months of conditioning, sources report.

“I feel bad, but I don’t see how I can be blamed for that,” Forrester said before instinctively texting “STOP” to a text regarding medical bills. “We’re coming off a crushing presidential election loss that may very well be the death knell of our democracy, and I’m still getting texts from Democrats asking for me to pitch in money. I live in a swing state. Last election season was just an onslaught of text messages every day. I tolerated it then because I knew how important defeating Trump was, but we lost. They’re still sending me text messages asking for money to do things like save NPR and support Democrats in special elections. As soon as I saw the text with ‘need just $5,’ I responded without even thinking.”

Forrester’s friend Chet Hafron was hurt by his actions.

“I’m not happy that I need to rely on my friends’ help, but I’m going through a tough time right now,” Hafron lamented. “I lost my manufacturing job as a direct result of Trump’s tariffs, and I just needed a couple bucks for gas so I could get to a job interview. Luckily, I sent out a few text messages, so I was able to fill up and get there, but Kevin’s response really brought me down. He and I have been friends since we were in kindergarten. I understand that he has to respond like that to several texts a day, but he should have taken the time to see the text was from me.”

Political scientist Sally Lodolla reacted to the situation.

“This is just another example of how the modern political climate is tearing people apart from one another,” Lodolla offered. “We’ve had Fox News, Facebook and Twitter pitting Americans against each other for years now, but I’m now starting to see the same thing happen with Democratic phone banking. Especially after such a gutting loss as last November, Democrats are wary of text messages asking for money, and it’s making them far less likely to help loved ones who sometimes need help. It’s extremely upsetting to see, so I guess we can look forward to not having elections anymore in a couple years.”

At press time, Forrester reflexively marked a message from his mother as Junk after she texted to tell him about her new phone number.

Trump Calls for Reparations for Families Who “Lost Their Workers” on Juneteenth

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families who “lost their workers.”

“Juneteenth, what even is that anyway? It’s not a real number, I know all the numbers. I can count higher than most of the math science guys. People at NASA come to me when they need someone to count really high. Sleepy Joe Biden doesn’t know how to count, and he just made up this day out of nowhere. Now all the big beautiful banks around the country are closed because he hates the economy so much,” said Trump. “Unfortunately, this holiday, and I use that term lightly, marks a time when everyday southern families who worked hard to build our 50 USA states, and we still might add Canada, lost all their workers. These people created jobs, they made America great, and a new addition to my Big Beautiful Bill will pay them reparations for all the workers they lost.”

Jasper Klay, a descendant of the owners of the largest “farm” in Texas from 1820 to exactly June 19, 1865, expressed appreciation for the president’s new stance on reparations.

“My family provided food and shelter for our workers at no extra charge. We took on that burden only for someone from the government to come along and kick all the workers out from under us. That trickled down through the generations, keeping us in poverty. We should be paid back, and it should be the aggressive northern Blue states that foot the bill,” Klay said from his home in an affluent suburb of Houston. “By the way, many of my family’s descendants are mixed white and Black—we’re not sure exactly how that happened—so to oppose Trump’s idea is actually racist. Besides, all my Black friends wonder why Juneteenth is even a holiday, since it was the Yankees who were pro-slavery anyway.”

Professor Amara Green, chair of the history department at the University of Texas at Austin, did not share Klay’s enthusiasm.

“What the hell is the president even talking about?” Green said. “The human beings working under chattel slavery had no say in what happened to their lives, their bodies, or their families. The slave operators—I refuse to call them owners, since no one can own another person—profited off of that misery. Making Juneteenth a federal holiday isn’t even the bare minimum to get started undoing the legacy of slavery. Reparations for white descendants of slave operators is basically endorsing the Confederacy, which by definition never wanted to Make America Great anyway.”

As of press time, Trump is personally offering a reparation of 10 percent discounts on purchases of $TRUMP cryptocurrency to “those proud, patriotic descendants who were treated so horribly.”

Kristi Noem Shoots DHS Watchdog in the Face

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem revealed that she shot a department watchdog in the face simply because she didn’t like them, Congressional aides have confirmed.

“I hated that Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties watchdog. I tried getting him to hunt down Hispanic people to ship off to El Salvador, but all he ever did was bitch at me about violating due process, so I took him with me to the Mexican border and I shot him. Sometimes workforce reduction is messy and ugly, get over it,” said Noem. “I hoped making him work alongside MAGA coworkers would help him calm down over me ignoring SCOTUS court orders but he clearly was untrainable, so I had to put two slugs in his head. Growing up, this is just how we took care of independent investigators who wouldn’t fall in line with the President’s agenda.”

Morale among the other OCRLC investigators was at an all time low after their coworker’s fate.

“I can’t believe she shot Hopper! All he did was recommend not using taxpayer money to buy ICE outfits for performative photo shoots, and the next day he’s face down in a gravel pit at the border. Sure, he had a big personality but when you’re in the business of ensuring human rights aren’t being violated you need to call out your superiors for not doing their jobs correctly,” said Jack Hendrickson. “She walks around our building with a hunting rifle over her shoulder, and if we complain about rounding up green card holders or forget to compliment her latest plastic surgery, she’ll ‘habeas corpus us into early retirement’ as she puts it.”

Delegates at the United Nations held an emergency meeting to discuss protecting vulnerable watchdogs.

“We have seen the crackdowns against watchdogs in declining republics across the world, and we encourage these governments to either comply with oversight agencies or relinquish their investigators to our ‘no kill’ facility where they can receive the care they need,” said French UN ambassador Jean Liville. “We know it’s hard for autocracies to coexist with people who only want to prevent their countries from sliding into fascist hellscapes, so we ask those leaders to let us rehome their watchdogs to countries that still value integrity and practice democracy.”

As of press time, Secretary Noem told the panel she wouldn’t shoot watchdogs going forward, opting to humanely euthanize them via gas chamber instead.

5 Other Scenes in “Point Break” That Would Be Better With a Beat-Down of Anthony Kiedis

Posted on by Henrik Persson

Perhaps overshadowed by “Terminator 2” at the time, “Point Break” is nevertheless regarded as a 1990s action classic, and the first big hit by Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow. But for all its strengths, “Point Break” is sorely lacking in one of the most important departments of any high-octane surfer dude action movie: scenes featuring Red Hot Chili Peppers’ frontman Anthony Kiedis getting beat up.

Sure, it had some, arguably more than most movies of the era, and that’s what makes “Point Break” stand the test of time. Unfortunately, Bigelow’s less-is-more approach to Keidis’s violence buried its importance, and by the time other filmmakers realized that seeing the RHCP frontman beaten to a pulp was the secret sauce that made this film endure, the insufferable actor had aged out of shit-kicked-out-of roles.

These are our top scenes that, while exciting, were ultimately missed opportunities at normalizing Keidis-violence in film:

1. Surfer Nazi fist fight

Yes, “Point Break” does feature one scene where Anthony Kiedis gets the shit kicked out of him. And yes, this is the single best thing about the film. As the nazi surfer gang square up on agent Johnny Utah, Bodhi steps in to turn the tide. All the Nazis then have their butts kicked, including the one played by Kiedis. While it’s always rewarding to see the world’s most annoying vocalist being brutally manhandled, we can’t help but feel it would have been even better with a few more minutes of Kiedis kicking.

2. Nazi HQ raid

Later in the film, as Johnny Utah starts to think the nazi surfers are the infamous ex-presidents bank robbers, he sets up a raid of their headquarters. Several of the nazi surfers are either killed or wounded in this great scene, and Anthony Kiedis’ character hilariously takes a gunshot to the foot. But why isn’t Kiedis shot in the other foot too? Or at least dragged outside and pummeled by the backup crew? Frankly, when you set up a potentially lethal lawn mower and don’t wind up shoving Anthony Kiedis into it head-first, you’ve made a dramaturgical error.

3. Night surf / love on the beach

In this scene, the undercover Utah makes love to Tyler on the beach, and they fall asleep in each other’s arms. Right here, as Johnny and Tyler kiss by the fire, things would have gone from great to god-tier if Bodhi and the rest of the gang had featured in the background, as black silhouettes, kicking the shit out of Anthony Kiedis, playfully imitating his vocals from “Blood Sugar Sex Magic” all the while.

4. Recounting Bodhi’s day

As Johnny Utah (spoiler alert) starts to suspect Bodhi of the robberies, he follows him around for a day. At some point here, it would have been nice to see at least a brief beatdown of Anthony Kiedis. Frankly, it would have added a compelling intrigue if Utah were to witness Bodhi beating Kiedis during his daily rounds and say to himself, “Maybe I was wrong, maybe Bodhi isn’t the bad guy, maybe he’s just a really solid dude.”

5. One last wave

As the film draws to a close, Johnny Utah finds Bodhi in stormy Australia. A fight ensues, and Utah eventually manages to handcuff himself to Bodhi. As local police arrive, Bodhi realizes the game’s up and asks Utah for one last favor: to let him go out into the stormy waters and (presumably) die on his own terms. Utah obliges, and Bodhi disappears into the sea. Here, as the film ends, is a missed opportunity. Instead of rolling the credits against a black background as usual, why not roll them over B-roll Johnny Utah rag dolling Anthony Kiedis? Or maybe a series of outtakes and bloopers from the film, all featuring Anthony Kiedis being slapped around, kicked, and beaten by the rest of the cast?

We can only speculate as to what impact increased Kiedis violence in “Point Break” would have had on ‘90s cinema, but one thing is for sure — it would NOT have been a waste of time.

Private University Brochure Touts Diversity of Nearby Prison

Posted on by Matt Husser

ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.

“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud to foster a diverse local community comprising many different ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and religions that our elite student body can safely observe at a healthy distance from Rockmore Federal Penitentiary,” said University Dean Herbert Kensington, showing off the campus brochure. “In fact, graduates from our school of criminal justice have gone on to send many of these prisoners to Rockmore, including a twenty-year bid our custodian Jorge’s nephew is serving—and it’s that familial, small town vibe that truly makes our beautiful campus such a special place to earn an education.”

Bournestown alumni Philip Newberry hoped the new brochure might help entice his son to attend his alma mater.

“Look at all these colorful ethnic characters on the brochure, Bradley! You know some of my fondest memories during college were meeting interesting exchange students from all over the world, and then hazing them mercilessly,” said Newberry, examining the brochure. “Maybe you shouldn’t haze the guys on the pamphlet though, all these students look jacked—they must have used all my donation money to build a new weight room. Oh and look, they added a culinary program! Wait, is that pizza made out of ramen and Slim Jims?”

Rockmore inmate Jack “Slim” Carson recalled the bizarre academic photoshoots that happen each year.

“Hey man, anything that gets me out of my cell for a couple hours is fine by me, but it is weird that they make us wear these college sweaters before taking pictures of us pretending to study and playing badminton and shit,” said Slim, sitting in a chair while a makeup artist covers his face tattoos. “They could at least let us keep the books, but they’re trying to charge $300 for a used ‘Intro to Economics’ textbook. Ah fuck, here comes some more students from the Anthropology program trying to observe us in our ‘natural habitat’ for their dissertation.”

Dean Kensington later announced a new student-prisoner exchange program for anyone staging pro-Palestine protests on Bournestown campus grounds.