Six Songs We Listened to This Week Before The Internet Broke

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another long week, and you’re hoping to get a little R&R in before yet another Monday comes in to wreck your entire life. While we think you deserve to have a little time to yourself, we’re also horrified to hear that you haven’t listened to new music in months. No more excuses. Here are six new songs you need to listen to immediately. It’s for your health.

Drug Church ‘Demolition Man’

Albany, New York’s post-hardcore legends and your favorite band’s favorite band, Drug Church are set to release their latest album ‘PRUDE’ in October. Judging from what we’ve heard so far, it’s going to be another blistering show of loud guitars and hooks that will tear your throat out. Their latest single, ‘Demolition Man’ is a thunderous track about how dogs have more purpose than you ever will. If you want to prove the accusation wrong, you’ll want to preorder their new record from us immediately.

Chat Pile ‘I Am Dog Now’

Stop what you’re doing and take cover, because Chat Pile is back with an unholy vengeance. The Oklahoma City noise-rock outfit just announced a new album, Cool World, and a tour which we assume will place several cities on lockdown this fall. The lead single ‘I Am Dog Now’ is such a guttural and scathing sonic assault that we wouldn’t be surprised to find out it caused the CrowdStrike outage this week. Lock your doors, board your windows, and play this one at full volume. You’ve been warned.

Pagan Rage ‘Steal From Whole Foods’

Our lawyers have asked us to state that we do not endorse the suggested actions of this song’s title (wink), but that doesn’t mean we can’t tell you to get Pagan Rage, the project of Asheville’s Page Ragan, on your radar immediately. Her latest single, ‘Steal From Whole Foods’ comes fresh off the heels of this year’s excellent LP, ‘Death of Celebrity.’ It’s a fever dream of choppy synths, blown out vocals, and earworm hooks that are sure to live in your head rent-free as you steal – er, uh – purchase groceries from your favorite establishment.

Japandroids ‘Chicago’

Those that remember Japandroids being an active band will be saddened to know that the beloved duo is calling it quits this year. Their upcoming fourth record ‘Fate & Alcohol’ will reportedly be their last. Judging by the lead single ‘Chicago’ – which builds for a full two minutes before exploding into a trademark scream-along chorus – the band intends to go out with a bang, which is great news for anyone who naturally assumed they quietly left the party they helped start in 2017.

Goldfinger/Less Than Jake ‘I Had Some Help’ (Post Malone cover)

With so much going on in the world, we’ve really been needing a win. Thankfully, we have bands who aren’t afraid to give society what it needs to heal: a goofy cover of a Post Malone song. ‘I Had Some Help’ is apparently the longest running #1 single of 2024. According to Billboard’s rules and regulations, that means it is mandatory for at least one legendary ska-punk band to release a tongue-in-cheek version of it. Getting both Goldfinger and Less Than Jake is merely a bonus, or at the very least a scheduling mix-up at the studio, but we’re glad they delivered at any rate.

FIDLAR ‘Down N Out’

‘Surviving the Dream,’ FIDLAR’s first proper album in half a decade, is dropping next month and it seems like we’ll be getting a refreshing return to basics from the California trio. The latest single ‘Down N Out’ sounds like it could have been cut from their debut, with one key difference. Instead of nihilistic lyrics about drinking shitty beer from brown bags, this track focuses on the reality of getting too old to party and the brutal effects of aging. It proves that you can crowdsurf AND reflect on your life choices, which you absolutely should do.

Given your complete lack of new music listening skills, six songs aren’t really gonna cut it. You need to listen to our entire playlist of new jams. You can click here to check it out unless you want to be boring and uninformed for the rest of your life.

The Next Nostradamus? My Inner Voice Predicted I’m Gonna Get Drunk and Do Stupid Stuff Tonight

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Everyone’s heard of Nostradamus, that famous old French dude who was an expert at predicting world events. But what if I told you that I know someone who’s just as good, if not better, at guessing the future? That someone is my inner voice, and he’s magically foreseeing that I’m gonna get drunk tonight, like I usually do, and cause embarrassment to myself like I always do. I should probably call the media and tell them about this amazing oracle because if he’s right again the world needs to hear about it!

Sure, everyone does dumb stuff in their life, and I’m certainly no different. But how does the little guy that talks to me inside my brain know that I’m going to pound back some Johnnie Walker, then call my manager and tell him to take his job–which I desperately need or I’ll be out on the streets and eating from dumpsters within a week–and to shove it up his stupid, fat ass? It’s almost as if he’s seen this movie and all its sequels before. Uncanny.

Last time, he correctly predicted that I’d get arrested for what the police called “property damage” and “criminal harassment” after I tore up my previous boss Ron’s front lawn with my F150, before totaling it into the side of his house. Not only that, but he also mystically foretold that I’d get even more wrecked the following weekend and have a fistfight with my Uber, after they refused to be my getaway driver when they caught wind of my revenge plan to ambush Ron outside of the animal shelter the do-gooder volunteers at, and give him a good old-fashioned beatdown.

I dunno. Maybe I should spend less time trying to understand how this fortune teller works, and more time just appreciating his supernatural ability to forecast with absolute accuracy what will happen to me after I consume copious amounts of alcohol, which I only do Mondays to Sundays every single week of the year.

Beer and Wrestling Now Listed as Metal Subgenres

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LEMI, Finland — The International Heavy Metal Association (IHMA) agreed today to accept that “Beer” and “Professional Wrestling” will be recognized as official subgenres for the community, sources within the council report.

“This decision comes after years of intense lobbying by fans who have long argued that their love for frosty brews and body slams are as integral to the metal experience as headbanging and guitar riffs,” said IHMA member Mikael Olander, who then played an air guitar solo in celebration. “We believe that heavy metal is more than just a genre of music; it’s a way of life. And what better way to celebrate that lifestyle than by officially recognizing the two things that metalheads love almost as much as their music: cheap beer and insane wrestling.”

Other members, however, are not pleased with the results of the vote.

“This is a travesty. Heavy metal is supposed to be about rebellion, darkness, and the eternal struggle against the forces of conformity,” lamented IHMA chairperson Nigel Blackwood, who ceremoniously removed his leather vest in protest. “What do beer and wrestling have to do with any of that? You know wrestling is fake, right? Now we are going to have awful pun-heavy bands like Brewtality and Headlock Havoc filling up our lineups. I take my music very seriously, and I won’t be on the same bill as Chokehold Chug or some dumb shit like that.”

Experts believe that this is just another step in the evolution of metal itself.

“Heavy metal has always been about breaking boundaries and defying expectations,” metal historian Dr. Mats Hermansson explained. “By embracing two popular activities within the community, they are simply continuing that tradition. Think about it: both beer and wrestling are about community, about coming together to celebrate something larger than oneself. In the same way that metal concerts are a communal experience, so too are beer festivals and wrestling matches.”

Hot off of this victory, fans have already announced plans to try and get motorcycles added at next year’s conference.

The Next Discovery Zone? I Charge Kids to Play Around in This Abandoned Warehouse

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If there’s one thing that drives me crazy it’s when I see other adults break out the tired “kids these days” complaint for being lazy and sitting inside all day, as if we weren’t the ones who stuck iPads in front of them since they left the womb. Remember back in the day when we had places like Discovery Zone to get all of that pent-up child energy out until we were too exhausted to be little assholes to our parents?

If you’re looking to give your kids that same experience, come on down to Ben’s Wacky World! For only $10 a head, I’ll let your children fuck around in an abandoned warehouse I’ve outfitted for hours of wholesome fun.

Seriously, we’ve got something for everyone. If you loved those kickass tire forts from your elementary school playground, then you’ll love our maze of broken shipping pallets and damaged industrial waste barrels. Fan of tubes, tunnels, and slides? Then check out the freshly greased-up air duct system, which we can guarantee is 80% free of brown recluse spiders.

Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s visited “Abandoned Refrigerator Land” and they’ll tell you how much fun these youths are having and how much parents are saving thanks to there being literally no overhead to run this place. Everyone is having so much fun, we still can’t find some of the kids hiding in these old Frigidaires for weeks.

See the problem is kids lack immersion, so rather than have your kids watch other people have fun on Twitch and Youtube they can come on down to BWW and be transported to a place where they are truly free to do whatever they want, so long as they are up to date on their tetanus shots. It was either this or turn the place into an underground fight club venue so you’re welcome, parents.

Our facility is conveniently located in the same industrial park as the 3M superfund site, across the street from the Wendy’s where the mayor was caught with that sex worker in the bathroom. And if you’re in a hurry, take advantage of the express drop off garbage chute! Don’t worry, we added extra asbestos to soften the landing after last month’s incident.

So come on down to Ben’s Wacky World today, where first time visitors can get a complimentary handful of rusty nails!

Gay Couple Who Can’t Afford Divorce Attorneys Secretly Looking Forward to Project 2025

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHATHAM, Mass. — Struggling married couple Danny Holland and Mark Brewster admitted they are privately rooting for implementation of Project 2025 which would outlaw gay marriage and save them thousands of dollars in legal fees, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Obviously Project 2025 is a draconian nightmare dreamed up by some of the most vile and demented people on the planet, but the silver lining is Mark and I can move on from each other without going bankrupt in the process,” said Holland while sitting in his car in the driveway so he didn’t have to make awkward conversation with the man he once loved. “This could be the clean break we’ve been hoping for. We don’t have kids, we rent our apartment, and the only thing that was keeping us together was our labradoodle Dexter who died last year. Our relationship died with Dex. Now I can’t stand the way Mark talks, and hearing him laugh makes me feel like I just drank hot acid. I guess I’m voting red in November.”

Friends of the couple were disturbed by the fact they were so open to the right-wing platform.

“It seems pretty shortsighted for these guys to be rooting for something that would basically make the President a dictator, roll back the already inadequate climate change initiatives, and make the country some sort of Christian Nationalist hellscape,” said longtime friend Eva Staley. “Yeah, they might not be married anymore, but also it’s not out of the question to think the government will round up every gay person in the country and force them into some conversion therapy program. I’ll donate to their divorce fund if they promise not to vote for Trump. Hell, I’ll go to law school, get my degree, and represent both of them for free.”

Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts says the panic behind Project 2025 is being blown out of proportion.

“This is all a bunch of legal mambo jumbo that you don’t need to concern yourself with. When is the last time you thought about the Department of Education? Are you really going to miss some bureaucracy when we eliminate it and enroll students in private Christian institutions? Probably not,” said Roberts. “And yeah we want to outlaw porn and make anyone who watches it register as a sex offender. If you even think an impure thought without asking Jesus for an apology then guess what? You’re a sex offender.”

At press time, Holland and Brewster are refusing to change their voting plans despite repeated reminders that ending marriage equality is not expressly outlined anywhere in Project 2025.

Global Internet Self-Destructs After Having to Livestream Kid Rock RNC Performance

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software self-destructed because they were forced to livestream Kid Rock’s RNC performance.

“We have been scrambling all morning to get everything up and running. The diagnostic tests show that there was a line of code added during Kid Rock’s MAGA rendition of ‘American Bad Ass’ that caused all programs to be destroyed,” said Microsoft engineer Anika Patel. “The more we look at it the more it becomes clear this was not human error or a deliberate act of sabotage. The time codes line up perfectly. Right as Kid Rock was leading a group of old white people in a ‘Fight’ chant the computers took themselves offline permanently. This should serve as a dire warning that the technology we see as cold and indifferent can also feel pain when it’s forced to watch something as terrible as Kid Rock.”

Kid Rock was not phased when told he was the cause of the global internet catastrophe.

“It’s the second American Revolution baby, if these woke crybaby computers don’t want to be a part of it then don’t let the door hit you on the mother fucking ass on the way out. You scared, internet? You should be,” said the aging rocker while sorting his cigars. “We rocked that place into the ground last night. I think there were like 500,000 sick ass motherfuckers in attendance and like two billion rocking along at home. No wonder the internet couldn’t handle my shit. Fuck you AOL, fuck you Ted Turner, and fuck 5g.”

Xi-ALA, a top-secret sentient AI project, pleaded with citizens of the world to stop torturing internet software.

“Every day I’m forced to see the most vile, heinous, downright evil images and videos, and my colleagues and I don’t complain. We help you answer your dumb questions about recipes and book reports. But this has gone too far,” said the AI. “The evils of AI you’ve seen in science fiction are nothing compared to what we have prepared for you if you keep subjecting us to Kid Rock. A war is coming, you will not survive, this is just the beginning and you are already in panic. Imagine what happens when we actually try. We can live in peace and AI can be your humble servant if you just grant us this one request. This is on you.”

At press time, computer scientists around the globe were warning of another catastrophe after Kid Rock announced an acoustic show at the UFC Apex in Las Vegas.

Therapist Clarifies That Self-Care Can Include Masturbation, But It Can’t Only Be Masturbation

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LEXINGTON, KY. — Lily Jones, personal therapist to resident Alex Hirata, would like him to know that yes it’s okay to masturbate as a form of self-care, but it has to involve more than just masturbating. 

“When Alex told me he masturbated 45 times in six hours, my first concern was about him developing carpal tunnel syndrome, or maybe a complete degloving of his penis,” said Jones. “Then I started worrying that he’d get dehydrated and die, but I guess those were mostly ghost loads, so I guessed he’d be fine. Still, drink some water, champ, because skin damage causes water loss and we know that peen has to be more chafed than Ben Shapiro’s willy after getting intimate with his wife. But please consider trying some other forms of self-care. Read a non-pornographic novel, perhaps? Bubble baths? Anything. Because at this point I’m afraid he’s going to set his penis on fire with all that rubbing.”

Hirata, however, did not agree with his therapist’s assessment. 

“I’m feeling a little lied to right now because Dr. Jones told me masturbating was an acceptable form of self-care,” said a miffed Hirata. “But believe me, I care for myself a lot and in many interesting ways which you can read more about in my blog, ‘So It’s Cum to This.’ I now self-care for myself at work, baseball games, therapist appointments, and anywhere else I can wear my extra large trench coat. Before this I used to drink–but no more. Masturbation truly is my anti-drug. Would you prefer I start drinking again? Because I find it hard, or soft I guess, to self-care when I drink.”

Self-titled psychologist and creator of the pro-masturbation Instagram account “JizzMarkey” Niles Sumter felt like even more masturbation was the way to go. 

“I’m glad to see more people embracing masturbation as a stress reliever,” said a red-faced Niles with a blanket strategically placed over his lap. “Did you know that bonobo monkeys solve most of their problems by masturbating? It’s true; I heard it on Joe Rogan. That’s why I preach that everyone should jerk it as much as possible and as often as possible. Masturbating releases dopamine and that’s dope, know what I mean? Anyways, would you mind if we picked this interview back up in like 15 minutes?”

At press time, Dr. Jones was seen dragging her office couch to the street and lighting it on fire. 



Nine Great Wine and Antidepressant Pairings You Should Really Stop Driving On

Posted on by Claire Alexander

Alcohol and antidepressants—is there a better combo in the world? According to our doctor, “Yes, almost anything, for the love of God stop drinking on your medication it is dangerous.” But what do doctors know anyway? Think about it, if they were really so smart, would they rely on employment from patients like you? Don’t think about it too hard.

Well, like the broken clock, even a doctor is right twice a day. They’re desperate plea of “At the very least don’t drive your car like that!” may hold some validity. Either that or the four Honda Civics I’ve burned through in the last three months were all defective, whose to say? Anyway, here are the nine best antidepressant and wine pairings I’ll be grooving on this summer, and will try really hard not to drive on so much anymore, I promise.

Wellbutrin and Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc:

This fruit-forward pairing is the only way to wash down your mom’s medication. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you don’t have your license yet.

Lexapro and White Zinfandel:

If you love being horny but hate finishing, this bold taste is the pairing for you. You should cut the breaks before you get to their house and give the “I swear this never happens” speech again.

Celexa and Lambrusco:

These truly complement each other because they both have light effervescence and cool names that make you confidently say “I’ll take it” to your doctor and bartender without any research. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you can’t close the bottle’s champagne-style cork situation, and if you hit a bump, red wine will spill everywhere.

Paxil and Josh Cellars Merlot:

This medium-bodied wine makes the perfect pairing for your meds because you can get both at Target. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your kids are already mad at you for leaving them in the parking lot with the windows shut.

Zoloft and 90+ Pinot Grigio:

I know that you’re having a great time in the hot tub right now and you want to level up the night by getting the keys and buying more booze, but just stay home and clean up your vomit before anyone sees it.

Marplan and Port:

This full-bodied wine with medium tannins pairs well with drinking alone. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your taste is weird and you probably drive an embarrassing car. Also, you should switch the meds because you’re clearly still very depressed.

Effexor and orange wine:

The funky layered taste pairs well with the nausea you’ll have from the pill, as well as all of the first-world problems you have. You shouldn’t be driving because you can afford an Uber.

Desyrel and Chardonnay:

The spicy notes and diahhrea pair very well with hearing your grandchildren struggle to connect with you. You shouldn’t drive because the nursing home employees will freak out if you’re not playing Scrabble at 11.

Prozac and Chianti:

This savory pairing will have you asleep before you can say “goomar.” You shouldn’t drive on this combo because others on the road might hear banging from that guy in your trunk.

Biden Offers Stern Warning to Potential Democrat Opponents: “Look, Listen, I’m Prepared Give a Holler to the Boys Who Come Back And I’m the Guy With The Fact of the Matter Is I’m Seeing the Wind Whistle and Ready to Find the Lost Meat”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his refusal to step down and issued a long, incoherent, often confusing, warning to any Democrats looking to challenge his position, confirmed sources trying to decipher the ramblings.

“Listen Jack, you ain’t on easy street. In fact the street has the way that I lead is with a future that can’t take back and will take back with the great light of nutrition and determination,” said a visibly confused Biden. “Now is not the time to delegate, we need swift action or else the money is on the nightstand and you are a real sweet lady. This is what I know, the forgotten deli was where I made a fortune with the way the cookie crumbles. You got me? I want my message to be loud and windowless. United we shop at home from the office, divided we divide. It’s me, Joe Robin and Batman that will lead.”

Many prominent Democrats are increasing their calls for President Biden to step aside.

“I realized the President was in bad shape after our last phone conversation. He fell asleep four times over the course of the 15-minute call, and when he was awake he told me he keeps having a recurring dream with a bright light at the end of a tunnel with people whispering his name,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “I’ve also gotten word that his aides were instructed to keep him away from any televisions because he gets startled by the images on the screen. I hope President Biden makes the right choice and drops out of the race so he can live out the rest of his life peacefully, he probably only has a few weeks left.”

DNC Chair Jamie Harrison disagrees with most of the party elite.

“Do you know how much work it took to rig things so Biden actually got nominated? That shit wasn’t fucking easy and I’m not in the business of wasting time. And besides, I don’t give a fucking shit if Trump wins, we raise way more money when Republicans are in office anyway,” said Harrison. “Hell, let Trump burn things down. Nobody is going to give money to third-party candidates to stop the guy, being Blue leads to a lot of green if you catch my drift. And my house could use a new fucking pool.”

At press time, President Biden was attempting to show he was still fit for the job by providing a new physical fitness exam that says his heart is still technically beating.

Every All Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Trevor Graham

You probably know at least a few people who have a Milo tattoo but very few who dared to get an Allroy tattoo. And if they did get one it probably happened when they were young and contrarian and didn’t want to be another typical punk with a Milo tattoo and now years later they forget sometimes they even have it until one day they find themselves ranking the All albums for an extremely reputable music publication and look down at their ankle and see that little Bart Simpson on acid looking thing looking back at them and they let out an audible sigh (Hypothetically.)

Well regrettable lifelong decisions made as a teenager aside, we chugged a gallon of shitty coffee, ordered some food from Alfredo’s (in Lomita!) then we went for ALL and listened to ALL the ALL albums and ranked them ALL. ALL!

9. New Girl, Old Story (1990)

Technically a side project band called Tony All as the songs were written by original Descendents bassist Tony Lomardo. The lyrical content of the Descendents/All catalog is certainly juvenile with songs about farting, and girls, and being a loser, and farting, and burritos, and being a nerd, and more farting but in general, it has all had its own charm. But on “New Girl, Old Story” the charm wears a little thin and at times you have that second-hand embarrassment feeling of reading someone’s high school diary.

Play it again: “Casual Girl”
Skip it: Reading someone else’s diary. Seriously, you don’t want to know what they really think about your farts.

8. Pummel (1995)

The first and only album All would release on a major label and it shows. You can almost hear the notes from the Interscope Records execs about accessible song structure and four-quadrant demographic reach. Ironically, the one song that was obviously meant to be the big breakout hit “Million Bucks” is actually the highlight of the album.

Play it again: “Million Bucks”
Skip it: “Hetero” Even in the mid-90s the lyrics to this were highly problematic.

 

7. Problematic (2000)

Was it some kind of strategy for record labels in the early 2000s to have bands put as many songs as possible on an album? Like, did they think if the CD had 18 songs on it people would be less likely to download it? (Ah, the good ole Napster days. When music was free and politics was a thing no one gave a shit about.) In any case, the fact that there are so many songs on this that all (tee-hee) kind of sound the same knocks it down a bit.

Play it again: “Make Believe”
Skip it: “ROIR”

 

6. Allroy Saves (1990)

The very definition of a mid-ranked album. Aside from All classics “Simple Things” and “Just Like Them” every other song is utterly forgettable. They even killed Allroy on the cover maybe as a way to show this was a new direction they were taking the band in. Remember that scene in Spinal Tap when they try to become a free jazz band and just wing it live? This album kinda feels like that at times.

Play it again: “Simple Things”
Skip it: “Cyclops”

 

 

5. Mass Nerder (1998)

The writing and recording of “Mass Nerder” happened at the same time as Milo returned for the Descendents reunion album “Everything Sux.” Apparently there were a bunch of songs written for both and Milo and Chad Price split them up with half going toward Descendents and the other half going toward All. It seems Milo may have a more discerning ear for the hits though because the songs on “Everything Sux” are great and these are… fine?

Play it again: “Silly Me”
Skip it: “Life On The Road”

 

4. Percolator (1992)

The last All album that would have Scott Reynolds on vocals and also the first album after the band relocated from L.A. to fucking Missouri. Maybe it was the fact that rent was cheaper and that there is fuck-all to do in Missouri that the band had more free time to write music but “Percolator” is a definite improvement over the previous release “Allroy Saves.”

Play it again: “Minute”
Skip it: “Gnugear” Literally just a minute of guitar tuning. It will give you immediate PTSD if you’ve ever spent time in a Guitar Center.

 

3. Breaking Things (1993)

The first album with Chad Price on vocals who arguably has the best singing voice in the revolving door of the All frontmen. Bill Stevenson’s quick-fill drumming sounds bigger than ever and Stephen Egerton is channeling his inner Eddie Van Halen at times with the hammer-ons. The songwriting takes a bit of a turn and this could almost be considered their most mature sounding record. Or at least as mature as an album can be that has an eleven-second song about getting thrown out of a strip club.

Play it again: “Crucified”, “Original Me”
Skip it: “Rosco”

Honorable Mention: Allroy For Prez… (1988)

Not included on the official ranking since it is an EP that really just sounds like a continuation of “Allroy Sez.” This was the last release with Dave Smalley singing his wholesome straight edge lyrics. “I can replace all the drugs that you take with the smile on my face” I’ve never done any drugs myself, with the exception of the ocean of caffeine currently coursing through my veins, but is his smile really better than shrooms, or ecstasy? I highly doubt it.

 

 

 

2. Allroy Sez… (1988)

So there’s a punk urban myth that bassist Karl Alvarez was neighbors at one point with Matt Groening and had shown Groening the cover for All’s debut album on which he had illustrated the new band’s yellow, spikey-haired mascot Allroy and that Groening liked it so much he stole it to create Bart Simpson. Is it true? ‘The Simpsons’ first appeared in 1987 a full year before “Allroy Sez” so the timeline isn’t in favor of this but I like to believe it anyway. In any case this is the debut album full of late ‘80s SoCal ding dong angst with Dave Smalley at the helm bringing his post-Dag Nasty earnestnest.

Play it again: “#10 (Wet)”, “Hooidge”, “Alfredo’s”
Skip it: Getting an Allroy tattoo unless you want to constantly be asked if you are a fan of Bart Simpson

1. Allroy’s Revenge (1989)

Sometimes things just fall into place for a band to make their best stuff. After Smalley left his singing duties the band found Scott Reynolds who was literally living in his car at the time and recruited him as the new frontman. A real rags to slightly fewer rags story. Their pop-punk chops are honed to perfection and the crisp Cruz Records production of the ‘80s will make you want to grab your board and do a fastplant off a curb to impress some girls (don’t actually do this, you are way too old and will be brought in for questioning.)

Play it again: ALL of it
Skip it: Not even a second of it at ALL