Trump Brothers Beg Dad for a Slumber Party With the Tate Brothers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Trump brothers Don Jr. and Eric were witnessed throwing tantrums in the White House halls, insisting their father arrange a “totally awesome” slumber party with the Tate Brothers now that they’re back in Florida, confirmed sources.

“Papa goes to Florida all the time, it’s not fair!” cried Trump Jr. while taking a break from a pepperoni pizza Lunchable. “I have my sleeping bag ready to go, so does Eric. I’ve set up junk food stashes all around the White House. But they only get to see our candy hideouts by showing up, here, to an official Trump family slumber party, NDAs included. I love their videos so much. I want to whisper all of my secrets and rub their shiny foreheads for luck. I can’t wait until I get to touch a woman, maybe they know some!”

Donald Trump took to the Oval Office to order the play-date.

“This Executive Order I just signed demands the Tate brothers come over and have a slumber party with my boys, and I think they will,” said President Trump. “In fact, I know they will. We’ve wanted this for a long time, this is going to be great television. It’s a beautiful thing, ok? I don’t want to say anything about Eric and Donnie, but they can pick up some Tate masculinity, ok? I’m providing this sleepover with every ‘Entourage’ season on Blu-ray, plus a scary book about powerful women, which is better told under a Tesla-branded blanket with a MAGA-branded flashlight, available on whitehouse.gov.”

CNN political pundit Justine Hannover was forced to cover the sleepover.

“The slumber party livestream has revealed fascinating insights into the First Family’s home life. After hours of Playstation, Andrew and Tristan turned down Eric’s idea of a Pentagon scavenger hunt,” said Hannover. “A round of ‘Never Have I Ever’ with the Tate Brothers ended very quickly, with acts and descriptions mentioned that we can never actually air. However, Andrew was up for a midnight snack raid, insisting the Trump boys bring back raw meat and virgin Shirley Temples. Unfortunately, attempts at Monopoly ended in anger and confusion. Most of the evening was spent discussing crushes on their own staff and reminiscing about Maxim covers.”

At press time, the two sides made additional plans for a “big adventure camping trip.”

Reassuring: Deceased 38-Year-Old Referred to as “Young” on True Crime Podcast

Posted on by Dom Turek

Being in your late 30s can be challenging. You’re ten years too late and a thousand accomplishments short of joining the 27 club. You notice gray pubic hair, varicose veins, and find out Megan Thee Stallion is eight years younger than you. The worst part is realizing kids born in 2004 can legally drink in the same bars as you do. A sense of panic sets in when you realize life’s best years were wasted on younger, more ungrateful versions of yourself, but don’t fret.

While you were contemplating shopping for discount headstones on Temu amid your existential crisis, something glorious happened. The hosts of a popular true crime podcast just called a 38-year-old murder victim “young” and “attractive.” But wait, it gets better. The woman in question who suffered blunt force trauma, petechial hemorrhaging, and internal decapitation was also said to have had “her whole life in front of her.” I hope they’re not just saying that to be nice.

While the crime was unspeakably brutal, the description of the victim as “sprightly” and “naive” was a win for women everywhere in their mid to late 30s. It just goes to show that life doesn’t end at perimenopause, unless of course you run into the I-87 butcher and become the latest victim in a long string of grisly murders dating back to the 1980s.

Sure, it sounds brutal to die mercilessly at the hands of a sadistic serial killer, but we can take comfort in knowing how many people were touched by hearing someone of her big age referred to as “a young woman in the prime of her life.” I must have rewound that part 15 times. Hopefully, her friends, family, and the restless fragments of her tortured soul still earthbound to her murderer’s torture dungeon will see the silver lining in all of this.

The next time someone says you’re too old for an internship, a nose ring, or glitter eyeshadow, remind them about Sharon Kinney; the 38-year-old murder victim regarded as a “vivacious young woman” in some podcast circles. Let her death not be in vain, as she serves as a beacon of hope for those approaching 40 who would also like their desecrated corpses to be remembered as “spring chickens whose lives were cut short.”

New Bi-Partisan Bill Sets Aside Money to Train Out-of-Work Midwestern Farmers to Write Introspective Emo Songs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives passed an increasingly rare bi-partisan bill that will set aside money to train struggling farmers in the midwest to write generation-defining emo songs, sources confirmed.

“Unfortunately, a lot of family farms are struggling to keep up in an ever-changing world. We need to help these hard-working Americans prepare for the future, that is why I introduced legislation that would provide Fender guitars and Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Nano pedals, as well as eight weeks of guitar lessons to every midwestern farmer,” said Congresswoman Nikki Budzinski, a Democratic representative of the 13th district of Illinois. “We are hoping this will spark a second midwestern emo boom that will bring in more revenue from album sales, merch, and emo revival festivals with bands only playing songs they wrote 30 years ago.”

Dale Trubs, a 62-year-old soybean farmer in Dillsburg, Illinois, was excited about entering into the music business.

“I’ve been tending these feels for nearly five decades now. It’s honest work, but I’m ready for a change. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure about this emo music at first, but it’s not that different from some of the country tunes I love. It’s all about heartbreak, lost loves, and wishing you never got old,” said Trubs while trying on various sweaters. “I’ve got my old lady leaving angry voicemails on my phone as we speak. I’ll be able to use those in song intros once someone shows me how to check my messages. I just hope I can cut a demo in time to get a spot on one of the Warped Tour dates. That would be a dream come true.”

Vice President J.D. Vance, a native of Ohio, says he hopes President Trump vetoes the bill.

“Emo was a very popular genre of music when I was in high school, but it’s far from inclusive. I tried joining some emo club, I even brought some mix CDs with some of my favorite emo bands like Evanescence and Linkin Park, but the emo elite at my school laughed at me,” said the visibly angry Vice President. “And not a single person included me in their Myspace Top 8. There were times, and I’m not proud of this, when I would pay someone to include me, but they just took my money. So no, I don’t want the beautiful farmers of this country indoctrinated into a music scene that so violently mocked me even though I had the best scene makeup.”

At press time, the proposed bill passed after a giant tax cut for anyone making over $750,000 a year was added into the fine print.

Photo by Eric Schmuttenmaer.

Hardcore Entrepreneur Looking to Open Up Second Pit

Posted on by Devon Kay

SAN FRANCISCO — Local hardcore entrepreneur Jeremiah Tiff aimed to open up a second pit after the successful launch of his first one, confirmed sources who wondered if there were plans to have franchising rights in the future.

“I put the word ‘entrepreneur’ in my Instagram bio, and I don’t take that title lightly,” said Tiff while reading a book about productivity and simultaneously listening to a different audiobook about business development. “You need a growth mindset if you want to succeed in the startup mosh industry. My first pit just went public, so it’s time to expand and maximize the spin kicks. I think I’ve come up with a repeatable and scalable business model, and my five-year plan involves taking over the entire west coast of the United States. And might I add, I couldn’t have done this without the help of all those inspirational quotes I see on LinkedIn. It’s easily the best social media site for ambitious hardcore fans.”

Friends of Tiff were a little tired of his constant need to be successful.

“He keeps talking about how he wants to be the Elon Musk of mosh pits,” said Zack Halpern. “And you know what? He kind of is. His father was a self-made pit organizer, so Jeremiah had a headstart and has never had to worry about where his next two-step or windmill move is coming from. Not only that, but he just went on a podcast talking about how he wants to see more ‘masculine energy’ in the pit. On top of that, he envisions a future where we have same-day moshing capabilities. Sure, he’s innovative, but my god, can he be irritating. Just hang out and pick up change like the rest of us, dude.”

Aspiring CEO Craig Saunders believed this is just the start.

“Entrepreneurs see literally everything as a business opportunity,” said Saunders. “They want nothing more than to privatize mosh pits. Not to mention, they believe anyone can make a profit off of stage diving if it weren’t heavily regulated by the government. Heck, entrepreneurs are the ones that came up with the venue taking a generous cut of the merch sales during shows. Thanks to visionaries like us, we get to have more of your money. Unfortunately, there’s not much profit in opening bands. There’s no hope for them.

At press time, Tiff was already looking to hire a manager and entire staff for the second pit after it hit the ground running.

Photo by Forrest L Norvell

Opinion: In My Day, We Earned Our Positions the Traditional Way: Through Dad’s Fraternity

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

Having trouble breaking into the job market with just your skills and qualifications? That’s adorable. When I was young, we earned our positions the old-school way: through time-honored networks of privileged connections.

Look, I worked hard to be born into the right family. Do you know how difficult it was to choose both white and affluent parents who also belonged to the right country club? The odds are stacked against you. But through sheer determination and an unwavering commitment to emerging from the correct womb, I persevered.

Unlike these DEI hires, I earned my position through pure merit, specifically the merit of my father’s racquet club doubles partner being the hiring manager. Do you think it was easy remembering which fork to use at all those networking dinners? Try maintaining perfect posture while discussing yacht maintenance with your future boss’s wife.

The problem with today’s youth is they’re too focused on developing “actual skills” instead of cultivating the right connections. I don’t understand why people waste time getting better at things and perfecting their LinkedIn profiles when they could just have their dad text his Skull & Bones group chat. That’s how real networking works. Is it my fault that your father didn’t think to pledge the right fraternity in 1985?

And don’t get me started on these new “blind hiring processes.” How is anyone supposed to recognize your family name if they can’t see it? My grandfather didn’t donate an entire library wing just so his descendants would have to compete on merit alone.

Some might call it nepotism. I call it preserving traditional values, like the value of my father’s coastal manor in Cape Cod, where coincidentally, all our board meetings take place. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interview my son for an entry-level executive position. He’s uniquely qualified, having spent the last four years managing his trust fund and occasionally showing up to lectures at Wharton. That’s the kind of real-world experience you just can’t teach.

JD Vance Demands People Have More Babies So He Can Learn Where They Come From

Posted on by Lauren Grimaldi

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance once again shared his belief that Americans need to be having more babies, though sources say it’s become increasingly unclear that he doesn’t know how they’re made.

“We need to make America have babies again,” Vance said. “The president has directed Elon, and not me, but that’s totally fine, to find more money to fund storks across America from now on. I couldn’t be prouder to be part of this historic administration. More babies being born means more chances that there will finally be another human out there who thinks I’m normal and I fully support funding this critical service.”

Though Vance has been sharing his beliefs on the importance of procreation for years as a public figure, his obsession with people having babies has reportedly gone on even longer than that.

“Back when JD was a student here, he would often come to office hours and ask me what I thought were rather unsettling questions,” said Yale Law School Professor Seymour Smith. “I’m happy to help my students as much as I can, but I vividly remember him sitting down across from me to ask logistical questions about how the baby gets from God to the hospital and wondering what the tariff situation on that whole thing is.”

Elon Musk, ever the team player, has even reportedly offered guidance to JD on how babies are made by renting out his AI girlfriend to him for the day.

“I wish them many years of passionate keyboard tapping together, though I have to say, she’s kind of a total bitch sometimes, especially if my computer battery is running low,” Musk said. “She’s not the right fit for the mother of my 16th child, but maybe I’ll let her have the 22nd if she’s lucky. Either way, I hope she’ll teach him a thing or two so he’ll finally stop asking me and The Donmeister what sex is in every meeting.”

At press time, President Trump signed an Executive Order to direct all health and sex ed courses in schools across the country to teach “Hillbilly Elegy” as part of their curriculum.

Department of Education Replaced with Giant iPad Playing “Bluey”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LEBANON, Kan. — The Trump administration announced that the Department of Education has been wholly replaced by a giant iPad playing a constant stream of “Bluey” under recent federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“Your kid is going to like it. And if they don’t, there are plenty of other countries you can hightail it to, traitor,” shared 22-year-old DOGE representative Colt Bowerhaus in between asking ChatGPT what various government departments do. “Our education system is now a mile-high iPad in Lebanon, Kansas, the exact center of our nation. This allows everyone to flock to a central point, creating an equal opportunity those socialist dems could never achieve. Plus, it keeps education decisions away from coastal elites. ‘Bluey’ contains everything a developing child, pre-teen, even teenager needs, despite unfortunately not being a domestic product. Just look at me, I turned out perfectly.”

Parent Cindy Litchfeld, sipping a Budweiser while scrolling, is pleased with the development.

“It’s so much easier to check my Instagram with those kids glued to the mile-high ‘Bluey’ iPad, necks craned up to the sky. It’s like they’re talking with God! We just let them wander under the monolith’s shadow, following shade from morning to night until it’s bedtime, ” said Litchfield. “We’ve got high school coming up with my oldest, Trevor, and I know those college essays are gonna be a cakewalk with everyone writing about a family of Australian cattle dogs. I never really knew math to begin with, so it makes life a hell of a lot easier when they ask for homework help. Love the new curriculum. MLK, Lincoln, Dwight D. Reisenvelt? Blah blah, boring! How about Mom, Dad, Bluey, and Bingo. What more does a kid need?”

Covering America’s entire academic K-12 offering, education reporter Amber Jarraway visited the tablet.

“We saw teachers protesting outside the giant iPad, all now mysteriously disappeared. The children haven’t seemed to notice, still glued to the screen. They even ignore constant avian collisions with the display. What’s alarming is that historic events can now only be comprehended through this new prism,” said Jarraway. “Any discussion of 9/11 remains abstract, but if you make the airplane into a little Bluey with a propeller, crashing into two giant skyscraper Blueys, basic knowledge of the event is comprehended. Unless reinterpreted via this incredibly popular Aussie cartoon, it’s like our history never occurred.”

At press time, DOGE requested that the iPad intermittently play Tesla ads and historic pro-America newsreels, with a pop-up of Miss Rachel explaining what’s happening on screen.

Grindcore Drummer Assures Jealous Girlfriend That Being in a Band Has Yet to Result in Female Attention

Posted on by Chris Bratton

COTTAGE GROVE, Ore. — Local grindcore drummer Jermaine Anderson assured his girlfriend Tatiana Wayford that being in his band has yet to result in attention from women, confirmed sources who seconded that.

“There’s just something about the unrelenting blast beats and unintelligible vocals of the grindcore genre that repel women,” said Anderson while adding more blood to the band’s logo concept. “In fact, my last three girlfriends broke up with me after I showed them our demo. Our shows are 99% sweaty guys who are only there because their band goes on next. So yeah, we’re not exactly living in some sex-filled Mötley Crüe-esque orgy reality. In fact, our groupies are mainly just 20-year-old dudes who say ‘hell yeah’ to us after our set. If anything, I got a girlfriend in spite of being in a grindcore band.”

Wayford admits that she doesn’t quite believe her boyfriend.

“Are you trying to tell me that a man will go through all that trouble of learning an instrument, finding other guys to start a band with, and crafting actual songs, and he’s not using that to his sexual advantage? That can’t be the case,” said Wayford while going through Anderson’s phone and only seeing texts from the same three guys. “If I know anything about music it’s that the people who make it are perennially horny. Sure, Jermaine and I don’t even have sex but that’s mainly because I’ve been entirely too turned off after he told me his band name is Prix Fixe Amniotic Fluids. So gross.”

Experts noted a long track record of similar instances.

“It’s a common myth that guys in bands are having sex 24 hours a day,” said music historian Gwendolyn Dipper. “When you tell a prospective mate that you are in a band, it actually signals to them that you do not possess the desirable qualities in a partner, like mental stability or financial well-being. It’s actually a great way to weed out potential lovers. Let’s be real, no one has less sex in the universe than prog-rock bassists. Grindcore drummers are not far behind.”

At press time, the band was seen at a show almost getting the attention of a woman but it was only the bartender asking if they wanted another round of drinks.

I Became ‘California Sober’ Because I Don’t Enjoy Alcohol but Still Want To Talk About Me

Posted on by Amy Ash

Sure, most people occasionally unwind with a drink or go to happy hour after work but I’m on a very different journey than “most people.” I’ve never really enjoyed getting drunk like the masses, but I do like getting high, which is why I could not be prouder to announce that I have become “California sober.” It’s been a long road, but I am proud to say I have reached my sixth week of telling people about it.

Being “California sober” is a very special form of sobriety. It means you do not drink alcohol, but you do consume weed products. It’s become a useful term for the growing number of people who don’t drink but still want to have stressful memory gaps. I chose this path for the sake of health and holistic wellness and because it gives me so many opportunities to talk about me.

For instance, I like to vape weed cartridges and consume edibles because smoking flower makes my house smell bad, yet I still smoke cigarettes, which I think is very quirky of me. Kind of like my vape battery covered in incongruously cute stickers even though it’s used for weed: so random! It’s not every day you meet someone who does one recreational drug but not another, but here I am, pioneering a way of life.

I’m not ashamed to explain this to anyone – not you, not my podiatrist, not the mailman. And I hope to inspire others with my Instagram feed of expensive, boutique weed paraphernalia. People like me have turned away from blacking out as a form of mindless oblivion and chosen instead to merely forget what we were worried about, or saying, or thinking 12 seconds ago.

It hasn’t always been easy. You bring up quitting alcohol, and people think it’s an invitation to talk about how addiction has indelibly touched their lives and caused unspeakable pain to their loved ones. They think I want to hear them brag about how their own sobriety has saved their life and family. OK? But I thought we were in agreement that it was time to talk about something that’s interesting to everyone: me, and my journey here in the LA dispensary scene.

Despite this, I remain committed to the lifestyle, at least until I get really into microdosing something else while barefoot running.

Trump Gaining Momentum Among 9-Year-Olds Whose Parents Suck

Posted on by Jeff Bender

HAMDEN, Conn. — A new Quinnipiac University poll suggested that President Trump’s approval ratings hit an all-time high among nine-year-olds whose parents are total dogshit, scrupulous sources reported.

“Where were we four years ago? Starting down a devastating path of unmerited DEI initiatives, watching Ukraine attack Russia, and demanding President Biden to kill our babies,” said Winston Cruz, a fourth-grader at Edison Elementary and a member of the beading club, to what he calls his Juicebox Posse. “The woke mind virus is eating the United States from the inside, and King Trump is the only one who can successfully kill it. Meanwhile former Vice President Kama-LIES demanded only mental patients and convicts cross our border from Mexico. Sorry, America.”

Cruz’s teacher, Edward Peet, admitted he wasn’t very political but was really impressed with the nine-year-old’s retention.

“Especially since he’s shown no evidence of having completed a Language Arts assignment this year. He brags to his classmates about watching OAN all evening and morning and not doing the reading or studying for spelling quizzes. But somehow, I don’t know, he’s kind of a genius when it comes to the political spectrum or so he thinks,” said Peet. “I’ve been coming in five minutes early just so I can catch up on the news. I’m kind of afraid of him, and I really don’t want to meet his parents, so I just give him pluses on everything. By the way, he recently taught me that Barack Obama invented polio.”

Conservative political strategist Beth Hansen confirmed that reaching America’s nine-year-olds has been on the GOP agenda for the past 11 years but has only recently found traction thanks to the current “relatable” President.

“Kids in Republican homes generally know more about the political climate than anyone, seeing as Fox News is on 24 hours a day and their parents are rarely home or are mentally checked out,” said Hansen, who managed Governor Kasich’s 2016 campaign. “They often enter into a transactional relationship with their parents, supplying heavily biased ‘facts’ while the parents instill a general spirit of bigotry, fear, gossip, and overall disregard for reality. It’s clear that the 2028 election will be decided by our nation’s non-voters.”

At press time, Cruz was seen studying the week’s cafeteria menu and lamenting the absence of chicken corn dogs before saying “Thanks, Biden” to anyone within earshot.