Revised Project 2025 Memo Reveals Only Approved Birth Control “Watching Old Man Tongue Down an Ice Cream Cone”

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — A newly leaked Project 2025 memo revealed a recent revision that would restrict nearly all forms of birth control, with the only approved Godly exception being “watching an old man vigorously tongue down an ice cream cone,” sources confirmed.

“The Bible is explicitly clear about all forms of contraception being a sin, with one notable exception where a senior male member of the community is present while you attempt intercourse. He’ll then proceed to go biblical on an ice cream cone with his dry, swollen tongue, and if after witnessing this creamy tongue lashing you still wish to procreate, you have the Lord’s blessing to create new life,” said Project 2025 architect Russell Vought. “We used to keep a picture of my hero Henry Kissinger tongue-punching a froyo above our marital bed to keep us chaste, but nine kids later, well let’s just say he’s not the only one regularly orchestrating occupations where he’s not wanted.”

Local priest Bernard McCaffrey reportedly supports the near-total birth control ban, and reaffirmed his church’s commitment to the “Ice Cream Cone Exemption.”

“We understand that carnal temptation is a struggle for many young people, but our clergy is always here to help. If you don’t have access to an old man sloppily licking a vanilla ice cream cone while a little bit dribbles down his wrinkled chin, our congregation has numerous volunteers that are happy to provide assistance for your abstinence needs,” said McCaffrey, wiping rocky road from his jowls. “If I can stop just one young couple from engaging in premarital sin by looming over their bed while taking a half-melted drumstick to tongue town, I know I’ll have done my holy duty.”

Religious scholar Clarence Goodwright claimed that elder community members eating messy foods as a form of birth control has precedence in the Bible.

“You ever wonder why Adam and Eve spent all that time in the Garden of Eden and never copulated? There was a third old guy, Maurice, that was always hanging around. Of course ice cream wasn’t around at that time, but the texts would suggest that he’d just lick whipped honey off an apple all day to keep them from fornicating,” said Goodwright, blowing dust off an old parchment. “Turns out Maurice must have been the most legendary tongue merchant this side of Solomon and his 700 wives because he made that apple look too good, and Adam proceeded to take a whole darn bite and doom us for all eternity.”

At press time, Project 2025 released plans that would require a priest licking raspberry jam out of a jar present for any discussion between a woman and their healthcare provider about reproductive health.

Joke’s on Us! We Sat Down With Stryper to Interview Them Ironically and They Ended Up Converting Us to Christianity

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When we came upon the opportunity to interview Michael Sweet of the notorious Christian hair metal band Stryper, we all had a good laugh. Soon “Wouldn’t it be funny if we actually did that” evolved into “Fuck it, I’m responding!” and before we knew it we were all set for and scheduled for a completely ironic one-on-one. We felt cool, we felt above it all, and we were positive that this was going to be hilarious!

Unfortunately, that’s not how it ended up, because Christ works in mysterious ways yo. The interview resulted in us looking inward and making some pretty dope life changes. Check out our journey.

The Hard Times: Hey, Michael! We’re huuuuge fans of your music, so it’s super nice to meet you! How are you?

Michael Sweet: That’s awesome to hear! I’m doing great! How are you guys?

Oh, we’re fantastic! [snickering] Even better since we heard your new album “When We Were Kings.” It’s soooooo metal!

Oh, even after all these years it’s still amazing to hear when people like your music. It’s all I could’ve asked for, so thank you.

Yeah, [stifling laughter], Stryper is right up there with Judas Priest and Celtic Frost as one of the greats of eighties metal. You must hear that allll the time!

Heh, I don’t know about that, but I appreciate it. I’m just trying to spread His word through the language I know best, which is music. You know, I was completely lost before I was saved.

How so?

Oh, I was just wandering, you feel me? I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I used to approach everything with a smart-alecky attitude and make a lot of snide comments, but I think I was using humor as a defense mechanism because I was so aimless and angry at myself all the time.

[shifting uncomfortably] Yeah?

It wasn’t until I became Born Again that I realized my true potential and self-worth. I can’t tell you how unbelievable it felt to suddenly know I had a purpose in life.

And just like that, you didn’t feel so lost anymore?

[smiling] Just like that.

Wow, that actually sounds very nice. Too bad that’s not really an option for someone like me, a sinner.

She takes all kinds, friend. Tell you what, I’m heading to church just after this interview. You guys want to join me?

Eh… I don’t know man.

My church loves guests! Plus there are baked goods at the reception hour and the lemon bars are to die for!

Oh fuck, we love lemon bars!

There you have it. Those lemon bars were indeed incredible, but they led to something far sweeter—our eternal salvation. It’s certainly not how we expected the interview to end, but we’ve since been washed in the Blood of the Lamb, so it looks like this website is going to be a little less crass and low-brow going forward. Now we have to go back and rework all of the questions we’d prepared for our upcoming interview with Kevin Sorbo. He’s sort of like their Danzig.

Joanna Newsom Announces New Album Will Be Ready Just as Soon as Andy Samberg Finishes Adding Comedy Rap Verses to Every Song

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed folk musician Joanna Newsom recently announced that the long-awaited follow-up to her most recent studio album was nearing completion, pending the addition of comedic rap verses from her husband, actor and Lonely Island member, Andy Samberg.

“I understand my near-decade-long hiatus from recording has been difficult for devotees of immersive, mystical Americana, rich with compositional wonder but grounded by a human longing for meaning and connection,” said Newsom. “And I thank them for their patience as my beloved husband completes and records his uproarious yet insightful rap verses about topics including, but not limited to, getting pink eye because his best friend farted on his pillow, the Times Square Olive Garden, and how guys who are 5’10” are the short guys of tall guys. I trust they too will recognize the beauty of our shared artistic journey.”

Corinne Vogt, a fan of Newsom’s since seeing her at Bonnaroo in 2005, expressed confusion but cautious optimism about this change in direction.

“I was rather bewildered at first. And to be honest, I still kind of am,” Vogt said. “But I didn’t get a back tattoo of the ‘Ys’ artwork or name my children Emily and Esme because I have any doubts about her genius. And at worst, it’ll surely be a tapestry of emotions that absorbs my soul with a precise but patient grace. Oh, and I hope one of them sounds like ‘I’m on a Boat.’ I still know every word of that one. If not, I’d settle for a ‘Threw It on the Ground’ reference.”

Samberg has also spoken about the project, comparing it to his songwriting experiences with his longtime Lonely Island collaborators, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer.

“Jorma, Akiva, and I, we definitely do our best to make comedy hip-hop ideal for slotting into your playlist for when you wanna feel like you’re in college in 2009,” Samberg said. “But as meticulous as I was in the creation of ferocious bangers like ‘Dick in a Box’ and ‘Spring Break Anthem,’ figuring out how to align the impish manchild charm of my musical persona with my amazing wife’s enchanting harp glissandos has been an incredible but rewarding challenge that has reminded me why I fell in love with this art – and her – all over again.”

At press time, Newsom announced the album would also include a 15-minute expansion of her “most enduring” composition, “The Muppet Show Theme.”

Altoona McDonald’s 1-Star Reviews Shift From Complaints About Food to Complaints About Employees Being Class Traitors

Posted on by Bill Conway

ALTOONA, Pa. — A wave of 1-star Google reviews flooded a local McDonald’s location after an employee ratted out the suspected killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson earlier today, outraged sources confirmed.

“I do my best to monitor our reviews because my bonus depends largely on customer satisfaction metrics, and it’s looking like I’m screwed this year. Corporate is going to have my ass,” said McDonald’s General Manage Grace Winston. “Usually these reviews are about how bad the food was, or how long someone spent on the toilet after eating here. I can usually get people to delete them by offering up a few McFlurry coupons, but this is different. The reviews today are all about how one of my employees turned their back on the working class and that they should be ashamed of themselves for getting an American hero arrested. I actually agree with most of the people leaving reviews, my husband had a claim denied last year and we are paying over $60 thousand out of pocket because of corporate greed. So the employee who did this is on bathroom duty for the remainder of the time they work here, please come and ruin our toilets to teach them a lesson.”

At press time, the McDonald’s location desperately tried to restore good standing by announcing they will bring the McRib back.

Man Confident AI Won’t Take Job Of Pretending to Be Active on Teams All Day

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

AUSTIN, Texas — Local project manager Jason Butler is positive that advances in AI won’t threaten his employment, where he spends the majority of his day pretending to be active on Microsoft Teams, sources confirmed.

“Riddle me this. Could AI think of buying a mouse that moves my cursor for me while I go to Equinox’s Best Abs Ever class? No. That’s multitasking. Plus I went to Princeton where my dad’s charitable donations got me to graduate even though I only attended half my classes,” Butler asserted as he shoveled down overnight oats with one hand and scrolled vintage tee shirts on DePop with the other. “A lot of people ask me ‘What does a project manager even do’? I mean, isn’t it literally in the name? These people need to get a clue. Call me the Great Gatsby the way that Teams green light is always on. Wait. That was a good one, I gotta post that on BlueSky.”

However, insiders at Open AI revealed that they have been working on a hyper-specific Chatbot that may soon be able to replicate Butler’s work.

“We’ve actually developed an artificial intelligence model that imitates apathetic white collar workers down to the minute details,” revealed Open AI founder Sam Altman. “Just recently I asked it what it does for fun, and it said ‘I just really love going to the gym, house music, day drinking, and traveling. I went to Princeton.’ It even told us it’s emotionally unavailable and needs to focus on writing, completely unprompted. Watch what happens when we give it a Zyn.”

Missy Knowles, the human resources representative at Butler’s startup, explained why he was going to be let go.

“Here at DataSource, we really value optimizing workflow, and ensuring we are on the margin for our yearly and quarterly budget packages. We have unfortunately, due to budget restrictions, and the millions we padded our CEO’s bonus with, have had to make some difficult decisions this year,” Knowles said. “Off book? Jason just fucking sucks honestly. Whenever we ask him to do anything he says we’re not ‘respecting his boundaries’ and that we don’t ‘value his contributions’ when his job is literally sending one to two emails a day to make sure people meet their deadlines. Of course AI can do his fucking job.”

As of press time, Butler expressed wanting to find a career he was “really passionate about and that can’t be taken by AI. Like data entry, journalism, or comedy writing.”

Oh No: They’re Making Me Call the Pharmacy To Get a Refill of My Anxiety Meds

Posted on by Sidney Conant

As you begin down the path toward better mental health, it’s important to keep in mind that progress is not a steady slope. It’s normal to experience setbacks along your journey, and while no one is expecting you to be Superman or anything, there’s also nothing wrong with having an aversion to your own kind of Kryptonite, whatever that may be.

That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway, because, after a year of treating my social anxiety, my doctor has the nerve to say that I need to be the one to call the pharmacy to get a refill on my prescription. And I fucking hate talking on the phone.

Seriously, it’s bad enough opening up to my psychiatrist about how I started dreading what the cashier thought of me after I accidentally brought fourteen items into his “Ten Items or Fewer” lane at Ralphs that one time. Now I’m supposed to ring up Walgreens every time I need to get some more Prozac like this is the freaking 90s or something?

What, do computers that don’t have to hear how weird and annoying my voice sounds over the phone just not exist anymore?

I was doing so well, too. Last month, I was even able to do some bird watching at the park without having to fear what would happen if I ran into someone I knew from high school. I wish I was still that carefree, and now it feels like all of the progress I’ve made is slowly slipping away. All because my “therapist” thinks I should spend a couple of minutes of my time every few months getting the pharmacy on the horn. Why? So they can make fun of me for mispronouncing my own name like the absolute moron that they must think I am? Because I know that that’s exactly what they’re doing.

I even had to cancel on my best friend at the last minute this week for his birthday party at the local bowling alley. We got matching outfits and everything, but what if the neon bowtie and suspenders looked great on him but I ended up looking like a complete dweeb, making me the laughingstock of Gutter Ballz? I don’t think I could’ve handled that humiliation, which is totally real and not at all something based on some sort of alternate reality where the world revolves around making fun of me.

The pharmacy tried calling me this morning, but I was either in too much of a panic or too cured of my anxiety to answer it. So they left me a voicemail saying that I could expect my prescription to be delivered to my apartment instead, and I’d just need to sign for it and I’d be all set for the next year. But I’m not ready to talk to the mailman—what would he think of me?

Pre-Ordered LP Arrives in Record Time of 5 Months After Release Date

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Local record collector Sarah Rodriguez is elated that an LP she ordered a year in advance arrived to her by mail an astounding five months after its official release date, several audiophiles report.

“When my WarReemer vinyl arrived five months after it was released, and not 14 months like the last record I bought from Cleaver Records, I was totally stoked,” Rodriguez explained. “Though I was actually a little nervous to open it to be honest. I thought, ‘this could only possibly be a random anthrax attack or some sorta flat C4 explosive that’ll take out my entire block as soon as I open it.’ It was, in fact, my copy of ‘Excaliburt N’ Ernie.’ I’m glad they finally got their shit together over there.”

Victor Essex, owner and founder of Cleaver Records, says his label is stepping up its game in order to combat its shipping issues.

“We had applied every standard tactic in existence to get our customers’ pre-orders to them in a timely fashion, including everything from using hyper-intelligent exotic rare birds, plain old stupid boring birds such as carrier pigeons, and even using MH–6 Little Bird attack helicopters to hand deliver each order,” Essex stated. “Oddly enough, after abandoning birds altogether in exchange for traditional shipping methods like USPS, we’ve cut down our average delivery time from 2 years to 7 months after the release date. That’s why our unpaid interns get paid the big experience!”

Vinyl pressing plant operator Dennis Shillberg claims there’s more than just poor label management that can be blamed for some delays.

“You can blame record labels for late deliveries all you want, hell, you can even blame someone like me at the pressing plant. Someone who has a bachelor’s degree in English, but is instead a nobody button-pusher turning piles of goo into the 5th colored variant of a Taylor Swift record that will inevitably never hit a turntable,” Shillberg continued. “But I think it ultimately falls on the buyer who is just soooo eager to have their precious vinyl they have to order months in advance. Get Spotify like a real person. You’re not special. Fuck, I hate my job.”

At press time, Sarah Rodriguez claimed the WarReemer pre-order she anticipated so much was actually a factory defective LP that contained OMC’s “How Bizarre.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Make The Algorithm Forget Our Top Artist This Year Was Jellyroll For Some Reason

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by. Maybe you’ve spent it avoiding family members after ‘ruining Thanksgiving.’ Perhaps you’ve decided to concentrate your efforts into cramming all of your holiday shopping into one stress-inducing, insomnia-triggering week of extended Cyber Monday sales. One thing’s for sure though. You haven’t even begun to think about listening to new music. We’re here to change that by offering you six of the hottest new punk, indie, and emo tracks this capitalist hellscape has to offer. Enjoy!

The Men ‘Pony’

New York City garage-punk mainstays, the Men, announced a new album, ‘Buyer Beware,’ due out early next year. The announcement comes with the release of a new single, ‘Pony,’ which is unfortunately not a cover of the Ginuwine hit of the same name. It is, however, a full-throttle, dirt-ridden, certified ripper that wastes absolutely no time getting barreling straight into your throat.

Plastic Bitch ‘Paper Dolls’

Philadelphia’s Plastic Bitch is allegedly the only band in their locality in which every member has a 68” wingspan. That alone would be an impressive asset, but the music the trio is able to craft with those rather long arms vastly sweetens the pot. Their debut single, ‘Paper Dolls,’ jam-packed with dreamy harmonies, jangly as hell guitars, and a frenetic backbeat that threatens to detonate the whole track, is a monumental introduction if we’ve ever heard one.

Hot Mods ‘Nom Nom Nom’/‘Cat Burglar’

Hot Mods, the new collaborative project formed from UK acts Sleaford Mods and Hot Chip, have not only announced their newfound existence but also a new limited 7” single due out later this month. If you didn’t manage to get a pre-order in before it sold out, don’t worry. Both tracks, ‘Nom Nom Nom’ and ‘Car Burglar’ are streaming now. Supposedly written and recorded in a single session, the immediacy mixed with the clashing of both bands’ styles makes for a worthy spin.

Thursday ‘White Bikes’

In case your saddest yet most terrifying friend didn’t tell you, the Thursday renaissance is continuing unabated. Their latest track, ‘White Bikes,’ marks their second single since breaking a 13-year silence back in April. The release also coincides with the band’s 25th anniversary, which is a feat in and of itself. Dubbed as a ‘holiday gift’ from the band, the track is nostalgic, emotional, and filled to the brim with Thursday’s massive signature builds.

Anxious ‘Head & Spine’

Connecticut emo outfit, Anxious, will be releasing their highly anticipated album, ‘Bambi,’ in just a few short months. This week, we got a taste of what’s to come with the massive ‘Head & Spine.’ With an absolute monster of a backbeat layered with what we assume are about a thousand fuzzed out guitars, the track will send you straight back to the early aughts but without all the awkwardness you experienced during that time.

Help! I Went Back in Time and Murdered Baby Hitler, and Now Everybody’s Comparing Trump to Don Rickles Instead

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

It’s an age-old question—if you had a time machine, would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler? To me, it was always a no brainer. You get to stop Hitler AND kill a baby guilt-free? Sign me up! So once I completed my time machine and fired up the flux capacitor, that was the first thing I did. Unfortunately, it turns out that tampering with the fabric of reality is a lot more complicated than I thought.

I opened a wormhole, arrived naked (like in The Terminator) in 1889 Austria, and smashed that little fucker’s head in with a shovel without thinking twice. Not gonna lie, it was satisfying as hell, but now that I’ve had time to process what I’ve done, I see the true consequences of my actions. With no baby Hitler, and by extension, no grown-up Hitler, everybody’s saying that Trump is the next Don Rickles, the insult-master-turned-dictator who apparently rose to power in Hitler’s place.

Don Rickles, the beloved insult comic, quickly took over the world with his abrasive yet well-received sense of humor; he was loud, rude, and often made unprompted jokes about “The Blacks” that would even make Anthony Jeselnik blush. And don’t even get me started on his bit on “the gays” in public restrooms. Little did we know that his sharp tongue would eventually go on to influence national policy irreparably.

What started as a series of fat jokes quickly spiraled into long-winded rants about “building a wall” that was warmly received with a standing ovation at the annual U.N. Roast. Next thing you know, cattle cars started whipping across the continental U.S. for the “grand extermination” that we all thought was an elaborate bit at first. It didn’t take long for every American to find themselves standing in mile-long lines with bread vouchers while their youngest child was dying of the Rickets, which have been renamed “the Rickles.”

Instead of enthralling the masses with a quick Sieg Heil, now all Trump needs is a hot mic, a rimshot, and a casual admission of anti-semitism for the people in the back. Rickles ran so Trump could sprint. My god, what have I done?

We all laughed with Don Rickles when he was just another guy trying to be edgy on national television. On the living Hitler timeline, Rickles was bold and brash, but that was part of his charm. We all knew it was part of his shtick, so we let him get away with it. Without the fuhrer in the mix, however, I now know that we shouldn’t have. For my grave miscalculation, Donald Trump is now being referred to as “The Next Mr. Warm” by his cohorts with an affectionate sense of irony despite his countless crimes against humanity.

Say what you will about how big and bad Hitler was, he still couldn’t get away with insulting Sinatra.

The ‘ole Trump/Hitler comparison had legs when we still had it in our back pocket, but it’s no longer an option since I bashed in the baby fuhrer’s ribcage and buried him in a shallow, unmarked grave.

Without Hitler, our perception of evil has been forever altered. Turns out, if you eliminate one edgelord with a shitty comb-over, history will just replace him with another who’s primed for world domination so long as his audience is too afraid to stop laughing.

Bald Man Having Bad Skull Day

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

ABERDEEN, Wash. — Local bald man Louis Grayson woke up in disarray after it was clear he was having another bad skull day, confirmed sources who tried not to look directly at his scalp during conversation with him.

“I took a shower, blow-dried my skull, used some gel and hairspray, but nothing could hide the fact that my cranium looks like I just came off of a rollercoaster,” said Grayson while checking his appearance in a nearby store window. “Children are crying at the mere sight of me, old ladies are crossing the street the minute they notice it, and my friends refuse to be seen with me in public. No one ever talks about the pitfalls of male pattern baldness. We can’t all be Jason Statham, The Rock, or even Mr. Clean who wake up with perfectly precise noggins. Some of us are Lord Voldemorts with skull shapes that do the opposite of what we want that day. I don’t think I will ever visually recover from this.”

Friends of Grayson were sympathetic to his unfortunate circumstance.

“I totally get it. I have a bad ponytail day on a nearly weekly basis, at least that’s why I seemingly repel all women,” said Craig Benvers. “He kept blaming it on a cowlick, as if that made any sense. Then he said his barber messed up the head shave. This man is blaming everything but his own genetics. He needs to come to terms with the fact that he cannot leave the house on days like today. Bald men must not subject the general public to their gnarly heads.”

Experts had a few ideas to alleviate Grayson’s head issues.

“There are surprisingly some things a man can do if he’s having a bad skull day,” said stylist Joel Kramer. “For one, you can wear a wig. Sure, everyone will be able to tell, but bald men need to hide as much of their heads as humanly possible. When all else fails, we recommend the use of a fedora. No one will be focusing on your visibly unappealing hairless skull. They’ll be way more preoccupied with the fact that you look like an asshole, which is actually preferable to an objectively hideous cranium.”

At press time, Grayson was able to fix the issue by wearing a bald cap over his bald head.