Miss Murder Now Mrs. Murder-Harrison Following Marriage to Local Restaurateur

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

STOCKTON, Calif. — Local California woman and artistic muse Vanessa Murder, better known as “Miss Murder” from the AFI song of the same name, had changed her name to Mrs. Murder-Harrison, following her recent marriage to Adrian Harrison, proprietor of several restaurants in the area, confirmed sources who regularly post on the Ultimate-Guitar message board.

“I was into that whole ‘emo’ thing back in the day,” Murder-Harrison said. “And it’s beyond flattering to have inspired such a cool rock song, even if I wasn’t able to make the video shoot. But I knew that I was missing something, or rather someone, to share my heart with. That all changed the day I got lunch at Vivante and met the man who is now my husband. With our union, my name is not changed. Rather, our souls are intertwined.”

Calvin Scargill, an AFI fan who still had his original autographed CD copy of “Decemberunderground,” expressed confusion about hearing the news.

“Wait, she’s a real person?” Scargill said. “I mean, I guess it makes sense that someone real inspired that song. But I didn’t think it was someone whose actual name was ‘Miss Murder.’ And that’s actually her family name? Nobody thought maybe to change that for the sake of anonymity? Honestly, the whole mystique was dampened when I looked at her Instagram page and saw she’s marketing what’s basically a Swiffer but with all kinds of holistic bullshit sprinkled in. I thought she’d at least have a couple tattoos.”

AFI lead singer Davey Havok provided a little more backstory on Murder-Harrison.

“It probably doesn’t come as a surprise that I had a bit of a crush on her,” Havok said. “I remember when [AFI drummer] Adam [Carson] introduced me to her at a show in ‘04 and I said, without thinking, ‘Hey, Miss Murder’ and she blushed and rolled her eyes in the most adorable way. I didn’t want to come on too strong, but I figured an anthemic song with a catchy yet cryptic chorus and a screamed breakdown would be the perfect way to let her know how I feel. But then the song got so big and we just didn’t keep in touch. It’s fine. I’m sure she’s happy with this Adrian guy.”

At press time, AFI revealed their song “Girl’s Not Grey” and about 20 more tracks of theirs were also about Murder-Harrison.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Before Trump Signs Executive Order Stating All Music Must Feature Kid Rock

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hey buddy. You doin’ okay? Neither are we, but it’s fine, we guess. We won’t bore you with all of the existential ins and outs impacting the nation at the moment. Horrors abound all around, this we know all too well. It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Good news exists in increasingly small doses if you know where to look. For example: currently, at least, there is no mandate to include Kid Rock in every piece of recorded music. Of course, this is subject to change at any moment, so here are six new songs to listen to before they are irreparably harmed with the stroke of a pen.

Deafheaven ‘Magnolia’

Imagine waking up sobbing uncontrollably inside of a burning cathedral as a post-rock tsunami barrels through the stained glass. The song you’re likely hearing in this admittedly strange thought experiment is Deafheaven’s triumphant new single ‘Magnolia.’ It’s their first new music in four years and our staff has been so excited about the band’s return that we’ve had to put foam on all sharp corners, hide most of our silverware, and put the fire department on standby.

Saetia ‘Three Faces Past’

Remember when music used to make you feel things? Saetia does. Their latest single, ‘Three Faces Past’ continues their startling return after a 26 year absence. It’s a nostalgic blast from the emo past, complete with unintelligible screaming over guitars that sound like they were recorded inside a crumbling art school. The lyrics haven’t been released yet, so just yell along randomly and pretend it’s 1997 when things weren’t great, but certainly not as terrible as they are now.

Froglord ‘Herman’

Doom metal? Sludge? Psychedelic amphibian worship? Froglord defies classification and explanation. ‘Herman’ sounds like a wizard hotboxing a swamp while conjuring an ancient, riff-wielding toad to tell us the secrets of the universe. Heavy as hell, but also weirdly funky. If you don’t immediately grow a beard and start wearing a cloak after hearing this, check your pulse.

Tobacco City ‘Bougainvillea’

Tobacco City’s latest ‘Bougainvillea’ plays out like the soundtrack to a movie about a sentient denim jacket (our copyright is pending, so don’t even think about it). It cements the Chicago alt-country duo’s penchant for crafting slow-burners that feel like a sunset was injected into your bloodstream. Play this while staring wistfully into the distance with a toothpick in your mouth and pretending you know how to ride a horse.

Alex Orange Drink feat. Conor Oberst ‘Queen Victoria’

We’re pretty sure Alex Orange Drink teamed up with Conor Oberst on this track to remind us that we’re not depressed enough. ‘Queen Victoria’ is indie-folk-pop at its most concerning, a song that feels like eavesdropping on a conversation between two people who have definitely been kicked out of a Tim Horton’s for crying too loudly. It’s sludgy, catchy, and absolutely something you should put on when staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m.

Cryogeyser feat. Wednesday ‘Mountain’

The dreamy LA trio Cryogeyser have long muddled in the blended waters of shoegaze and indie rock. Their latest single, which features Wednesday, ups the ante quite a bit. ‘Mountain’ sounds like the feeling of finding a letter from your ex in an old winter coat. You know, the one you’re ‘totally over’ but still follow on Instagram for some reason. Not to get off the rails here, but you aren’t fooling anyone, much less yourself. No judgement, though. Just listen to the song.

Now that you’re keenly aware of how little time is left to listen to untainted music, you’re probably wondering where to find more. Fortunately, for you, we’ve created a playlist to collect these and more as the year hurdles on. You can like, follow, and listen below.

Kendrick Lamar Brings Out Bound and Gagged Drake Being Lowered Into a Shark Tank as Special Halftime Show Guest

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW ORLEANS — Rapper Kendrick Lamar thrilled the nation during his Super Bowl halftime appearance after revealing his special guest performer was none other than a bound and gagged Drake being lowered into a tank filled with bloodthirsty sharks, cheering viewers have confirmed.

“Everyone anticipated Kendrick’s performance was going to be iconic, but the most exciting part was guessing who the special guest was going to be. That moment the lights went out and ‘Not Like Us’ started sent chills up my spine, but it was nothing compared to him revealing the final guest spot belonged to a massive tank of ravenous sharks about to feast on none other than the man who sang ‘God’s Plan.’ The cheers were deafening,” said attendee Scott Walker. “Everyone had a great sight line of Drake writhing bound to that kitchen chair, I mean the production team thought of everything. The one shark leaping out of the water and missing his leg by an inch during the ‘A-Minor’ part will go down as one the greatest moments in halftime history.”

The halftime production team admitted they didn’t think they’d be able to pull off Lamar’s vision.

“Kendrick’s proposal was ‘James Bond captured by the villain but reversed,’ and honestly we didn’t think it could be pulled off based on sheer logistics. But he came to us with a pretty solid plan for borrowing the sharks from an aquarium in Miami, as well as deploying a crack team of ex-Navy Seals to kidnap Drake from his home in the middle of the night and sedate him long enough to wake up being repelled from the rafters of the Superdome,” said production coordinator Casey Jenson. “Kendrick ceaselessly torturing Drake is overwhelmingly popular with a majority of viewers, and from the looks of it the circling sharks would also agree.

Drake fans were outraged that the beef with Kendrick was taken this far.

“Kendrick already executed him metaphorically, now he has to literally do it? It should be J.Cole in that chair, he’s the one who started all this!” said Devin McCallister. “Where are Drake’s lawyers to respond when he needs them? Damn you, Kung Fu Kenny! Sure, this was technically the first time in my life that I got to see Drake live, but probably not the last time I’ll see him publicly tortured at a nationally televised event.”

At press time, the game was delayed as referees were unable to stop nearly all of the Chiefs and Eagles players from dancing on stage as Drake continued to be lowered to his doom.

Photo credit: Kenny Sun

Review: I Tried Every Flavor of Monster I Could Find Before I Was Put Into a Medically Induced Coma for My Safety

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

Monster Energy drinks are the lifeblood of musicians and athletes alike. There are seemingly hundreds of varieties to choose from. This week, I picked up one of every Monster at the liquor store by my apartment to determine which flavor is best.

In hindsight, I probably should have taken just a small sample of each one somalie style. Instead, I pounded can after can until the beast within me was truly and medically released, and I had to be induced into a coma as I had become a threat to myself and others. Anyway, here’s how far I got.

Monster Energy (Original)
This is your entry-level Monster. It’s got that sweet, citrusy chemical taste we’ve all grown to love. And it packs more than a full day’s supply of whatever the fuck D-glucuronolactone is. Just one of these bad boys gives me the strength to load a dirt bike into my truck by hand, no ramps needed! Try pulling that off with one of those inferior energy drinks!

Monster Energy Lo-Carb
Not too shabby. There’s a familiar artificial citrus flavor but it’s a little less sweet. This blue beast has all the caffeine and “Energy Blend” you get from its green brother, which I desperately need right now to fight this sugar crash I’m experiencing as that first Monster wears off. My entire body is vibrating with approval as I fire back my second Monster of the day.

Monster Energy Zero Ultra
Yum, yum, yum! I’ve never tried the white Monster before. I usually stick to the green one because it’s the O.G. and I loved it enough to get the logo tattooed on my chest in high school so why would I have done that if there was anything wrong with it that needed to be “zeroed” out of the recipe, huh, can you tell me that? I am so fucking into this flavor! I think I’ll try a few of the other Ultra variants next to see if they’re all this good!

Monster Energy Ultra Violet
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS FUCKING PURPLE!

Monster Energy Ultra Fiesta Mango
Not enough purple! Not even close. Ultra Fiesta Mango was hard for me to finish. Mostly because the Howling Man phased in through my kitchen wall and tried to stop my research but you can go eat shit, Howling Man! I’ve had five cans of Monster and even you aren’t powerful enough to stop me! Now take your snakes and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Monster Ultra Blue and Monster Ultra Red mixed together in a bowl and frantically chugged to achieve necessary internal levels of purple
Here comes the purple you shrieking bastard! I should have never betrayed my beloved purple to swill that foul mango concoction. Certainly not with these wretched cobras afoot! Fortunately, I’ve memorized the ancient formula for purple, like my forefathers before me. Only I can resist the wail of the Howling Man and his entourage of serpents!

Well, that’s as far as I got before the National Guard showed up to tranquilize me. Evidently, I had mistaken a local food court for the lodge of The Howling Man and the denizens of said food court for his proxies, who I attacked with a Yield sign I had torn out of the ground mistaking it for the sword of Lightingyore. I wish I could explain it better than that but the details of the mythology I had crafted have faded since the coma. Funny side note, they actually thought I was clinically dead for a few days! I wish I could say this won’t happen again, but it’s come to my attention that there are actually a lot of Red Bull variants now, and I have a job to do.

Texas Republicans Introduce Bill Requiring Parental Advisory Stickers on All Guns Sold to Minors

Posted on by Tim Sheard

AUSTIN, Texas — GOP lawmakers from the Lone Star State introduced a bill requiring parental advisory stickers be placed on all guns that end up in the hands of minors, sources report.

“This is our way of letting the public know that we hear your repeated calls to address the concerning cases of gun violence in the great state of Texas,” House Republican Jared Patterson said. “We all remember how effective parental advisory stickers were with preventing young people from hearing offensive music, and we feel they will have the same effect in curbing future tragedies. While, lamentably, guns here can only be sold to minors with the express consent of a parent or guardian, we want to make sure every God-fearing Texan has access to a bump-stock equipped death machine, and we will all be sleeping a little easier at night if this bill passes.”

Negligent parent Ron McCormick expressed his hope that the bill would pass.

“It’ll be nice to have some peace of mind when I take my son Conner to get his first AR-15 for his 16th birthday next year,” McCormick offered. “He’s been adamant about getting a gun lately, and I figure anything that gets him away from the computer is a blessing. I’m glad Texas politicians are keeping safety at the forefront of their gun priority list with this sticker bill, though. I want Conner to have a warning attached to his first semi-automatic rifle. He spends all his time in his dark bedroom using something called ‘4Chan,’ so if a new gun gets him out of the house and around other people in the real world, I’m all for it.”

Gun violence expert Natasha Healey was less receptive to the effort from Texas Republicans.

“This is just the latest example of lazy, superficial policy made under the thin veil of addressing gun violence,” Healey sighed. “Parental advisory stickers started being placed on compact discs 40 years ago because Tipper Gore was bored and stupid, and there’s no evidence to suggest that those kept any minors from hearing N.W.A. I’m certain we’re going to see a similar result with them being placed on firearms. At this point, we should all just give up and live in bunkers.”

At press time, Patterson was also working on a bill that would require the Ten Commandments be displayed next to any computer that can be used to type a sprawling manifesto.

Elon Musk Makes Generous Donation to Erectile Dysfunction Therapy Startup for Absolutely No Reason in Particular

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Social pariah and world’s richest man Elon Musk made a staggering donation to a new startup with a mission statement of curing erectile dysfunction, confirmed sources who say it isn’t a big deal and people need to stop reading into it.

“Right, I can’t donate $789,000,000 to a company seeking to eradicate erectile dysfunction without people talking about how my penis doesn’t work, how sad my balls are, and how they would kill themselves if they had a penis even half as bad. It’s a tired and lazy attack. I consider myself a hero for helping this cause,” Musk said while wearing a vintage 1932 Hugo Boss SS uniform. “You people need to get a life, really, it’s getting annoying. These are the same jerks that gave me crap for helping fund an AI company that is making great advances in creating virtual reality sex slaves. Or the medical science company that does non-surgical penis enlargement and shape correction. These are valuable companies that I’m proud to support.”

Jeremy Kapston, the COO of Harden, was surprised by Musk’s interest in his startup.

“I had just started putting together a pitch deck for funding when I got a call from Elon who was super excited about what we were doing. Harden promises to give men rock-hard erections without the side effects often associated with Viagra and Cialis, not to mention we will help men produce more semen with our proprietary formula. The semen thing really got Elon excited, it’s really all he talks about on our progress calls,” said Kapston. “The other great thing about working with Elon is he wants to help test the product. Every time he walks through the facility he eats any random pill he finds on the ground, I guess that’s what it’s like being a genius.”

President Trump also promised government funding to bring Harden to the American people.

“I’ve looked at the research and America is falling far behind in erection dominance. Before Obama, America had the best erections, my erections were beautiful back then, it was like the New York skyline covered in red hair all the way down the shaft. But the Democrats neutered us all with DEI and open borders,” said Trump. “When I look at porn I’m not seeing virile American men anymore, it’s all foreign men with our barely legal teens. That needs to change, I want to make America stand at attention again.”

At press time, Musk was actively looking for startups that could develop a treatment to prevent sex workers from puking every time he undressed in front of them.

I Used to Love Meth Until I Learned about its Roots in Fascism

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

Meth: It’s one of those things we all love. For many people, myself included, meth is more than just a crystal shard, it’s a lifestyle. But what I learned recently about meth shook me to my core. Behind every shard of meth, was a man, and that man’s name was Adolf Hitler.

I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out. When I started Googling “facism” for the first time after the election, I was appalled at what I read about Nazis, but what really shocked me was finding out that meth was actually developed by Nazi scientists in an attempt to create super soldiers. I was speechless, meth being used for evil? I couldn’t believe it.

At first, I tried not to think about it, but the next time I hit the pipe, I felt weird. I have friends who are Jewish and gay. I used to never understand why they kept begging me to stop smoking meth every day. But now it finally clicked. Smoking crystal in front of them reminded them of the struggles they and their families had to go through. Walter White, to them, was just another Himmler.

Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. When I smoked meth with others, I noticed their swastika tattoos for the first time. Were they always there? Or did I only start noticing them now? It was the subtle things like this that I had been blind to my whole life.

The scariest takeaway from this: meth has become ingrained in the American way of life. It’s not enough for just me to quit. People stared at me for tweaking at ShopRite, they didn’t stare at me for enabling fascism. We need to do better, America, and build a culture that looks past meth, and cares about history.

It’s crucial we build a better world, one where we can separate the art from the artist. If we can get our meat humanely, why not mix cough syrup, iodine, lye, and muriatic acid into a boil in a way that oppressed minorities can get behind. When will Congress wake up and fight the real evil?

But for now, it’s not enough to just quit smoking meth, I have to fight the injustice I helped support, I’m going to do something that isn’t rooted in evil, that will maybe help topple the rising tide of fascism. This speedball’s for you, Bernie Sanders!

Hüsker Dü Fan Celebrates 10th Anniversary of Never Saying Band Name Out Loud

Posted on by Robert Butler

MINNEAPOLIS — Local Hüsker Dü fan Paul Mallard quietly celebrated the 10-year anniversary of never saying their band name aloud to avoid potential ridicule, confirmed sources who didn’t even know he listened to them.

“In high school, they were one of those bands I’d shy away from. I knew I wasn’t ready to answer the really tough questions. Like, who are you listening to?” recalled Mallard. “In my early 20s I remember going to parties seeing people being mocked for saying ‘Hoo-ska Do.’ Before long I caught myself fully projecting this insecurity and completely humiliating people for saying it like ‘Hesker Due,’ or something close. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I decided it was time to grow up and never utter the name of my favorite band of all time. If all goes well I will be taking my fandom to the grave.”

Mallard’s girlfriend Ashley Drake claims secrecy over the band’s name causes strange tension in their relationship.

“I only ever attempted to read the name out loud once myself before he completely shut me down,” said Drake. “I also suggested we just call them ‘The Du’ or ‘that one band’ so we can get past this weird silent treatment. But that idea just upset him. He keeps insisting that I’m not gonna get it, because he doesn’t even get it. I guess I kind of understand. After all, what do those little dots above the letter ‘u’ even mean? No way I’m taking the time to look that up.”

Music critic Tony Pittman believes fans of hard to pronounce band names tend to hide their interest in them.

“In my business, it doesn’t take much for a fan to hide their deepest adoration for a band’s music because of their name,” recalled Pittman. “Sanguisugabogg, Sunn O))), Samhain. Some bands you should never speak of in a social setting. If someone asks you who you listen to, you must hide your voice as much as humanly possible. For instance, while pronouncing Dimmu Borgir, go ahead and fire up a nearby saw or smack a board with a hammer while some sort of noise comes out of his mouth. If that doesn’t work, you can simply show the other person what is playing on your phone screen and make them pronounce it. Just whatever you do, do not say Yngwie Malmsteen out loud.”

At press time, Mallard also quietly celebrated the 15-year anniversary of never saying the name Hoobastank out loud, mainly to avoid having to admit he listens to them.

Kanye Announces New Album “Austrian Art School Dropout”

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOS ANGELES — Kanye West followed up a Nazi-glorifying rant on ‘X’ today by announcing the surprise release of his newest studio album “Austrian Art School Dropout,” sources confirmed.

“’Austrian Art School Dropout’ is a concept album about a misunderstood genius living in Austria in 1907, and the sinister Illuminati forces that conspired to keep him out of art school but ultimately couldn’t keep his greatness down—and that young genius’ name? Yedolf Yitler,” shouted West into a megaphone spinning from a ceiling fan. “I even traveled back in time with the infinite power of my mind to play this album for baby Hitler and he was all ‘goo goo gaga, thank you Ye for sonically hitting me with this supreme knowledge.’ You’re welcome baby Hitler, I love you, I wish I could breastfeed you.”

The new album is supported by guest features ranging from Ted Nugent to rising MAGA rapper Yung Goebbels, but was released to mostly negative reviews that labeled it ‘technically competent’ but ‘kinda full of Nazi shit’.

“The concept album starts off with the forceful ‘Yetzkrieg,’ featuring a driving drum beat cleverly sampled from goose-stepping soldiers at the Nuremberg Rally, before returning back to the main character’s early art school beginnings with ‘Two Words (Mein Kampf)’,” said music critic Nate Kohler. “But by the time you get to ‘Führer Walks’ and ‘New Final Workout Solution’ it gets kind of difficult to separate the art from the genocidal Austrian artist.”

Shadow-President Elon Musk reportedly took issue with Kanye labeling him a ‘bandwagon Nazi’ after discovering a diss track titled ‘When The Berlin Wall Falls Down’.

“As a longtime supporter of Kanye and a defender of his free speech on X I feel completely betrayed that he would call me something as disgusting as a ‘Bandwagon Nazi’ when I have clearly been a fan of Hitler long before it was cool,” said Musk, pointing to the hundreds of hours he sunk into the single-player Nazi campaign in ‘Call of Duty’. “He even started the song with a skit that goes ‘Elon, I’mma let you finish but Hitler had one of the best genocides of all time’ which is so unfair when I’ve only had one month in power and Hitler had a whole decade.”

Shortly after the news broke, Kayne announced his next album would be a synth-fueled neo-nazi concept album, “1488s and Deep States.”

DOGE Teens Use Government Servers To Create Dream Girl

Posted on by Dan Katz

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team of DOGE teens used their unprecedented access to federal agencies to create their dream girl using the immense computing power of the US government, totally stoked sources confirmed.

“My RTX 4080-equipped laptop is great for playing ‘Path of Exile 2’ and ‘Roblox,’ but we needed a lot more power for this. Thankfully we have the government’s servers at our disposal, and if anyone tells me I can’t use them they will be arrested. This place is fire,” explained 19-year-old Edward “Big Balls” Coristine. “We scanned into the computer everything we could think of to create the perfect woman: pages from ‘Mein Kampf,’ ‘Atlas Shrugged,’ a picture of Kaitlin Bennett. Then we fed in some sheet music from Kanye West and Grimes. Topped off with the collective works of Libs of TikTok, and ‘Rick and Morty’ fan fic. Then my boys and I just wore my younger sister’s bras on our heads, hooked up the leads to Kasumi figurine, and voila, we had a flesh and blood woman we call MaXa.”

Elon Musk expressed his excitement for the beautiful, trad wife his goon squad conjured.

“I’m not, like, just making tech here. This is a super exciting innovation, you know, in the future of companionship. Pushing the boundaries of xAI. I have leveled up MaXa so much in such a short time; with just a little more hardcore grinding, I’ll have her at level 97 within the next couple of weeks,” said Musk while jumping around wildly. “Pretty soon, I’ll be able to put her in real, live sexual situations and see how she reacts. Real sick, demented shit. You’ll love it! Probably leave her breasts as-is, though. Anything bigger than a handful and you’re risking a sprained thumb.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the development, no matter how incredible the creation of a gorgeous, magical woman might be.

“Those teenage Great Gatsby cosplayers just marched into our offices and hijacked our computer systems,” complained US Department of Energy senior analyst Lisa Brockway. “Sorry the Shermer High bullies pantsed you in gym class, but that doesn’t give your statuesque supermodel the right to throw a rager in my office and turn my department head, Mr. Donnelly, into a talking pile of feces. I don’t care if the effects will wear off – they still need to clean up their Capri-Sun garbage.”

At press time, the DOGE crew was helping Donald Trump create his own, real version of his daughter Ivanka, but they forgot to connect the doll, and the electrodes were resting on a copy of the federal tax code.