Woodland Creature Mayoral Race Once Again Swept by Dapper Bullfrog in Monocle and Top Hat

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WILLOW WIND HOLLOW — The animal population of a wooded glen was less than surprised when their mayoral election results yielded a landslide win for a jovial bullfrog in formal wear, sources confirmed while bristling at the triggering term “landslide.”

“Ah, twas a jolly good showing all around! My thanks to the voters of this fine glen — from the birds in the trees, to the bugs and the bees! Pip pip!” chimed Mayor Bullfrog, with a distinguished puff of his signature dewlap. “I daresay my promise of a ‘stolen vegetables from Farmer MacCready’s garden for all’ initiative was risky, but I didn’t kiss all those tadpoles at my rallies to be called a liar. ‘Slimy,’ sure, but that’s a descriptor I wear with pride, what what! Now to beef up my security team in case there are any more assassination attempts by out-of-town hawks!”

Mayor Bullfrog’s long-suffering opponent, Mr. Weasel, was less than sporting about his now annual defeat.

“Drat it all. Drat it to heck and back again, I say. Every year I hope we’ve progressed as a society enough to overcome our clear and rampant anti-predator bias, and every year I’m squashed back to reality, crushed and labelled a ‘loser.’ I’ll bet if I were born a chipmunk or even a sentient oak tree one might go to for cryptic advice, I’d be getting fitted for a ‘MAYOR’ sash right now!” opined Weasel, from his modest one-bedroom burrow. “And, of course, the scandal a few years back didn’t help. How was I to know those rotten eggs were someone’s kids and not part of the continental breakfast I assumed the hotel offered?”

Local man Reggie Potter, great-grandson of children’s author Beatrix Potter, had much to say on the election outcome.

“Man, I wish my great-grandmother was alive to see this. Or that anyone believed that this was happening in my backyard without calling for a psychiatric evaluation,” said Potter, frantically. “This election happens every year in my very backyard, and let me tell you, the minute people find out you’re the relative of Beatrix Potter and you’re trying to tell them there are well-dressed critters campaigning hutch-to-hutch, your credibility goes right down the drain. At least she was able to make some money off these little suckers. God, I wish I could draw.”

At press time, a recount was ordered after accusations of Mayor Bullfrog paying off the duck community for votes in exchange for a sack of wet bread.

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket or Do You Have Two Boners

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Having an erection in public is embarrassing, but it happens to the best of us. I was fully prepared to look away and not say anything until I saw that your pants had two bulges. There’s the obvious one in the middle, nice size, good girth, 10/10 normal penis from the outline. I would just say, ‘Is there ‘something’ in your pocket’ if I were trying to make a joke about the situation, but after doing a double take, I don’t know whether to be concerned about my safety or your health. The bulge right of center is such a distinctive shape, it’s either a Rossi RM66 .357 Magnum with a six-inch barrel or a secondary stiffy.

I’ve read Freud, I know about phallic object theory and how guns and dicks are the same shape, and both represent an affirmation of masculinity. I’d like to consider myself open-minded to unconventional expressions of gender and sexuality. It’s really none of my business, and what’s the difference between the two when it comes down to it? They can both be loaded, concealed, and pump-action, but one could fucking kill me, which is probably why I’m still stuck on this. Have you had a vasectomy? I’m really praying that you’re shooting blanks.

Sorry I keep staring. I couldn’t think of a discreet way to confront you, but I just have to know. Rambo or Randy? Even if I gestured to your crotch and asked if it was registered, that would do nothing to clear the air; both answers would only cause more questions. I could ask to see it, but that would be awkward. Also, I’m not really into guys in that way, and I am for sure not into guns that way.

Hey, what’s with that grin, anyway? It’s like you’re enjoying this confrontation a little too much. I get the sense that you’re only horny in a normal, one-dicked way because you’re about to kill me, which I’ve no doubt you’d commit to, given you clearly don’t have performance anxiety.

Tony Hawk Confirms He First Got into Skateboarding After Playing Countless Hours of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Famed skateboarder Tony Hawk revealed that he really only got into skateboarding after playing countless hours of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3, confirmed sources still trying to wrap their heads around that concept.

“Yeah, I was an accountant who was super bored with my life when I first started playing THPS3 on my N64 and I just couldn’t put it down,” explained Hawk while spinning a skateboard on his index finger like a basketball. “Seeing what I was able to do in the game really inspired me to pick up a board for the first time in my life and just start skating. I figured if I could manual in the game for 20 minutes straight while doing multiple handstands, then hitting a 900 in real life should be no problem. I was right.”

Multiple skaters were confused after hearing about this revelation.

“I think it’s cool that Tony got into skateboarding thanks to THPS3 because that’s how I got into boarding too. Hey, wait a minute,” said skater Kelvin Grady. “No seriously, am I high right now because how does that make any sense? I don’t think I’m high because I haven’t smoked anything in over 20 minutes and I should have come down a little by now. How the hell did they come out with multiple Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater games before Tony Hawk even got into skateboarding? Is Tony Hawk just a character that was created for the games or did Neversoft create the human as some sort of marketing campaign for the game? No, that can’t be because the actual Tony Hawk is featured on the original box art for the games. This must be my last concussion acting up because what the hell?”

Long-haired theoretical physicist Michio Kaku chimed in to explain what’s going on as he will show up anywhere to explain stuff when asked.

“Have you ever wondered why so many people don’t recognize Tony Hawk when they see him in public?” asked Kaku. “It’s because Tony Hawk both simultaneously exists and doesn’t exist. He lies in a perfect superposition as defined by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in which the person known as Tony Hawk has always been but has also never been. This all started of course during an event known as the ‘Mountain Dew Baja Blast’ which was an event similar to the big bang in which both ska and skateboarding entered the mortal realm for the first time. Quite fascinating indeed.”

At press time, it was also confirmed that the members of Goldfinger first got into ska punk after listening to themselves performing “Superman” during their playthrough of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

Dancing Coke Can and Billy Bass Among Kennedy Center Honorees

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among the artists recognized for their contributions to American culture this year during a particularly unhinged press conference earlier today.

“It’s time we as a nation stop glorifying woke garbage and start honoring the real artists who helped make America the greatest culture in history! That’s why I’m using the power entrusted to me by myself to add two performers to what was already the greatest lineup of Kennedy Center honorees!” said Trump, gesturing to the animatronic toys. “As you can see, both gentlemen are with me today, and they are so grateful for what I’ve done for them that they’ve actually collaborated on a new piece in my honor!” The president proceeded to press the on button for the Coke can and the singing bass at the same time and began to weep to a mashup of “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)” and “Take Me to the River.” “This is the national anthem now,” added Trump through tears of admiration.

Propaganda Minister Pam Bondi was quick to deflect accusations that the President’s choices were crass, tasteless, and out of touch.

“The Kennedy Center can only honor so many artists per year, and the President did not choose his selections lightly,” assured Bondi. “The can was a shoe-in from the start, but for many weeks it was a dead-heat between the bass, Kevin Sorbo, and the ‘time to make the donuts’ guy. Then Sorbo made the mistake of questioning how the President’s uncle could have taught the Unabomber, and was immediately disqualified. In the end, the President went with the performer who looked the least Hispanic, and the entire cabinet is behind him in that decision.”

The President’s choices for honorees have been met with heavy criticism from the arts world, notably from former Kennedy Center Chairman Deborah Rutter.

“As if Rocky and KISS weren’t embarrassing enough, now we’re honoring the artistic contributions of gauche inanimate objects, ” said Rutter. “It’s very in vogue to compare Trump to Adolf Hitler, but these selections debunk that completely. Hitler, for all his sins and flaws, understood art and culture.”

According to sources, the President’s choices have even drawn criticism from fellow honoree Gene Simmons, who claims the dancing coke can “totally cockblocked” him at Whisky a Go Go in 1986.

Free Hugs Guy Now Has Tipping Option

Posted on by Mike Moran

NEW YORK — Longtime hugging volunteer Andy Spencer recently joined in on the trend of asking for gratuities along with his charity services, local sources report.

“In these troubled times, who couldn’t use a free hug for a small donation?” asked Spencer. “I’m just happy to give people a few seconds of affection, if it means it will brighten someone’s day a little. Oh, and no pressure, but if you do feel so inclined, I offer several tipping options on my iPad here. Or you can customize, but again it’s totally optional. I have a square up top there, or you can just tap but that’s always a little tricky. Cash is always welcome too. Or Venmo. Whatever you got on you, really. Just give it to me already.”

Patrons who have long appreciated the altruistic, non-commercial nature of the independent hugging circuit are questioning the ethics of adding tipping options to the service blatantly advertised as “free.”

“I’m not going to give up on free hugs guys, but I will admit I’m much more discerning in my options,” said frequent patron Alison Bridgers. “I find myself taking more time to consider things like technique, hygiene, and chest to breast room allowance ratio. I’m sorry, but if I’m going to be pressured into tipping, I’m not settling on a smelly guy with an uneven embrace distribution, who is going to try and rub boobs with me. I mean, believe it or not, some of these free hug guys turn out to be total creeps. Who would have thought?”

Experts are weighing in on how this issue is merely a part of a growing national trend that has many Americans questioning the idea of tipping in general.

“The economy being as it is, it’s not surprising that so many services are adding tipping options,” said Economist James Cowlings. “But Americans by and large are beginning to experience ‘tipping fatigue.’ In Europe, tipping is considered taboo, and people working as ‘hugsmen,’ as they are known, are actually compensated through government programs. But try getting Americans to agree to that. We don’t want our tax dollars going to museums, let alone street comforters.”

At press time, HUG international, a new corporate embracement solutions firm, has announced it will be hiring over 1,000 former free hugs guys, and plan on franchising nationally.

Better Safe than Sorry! I’m Punching Random Bald Guys On the Off Chance One of Them is Jeff Bezos

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There was a time when any time I’d see that obscenely wealthy asshole Jeff Bezos gracing the cover of Forbes, I’d wish I could just reach into the picture and give that cue ball looking jackass a nice hearty slap. I know it was nothing more than idyllic fantasy, but it’s hard to sit there and be okay with a society that rewards resource hoarding and the subjugation of the working class. There had to be a way to stick it to him, even if it was petty and insignificant, and send a message.

That’s when I recently began turning revenge fantasy into action. Now, I’m doing my part in the war on billionaires by punching random bald guys on the street on the off chance one of them is Jeff Bezos himself.

Some people in my community have objected to my methods, so for the sake of transparency, I want to assure everyone that any act of violence against middle-aged, follically challenged men around 5’7″ is purely out of respect for the working class and anyone who received shitty HDMI cables on Amazon. I’ve tried explaining this to the police every time I get arrested for assault, but of course, they’re going to protect the ruling class.

So far, I’ve been unsuccessful, but you never know when Bezos could be lurking, especially in this age of surveillance. For all I know, he could be one step ahead of me after listening to all my anti-capitalist rants caught on my Ring camera. He may also be using his short stature to his advantage in evading my fists of retribution.

Maybe, just maybe, Jeffrey will disembark his superyacht parked on the Amalfi Coast and deign to walk among us, like when I thought I saw him walking out of the gas station, but it turned out to be my old gym teacher. In my defense, the sun was in my eyes, but I stand by my actions.

It sounds like I’m profiling people, and that’s because I am. But this is for a good cause! I’d never forgive myself if the one time I didn’t knock out a random baldy in my path, that it turned out to be the king of exploitation. Let me ask you this: if you had a one in 750 million chance to punch an actual supervillain, but it meant punching strangers all over town who bore a slight resemblance to them, you’d take those odds, right? I thought so.

Scurvy-Ridden Band Plays Extra Shitty in Hopes Someone Throws Fruit on Stage

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.

“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-passenger van. That one gave us a few five-gallon buckets of gyro meat. We’ve been eating it for four months,” said Josh Andersen, singer and guitarist for Slice. “When the scurvy set in, we tried treating it with a case of Fanta we found backstage. That didn’t work, but dripping blood from my gums while I sang absolutely fucked. Our limps looked great, too, because of how low we could hold our guitars. But then it got really hard to load the gear in and out. Everything hurt, and I could barely see to drive the van. So we decided to play super shitty to get people to throw fruit at us. I’d eat anything with vitamin C at this point, even one of those asshole Red Delicious apples.”

The plan has yet to work, according to an attendee of a recent show.

“If they have scurvy, I hope they never recover, because these are the best shows I’ve ever been to,” said Sue Lent, who follows Slice tours. “They all seemed sleepy on stage, and they played slow, but I loved the doomy twist on their songs. Josh spit blood everywhere when he sang. That was sick. The drummer broke an arm in the middle of a song, and this disgusting puss dribbled onto the kit, which was fucking awesome. The bassist threw up, and the sound guy slipped in the puke and hit his head real bad, so the entire venue sounded like a vivisection. It felt like a Gwar show. Yeah, some people in the crowd had lemons, but those were for cutting heroin, not throwing.”

Dr. Lex Ahituv, a pirate physician in Duluth, offered some recommendations.

“Due to the urgency of the situation, the band needs to bring the shitty factor into uncharted territory,” Dr. Ahituv said. “As far as throwing fruit, I recommend attendees aim for the face to maximize bioavailability. Cantaloupe, durian, and even peppers are ideal choices. Even rushing the stage and rubbing a handful of blueberries directly onto their skin could drastically improve their conditions.”

As of press time, Slice successfully elicited fruit from the audience, but only after passing out on stage midway through their second song of the set.

Top Contenders for 2028 Democrat Presidential Nomination Down to John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, Says New AIPAC Poll

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, confirmed sources.

“I’d call the entire situation an embarrassment,” said AIPAC spokeswoman Herzliya-Hadasha. “An embarrassment of riches! But seriously, folks. On one hand you’ve got the kind of slide-rule in a suit policy wonk that makes the average blue dog’s calves cramp. That’ll play well with the suburban soccer grandmoms. And on the other, an alpha male, whose appearance makes you wonder if you accidentally switched from CSPAN to WWE RAW. Either would be a fantastic choice. Provided neither end up appearing on the Epstein list. Which is totally not a thing, by the way. And I’m not sure why people are even talking about it.”

Fetterman seemed ready to do whatever it takes to fight for Israel.

“I’m a progressive who gets things done,” said Fetterman, dressed like he just came off his shift at Auto Zone and debuting his soon-to-be iconic “Make Jordan Israel Again” ball cap. “And those things include codification of trans rights here in Pennsylvania, making sure access to abortion will always be available in the commonwealth, sensible steps towards the legalization of recreational marijuana, and an unwavering commitment to supporting Israel’s right to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, to whomever it wants––be it Hamas resistance fighters, innocent civilians, aid workers, hospitals, refugee camps, the Freedom Flotilla, that annoying Swedish chick, or children…countless, countless children. And to do it with zero consequences, sanctions, boycotts, criticism, or anything else.”

Meanwhile, Shapiro, often viewed as the more practically minded of the two, has taken what many are calling a more nuanced approach.

“We can all agree that only a person with a heart of stone would turn a blind eye to the images we are all now forced to confront of the brutal subjugation and now literal starvation of the population of Gaza,” said the Governor. “And this is why we need to stop fighting each other, reach across the aisle, and do whatever it takes to fight the real enemies: Campus protestors. We need to adopt an appropriate battle-minded outlook. And we can do this by ensuring that our students feel safe from the threat of free speech on campus. By answering every question with ‘but do you condemn Hamas?’ And, most importantly, by stopping Zohran Mamdani from becoming the next mayor of New York City.”

When prompted about a potential “one state solution,” both candidates full-throatedly voiced their support for a land where everyone, whether they drink pop or soda, say youse or yinz, or get their hoagies at Sheetz or Wawa, can live together in peace and harmony.

Help! I’m Being Bullied by the Families of My Victims

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Bullying’s an epidemic that’s poisoning society. Take it from someone who has, unfortunately, been a victim of this reprehensible behavior. Let me be clear — nobody deserves to be bullied, ever. Especially for trivial things like how you dress, or what music you listen to, or even if the Agreed Statement of Facts you signed states that you defrauded a bunch of seniors out of everything they owned, and now their families want your head on a stick.

I’ve been targeted for months by a bunch of tormentors who’ve left me unkind voicemails and downright rotten social media posts, claiming my business endeavors have caused them undue pain and suffering. These claims are… whatever, but that still doesn’t give them the right to harass me just because I tried to help their vulnerable relatives get in on the ground floor of a sure-fire pyramid opportunity. It’s not my fault they ran out of cash before they could carry the ball over the goal line. Talk about toxic!

There’s simply no justice in this world. When they hauled me into that kangaroo court, their lawyers spent more time demonizing me than they did thanking me for trying to help a bunch of geezers achieve financial freedom. Now, I can barely enjoy myself on the lake in my new Yamaha SX190 powerboat that I bought after convincing some of them to let me invest their savings into a few guaranteed crypto pump-and-dumps, knowing the mean things they’re saying about me. It’s no wonder I turned to drugs in order to cope, and because I can afford, like, all of the drugs now.

Sure, I was already deep into the booger sugar before all this, but that was in a more fun, carefree way, not a still-really-fun-but-now-people-are-calling-me-out-and-I-don’t-like-it kind of way. With having my good name dragged through the mud, how the heck am I supposed to introduce new clients to my exciting, once-in-a-lifetime, too-good-to-be-true, multi-level marketing schemes?

Life is all about learning lessons. That’s why I’ve decided to pack up and leave this place, with the intent to grow as a person with a new outlook, a new attitude, and of course, a new alias that I can use somewhere in a new town where the fraud laws aren’t so problematic.

Aging Rock Band Enters Their Touring with a Full Orchestra Phase

Posted on by Mike Maher

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Veteran rock mainstays Ironsides officially entered the phase of their career where they tour with an orchestra, unenthused sources who hoped this day would never come confirmed.

“For years we just played the same exact setlist every night,” Ironsides singer Gary Mann said while rippin’ a Zyn. “But now we’ve totally switched things up and play the same exact setlist every night with a 100-piece orchestra! The response so far has been super responsive. Honestly, I didn’t know a lick of classical music until this tour, and man, these cats can jam! They got violins. Harps. Pan flutes. Some big honkin’ horns. You haven’t heard our classic ‘Wet Humpin’’ until you’ve heard it with a gong solo. This is some classy shit. That’s why tickets start at $300. And it’s a black-tie event. In fact, a black tie is literally all I wear on stage. There’s also intermission. And cheese.”

Klaus Hasselhoff, conductor with the Jacksonville Philharmonic, detailed how the unlikely collaboration came to fruition.

“I have never listened to Ironsides,” Hasselhoff admitted. “I don’t even listen to Ironsides when we perform. I listen to audiobook in my earbud, and just wave my baton as the orchestra plays whatever they feel like. No one notices. All these cretin fans want are tits and riffs. They are simple and unschooled. Musically, it is a disaster. Sexually, it is a revelation. Do you know how much…how do you say it in American…bomb-ass pussy I’ve gotten on this tour? And blow?! It almost make this whole thing worth the career suicide.”

Freelance music preservationist Niles Pridgen offered a biased yet bullseye take on the trend of rock bands touring with orchestras.

”No one asked for this. Not rock fans, not classical fans,” Pridgen said. “I’d say this is just a cash grab but judging from the low ticket sales, bloated production budget, and the fact that Ironsides and the Jack-Phil are sharing one U-Haul together, this is an absolute financial fuckshow and a cautionary tale of what not to do with musical instruments. I’d honestly rather listen to hick-hop or that Lou Reed Metallica album than this cock opera.”

At press time, Ironsides fired the orchestra and pawned all their gear to recoup financial losses, but continued the tour performing acapella versions of their songs.