After months of going back and forth, it appears Musk is finally planning to step down as CEO of Twitter, claiming his replacement will start work in 6 weeks. Here’s what we know so far:
Twitter’s new CEO is rumored to be NBCUniversal’s Linda Yaccarino, a woman he has repeatedly confirmed is a woman.
She’s a woman.
Yaccarino first caught Musk’s attention after he witnessed some witty banter she exchanged with NBC executive Jack Donaghy
No one correct him until papers have been signed.
Elon became dissatisfied with Twitter’s inability to malfunction and eventually explode
“What’s the point?”
Musk will remain CEO of Martian Twitter
Martian Twitter users will still have to forfeit a portion of their water rations to retain blue checkmarks.
Musk was impressed by Yaccarino’s ability to execute cutaway jokes in conversation
“She can just say stuff like ‘Hey Tracey, remember your Halloween novelty song?’ and then suddenly we all see Tracey Jordan as a werewolf singing about Jewsish kids. That’s what leadership looks like.”
The Boring Company founder assures users that the new Twitter CEO will continue to destroy the platform
“I would never appoint someone who didn’t have the erosion of media as we know it at the top of their agenda.”
Musk’s first pick for CEO is still in critical condition after Musk decided to demonstrate that they were bulletproof
The former CEO candidate is still available for pre-order.
Musk is rumored to be excited at the prospect of getting into high jinks with Kenneth
“He’s dumb and low status, but he’s sort of the heart of the operation over there.”
Musk finalized his decision after learning he could be his own boss selling CutCo knives over the phone
“Always check your spam folder, you never know what opportunities could be hiding in there.”
Musk seems to believe he will now be in charge of “The Pranksmen”
Again, until the ink is dry, everyone keep your mouths shut.
Elon says he will help ease new CEO into their role by sharing his reserve of stolen memes from Ebaumsworld
“A little tactful cropping and it’s your meme now!”
Twitter users will only be able to retweet articles from Babylon Bee
People need to see the funny side of white Christian nationalism.
Initially, Musk only meant he was stepping down from the apple box he uses to appear taller than 6’4″ senior dev ops engineer Justin Grinkley
It was more step-effective to just fire Justin
The new CEO will be required to pay $8 a month to retain their role
It’s the only way to make sure they’re legit.
Musk’s initial choice for successor was a bucket of clams because of how funny that would be
“A bucket of clams would actually be a terrible choice, because it does not have the skill set or thumb dexterity required to lead a major tech company, so you should be laughing.”
Musk promises to continue the time-honored tradition of publicly questioning employees’ disability status in front of an audience of tens of millions
“You think being in a wheelchair is hard, try being rich with self-diagnosed Asperger’s!”
Elon will commemorate the new CEO’s tenure by his driving Tesla truck through a crowded employee lounge
“Let that ‘sink in’”
Musk predicts the change will reduce the number of assassins sent back in time to kill him by 30% over the next 5 years
“Until then, the robots will just have to keep having my back.”
You can count the number of times Twitter has made you happy on one hand
It’s been over a decade, why are you still using this?
Fans of “Hot Fuss” should at least check out this compilation for “Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf,” a groovy murder ballad that hits differently when we remember Brandon Flowers is a practicing Mormon. It’s wild enough that he doesn’t leave soda out either. We still can’t believe this isn’t officially an album considering how badly we want to call it top 3 material, but The Hard Times doesn’t bend rules like Brandon does with his beverages.
There’s a good reason this album has a regular version and an abridged version — it’s too goddamn long. Maybe it wouldn’t suffer from that problem if Brandon Flowers spent less time singing about Vegas in the band’s early days and owned up to his Utah roots. If we wanted to hear spoken-word interludes about life in a miserable town, we would lurk outside the county courthouse. The gossip over there is way more interesting.
“Wonderful” is a strong word for this album. Worse music exists, but so do better Killers albums. And as much as we liked this album when it came out, it was their first new release in five years. We were desperate. The singles were exciting at the time but the album itself has a lot of filler. Besides, we’ve heard “The Man” too many times to enjoy it anymore. Not every movie trailer needed that single, especially not the one for that Dick Cheney biopic with Christian Bale.
Contrary to its title, this is not a good album for battle. Ever tried to throw punches to the beat of “The Way It Was?” Your opponent will overpower you and your body will never be the way it was before. Nevertheless, it’s still a fine collection of songs if you’re taking a late-night drive through the desert or trying to own every Killers album ever made. It works very well for either of those purposes.
The Killers tried to start years of existentialist debate by raising the question of whether we’re human or dancer, but you’ll probably be more dancer by the end of this poppy third album. It’s a fun listen the entire way through, even when a few of us allegedly cried to “A Dustland Fairytale.” There’s also a B-side called “Neon Tiger” which is quite literally about a tiger. If that doesn’t sell this album to you, we’re not sure what will.
The Killers were very brave to record music in Utah after making Vegas their defining personality trait for a decade and a half. Luckily, that creative risk paid off with this work of art. The hooks are so grandiose and dazzling that we can almost forgive the band for not coming clean about the whole Utah thing sooner. We’d even let them make music in Idaho if the final product reached this album’s heights.
By far the best new wave album to come out in the early aughts, The Killers earned their name with this debut. It’s so good that Brandon Flowers confessed to murder on the opening track and nobody bothered to question him about it. We should have known something was afoot when he said “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” The Killers may not sing about killing as much these days but they have to keep the feds off their trail somehow.
Forget “Mr. Brightside,” this is The Killers’ true magnum opus. Even though it’s another album about Vegas, the switch from new wave to Americana influences makes Sin City feel like an entirely new world. It’s also a great concept album thanks to the “Enterlude” and “Exitlude” bookends. Critics who panned this when it first came out should lose sleep thinking about how wrong they were.
I really wish we could start this list off strong, but numbers being what they are, here we are at 11. And right now you’re saying to yourself, ‘Holy shit, the Smashing Pumpkins have how many albums?’ It seems that every now and then Billy forgets where he put his guitar and decides to make an album with a children’s keyboard from Toys-R-Us. This is the first of these albums we will encounter, and most definitely the worst. It doesn’t matter what kind of Pumpkins fan you are. You hate this album.
This is the Smashing Pumpkins that is best listened to as a YouTube video in the background of your mindless Facebook scrolling. I’m just going to assume this was essentially a failed Zwan album that got repackaged by the record company as a Pumpkins disc just so they could clear out the unsold copies from a warehouse in South Jersey. It seemed like a good idea, but alas, it failed. The record company ended up burning the unsold copies which resulted in an ecological disaster of biblical proportions that up until now has mostly gone unnoticed among the piles of shit already scattered about the Philadelphia area.
Zeitgeist is one of those words I kind of know what it means. It’s a word that guys like Billy Corgan and Moby use to make the rest of us feel like morons…remember that time Moby used the word insouciant? Yeah, that kinda thing. But jokes on them, I have a dictionary. Zeitgeist: the general intellectual, moral, and cultural climate of an era. I didn’t bother to look this up when the album came out. Then Billy used the word during a Joe Rogan interview and it seemed like Rogan knew what it meant. The idea of Joe Rogan understanding something better than I do terrified me, so I immediately looked the word up.
And then there was one. Making an album with only one original member is a time-honored tradition in rock and roll. Sometimes a band really only needs that one person, like Mike Ness and Social Distortion. Sometimes the band is more about a core group that is necessary for it to work…even Axl Rose eventually figured that out. The Pumpkins seem to be the latter of the two. Yes, Billy writes the songs, and he can do all the guitar, bass, and vocal tracks by himself…but no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many drum machines he buys, there is only one Jimmy Chamberlain…and that has to piss Billy off so much. Bravo Jimmy…Bravo.
I just recently entered “Cyr” into my Smashing Pumpkins discography and haven’t really made space for “Atum” yet…but hey, it’s the internet era, let’s give parts one and two a listen.
When Billy Corgan gets inspired, he writes a shit ton of songs. When Billy Corgan writes a shit ton of songs, he releases double albums. But really, there’s no shame in taking 30 songs and trimming it down to a lean 12 for the purpose of just getting to the fucking point. But alas, if I was asked to cut down the Machina I/II saga to a single disc, I honestly don’t know what I’d leave behind. Is every song necessary? Maybe. And that’s what is so irritating about it.
FINALLY, the band is mostly back together. James Iha has returned. Jimmy is still alive. Darcy is…well, that’s not important right now. And after all that time apart the band finally crafts a fine album of…8 songs? I’m just going to fill in the story behind this one: Jimmy and James were so happy to be making music with Billy again that they tolerated his crap long enough to make 31 minutes of music. I mean, I know I said I wanted them to start trimming the fat, but Jesus, leave a little flavor on the bone.
For those of you familiar with the Pumpkins, this is the album you’re supposed to say is their best. I know, you really hated it when it came out because ‘hey, where’s Jimmy?’ Ultimately this album is what happens when a rockstar gets bored. Billy got all the big guitar rat-in-a-cage stuff out of his system and now he’s ready to lay down some roots, buy a Casio keyboard, and ruin his legacy for millions of fans.
“Gish” is not the reason you like the Smashing Pumpkins. You didn’t even know “Gish” was a thing until 1994. You bought this album because the local radio station was playing a song called “Drown” and you had to have it. You already owned “Siamese Dream,” and the record store only had one other Pumpkins album…”Gish.” You got the album home, put it in your boombox…and waited…and waited. An hour later, in a moment of pure rage, you looked at the track list only to find that “Drown” isn’t on this album you idiot. It’s actually on the “Singles” soundtrack, a movie you’ve never even seen, even though the movie poster was hanging on your dorm room wall.
Double albums are the musical equivalent of a threesome. They’re usually the brainchild of the one person who’s least equipped to handle this sort of thing. I’m sure it started one evening with a semi-sober Corgan wearing a turtleneck and saying “You know what would be really hot…” The band went on to make 28 tracks of pure excess scattered across two CDs. It showcased the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly of everyone involved. And of course, the end result of all good double albums, much like a threesome, was a messy breakup and a mattress you will never get that smell out of. But, was it worth it? Probably. The album is heavy and soft, fast and slow, introspective and frivolous, it’s everything this band was capable of…good, bad, and ugly.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. If you really want to seem like an intellectual Pumpkins fan, just claim that “Machina” is really their best album. Cite its deeper lyrics, its binding concept, its varying texture, and that sweet ass riff at the beginning of “The Everlasting Gaze.” True Pumpkins fans will give you a simple nod to express their mutual understanding. Lesser Pumpkins fans will come at you like a cornered possum…either way, you will be both respected and feared.
Ok, this compilation of outtakes and b-sides must have ‘Drown’ on it, right? Wrong. This collection of stuff not good enough to be on “Gish” and “Siamese Dream” has really only one song you actually want: a cover of “Landslide.” I’m not exactly sure, but it seems to me that Billy sang this song even higher than Stevie Nicks did. This is either a testament to Billy’s vocal range, or a testament to how much cocaine Nicks did in the ’70s which resulted in her husky yet feathery voice.
This is why you’re here right? You wanted to verify that “Siamese Dream” is #1. You wanted to make sure it wasn’t rated below “Adore” or god forbid “Machina II” just to get clicks. As you scrolled through this list, you actually became visibly stressed that I might play the wildcard and put this album at #2…or maybe even #3. Once you hit Adore at #4, you actually started to sweat. I can see it….you’re still not sure what my intention is right now. I’m in your head…at any moment, I could drop a compilation or a live album. I fucking own you right now.
