PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Local moron Griff Bradshaw made frequent frustrated attempts to gain entry to the venue bathroom you were, unity recently, peacefully defecating in, confirmed sources who also wish you would hurry up a little.
“I wanted to use the bathroom, but it’s like the door is jammed or something. I tried pushing on it really hard, but the handle seems stuck or something. Normally the handle moves and I’m able to walk right in, but today it’s all jammed up and I’m about to piss my jeans ” sputtered Bradshaw, in between strained yanks of the door handle. “I don’t understand. This is definitely where the toilet lives, I know it is. I had two Monster Energy drinks before show so if I don’t get in there soon I’m going to have to go in the sink behind the bar again.”
Attempts to enter the Indigo Room’s only lavatory increased in frequency and desperation as the seconds ticked by.
“If it doesn’t open the first time, that means it’s locked,” you exclaimed after the fourth time the door handle rattled fitfully. “What do you think if you try it again it’s going to magically unlock? Somebody’s in here, and you’ll just have to wait. What’s so hard to understand about that? Now I have stage fright knowing there’s probably a line outside stretching all the way to the bar and I’m going to have to look them all in the eye. And it’s going to stink pretty bad in here for them and I have no one else to blame it on.”
Washroom access has been a recurring issue, according to venue management, but a solution remains elusive.
“I can’t count the number of deadbolts I’ve had to replace over the years from wear and tear,” said venue owner Michael Renzoni. “We have this problem nearly every show. Some people just can’t wrap their heads around the concept of a locked door, I guess. At this point, I’m considering bringing in a few port-o-johns to up our toilet access. At least those say ‘occupied’ when someone’s in there. I’m hoping that will clear up some of the confusion.”
At press time, Bradshaw was seen asking another concertgoer standing outside the bathroom if they were waiting for the bathroom.