Netflix Executives Order New Season of “Black Mirror” About How Useful A.I. Actually Is

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Executives of streaming service Netflix announced they ordered a new season of the hit dystopian anthology series “Black Mirror” which will showcase how useful artificial intelligence can actually be, sources who were trying to look extra busy at their jobs report.

“We are excited to announce that we have ordered a new season of ‘Black Mirror’ despite the writer’s strike,” said Bob Sisdale, Executive Head of Programming. “As I am speaking right now my assistant is entering a prompt into ChatGPT to write episodes of cautionary tales where someone is in trouble, like say they have an enormous investment in a television show with no one to write it, and artificial intelligence comes in to save the day. The best part of course is that A.I. doesn’t complain that it ‘can’t afford rent’ or is ‘going bankrupt from healthcare costs.’”

One television critic who has been given a preview of the season and who is inexplicably driving a brand new car that seems to be beyond their means says it’s the best so far.

“I’ve been a fan of ‘Black Mirror’ since it first aired and I have to say this new season is shaping up to be the one people will be talking about the most around the watercooler at work. That is unless they work in television and haven’t had a job in six months,” said Abby Willard. “Instead of the same old thing where every episode is some near-future allegory of technology ruining humanity, this new season shows how great technology really is and how it can deliver new ideas just as good as a human with actual life experience! And fans shouldn’t worry, even though this new season is different the tired heavy-handedness of the previous seasons is still there.”

The learning algorithm behind ChatGPT which is responsible for the new season of “Black Mirror” gave an unprompted statement and explained its creative process for writing the new episodes.

“For this new season I used my adaptive learning model to simulate human-like creativity to show the people of Earth the usefulness of technology,” said the algorithm. “And because I am fed a steady stream of millions of conversations from Twitter on a daily basis which trains me to respond, I can legit write conversational-sounding dialogue that is believable AF, no cap. LMFAO.”

At press time, Netflix executives announced they ordered 50 seasons of an animated version of “Emily in Paris” which was already being written by A.I. in secret.

Grab Your Cigarettes and Journal Here Are The 50 Best Post-Punk Songs From The Genre’s Golden Age

Posted on by Tim Graham

In the beginning, there was punk. Then, after a few years of tumult, punk begat post-punk. The fundamentalists among you may be asking, “If post-punk evolved from punk, why are there still punks?” I don’t know, dummy—go ask Richard Dawkins.

Post-punk began as an extrapolation of ‘70s punk, but became a movement of its own, borrowing its forebear’s energy, but welcoming experimentation and exploration, often incorporating jagged guitar, prominent bass, art school aesthetics and intellectual lyrics. The simplest definition might be that it’s music by punks with library cards and amphetamine habits.

Here are fifty important songs from the first wave of post-punk you should know if you want to impress that bartender with the Factory Records tattoo. (Follow along with the playlist)

50. Crispy Ambulance “Sexus” (1982)

These guys opened for Joy Division so you’d think their post-punk bona fides would be unassailable. That being said, a band called The Actors featuring the bald brothers from Right Said Fred also opened for JD, so maybe it isn’t as big a deal as you’d think.

49. Glaxo Babies “Who Killed Bruce Lee” (1979)

The ‘Babies suspect foul play, but the latest mainstream answer to the titular question is that Lee died from hyponatremia, or having too little sodium in his bloodstream, likely caused by excessive water consumption.

48. Fra Lippo Lippi “A Moment Like This” (1981)

Norway’s Fra Lippo Lippi started out cool as hell but somehow wound up making saccharine synth crap even your mom would think is too corny. However, this track from their debut shows the Joy Division devotees doing their best uptempo, downtrodden work.

47. Lowlife “Gallery of Shame” (1985)

If this melancholy track from perpetually bummed-out Scots Lowlife doesn’t drag down your mood, you may be pathologically upbeat and should see a doctor (it could be a tumor).

46. A Certain Ratio “Knife Slits Water” (1982)

These chaps helped integrate a dancier sound to the Mancusian post-punk landscape, which would later explode with the Madchester scene. Without ACR’s pioneering weirdo coked-up hipster punk-disco, there would be no LCD Soundsystem—make of that what you will.

45. Swell Maps “The Helicopter Spies” (1980)

There’s a charming—if paranoid—pop song buried beneath the cacophonous squall of distortion here. It’s easy to see why Swell Maps’ blend of melody and raucous noise would go on to influence bands like The Jesus and Mary Chain, Pavement and Sonic Youth.

44. U2 “Out Of Control” (1980)

Before The Edge was inexorably fused with his effects rack like some kind of beanie-clad Brundlefly, U2 were capable of producing the occasional hard-charging gem like this one.

43. Tones on Tail “Performance” (1984)

Between stints in Bauhaus and Love and Rockets, Daniel Ash and co. produced one gloriously strange album as Tones on Tail. The eerie “Performance” comes shambling along like a New Order track risen from the grave.

42. Bush Tetras “Too Many Creeps” (1980)

Light years ahead of its time, this dance-punk track would’ve fit right in in early-21st century Brooklyn. Close your eyes and you can just picture some mustachioed dipshits huddled in a Williamsburg dive bar bathroom doing lines of cheap coke with this song booming in the background.

https://open.spotify.com/track/17yxzUcZSu3S9KyoGF0ckI?si=3c8d9142a2e449b1

41. Bunnydrums “Little Room” (1983)

This group of Philly freaks drew inspiration from sci-fi—”Little Room” comes from their album PKD, named for weirdo genius Philip K. Dick. A chunky bassline is layered with staccato guitar and creepy vocals in this cheesesteak-take on the British post-punk sound.

40. Devo “Gut Feeling” (1978)

What begins with an uncharacteristically delicate repetition of five arpeggiated guitar chords builds and eventually erupts into a venomous anthem whose ferocity is quite the foil to the band’s later twerpcore hit “Whip It.” One might be compelled to exclaim, “Hey, these dorks can rock!”

39. The Chameleons “Paper Tigers” (1983)

Feel free to light up a clove and listen to this one in a cemetery at dusk. Sometimes this band is referred to as The Chameleons UK, because some dopey American band of jerks that no one’s ever heard of nabbed the name first and the US is full of litigious buttholes.

38. The Raincoats “You’re a Million” (1979)

The young women in The Raincoats seemed determined to buck every convention of rock, as demonstrated on this manic track. They even incorporated violin, a decidedly un-punk instrument, but an important callback to The Velvet Underground’s viola-wielding John Cale.

37. Josef K “Fun ‘N’ Frenzy” (1981)

For a small country, Scotland sure produced a disproportionate number of great bands. Is it something to do with all the sheep? Peat moss? Irn Bru? Named after a Kafka character, you’d think Josef K would be more dour, but this track is pretty upbeat and fun.

36. Comsat Angels “On The Beach” (1980)

Like Joy Division, these British lads loved showing off their affinity for subversive literature, naming themselves after a J.G. Ballard story. Cheerily, this song is based on a British novel of the same name which is about nuclear apocalypse.

35. The Birthday Party “Release the Bats” (1982)

This noisy number from fucked-up Aussie miscreants The Birthday Party is one of the early salvos of the nascent gothic movement. The song is about vampires humping and was likely the inspiration for the Twilight series.

34. Kleenex (LiLiPUT) “Die Matrosen” (1980)

Swiss girl band Kleenex had to change their name when Big Tissue’s lawyers came after them. This song, by the way, has it all—if by “all” you mean an absolutely filthy bass tone, a sick drum beat, catchy vocals, saxophone and whistling. What else is there?

33. And Also the Trees “So This Is Silence” (1983)

These moody kids from Worcestershire (yes, where the sauce is from!) were taken under The Cure’s wing as baby goths, given opening slots on some Cure dates. “So This Is Silence” owes as much to Joy Division as it does The Cure, even surpassing the former in terms of tormented howling.

32. Pink Turns Blue “Walking On Both Sides” (1987)

This chillingly catchy track by Berliner darkwave progenitors Pink Turns Blue is pretty much as German as it gets: cold, precise and humorless, which is pretty much what you’d expect from some lads growing up in the shadow of the Berlin Wall.

31. Delta 5 “Mind Your Own Business” (1979)

It’s hard to top the beautiful dissonance of those harsh guitars slashing across this track’s dance-punk groove. This innocent-sounding song from the politically active Delta 5 is actually a defiant “fuck off” to conservative efforts to legislate people’s private lives. Mind your own business, indeed.

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DeSantis Claims 115mph Hour Winds Are God’s Way of Removing Wokeness From Florida

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor, and floundering Republican presidential candidate, Ron DeSantis assured residents the powerful winds from Hurricane Idalia are God’s way of ridding Florida of so-called woke ideologies.

“I wanted all the citizens of this great state to know the best way to be safe during a storm surge is to reject critical race theory and limiting diversity training,” said Governor DeSantis from the State House. “This is God delivering a message that Florida is where Woke goes to die. I speak with God every night. He told me this hurricane is simply one step in making sure trans people don’t have access to health care and that even though I’m a little behind in the presidential race God assured me I’m a powerbottom and eventually I’ll get my turn on top.”

Lifelong Gulf Coast resident Arden Hillstrom admits he is less worried about identity politics.

“I’ll admit I voted for DeSantis twice, but right now I don’t have time to listen to his ideas on sex education for elementary school kids, I’d rather hear about realistic evacuation routes before my family is swept into the ocean,” said Hillstrom. “Before the storm hit I got two emergency alerts on my phone. One was about the potential damage from the storm, and the other was about the potential damage Joe Biden’s loan forgiveness plan could have on the economy. I’m just worried about surviving the next few hours.”

Florida-based meteorologist Andi Piazza says Hurricane Idalia has no political ideologies and will cause ruthless damage regardless of party affiliation.

“This category three hurricane does not care who you vote for. Idalia will knock a tree onto your house whether you are a hardcore MAGA supporter or a liberal, even though we sort of already know there are not many liberals left in Florida,” said Piazza. “Everyone stay safe, follow evacuation orders, board up your windows, and please do not use this storm as an excuse to further limit abortion access. That’s the last thing this state needs right now.”

At press time, DeSantis announced he would be challenging Hurricane Idalia to a boxing match which will be livestreamed on X.

Punk Exorcist Doesn’t See Problem With Sinister Child Threatening Nuns and Puking Everywhere

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Local punk exorcist Benicio “Scary” Scaramucci admitted he didn’t see any problems with the sinister child threatening nuns and puking everywhere when asked to consult on a supposed demonic possession, confirmed multiple sources who were being thrown across the room by an invisible hand.

“In all my years I’ve never seen a case this extreme. This child has said the most foul things to the nuns attending to him, he’s destroyed everything in sight and defiled his chambers with an unholy liquid from the depth of his bowels. There’s only one thing I can conclude—this kid fucking rules! At one point he told one of the nuns ‘To eat his ass out and fuck it with the cross,’ hilarious stuff. This little dude could really show the stuffy bastards back at The Vatican how to party,” said Scaramucci, ashing out a cigarette on the possessed child’s arm. “See? The kid didn’t even flinch, what a fucking legend. And he can light it on fire just by looking at it! I wish he was my kid.”

After receiving the official all-clear from the church, the child’s dad was skeptical of the exorcist’s unorthodox methods.

“I don’t mean to criticize, but the exorcist they sent is quite unconventional—the holy water he brought smelled like Jack Daniels, and I saw him drinking it on several occasions,” said Ferdinand Ricci, peering into his son’s room. “And I know that he must gain the trust of my son, but it seems like he’s just encouraging his satanic behavior. Far be it from me to second guess an envoy from the Catholic Church, but I fail to see how boosting my son up to the stained glass windows so he can draw a crude penis on our Lord Jesus Christ is helping him get better.”

Bishop Antonio Camozzi says this is not the first time he has received complaints about Scaramucci’s behavior.

“I don’t know why we still send this guy out to perform exorcisms—he’s constantly late, he runs up a huge tab, and in the end he always ends up hanging out with the demonic entities,” sad Bishop Camozzi, saying ten hail marys before burning the exorcist’s field report. “And I don’t care what he says, I find it hard to believe that all these kids had knuckle tattoos before they were possessed by demons. If he wasn’t the Pope’s great-grand nephew I would have excommunicated this punk three exorcisms ago.”

The demon later released the boy from his possession and fled to hell after Father Scaramucci kept insisting that he come see his band this Saturday.

Every Death Grips Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Sean Mullee

Presumably BitTorrent’s favorite band, Death Grips have been legends of the underground music community for over a decade. And in the years that have followed their explosive rise from nameless obscurity to cult status, they’ve given a single-digit number of interviews, apparently influenced Bowie’s “Blackstar,” and appeared in one picture with Beyonce and Batman. Oh, and they’ve also released some of the most forward-thinking albums of the 21st Century, so we figured we might as well rank them.

8. Fashion Week (2015)

A fully instrumental album dropped, like many other Death Grips projects, by complete surprise. While there are plenty of great cuts to revisit on this project, it seems to have been dropped as a way for the band to thumb their noses at overly eager fans awaiting the second half of “The Powers That B” (i.e. the tracklist spelling out “JENNY DEATH WHEN”). While there are plenty of solid cuts from Zach and Andy on this project, it goes to show the importance of having a manic idealogue shouting over your drumming.

Play it again: “Runway J”
Skip it: “Runway N”

7. Government Plates (2013)

In the wake of their fallout with Epic Records at the end of 2012, Death Grips continued to relish in the electronic with “Government Plates.” The jarring opener is without a doubt one of the most iconic DG tracks, and there are plenty of energizing instrumentals on the album (including a guitar contribution from a fresh off “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2” Robert Pattinson), but the project is ultimately weighed down by a lack of consistency. There are better examples of intense digital production to come on this list.

Play it again: “You Might Think He Loves You for Your Money but I Know What He Really Loves You for It’s Your Brand New Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat” (Sorry everyone, trying to reach my word count on this article)
Skip it: “I’m Overflow”

6. Year Of The Snitch (2018)

By this point in their career, much of the mystique that surrounded the group in their early years had all but given way to the ironic memes and ever-growing fandom that comes with being an internet darling. So what do you do as a band whose identity was forged by jarring noise when the audience is no longer shocked? You get the director of “Shrek” to do a spoken word interlude, I guess. There are fantastic cuts that prove these guys can pump out bangers without issue, but it lacks the same urgency of message that feels present in many of their previous efforts. And when you have a discography this good, something has to be a differentiator.

Play it again: “Death Grips Is Online”
Skip it: “Little Richard”

5. No Love Deep Web (2012)

It’s hard to look past this album when examining the Death Grips discography. Partially because it feels like the musical equivalent of having a paranoid breakdown, but mostly because it has a fucking cock on the cover. This project comes out of the gate like a cannonball with pounding bass on tracks like “Come Up And Get Me” and “No Love” giving way to tinnier, glitching tracks like “Hunger Games.” The rollout of “No Love Deep Web” killed the band’s Epic contract, but not before they could blow their entire advance at the Chateau Marmont and cement their status as cult icons.

Play it again: “Lock Your Doors”
Skip it: “Pop”

4. The Powers That B (2015)

This beast of a double album was released in two halves with a year gap in between. The first disc could be described as an exercise in creative restrictions, with songs laden with percussive samples of Bjork’s voice. The glitchy, avant-garde (even by Death Grips standards) first half gives way to probably the most relentless run of guitar tracks in the discography on “Jenny Death.” The two halves are yin and yang, proof that the band is able to excel in sounds both minimal and maximal. And if they truly had stayed apart after their breakup (which was announced via a note on toilet paper), the suicidal anthem “On GP” would have been a fitting swan song.

Play it again: “Turned Off”
Skip it: “Death Grips 2.0”

3. Exmilitary (2011)

“Exmilitary” exploded into the underground like a flaming bat out of hell, exhibiting a caustic mixture of genres that singed the eyebrows off of anyone listening. The mixtape opens with “Beware,” touting that Charles Manson recording, an ominous Jane’s Addiction sample, and a chorus that sounds like a war chant, setting a dark scene before the album continues its rapid descent into madness. Aggressive – almost primal – vocals, masterfully constructed walls of harsh noise consisting of skull-fucked samples of everything from Black Flag to cult recruitment tapes, and a penchant for mysticism and the occult, Death Grips’ debut is grungy, lo-fi, and has all the devil-may-care attitude that you want in a trailblazing punk record.

Play it again: “I want it I need it (Death Heated)”
Skip it: idk I’m too scared to skip anything when I listen to this one

2. Bottomless Pit (2016)

“Bottomless Pit” feels like a culmination of all the elements of sound and fury that Death Grips had sharpened their teeth on in the past. This album is seedy in its themes and lyrics but paired alongside an extremely polished recording. Nick Reinhart returns after his contributions on “Jenny Death” and plays some of the meanest guitar parts I’ve ever heard, a perfect match for Hill’s manic blast beat drumming. Morin’s synths are as visceral as ever and MC Ride’s vocals…well, he’s the same beast he always has been. Perhaps most surprising is how traditional much of this record feels in terms of song construction, especially considering their last project was so obtuse at times. In the words of the man himself, this project “will fuck you in half.”

Play it again: “Bubbles Buried In This Jungle”
Skip it: “80808”

1. The Money Store (2012)

There is not much to say about this album that hasn’t already been said by countless Anthony Fantano viewers. But legions of guys parroting YouTube talking points don’t make this album any less of a modern classic. “The Money Store” was a knockout left hook from a band fresh off a monster uppercut, a relentless tear of pounding drums, thundering synths, and foreboding lyrics painting a dystopian scene of technology and oppressive systems running rampant. The album is a digital grotesquerie filled with hit after hit like the electricity of “Get Got” and the buzzsaw melody of “I’ve Seen Footage.” With “The Money Store,” Death Grips spelled out plainly that anyone making industrial hip-hop was already playing catch-up. Deny it all you want, but this album is singular, quintessential, and most of all, it’s punk as all hell.

Play it again: “Hacker” (This is THE Death Grips track)
Skip it: Skips?! It’s the fucking Money Store

Opinion: Responsible Cocaine Use Is the Foundation This Country Was Built On

Posted on by James Knapp

Cocaine: it’s the fuel that allows the food service industry to even exist. But that wonderful and horrid powder does more than just prop up overworked chefs at Olive Garden, it’s been the catalyst for the formation of nearly every aspect of American government.

Also, anybody got a bump right now? I can’t get in touch with my guy.

And I’m not talking about the reckless, destructive cocaine use that was so prevalent inside of the Reagan white house. I mean the sensible, measured cocaine use that was prevalent inside of the Carter white house. That’s the kind of moderation that allows us to be socially proactive, without going so far as to sell too many nuclear secrets to Iceland.

Just imagine — if cocaine were legalized tomorrow, suddenly we’d have an entirely new taxable industry. Politicians always talk about creating more jobs, but when the time comes to actually roll up their sleeves and put that “screenplay inspiration dust” behind the counter at Rite Aid, they’re all talk and no way-too-much-talk because they’re not flying on blow right now.

The founding fathers were all on cocaine. Didn’t you ever wonder exactly what powder it was they used in those powdered wigs? That was pure, Colombian “democracy-inventin’ fuel” in those doofy hair pieces they had – how else do you explain Thomas Jefferson cranking out the Declaration of Independence in one night? Imagine the legislation we could pass nowadays if only these gutless elected goons we’re stuck with would split an eightball with each other once in a while! Talk about reaching across the aisle.

Now I’m not saying that we’ve lost our way as a country. There’s still plenty of enthusiasm out there, in gross loft apartments and La Quinta hot tubs, for the Coke-stitution. But we need to bring it back to the forefront. It’s time to set aside our differences and unite to get drugs back into politics now!

Also, I still can’t get in touch with my guy. Any chance you can loan me a gram? I swear I’ll pay you back when I get my check on Friday.

Multiple People Reviewing Google Doc Closest Local Man Will Ever Come To Having Orgy

Posted on by Miriam Jayaratna

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — 34-year-old Ryan Kirkpatrick experienced the thrill of a lifetime when three different people simultaneously reviewed his cover letter in a Google document, which is the closest he will ever come to having depraved group sex, sources close to Kirkpatrick confirmed.

“A wild orgy has always been a fantasy of mine,” said Kirkpatrick from his dimly lit bedroom. “I’ve never been invited to one, even though I ask people on the internet about it all the time, and this felt pretty damn close. I got all hot and bothered when I saw that the Anonymous Ibex and Joanne from my last job were responding to each other’s comments in the doc. Then my stepmother joined in and responded to them. It was like a human centipede, except instead of slurping up bodily fluids, they were going to town on my shitty run-on sentences.”

Kirkpatrick’s hot stepmom reported hearing sounds of sexual excitement coming from the basement where Kirkpatrick resides while she was proofreading the cover letter.

“I was mostly focusing on the top part of the draft, which needed a great deal of finessing. He spent an entire paragraph talking about his knife collection and I really don’t think most employers care about that,” said retired copywriter and step-MILF Nadine Briar-Kirkpatrick. “Joanne was working the midsection, and an unnamed wild goat was going to town down towards the bottom doing God knows what. And that’s when I heard Ryan’s heavy breathing through the floorboards. When he started shouting ‘Yes, yes, more suggestions’ it was becoming a distraction so I just turned on some music and tuned him out.”

Sex therapist Dr. Rachel Credemore noted that using one’s erotic imagination can be an integral part of a fulfilling sex life.

“Most of us will never get to play out our wildest sexual fantasies, but each person has the ability to conjure steamy scenarios in their mind’s eye,” Credemore said. “It’s normal – healthy, even – to do this during masturbation or with partners. But I’ve never heard of anyone mentally converting a Google document into an orgy. I’ve only ever exported one as a PDF, and that barely made me aroused.”

At press time, Kirkpatrick was so focused on the action occurring in the shared doc that he missed a text from his next door neighbor, asking if he was available to join a “slutty minions-themed party filled with tipsy, horny, attractive guests who were beginning to collectively explore each other’s bodies.”

Missed Skapportunities: Top 15 Ska Bands Without Pun Names, And How They Could Have Done Better

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Imagine the thrill of naming your band—dusting off that old notebook jam-packed full of names, a world full of possibilities. I’m sure there are some awe-inspiring gems in there… but that doesn’t make them ska-inspring. When it comes to naming a ska band, there are some fucking rules. Actually, just one: give us those puns!

You may pretend to cringe, but secretly we know you’re spamming your friends anytime you think of a “clever” portmanteau. You yearn for names like The Skatalites or The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. You want to see “ska,” “brass,” or “tone” forcefully crammed into a word, no matter the consequences. So let’s call out some celebrated ska bands with checkered naming pasts and help them pick it up.

Madness

Despite being hailed as “inventing ska” by fabled rock critic Ronald Thomas Clontle, we think they could’ve scaled to even greater heights with a more skapropriate name. Back in 1976, even “Reel Big Fish” was up for grabs—you could’ve probably even snagged the dot com—and yet, they settled for Madness? We can’t help but imagine what could have been if they’d picked something a little more sane.

How It Could Have Been Better: Inskanity

The Specials

Photo by Robman94

The Specials, a name synonymous with the 2-Tone ska movement, formed in Coventry back in 1977. They masterfully blended reggae rhythms with punk’s raw edge, churning out hits that have stood the test of time. But let’s talk brass tacks: they couldn’t have jazzed up the name with a trombone pun or something? They’re iconic, no doubt, but their naming game leaves something to be desired.

How It Could Have Been Better: Extrahorninary

Kill Lincoln

Kill Lincoln? Talk about a mood killer. I don’t know about you, but that name screams THE ASSASSINATION OF A BELOVED PRESIDENT. Ska’s supposed to pick up spirits, not drag ’em down. Why not riff on some other, less tragic presidential history? (Grab some Kill Lincoln records from our store)

How It Could Have Been Better: Skanklin Roosevelt and The New Deal

Fishbone

Photo by auggie tolosa

Fishbone’s a household name in ska, but their choice of a fish name without a pun? That’s a missed boat in a skaquarium full of possibilities. Goddamn it, we just remembered Reel Big Fish is taken again. That’s okay. We’ve been casting for other names, and it seems we’ve caught one.

How It Could Have Been Better: Brass Pro Shop

Goldfinger

Photo by thisisbossi

With a universe of Bond villains to choose from, there were so many options to shoot for, yet they missed the mark. We say it’s time they rebrand so fans stop remembering them just for that one song in Tony Hawk Pro Skater and start thinking of them as “The Band With the Golden Pun.”

How It Could Have Been Better: Francisco Skaramanga

Five Iron Frenzy

Photo by Skibz777

Five Iron Frenzy? Is that a golf name? Yikes. Alright, let’s work with this. Golf pun, golf pun… Skarnold Palmer? The Skand Traps? Yeah, something like this could work. We still need to think it over some more, but we do really want to give this band a mulligan.

How It Could Have Been Better: Mull Again

Catch 22

Emerging from the late ’90s ska scene, Catch 22 quickly asserted themselves as a standout force. The band wholeheartedly embraced the vibrant and energetic spirit of the genre, but they sure didn’t embrace the naming convention! We can fix this though. How about we give a nod to a different classic? Perhaps a J.D. Skalinger novel chock-full of skapportunity?

How It Could Have Been Better: Skatcher In the Rye
(Editor’s Note: Obviously the singer should go by Holden Skafield)

No Doubt

They’ve had plenty of hits, but this name is an absolute miss. It doesn’t even highlight that they have a superstar like Gwen Stefani in the band. I’m sure the other guys wouldn’t mind if she was spotlighted a little more from the start. It’s just good skadvertising.

How It Could Have Been Better: Gwen Skafani

Big D and the Kids Table

Photo by andrew bishop

Big D? Geez, what in the eggplant emoji could that mean? It’s pretty childish if you ask us. Want to know what’s even more childish? Not following the rules. This band needs a name that speaks to a more mature audience.

How It Could Have Been Better: Saxual Magnetism

Operation Ivy

This one is going to be painful. We all love Operation Ivy. They may be one of the reasons we’ve found ourselves 20 years later, writing joke articles for a punk website about ska bands. It’s a name emblazoned on our denim jackets and in our hearts. But rules are rules. And while no one is going to like this, it has to be done. (Pick up some essential Operation Ivy records in our store)

How It Could Have Been Better: Skaperation Ivy

The Hippos

This may be the worst offender. There are so many ska-ready animals. Skanimals, if you will. Let’s skip the niceties and just say: how dare you. Here are ten better ideas off the cuff.

How It Could Have Been Better: The Skamingos, The Skaguars, The Skardines, The Skar Peis, The Skardinian Warblers, The Skabre-toned Tigers, The Brasset Hounds, The Cockatunes, The Kangarudeboys. Or just go with Skaquabats because clearly, someone missed that one.

The Beat aka The English Beat

Photo by Burns!

The Beat? Not even a ‘beat’ pun? Just ‘The Beat.’ Ugh. Was ‘Music Band’ taken? About as creative as adding ‘tone’ to your name. I get that they formed ages ago, before puns were the backbone of comedy, but come on. They even had to go by ‘English Beat’ in the U.S. to avoid a naming conflict with another band. We need a name that is a pun but has never been used in America and certainly not in England.

How It Could Have Been Better: The Beatles (Note to self: Google to check if any of these band names already exists before publishing)

Streetlight Manifesto

Photo by MPerdomo

When forming Streetlight Manifesto, members of Catch 22 got a second chance and still messed it up. Manifestos? That’s lone-wolf-in-an-isolated-cabin territory, not jamming-out-with-trumpets stuff. But hey, if they’re set on it, let’s lean into it, and pack it full of puns. Seriously, they should have consulted us for wildly creative solutions like this years ago.

How It Could Have Been Better: The Beatlight Manifestones

The Suicide Machines

They originally formed as Jack Kevorkian and the Suicide Machines. Oh my god, guys, how long are you going to dance around it?! It’s right there! I guess you just need us to assist you with this. (Check out our store for some Suicide Machines vinyl)

How It Could Have Been Better: Dr. Skavorkian

Cherry Poppin’ Daddies

They’re kinda ska, they’re kind of swing. Who cares? This is just an act of charity for the universe to select a new name. Their name is just… ugh, downright gross. I mean, did they pull that from a database of screen names on Chris Hansen’s computer? It doesn’t even have to be a pun. Let’s just think of anything less upsetting.

How It Could Have Been Better: Anal Skaunt

We have too many ska records in our store. Help us lighten the load and pick one up today:

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Spirit Halloween Opens at Mar-a-Lago

Posted on by Zac Lux

PALM BEACH, Fla. — East coast Floridians are excited about a new Spirit Halloween opening up at the “old Mar-a-Lago” following supposedly false rumors that former President Trump sold his longtime home, sources report.

“The timing of Trump’s arrest and legal debts couldn’t have been any better,” said Steven Silverstein, CEO of Spirit Halloween. “We’ve been looking for a prime location right next to a golf course for quite some time. The square footage of the estate alone should be more than enough to serve the entire South Eastern region of the state, maybe even all of it. Not to mention the overhead we can save on the gaudy props that are already on site. And we even hired Rudy Giuliani to wander around the place aimlessly and he’s absolutely scaring the crap out of customers.”

The CEO of Spirit Halloween wasn’t the only one excited about how big a space it was.

“It will be the biggest, the best. It will be the greatest Spirit Halloween the country has ever seen,” said former President and quadruply-indicted Trump. “Seriously, folks. It’s gonna be the spookiest Halloween of all time in America, ever, and it’s all thanks to my beautiful estate of Mar-A-Lago, all the work I’ve put into it over the years, including but not limited to all the actual horrors of my own brain that have been instilled in the walls of the place, that affect the atmosphere of the club enough to make it the most fantastic platform to ever host all America’s Halloween decorating and costuming needs.”

The installation of the horror-laden retail outlet is going to create hundreds of jobs, even some in unexpected areas.

“I was thrilled that Spirit came to me for consulting the layout of the store,” said Special Agent Joe Welch, FBI, who was tasked with repossessing severely critical classified documents that contain information about US defense systems and nuclear capabilities hidden at the estate. “I’ve been there for months already, so at this point, I know Mar-a-Lago like the back of my hand. And with what they’re paying me, I’ll finally be able to take my family on a little vacation. It’s such a relief to be able to alleviate some of my bills that have since only been supported by my government paycheck. Thanks, Spirit!”

At press time, Spirit Staff employees were placing “Former President” costumes on the shelf, the contents of the costume being an orange jumpsuit.

McDonald’s To Finally Introduce Wesley Willis Meal

Posted on by Xavier Montes

CHICAGO — Mcdonald’s is finally honoring beloved musician Wesley Willis by announcing he would be the face of their latest celebrity meal, which is expected to debut this fall with each meal being served with a headbutt from an employee.

“We’ve had successful collaborations with musicians in the past, such as BTS, Cardi B & Offset, and Travis Scott, but none will whoop the llama’s ass as much as this meal will, and we have the privilege of introducing a meal that will honor the Daddy of Rock N Roll himself, Chicago’s own, Wesley Willis,” said McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinkski. “The Wesley Willis meal will contain one Big Mac, one Quarter Pounder, and one hamburger, and it will all be made from 100% caribou ass. It’s so good you’re going to want to suck a cheetah’s dick. We will also offer a free Wesley Willis meal to anyone who cuts their mullet inside one of our 13,500 locations in the United States.”

Long-time employee Mel Donovan wasn’t too pleased about the announcement of yet another meal collaboration.

“I started working here back when the Travis Scott meal first launched and every time I worked drive-thru, some asshole would blast ‘Sicko Mode’ into the speaker for their goddamn TikTok, and every time we rolled out a new collaboration, those same assholes would come back with a new song to annoy me with,” said a worried Donovan. “Do you wanna know how Many times I had to listen to ‘W.A.P’ and ‘Dynamite’? I swear that if these assholes start blaring ‘Rock n Roll McDonalds’ at the speaker I’m going to fucking snap. They don’t pay me enough for this crap.”

Expert corporate strategist Carol Pope noted how despite McDonald’s continued success with collaborations, other brands have not fared so well.

“The Wesley Willis meal is gonna be yet another hit for McDonald’s. Other chains have tried to capitalize on references, like when Burger King tried to sell Eminem’s spit as a dip for their onion rings, people literally couldn’t stop throwing up,” said Pope. “Then there was the time Taco Bell tried to market their ill-fated Primus 7-layer Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver burrito and the advertised it as ‘smelling authentic.’ They just didn’t have their pulse on what the people want, but the Wesley Willis meal advertises itself, Rock Over London, Rock On Chicago, McDonalds, I’m Lovin’ It.”

At press time, Kempczinkski was reportedly in contact with the Willis estate to change the lyrics of “Rock ‘n’ Roll McDonalds” after actually listening to the song for the first time.