BANGOR, Maine — The Ghost of Downing Manor was reportedly feeling pressure to be “on” and haunt the family that just moved into his house despite not really being in the mood to entertain guests, paranormal sources confirmed.
“It’s not that I don’t enjoy scaring the shit out of people, but I just drove the last family out of the house screaming a couple days ago and I was hoping to have a little ‘me time’ before I had any more new guests,” said the specter, watching the family unpack through the eye holes of an oil painting. “Nobody understands that it takes a lot of energy to think of creative ways to haunt people—you have to strike the right balance so you scare them enough that they leave, but not so much that they try to find the source of your eternal trauma and banish your soul to purgatory forever. I just need a couple of days to recharge and then I’ll feel mentally prepared to spray ectoplasm out of the shower and drop a chandelier on the table during dinner.”
New homeowner Stuart Barnes was reportedly unimpressed with the apparition’s efforts after scarcely witnessing so much as a door unnaturally slamming shut over the entire weekend.
“I didn’t sell our old house, pack up my family, and move into the infamous ‘Downing Murder House’ just for some sad sack ghost to half-ass his haunting duties,” said Barnes, unscrewing the single hanging light bulb leading to the creepy attic. “This was supposed to be a traumatizing new chapter in our lives that we’d never fully recover from, but this ghost can’t even be bothered to briefly appear in the mirror and then disappear when I turn around. And would it kill him to smear a little blood on the walls? My five-year old isn’t even having any nightmares, and that kid is scared of the Mucinex booger.”
The signs of a haunting were reportedly so slim that Barnes called in a paranormal investigator to determine if there was even a ghost in the house at all.
“This EKG reading barely shows a hint of paranormal activity, confirming my worst fears—this lazy new generation of poltergeists doesn’t even want to haunt anymore!” said ghost hunter Dale Parsons, sweeping the dusty manor for signs of spectral activity. “These modern ghouls are so big on boundaries and flexible haunting hours that they forget the thrill of tormenting a man night after night until they slowly drive them to the brink of madness. Now, if you’re lucky enough to move into a house with a Victorian-era ghost you’ll see some real work ethic—even the creepy child ghosts will ask you to come play with them at all hours of the night. But these lazy ghosts nowadays won’t even rattle a cabinet after 5pm on a Friday.”
At press time, Barnes was reportedly similarly frustrated after a late-night encounter in the woods with a werewolf wearing a “Not Friendly—Do Not Pet!” vest.
We like weird shit as much as the next guy who used to be into hardcore but has somehow lived past the age of 40. But “Gold & Grey” leans a little too hard into the experimental aspect for our taste, and even the kookiest of arrangements can’t hide the fact that the production is awful. Rarely does a layman like ourselves notice stuff like “compression,” but the audio quality of “Gold & Grey” is so crispy that it completely neuters the sprawling compositions Baroness is trying to utilize. This sounds like it’s blowing out the speakers of a 2005 Honda Accord but you’re listening on $500 Bose headphones. Oh well.
This is the entry that will get our home address leaked on the Baroness subreddit. “Purple” wins a lot of popularity contests, and while that is by no means undeserved, there are simply other albums that accomplish a similar sonic goal as this album, but better. We don’t deny that “Shock Me” is an all-time banger, though. That’s your go-to soundtrack for running a crane through your ex’s front door.
The band’s most recent release “STONE” is often considered their “return to form” after the mild mess of “Gold & Grey.” That’s an accurate assessment. “STONE” brings back a kinder, heavier Baroness, complete with some truly top-notch fucking shredding from guitarist Gina Gleason, who also provides backing vocals that somehow match Baizley’s intensity. We genuinely don’t know how she’s doing both of those at the same time when they play live.
Our ranking of “Red Album” just above the halfway mark will likely anger early fans who think they’ve never outdone this album, but also anger newer fans who prefer their more highly-polished works. However, “Red Album” is everything you both want and expect from a metal debut. It’s raw, angry, occasionally super moody, and, importantly, fucking loud. But the only reason this isn’t higher is that somewhat predictably, the record loses steam in the middle third. That’s a rookie mistake we can overlook in exchange for skullcrushers like “Isak.”
Utterly massive double album “Yellow & Green” represents Baroness at their most introspective and emotional. This is the gold medal winning work for soul-crushing lyricism, though–Baizley made us cry with nautical metaphors for drug addiction on “March to the Sea,” and more directly on that topic on “Take My Bones Way” (their most-streamed track on Spotify). Put many of these songs on your “Sad Bangers” playlist.
Baroness’ second album is, pun intended, the blueprint for the rest of their career. Everything they’ve done since has been deviations from the core sound of “Blue Record.” Acoustic interludes between utter ragers? Check. Dual harmonizing guitar leads and shitloads of tom drums? Check. Baizley putting his entire ass into the most emotive and powerful vocals you’ll find this side of the Mason-Dixon line? Check. “Blue” is “Red” that upgraded from a studio apartment to a respectable two-bed, before slowly moving to the suburbs by “Purple.” Pay your respects to the classics with tracks like “A Horse Called Golgotha, “Jake Leg,” and “Swollen and Halo” in particular.
You’d think one of the most beloved DC hardcore bands reuniting with fan-favorite frontman and putting out the first album in ten years would’ve been a huge deal but this mostly went under everyone’s radar. Why? It could be because musically it is a slightly bland retread of their earlier stuff but most likely it’s because Dave Smalley came out with his “Gonzo Conservative Punk” ideology during the height of the Bush-is-a-literal-war-criminal era and alienated their audience. Dag Nasty fans don’t really want to hear about politics and they definitely don’t want to hear how supply-side economics is “actually really punk when you think about it.”
This is basically “Can I Say” originally recorded in 1985 with their first singer Shawn Brown and shelved for decades. I’m probably going to lose punk points for ranking it so low but I have a perfectly valid response: Come onnnn. This is a fine album and if you like “Can I Say” you’ll like this but it’s just not the same with Shawn’s vocals. He would go on to front Swiz which was a much better fit for him.
Remember on “The Simpsons” when Milhouse’s dad got divorced and recorded a demo song “Can I Borrow A Feeling”? There are moments on “Field Day” that sound a lot like that. This might honestly be the weirdest fucking album you will ever listen to. It’s like every genre being played all at once. That said, there are some really outstanding moments, and the instrumentation at times is super catchy even if the vocals sound like they were recorded by someone who didn’t want to wake their parents in the next room.
Their first reunion album after the initial break up with Dave Smalley returning on vocals and Brian Baker taking a break from his questionable decision to form his cringey bar rock band Junkyard. Seems like the band as a whole got out of their system whatever the fuck it was they were attempting to do on “Field Day” and returned with a mostly great album. Arguably their most fun album with a number of songs that seem like they were custom-made for early ‘90s snowboard videos.
The title track is the anthem for the straight edge kids who have to deal with drunk friends at parties and “The Godfather” sounds like the soundtrack to an ‘80s movie training montage for those same kids except instead of training for the big race where they beat the blonde rich kid bully or whatever they are just trying to get past the stage in “Mario Brothers” with all the cannons. Yes, drugs are bad but a steady diet of Coke and Doritos isn’t the clean-living flex you think it is.
You could have a healthy debate about what the greatest melodic hardcore album of all time is. There are a lot you could mention but it would probably come down to Gorilla Biscuits “Start Today” and “Can I Say.” Travis Barker has “Can I Say” tattooed on his chest and not “Start Today” so I’m not sure if that helps the cause or not for this album but Dave Smalley’s earnestness and the sing-alongability not to mention Smalley’s “I walked by you on the street the other day” monologue put this in the hardcore hall of fame for sure.