J.J. Abrams-Directed Episode of Mandalorian Reveals Wait No His Name Actually Is Baby Yoda

Posted on by Collin Preciado

SAN FRANCISCO — The J.J. Abrams helmed season finale of The Mandaorian has revealed that the name of the adorable creature that viewers are fixated on isn’t Grogu at all, but actually Baby Yoda. 

“I was so excited to bring my trademark blend of empty storytelling and dumb ass twists back to the Star Wars universe,” said Abrams. “Some have said revealing Baby Yoda’s name to be Baby Yoda was a slap in the face to how they literally gave him a different name a few episodes ago, but I think I have delivered what fans truly want — a nice snappy name for the character!”

Continuing with a trend that began with last year’s Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker, Lucasfilm walked back the initial Grogu reveal of a few weeks ago after mixed reactions and landed back on the fan favorite name of Baby Yoda as the true given moniker of the series’ breakout inanimate star.  

“It was not an easy choice to make,” said Lucasfilm CEO Katheen Kennedy over a Zoom call with reporters. “But at Lucasfilm we owe it to the fans to always sacrifice artistic integrity for whatever makes us more money and just generally make bonehead decisions about the future of this giant messy franchise.”

Rian Johnson, director of Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi, spoke of his similar experiences after working on an installment of the franchise. 

“They undid everything from my movie, they reneged on my three picture deal, and sent some guy dressed as Mickey Mouse to come to my house and spit in my face,” he said. “My phone rang at that very moment and the voice on the other end said ‘That never happened either,’ and then hung up. I make my pictures with Lionsgate now. ”

As of press time, mixed reactions to the Abrams directed episode has caused Disney to cancel the 10 upcoming Star Wars television series they’d recently announced.

Written by Collin Preciado and the Hard Drive staff.

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Oh, You’re an Empath? Name Three Conversations You’ve Hijacked and Made About Yourself

Posted on by Tyler Dark

Oh, you’re an empath like me? Pshh. Prove it. These days, I hear the word “empath” getting thrown around a lot by people who quite frankly have no idea what the term truly means. An imposter empath will try to tell you it’s about being in tune with, and considerate of, the emotions of others. A true empath knows it’s all about thrusting yourself into the spotlight and making yourself the point of discussion at all costs. If you’re a true empath, you should be able to easily name three times you managed to hijack a conversation and make it about you.

Sure, you might believe in “preserving the welfare of humankind” or “treating others with decency,” but you aren’t really an empath unless you regularly cut people off mid-sentence to tell them about those traits. How can you even say you’re mindful of others if you don’t rudely interrupt everything they say to remind them how mindful you are?

Do you think of your minimal regard for anyone other than yourself as just a good quality? Or do you fully understand, as any real empath would, that it puts you on an almost supernatural plane from which you can condescend to the less enlightened masses?

You see, empaths are like people. But better. Unfortunately, the burden of the empath is to know we are better. So we are tasked with making a point to share that bit of “better” with those who might be preoccupied with trifling matters like financial hardship or mental health crises.

Regular people are just ornaments to decorate an empath’s journey to spiritual transcendence so they should feel lucky to have an empath around to talk over them.

I would say you could work to become a true empath, but honestly, I heard it’s something you inherit from another realm so don’t count on it. Actionless and unsolicited talk about what a deep and caring individual you are is a sign of spiritual divinity and you’re just not there. You listen too much. And I would know because, well, I’m an empath.

Aging Dashboard Confessional Fan Finds His Hair Everywhere

Posted on by Nariko Ott

LOS ANGELES — 35-year-old self-described “Dashboard Confessional superfan” David Calva awoke today to find his male-pattern baldness went into overdrive, leaving his hair everywhere.

“The men in my family go bald pretty early. I always said it wasn’t going to happen to me, so I guess my dad is feeling pretty vindicated right now,” said Calva while trying to decide which kind of “hat guy” he will be. “I’ve been pouring over photographs to see what my hairline looked like back in 2002, and it’s tough to admit that thinning hair has a good hold on my scalp. I’m going to go listen to the saddest songs I can find, sit alone, order some Rogaine, and debate whether hair plugs are a good option for me.”

Calva’s wife Jenny, no stranger to her husband getting emotional, is dreading how he’ll react over the coming days and weeks.

“He’s always been the type of guy who’d rather write you a song on his guitar or mail you a hand-written letter than have an actual conversation about what’s bothering him, so this is going to be bad,” she said while trying to avoid reminding her husband that his favorite albums are over 20 years old. “I blame Chris Carrabba. My husband has always followed Chris’s lead when it comes to hairstyles, and lately, those choices have been a disaster. He can’t dye his hair and cook it with a flat-iron everyday. He’s 35! That stuff takes its wear.”

Social scientists monitoring the aging emo population note that Calva’s story is quite common.

“As the emo, screamo, and emocore demographics enter early middle-age, they’re running into a lot of long-term side effects from their lifestyle,” says, Dr. Emerson Saddlecreek, author of You Can’t Yell Forever: Oldness and the Emo Generation. “Certainly bald and thinning areas in asymmetric hairdos are increasingly showing, but chronic tight pants are causing serious circulatory problems. Worst of all for some — you just start getting weird looks when you go into Hot Topic after a certain age. They’re in for a rude awakening when one day they fall and break a hip, and these Get Up Kids can no longer get up.”

Calva spiraled all over again after realizing his slowing metabolism meant he could no longer fit into his favorite youth large Piebald shirt.

Want more legit emo in your life? Go check out washedupemo.com, listen to the podcast, and buy the book. It makes the perfect gift.

I’m Sorry I Didn’t Respond, I Suck at Communicating and Have No Desire To Ever Change

Posted on by John Danek

Oh my God, I am so sorry that I somehow missed that text! I mean, I didn’t miss it. I saw it within seconds of you sending it because it’s 2020 and we all have the same cell phones. Like, obviously I saw it.

The honest truth is that I am plain ol’ terrible at communication. And me saying it out loud gives me a free pass to continue being a shitty communicator and, more importantly, a shitty friend. I should also let you know that I have no desire to change this aspect of my personality. Ever. Wow, what a weight off my chest!

Sometimes it’s genuinely accidental. You shoot me a text while I’m driving and I see it but I don’t want to text and drive since it’ll pause the video I’m watching. And by the time I get home? Totally forgot. When I realize later, I honestly feel dumb and bad. While, ya know, still not texting you back.

For that, I am sorry. Not sorry enough to change, but definitely enough to tell you about it. That said, there are other times like when you email me and it actually requires some thought and decision-making on my part. Sorry, but no. I will not be responding, but I appreciate you trying! I probably won’t even open it if the subject hints at me having to do something. It will remain in my inbox with the other 15,655 unread emails.

If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty bad at communicating in-person too. Anytime I’m clearly acting bothered by something and someone asks if I want to talk about it, I just grumble, “No, I’m fine.” I never cave. Hell, I’ll even gaslight them with the classic, “Now you’re making this weird.”

In all fairness, I can see how our relationship is frustrating for you. So how about a compromise? What if you work really hard to find better ways to get through to me, and if you do, maybe I’ll respond more. Maybe skywriting will catch my attention? Or perhaps a nice handwritten letter on parchment. Actually, no. Definitely not that.

Tom DeLonge Brainstorming Words That Rhyme With “Monolith”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN DIEGO — Former Blink 182 guitarist Tom DeLonge reportedly spent the last six days brainstorming words that rhyme with “monolith” for a new song about being abducted by aliens, sources close to the paranormal activity advocate confirmed.

“Bono’s myth… remember the fifth… Joseph Smith…” DeLonge allegedly muttered to himself with RhymeZone opened on his MacBook. “Now that the aliens have dropped their first major piece of technology on Earth, I really need to make sure my songwriting is tight. This can’t be some shit about going on a first date or having a crush on a girl — I need to really dig deep and come up with something good, so I can represent all of humanity with my sweet tunes.”

Fans are mostly positive about the prospect of new music from DeLonge.

“It’s cool that Tom is writing again, but I wish he’d go back to his roots and write music about going to parties, or being in college, or going to college parties,” said 38-year-old Blink 182 fan Carl Porter. “I get that artists have to grow up and that their music evolves, but I don’t know… maybe he can meet us halfway, and do a song about going to an alien college party? I just hope that when Tom eventually travels deep into the Arizona desert to touch the mysterious monolith, it gives him the all-knowing energy to rhyme that with ‘gonna shit’ or something.”

Somewhat surprisingly, a CIA operative who refused to reveal their identity and only met with us at odd hours in a parking lot garage confirmed that the government organization is working with Delonge on his new pop-punk alien anthem.

“Mr. DeLonge’s music is incredibly important in our ongoing relationship with extraterrestrial beings,” explained the CIA operative. “People don’t realize that if aliens really have landed on Earth, then we’re about to be going to war. We know Mark Hoppus wrote ‘Adam’s Song,’ but we need someone with the know-how to write something as somber as that to convince all of the aliens to kill themselves. Only Tom has the Blink 182 background and the alien correspondence to come up with something powerful enough to pull that off.”

DeLonge is finalizing the album art for the song, which will feature a drawing of an alien with the monolith as its dick.

No, No, Game Developer Actually Loves Watching Speedrunner Exploit Hundreds of Bugs He Missed

Posted on by Just Lunning

SAN FRANCISCO — Despite the sweat dripping from his forehead while watching his video game be absolutely decimated live on Twitch, game developer Sean McKittrick assured the participants and viewers of speedrunning marathon Blazin’ Fast Games that he actually loves watching speedrunners point out hundreds of bugs that he missed. 

“It’s really not a problem at all. I actually love how enthusiastic these people are about picking apart my hard work,” said McKittrick as the runner twirled his controller’s analog stick and pressed three buttons rendering the main character topless. “Haha, wow, that last trick he just pulled off was pretty unexpected!”

Sources say that McKittrick continued to provide strained laughter over the phone while runners completed his game’s 30-hour campaign in just over an hour. Sources say that despite his unbothered exterior, the feeling of embarrassment was palpable throughout the event.

“At first I thought it was cool to see that guy being a good sport, but eventually I just started to feel bad for him,” said one viewer of the stream who asked to remain anonymous. “You can tell they really blindsided him with just how many glitches they had discovered. You could really start to hear the pain in his voice near the end. At least it was over quickly, they could have dragged it out a lot longer.”

At press time, McKittrick was holding back tears after a bonus donation goal allowed the runners to show off an exploit in the game that could cause the console to catch fire.

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Dad’s Insurance Only Covers Mad Catz Pacemaker

Posted on by Naomi Krause

ARENA, Wis.  — Local father Andrew Nikket has become the first ever recipient of a Mad Catz pacemaker this week, the best he could afford with his job’s health benefit plan.

“There’s no way this is a good thing, right?” asked Nikket’s daughter, Naomi, upon receiving word that her father would be using a third party device to help his heart beat at a normal rate. “I mean I knew his insurance wasn’t great, but the thing was all bulky and covered in stickers. Why would you want something that shitty pumping your blood?”

Nikket’s family has questioned his decision multiple times, but Andrew has insisted that his new peripheral is nothing to worry about. 

“When I was a kid, I had to ride my off brand bike eight miles to school each morning with a helmet that said ‘SONAC THE HEDGEHEG” Nikket explained. “I don’t need any name brand coddling. All pacemakers have bits of plastic rattling around inside all day. That’s just how pacemakers work.”

While public perception of Mad Catz and their products has not been traditionally been positive, the company maintains that they only manufacture quality products. 

“What, you want some pussy ass pacemaker that doesn’t have Turbo Mode?” said Brady Mckenzie, a spokesman for Mad Catz. “If you wanna be a little bitch that’s fine, but our customers are looking for next level products. Most hospitals won’t even set up pumping macros, we’ve got that shit built in.”

It remains to be seen whether or not Mad Catz artificial organs are safe or still work after a month, but for now Nikket has stated that he is fine with a pointless red light blinking randomly in his sternum five to seven hundred times a day.

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Supermarket Bartender Sure Has Some Stories to Tell

Posted on by Gregg Gethard

PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Matthew Kearns, a bartender at the Ye Olde Tap House located in the rear corner of a Market Basket supermarket, reportedly has “hundreds of stories” about the violent, heartbreaking and bizarre incidents that have come to define his workplace.

“The best story? That’s a good question… Do you have a couple hours? I guess it was probably when a woman tried to steal a person’s comfort potbellied pig — the pig ended up biting a police officer, which is pretty ironic,” said Kearns with his trademark 1,000-yard stare. “Then there was the time some old-school Irish thugs were running a gambling ring based around the results of Wimbledon back by the dairy section. Those dudes sure did drink a lot, though. Another favorite was the time a man proposed to a woman 35 years older than him while both were wearing Criss Angel tour T-shirts. Keep in mind, I only started working here three weeks ago.”

Market Basket assistant produce manager Sheila DeFrancesco confirmed Kearns regularly meets people who would make most question why mankind sits at the top of the food chain.

“Visiting Ye Olde Tap House is like watching a David Lynch movie, but all too real… and Matthew sits in the center of madness,” said DeFrancesco. “Did he tell you about the guy who set up a grille in the middle of the bar and had a cookout only using bison burgers? Or when a local Presbyterian church had a fatal carbon monoxide leak, and instead held their weekly service at the bar? I was there when a mother let her pre-teen daughter openly vape and then used a boxcutter blade to slash open multiple bags of Tostitos while screaming something about antifa. Because that was all last Sunday.”

William Rossi, a regional vice-president of the United Food and Commercial Workers trade union representing over 835,000 grocery store employees nationwide, claimed the surreal nature of supermarket bars is a nationwide epidemic.

“The biggest concern for our members is not safety hazards, or the fight to increase wages. Our biggest fear is that our frontline supermarket bar employees will suffer untold lifelong traumas,” said Rossi. “These men and women are routinely asked to make extra spicy Bloody Mary’s on weekday evenings well outside of traditional brunch hours, and then must dodge empty shopping cars thrown at them by customers denied their own weekday evening Bloody Mary’s as the bar is already closed.”

At press time, Kearns and supermarket bartenders across the country were headed to a neighborhood pub to drink the pain away.

TLC Confirms That “No Scrubs” Was Also Written About Dave Coulier

Posted on by Eli Johnson

NEW YORK — The former members of TLC confirmed a long-held suspicion today that their 1999 hit single “No Scrubs” was written about “Full House” cast member Dave Coulier.

“One day we’re out walking, and [Coulier] and Stamos come driving by, and you know, Coulier leans out and tries to holler at us from the passenger side of the car,” said Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas. “To be honest, I didn’t know who he was at first — I just saw a bunch of hair and a bright, patterned shirt, but then it clicked and I was like, ‘Is that that corny motherfucker, Uncle Joey?’ So I started jotting down some lines, and the rest is history. He was talking like Popeye for some reason, and had this beaver puppet… that part didn’t make it in the song.”

The revelation from TLC has only fueled the ongoing speculation that Coulier’s failed relationship with singer/songwriter Alanis Morrissette was the inspiration for her classic song “You Oughta Know.”

“I can only assume he was fresh off his breakup with Alanis and looking for a rebound, I guess,” said Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins. “So, yeah, he flexed on us, but out of respect for our Canadian queen, we didn’t give him the time of day. He was just lucky Left Eye wasn’t with us that day, that’s for damn sure.”

Fellow “Full House” alum Bob Saget confirmed Coulier’s predilection for musical women.

“I tried to tell him he should probably stop dating musicians, but he wouldn’t listen,” said Saget. “I mean, there’s already one immortal song dedicated to calling you a piece of shit, so maybe you should cut your losses. I never understood why he’s always been eager to take credit for ‘You Oughta Know.’ Like, buddy, did you listen to the lyrics?”

In related news, Blu Cantrell revealed that “Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)” was also written about Coulier.

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