Hallmark Christmas Romance Movies Set Unrealistic Expectations for Having Any Human Interaction Ever Again

WILMINGTON, N.C. — Hallmark Channel’s signature Christmas-themed romance movies reportedly promote an unhealthy expectation of any kind of human interaction, according to a new study by the University of North Carolina.

“The popular media follows the same basic formula: boy meets girl, girl and boy fall in love through the spirit of Christmas, and boy and girl live happily ever after,” said Dr. Lara Pascal, the university’s lead researcher. “Even though we may understand intrinsically these are works of fiction, emerging evidence suggests we may be more influenced than we realize. How are the two romantic interests ever supposed to meet as rivals at a bake sale, let alone share a dry kiss under a suspiciously well-placed mistletoe, in the middle of a never-ending pandemic?”

“That’s not to say that ‘the one’ isn’t out there waiting to meet you,” she added, “but viewers need to understand that rather than saving an orphanage, they’re more likely to be at home masturbating compulsively to anything with skin.”

As part of the study, 100 subjects were asked to watch the Hallmark movie “Second Base Christmas,” while a second group was assigned to watch Tom Hanks’ 2000 film “Castaway.”

“We discovered that, compared to our control group, holiday romance viewers were more likely to believe that face-to-face human interaction is possible, even inevitable,” warned Dr. Pascal. “This media sets people up to be disappointed, since they’re incapable of having any form of human relationship again. No amount of cocoa or unexpected snowfall will change that.”

Leading psychologist Dr. Dorothe Shahid agreed that the movies’ ideas could have dangerous, lasting effects on the public.

“Many clients come to me, influenced by the media, with the false belief that a magical holiday vaccine will return us to some cookie-cutter Hallmark world,” said Dr. Shahid. “This fails to account for the increased social issues and collective trauma we’ve all faced that will inevitably lead to continued human disconnection. I suggest consuming more realistic media, like horror movies, where interaction leads to death.”

The researchers’ next study will examine the effects of pornography on impressionable young minds, who may develop beliefs that two strangers can be maskless indoors together and mere inches apart.

The Next Frank Black? This Bald Guy Is Shouting Nonsense

With the deluge of “suggested” bands thrown at us through music app algorithms, it seems like it’s become harder and harder to organically discover something new and exciting. I discovered the Pixies in college and honestly, they set the bar so high I never thought anything could compare. Did it matter that I didn’t understand a goddamn thing Frank Black was talking about? Hell no, as long as he was screaming like a mental patient about talking to fish or slicing up eyeballs, I was hooked.

Without realizing it I had given up on finding new music that excited me. Then, just the other day I was walking home from the pharmacy and chanced upon Frank’s heir apparent: a random bald guy on the corner of the street, screaming nonsense at anyone who wandered into this field of vision.

This guy was good. He was treating everyone within earshot to a one-man show, and I for one was hooked. He turned to me and yelled, “MY BRAIN CAN SEE THERE’S A PHALLIC KEEPING/LEMURS LAND AND I MAKE SLUDGE!” It may not seem like an earworm written down but I swear to god it’s been stuck in my head all week. What hat the fuck does that even mean?! Who cares, just add some late-80’s alt-rock guitar and it might as well be “Doolittle.”

I couldn’t really decipher if he had a setlist of if this was all off the cuff, but I think he at least had one song called “Face” because he kept slapping himself and screaming “FACE” about 400 times in a row. The only explanation I could think of was that he was some kind of artist, what with the spray paint cans he had with him.

I can’t say that my fellow pedestrians recognized him as the next Frank Black the way I did, but I think the parts of his performance that weren’t about incest or murder really intrigued people.

The moment I knew I was staring at the next coming of Black Francs was during a seven-minute rant about a trip to New Jersey: I FELL INTO A FIRE HOLE I DIDN’T KNOW/THIS REAL UNDERWATER TURNS ME INTO GARDEN STATE!” I don’t know what happened to him in New Jersey, but it must’ve been epic to come up with a line like that.

I wanted to stay longer but he started throwing stuff into the crowd, which was clearly to indicate we’d come to the loud part of the song since he didn’t have a guitar. I came back to that street corner for a week straight but he wasn’t there, but I asked around and apparently, he’s a part of some group called Qanon? Gonna have to check them out.

Meditation Upgraded to Nap

LOS ANGELES — A 10-minute exercise in mindful meditation for musician and Trader Joe’s crew member Adrienne Tuckman evolved into a full blown episode of unconsciousness lasting almost three hours late yesterday afternoon, according to sources.

“When I came home, Adrienne was laid out on a yoga mat in the living room with her eyes closed, and the whole place smelled like nag champa and weed,” recalled Tuckman’s roommate Kristen Hall. “I went into the kitchen, came back a few minutes later, and the motherfucker was dead asleep on the floor. Pretty sure she was drooling. She stayed like that for almost two hours, even through me running the blender and everything.”

Upon awakening, Tuckman offered further insight into her experience.

“As my mind began to clear, I just reached this like, place, you know?” she explained of the act of clearing the mind to gain peace, calm and personal insight, which has been practiced by thinkers and spiritual leaders for nearly 8,000 years. “And in that place, I realized, ‘Holy shit, I could totally just fall asleep like, right now,’ and rather than resisting like a Westerner would, I just let it happen. That’s the whole thing about meditation, you know — you just have to do whatever, and then it’s done.”

“I’ve been reading a lot about the mental and physical benefits of daily meditation. From what I can gather after watching the movie ‘Inception,’ these benefits must be three times as effective while asleep,” she added. “I feel so completely reset that I could actually go for a cup of coffee. That’s how deep I went.”

Those close to the self-proclaimed “monk in a former life, probably” expressed some skepticism to Tuckman’s claims.

“This reminds me of the week she decided she was going to get way into yoga and bought books and a mat and a ton of stretchy clothes,” friend Rocco Balari recalled. “She started stretching, and 10 minutes later, she switched to some hot sauce taste test video series on YouTube and just binged that for like, two hours. She’s still trying to sell those clothes on Depop.”

At press time, Tuckman was dismissing the latest alert from Duolingo to practice French for five minutes.

If You Think All TV Remotes Should Be Controllers, You’re a Fucking Idiot

There’s an article going around today, making the ridiculous argument that all TV remotes should actually be gaming controllers. I haven’t read the article—I don’t want to validate these kinds of ideas—but it should go without saying that this is wildly off base. If you think all TV remotes should be controllers, you are an absolute fucking idiot.

Remotes and controllers are two different things. Arguing otherwise is harmful to television watchers, and more importantly, it threatens the very existence of gaming. Let me explain.

Remotes are designed to send short messages to the television. They’re for navigating menus, pausing, skipping ahead, that kind of thing. Most of the time, you’re just pushing a few buttons. Once you get to the thing you want to watch, the remote goes away—onto the coffee table, or (probably) between the couch cushions. Television and film are passive mediums. The remote is a crude tool for a crude task, designed to get the job done and get out of the way.

Controllers are designed to forge a fluid connection between Gamer and game. They pick up on every twitch, every click, every little change in pressure, continuously, until the device disappears and the player becomes one with the game. Gaming is an active medium. The controller is a highly sensitive instrument, designed to complete an extremely complex task, perhaps the most holy task an object can perform: playing video games.

You wouldn’t use a rake to dig a hole. Why is this case any different? The qualities that make a TV remote feel “clunky”—rubber buttons, slim shape, lightweight—are the very things that make it good at its job. They’re why the remote can slide between the couch cushions without pausing The Sopranos. They’re why you can bump it when you reach for your drink, and you won’t accidentally exit to the main menu, just when the movie was getting good. Try doing the same with a controller, which is purpose built to pick up every single movement. It’s simply the wrong tool.

More than that, this is a matter of honor. To equate the remote with the controller is to slap the gamer in the face. Gamers are active. Gamers win. Gamers get owned. Gamers argue with the squad about who fucked up, rage quit, log on and do it all again. Our controller is our weapon. It’s razor sharp. Dodge, parry, strafe, attack. It has no place in the tepid world of streaming apps, where simple remotes spit out dull commands. Up, down, select, cancel.

If every TV remote becomes a controller, the consequences will be dire. Manufacturers will inevitably make controllers work better as remotes, which is the very opposite of making them better controllers. They will dull our weapon, so the novices don’t hurt themselves. In the process, Gamers will lose track of what makes us special.

Gamers and non-Gamers are two different things. More is at stake than just a couple pieces of hardware — this is a battle for our souls. Which side are you on?

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It’s Time to Admit That All TV Remotes Should Be Controllers

As our technology gets better and better, people become attached to the familiar. Old interfaces become the preferred, retro designs come back into play, and the obsolete retain their status far longer than they should. Well, it’s time the tech world give itself a cold, long look in the mirror and come to the obvious conclusion that we all know deep down in our hearts: it is time to replace all television remotes with controllers.

Gaming is no longer just a hobby or a joke for people to “cringe” at. Gaming is a billion dollar industry with trillions of people worldwide spending quadrillions of dollars on quintillion video game devices each year. As we push into the future of technology, you are just lying to yourself if you ignore the sound of the march of sextillion gamers pushing our culture forward. 

And yet, the device that allows us to view our games and entertainment, the television, is controlled by a relic of a past most of us never even lived through. Why? We need to admit it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward. It’s time to heal.

Too many times we have heard the harrowing stories of gamers going home for the holidays, trying to watch some streaming TV on their parents’ devices, and being forced to deal with cumbersome, awkward remotes. Pushing awful and stiff arrow buttons to navigate around virtual keyboards that were clearly designed for control sticks. Our nation has the money and ability to solve this problem. We are capable of putting this behind us.

Together, we can eradicate the mistakes of those who came before us. It’s going to be difficult. Hell, it’s going to be downright frightening at times. But we need to be brave enough to join together and say enough is enough. We have a moral obligation, as a society, to replace TV remotes with controllers.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

It’s the holiday season, everyone! And you know what that means: more of the same, except it’s colder, and there’s more pressure to act like you’re having a good time. It’s that time of year where gamers engage in annual rituals such as crashing the Steam store, growing their game libraries by three times in a single day and roasting EA for all of their failures over the year. And because I’m feeling the holiday cheer, I thought I’d give you guys an early present of five great comments from this week!

Those Cyberpunk 2077 delays took everything from me. I can’t drive because of the yellow lines on the road, I froth at the mouth whenever I see bananas, and I kicked my TV screen in when an episode of The Simpsons came on. They may fix the game, but I don’t know if they’ll ever be able to fix me.

Here’s Hard Drive’s official guide to make Cyberpunk 2077 run well on modern hardware:

Step 1: Unionize CD Projekt Red’s development team. Mismanagement is one of the biggest bottlenecks for all video games, and crunch often results in underperformance.

Step 2: Allow the developers sufficient time to polish. While making them work faster may seem like it will make the game run faster, this is actually a myth.

Step 3: Include free RAM upgrades with every purchase of Cyberpunk 2077. It worked for Donkey Kong 64!

Much like how Warhammer is an excuse to explain away collecting toy figurines, Dungeons and Dragons as a game is a mere rationalization for collecting the same 7 geometric shapes over and over again. I know people who are so extreme in their dice spending that they nearly have enough to play pen and paper Shadowrun

Joseph, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that your blood pressure is high enough for you to shoot blood as a projectile to defend yourself. That bad news is that you’ll probably only be able to pull it off once.

It’s important to remember that art is subjective, and that no one can truly be “right” about what a piece of writing means. Objectively, though, we know that no one has read the Dragon Ball manga, so I’m afraid that Odie Etsy is wrong.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Twitch Bans All Mentions of Virgin Mary and Incel Joseph

SAN FRANCISCO — Just before Christmas, video streaming platform Twitch has banned users from making any mention of the Virgin Mary, the Incel Joseph or any of the Three Wise Simps.

“There’s a War on Christmas, and we just shot out our first blast,” said Twitch CEO Emmett Shear. “At the end of the day, we would love for our viewers to discuss these important religious figures as much as they would like. But it is ultimately impossible to have even the friendliest of conversations without using these derogatory ideas. Mary is a virgin, ugh, Joseph is an incel, boo, and the Three Wise Men are all awful simps, no thanks. It upsets me deeply.”

The news quickly went viral, garnering criticism from various religion-based streamers.

“I play Santa’s Big Adventure 3 every single day on Twitch. How the fuck am I supposed to play to my audience without mentioning that incel fuck Joseph?” said popular streamer JezusFreek94. “I’m a raging angry Christian streamer and I am being grabbed by the fucking balls here, Bezos.”

“I was just about to host my speedrun event of King of Kings: The Early Years, an actual NES game about, I guess, a prequel to Jesus,” said Twitch user kingofkingofkings. “I don’t think it’s possible to have this event without constantly talking about the Three Kings being just big ole simps for Mary. I mean they were just giving her gifts and shit, crossing a whole desert. And it’s like… first of all there’s three of you. Second of all, she’s dating GOD. Like actual GOD. How are you gonna sling better dick than the big G?”

At press time, an internal memo from within the Twitch offices leaked, revealing that the ban was actually a result of Bill Gates calling Twitch owner Jeff Bezos a “little virgin incel simp.”

I’m Not Just Selling You a Home, I’m Selling You a Venue

Buying your first home is one of the biggest decisions of your life. It’s important that you choose the home that’s right for the person you are today, but you should keep in mind the life changes you’ll make in the future. Life changes like finally starting that bitchin’ ska band and throwing mad shows here, dude. We are going to fucking rage until this basement collapses! …Just after you sign these closing papers, of course.

You’re seriously still thinking it over? Okay, let me run you through this one more time and you’ll be sure to make the best decision of your life this afternoon. Because I’m not just selling you a house. I’m selling you a venue.

Dude, putting an offer on this house today would be so fucking punk. I mean, just look at all this rehearsal space! Even the sidewalks out front are perfect for doing slappies and flatground tricks over manhole covers. Rodney Mullen was actually just asking about this place so you’re gonna want to move on it quick before he casper-slides his innovative ass through that front door.

And can you believe the schools in this district are more than 1,000 feet away from the property? This place has it all!

Outside you’ve got some curb appeal but it’ll be a lot better after you bust that streetlight out. Don’t worry, I’ll keep a lookout. Then the parking in this neighborhood will be perfect for grabbing car beers and smoking a joint or two between bands. It might not hurt to open a vegan-friendly coffee shop in the shed to give the straight edge crew a place to do pushups and slam poetry. But this place will never have a marquee because this ain’t the fuckin’ House of Blues.

Now, let’s talk about the master suite: the basement. First, you’ll need to tear out this ornate fireplace to make room for merch tables. Next, we’ll move the water heater into your bedroom to create an open concept mosh space. You know what? I’ll go ahead and ask for an upgrade on the electrical in the closing agreement. What good is a house if it blows a breaker every time Sunn O))) plays your living room? Even if the owners don’t agree to it, your neighbor’s garage is probably close enough to run some extension cords through the window.

Ultimately, there’s no better way to support the Terre Haute punk scene than by turning this house into a disgusting eyesore that pulls the entire neighborhood down with it. But keep your bathrooms clean for Christ’s sake, we’re not animals.

Snobby Ghosts Refuse to Communicate Through Off-Brand Ouija Board

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local ghost Cece Quinn is reportedly unreachable unless specifically summoned with a name-brand Ouija board, and promises their contacts extra time if you’re using a board manufactured in the late 1970s, frustrated paranormal activity experts confirmed.

“It’s about standards more than anything,” said Quinn, who died in 1895 from an infected splinter. “My colleagues and I won’t have our spirits conjured in every abandoned house in town because some morons found some shitty piece of wood with letters on it. Not anymore. We’re only turning up if you have the cash to drop on a Ouija board from fucking Hasbro.”

“Look, they’re only $26.99 on Amazon right now with free shipping,” Quinn added. “We’re not shills or anything — we just want to make sure we’re not wasting our time. I’m only getting summoned by people with respect for communicating with the dead.”

People interested in contacting the ghostly realm on a budget aren’t thrilled with this trend.

“Not everyone has the money to drop on name-brand this or name-brand that,” said frustrated contact attemptee Janet Nguyen. “I’m trying to just have a quick chat with the ghosts in my house; they don’t need to go all gatekeeper on us. I tried to contact the ghost living in my attic with a homemade board I created with recycled cutting boards and stencils, and he just kept saying shit like how he feels sad for me and if this is really all I’ve got. What the hell is that?”

In an effort to appease the pretentious spirits, professional ghost hunter Dwight Morris has been spending thousands of dollars on the latest equipment.

“Well, can’t blame them for wanting only the best of the best,” said a defeated Morris after confirming a $500 purchase of thermal imaging devices. “My wife says that the ghosts that haunt our home laugh at me when I’m not there, but I don’t think she gets them like I do. The other day a ghost said he’d knock down a cereal box if I shot it with a Red camera. Yeah, it set me back $16k and might cost me my marriage, but when that puppy ships in, it’ll all be worth it.”

Quinn was last heard demanding “payment for her time” and requesting that people “say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ for a change.”

We Spoke With Our Mom and She Said You Can Come Over if Your Mom Says It’s Okay

Okay, don’t tell your mom but our older sister rented Cruel Intentions from Blockbuster and she won’t be home until late because of soccer practice. It’s this movie where two ladies kiss and we heard someone… does it.

So, if you want to watch it, we at The Hard Times had the chance to sit down with our mom to ask if you can come over and do “homework.” We think she bought it, but remember what the story is in case your mom talks to her.

Here’s what she had to say:

The Hard Times: Hi, Mom, thanks for being here.

Our Mom: …

Can Abby come over?

Mom. Mom.

Mom. Mom. Mom.

What?!

We asked if Abby can come over to the house.

Honey, it’s a school night.

But Mom, we have a big project due tonight at 8.

Tonight at 8? What do you mean?

That’s when Blockbuster closes! We mean, when Abby’s mom is going to come pick her up.

I’m sorry, what is this? I’m on a conference call.

Our project!

Alright! Just have her ask her mom and if she says yes, she can-

Abby! She said you can come over and watch the two girls french in Cruel Intentions!

Big thanks to our mom for taking the time to answer our question. Next time, we’ll be sitting down with our mom to discuss extending this movie night into a sleepover.

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