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Meditation Upgraded to Nap

LOS ANGELES — A 10-minute exercise in mindful meditation for musician and Trader Joe’s crew member Adrienne Tuckman evolved into a full blown episode of unconsciousness lasting almost three hours late yesterday afternoon, according to sources.

“When I came home, Adrienne was laid out on a yoga mat in the living room with her eyes closed, and the whole place smelled like nag champa and weed,” recalled Tuckman’s roommate Kristen Hall. “I went into the kitchen, came back a few minutes later, and the motherfucker was dead asleep on the floor. Pretty sure she was drooling. She stayed like that for almost two hours, even through me running the blender and everything.”

Upon awakening, Tuckman offered further insight into her experience.

“As my mind began to clear, I just reached this like, place, you know?” she explained of the act of clearing the mind to gain peace, calm and personal insight, which has been practiced by thinkers and spiritual leaders for nearly 8,000 years. “And in that place, I realized, ‘Holy shit, I could totally just fall asleep like, right now,’ and rather than resisting like a Westerner would, I just let it happen. That’s the whole thing about meditation, you know — you just have to do whatever, and then it’s done.”

“I’ve been reading a lot about the mental and physical benefits of daily meditation. From what I can gather after watching the movie ‘Inception,’ these benefits must be three times as effective while asleep,” she added. “I feel so completely reset that I could actually go for a cup of coffee. That’s how deep I went.”

Those close to the self-proclaimed “monk in a former life, probably” expressed some skepticism to Tuckman’s claims.

“This reminds me of the week she decided she was going to get way into yoga and bought books and a mat and a ton of stretchy clothes,” friend Rocco Balari recalled. “She started stretching, and 10 minutes later, she switched to some hot sauce taste test video series on YouTube and just binged that for like, two hours. She’s still trying to sell those clothes on Depop.”

At press time, Tuckman was dismissing the latest alert from Duolingo to practice French for five minutes.