Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize

Posted on February 17, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

NEW YORK — The Pulitzer Prize Board announced nominations for the 2020 Pulitzer Prize in Public Service, including a surprise nomination for Reddit user johnnyjon66, known for providing summaries of paywalled articles in comments sections.

“While it is a bit unusual, we simply had to give a nod to one of the new heroes of the digital age,” said one member of the Pulitzer board. “We are proud to recognize johnnyjon66 for his outstanding efforts to promote journalistic accessibility via what we assume are accurate and concise summaries of the news.”

Thousands of users rely on his comments for the news of the day, but johnnyjon66 has not let his newfound notoriety go to his head.

“idk i just wanted upvotes,” johnnyjon66 explained via a post in his personal subreddit. “can they convert the prize to reddit gold? i don’t even sub to these papers i just use incognito mode.”

johnnyjon66’s work can be seen on posts from /r/news, /r/politics, /u/thewashingtonpost, and more, where his comments are usually near the top of the thread.

“As a Redditor, I know I’m much less susceptible to misinformation because I always check my sources,” said one Reddit user who had just given one of johnnyjon66’s comments a free Wholesome Award. “I checked this guy’s profile and he has a lot of karma so I know I can definitely trust him. Just think of all the time I saved by not giving the news any subscription money or ad revenue! Thanks, johnny!”

Many observers were disappointed that there was no nomination for the Reader Who Actually Reads Articles Before Sharing Them, who the Board shunned because they were “unable to prove they actually exist.”

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Conservative Pundits Fly False Flags at Half Mast in Honor of Rush Limbaugh

Posted on February 17, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many times they mentioned false flag operations on their respective shows.

“Rush was always a hero of mine. When I was a child I would listen to his show then debate the cool kids in school. They would always end up beating the crap out of me, but I know I helped them on a path to become free thinkers,” said de-platformed right-wing star, Alex Jones. “Today on my show I’m only going to dedicate one hour to how Antifa was behind the Capitol insurrection, and just a quick touch on new evidence that shows the supposed victims from Sandy Hook are currently on a championship soccer team. The rest of the show will be dedicated to some of Rush’s best observations about Hilary Clinton. I know it’s what he would have wanted.”

Long-time listeners to conservative talk radio are already beginning to question if Limbaugh is actually dead.

“Ok right, so today is February 17th, which is the same day that Thomas Seddal harvested 8.3-kg potato from his garden in Chester, England. You see where I’m going with this right? Rush isn’t dead at all, he’s simply infiltrating the monarchy,” said conspiracy theorist, Declan Hyde. “Once he has the information he needs, he’ll come back on the air and reveal all the MI6 documents on the Kennedys, the Clintons, and the Obamas, thus ensuring that Trump is re-elected as the rightful president. Just open your eyes man. Cancer was cured in 1945, and plus, Rush’s powerfully gigantic head would never allow those cells to infiltrate his lungs. He would never die from that.”

At press time, security at the Palm Beach hospital announced they would all be taking a break in one hour if anyone just happened to come by the hospital in order to spit on Limbaugh’s stiff yet bloated corpse.

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

Technically Proficient Guitarist Completely Inept in Every Other Aspect of Songwriting

Posted on February 17, 2021 by James Knapp

TAMPA, Fla. — Ronnie “The Neck” Garefino, the virtuoso guitarist for the speed metal band Fisting Frankenstein, is admittedly “totally clueless” when it comes to actually crafting songs and the music creation process as a whole, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I’ve spent more than a decade of my life working to become an absolute master of my instrument— every day I spend hours practicing my fingering, and writing riffs that would make Dimebag Darrell look like an amateur. But still, any time I try to put it all together into an actual song, I might as well be trying to perform open-heart surgery with a grapefruit spoon,” explained Garefino. “I can’t read sheet music, I have no rhythm, and I can barely rhyme. Even the idea of verse/chorus/verse perplexes me. Our frontman is a total moron, but somehow he gets it. Fuck.”

Fisting Frankenstein’s bassist Mary Hemseln elaborated on Garefino’s ineptitude.

“Ronnie’s a great guitarist, nobody’s disputing that. But I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone less equipped to build a coherent song. We literally have to point at him every time his solos happen because he doesn’t know when to come in,” Hemseln said while correcting Garefino’s work in GarageBand. “I really don’t even know how it’s possible that a person can be such a skilled musician, and yet they aren’t even able to string together a few verses. I’ve seen [Garefino] play in time signatures that don’t even exist yet, but the last time he tried to put it into a song, he somehow ended up accidentally disassembling his amp. And when we tried to ask him what happened, he just kept muttering, ‘The chorus’ over and over. It was horrifying.”

Songcraft expert Julien Casovalo clarified how technical ability does not always equal songwriting aptitude.

“When writing a full song, there are so many elements at play — from structure to instrumentation, to lyricism to cadence, writing any piece of music is a multi-faceted endeavor. Which is precisely why so many great guitarists suck at it,” Casovalo remarked while jotting down a list of words that rhyme with “verisimilitude.” “This is a lesson hard-learned by 16-year-olds at high school talent shows everywhere: just because you can solo for 30 minutes straight doesn’t make you a musician.”

At press time, Garefino had purchased “Songwriting For Dummies,” and subsequently realized he never learned how to read.

Guy Who Likes Explaining Stuff Really Having One Motherfucker of a Year

Posted on February 17, 2021 by Rick Homuth

ARVADA, Colo. — Local guy Nathan Thorpe is having an “absolute fucking banner” year, thanks to his penchant for explaining the details of fast-paced current events to anyone who will vaguely listen, exhausted sources report.

“Oh, man, last year started off really good, with Soleimani getting murked and the Australian wildfires and everything… but I was kinda disappointed when I heard about the vaccine rollouts towards the end,” Thorpe said, gesticulating wildly to accent his speech. “But now? Boy, between the Capitol mob and the GameStop craze, I’m thinking this might be an even crazier and more difficult-to-parse year, which is really cool to think about. Well, aside from the, y’know, entropic decay of our society and the planet as a whole. I can get into it if you want — it’s pretty complex but actually surprisingly simple, which I can also explain.”

Those close to Thorpe exasperatedly detailed his commitment to explaining any and all current events to the people in his life at the slightest indication they were in any way confused.

“Oh, geez… yeah, Nate’s a real asset in the times we live in,” roommate Clyde Parsons said. “On one hand, I sorta wish I was the kind of guy who could stick his head in the sand some days and just focus on myself. On the other hand, I guess I’m better off knowing, in explicit detail, what all of Elon Musk’s cryptocurrency meme tweets mean.”

However, others in Thorpe’s life, particularly coworkers, are not impressed.

“That little asshole has been walking around with a stiff dick and a shit-eating grin ever since someone first asked him what the Panama Papers were,” said Isabella Obermayer, Thorpe’s fellow sales associate teammate. “It’s literally like he gets off on breaking down complex situations in the news. Yeah, sure, maybe I’m being hard on him, but maybe I’m a little bitter about not really getting whatever fuck is going on in Yemen. If I hear him say he wants to ‘unpack’ something one more time, I’m punching him in the face.”

Thorpe was last seen raising his hand during a Zoom conference after hearing a remark from a coworker about MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell’s new election fraud documentary.

5 Backwards Hats That Say, “Relax Baby, Everybody Has HPV”

Posted on February 17, 2021 by Josh Klasco

Hey Bro! Nice chin goatee. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. We know that, as a puss-crushing smash machine, you don’t wanna waste any time on the journey to gettin’ that nut.

Superfluous bullshit like foreplay, last names, and conversations about STIs just get in the way of efficient donging. Check out these five backward hats that’ll immediately let her know exactly what kind of man you are.

Off-White Dad Hat– Are you an adult man who dresses like a toddler because you’re pretty sure Mac DeMarco would think it’s cool? If so, this is the backward hat for you! This backward hat goes great with a pair of Sperrys and an attitude that says, “It’s cool, my dad knows the judge.”

Red Yankees Ballcap – Have you ever wanted to wear something that immediately conjures up the image of both Donald Trump and Fred Durst? We thought so! This backward hat is a great way to tell her, “You won’t catch anything from me that you wouldn’t catch from sitting naked on a rollercoaster.”

Kangol – Here’s a hat for the guy who likes to express everything about himself except pertinent medical records. Pair it with a Thrasher hoodie to show her there’s no need to exchange phone numbers.

Yankees Fitted – Nothing says, “Yeah I just got tested, wink wink,” like a Yankees fitted worn backward 24/7. You’ll want to grip this sick fitted so she knows your shit slaps, deadass.

Mountain Dew Promotional Snapback – This is a twofer. It says “MTN DEW doesn’t sponsor my pickup but eventually they will.” More importantly, it gives off the vibe that fucking me will be like fucking an abyss of soulless abandon, which is good because that’s a few notches above how good it’ll actually be.

Jean Jacket Doubling As Winter Coat, Tripling As Personality

Posted on February 17, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic blast is causing great concern with friends and family, those close to the simple man confirmed.

“Everyone needs to calm down. The Death patch on the back blocks the wind, and my ‘Night of the Living Dead’ enamel pins keep the snow off of my chest,” said Drury without realizing hypothermia was setting in while he waited for a bus. “How else am I supposed to make everyone in eyesight know about my affinity for death metal and horror films? It’s so warm, I’m thinking of cutting the sleeves off and turning it into a vest to wear year-round.”

Girlfriend Danielle Griffey is extremely concerned for Drury, as forecasted temperatures in the city dip well below freezing.

“When we first got together, he was the lead guitar player in his band Ghost Boat,” said Griffey while shopping for a thermal-lined hooded sweatshirt she hopes Drury will wear under the jean jacket. “Six months after we started dating, the band did a Canadian tour during the winter, and by the time Seth got back, he became their singer by default because three fingers on his fret hand were removed due to frostbite after he refused to wear gloves. He’ll freeze to death walking our dog if he doesn’t wear something warmer than a jacket Dave Mustaine signed with a Sharpie four years ago.”

Registered therapist and heavy music expert Stephen Howell noted this behavior is most likely the result of insecurity.

“Many people would rather freeze their nuts off looking kvlt AF than stay dry and comfortable in a down jacket or parka,” said Howell. “Usually, this stubborn rigidity is reserved for eighth grade boys pretending to like cigarettes, or people in their 30s who spend most of their time on Tiktok. Seth’s only option is to drink as much malört as humanly possible and limit time outdoors if he wants to survive a Midwest winter wearing denim and Judas Priest buttons.”

Drury was last seen holding his feet over a trash fire to thaw his 17-year-old white high-top Reeboks that froze into giant ice blocks within 10 minutes of being outside.

Fans Rage After Learning Post Malone’s Pokémon Concert Won’t Contain All His Songs

Posted on February 16, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

REDMOND, Wash. — The Pokémon Company has stirred controversy after revealing the upcoming concert celebrating the franchise’s 25th Anniversary will not contain every song Post Malone has ever recorded.

“We’re extremely excited to have Post Malone join us in celebrating 25 years of Pokémon with this event,” said a statement from The Pokémon Company. “However his music catalog has grown significantly over the years and it’d be too hard to try and fit them all into this one 2 hour product. We hope our fans will understand. Hopefully, through various DLC add-ons, we can eventually get more of Post Malone’s songs into the Pokémon world in months to come.”

This announcement angered many longtime fans who were already slighted by what they feel is a lack of effort from the company.

“This is such a scam!!! Pokémon is the biggest media franchise in the world, so what gives?!” Twitter user @SergeantStellar said. “It’s ridiculous that Gamefreak thinks they can get away with anything less than all of his old songs re-recorded live, an album’s worth of new stuff, and the Battle Frontier returning!”

“They can claim this is for quality purposes all they like, but Post Malone looks like shit. If you zoom all the way in on his tattoos, they look like they belong in a PS2 game.” YouTuber ConfusedCrocanaw said in a video reacting to the announcement. “I hadn’t heard of Post Malone before all of this nonsense, but I’ve looked him up, and I’ll be boycotting the event if it doesn’t include Sugar Wraith, Ball For Me, or Sandshrew.”

When asked to comment on the issue, series producer Junichi Masuda said he was unfazed by the response.

“I get more death threats than actual dictators because I decided our developers seeing their kids was more important than making an HD model for Tynamo. Could you even tell me what that one is without looking it up? It’s some fucking eel we came up with in 10 minutes,” Masuda said. “Everyone ends up listening to the same six Post Malone songs anyway. It’s not like we’re cutting Sunflower or Circles.”

At press time, The Pokémon Company made an effort to appease longtime fans of the franchise by closing their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and pretending the complaints would just go away.

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An Open Letter To Someone I Made up To Prove an Incredibly Petty Point

Posted on February 16, 2021 by Bobby Korec

I cannot believe this has to be said out in the open on the internet instead of in private like a reasonable person might do, but I’m afraid I just can’t do that since you do not actually exist. Also, this is the only way to prove to the world that I don’t think I should have to pick up my dog’s shit every single time I take Bubbles for a walk.

Don’t get me wrong. I used to do it when he was a puppy, back when his poops were manageable pellets. But they’re like the size of tennis balls now. Gross! How dare you not consider my plight as a dog owner as I construct a fully fleshed-out narrative in my head that I am clearly the victim here. So inconsiderate of you.

I can even picture with total clarity the belittling looks I imagine you’re giving me as I walk away from a freshly untouched poopie on the sidewalk completely unconcerned with the bottoms of pedestrians’ sneakers. If it weren’t for your condescending attitude I made up entirely, I wouldn’t have to think about real people at all.

Maybe put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Think about what it would be like to have to touch dog shit with nothing but a flimsy plastic bag separating the turd and your hand. Oh, what’s that? You can’t imagine that because you’re not real? Unacceptable. Please do better.

The tone I fantasize you taking with me speaks volumes as well. Seriously, so what if one time my dog took a dump in the middle of Walgreens on the hottest day of the year and I pretended not to notice? It was magically gone the next time I went in and that’s what counts.

Besides, I think your hypothetically demolished checkerboard Vans are going to be fine after spending an hour carefully removing the feces from each tiny crevice on the bottom of your sole. So grow up and please think about someone else for a change.

Best Days Behind 30-Year-Old Weren’t Really Even That Great

Posted on February 16, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

ANTIOCH, Calif. — Local punk Dom Medico realized yesterday that his so-called “glory days” that are now far in his rearview mirror were mostly boring and filled with inactivity, sources close to the rapidly aging man confirmed.

“People kept warning me that as soon as I hit 30 I’d have to grow up, so I tried to make sure that my teens and 20s were filled with exciting, once-in-a-lifetime experiences,” said Medico. “But when I look back on my life I really don’t remember anything worth a damn. A lot of my friends have crazy stories about fights, touring, and run-ins with cops, but I think the most exciting thing that happened to me was the time I ordered a footlong at Subway and they only charged me for a 6” sub.”

“I mean, that saved me like, $3 because it was a combo meal and I’m super grateful, but it’s not a great story,” he added. “I feel like I’ve wasted my life.”

Friends of Medico agreed.

“Dom is one of my favorite people, but, man… the guy is sort of a dud. He goes to bed at 9 p.m. every night no matter what, and he’s done that for as long as I’ve known him. Nothing cool happens before midnight. Nothing,” said longtime friend Debbie Graves. “He’s the only guy I know that’s always had a full-time job. I guess it’s kind of cool that he has some money set aside for retirement, but it’s not cool in the ‘we beat the shit out of six off-duty police officers’ sort of way. He still talks about the time he got a bag of Skittles that only had red ones inside.”

Experts warn against aging punks trying to make up for the boring lives they’ve led as they enter their 30s.

“It’s fine if you don’t have a cool story about getting high on LSD and breaking into your old elementary school. Please don’t try to do that as a full-grown adult — it’s not cute, and you’re not even on your parent’s insurance anymore, so if something happens, you’re going to be totally fucked,” said sociologist May Warner. “I recommend finding a hobby like mountain biking, or maybe even taking up jiu-jitsu. But don’t risk your employment and freedom for a cool story this late in life.”

Sadly, Medico only fell deeper into depression after finding his old Tumblr and discovering a blog post where he excitedly talked about finding a $5 bill on BART.

You Gave a Bad Review To the Wrong Etsy Seller, Motherfucker

Posted on February 16, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

“Overall, a huge disappointment and not worth the money or hassle”

You know what those are? Those are your last words, asshole.

Yeah. You, Mister One-Star. Maybe you’d have done better to keep that mouth of yours shut, because you, my friend, have made a very powerful enemy.

Did you not think that your vicious slander against my good name would go unnoticed? Like a coward, you hid behind an anonymous review, but rest assured, it was but a minor detour until I uncovered your true identity, you pathetic piece of shit. Now, the shoe is on the other foot you despicable maggot and that shoe shall crush you like the worthless insect that you are.

Perhaps you mistook me for some kind of spineless cuck? I can understand how you would make that mistake. Well, despite my involvement in the digital, artisanal knick-knack industry, I am not some candy-ass motherfucker who is going to let a regional sales manager disparage my good name and reputation.

Word of advice, tough guy: you probably don’t want to fuck with a man who has your name, address, credit card info, and nothing to lose. If you think flaming you on Twitter was bad, just wait until you get a load of what else I have in store for you. Those days of me calling you a pedophile via various anonymous Twitter accounts will seem like a goddamned beach vacation, you can bet on that.

Think I won’t follow through and that this is all just empty threats? Guess again.

I’m an Etsy seller, motherfucker. I’ve got nothing but time on my hand and a lot of frustrated creativity to come up with new ways to make you my bitch.

You said some pretty bad things about something I’ve poured my entire heart and soul into. Things that we both know are flat out lies. Did you think I was just going to take this insult to my life and livelihood sitting down? What kind of man would I be if I did that? How could I look my wife in the eyes as we made love or raise my children knowing that you’re out there, acting as though your shit doesn’t stink?

No, no, my friend. Satisfaction must be, shall, and will be mine.

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