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Best Days Behind 30-Year-Old Weren’t Really Even That Great

ANTIOCH, Calif. — Local punk Dom Medico realized yesterday that his so-called “glory days” that are now far in his rearview mirror were mostly boring and filled with inactivity, sources close to the rapidly aging man confirmed.

“People kept warning me that as soon as I hit 30 I’d have to grow up, so I tried to make sure that my teens and 20s were filled with exciting, once-in-a-lifetime experiences,” said Medico. “But when I look back on my life I really don’t remember anything worth a damn. A lot of my friends have crazy stories about fights, touring, and run-ins with cops, but I think the most exciting thing that happened to me was the time I ordered a footlong at Subway and they only charged me for a 6” sub.”

“I mean, that saved me like, $3 because it was a combo meal and I’m super grateful, but it’s not a great story,” he added. “I feel like I’ve wasted my life.”

Friends of Medico agreed.

“Dom is one of my favorite people, but, man… the guy is sort of a dud. He goes to bed at 9 p.m. every night no matter what, and he’s done that for as long as I’ve known him. Nothing cool happens before midnight. Nothing,” said longtime friend Debbie Graves. “He’s the only guy I know that’s always had a full-time job. I guess it’s kind of cool that he has some money set aside for retirement, but it’s not cool in the ‘we beat the shit out of six off-duty police officers’ sort of way. He still talks about the time he got a bag of Skittles that only had red ones inside.”

Experts warn against aging punks trying to make up for the boring lives they’ve led as they enter their 30s.

“It’s fine if you don’t have a cool story about getting high on LSD and breaking into your old elementary school. Please don’t try to do that as a full-grown adult — it’s not cute, and you’re not even on your parent’s insurance anymore, so if something happens, you’re going to be totally fucked,” said sociologist May Warner. “I recommend finding a hobby like mountain biking, or maybe even taking up jiu-jitsu. But don’t risk your employment and freedom for a cool story this late in life.”

Sadly, Medico only fell deeper into depression after finding his old Tumblr and discovering a blog post where he excitedly talked about finding a $5 bill on BART.