What the Fuck? “Big Score” in Heist Movie From 1990 Is $29,000

Posted on by Kyle Donley

If you’re anything like me, you like to end a nice long day of crushing it at your dead-end job by perusing Tubi for movies that you remember seeing the covers of at Blockbuster when you were a kid. The idea is, if you manage to see them all one day, you’ll finally fill that deep, dark void inside of you.

So yeah, I decided to watch this one with Billy Zane, you know the one where the cover is him running all cool with a metallic briefcase in his hand and there’s a sniper’s target on him? Opens with a really gratuitous, sepia-toned sex scene with an actress who looks like the big sister in Troll 2, but it’s not on her IMDB, so who knows? We’re talking full frontal by the time we get to the First Assistant Director credit (Tanner Skinmintz if you were curious). You know that one?

Right, so everything was going according to plan in regards to my catatonic enjoyment of the proceedings, the small bombardment of texts from my mom reminding me that I still owed her $2,700 notwithstanding. But by the time we reached the end of the first act, it’s revealed that this one last job at the Monte Carlo International Banking Institute was only going to net $29,000. And while I initially found that funny, it’s actually very distracting now.

Listen, I’m aware that inflation is a thing, but why is everyone in the film referring to $29,000 as a life-changing amount of money? There’s no way Billy Zane’s going to be able to retire, move to Panama, and start a banana farm as he post-coitally suggests to Jennifer Jason-Leigh in a hammock. Also, there are 5 of them! That’s like, $5,800 per person. Holy shit, Ernie Hudson just shot someone in the head for $5,800! These guys are literally risking their lives for 3 months’ worth of rent.

I can’t tell if this movie is just poorly written or if our economy is just that irreparably fucked. Like, now I’m looking up inflation rates on my phone which is not at all the vibe I was trying to cultivate here. It’s not like this movie is that old; it’s only been… 35 years? Fuck that’s old! Fuck, I’m old!

I just paid $81 for GrubHub, and I’m the poorest person I know. How could our economy let this happen? I should be running the goddamn banana farm! Do you realize how powerful I could be if I lived inside this movie? I could have Ernie Hudson kill my mom for the amount of money she’s asking me to pay for barely crashing her car. Reality is such bullshit.

“That Kind of Music Sounds All The Same,” Says Fucking Genius Friend Who Figured Out How Genres Work

Posted on by Stephen Bell

UPPER ARLINGTON, Ohio — Local fucking genius music critic Sam Buchman recently made very poignant critiques of all of their friends music tastes after pointing out how music within a certain genre tends to sound the same, according to peers thoroughly impressed by his ineffable insight.

“My friends as much as I love them really are philistines when it comes to understanding music,” said Buchman while carrying around a Neutral Milk Hotel record as a fashion accessory. “Everything they listen to sounds the same. Like they don’t even seem to notice that the ska music they listen to is completely dependent on guitar upstrokes and a horn section, or that reggae uses so many goddamned steel drums. I mean could it be any more contrived or dare I say derivative?”

Friends were nearly dumbfounded by Buchman’s ability to point out these musical consistencies.

“The way he was able to really break down my favorite songs by simply telling me they sucked because they sounded somewhat similar sure was something,” said friend Kaitlyn Niner. “He definitely knows what the word contrived means and doesn’t simply say it because he heard someone smarter than him say it first to describe a piece of music. It’s certainly not the case that he doesn’t even care for music but more so that he gets off on criticizing the things other people like. He’s so erudite and precise in his criticisms that certainly he deserves a fucking award or some shit.”

The Grammy awards were apparently in agreement as they announced they were going to nominate him as part of the newly created “Best Music Critic” category.

“Never have we heard of a more witty or acerbic music critic than young Mr. Buchman here,” said Grammy spokesperson Niki Patel. “His powerful vision into how shitty and repetitive so many different kinds of music are make us really think about how wrong we were to like something that hit consistent beats. It’s like how anyone who likes chocolate is wrong for pretending that chocolate is anything but a one note food without any variety because it’s all chocolate in the end. Which is why he deserves this award.”

At press time, Buchman could be seen getting into the film critic space after pointing out how many movies have similar plot structures.

Woman’s Morning Positive Affirmations Replaced with Fiona Apple’s 1997 VMAs “This World is Bullshit” Speech

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

NEW YORK CITY — Local woman Ashleigh Deacon officially replaced her morning positive affirmations with the entirety of Fiona Apple’s 1997 MTV Video Music Awards “this world is bullshit” speech, confirmed sources.

“I used to buy into the whole ‘manifest abundance’ thing and would start every morning with an organic smoothie and a cold splash of water while saying inspirational quotes and motivational phrases into my bathroom mirror,” the 38-year-old administrative project manager said. “It was this ‘fake it ’til you make it’ thing. I was trying to feel like a winner, someone who could conquer anything this world threw at me. But after rewatching the 1997 VMAs as I do once a month, I was inspired by Fiona’s speech. This world is bullshit, and it’s not worth conquering. So I repeat it every morning in the mirror, during traffic, and when trying to make small talk with colleagues at work until it finally sinks in.”

Neighbors have noticed a marked change in Deacon’s demeanor, and are grateful for the change of tone.

“Honestly, it’s been a nice change of pace, we share a bathroom wall and I can hear her every goddamn morning. You could tell she was on the verge of a breakdown,” said Cassandra Bolvin, Deacon’s long-time next door neighbor. “Occasionally, she’d half-ass mumble a brilliant Maya Angelou quote, and it seemed borderline disrespectful. What’s fascinating is it turns out that Apple also referenced the brilliant words of Maya Angelou in the infamous ’97 speech specifically. I think in order to tap into her own power and understand anyone’s work on a deeper level, Ashleigh just really needed to rediscover that this world is poppycock.”

Scientists have confirmed that vocally admitting reality is bullshit to yourself can help a person come to terms with the absurdity of human consciousness.

“Our brains develop neurological pathways at a very early age, creating survival techniques and coping mechanisms that may no longer serve us as adults,” said Dr. Phoenix Bailey of NYU’s Center for Neurological Study. “This individual was clearly attempting to rewire her own brain with positive affirmations, which only reinforced the self-abnegating tendencies that she learned in her childhood. Instead, she is now creating healthier, stronger neural pathways that better map the extreme reality that this world is nonsense. Though I must say, the section in which Ashleigh thanks music producer Andrew Slater every morning feels off.”

At press time, Deacon stated that she’s fully absorbed the information that “this world is bullshit” and plans to quote Apple’s sophomore album title “When the Pawn…”

Whoops: We Sat Down With Jason Voorhees Because We Thought He Was a Member of Slipknot

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh man, we really need to do more research before we set up our interviews. To be fair, we are not huge nu-metalheads, but that’s really no excuse. It only would have taken the most rudimentary amount of research to learn that Slipknot does not have any large, machete-wielding percussionists who wear hockey masks, so truly, we’re sorry about this. We just went full-speed ahead because we were so focused on all the clicks we’d be getting, and we weren’t thinking clearly. Again, our bad. Anyway, here’s a recap of our completely misguided attempt to interview Jason Voorhees.

We should have known something was up when the only way we were able to get him to sit down was by putting on an old, beige sweater and pretending to scold him like his mother did. Nevertheless, once he was seated across from us, we proceeded to ask him about his experience recording “Iowa,” only to be met with complete silence and a slowly rising machete. Suffice it to say, the interview came to a fairly abrupt halt when Jason stood up and started trying to decapitate us.

You could imagine our confusion as we were running for our lives from what we still assumed was a member of a prominent nu-metal band. It was only after we stumbled into that isolated shed in the woods and came across the corpse of our intern Dustin hanging upside-down from the ceiling that we realized this was not a Slipknot member thirsting for our blood. Apparently Dustin had been smoking grass in the woods during pre-marital sex again. We made a mental note to send his parents a bereavement basket and hid in a batch of what we later learned was poison sumac until Jason presumably got sick of us and gave up.

So yeah, we’re alive, thankfully, but that’s pretty small consolation when you’re completely covered in maddeningly itchy, blistering rashes. The worst part is, our editor is still expecting a full transcript of our Slipknot interview on his desk by next week. We’re hoping to overshadow our fuckup by crushing our next interview, but we’re absolutely going to have to double-check our appointment with that guy who recently escaped from an insane asylum where he had been kept since he killed his sister and her boyfriend when he was six, because he might not in fact be the bassist for Mudvayne.

Man Who Sold Burned CDs of Limewire MP3s Out of His Locker Arrested After Decades Long Manhunt

Posted on by Brian Wishart

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jason Ulbrych was arrested after being accused of selling burned CDs out of his locker full of MP3s he downloaded off of Limewire while he was a teenager, ending a decades long manhunt, confirmed sources.

“Ulbrych was selling copyrighted material,” said FBI agent Norm Smith-Johnson. “We believe in upholding the law and punishing serious crimes. It took us 25 years but our team of over three dozen agents have finally tracked down the culprit who sold the burned CD that is titled with black sharpie ‘Jason’s Cool Beatz.’ We cannot have dangerous criminals selling unregulated media that contains ‘The Hampster Dance Song’ and Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre.’ He is facing up to 20 years imprisonment for his crimes.”

Ulbrych is in custody and claims that he barely remembers selling that CD back when he was young but admits that he did the crime.

“It was something that pretty much everyone did at school,” said Ulbrych. “We heard the warnings that it was wrong and we were taking money from starving artists like Metallica and Destiny’s Child. I think I put that $5 I made towards a Linkin Park album. I will accept my punishment and hope to get out of prison soon with good behavior. I will miss seeing my lovely wife each day and I will never forgive myself for missing the birth of our daughter.”

The FBI executed the raid off of an anonymous tip who reportedly is the person Ulbrych sold the CD in question to.

“I was cruising the FBI tip site to look up serial killers and other dangerous criminals for my true crime podcast when I saw a familiar description in their Most Wanted List,” said Natalie Suzuki. “Our school was mentioned and the CD seller matched the description of that guy I was in social studies class with. I saw they were offering a $10,000 reward so I called it in. I believe in supporting artists. That’s why I always listen to my music directly from YouTube without paying for a premium service.”

At press time, Suzuki has yet to be paid the reward money and the FBI is denying they ever offered a bounty on their website despite the offer still being listed.

Trump Says if Americans In D.C. Don’t Start Cooperating He Will Call in the IDF

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump threatened the residents of the nation’s capital by saying that if they don’t fall in line and obey the orders of American law enforcement agencies he will be forced to call in the IDF to restore order, sources confirmed.

“We are going to get this city back under control by any means necessary. I’ve order the National Guard, the FBI, the CIA, and even a couple of other agencies you havent even heard of, and these are really bad dudes, to sweep the streets. But if people decide to whine and complain I have a nice surprise for them, I’m going to call in the IDF and let them go nuts, they are already paid for by American taxpayers, we might as well use them,” said Trump. “The IDF soldiers are a different breed. They don’t give a crap about anything. I’ve seen them shoot children right in the face and not even flinch. I honestly wish we had more of that here. We could finally get rid of the radical left Antifa maniac children who have been indoctrinated by critical race theory in their preschools to hate America.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was excited about the prospect of his fighting forces on American soil.

“It’s a well-known fact that most of America is a Hamas stronghold. Cities like New York, D.C., and Los Angeles are almost entirely populated by Hamas operatives and it would be a dream to come in and open fire on anyone we suspect to be a terrorist, whether they be man, woman, child, or rescue dog,” said Netanyahu. “We are working closely with the Trump administration to be able to mobilize our troops at a moment’s notice. He has already promised us the full use of Air Force One, and the same airplane that the government seized from Jeffrey Epstein.”

Officials from the Democrat party were quick to condemn Trump’s actions.

“We will simply not stand for this. As soon as we get back from our summer recess we vow to write multiple stern emails and send them directly to the official White House email address. We also promise to stand up to this tyranny by wearing a small pin on our lapels that show we stand against fascism. We aren’t sure what that pin will look like yet, but we are bouncing around some really cool ideas,” said Hakeem Jeffries. “But, also we want to let the IDF know we support their efforts to defend themselves against any Americans who fight back against them if they are to enter our cities. We stand with the IDF in condemning any forms of anti-semitism, which includes criticizing the IDF.”

At press time, President Trump threatened to declare Martial Law in the city after seeing a few Black teenagers loitering outside of a 7-Eleven.

Six Injured at Tesla Diner After Tuna Melt Sandwich Explodes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Emergency crews were dispatched to the newly opened Tesla Diner after six patrons were left with life-threatening injuries as a result of one of the restaurant’s tuna melt sandwiches blowing up, witnesses have confirmed.

“It was actually a pretty smooth meal until I got to the third bite. That’s when the damn thing started smoking and then exploded searing tuna and cheese all over the place! Considering the bread can only be put out with a chemical extinguisher, I was able to walk away with only half my face burnt off. I’m a little disappointed considering it was a two month wait to get a table,” said victim Troy Williams. “Still, I have to trust Elon knows best and he’ll figure out why the tuna was sourced from an exploding fish hatchery. I’m hoping he sees my post on X and can cover my hospital stay, or at least reimburse my dinner.”

Tesla Diner’s general manager was adamant the accident was purely user error.

“While I sympathize with Mr. Williams and the family next to him who are in the ICU, upon our own internal investigation it was clear that the sandwich was being improperly consumed. He had activated ‘hands free mode’ by setting the tuna melt back onto the plate, on top of it being in direct sunlight causing it to overheat,” said Devin McCalister. “I have already compensated everyone within the blast radius with a free small coffee, and we have updated our T&S to remind patrons that saliva will compromise the structural integrity of the food.”

The L.A. health inspector noted that it was only a matter of time before tragedy struck.

“I have been here nine times to address multiple complaints, and every time I just get more excuses. Not only is their tuna inflammable, the grilled cheese gets stuck in people’s throats, the buns on the chicken sandwich don’t align, and the pecan pie has broken teeth in half in addition to being dry,” said Veronica Sutton. “Every time I try to cite this place I get doxxed and death threats from the staff. Mark my words, it’s only a matter of time before someone loses their tongue getting it stuck in a smash burger.”

As of press time, Tesla has pushed out an update to the sandwich’s safety features, but only if the diners have Neuralink installed.

Opinion: Miss Rachel’s Outspokenness on Genocide Makes Bluey’s Silence All the More Deafening

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m a perfect person. We’ve all had times when we’ve failed to meet the moment. But if Miss Rachel can speak out about the genocide in Gaza, why would we tolerate anything less from the fictional, animated Blue Heeler puppy, Bluey.

Before anyone rushes to her defense, I know that Bluey is only seven years old. But guess what? In human years, that’s thirty-five. THIRTY-FIVE! Are you really gonna sit there and tell me that a thirty-five-year-old shouldn’t have to address the horrors going on in the world?

Miss Rachel is the picture of bravery. She continues to not back down and speak up for what is right and just. Meanwhile, all Bluey can say is “oh biscuits” and “for real life!” Well, she can bark “for real life” all she wants, but IN REAL LIFE, she is doing nothing to help those in need. And she should be fucking ashamed. Bad dog. BAD DOG!

Obviously, when it comes to the crisis in Gaza, Bluey is not the only one to blame. Really blame goes to the entire Heeler clan. Bandit, you’re a good dad, but there is blood on your hands. Bingo, bad girl. Chili, we honestly expected better. Shame on you all.

Sure, I know some of you may say, “Why are focusing so much on a Bluey? Is it because the horrors of watching genocide on a phone every day have burned away the nerve endings to your understanding of what the human experience is, thereby unconsciously affirming the idea that to be human is to experience constant pain? Are you satirizing opinion pieces that throw blame anywhere but the cause of the problem, because they know in the end opinions change nothing, and the only thing that will destroy this apocalyptic machine of death is violent uprising but that concept is too terrifying because we all just wanna eat pizza and watch The Traitors, so the best most of us can do is to feign outrage on our social media over the biggest humanitarian crisis of our lifetime? Are you writing this because in the end, comedy feels like the safest avenue to express the helplessness you feel as the world is entirely engulfed by fascism?” Wait, shit, yeah, that is why I’m writing this. Sorry, Bluey’s fine and Ms. Rachel rules.

Christian Rock Band Waiting Until Marriage to Write Songs About Sex

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local Christian rock band Trust Fall revealed that they are waiting until marriage to write any songs related to sexual intercourse, confirmed sources.

“Due to my religious beliefs, I abstain from composing songs about plowing until I say ‘I do’ or I get writer’s block and can’t think of any other lyrical topics,” said singer Lee Grommet. “Sure, I get laid all the time and have for years, but our songs will remain lyrically celibate until I find that special someone to blow my entire savings on a wedding with. After all, God once said, ‘Thou shalt not sing about boning until matrimony,’ and as a follower of Christ and someone who is driven by religious guilt, I will fully obey the gospel. Luckily there’s nothing in the Bible about pre-marital sex, so I think I’m good on that front. I don’t know for sure though. I’ve never read that thing.”

Fans of the band supported their decision to remain lyrically untainted.

“Finally a Christian rock band I can get behind,” said churchgoer Nancy Buxton. “It’s like every song on the radio is about sexual intercourse. ‘Tears in Heaven,’ ‘The Boys Are Back in Town,’ ‘Amish Paradise.’ Nothing but tracks about smashing. I wish more music would be sex-free, you know like Cardi B’s ‘WAP’ or LL Cool J’s ‘Doin’ It.’ Coitus is gross enough. I don’t need to hear about it through the magic of song too.”

Experts predicted that the band would run out of content to write about fairly quickly.

“Christian rock bands don’t exactly have an abundance of subject matter to pull from when coming up with material,” said music historian Grace Kurtz. “They do have God at their disposal, but that’s pretty much it. A good 65% of songs are about making love in some form or another. Another 15% is about drugs or partying. Then 10% is about politics and another 8% is about God. The remaining 2% just asks the question, ‘Who let the dogs out?’ A question we may never have an answer to.”

At press time, the band finally decided to write a song about sex but only using euphemisms and are set to release their new single “Bumpin’ Uglies” next month.

Libertarian Teen Enjoys Freedom From Friendships

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

ORLAND PARK, Ill. — Local 17-year-old Nick Stultus espoused his libertarian philosophies in every social interaction, even if doing so prevented him from being invited to parties, having a girlfriend or finding a single peer who enjoys his company, according to sources who listened.

“My advanced reasoning skills allow me to recognize how the demands that enslave lesser beings who are shackled by friendships would limit my personal sovereignty,” Stutlus said. “So many people wrongly assume I’d like to waste my weekends driving around, cracking jokes with buddies. But that’s because they’ve been brainwashed into believing coercive human connections and building community are more meaningful than dedicating your Friday and Saturday nights to scouring YouTube for old interviews of Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand.”

Classmate Emmett Merrick questioned Stultus’s self-assessment.

“People don’t avoid Nick because he’s a libertarian; they avoid him because he’s a relentlessly self-righteous asshole,” Merrick claimed. “Since middle school he’s berated me because my parents are public school teachers, making them, in his words, ‘Collectivist Commies.’ He also gets combative with some of the teachers at our high school about how ‘taxation is theft.’ He says their salaries make them accomplices in ‘fiscal crimes against humanity.’ And he never talks about decriminalizing drugs or women having freedom over their own bodies; if he was that kind of libertarian, he might earn some respect and have a friend or two. I think Nick just says he’s a libertarian to give an intellectual veneer to his racist, sexist and classist ignorance. He’s basically a libertarian poseur. He acts like he’s all about personal responsibility, but I bet his mom still makes his lunches.”

Roark Vander Kurt, a men’s rights attorney and author of “Saving the Lone Wolves: Boys In Crisis In Woke America,” sees Stultus as an extreme example of a troubling trend.

“I haven’t met Nick personally but his plight touches me deeply because he epitomizes how our culture victimizes young men whose idealism doesn’t fit the cookie-cutter parameters sanctioned by the American thought-police,“ Vander Kurt said. “Here’s a young man who is cruelly shunned when he should be respected, even celebrated, for his fierce advocacy of free markets, personal liberty and property rights. At least he doesn’t have all those friends getting in the way of him living his life.”

At press time, Vander Kurt blocked Stutlus on X after a DM exchange got testy when the lawyer rejected the young libertarian’s request to chaperone him to a Turning Point USA conference.