Punk’s Best Anecdote Very Similar to Sober Friend’s Rock Bottom Story

Posted on by Tim Graham

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local tattooist Eddie Greer’s proud tale of drunken excess bears a close resemblance to his friend’s worst night, according to mutual friends.

“So this one night, I pregamed for a house show with Fireball whiskey. I guess it didn’t sit well with the 40 of Old English, because I ended up spewing cinnamon vomit all over everyone in the pit as well as the band,” said Greer. “After that I recall hitting on some chick upstairs, still covered in puke. The cops wound up raiding the show. The last thing I remember is standing on a cop car hood and pissing all over the windshield while a crowd of punks cheered. When a pig tackled me, I elbowed him in the nuts and managed to escape into the woods. That night was fucking epic.”

Greer’s friend and former drinking buddy Paolo Costa looks back on his own drunken hijinks with regret.

“I went to that show with Eddie,” said the now-sober Costa. “Geez, I must’ve had three or four beers within a couple of hours so I was feeling a bit tipsy myself. I only had a soft boiled egg for dinner and I guess the booze really hit me hard. I remember making an ass of myself by mistaking Mission of Burma with The Mission UK when I was talking to a girl I liked. I think the last straw was that I woke up late for class and wound up only getting a B+ on an exam. That and the terrible headache was the wake-up call I needed to swear off booze forever.”

Addiction counselor Melissa Weingarten of Shady Spruce Rehabilitation says she’s heard all manner of rock bottom stories.

“Part of my job is listening to stories of people at their lowest,” said Weingarten. “Most of the patients here have similar sorts of banal rock bottoms. You know, ‘Boo-hoo, I lost my job’ or ‘Wahh, my wife left me.’ But once in a while, I get to hear something really juicy. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I get bored hearing the same old woe-is-me stuff, so I’m actually grateful when someone comes in here with a story about shitting their pants at a wedding or stealing a cop car.”

At press time, Greer clarified that the woman he attempted to woo while covered in vomit is now his wife.

We Sat Down to Discuss Strategy with Longtime DNC Strategists Ned Flanders’s Parents

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

As the United States descends further into fascistic chaos, the American people continue to look to their elected leaders to enact policies that will prevent the GOP from running further amok. Critics have denounced the Democratic party for lacking clear strategic goals and acting upon them. To get to the bottom of this, we sat down with longtime DNC strategists and Ned Flanders’s parents, Nedward Sr. and Capri Flanders. 

Thanks for meeting with us today, we’re sure you must be very busy. 

Nedward: Thanks man, we’re sick of talking with a buncha losers straight from Squaresville man!! 

Capri: Yeah, you gotta help us, doc! 

Okay we’re not doctors, not sure where you got that idea — and we’re not really here to offer help — but we would like to know how you would respond to your critics who have noted the Democratic Party has lacked both strategy and action.

Capri: We don’t believe in strategy man, those are like RULES! 

You don’t believe in strategy, but you’re the council in charge of DNC strategy? 

Capri: That’d be like, telling people what to DO man!! And we can’t do that!!

Nedward: Yeah, we gave up telling people what to do when we started living like freaky beatniks, man!!! 

Okay, but, for example, Rep. Chuck Schumer was evidently using the “strategy” of conceding to a bunch of harmful GOP policies in the hopes they would compromise and concede to at least a few Democratic suggestions. They didn’t, and actually enacted more conservative policies. Have you considered telling him that it might actually be helpful to have a definable strategy with actual, specific goals?

Nedward: We couldn’t tell Chuckie what to do, MAN!! That’d be like telling Gene Krupa not to go BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP BAP, Tsss tssss, boom boom BAP BAP BAP

So not even just, uh, Chuckie, but for example the Democratic party couldn’t even come together in the legislature to decline to “thank” ICE for their “service.”

Nedward: BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP, TSSS TSSS!!! *both Capri and Nedward descended into nonsensical and possibly musically inaccurate jazz sounds.*

Also, not sure Gene Krupa is the most engaging reference for today but uh, speaking of reaching your base, even before the election the DNC refused to have a trans speaker at their conference in an attempt to appeal to moderates but instead just completely alienated their base and also didn’t end up winning over any moderates. Have you considered having a strategy or clearly stating your ideals at all? 

Capri: You gotta help us doc! We tried nothing and we’re all out of ideals! 

Lousy beatnicks. 

Editor’s note: We would’ve continued this interview but Trump and RFK started running around Congress, punching people in the face and yelling “Whee! I’m Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that Prune Face! Now, I’m Prune Face! Take that Dick Tracy! Now I’m Prune Tracy! Take that Dickf……” and we figured someone should step in and try to do SOMETHING.

Zohran Mamdani Announces Plans for Free Tour Buses for Shitty Dive Bands

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

NEW YORK — New York Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani revealed that plans for his mayoral term will include providing shitty local dive bands with free tour buses, confirmed sources. 

“The first 100 days in office are crucial, and as we work on providing free buses for all of New York, I plan to extend the offer to the worst Bushwick dive bands I can find. It’s important as New Yorkers that we support the arts no matter how out of tune their bass guitar is or how many women they’ve given chlamydia to,” explained Mamdani. “Who knows, they could be the next Geese. Or maybe they’ll ride the tour bus out of the city and will settle far away in upstate New York with unrealized dreams that morph into an obsession with IPAs and television made before their hair began thinning.” 

Local dive band Red Piss Ants was reportedly thrilled with the new legislation. 

“This is so huge for us really. We’ve spent so many years spitting Zyns out on the subway and fighting public intoxication charges, now we can just drunk-ride home from the pub that we play in. If only real venues would book us then this would really be exciting,” marveled frontman Simon Mathis. “We won’t be slaves to the train anymore. Plus, we can finally tour in farther places, ones we’ve never been to before. Like Rutherford, New Jersey.” 

However, Upper West Side band Honks found the new legislation to be a bit stringent. 

“So it turns out in order to qualify for the government tour bus subsidy you have to be artistically underprivileged, so because we have management and play at actual venues we aren’t eligible to receive a free bus,” groveled bassist Jason George. “Why can’t we get support? We’re still nowhere near the top. Whatever happened to supporting the middle class? This is like stimulus checks all over again. I suppose it’s good he’s freezing rents though. At least we have a rent-controlled studio to smash instruments and think about making a record in.”

At press time, Mamdani was found at a rally revealing that his run for mayor was actually just a guerilla marketing front to promote his rap career. 

Ken Burns’ ‘History of Grindcore’ 12 Seconds Long

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ARLINGTON, Va. — PBS surprised viewers that a new documentary from acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns titled “History of Grindcore” clocked in at exactly 12 seconds, producers have confirmed.

“As much as I am in love with the rich tapestry of American history, I thought it might be fun to get out of my comfort zone and cover a subject I knew next to nothing about. My nephew suggested I listen to Napalm Death and it was clear the world needed to learn about the terrifying world of grindcore. And after six months and hundreds of hours of interviews and archival footage, I managed to put together 12 seconds of salvageable material due to our equipment getting damaged in the mosh pits,” said Burns. “I know some viewers will be disappointed about the runtime but much like the music, they’ll get the gist of the entire scene within the first four seconds.”

Grindcore fans were happy to see the genre potentially expand to a wider audience.

“I didn’t think Burns could pull it off because he’s kind of a poser and made two movies about sports but it’s a true love letter to the genre. I’ve said time and time again that more people need to know that Anal Cunt is just as influential as the Beatles and this documentary nailed it, despite it dragging around the middle,” said Trevor Hendrickson. “I think the only improvement I’d have made is if he titled it something cooler like “Foreskins for Dinner” or something. Other than that, I’d recommend it to anyone willing to put in the time to watch it.”

PBS, who funded the documentary, said it was part of a strategy to reach a broader audience.

“Since funding is running dry, we thought it would be prudent to elicit some new viewers by diving into subjects outside of Americana and nature. Even though I’m a bit perturbed Ken blew $200,000 to make a documentary shorter than a pledge drive phone call, it’s a huge hit with punks and people with extremely short attention spans,” said programming director Michael Nesbit. “We’ve already greenlit new projects covering the drink ticket black market in rural Kansas’ punk scene, as well as the world of Autozone metalheads. Somebody has to fill the void left by Vice, it might as well be the people who brought you Antiques Roadshow.”

Burns later revealed he found enough leftover footage for a six second documentary about Bolt Thrower crew necks. 

Brave! This Care Bear Just Added ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ to His Belly Badge

Posted on by Rachel Hein

In the faraway cloud-based land of “Care-a-Lot,” part of a larger geographic region known as “The Kingdom of Caring”, one Care Bear, Share Bear, has been wrestling with his identity as a fundamentally sharing-and caring-bear who believes love is not a finite resource. He wants to spread his love to every bear in the kingdom. Where does this leave him? Ethical Non-Monogamy. Better known as EMN. It’s time he finally lives his truth as a bear with a burning, carnal desire to share himself.

Share Bear, known for his lavender fur and iconic lollipop belly badge (the unique symbol on each bear’s stomach representing their personality, role, or power), has officially come out as ethically non-monogamous, unveiling a new badge featuring an infinity heart, the official symbol of the ENM community. 

In the rebrand, he has found deeper meaning than ever before. “For too long I was just sharing cookies, toys, and feelings… but I always knew I wanted more,” Share Bear shared. “Now I’m sharing me. And that feels good. So good.” Share Bear also acknowledges the importance of communication and transparency when engaging in extremely intimate and deep emotional and physical connections with multiple bears at the same time who are all fully aware and enthusiastic participants. 

But Share Bear’s transformation sent ripples through Care-a-Lot, and reactions from his ursine counterparts were a mixed bag. 

Friend Bear, donning flowers on his belly, was utterly baffled by Share Bear’s advances, unsure if hugs were still appropriate. Oopsy Bear fell to his knees in despair upon learning Share Bear had twelve other romantic partners and that their nights in the clouds weren’t exclusive. Meanwhile, Grumpy Bear retreated to the shadow of a storm cloud, muttering about traditional love structures and the existential threat posed by radical openness.

Ultimately, the Care Bears’ raison d’être is to spread care and positivity around the world. What we’re seeing now is a modern bear standing in his power, refusing to restrict his endless supply of love to one bear.

He now stands before us, among his fuzzy brethren, all in a line, rubbing their belly badges — their signature move — activating a powerful beam of light, love, and cheer that shoots from their bellies. Then, in a breathtaking moment, Share Bear turns to aim his belly beam at the other bears, sending a powerful surge of warmth and delight, leaving them blissful and euphoric.

Headset Microphone on Drummer Mostly Picks Up Heavy Breathing

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

ATLANTA — The Howling Goons’ plan to let their drummer assume extra vocal duties backfired thanks to his headset microphone amplifying his labored breathing, gum chewing, and throat-clearing alongside his stellar, out-of-this-world harmonies, confirmed sources.

“I’ve never felt more free,” rejoiced Kurt Stagwood while loudly sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend lozenge to ensure he could hit the high notes. “Back in the mic stand days, I’d always wrestle with the damn thing, and it interfered with my drumming in ways that make me so angry just thinking about it. Now that we’re headlining with three-hour sets, it’s one less thing to worry about. When it’s time to belt out the chorus, all I have to do is open my mouth and do my thing. I never want to go back to the old way, because our audience deserves these high-quality performances.”

Howling Goons’ lead vocalist Bryan Stillborn is at his wits’ end after exhausting every possible option in his efforts to mitigate Stagwood’s unintentional extras dominating his in-ear monitors.

“Look, I’m glad Kurt’s backing me up with his amazing singing. Drummers with perfect pitch don’t come around often, and he sings like a fucking angel,” said Stillborn while fiddling with the mixing board, desperately trying to dial out the frequency that picks up post-nasal drip. “But we’re a traveling band, Kurt has all the allergies, and he insists on his mid-set bag of ‘emergency Cheetos,’ the crunchy kind, for that carb boost to keep himself running hot during that mid-set crash. We’re high energy, so when he really gets going on the kit, it sounds like a walrus passing a kidney stone and everybody can hear it.”

ASMR expert Kathy Greenblatt weighs in on how to handle Stagwood’s phlegm gems without upsetting the band’s dynamic. 

“Kurt is a stellar vocalist, and his newfound freedom makes their live show infinitely better,” asserted Greenblatt while rapping her fingernails on a freshly cooked chicken cutlet for her YouTube channel. “And losing the flexibility of the hands-free mic will hurt their performance. What they should do is record the isolated headset tracks off the board and sell them to people who use that stuff to either fall asleep or rub one out. With an entirely new revenue stream, they can hire a proper sound guy to dial out the noise.”

At press time, Stagwood was spotted strapping a portable fan to his neck to keep cool under the stage lights.

Stephen Miller to Receive $1488 Christmas Bonus

Posted on by Reece Napierski

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans for Stephen Miller to receive a Christmas bonus of $1488, confirmed sources.

“They say there’s a nice list and a naughty list and while many of the radical left Democrats are naughty, Stephen has always been the nice to me and that’s what matters. Can you believe that? He’s been a very good boy, and no one knows boys like me,” said the President. “Stephen won’t stop talking about something called a negative canthal tilt and predator eyes, but it’s better than anything JD has ever said to me so we’re gonna give him some money. Earlier this year, we gave Stephen a bonus check of $420 because that’s Hitler’s birthday, and no one talks about Adolph more than that man.” 

Upon hearing of the bonus, Miller demanded that it be directly allocated from the stolen assets of the people who have been deported without due process.

“Trump told me this was a ‘loyalty dividend’ and that I shouldn’t spend it all in one Hobby Lobby,” said Miller while practicing his signature frown in the mirror. “I can’t wait to tell the boys on 4Chan about this. I get all my political strategy ideas from there. Trump is receptive to all of them, even if he doesn’t understand the accompanying memes I send along.”

In related news, White House spokesperson Gunther Porkins announced today that the President was also in talks with Gene Simmons to grant $666 checks to all members of the KISS army.

So-Called Deicide Fan Gets Into Heaven

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HEAVEN — Brock Sterling, a recently deceased metalhead and supposed fan of legendary death metal band Deicide, found himself inexplicably admitted into the Kingdom of Heaven, sources report.

“Whoa, dude, I don’t belong here,” Sterling said. “Everybody knows I’m the biggest fan of Deicide there is. They’re my favorite band of all time and I own all of their albums. I’ve never been to church, I have countless shirts with pictures of Satan on them, and I have a tattoo of a goat demon tearing a priest in two on my left bicep. The last thing I thought right before that truck hit me was ‘oh fuck yeah, time to listen to ‘Blaspherereion’ and party with Satan for all of eternity,’ and then I ended up here. There must be some kind of mistake. I knew that court-ordered volunteer work at the soup kitchen would come back to bite me in the ass.”

Sterling’s fellow deceased friend and current damned soul in the pits of Hell, Terence Merill, was also surprised where he ended up.

“Oh wow, Brock must not be as big of a Deicide fan as I thought,” Merill noted in between bouts of having boiling phlegm poured into his empty eye sockets by a member of Lucifer’s army. “I was really expecting him to end up down here with me, so it’s kind of disappointing hearing that he’s in Heaven with the ultimate poser, Jesus Christ. I really respected Brock as a death metal diehard, too. We used to listen to ‘Legion’ on repeat while drinking beer and carving pentagrams into our forearms. I’m actually kind of embarrassed now that I used to hang out with him. I hope he enjoys listening to Skillet with Billy Graham, or whatever the fuck it is they do up there.”

Deicide frontman Glen Benton provided his insight on the matter.

“Fuck that guy,” Benton said just after shooting a squirrel in the head with a pellet gun. “If he’s in Heaven, he was never actually a fan of my band. Didn’t he ever read my lyrics? I’m not really known for speaking highly of Christianity, so what the hell is he doing up there? Deicide is music made by and for the hellbound, so I’m not going to waste any more time thinking about him. Do you mind? I need to freshen up the inverted crucifix brand on my forehead.”

At press time, Sterling was seen asking St. Peter to double-check his records to make sure he belonged there.

Trump Renews Allegations of Voter Fraud After Being Denied Thrasher’s “Skater of the Year”

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — President Trump is reportedly instructing the Justice Department to look into instances of voter fraud at Thrasher Magazine after they awarded their coveted “Skater of the Year” title to Chris Joslin, sources confirmed.

“The radical left lunatics at Thrasher keep showing how irrelevant they actually are. Go look at their latest issue and you will see women skating. The only woman I want in Thrasher is Rosa covered in Shorty’s Hardware,” said Trump while setting up a new board in the Oval Office. “Tiny Chris Joslin tre flipped El Toro, big deal, I did that 12 years ago. I didn’t even film it when I did it because I considered it a warm up trick. I won’t even get into the other NBDs I did down El Toro, but a lot of people are saying I did a fakie frontside flip and nollie heelflip in the same session. Not to mention the backside flip I did over the Lyon 25, and I didn’t have football pads on under my suit like Jaws when he ollied it.”

Tim Pool, the far-right pundit and paid Russian propagandist, believes Thrasher caved into outside pressure.

“I skated flatground with him a few months ago, and he was boosting thigh-high kickflips with ease at 79 years old,” said Pool. “I told everyone at the skatepark I bought about it right before I had them arrested for trespassing. Thrasher doesn’t seem to realize that Trump is more important to skateboarding than Alva, Hawk, and the Gonz combined. But Trump isn’t looking for credit, he skates for the love of it. The new ballroom he’s having constructed is also going to have a kidney bowl and a small street course similar to The Berrics. This is just another example of the woke skateboard mob trying to discredit the president.”

Thrasher Magazine Editor-in-Chief Michael Burnett admits that Trump was, and never will be, in contention for the title.

“Trump rants on Truth Social about how shitty our magazine is, but every week he is in our DMs sending us clips and they always look like dog shit. He sent an AI video of himself doing a frontside feeble on the Cardiel rail in Union Square with a message that said ‘Did this last night.’ That rail hasn’t been there for over a decade,” said Burnett. “Every year we get criticism from all angles over who should be ‘Skater of the Year,’ and we get it. Skateboarders are passionate. But there is no way a geriatric guy in a diaper will ever be named SOTY. And that’s something Phelps felt passionately about.”

At press time, Thrasher decided to award Trump the December “Poser of the Month” title alongside a picture of the president with Jeffrey Epstein.

C-SPAN Spices Up Coverage With Congressional Kiss Cam 

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — C-SPAN unveiled an effort to spice up their political coverage today by introducing a kiss cam during live congressional proceedings, sources confirmed. 

“Since 1979, C-SPAN has been committed to bringing transparent political coverage to the masses. But with today’s low-attention spans, we needed to spice things up—and the best way we know how is watching Nancy Pelosi reach across the aisle and plant a bipartisan wet one on Mitch McConnell,” said C-SPAN CEO Sam Feist, carefully directing the new graphic to appear over the speaker’s podium. “I mean, who’s saying no to Grassley and Schumer giving us a little ‘Chuck on Chuck’ action? And how about when AOC snubbed JD Vance and left him holding his flaccid caucus in front of a packed house? Oh, damn baby, you know that had to hurt!” 

C-SPAN cameraman Doug Buford admitted it was going to take a while to adjust to expanding the traditional single-camera coverage.

“When they wanted to add a second camera angle I thought they lost their goddamn minds, but then my mind started racing with the possibilities—the US Congress is already a sexual powderkeg waiting to explode, and now all we have to do is sit back and capture the fireworks,” said Buford, wiping bodily fluid off his lens. “These politicians are constantly eye fucking each other across the floor like a bunch of horny teenagers, you just wait to see the ratings spike when I get my sights fixed on Dick Durban and Susan Collins tongue wrestling for votes live on air.”

Longtime viewer Cotton Crawford reluctantly accepted the new kiss cam, but pushed back on the station’s other new changes.

“My nursing home has refused to change the channel from C-SPAN since 2006, so I was happy to see them liven things up a little bit with the kiss cam, but I did think the hydroboat races on the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool were a little bit much,” said Crawford. “Plus the commotion of the elephant vs. donkey mascot race made it hard to hear if I still have Medicare or not. It’s not all bad though, it was pretty adorable when John Fetterman hoisted Rosa DeLaura over his head during the Simba Cam, and I can die happy after watching Ted Cruz get blasted in the face with a t-shirt cannon.”

Feist later announced plans for marathon coverage of Cory Booker attempting to break the Congressional “seven minutes in heaven” record set by Strom Thurmond in 1968.