Hasbro Releases Updated Monopoly Game with Multiple Detention Centers, Higher Rents, and No Chance of Winning

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro announced that they will be releasing an update to the classic board game Monopoly to reflect the horrors of late-stage capitalism, confirmed sources who also noted that Mr. Monopoly will receive a modern makeover by trading in his signature black top hat and cane for a red baseball cap and toothbrush mustache. 

“Here at Hasbro we empathise with what families are going through,” said Hasbro spokesperson Barnaby Otto. “The socioeconomic divide is widening and the overall quality of life is deteriorating for many people, so the middle class can no longer afford your basic Marvin Gardens or St. Charles Place. Baltic Avenue is barely even an option anymore. But when your family gathers around a Monopoly board it doesn’t matter if you’re in a spacious living room serviced by underpaid domestic laborers or playing by the light of a trashcan fire under the freeway – when you play Monopoly, you have a shot at being part of the 1% bourgeois!”

Some game testers, like Theo Hoffman, grew frustrated after spending turn after turn landing on Detention Center spaces and pulling a Community Chest card that required him to subsidize corporate welfare for the duration of the game.

“First of all, I wanted to be the Dog but the only game pieces available were Boot or Tongue-Licking-Boot,” reported a visibly distraught Hoffman. “I don’t want to be either of those things! I never even had a chance to pass Go. But I guess when you do pass Go, now you have to pay the bank 200 bucks. It was impossible to win and no fun at all. Thank goodness it’s just a game. In real life I’m going to be a teacher and make lots of money helping people!”

Cameron Kennedy, the game’s ultimate winner, scored the coveted Moneybag game piece and pulled the Inherited Wealth card on her first roll.

“Sure, I lucked my way into the game’s generational wealth prize and all the other players had to give me a percentage of any money they made in the game, but I won because I’m smart!” Kennedy insisted as she returned from a well-deserved ketamine break under the bleachers in the gymnasium. “I don’t know what Theo is complaining about. If he tried a little harder and bought up all the properties immediately like I did he could’ve won too.” 

At press time, Hasbro vows to make similar changes to other games including the removal of the education route and retirement options in the Game of Life.

Gen Alpha’s Einstein? This 5th Grader Can Read at a 5th Grade Level

Posted on by Finn Kobler

Isaac Newton, Marie Curie, the bald boy from Prison Break; every generation has their super genius. And the iPad babies, AKA the mini-millennials, AKA the children who threaten to “gallstone-maxx” me at my volunteer math tutor job, are no exception. Oh, for those curious, “gallstone-maxxing” is when you give somebody gallstones by grinding up cholesterol pills into powder, then sprinkling it in increasing quantities of said cholesterol into their vitamin water while they’re not looking. It’s as unsettling as it is impossible, and it is wildly unpleasant. Anyway… Caleb Green, Upper Grader at James Tiberius Hussein Elementary, is leaving teachers and classmates dumbfounded with his scholarship. Despite being in just fifth grade, the boy is already reading at a fifth-grade level!

“We’re talking Hatchet. We’re talking The Wild Robot. We’re talking Tuck Everlasting — out loud with minimal stuttering,” says teacher Mrs. Burzynski, Caleb’s teacher.  “He can even spell ‘effort’ correctly (minus the second f) without looking it up!” 

But his skills don’t cap at fluency; he’s downright virtuosic in comprehension too. While his peers are playing Geometry Dash and asking ChatGPT how to cyberbully Prince George, Green can compare the themes of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules “efortlessly.” Other educators thought it was hubris when he referred to himself as “the White Young Sheldon,” but he’s proven them wrong! 

In the middle of an active literacy crisis, it’s refreshing to see the torch of literary adequacy being passed down. As Green himself puts it, “reading is my light at the end of the tunnel…it shows me that, even in darkness, there is a tunnel.” He then asked the reporter to list synonyms for tunnels and laughed so hard at the word “shaft” that he had to be taken to the hospital. We wish him a speedy recovery!

Hardcore Show Doorman Enforcing Strict 14 Tattoo Minimum

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Entry to a hardcore show at a popular venue came to a standstill after the doorman announced he would be refusing entry to anyone who did not have on them a minimum of 14 tattoos, angry showgoers have confirmed.

“Nobody bats an eye when clubs only let in hot women, but I’m the asshole for wanting to cultivate an aesthetic? Fourteen tattoos is perfectly reasonable for a tape release show and I don’t want to see any of that tiny, fine line minimalistic bullshit. I don’t care if it’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen, you just have to have 30% of your body tatted up,” said Greg Tripowski. “If I let in people with like two tattoos the bands are going to assume the audience is going to be full of pussies. Anyone who wants to complain is more than welcome to check out some strip mall bar somewhere in the ‘burbs instead.” 

Many of those attempting to gain entry to the venue thought Tripowski was going too far.

“It’s a $15 cover, why the hell do I need over $2,000 worth of tattoos to get in? I have eight and a back piece and that still wasn’t enough to get in. But I’m not about to fuck with him, the guy ahead of me tried to get in with a bunch of temporary tats, and Greg went on a 10-minute rant about being a scene traitor before tossing him into the the street,” said Ryan Timms. “I was really looking forward to this show! I heard someone set up a stick and poke station in the alley, hopefully they can bang out a few quick shitty designs on my legs before the opener.”

The venue’s owner wasn’t at all phased by Tripowski’s gatekeeping style.

“I completely agree he’s a massive asshole, but I’m not about to fire the only guy in town who can hold his own at hardcore shows. And if that means he changes up the rules for entry every week, so be it,” said Danny Veruchi. “I mean if the punks around here aren’t prepared to list off every Jello Biafra spoken word album or submit a three-page essay on the connection between capitalism and policing, that’s their problem. It’s not like I can afford real security anyway.”

As of press time, Tripowski amended his rule to allow automatic entry to anyone with a Black Flag tattoo.

Irritating Friend Clearly Just Learned the Word ‘Hegemony’

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 29-year-old irritant Kyle Brenner has reportedly become “completely unbearable” after learning the existence, but not the definition of, the word ‘hegemony’ sometime over the weekend, according to friends who confirm this is the last straw.

“This happens like once a week,” said longtime friend Evan Morales, who has known Brenner since college and now actively avoids eye contact in group settings. “He scrolls the front page of /r/politics, picks up a new word, and then just deploys it nonstop like he invented it himself. Last week it was ‘enshittification.’ Before that it was ‘post-structuralism.’ Now everything is hegemony. He said the Strait of Hormuz situation is ‘a late-stage hegemonic structure that reinforces ontological hierarchies.’ I mean, what the fuck does that mean?”

Brenner, however, believes himself to be the bastion of political discourse within his friend group.

“People come to me to help make sense of the world. You guys don’t even realize how deep the hegemony goes,” Brenner said in a TikTok recording late Monday night. “Like, this situation in Hungary? Total hegemony. The way the Christian right just bends a knee to Trump’s will? That’s hegemonic behavior. For those of you that don’t know, a hegemony is, like, well, it means, it’s complicated. I can’t really define it without decentering the narrative of normative paradigms.”

Experts say this behavior is part of a broader pattern in modern political engagement.

“What we’re seeing is the rapid degradation of ideological opinions,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, a political psychologist specializing in media consumption habits. “People no longer develop a sustained, coherent political framework. Instead, they latch onto whatever concept was explained clearly on the most recent episode of ‘Last Week Tonight.’ For about 72 hours, that concept becomes their entire personality. Then it’s replaced by the next one. It’s less about understanding and more about temporarily making others think that you do.”

At press time, Brenner was reportedly transitioning away from hegemony and had begun confidently using the made-up phrase “Panopticon Deconstruction.”

Bullshit Romantic Comedy Drama Doesn’t Even Have ‘Solsbury Hill’ on the Soundtrack

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Bullshit romantic comedy drama “Crazy on You” didn’t even have English musician Peter Gabriel’s 1977 debut solo single “Solsbury Hill” on its soundtrack, disgusted viewers report.

“What the fuck, man?” movie watcher Kira Kendall complained. “What kind of romantic comedy drama is this? I’ve been watching this whole movie waiting to hear ‘Solsbury Hill’ and I’m nearing the end without having heard it even once. I thought for sure they’d play it after the scene where the protagonist hurts herself on the ski trip while trying to impress her crush, and then they kiss after he’s icing her ankle in the ski lodge while they’re sitting in front of the fire. This movie is total bullshit. I’m not going to watch any romantic comedy dramas for a while.”

Director Brad Cordin was embarrassed by his oversight.

“How could I have forgotten to add that song?” Cordin lamented. “Everyone knows it’s not a romantic comedy drama if it doesn’t have ‘Solsbury Hill.’ I had so many perfect opportunities to add it, too, like the scene in the book store where Bethany and Harold gaze into each other’s eyes after accidentally bumping their heads together while reaching for ‘Wuthering Heights’ at the same time, or later after he catches her in that night club after her awful blind date spins her out of control on the dance floor. I can’t believe I made such a rookie mistake, and after years of directing at that. I should give back my film degree from NYU, because I certainly have no right to display it.”

Cinema expert Anna Gonzalez offered her insight on the matter.

“It’s actually pretty common for movie directors to miss low-hanging fruit with their soundtracks,” Gonzalez said. “I recently did a case study on films that didn’t have ‘Bad to the Bone’ despite featuring Harley-riding bad boys, and I’ve even seen baseball movies that failed to include ‘Centerfield’ by John Fogerty in one of their scenes. Directors just get so in the weeds with finishing their projects on time and under budget that they can sometimes forget to make these necessary inclusions. With that being said, though, failing to include ‘Solsbury Hill’ in a romantic comedy drama is absolutely unforgivable.”

At press time, moviegoers were further enraged when the movie didn’t even have Hugh Grant as the starring male lead.

New Superhero Emerges With Power To Know Exactly How Many Cars Would’ve Fit on This Curb if Everybody Didn’t Park Like Fucking Assholes

Posted on by Livy Berry

LOS ANGELES — Reports have come in of a new hero with the superhuman ability to tell how many cars would have fit on along a curb if not for the fact that everybody parked like absolute fucking assholes, confirmed sources.

“I don’t know how it happened, I just woke up today and I could tell something was different. I was unable to park on the curb outside my favorite coffee shop and something within me just knew that seven cars should be able to fit on this curb, but there were only six. At that moment I knew I had to use this power for good,” the hero explained, who said his true identity was a secret, but that he’d like to be known as Auto-Otto. “To be honest, the answer is usually one or, at the absolute most, two more cars than are currently parked on any given curb. This new ability is a blessing and a curse.”

Auto-Otto kicked up quite the fuss, letting everybody around him know about his incredible discovery.

“I had just parked and heard him roll his window down before shouting that one more car could fit along the curb, and my mind was blown,” said Kevin Alonso, a witness to the incredible event. “I said to myself, that guy is a super genius, and he’s doing the public a great service with his ability. Honestly, I just feel lucky to have been there for such a historic event. He’s not the hero we need, but he’s the hero we deserve.”

The surfacing of this hero has already brought many figures of Auto-Otto’s past out of the woodwork, the most relevant one being Courtney Miller, an ex-girlfriend.

“I don’t know where he got Otto from, his name is Josh,” said Miller. “Part of why I broke up with him was that he had such terrible road rage. He would always roll his window down and scream at people. Seeing this change in him has been eye-opening, I mean he must have learned a lot to choose such a selfless path.”

At press time, Auto-Otto was seen spending some time greeting his new fans before speeding off into the sunset in his Toyota Corolla to continue saving lives. 

Pretty Neat! Here Are Five Canadian Metal Bands Who Don’t Have To Worry About Going Bankrupt From an Emergency Room Visit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Along with its publicly funded universal healthcare system, Canada has a long, storied history within metal music. As if having understood that medical care is a fundamental human right isn’t enough, our show-off neighbors to the north have produced bands that stand amongst the genre’s all-time greats. As such, here are five Canadian metal bands for whom a single trip to the emergency room won’t cause a life-ruining amount of medical debt.

  1. Voivod

These French Canadian weirdos have been playing their specific brand of progressive, technical, and experimental thrash metal since the early eighties, and have likely been unconcerned about having their finances destroyed by a sudden injury or late-night illness in the process. Give 1987’s “Killing Technology” a listen, but don’t headbang too hard, lest you end up with a savings-draining case of whiplash!

  1. S.T.R.E.E.T.S

Vancouver’s S.T.R.E.E.T.S (Skateboarding Totally Rules Everything Else Totally Sucks) play some sick-ass crossover thrash that serves as a perfect accompaniment to mastering your heelflip over that gap in your apartment complex’s parking lot, but only if you live in Canada. If you’re an American, just don’t even attempt it so you don’t end up having to choose between being seen by a doctor and having a roof over your head.

  1. Gorguts

And we’re back to French Canada! Gorguts is one of the best death metal bands of all time, and whether it’s the old school death metal mastery of “Considered Dead” or the otherworldly dissonance of “Obscura”, you can’t go wrong with any of their albums, so long as every dollar you earn for the rest of your life isn’t claimed by the debt you accrued from visiting the hospital in a country that refuses to join the 21st century. If that’s the case, you likely have bigger fish to fry. At least Gorguts doesn’t have to worry about that, so they can focus on writing killer metal!

  1. Cryptopsy

Fine, we guess we’re staying in Quebec for now. Cryptopsy revolutionized both technical and brutal death metal with 1996’s “None So Vile” and are continuing to release sick metal to this day despite a couple hiccups since then. We’re willing to bet their maniac drummer Flo Mounier has never refrained from hitting those blast beats for fear that a shoulder sprain will have him maxing out his credit cards.

  1. Thantifaxath

These guys play some gnarly-ass avant-garde black metal that—fuck! Goddamnit! Is our carpal tunnel acting up again? Ugh, we definitely need to get this looked at, but we don’t have insurance. Shit.

Bruce Springsteen Clarifies He Meant ‘Little Girl’ in the Misogynistic Way, Not the Pedophile Way

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

COLTS NECK, N.J. — Music legend Bruce Springsteen released a statement to clarify that his intentions in the song “I’m On Fire” were misogynistic in nature and not sexually depraved, sources confirmed.

“With all these guys who like to diddle little girls apparently running our society, I couldn’t just stand idly by as the king of New Jersey,” said The Boss himself. “Let me make myself crystal clear: I am not sexually attracted to minors and I would never write something so disgusting and vile as a song about lusting after a little girl. Yes, I did say ‘Hey little girl is your daddy home,’ but get your filthy minds out of the gutter! I meant, ‘Hey lady, is your boyfriend around?’ You gotta understand that I simply don’t respect females as my equals. Come on!”

Sarah Bell, a PR representative from Springsteen’s team, shared some additional insight on the statement.

“It just became more and more apparent that a clarification was needed given the sheer amount of pedophiles,” said Bell. “It’s completely understandable that someone would misunderstand that line and think that he was talking about little girls when he said little girls. But we have strong values here and we as well as Bruce would like to distance ourselves from evil people as much as possible. And may I add that we really would like the focus to be more on the not being a pedophile part than the hating women part.”

A professor of Gender Studies at Stanford University shared a unique professional perspective on the issue.

“You can’t really say that the ‘little girl’ lyric is misogynistic in nature versus pedophilic in nature, because misogyny is itself largely rooted in the pedophilia,” said Jamie Ashcroft. “You see it in the way that beauty standards emphasize the importance of smallness and weakness and how people call women ‘girls’ but men get ‘guys’ instead of ‘boys.’ The reason these pedophilic ideals have been normalized is precisely because of the ruling class’s depravity. It’s not a fluke. But I don’t really expect a talking baseball glove from Jersey to understand these nuances, so I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt.”

At press time, Springsteen also wanted to add that the song doesn’t mean he’s literally on fire. 

We Interviewed Vertical Horizon While Thinking They Were Tonic, but It Didn’t Seem To Make Any Difference

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, we can’t possibly be blamed for this little snafu. Can you say that you’d be able to tell the difference between these two bands? Be honest. So we thought Vertical Horizon was Tonic the entire time we were interviewing them. Big deal. Luckily, we were able to get through the entire conversation without our mistake seeming to make any difference, so no harm, no foul. Here’s the interview.

The Hard Times: Hey, it’s great to meet all of you! How are you doing?

Vertical Horizon: Likewise! We’re doing well. Happy to be here!

HT: So, your music was obviously heard by basically every millennial on the radio during their formative years. It must feel great to know that you touched the lives of so many in the late 90s and early 2000s.

VH: Of course, it was really a shock to us when “Everything You Want” was released, and we were hearing it all over the place. That was a special time for all of us.

HT: Oh…yeah, because you guys definitely wrote that one, too. We totally knew that.

VH: …yes. So anyway, it does feel fantastic to have our music appreciated by so many. We’re truly blessed.

HT: So what’s in the pipeline for y’all?

VH: We’re in the planning stages of a new album, which will be our first since 2018, and we’re about to embark on a nationwide tour with our friends in Tonic, which we’re really looking forward to.

HT: You’re going on tour…with…Tonic?

VH: Yes, later this year, but we can’t wait to get out there and see all of our fans again.

HT: …great! Well, we’re ecstatic to hear new music and see…your band on a new tour! Anyway, it was fantastic catching up with you! Good luck with everything!

VH: Absolutely! It was our pleasure!

There you have it. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we think we handled the situation really well. We may not be the most experienced or informed interviewers, but we can disguise our own ignorance with the best of them. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with Seether. Or is it Shinedown? Shit, we should probably double-check.