Impossible To Tell if Man Genuinely Cheerful or Burying Some Really Heavy Shit

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

NOWTHEN, Minn. — Local 32-year-old Reginald Watts left friends, neighbors, co-workers, casual acquaintances, and passing strangers with the same uneasy feeling that his upbeat persona is actually a way of not dealing with deep, inescapable unhappiness, confirmed sources.

“We met 15 years ago during high school and have been close ever since. His jokey, relentlessly positive energy was part of what drew me to him, of course, but over the years I’ve come to wonder if it’s a kind of shield,” said best friend Billy Yutz. “He’s always been a bit evasive when it comes to talking about his feelings. He insists there’s nothing wrong, but we’ve all seen him when he thinks no one’s looking. He’s got that thousand-yard stare like he’s involuntarily remembering the time he buried a body in the woods or something.”

Cashiers at a grocery store around the corner reported a number of slightly off-feeling interactions with Watts over the years.

“He’s a nice guy I guess. Always cracking jokes, playing little pranks. He seems pretty bright, I’m kind of surprised he’s never left town. He kind of lingers at the till sometimes, like he doesn’t want to be alone with his own thoughts,” said cashier Harold Plum. “He’ll laugh at anything. And not like a gentle laugh — proper maniacal, eyes looking in different directions kind of laugh. I had no idea small talk could feel so unhinged. It’s like a piano wire that’s about to snap. Or he’s just in a good mood. I have no idea. Would you like cash back with that?”

Watts himself insists everything is fine and he’s not teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

“Oh gosh, there’s no deeper stuff going on. What you see is what you get! Anyway it’s like my mama used to say, god rest her soul. The best way to meet rain is sunshine,” said Watts, wearing a slightly glazed expression. “What else can one do when the world is such an obscene cesspool of sin and depravity? The light will win out so help us. In the meantime you’ve just got to be strong, grin and bear it.”

At press time, friends still weren’t sure if they should encourage Watts to become a motivational speaker or call a suicide prevention hotline.

Opinion: We Need To Go Back to the Good Ol’ Days When the Government Did Nothing and the Economy Grew Due to Factors Outside My Understanding

Posted on by Cody Arbor

You know what I miss, fellow freethinkers? Having money and being able to get more, no matter where I went. Back before 1980, when Ronald Reagan and Capitalism finally told the government to back off, because the big boys were playing now! Which was good, because there was a lot more money being thrown around, and the last thing Americans need is a government telling them where money should go! A bank would give you money because you had a twinkle in your eye and just-so-happened to pass the paper bag test! Nowadays, a bank won’t even let you in the door without demanding a credit score and a pint of Christian blood!

Folks, I’m just a simple man with zero experience in history or economics. I like my taxes low, my infrastructure private, and my states with the rights I explicitly approve of: the very idea that the ultra-rich patriots who funded and maintained all that infrastructure from the Pre-Reagan years did so because of the law and not their own good Christian hearts is ridiculous! From what I know to be true from my brief reading of a pamphlet at a libertarian gun rally, they paid their fair share, completely and willingly; it had nothing to do with a government that actually governed and enforced tax laws! The rich don’t want to pay their taxes for a country that doesn’t bend, scrape, and worship the dirt under their toenails, and why SHOULD they? As a proud patriot, I hate anyone who doesn’t appreciate the nobility!

I may not have a fancy degree in any of the subjects I’m an expert in, I went to a little place called the “School of Hard Knox,” an unaccredited university that took my money and ran. And anyone smart enough to scam me deserves my money. And my boss has repeatedly assured me that I’m too smart to need a union or workers’ rights because of how essential I am. So essential that he doesn’t have to give me any job security or advancement in writing, but is happy to talk about it as much as I like to hear about it! And since I got all of my legal learning from docu-series like Law & Order and Suits, I know that constitutes a verbal contract! Even though I could never afford to hire a lawyer to prove such. Anyway, if I ever need to give up my job so my boss can have a few more bucks, I’ll do it. I could always just get some paper-pushing, cushy government job.

Metal Band Debating Whether They Should Completely Fucking Ruin Their Music by Adding a Keyboardist

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EUGENE, Ore. — Up-and-coming metal band Enrager found themselves considering whether they should completely fucking ruin their music by adding a keyboardist, sources report.

“This is something we’ve been weighing for a few days now,” said frontman Jason Gilliard. “We’ve got a pretty good thing going so far. We sound like old school German thrash bands like Kreator and Sodom, so I’m employing a mid-level growl that they used back in the mid-eighties that was sort of a precursor to the lower growls that came with pure death metal in the early nineties. It sounds really cool, so we’re wondering if we should totally fucking destroy that by adding a completely needless keyboardist to distract the listeners. Of course this person will be playing long, drawn out solos that will bore the absolute Christ out of people at our shows.”

Potential keyboardist Ivan Revik was excited by the prospect.

“Oh wow, I hope Enrager decides that they need a keyboard player,” Revik said. “I saw them open for Warbringer a couple weeks ago, and they were killer. They played super fast and sang about traditional metal stuff like death and destruction. I’d love to come in and just suck all of the fun out of their songs by adding superfluous, synthy tones over all the thrashy riffs. I’ll go home right now and post on Craigslist that I’m a keyboardist in the area who’s looking to make an otherwise good metal band sound fucking awful and unlistenable. With any luck, they’ll hit me up soon.”

Fan Alisha DelGado hoped Enrager would not choose to add a keyboardist.

“Ugh, God, why do metal bands do this?” DelGado lamented. “If I wanted bullshit keyboards that put me to sleep, I’d listen to Dream Theater or Symphony X, but I have no desire to hear that garbage. Enrager plays music that’s great to thrash and pound beers to, and nothing will make me leave a mosh pit in disgust quicker than some ping-pingy keyboard solo in the middle of an otherwise sick song. Do you think Slayer ever considered adding a Moog to their tunes? No way, because it’s stupid. I’m going to be so pissed if they decide to go this route that I might not even get blackout drunk and puke in front of the stage at their next show.”

At press time, the members of Enrager were also contemplating adding a fretless bass.

Ticketmaster Adds Extra Charge if Artists Play Their Hits

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS ANGELES — Ticketmaster announced a new policy where they will charge customers an extra tax if their favorite acts play any of their hits at concerts, according to angry sources already waiting to speak to customer service about other stupid-ass fees. 

“Treating our customers with the utmost respect is what we’re all about,” stated CEO Michael Rapino as he instructed a venue security guard to aggressively pat down a blind veteran he suspected of trying to sneak in a bottle of water. “That’s why we’re excited to announce an innovative new fee that will only be charged if your fav artist plays any songs at their shows that have ranked in the Billboard Top 100 or were ever popular by any metric established by us. We feel this is the fairest way for fans to enjoy shows and at the same time help to bump up our stock price. It’s a win-win.”

A local fan who just purchased tickets to a concert offered their take on this new tax.

“Is this a joke?” said a perplexed Curtis Spezza. “I just paid out the ass to see Green Day, and now you’re telling me that I’m going to have to pay even more if they play ‘Basket Case’ or ‘Minority’? I’d say I was surprised but knowing how much this company already treats their customers, I’m definitely not. I blew all the money I have on this show and can’t afford to spend anymore, so I guess I’ll just hope and pray they play bullshit songs like ‘Drama Queen’ instead.”

Industry expert Joanne McGivens explained that revenue-generating add-ons like this were just the beginning. 

“If history has proven anything, it’s shown that Ticketmaster is above the law and can basically do anything they want with impunity,” McGivens said. “If you think that’s bad, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. They’re also planning to charge fans extra if the lead singer shouts out their home town, if any band members walk onstage wearing a local sports jersey, or even if anyone decides to play with that beach ball bouncing around in the crowd.”

At press time, Ticketmaster announced they were also in the works in creating a system to retroactively charge an additional fee if musicians play any songs that fans lost their virginity to.

Bullshit! My Grandpa Posts His Wordle Results Every Day on Facebook and the State Still Won’t Approve His Request for Death With Dignity

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

Why is it so goddamn difficult to get the state to assist in a human’s death? We literally shoot horses if their leg is broken, or put our pets down for committing the sin of being old, and nobody bats an eye, but you can watch a man post their Wordle results every single day on Facebook and not see that their life is already over?

My grandfather is a noble man. A person who lived a life anyone would look back on with satisfaction and contentment. To watch this once noble beacon of intelligence, wisdom, and light go from my idyllic version of what it means to be a man in this world reduced to this thin, ghostly visage that haunts my Facebook feed to let me know it took him, “Five guesses today! That was a close one!” It’s enough to make me weep watching someone I love suffer like this.

How could I have the heart to tell him that people stopped posting their Wordle results four years ago, and it was annoying even then? Would you? Could you? For Christ’s sake, this is my grandfather we’re talking about here. This is the man who taught me how to fish, how to chop wood, and the reason my parents had to teach me not to say around sixteen different words in public.

And don’t even get me started on these bureaucratic fat cat doctors and the hoops they make you jump through just to try to help a family member in demonstrable pain end their life. All of the paperwork needed, all of these cease-and-desist letters they send, all of the charges of harassment they file back at you, and all of these bans from your local health care clinic — it’s enough to drive a person mad. But I’m not going to give up, because a grandson’s love is a bond that knows no obstacle.

Ask yourself, what kind of life is someone actually living when they still post their daily Wordle results? As if his inoperable cancer wasn’t enough. Heaven forbid he discovers Words with Friends.

Fog Machine Successfully Obscures Bassist

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BANGOR, Maine — Members of death metal band Rhino Sphincter expressed relief that the fog machine they rolled out during a recent performance successfully hid their bassist from the crowd, according to nearby sources gasping for air. 

“Half the time Dale looks like he’s in a coma with a really bored look on his face, and the other half when he actually tries to ratchet up some intensity, it looks like he’s having a seizure,” said lead singer Calvin Skeebs. “Plus his hygiene is horrible, as he often goes weeks without showering or even changing his crusty clothes. Our manager told us if we wanted to be taken seriously we needed to drop him after this tour, so in the meantime we’ll just hide the awkard fucker with as much thick fog as we can.”

Fan Dawn Poulin who was in attendance expressed her confusion over the set.

“Right after the first song, a blanket of fog suddenly swept in which totally obscured the bassist,” Poulin stated. “The rest of the band were still visible, but the bassist was nowhere to be seen. At some point during the set, we heard a big thud, then after the show we saw paramedics attending to the bassist who looked to be hurt pretty bad on the ground, with a smoke machine laying in pieces on top of him. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best part of the night.”

Music editor Ian Foulds explained this phenomenon. 

“Bands are trying to come up with clever ways of concealing members they’re embarrassed by,” said Foulds. “Fog machines, lasers, and strobes are a great way to create a dramatic atmosphere for your audience while at the same time trying to distract from bandmates who should not be public-facing. It’s actually a very common occurrence, and reportedly began back in the 70s when a concert promoter for Rush was so horrified by their collective appearance that he decided to kill the lights and have them perform in total darkness.” 
At press time, Rhino Sphincter told their bassist that he’d have to pay out of pocket for damaging the fog machine.

Kristi Noem Announces Alternative Puppy Bowl 

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Inspired by Turning Point’s alternative halftime show, Kristi Noem has announced that she will be airing her own version of The Puppy Bowl to compete with the “Woke” Animal Planet program. 

“The Puppy Bowl, as it currently exists, is a disgrace,” claimed Noem in a social media post. “Frankly, it was irresponsible of Animal Planet to greenlight this drivel in the first place. This is the sort of soft, mindless media that causes people to lower their guard and become trans instead of going to war. There is no point, no goal, it’s just annoying puppies running around like they own the goddamn place with no stakes of any kind. I can assure you, my puppy bowl will very much have stakes.” 

Construction of the U.S.A First Puppy Arena, or “Thunderdome” as some have taken to calling it, is nearly complete, and features various booby traps, AI-powered drone turrets, and various caches of weapons the “smartest puppies” can defend themselves with. DHS advisor and referee Stephen Miller explained the rules in more detail on a promotional video. 

“This will be a winner-take-all elimination-style tournament. Think ‘Twisted Metal,’ but with puppies. This game is not about coddling wild animals or showing off how ‘cute’ they are, whatever that word means. This is about survival of the fittest. Thousands of puppies will enter the arena, but only one will ever leave, and even then, it’s no guarantee the creature will be allowed to live. This administration understands that football is not everybody’s thing, so now, instead of being coddled with the Marxist, ‘everybody gets a trophy’ woke propaganda that is the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl, people who don’t like sports can still receive a healthy, sharpening dose of brutality, and victory over weakness.” 

The event is being met with almost universal criticism, with even some of the most die-hard MAGA supporters now souring on the administration. 

“I’m one of the few republicans who can say they’ve been with Trump the whole way up until now, but this is where I draw the line,” said MAGA influencer Cameron White. “Full disclosure, I am racist, I am sexist, and I believe that the most successful people in this country are entitled to engage in pedophilia behind closed doors, but puppies?! I mean, come on! Even Hitler loved his goddamn dog!” 

At press time, DraftKings announced a $50 promo for first-time users with promo code DOGSHOOT. 

I Thought I Was a Republican, Turns Out I Just Needed a Dom

Posted on by Dan Rice

If there is a conservative in your life, be it a relative, acquaintance, or just an online troll who won’t leave you alone, I urge you to share this post with them. My name is Garret Anderson, but you can call me Bitchmouth, and I would like to share with you my journey toward self-discovery. 

I spent my entire life believing I was a Republican. Like any conservative reading this, I believe in the traditional values of a hypothetical idyllic ‘50s household, I believe in blind adherence to rules and authority, and I think breeding is crazy hot. Due to my upbringing and obedient disposition, I never really questioned this point of view — I considered it to be a sound, political stance. Then Daddy, whoops, I mean Trump, came into power. That’s when I started to notice certain… inconsistencies. 

My political beliefs are supposed to be rooted in Christianity, and yet my party does everything in its power to avoid helping the poor and needy. I’m supposed to be part of this party that favors small government, and yet here they are inserting themselves into every facet of our lives! Tariffs are not small government. Murderous goon squads invading major cities are not small government. Telling people what gender they can or cannot identify as or what religion they should be is not small government. So why do all of these things make me aroused? 

It took a lot of soul searching and a LOT of DL grindr hookups, but I think I finally figured something out: I’m not a republican. In fact, there may not even be such a thing as a republican! What I am is a sub, and what I need is a Daddy whose mean to me — just ME, a consenting adult — within boundaries we agree upon in advance. 

It used to be that whenever I got “the urge,” I would go to a MAGA rally or defend billionaires online. I now see that by transposing my carnal desires to the world stage, I was forcing my kinks onto non-consenting participants, and helping to make the world a worse place by doing it, and for that I apologize. Don’t worry, I’m getting what I deserve! Daddy has a whole briefcase full of floggers, paddles, and clamps to make sure I get the proper punishment every time he comes over! 😍🍆💦🤤

To all currently conservative men, I implore you to ask yourselves: Do you really think a strong, law-and-order type leader who relies on classism, racism, and the prison industrial complex to clip the wings of millions for the sole purpose of keeping himself in power is what’s best for this country, or do you just need a DADDY? A Daddy to show you who’s boss and punish you for being such a lowly worm? Really think about it. You thinkin’ about it? Anything going on south of the border? Yup, that’s what I thought. Toss that ugly old red hat and get yourself an account on FetLife. True happiness awaits you. Also, stay out of the voting booth! Remember, some people’s kink is living life by their own terms, and not by the whim of a cruel authority figure. To each their own! 

Sex Offender Goes Door to Door Informing Neighborhood This an ICE Raid

Posted on by Matt Husser

MINNEAPOLIS — Minneapolis residents were reportedly on high alert today after a masked sex offender began going door to door informing them that this was an ICE raid, sources confirmed.

“I was chosen to lead ‘Operation Nubile Justice’ because I have a vast amount of experience going door to door, dealing with locals that for some reason become hostile as soon as I announce who I am and why I’m here. These lawless immigrants should be grateful I’m even asking for their A/S/L papers, because the Department of Homeland Security has authorized me to shoot first and ask who’s 18 later,” said the ICE Agent who refused to give his name, but asked to be called by his code name “The Humbertnator.” “I don’t know what I expected from these illiterate foreigners who can’t even spell ephebophilia even though it’s written right there on the leaflets I posted all over the neighborhood explaining the local age of consent laws.”

White House Border Czar Tom Homan defended the escalation of home raids by ICE agents.

“The tree of liberty requires constant grooming to remain healthy, and our agents are expertly trained in ‘delicately handling’ vulnerable women and children, if you know what I mean. These brave men have been given unlimited authority by President Trump to search every dollhouse, playground, and high school locker room for illegal immigrant activity in our communities,” said Homan, sucking in his gut while trying to squeeze into Greg Bovino’s old jacket. “Now the real constitutional crisis here is that there is an online ‘offender’ registry doxxing thousands of our brave agents on some website run by a radical ANTIFA leftist named Dru Sjodin. Rest assured as soon as we find this perpetrator they will see swift justice.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem went on the offensive during a press conference to defend the ICE operation.

“Instead of needlessly digging around in our ICE agents’ pasts, the question you all should be asking is ‘what kind of irresponsible parent would allow their children to come into contact with known sex offenders?’ This kind of reckless child endangerment might be ok in whatever shithole country they’re from, but not here in The United States of America,” said Secretary Noem, swallowing a wad of shredded Epstein File documents. “That’s why we’ve rounded up these precious children and sent them to a special camp in Texas where they’ll be safe from the roving gangs of dangerous sex offenders currently terrorizing Minneapolis.”

At press time, ICE had reportedly commandeered a fleet of ice cream trucks to covertly patrol the neighborhood and conduct their raids.

Alice in Chains Album Buried in Pet Sematary Emerges as Godsmack Album

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LUDLOW, Maine — A copy of Alice in Chains’ 1992 LP “Dirt” buried in the Mi’kmaq grounds behind Ludlow’s famed Pet Sematary emerged as a copy of Godsmack’s 1998 self-titled album, sources report.

“Wow, I really should have considered the consequences of burying that Alice in Chains CD, especially since it was my only copy,” said perpetrator Landon Reed. “I guess curiosity got the better of me, but now I’m definitely regretting my decision. These Godsmack songs sound just like Alice in Chains with all the charm and talent taken out of them. It’s like a bad, boring impersonation of Alice in Chains for angst-ridden teenagers. The CD also violently scratched me when I tried to put it in my Discman. Why couldn’t I have done something less offensive, like bury the corpse of a recently run over cat or a toddler that had been hit by an Orinco truck? This sucks.”

Reed’s neighbor Bud Wendel reacted to the situation.

“Ayuh, I warned Landon against burying that CD,” said Wendel. “Same thing happened back in the winter of ‘18 when Harry Becker buried his old copy of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Physical Graffiti’ and it came out as Greta Van Fleet’s debut. I suppose it’s my fault for taking Landon over the deadfall and showing him that ancient burial ground, but it just had such a draw to it that I couldn’t resist. I told him that what that ground spits back up ain’t what you put into it, and in this case it ended up being a total bastardization. Have you heard the song ‘Time Bomb’ on that awful Godsmack album? It even has electronic elements to it. Ugh, how could I have let Landon do that?”

Alice in Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell couldn’t believe what became of his seminal work.

“Oh man, this is terrible,” Cantrell lamented. “I can appreciate when other artists take inspiration from my work or when fans try to entomb our albums in a burial ground to see what happens, but this is an absolute mockery of Alice in Chains. The lead singer is so obviously trying to sound like Layne, but without all the beautiful harmonies, and the guitar work is missing all the clever lines and lead work that made ‘Dirt’ so great. Remember how profoundly affected you were the first time you heard ‘Down in a Hole’? There’s nothing even close to that on this Godsmack album. Someone needs to spread cement over that entire burial ground so this never happens again.”

At press time, the Godsmack album emerged as a Puddle of Mudd album after being buried in the Pet Sematary again.