I Thought I Was a Republican, Turns Out I Just Needed a Dom

Posted on by Dan Rice

If there is a conservative in your life, be it a relative, acquaintance, or just an online troll who won’t leave you alone, I urge you to share this post with them. My name is Garret Anderson, but you can call me Bitchmouth, and I would like to share with you my journey toward self-discovery. 

I spent my entire life believing I was a Republican. Like any conservative reading this, I believe in the traditional values of a hypothetical idyllic ‘50s household, I believe in blind adherence to rules and authority, and I think breeding is crazy hot. Due to my upbringing and obedient disposition, I never really questioned this point of view — I considered it to be a sound, political stance. Then Daddy, whoops, I mean Trump, came into power. That’s when I started to notice certain… inconsistencies. 

My political beliefs are supposed to be rooted in Christianity, and yet my party does everything in its power to avoid helping the poor and needy. I’m supposed to be part of this party that favors small government, and yet here they are inserting themselves into every facet of our lives! Tariffs are not small government. Murderous goon squads invading major cities are not small government. Telling people what gender they can or cannot identify as or what religion they should be is not small government. So why do all of these things make me aroused? 

It took a lot of soul searching and a LOT of DL grindr hookups, but I think I finally figured something out: I’m not a republican. In fact, there may not even be such a thing as a republican! What I am is a sub, and what I need is a Daddy whose mean to me — just ME, a consenting adult — within boundaries we agree upon in advance. 

It used to be that whenever I got “the urge,” I would go to a MAGA rally or defend billionaires online. I now see that by transposing my carnal desires to the world stage, I was forcing my kinks onto non-consenting participants, and helping to make the world a worse place by doing it, and for that I apologize. Don’t worry, I’m getting what I deserve! Daddy has a whole briefcase full of floggers, paddles, and clamps to make sure I get the proper punishment every time he comes over! 😍🍆💦🤤

To all currently conservative men, I implore you to ask yourselves: Do you really think a strong, law-and-order type leader who relies on classism, racism, and the prison industrial complex to clip the wings of millions for the sole purpose of keeping himself in power is what’s best for this country, or do you just need a DADDY? A Daddy to show you who’s boss and punish you for being such a lowly worm? Really think about it. You thinkin’ about it? Anything going on south of the border? Yup, that’s what I thought. Toss that ugly old red hat and get yourself an account on FetLife. True happiness awaits you. Also, stay out of the voting booth! Remember, some people’s kink is living life by their own terms, and not by the whim of a cruel authority figure. To each their own! 

Sex Offender Goes Door to Door Informing Neighborhood This an ICE Raid

Posted on by Matt Husser

MINNEAPOLIS — Minneapolis residents were reportedly on high alert today after a masked sex offender began going door to door informing them that this was an ICE raid, sources confirmed.

“I was chosen to lead ‘Operation Nubile Justice’ because I have a vast amount of experience going door to door, dealing with locals that for some reason become hostile as soon as I announce who I am and why I’m here. These lawless immigrants should be grateful I’m even asking for their A/S/L papers, because the Department of Homeland Security has authorized me to shoot first and ask who’s 18 later,” said the ICE Agent who refused to give his name, but asked to be called by his code name “The Humbertnator.” “I don’t know what I expected from these illiterate foreigners who can’t even spell ephebophilia even though it’s written right there on the leaflets I posted all over the neighborhood explaining the local age of consent laws.”

White House Border Czar Tom Homan defended the escalation of home raids by ICE agents.

“The tree of liberty requires constant grooming to remain healthy, and our agents are expertly trained in ‘delicately handling’ vulnerable women and children, if you know what I mean. These brave men have been given unlimited authority by President Trump to search every dollhouse, playground, and high school locker room for illegal immigrant activity in our communities,” said Homan, sucking in his gut while trying to squeeze into Greg Bovino’s old jacket. “Now the real constitutional crisis here is that there is an online ‘offender’ registry doxxing thousands of our brave agents on some website run by a radical ANTIFA leftist named Dru Sjodin. Rest assured as soon as we find this perpetrator they will see swift justice.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem went on the offensive during a press conference to defend the ICE operation.

“Instead of needlessly digging around in our ICE agents’ pasts, the question you all should be asking is ‘what kind of irresponsible parent would allow their children to come into contact with known sex offenders?’ This kind of reckless child endangerment might be ok in whatever shithole country they’re from, but not here in The United States of America,” said Secretary Noem, swallowing a wad of shredded Epstein File documents. “That’s why we’ve rounded up these precious children and sent them to a special camp in Texas where they’ll be safe from the roving gangs of dangerous sex offenders currently terrorizing Minneapolis.”

At press time, ICE had reportedly commandeered a fleet of ice cream trucks to covertly patrol the neighborhood and conduct their raids.

Alice in Chains Album Buried in Pet Sematary Emerges as Godsmack Album

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LUDLOW, Maine — A copy of Alice in Chains’ 1992 LP “Dirt” buried in the Mi’kmaq grounds behind Ludlow’s famed Pet Sematary emerged as a copy of Godsmack’s 1998 self-titled album, sources report.

“Wow, I really should have considered the consequences of burying that Alice in Chains CD, especially since it was my only copy,” said perpetrator Landon Reed. “I guess curiosity got the better of me, but now I’m definitely regretting my decision. These Godsmack songs sound just like Alice in Chains with all the charm and talent taken out of them. It’s like a bad, boring impersonation of Alice in Chains for angst-ridden teenagers. The CD also violently scratched me when I tried to put it in my Discman. Why couldn’t I have done something less offensive, like bury the corpse of a recently run over cat or a toddler that had been hit by an Orinco truck? This sucks.”

Reed’s neighbor Bud Wendel reacted to the situation.

“Ayuh, I warned Landon against burying that CD,” said Wendel. “Same thing happened back in the winter of ‘18 when Harry Becker buried his old copy of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Physical Graffiti’ and it came out as Greta Van Fleet’s debut. I suppose it’s my fault for taking Landon over the deadfall and showing him that ancient burial ground, but it just had such a draw to it that I couldn’t resist. I told him that what that ground spits back up ain’t what you put into it, and in this case it ended up being a total bastardization. Have you heard the song ‘Time Bomb’ on that awful Godsmack album? It even has electronic elements to it. Ugh, how could I have let Landon do that?”

Alice in Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell couldn’t believe what became of his seminal work.

“Oh man, this is terrible,” Cantrell lamented. “I can appreciate when other artists take inspiration from my work or when fans try to entomb our albums in a burial ground to see what happens, but this is an absolute mockery of Alice in Chains. The lead singer is so obviously trying to sound like Layne, but without all the beautiful harmonies, and the guitar work is missing all the clever lines and lead work that made ‘Dirt’ so great. Remember how profoundly affected you were the first time you heard ‘Down in a Hole’? There’s nothing even close to that on this Godsmack album. Someone needs to spread cement over that entire burial ground so this never happens again.”

At press time, the Godsmack album emerged as a Puddle of Mudd album after being buried in the Pet Sematary again.

Opening Band Impresses Headliner With 45 Minutes of Meticulous Tuning

Posted on by James Knapp

DENVER — Local math-ska band Honkzonga recently wasted theirs and everyone else’s time while trying to impress the headliner for a show they somehow conned their way onto, sources who think that actually went pretty well confirmed.

“We don’t get asked to play a lot of shows, so we really wanted to show that we know what we’re doing and are professionals. And we figured what better way to do that than to let the headliner check out our extensive, some might say excessive tuning process,” explained Honkzonga bass player Freddy Plemmons. “I think we really blew them away! Some people were so impressed they couldn’t even make eye contact with us — some even left the venue to smoke what I assume were celebration cigarettes.”

Despite the band’s self-assurance, audience members were less enthusiastic about the tuning process seemingly designed as some sort of Jigsaw-esque punishment.

“Math-ska tuning: I didn’t know this level of hell existed,” remarked showgoer Glen Henderson. “I’m jaded enough to have accepted that local shows are always going to be a bit of a technical minefield, but this felt like a stress that went out of control. It was worse than the time I went to a folk punk show and they spent twenty minutes trying to get the right levels in the monitor for the saw player.”

Headlining band Blood Butt and the Stool Softeners gave their perspective on the tone adjustment holocaust they had to witness.

“It was amazing! Oh my goodness, how are we not the ones opening for those guys!” said genuinely enthusiastic Blood Butt frontman David “Fissure” Clark. “I mean, the way they just kept on tuning and tuning and tuning without stop — they must be real professionals. Sure it set the whole show back by six hours and now we’re gonna miss the next tour stop because of it, but fuck Iowa City anyway. This was worth it!”

At press time, members of Honkzonga were compiling a highly detailed and specific list of needs that they’re sure the sound guy at their next show will be thrilled to implement for them.

Democrat Loses on Purpose To Write Memoir

Posted on by Tyler Roland

MUNCIE, Ind. — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Wesley Ellison admitted to purposely phoning in his run for governor while writing a memoir reflecting on his loss, apathetic sources confirmed.

“I didn’t put too much energy into my campaign, but I did spend a lot of time thinking about potential paperback sales,” Ellison asserted. “My memoir paints a picture of a tarnished nation — powerless now, but poised to rise from dictatorial ashes in the future, emphasis on ‘future.’ I am shocked and appalled by Trump’s rape of American democracy. However, I am not in favor of confronting it with bloodshed, or, for that matter, any action whatsoever. Putting a halt to the bulldozing of the Trump administration would take serious effort. Rather than help restore the foundations of democracy, I did something profitable on a personal level. We’ll plan on doing something. Eventually. In the meantime, please buy my new book, ‘American Blues: How the ‘Radical Left’ Will End Up On the ‘Radical Right’ Side of History.’”  

Dwight Sederman, one of Ellison’s voters, is displeased with the decision of the candidate he supported.

“Well, I was never really a ‘supporter,’” Sederman clarified. “I don’t believe in idolizing politicians, and the whole ‘The Coolest Wes Since Anderson’ slogan felt weird and irrelevant. Now we have that asshole [Rick] Reynolds running the show. He just posted ‘get ready for an ICE-cold summer’ on Twitter, although I’m sure he would throw a fit if anyone in his office called it that. Thanks a lot, Ellishit, you just set our state back forty years.”

Elise Victor, the publisher of memoir, sees a bright future for Ellison’s book.

“I think of him as the next Jake Tapper or Hillary Clinton, in terms of hand-wringing writing,” said Victor. “We’re about to tear the New York Times bestseller list a new asshole. People are saying he could have been hosting rallies in more rural areas, like Reynolds was, but Wes kept writing like a man possessed, sending me drafts that would make Obama weep.”

At press time, Ellison’s memoir had 16 preorders through Barnes & Noble, and a further nine through Amazon, after Chuck Schumer gave it a shoutout in a recent press conference.

I Was One of the Angst-Ridden Teens in the “Last Resort” Music Video, and You Will Address Me With the Respect I Deserve

Posted on by Steve Packosky

What the fuck did you just say to me? I can’t believe your insolence, but I’ll be willing to give you the benefit of a great deal of doubt since you likely don’t know who I am. You see, in the Year of Our Lord 2000, I was featured as one of the angst-ridden teens in the music video for nu-metal band Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”. As such, you will address me with the respect that is due to someone of such rank and nobility.

That’s right. How dare you deign to look me in the eyes and speak to me so boldly. Can you be seen in plain view next to Sacramento’s greatest nu-metal band as they gifted the viewer with heavily censored lyrics over a recycled Iron Maiden guitar lead? No, you can’t, and it shows. It shows in the pathetic, pompous manner in which you carry yourself, and it shows in the reprehensible tone you adopt when speaking to people who are obviously better than you, such as myself.

Not only were my gorgeous goatee, spiked hair, and choker chain prominently displayed in the black expanse the band chose for the music video’s primary setting, but I also admitted the production crew into my bedroom for a shot of me glaring obstinately at the camera. My performance complemented the anthemic tune beautifully, likely taking it to positions on the charts it wouldn’t otherwise have reached. And what contributions have you made to society, you oafish ingrate? What did you accomplish prior to telling me to “watch where I’m going” after bumping into me as I’m stepping out of this Red Robin? That’s right. Nothing. 

The absolute gall it takes to show yourself in my presence, unjustifiably content with your life and completely unaware of the greatness you’re defiling simply by breathing the same air. My stomach roils at the sight of you, but I dare not upset the sidewalk with my sick, lest you erroneously conclude that you’re worthy of the time and effort it took me to double over and retch. 

So go on, continue occupying your day with whatever meaningless little tasks you undertake to stay amused and entertained, swine, and I’ll go back to gracing various establishments in this strip mall with my presence. You’ll surely never forget me, but what do you think the odds are that your pitiable visage will never cross my mind again? Ah, yes, I think Papa Roach put it best when they said “chances are dynamite”.

Conservative Men Use Empty Melania Theaters for Grindr Hookups

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Multiple D.C. area movie theaters say Republican members of Congress and congressional staffers have begun using empty screenings of “Melania,” a documentary about first lady Melania Trump, as informal meeting places for anonymous sexual encounters.

“I’ve never felt so free!” A Republican congressman, who agreed to speak anonymously, exclaimed and further detailed, “Usually I have to wait till the national convention for this kind of privacy and action, but these theaters are fucking empty! I’m at the Gallery Place Regal around lunch time, fooling around with a tourist, fast forward a few hours later, and I’m at a matinee at the AMC in Georgetown, hooking up with some guy named like Enrique that has no idea I want to deport him. It’s the ultimate high. Plus, I am still home by 8 to say prayers with my wife, Sarah, and my daughters. Oh, you know what, please take out the Sarah and daughters part.”

Theater staff seem generally unbothered but still mildly uncomfortable with the repurposing of the theater space. 

“Two guys in red MAGA hats and cross necklaces just going to town on each other is not something we normally deal with, but for the most part, they are polite and clean up after themselves except for a few popcorn buckets with very small holes cut out of the bottom,” said Scott Colby, a theater employee and local college student. “The flirting in the lobby gets real bizarre, like some guy in one of those weird Dan Bongino trench coats kept asking this other guy if he was ready to take Greenland, pretty sure he had to be naked under the trench coat, right?”

An expert on movie cult phenomena, Elizabeth Hines, wasn’t surprised by the development. 

“It’s fascinating to watch such a vast film cult develop in real time. I was there when throwing spoons at “The Room” became a thing, but this is next level. These duplicitous closeted men have even started doing Rocky Horror style callouts, like shouting “Oh my God I’m gonna cum!” during the Michael Jackson sing-along. It may become the most frequented but never-watched movie in cinema history, and Melania Trump may become the first true icon for closeted god-fearing gay men. She’s like their Cher now.”

After realizing the documentary flopped, Donald Trump Jr. has assembled a think tank, mostly his coolest cocaine dealers, to revitalize Moviepass, rebrand it as a hookup app, and monetize on this moment. 

Pete Hegseth’s Office to Appear on Latest Episode of ‘Bar Rescue’

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — An upcoming episode of “Bar Rescue” will see gastropub mogul John Taffer attempt to rehabilitate Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s office, confirmed sources.

“The office somehow has 12 beers on tap, a boutique winery, and a fully operating distillery in the corner. Not to mention it’s in a prime location with a jukebox full of REO Speedwagon,” said Taffer. “But Pete was passed out under his desk and there were vomit stains all over the carpet. He needs to fully rebrand if he wants to run a successful U.S. government office. That’s where I come in. This isn’t an economy problem, it’s a management problem — and I’m gonna get to the bottom of it!”

Barback and U.S. government intern Chase Murphy believes that, without Taffer’s intervention, Hegseth’s office could be forced to close its doors.

“It feels like we’re working our hardest to keep the Department of Defense running, but Pete’s fighting us at every turn. He’s drinking more than we sell, letting his weird buddies open huge tabs. The list goes on,” said Murphy. “The rebrand just killed any kind of momentum we had. The Department of Defense was a D.C. staple, and our old regulars weren’t ready for the change at all. Everything has just been poorly rolled out, like he’s not even trying. I’m just tired. We’re all tired.”

Hegseth has a different view on the bar’s success.

“I wanted to rename this place the ‘Department of War.’ I already had a neon sign made and everything. I also want to install a dart board and foosball table but Taffer said no,” said Hegseth. “Taffer is a low rate con-man, and his show’s ratings are awful. My office is the best place to drink in D.C., and fake news outlets like the Paramount Network have spent millions trying to defame me. They’re sending Taffer to tell me that I don’t know how to run my office or that I shouldn’t drink on the job. It’s another classic hit job from the legacy media. The American people are sick and tired of seeing Hollywood media elites tell New York City media elites that they aren’t qualified to run a trillion-dollar military industrial complex.”

When contacted for a follow-up, Hegseth’s office said that the Secretary of Defense is unavailable for standing up from his chair.

If You Have What It Takes To Be Ink Master, You’ll Have No Problem Putting This Foghat Tattoo on My Scrotum

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When I signed up to be a human canvas on this show, it was with the understanding that I would be worked on by the best of the best. I’m sick of so-called “artists” who are either unable or unwilling to give me what I want. So no, I’m not interested in changing the subject matter or the placement. If you really have what it takes to be Ink Master, you’ll be able to put this Foghat tattoo on my scrotum.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to be able to accommodate me, or am I going to have to storm out in a huff, leaving you forced to needle some half-assed facsimile of what I requested onto your own thigh? You know the ability to work with a customer is part of what the judges on this show look for, and I can just imagine DJ Tambe’s expression of disappointment as you’re called up to have your work critiqued. Do you really want that?

No, I don’t mean the band’s logo, or the words “SLOW RIDE”, either. Today is portrait day, and as such, I want this picture from December of 1976 of the band bowing together on stage during a show at the Palladium in New York City. That’s Dave Peverett, Roger Earl, Craig McGregor, and Rod “The Bottle” Price together, arm-in-arm, just after they finished playing “Night Shift”, on the front of my scrotum. It wouldn’t make sense if it was on the side or the back. And I happen to think this is a great idea for a tattoo, despite how “unbelievably stupid and disgusting” you seem to think it is. 

I would’ve thought you’d be psyched about this. I’m getting older, and the profound case of testicular distension that’s accompanied the years I’ve racked up has left you with more than enough room to work with, and don’t you artists love rock’n roll? Foghat’s probably everybody’s favorite two-hit wonder from the seventies. Three-hit, if you count “Fool for the City”, which you can bet your ass I do. Sorry it’s not a bunch of screamers with gauges in their ears, or whatever it is you like.

Alright, enough talk. Let’s get to inkin’. I just know you’re going to end up in the season finale after you nail this piece. Speaking of which, do you need a human canvas for your final tattoo? Because I’m a huge Grand Funk Railroad fan, and my entire ass is untouched. Just something for you to consider.

Gadsden Flag Updated to Clarify Treading on Neighbors Okay

Posted on by Harry Valentine

CHARLESTON, S.C. — The Gadsden Flag, an icon of the American Revolutionary War that sports the phrase “Don’t Tread on Me,” will now feature the additional text “But It Is Fine to Tread on My Neighbors if You Want,” confirmed sources.

“This is long overdue,” said Bubba Gadsden, chair of the Gadsden Family Estate, as he whittled on his front porch. “When my great great grampy Christopher Gadsden wrote ‘Don’t Tread on Me,’ he thought it would be obvious what he meant was literally don’t tread on him specifically. If government agents need to tread on anybody else, they can do so, no problem. Otherwise he would have said ‘Don’t tread on us,’ right? Flags need to be semantically precise or else they could be taken the wrong way.”

The change has been widely embraced by fans of the flag.

“I have a Gadsden Flag on my truck, on my hat, and on three of my most stained shirts,” said Turner Jeffries of Sheffield, Alabama, while angrily hitting Facebook laugh reacts on mainstream news articles. “I don’t mind updating all of those flags. This way, I get to be a brave resistance fighter against tyranny, while also supporting the government as it invades my town. That’s a win for everybody. Besides, I’m not a neighbor. My neighbors are the neighbors. There shouldn’t be any confusion.”

Even among fans of the change, there have been some unexpected downstream effects.

“It’s nice to be booked up,” said Terry Bubson, owner of Antebellum Ink, a tattoo parlor in Tampa. “But updating all these tattoos is a nightmare. Everybody in town wants me to add the new text to the bottom of their Gadsden tattoos, not realizing that to do that, I’ll have to write right over their swastikas.”

When reached for comment on the change, a representative for ICE asked if the snake on the flag is a citizen.